


I'm going to lose him. (Sequel number 2 of Al, what are you hiding?

by Xbertyx



Series: Al what are you hiding related works. [4]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anorexia -Purge Subtype, Assisted Suicide, Brain Damage, Brain Surgery, Catheters, Coma, Cutting, Drunk Sex, Edinburgh, Epilepsy, F/F, F/M, Feeding Tubes, Flashbacks, GBH, Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, Heroin, Insomnia, M/M, Mercy Killing, Minor Character Death, Mood Swings, Past Abuse, Possible Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostitution, Psychosis, Purging, Red Light District, Seizures, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Slut Shaming, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Wheelchairs, carers, caste system, grand mal, honour killings, loss of speech, muscle spasms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-04-20 00:42:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 158
Words: 164,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4767128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xbertyx/pseuds/Xbertyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set at the end of even if you find me, will you be able to save me from myself? </p><p>Having found a bloodied knife, what will Eric see on finding Alan I'm his home? Is he beyond saving? </p><p>What will happen now that Ronald knows of the possible danger he and his partner are facing? </p><p>Character thoughts are always in italics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ambulance.

**Author's Note:**

> Wise words from a friend.  
> Plot twist. Little did you know that the reason the "Alan, what are you hiding?" trilogy exists is because in this universe there is a mysterious cursed object. This is a true fact. Alan found it when he was a wee little boy, then Al gave it to Ronald when Ron and Claude got engaged. After Ronald overdosed, Alan took the mysterious cursed object back from Ronald, because Ronald isn't allowed to have nice things (poor Ron!). Claude steals the mysterious cursed object from Alan (because he's Claude), keeps it himself for a little while, before giving it to Ronald. At the moment, Ronald still has the mysterious cursed object. Eric has yet to be affected by the curse because the necklace he used to wear granted him immunity to the curse, but he surrendered that immunity to Ronald at the hospital. The necklace's immunity had enough anticurse magic in it to wake Ronald from his coma before the life support machines were shut off, although not enough to completely heal Ron, because the necklace's magic had been used up making sure nothing bad ever happens to Eric, plus the curse on the mysterious cursed object is an extremely powerful curse to begin with. I would know. I have the mysterious cursed object in my possession right now and I can't get rid of it. Save me. Save me, please. I'm in Greece, and last night I was eaten by a whale that happened be swimming by the coast of Greece and I'm writing this chapter on my Samsung from the whale's stomach. Also, some of the curse rubbed off on Ronald when his sister died because Alan's family was visiting Bradford that weekend. The residual bad magic was the reason Ronald was assaulted and later lost his memory. Ronald was finally cured of the curse on his first day of college when he (literally) ran into Eric, coming in contact with the necklace, and regaining his ability retain his memory from that day forward :)

***Eric's pov.***

 The knife dropped to the ground with a clatter. _Shit! Alan, what the hell have ya' done!?_ Titan barked again, before hurrying up the stairs.

 Eric followed him to their shared bedroom, pushing the door open. His stomach churned when he saw Alan, who was huddled in the corner of the room, his light blue jumper covered in dried blood. He moved over to him quickly, kneeling in front of him and seeing that the blood collected mainly on his sleeves. "Al?"

 "Leave ... me alone." Alan whispered, his eyes still fixed on his knees, voice lacking any signs of emotion.

 "Not a chance." Eric grabbed Alan's hand, pulling his arm towards him. To his surprise, Alan didn't pull away. With a sharp intake of breath, he pushed the fabric up his arm and cringed. Large, open gashes lined up the skin, most of them still bleeding. "Al, I'm calling an ambulance. Ya' gunna' need stitches." He tried to keep his voice steady, hoping that it would also keep Alan calm.

 "No."

 "Wha'? Why not? Al, these are really bad. Steri strips won't patch these up."

 "Don't you understand, Eric? I'm not going to the ... hospital. I destroy everything ... just like Claude said I do. I ... want to die. I'm going to kill myself, Eric and there's nothing ... you can do to stop me this time."


	2. Strong as a Titan. (Soldier boy, ahhhhhhhhhh Yuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes I used soldier boy lyrics for the title aha. 
> 
> Seven cigarettes and copious amounts of Pepsi max and it's finally up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Claude's past has been added to this fic for a very good reason. You will see why later. He would have been 24 when he first met Ronald, 26 now. 
> 
> Slid a bit of Ronald's past in here too.

 "Don't you understand, Eric? I'm not going to the ... hospital. I destroy everything ... just like Claude said I do. I ... want to die. I'm going to kill myself, Eric and there's nothing ... you can do to stop me this time."

 At that moment, Titan left the room.

 "No babe, don't be silly. Claude will be alright in a day or so. Don't worry 'bout tha'. Now, I'm gunna' ring tha' ambulance, okay?"

 "No."

 "Babe, common" He looked down at Alan's arm again. "You're bleedin' really bad."

 "Then ... just leave me here to bleed."

\---

 Ronald heard scratching and whining coming from outside of his bedroom. He was pulled away from his thoughts about Claude and moved to open the door, looking down to see Titan. The pup barked, pawing at the bottom of Ronald's jeans. "Wha' is it boy?"

 Titan barked again and then rushed back to Alan's bedroom, the teenager following him. That's when he saw the couple huddled in the corner of the room. "What's goin' on in here?"

 "Alan's hurt himself pretty bad. He's refusin' ta' go ta' tha' hospital. Can ... ya' ge' me a couple of towels?"

 "Umm ... yeah, sure."

 Ronald retrieved two fresh towels from the bathroom, before entering the room again and crouching down next to Eric. His stomach churned when he saw the cuts, a flash of Alan lying in that bathtub entering his mind. Eric pressed the towel to Alan's exposed arm. Ronald composed himself, before grabbing Alan's other arm and drawing the material up. That side was even more damaged.

 "Just ... leave me alone." Alan said, his gaze still not shifting from his knees.

 "Not a chance, mate." Ronald stated, trying to hide how shaken up he was feeling. "We care 'bout y' too much for tha'." Alan didn't answer and so he asked, "Why don't y' wanna' go ta' tha' hospital, buddy?"

 "No point."

 "Why not?" Eric asked, his voice beginning to rise in panic.

"There ... just isn't."

 "But why!? At least tell me why."

 At that moment Alan's composure broke. "Because of the fucking voices! And ... you ... you've seen my scars ... for a second time now. My ... worst ones. There's ... no way ... that you would want me now."

 "I keep tellin' ya' tha' I'll always want ya', no matter wha' and ya' jus' 'ave ta' keep fightin' tha' voices. They will go away, like they always do."

 "But ... it's hard. It's so ... hard. They are ... so loud and I ..."

 "And ya' wha', Al?" Eric coaxed.

 Alan began to cry. "And I ... keep thinking ... that I'm back there."

 "Where? At Jacob's?" Alan nodded. "But ya' not, babe. Ya' safe, surrounded by people that'll always protect ya'.

 "But ... it seems so real. It ... feels so real. It ... hurts ... just like it did then. I just ... want out."

 "It's all gunna' be okay, I promise." Eric wanted nothing more than to wipe Alan's tears away at that moment but he couldn't, having to keep pressure on Alan's arm. He instead lifted Alan's arm up, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. "And ya' will get out of it all but not like this, not by hurting ya'self."

 "Eric's right." Ronald added. "You'll ge' through this rough patch. Remember when I was at tha' hospital and ya' told me tha' life wasn't all bad? Ya' was right. Things seem real bad right now but it will ge' better. Ya' said tha' we both had people who meant tha' world ta' us. Well ya' have people who ya' mean tha' world to too. All of us love ya' and care 'bout ya'."

 "But ... Claude hates me."

 "Na, he doesn't. He was jus' pissed off 'cause of ... work." He's gunna' talk ta' ya' later and apologise for shoutin' at ya' like tha'."

 "I'm the ... one who needs to say sorry."

 "Well ya' can apologise. Kiss and make up." Ronald joked. "But let's ge' ya' arms looked at first, okay? And then we can help ya' through tha' things ya' keep seein' and hearin'."

"But ... I don't know if I can - I think that I'm beyond help."

 "Nope." Eric said. "Ya' not beyond help. Ya' will ge' better. This ... is jus' a bad patch for ya' right now. Ya' strong enough ta' ge' better." Eric smiled at him. "Strong as a Titan."

 "Really? You ... think that it's just a bad ... slip up? You ... don't ... think that I've gone insane?"

 "I'll never think tha' ya' insane, babe. Ya' jus' findin' it hard ta' cope right now. Anyone who had been through wha' ya' 'ave would be findin' things tough. But ... ya' still here and ya' still fighting."

 "Yep. A proper Titan we 'ave right here." Ronald said. "So can we call tha' ambulance for y'?"

 Alan nodded slowly. "Okay."

\------

 As Alan was taken into the ambulance, Eric turned to Ronald. "Thanks for helpin', Ronnie. I don't know if I would 'ave been able ta' convince him on my own."

 "Don't mention it. Do y' want me ta' come wi' y?"

 "Na. Ya' got a hairdressers appointment, ain't ya?"

 "Yeah but I'll come if y' need me."

"We should be alright, don't worry. Plus ya' really need tha' rest of tha' green dye choppin' out.Ya' look like a ninja turtle on speed."

 "Yeah, I really do. Y' sure though?"

 "Yeah. Are ... ya' alright?" Ya' don't look so go-." His sentence was cut off when the paramedic called to him, telling him that they were ready to leave. "I'll call ya' later. Dunno if they will let him out tonight, after last time ..."

 "Alright."

\---

 Ronald went back inside the house, his stomach still churning from the images of Alan's suicide attempt. They had told him that he would get through this rough patch but what if he didn't? He had told Rachel the exact same thing but she had-

_"Ron, me and your mother are going to get something to eat from the cafe' down the road. Do you want anything bringing back?"_

_"Na. I'm alright thanks." The fourteen year old boy said from his position at Rachel's bedside. His father nodded and exited the room. That was the only time his parents would leave the hospital room, to get food or to use the bathroom._

_"How y' feelin', sis?"_

_Rachel turned her pale face in his direction. "I haven't got long left." She said flatly._

_Ronald bit his lip, forcing the tears not to fall. "Don't say stuff like tha'! They will find y' a heart doner soon and you'll be -"_

_"Blondie, listen to me, please?"_

_"...Alright."_

_"Please jus' ... be happy, okay? Make ... the most of your life. Find a man who takes good care of y'." Her eyes began to slip shut. "I know tha' you'll grow up to make me even prouder than y-."_

_"Sis?" The heart rate monitor began to bleep, as she flatlined. "Sis!? Hang on! Don't ... don't y' dare leave me!"_

_The room became filled with medical staff, one of which had to practical drag a hysterical Ronald from the room. Young eyes should never witness such awful events._

_The doctors were unable to revive her. She was pronounced dead at 4.23pm, on the 12th of December._

\----

 Ronald paled further at that vivid memory. _"Find a man who takes good care of y'."_

 "I have sis ... but he's in ... trouble." He rushed to the kitchen and bent over the sink, being violently sick.

\-----

 ***Claude's past.***

 A sixteen year old college student sat in a small pub, in the centre of Edinburgh with some older college friends. He moved up their the previous month, after his parents had disowned him for being gay. He moved to the bar to get another cola, when a man approached.

 "I be spottin' me a catch." Claude looked up to see a blonde man, in his early twenties eyeing him up with his bright blue eyes.

 "A catch? Is that how you regard me?"

 "Ey. A fine one at tha'. What can I be gettin' ya'? A beer maybe?"

 "Diet Pepsi." Claude stated, smiling slightly  at the older man.

 "Ah, not ye' turned eighteen?"

 "Sixteen."

 "I see. How's 'bout we go back ta' my place later and I'll show ya' wha' grown ups do."

 "You have intrigued me, at least. What is your name?"

 "Ah, most people jus' call me solider. Be remberin' tha' name, ya' will be screaming it ta' tha' heavens tonight."

 "I hope you live up to that allegation."

 The blonde man smirked. "A handsome thing like ya'. Babe, I'll be ravaging ya' under tha' sheets in no time at all."

 They continued to flirt until midnight, when Claude's friends left the pub. Soon after, the pair left too, getting into the man's car. He lit up a cigarette, holding it in mouth as he began to drive.

 Getting back to his flat, he wasted no time in removing his clothes, as did Claude. Grabbing a condom from his bedside table, he lubed himself up and pushed Claude down on the bed. A quick preparation was granted, before he pounded the younger man into the bedsheets. It was rough and intense, Claude's fingers digging into his back as his back arched from he bed.

 Maybe that was what drawed him to the man. They were polar opposite, passionate against reserved; conservative. Rough against clean cut. Firey hormones brought them together that night but Claude was continually drawn to him. This wild and untamed man caught his heart in a choke hold and became Claude's first real love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any ideas on who solider is?  
> Also remember when Claude told Eric that Ronald was the only person with Rachel when she died in the original series? Yup. Wrote it up.


	3. Wee boy's issues. (Baldroy.)

 Eric once again found himself fuming at the crisis team's words. He had hoped that this time they would finally give Alan the help he needed. Secretly he had hoped that Alan would be kept in for observation, with how bad his psychosis was getting.

 Yet again he felt disgusted, especially at the woman's last statement. "I'm a profession in mental health, I've seen this countless times. Self harm does not equal suicidal intent."

 "But he needs help! Can't ya' jus' keep him in for observation or somethin!?"

 "Our psychiatric units are filled to the brim. With people who are actually extremely ill, not with some boy and his wee issues." With that she walked off, heels clicking against the hospital floor.

 A punch hit the wall in the hallway, Eric shaking with rage. Steadying his breath, he collected his thoughts and went back into Alan's room. Alan needed his support, not his anger.

 "Well looks like ya' comin' home in a bit after all." He stated.

 "Okay." Was Alan's short reply. He had received stitches to two of his deep cuts on one arm and three on the other. The others were patched up and then his arms bandaged. He had almost cut his stomach, though no where near as badly.

\----

 It was late at night when they returned home, around 9pm. Claude was waiting for them in the living room. "How did it go?"

 "Shit." Eric stated."Crisis team were no use. Where's Ronnie?"

 "Fast asleep in bed. He wasn't feeling very well. Alan, may I have a word in private? If you're feeling okay to do so." Alan nodded and followed Claude, as he moved into the kitchen.

 Eric went to find Titan. He would need feeding soon.

 ----

 "I apologise for my outburst last night." Claude said, lighting up a spliff in the kitchen. "It was uncalled for."

 Alan averted his gaze. "No. I'm the one who ... should be sorry. Those ... dishes were really ... important to you ... and I..."

 "It doesn't matter. You're well being is more important than mere objects. I ... I'm also sorry if my anger towards you last night caused you to harm yourself."

 "It ... it's okay. It wasn't your fault."

 Claude took a long drag and exhaled, before replying. "I am relieved to hear such. It has been playing on my mind ever since Ronald told me what had happened. We are still friends, I hope?"

 "Y ... yes."

 "Then the matter is forgotten." Alan nodded and left the room, to find Eric sitting on the sofa next to Titan. "Wha' we feeding Titan tonight? Sausage or chicken can?"

 "I don't care." With that, he walked up the stairs.

 Eric sighed and the pup whined softly. Petting him, he stated. "Don't worry, boy. Al's gunna' pull through. He ... has ta'. Titan rested his head on Eric's lap, a gesture which comforted the man greatly.

 Claude stayed in the kitchen, spare hand rubbing the bruise on his back. He'd been assaulted again after work, before he had the chance to rush to his car. He was thankful that the abused skin was in that position. Ronald had only seen his front the night before and they hadn't been intimate either, Ronald instead crying once the shock had worn off.

 He hadn't pressed charges this time, not wanting Ronald to realise that he had come home late again. Doing so would just worry his love further. Now he just had to wait and hope that the police would find the culprit soon, before he ended up dead.

 ----

 Ronald had woken up shortly after Claude had left his side. Worry grated away at him. He needed to know, had to know just what had happened to Sebastian. Tried to kill him? Seriously?

 He picked up his phone from the bedside table and scolled down to find the name 'wannabe mortician' in his contact list, planning to ask for Sebastian's phone number. He furrowed his brow when he saw 'should have put a ring on it' listed. When had he gotten Sebastian's number? Oh right, everyone had exchanged numbers after the spin the bottle fiasco.

 He typed out a quick message. 'Hey. Can I come and talk to you tomorow about something important?'

 He waited for a while, before receiving a reply. 'Regarding what? Sorry for the late reply, I was preoccupied.'

 'Yeah ... I know what you were doing.' That messaged was erased before it could be sent, before he sent 'It's about Claude. I'll tell you more face to face.'

 'Sure, I don't see an issue with that. Meet me at the cafe' outside of collage at 3.30pm tomorow. I finish my last lecture at 3pm.'

 'Alright. Thanks, bye.' He turned his phone off and rolled over in bed, letting out a shaky breath. Tomorow he would know for sure. Know the true extent of the horror Claude had seemed to be so afraid of the night before.

\-----

****Claude's past.***

 Claude, now 19 years old, sat down slowly in the living room. His back hurt from being slammed into the wall the previous night. Picking up a packet of Weed, he ground the drug up and rolled himself a joint. It was his go to, whenever he was abused. A way to ease the pain, until tomorow came and he was assaulted again.

 He rubbed his eye with his spare hand. Tears would not fall this evening. His parents, conservative they were, had taught him not to let his emotions show. The British stiff upper lip had been ingrained into him since his early childhood. As his dad had said, men do not show weakness.

 And to his parents, what a 'failure' he had turned out to be. Caught with another boy in bed a short while after turning sixteen, he'd been thrashed and kicked from the house.

 He'd stayed with his grandparents for a short while, who had softened in their old age. They had accepted him and told him that life was supposed to have some fun to it. They had told him to follow his dreams.

He had not. He had wanted to become a poet but he followed his father's example of being an accountant. His previous dream of being an artist had been crushed by his father at an early age.

 Currently, he wanted nothing more than for his parents to accept him back into their lives. Therefore, he was now in university for that subject alone. Of course, as he reached his his early twenties, he had tossed that hope aside. He had moved on. His parents hadn't spoken to him since that fateful day anyway.

 The door was pushed open and Baldroy entered, a scowl on his face. "Ya' little tart!"  
Claude kept his composure, as he had been taught to. "Pardon?"

 "I saw ya' flirting about wi' tha' chap on tha' way home."

 Claude just eyed him. Even speaking to another male was deemed as cheating in this relationship and asking him why he had been following him was fruitless. He was a jealous man and had been following him from a few weeks after they had gotten together. The abuse started within a few months of their relationship beggining.

 "Ya' fucking need ta' learn some respect fa' me." Baldroy shouted, slamming his fists against the bookcase of the room. Claude suppressed a flinch. Conseal, don't feel. Don't let your emotions show. True to his teachings, he continued to eye his love.

 In an instant, the blonde was in front of Claude, grabbing his shirt and shoving him to the floor. He didn't fight back. He had learnt early on that arguing or fighting back just earned him another beating, this time by Baldroy plus his cronies.

 "I'm gunna' show ya' tha' ya' all mine, no one else's." Claude grabbed hold of the band on his trousers, trying to prevent what he knew was to come. His hand was ripped away harshly, Baldroy quickly sitting on the bottom of his legs.

 ---

 His leg was broken that night, after other forms of abuse were acted out on him. He ended up in hospital, after struggling over to grab his phone. He wouldn't press charges, he never did. He loved this man and that feeling alone had him trapped in an abusive relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously, men can feel emotions just as much as women. It was just Claude's parents silly pov.


	4. "You'll be able to fix me, won't you?" "But my love, ya' not broken." (Now touch yourself.)

***Claude's past.***

Broken leg now healed, Claude had caught up with his university work. He'd pushed his friends away, not wanting them to know what was happening to him. This man was the only person he had left to love him. His grandfather had just passed away and his grandmother would soon follow suit, having just been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

 "Oi slut. Ge' ya' ass over here." The blonde shouted at him, as he sat down on the living room sofa. Claude didn't move from his position lying on the floor, a broken finger to add to his collection. "Now. Unless ya' want me tellin' Lau about what a lil' shit ya' being. Ya' know how violent he gets when he can't ge' a fix." Claude got onto his feet shakily.

 "Now come and ride me like tha' tart ya' are."  
Baldroy kicked his trousers and underwear off, moving to lie down on the sofa. Claude began to do the same, struggling to pull his trousers down with just one useful hand. "Hurry tha' fuck up!"

 Clothing off, Claude moved onto the sofa to straddle him, gripping the back of the sofa at his side with his uninjured hand. He sank down onto him, the blonde gripping his hips roughly. He bit down on his lip, to stop a gasp of pain from falling from him. Long gone were the times of using protection and lube or of any preparation.

 He began to move on top of him and Baldroy ran his hand up Claude's stomach. He had lost weight recently, growing anxiety causing his appetite to die. His once sculpted muscles laid waste to a concave belly, bottom of his ribs poking out slightly from under pale skin.

"Now touch yourself."

 Claude looked at him. How would that be possible with a broken finger? If he used his other hand, he'd end up falling on top of the older man and making him angrier. He dug his fingers into Claude's side. "Now."

 Claude complied this time, using his hurt hand to pump himself. He tried to keep quiet, knowing that making any noise would prompt a negative reaction. Failing in his attempts, he let out a hiss of pain as his swollen finger protested against the movement. "Oi! Shut up complainin', ya' piece of shit." He yanked Claude's hand away from the sofa and shoved him sideways onto the floor. Another hiss left him, as his bad hand hit the carpet.

 Baldroy stood up. "Right then, on ya' back this time. No more whinin', unless ya' want what's comin' ta' ya.' Claude did as he was told, lying back with his head resting on the arm of the sofa. Baldroy moved into position, grabbing the younger man's legs just above the back of his knees and bending them back until Claude's bottom was in the air. He slid back into him, pile driving him this time. Claude turned his head, face pressing against the back cushion and biting down on the material to stop himself from vocalising his pain.

 Was this really love? Or was all he received in return sordid lust and possessiveness? Still, no tears would fall tonight. Weakness was something that was never allowed in the Faustus household and it certainly wouldn't surface during this brutal encounter.

\------  
****Present day.****

 Eric scooped Titan's food into his bowl and headed upstairs. Alan was lying on his back on the bed when he entered the room. He moved over to him, sitting down on the bed and reaching a hand out to stroke Alan's cheek. The boy flinched. "No ... go away. Don't ... hurt me again. Don't ... put me back in that chair."

 Eric continued to caress the skin, speaking softly. "It's me, Al. Don't worry babe, ya' never goin' back to tha' shit hole."

 Alan sniffed. "Is a fiver all I ... was ever worth, Jacob?"

 "Babe, Jacob isn't here, okay? He's locked up, jus' like he should be and ya' worth so much more than tha'. Ya' priceless."

 After a long silence, Alan spoke again. A barely audible and broken sentence was all that he could muster. "I'm ... so confused, Eric. Nothing ... feels right ... anymore."

 "I know-."

 "But ... things will get ... better ... right? Your ... promise is .... going to happen. It ... will, won't it? You ... you'll make everything ... okay again .... Please ... tell me ... that you ... can fix me."

 "Ya' don't need fixin', ya' not broken. But yeah, you'll be able ta' ge' better. Things will ge' better again soon. I know they will."

 Little did the two boys know that things would get much worse in just over a week's time and not just for the two of them.

\----

 The next day, Ronald waited impatiently for half three to come around. He kicked out his frustrations on a football for most of the day in the garden, before it was finally time to meet Sebastian.


	5. Not the chair again! (A punctured lung is never fun.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This series is turning quite dark. Still, I'm getting so into the character development. It's sad to think that Eric is the only one in that household to have had a decent past.

***Claude's past.***

  
The twenty year old had just started work in a bank, as an accountant assistant, having not long completed his two year university associates degree. The abuse just seemed to be getting worse, more broken fingers plus sprains becoming a common occurrence.

 "What happened this time?" Angela, an accountant at the bank asked. Claude stayed silent, pushing his reading glasses up his nose. Those were personal matters, to which he would not discuss with anyone.

 Angela spoke again. "Honestly, you come in with more cuts and bruises each day. That partner of yours is disgusting. All I see him do after work is shout and swear at you. You deserve better."

 Claude didn't reply, instead walking out of the staff room. The work day was about to begin.

\------

***Present day.***

 Ronald went to the cafe' by his old college and found Sebastian waiting for him inside. "Would you like something to drink?" The teacher asked. "I find their coffee to be delectable."

 "No thanks."

 "Then let us not waste anymore time on pleasantries. What about Claude is it that you wish to discuss?"

 "The relationship he was in before he got wi' y'."

 Sebastian took a sip of his coffee and then spoke. "I see. What about it?"

 "Claude said tha' whoever it was tried ta' kill y'?"

 "Indeed he did."

 "What happened?"

 Another sip. "He somehow found out that we were dating. He confronted me after college one day in the car park."

 "Yeah and?"

 A longer sip. "He knocked me to the ground, retrieved a rope from around his belt hooks and tried to strangle me."

 "Shit. Really?"

 "Yes. A sharp blow to his intimate area with my knee soon put a stop to that attempt. He ran off when other staff members came to see what the commotion was about."

 "Bloody hell."

 Sebastian studied him carefully. "Why do you ask?"

 "Tha' guy is back causin' him trouble."

 "I thought as much. Claude isn't a man to talk about his past unless there is good reason."

 "So he didn't talk to y' 'bout it until y' was attacked?"

 "He did a few months into his relationship. He was quite a broken man when I first met him. Though, as the relationship continued, he closed himself off again."

 "Alright. Did tha' guy leave y' alone after tha'?."

 "He did, however Claude came home in an awful condition the one night. He'd been beaten senseless. He then decided to get a restraining order. Didn't matter though, the damage was already done. He ended the relationship when I had to leave the city for a year due to personal matters. I once thought that he had just moved on quickly but I now realise that he did it as an attempt to keep me safe."

 "Shit. That's rough. Wha' does this twat look like? So I can batter him if I ever see him causin' Claude trouble.

 "Blonde hair. Blue eyes. You'll be able to tell him. He has a crazed look in those eyes. At least, he did when I encountered him. Is there anything else you wish to know?

 Ronald shook his head. He didn't want to hear anything else. He was too concerned and enraged. "I should go. Thanks for y' time."

 "But of course. Do take care now."

 On returning home, he went straight to the garden, kicking the ball against the garage door with force. "Tha' bastard! Fuckin' cunt!" His anger only built, thinking over what had happened to Sebastian. Then just what had Claude been subjected to? 'Abusive in every way possible" He had stated. Had he been put through 'that'? The ball was kicked again. "Ah, fuck!"

 Eric heard the commotion and came outside. "Ronnie, ya' alright?"

 "Do I look fuckin' okay?"

 "Well no, that's kinda' why I asked. What's up?"

 Ronald kicked the football again, as he began to explain.

 "Seriously? Claude used ta' ge' beaten on?"

 "Yeah. Obviously he still is bein'. Jus' hope tha' police can catch him soon, before somethin' real bad happens." He sighed, before asking "Where's Alan? Haven't seen him all day, is he okay?"

 "I took him ta' Luna's before work. She didn't 'ave university today and said she'd keep an eye on him. Jus' come back from work to 'ave a shower and tha', before I go and see him. Wanna' come?"

 "Yeah alright."

\----

 Once at Luna's, Alisha let them in and they found Alan lying on the sofa, head in her lap. "He's been in a really bad way today." She said. "Been screaming the house down."

 "Shit. Jacob again?" Eric asked.

 "Obviously."

\-----

 A hour later, Alan was awake. Within five minutes, he began to hallucinate again, screaming and falling from the sofa. Eric raced over to him, from the chair he'd been sitting on. He grabbed Alan's wrists, where less severe cuts had been placed and pinned them at his sides, shifting to sit lightly on his legs. He didn't want Alan's stitches to reopen.

 The small boy thrashed about from under him. "No! Don't ... don't hurt me!

 Eric felt tears prick at his eyes, at seeing how pained Alan's expression was. "Al, come on, snap outta' it. It's me, okay? Ya' not in any danger."

 Alan's back arched up, tears slipping from his eyes. "No. No, it ... it's painful. Stop ... it. No ... not the chair again! No ... no, please."

 Ronald and Luna were at his side quickly, all three of them trying to comfort him. As he began to calm down, Eric looked at his arms, to see blood seeping through his jumper. He'd popped his stitches.

 -----

 Claude returned home just after five. Ronald had text him earlier, to tell him that he was at Luna's. For that he was thankful, as he made his way to the bathroom. He eased his ripped trousers off, to reveal a shallow slash caused by a knife on his thigh. A grunt left him, as he pressed a towel to it, until the bleeding had stopped. The towel and trousers were disposed of in the waste bin outside of the house.

 At least he could hide the evidence of what had happened. Ronald hadn't seen his legs either on the night of the first assault. He didn't have to know. Claude wouldn't let him become any more angry or worried.

\----

***Claude's past.****

 The thin man stared up at a white ceiling. He was in the hospital again, having sustained a broken rip and punctured lung. His head hurt, as did his back and insides. Baldroy had been more brutal than ever two nights ago. Finally, he had decided to press charges.

 The man was later sentenced to a pitiful two years in prison. Claude had then rented out a small flat on the other side of the city, hoping that once Baldroy was released, he wouldn't be able to find him. Of course, that wouldn't come to pass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angela is the female angel btw.


	6. This is gettin' outta' hand. (Drive me to the hospital.)

***Claude's past.***

Sat at the bar of a local gay club, the twenty one year old was sipping at a gin and tonic. Most nights after work were spent like this, on one night stands and no strings sex. At least then, he would have the illusion of love without the pain and heartbreak. Without the worry that once Baldroy was released in a few short months, he would come after him and his new partner. His sentence had been cut from two years to eighteen months. The decision angered the broken man.

 Things had gotten better in those one and a half years, Claude moving up the ladder quickly in his job, to become a full accountant. He had gained a bit of weight back though not much, still being a nervous wreck inside, an attitude of disconcern masking that anxiety well.

 "One might consider you handsome if such an awful scowl had not affixed itself to your face." A man with black hair stated, sitting on the stool next to him. That was the strangest pick up line Claude had ever heard and yet, somehow it worked.

 "One might find you desirable if you weren't so condescending." He smirked and extended his hand. "Claude."

 The other man shook it. "Sebastian. It is a pleasure to me you."

 Claude eyed the handsome man in front of him. "So your place or mine?"

\----  
***Present day.***

 The three had taken Alan to the hospital, to get his wounds seen to. He was then taken home, Luna deciding to stay the night.  
In bed that night, Alan was sitting with his back against the head board, his body trembling terribly. "Just ... leave me alone. Just ... let me sleep."

 Eric was sitting next to him, hand holding Alan's gently. "Jus' keep fighting them. I know ya' can do this."

 "No ... they are winning. Winning ... so easily. I'm trying ... to put up a ... fight but ... it's like I'm not even trying ... with how little it's ... helping."

\----

 The next day was Eric's day off in the week. A loud bang was heard from the kitchen. Moments later, a drawer was pulled open, a knife being drawn from it. "Stay away from me!"

 "Alan ... calm down. Give me tha' knife." The blonde said as calmly as possible.

 "Get back! Don't ... make me hurt you!"

 "Hand it over." Eric took a few steps closer to the frightened boy.

 "I said get away from me!"

 "Please, Al. Jus' drop tha' knife, okay?" He said, moving forward more.

 "No!"

 As Eric moved forward again, his shirt was cut horizontally by the knife, a gash being produced on his chest. He winched and grabbed Alan's wrist to prevent another blow. Alan's eyes widened, his grip on the weapon loosening. It clattered to the floor. "Eric ... shit. I ... didn't mean - I thought ... Joseph ... was here."

 As the other began to cry, Eric sighed and spoke. "This is gettin' outta' hand. I'm gunna' 'ave ta' take ya' back ta' tha' hospital."

 "No! No ... please!"

 "Alan ... can't ya' see tha' I'm obviously not givin' ya' tha' help ya' need? Ya' need profession help." He let go of Alan's wrist at that point.

 The smaller man moved forward, gripping his shirt and pressing his face against it. "Please ... don't. Don't ... let them drug me up ... again."

 Eric wrapped his arms around the other, thinking for a while. "Okay ... I won't then for now, if it scares ya' tha' much but next time I'm gunna' have ta'.

 "O ...okay. I ... don't ... want want to ... be taken away ... from you."

 "Neither do I."

 ----

***Claude's past***

 Claude gulped the last bit of his drink down quickly and left the club, Sebastian following him out. He pulled a spliff from his pocket, lighting up. After a long drag, he offered it to Sebastian.

 "Oh, no thank you. I do not smoke."

 "So my place then?"

 "I do not see why not."

 Claude finished smoking, before they hailed a cab. Getting back to his flat, he pulled Sebastian over to the bed. The other man kicked his shoes off and lay down on top of it. Their clothes were soon removed. "You are quite well endowed." Sebastian stated, eyeing him up.

 "As are you."

\----

 Pants mingled in the warm air ten minutes later, Claude having grabbed a condom from his bedside table, moving between Sebastian's legs and lifting his hips up. "Hmm, you are indeed ... skilled in this." The teacher stated.

 "Enough practice makes a man a professional." Claude let out a grunt as he neared climax. He didn't know it yet, but this man would soon become his second love.

\----

***Present day.***

 Sebastian was nearing the end of his last class for the day, just before five thirty pm. Feeling his phone vibrate in this pocket, he pulled it out to see a missed call from Claude. Something wasn't right.

 "Seems as if you are in luck. I have been called to a meeting. You are all free to go." It didn't take the students long to exit the class. As the last student moved to the hallway, his phone rang again.

 "Good afternoon."

 "Sebastian ..." His breath was shaky on the other end of the phone.

 "Is everything okay?"

 "It is fine ... I'm just in no condition to drive home."

 "And why is that?"

 "It doesn't matter right now. Are you free to come to my bank?"

 "Of course."

 "You know what my car's appearance is. I haven't changed vehicles."

 "I will be there shortly." The teacher dropped his lab coat on the desk and pulled on his jacket, before moving swiftly to the car park.

 Once driving to the now empty carpark, apart from one car, of the bank, he hurried over to Claude's vehicle. The door was unlocked and he found lying Claude on the back seat, blood stains on his white suit shirt. "What has he done to you this time?"

 Claude didn't turn his head to look at him. "It is unimportant."

 "Claude, tell me."

 "What do you think? What he always does" He struggled into a sitting position.

 "Tarnishing my prized car with his filth."

 "I see."

 "Can you just take me to the hospital?"

 "Of course. Come and get in my car."

 "If I was able to stand up, I would have been able to drive myself there. Getting redressed was challenging enough."

 He eyed Claude sadly. "Yes, I suppose you make a valid point." Sebastian got into the drivers seat. "I guess the restraining order did nothing to quell his obsession."

 "It did not. I even went to the supermarket before coming back here. Yet, he was still waiting for me." To the other's surprise, his voice began to crack. "After ten years, you would have thought that he'd grow tired of me. That his obsession would lessen."

 "He is a maniac. You are well aware of that fact. Do you want me to call Ronald before I get on the road?"

 "Do not be foolish."

 "He is your partner. I think he would like to know what has happened."

 Claude laughed bitterly. "Please, he is just a boy. I should be the one looking after him, not the other way around."

 "A boy who loves you."

 "And what has loving me ever caused anyone but untold misery?"

 "Claude-."

 "I'm not phoning him. Now be so kind as to pass me my lighter and roll ups."

 "Still as anxious as ever I see."

 "Can you blame me? One day soon, I am sure that I will die by his hands."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last but one chapter of Claude's past pov.


	7. Stabbed in the shoulder. (Rape kit exams make for an unpleasant experience.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God I could cry over this chapter. 23 cigarettes smoked in the past 28 hours, that's how Ansty I'm feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may need to read "Teach" from the side story "You are the only one for me" to understand what Ronald is on about.

***Claude's past.***

A few weeks after meeting, Sebastian stood up from the bed. "Well, I shall see you tomorow night then." Claude didn't reply and Sebastian looked back over at him. "Is something the matter? You've been less talkative than usual, if that is possible."

 "It is nothing important, do not worry yourself."

 "And yet my concern grows. Please do voice your issue."

 Claude pulled the covers over himself. "Do I mean anything to you?"

 "In what way?"

 "You know what I am referring to, do not try to avoid the question."

 "Why are you asking in the first place?"

 "Never mind. Just go if you're not going to answer a simple question."

 "Matters of the heart are never simple." He pulled his t-shirt on. "But if you must know, I've been in love with you since our first night together."

 "I see."

 "But I know relationships do not interest you."

 "Maybe they do not. But ... will you stay the night? I enjoy your company."

 "It would be my pleasure."

 There was something about this man that had also captured Claude's heart. That night they became a couple. Claude would soon curse himself for being so selfish as to pursue a relationship.

\-----

 Two weeks into their relationship, Claude was staying at Sebastian's place. "You do not eat much, do you?"

"I simply have no appetite."

 Sebastian smiled sweetly at him. "I'm sure you will regain it, after tasting my cooking."  
That night, a dinner of roast beef and lush, creamy potato was placed in front of him. "If you are not salivating right now, there is something desperately wrong with you."

 "It smells simply divine."

 With the help of Sebastian's delicious cooking, his weight began to increase. With the aid of Sebastian's weight set, muscle tone was regained.

\----

 A month into their relationship, the two were kissing and groping on top of Claude's bed. Sebastian moved to suck on his neck, fingers raising to Claude's mouth. "What say we switch positions for tonight?"

 Claude drew in a sharp breath, trying to stop his body from tensing. "No, I do not enjoy it."

 "Hmm, maybe you just haven't met a man able to pleasure you properly."

 "Maybe not but I still do not wish to try it again." He said, beginning to get irritated.

 "Why not? Bad experience?"

 "No-."

 "Then if not a bad experience, what?"

 Claude glared at him. "Does rape constitute a bad experience?" He pushed Sebastian off of him. "Get dressed. I am not longer in the mood."

 "Rape?"

 "Forget I said anything."

 "I wish to-."

 "Silence yourself, you are beggining to anger me."

 Sebastian asked him about it the next day and then the next, until Claude finally opened up to him. Not out of intrigue but out of concern.

 -----

 ***Present***

 Eric pulled a pair of nail scissors from his shoulder, moving his hand to the wound, to apply pressure. Alan let out a choked sob, collapsing to his knees. "I ... I'm a monster." He cried, before falling into hysterics.

 Eric left the bedroom, to get a towel to press against his shoulder. With his spare hand, he pulled out his phone. "Yeah, my boyfriend needs an ambulance." The person on the other end of the phone spoke, before Eric replied. "He's schizophrenic. He's having really bad hallucinations and I'm worried he's gunna' try and kill himself." A few moments later, the call was ended.

 Ronald came into the room at that point. "Hey, wondered where y' was. Alan's screamin' and cryin' in the bed- shit, wha' happened ta' y' shoulder?"

 Eric's eyes were filled with tears. "Alan stabbed me wi' a pair of scissors. I don't think it's too deep though."

 "He really needs ta' go ta' hospital."

 "Jus' phoned an ambulance. Can ya' stay wi' him while I wait for tha' paramedics ta' knock tha' door?"

 "Yeah. No problem at all."

 8 minutes later, the paramedics and Eric entered the bedroom. Alan was curled into a tight ball on the floor, Ronald giving him reassurance as he rubbed his back.

 As they drew nearer to him, Alan shielded his face with his hands, words muffled. "How ... could you ... Eric? You ... just want ... rid of me then. I ... knew you'd stop loving me."

 Still, he put up no resistance when Ronald later scooped him up in his arms and carried him outside to the ambulance.

\----

 Claude and Sebastian were waiting in accident and emergency. He would be seen quickly, sexual assault victims being a high priority. "How are you feeling?" Sebastian asked.

 "Fine."

 "You're looking quite pale."

 "I'm just in pain." Sebastian took his hand in his, giving it a squeeze. "What exactly do you think you're doing? We are not together anymore."

 "No but we are still friends and friends comfort each other in their time of need."

 "I do not need comforting."

 His hand was squeezed again. "But you do. For once in your life, stop trying to act so courageously."

 "I'm not ... a weakling." His voice began to crack.

 "No you're not. But men are allowed to show emotions. They are allowed to cry too."

 "I will not ... shed any ... tears over that lunatic."

 "You say that so sincerely, even with tears slipping from your eyes."

 "Yes, well ... this will be the first and ... last time that I shall cry because of him. If Ronald phones you, don't answer it. I wish him to not see me in such a pathetic state."

 "If that is what you desire, though you are not pathetic, you are just hurting."

\-----

 Six thirty pm was the time stated, as Ronald sat staring at his phone. Claude should have been home an hour ago. Even if he had gone to the police station again, he would be back by now.

 Ronald waited another ten minutes, before phoning Claude. He didn't answer, so the blonde tried to phone Eric, whose phone was off (it had probably ran out of battery life.) Next, he tried Sebastian but his phone rang out.

 Panic beggining to set in, he rung the hospital, on the off chance that Claude had been seriously assaulted. Explaining that he was Claude's fiance', he was told that Claude had been admitted not long ago.

 He rushed from the house, running to the hospital. It had not occurred to him that getting in a taxi would be quicker.

\-----

 Finally getting there twenty minutes later, he was told that Claude was in a hospital room, the doctor having just finished treating him.  
He entered the room to find Sebastian sitting at Claude's bedside, newspaper in hand.

 "Wha' happened? All I was told was tha' y' was assaulted."

 Claude shifted his gaze to him. "How did you know I was here?"

 "'Cause I phoned the hospital, I'm not as stupid as y' think I am. Now tell me wha' happened."

 "No."

 "Why tha' fuck not?!"

 "You are too young to deal with such matters."

 "Bullshit! I was thirteen when I got assaulted, remember?"

 "But still, what good will knowing do you?"

 Ronald moved closer to the bed. "I don't give a shit. I want ta' know 'cause I care 'bout y'."

 There was a pause, before Claude replied. "I hurt my back."

 "Yeah okay. How? Tha' guy beat y' up again, didn't he?"

 "If you must know, yes he did."

 "'Kay. When are y' getting out of here?"

 "Tomorow morning. They wish to keep me in to monitor me. In case I've done lasting damage to my back. However, I think it is probably just a pulled muscle."

 "Alright."

 "Claude." Sebastian stated. "Tell him the rest." Claude shot him a glare. "Come on, he isn't a boy anymore. You were younger than he is now when you were first assaulted. He deserves to know. If you plan to marry, you cannot keep things like that hidden from him."

 "Tha' rest? Wha' else did tha' bastard do ta' ya' and hold on, how did y' pull y' back in the first place?"

 "I merely twisted sharply in an attempt to get away from him."

 "Is tha' really wha' happened?"

 "It is."

 "So tell me tha' rest."

 "No, Ronald-."

 "Fuckin' tell me or I'll just ask Sebastian instead!"

 Claude let out a long exhale. "It is not something that I wish you to know."

 "Sebastian, tell me wha' happened."

 "Fine!" Claude intercepted the conversation. "If you must know, he sexually assaulted me.

 "Holy ... shit." 

 "Believe me, I did not wish him to but with a knife pressed to my throat I had little choice but to comply with his demands."

 "I know tha'! I know y' wouldn't want ta' shag him after he beat y' up." Ronald tried to compose himself. "Y' best be pressin' charges."

 "I will. Though I doubt it will do any good, the police have been unable to locate him thus far."

 "When are y' gunna' do it?"

 "Tomorow. Once the evidence is collected, just like ... last time. I didn't want to have that exam performed today, not with my back in such a state."

 Ronald sat on the bed, holding Claude's hand. "Yeah okay. I'm gunna' come wi' y', don't worry."

 "No, you will not."

 "Why not?"

 "Because I do not wish for you to see me in that ... position. Having ... swabs collected isn't a nice ... experience."

 "Umm ... yeah I know tha'. I had a rape kit done too, y' know. I know tha' it ain't nice ta' be fiddled wi' like tha'."

 "You are ... not coming with me. I am not ... going to argue with you ... over this."

 Ronald released his grip, throwing his own hands up in the air. "For fuck sake Claude! For once in y' bloody life, let me be there for y', instead of me always needin' y' support!"

 "I do not ... require your ... support."

 "Please ... If y' didn't need support, why tha' fuck are y' cryin?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also if anyone is unsure what a rape kit is:
> 
> You may have heard the term “rape kit” to refer to a sexual assault forensic exam but it actually refers to the kit itself—a container that includes a checklist, materials, and instructions, along with envelopes and containers to package any specimens collected during the exam. It is used to collect evidence after a sexual assault and includes the following :  
> Bags and paper sheets for evidence collection  
> Comb  
> Documentation forms  
> Envelopes  
> Instructions  
> Materials for blood samples  
> Swabs


	8. False hope. (Y' not pitiful or pathetic or any of tha' other shit y' called y'self last night.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Totally been rping as Claude for the last 12 hours, in order to write this.

***Sebastian's profile***

 Sebastian Michaelis: Proof that a rough start does not foretell an unhappy ending. Abandoned by his mother, a Heroin addict, at birth, he was adopted by a kind, wealthy couple. The new family moved around a lot, one location being Edinburgh.

 He did well in college and decided to become a chemistry teacher. As his parents moved again, he stayed in the city.  
He fell in love, lost his first love to cancer at the tender age of eighteen. Found a second love at the age of twenty three, only to be parted from him by their ex lover and his mother's passing. Finally, he settled down with an ex student and got married. For him, life turned out to be quite marvellous.

***Claude's past***

 Claude pushed the door open to his flat, where Sebastian was waiting with dinner prepared. On seeing Claude's appearance, he asked. "Baldroy has located you also?"

 "It would appear so."

 "Well I hope you kneed him in the testes, as I did."

 "That is hardly amusing, given the circumstances." Claude replied bitterly.

 Sebastian was taken aback. "No, he didn't-."

 "He did. What if for dinner?"

 "That is hardly important. We must get you to the hospital immediately."

 "No. I wish not to be poked and prodded at once again."

 "You must-."

 "And lose what little dignity I have left?"

 "You need to be seen by medical professionals. You are in awful shape." He said, gesturing to the black eye and torn clothing, gashes present under the gaps of the material."

 ----

 Finally convinced to seek medical help, Claude underwent the second sexual assault exam of his life, the first occurring after his broken rib and rape.

 Baldroy received a pitiful 10 months in prison, the justice system having failed the victim again. As such, a restraining order was granted and Claude continued his relationship, acting as if nothing had happened. Acting as if he didn't feel danger, both for him and his lover.

 He continued to be surrounded by billows of pungent smoke but also continued to gain weight, until his body was almost back to how it had once been. Toned and sculpted.

 Sebastian never mentioned trading positions in bed again. No, Claude only let that fear slip when he fell head of heels for a Mr Knox. That boy made him want to have love made to him, not just the other way around.

\------

***Present day***

 A few hours after being admitted, Alan had calmed down. He hadn't lashed out or spoken of the voices since the ambulance was called. "It's ... almost as if ... they know ... that I can't kill myself in a hospital. That ... I wouldn't be able to. How ... can they be so clever?"

 Eric shook his head. "No babe, maybe bein' out of tha' house ... has helped ya' calm down or maybe tha' voices are startin' ta' fade again."

 "Do you ... really think so?"

 "Yeah. Think 'bout it. Everythin' gets better in tha' end." In reality, Eric was worried. He'd be let out of the hospital in a day or so, if the voices didn't resurface and then they'd be back where they started.

 "Do you ... still love me?"

 "Always will, babe. I'm ... sorry I had ta' bring ya' here. I jus' didn't see another way ta' help ya' at tha' moment. But never think tha' I wanna' ge' rid of ya'. I never will."

 "Thank you ... Eric. I'm so ... sorry about your ... shoulder. I didn't ... think it was you."

 "I know, Al. Got it all patched up so it's alright. Jus' don't aim for me next time." He joked.

 "If you're right ... about everything, then there won't be a next time."

 "True tha'." Eric said, hoping that that would be the case.

 "I'm gunna' go outside and phone Ronnie, okay?"

 "Okay."

\-----

 He made his way out into the hallway and looked at his phone. It was dead. He decided to find a phone in the hospital and ring the house, as he couldn't remember Ronald's number.

 As he walked down another hallway, Ronald came out of the bathroom looking pale. He didn't even notice Eric, until he nearly bumped into him. "Sorry, didn't mean - Eric?"

 "Tis' me. Thanks for comin' ta' see Al." Ronald looked away. "Are ... ya' alright?"

 "I'm sorry, buddy. I was gunna' come see Al but ... then Claude, he -." He took in a shaky breath and began to sniff.

 "Wha' 'bout him? He ain't been attacked again, has he?"

 "He ... that bastard ..."

 "Ronnie come on, spit it out."

 "He got ... raped."

 "Wha'? Seriously, Claude?"

 "Yeah, I didn't say anythin' earlier 'cause I wasn't sure wha' sorta' abuse he suffered in tha' past, apart from gettin' tha' shit kicked outta' him."

 "Shit ... I don't know wha' ta' say."

 Ronald looked him in the eyes then. "How ... tha' fuck did y' cope when tha' happened ta' Al? I ... I ... I'm kinda in shock, I ... I don't feel ... so good." He fell forward but Eric caught him, steadying him again.

 "Let's ge' y' some food and fresh air, alright?"

 "No ... y' need ta' take care of Alan. Keep him safe ... I couldn't even protect Claude. Wha' use am I as ... a fiancé if ... I can't even do tha'?"

 "Come on, Ronnie. It's not ya' fault. How was ya' supposed ta' know tha' this shit would happen?"

 "I ... guess you're right. This world is fuckin' rotten if y' ask me. How .... is Alan anyway?"

 "No clue. Tha' voices 'ave gone again for tha' time being but that's shit 'cause they will probs let him out now."

 "Fuck."  
\-----

 The next morning, Claude went to visit a separate section of the hospital, which delt with rape kit testing, once Ronald returned with clean clothes for him to wear on his departure. "Claude, please lemme' come in wi' y'. I don't want y' to deal wi' this on your own."

 Claude noticed the tears in Ronald's eyes and replied. "If you must then." Ronald nodded. "I ... really would rather you not see me looking so pitiful though."

 "After how upset y' got last night, I don't wanna' leave y' side. Y' not pitiful or pathetic or any of tha' other shit y' called y'self last night."

 It was Claude's turn to nod. They were soon took into a private room and Claude was asked questions about his medical history. He was then asked to explain what had happened.

 "He confronted me in the parking lot as I opened the car door, giving me two large gashes to my chest. He then forced me at knife point to lie on the back seat and removed my trousers and underwear. I tried to push him off of me and that is when I twisted awkwardly and pulled my back. He then shoved me down on the seat again and kissed me, before pressing the knife to my throat. Then he- I apologise but I do not wish to continue my statement."

 Ronald gave Claude's hand a comforting squeeze. "Come on babe, I know it's hard ta' talk 'bout but it's better if they know tha' full story." He could feel his own upset beginning to increase.

"But it is such a degrading topic. I should have fought against him harder, to stop those events from occurring. I'm ... such a weak man."

"No y' not. He had a knife on him. There's no way y' could 'ave stopped him."

 The doctor gave Claude a reassuring smile. "It is never the victims fault, Mr Faustus."

 "Very well, if I must. He ... then got between my legs and lifted my hips with his free hand. He then enter- assaulted me. No protection was used."

 After finishing his statement, photographs were taken of Claude's front and then back, in case they would need to be used as evidence.

 Swabs were taken from inside of Claude's mouth, as well as as a buccal sample to get his own DNA. They also took a sample from Ronald, so they could separate his DNA from Baldroy's.

 The clothing brought from the previous day was then taken and his body was examined for foreign hair. His hands and under his finger nails were scraped for skin particles and public hair combed through.

 "Please turn your head. I do not wish for you to see this." Ronald did as he was asked and Claude gripped his hand tightly, as he was swabbed. Any light touch to that area was painful, it still being extremely sore.

 Once all the evidence was collected, the grim issue of HIV was raised and Claude was given PEP drugs. As they went to hail a taxi to return home, Ronald asked "Y' don't think he has HIV, do y'?"

 "No. As far as I'm aware, I am the only person he has pursued in the last ten years. I highly doubt that he has any STI'S, as I tested negative last time I was assaulted."

 "Ah, that's a real relief. Are y' sure y' okay?"

 "Yes, codeine based products work wonders for back pain."

 "I mean ... emotionally."

 "Don't be foolish. I am fine."

 "Y' don't seem fine."

 "I wish not to speak further on this matter, do you understand?"

 "But-."

 "Enough, Ronald. If I say that I am fine, then I am fine."

 "But babe, y' cryin' again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup so sneak preview. Sebby and Undie end up getting married!


	9. Suicidal tendencies. (Fuck y', fuck tha' weddin'!)

 Claude wiped his eyes and flashed a smirk. "I am quite alright."

"No, y' not! Stop tryin' ta' act all hard."

 "Ronald, be quiet."

 "But-."

 "Speak another word about this and I'm calling off the engagement!" Hurt crossed Ronald's face. "I ... I am sorry. I did not mean that. Can we please just return home?" Ronald nodded slowly. "How is Alan anyway?"

 "Shit. I completely forgot, he's in here."

 "In the hospital?"

 "Yeah, he had a bad episode and Eric had ta' phone an ambulance."

 "I see. Hopefully he will start to recover again soon."

\---

 They headed outside, Ronald eyeing the older man with concern. He was walking slowly and was in obvious pain. "Ronald, did Sebastian hand you my car keys?"

"Yeah but y' can't be thinkin' of drivin'."

 "I am not."

 Getting to his car, he retrieved his Weed and lit up, sitting down carefully on the drivers seat. Ronald sat next to him and Claude offered him his joint. "No thanks, babe."

 They got a taxi home, Claude calling in sick until the following Monday. Between now and then, the atmosphere was tense between the couple, Claude being in a foul mood all weekend.

\----

 Alan had been released two days after being admitted, the doctors putting his psychotic episode down to stress. Eric was concerned; this is just what he had feared. It became apparent that his worry was valid, as the next day Alan's psychosis began again, though not as extreme to begin with.

 -----

***Sunday***

 "Get away from me!" Alan screamed, pressing a knife to his wrist. "I've fucking had ... enough of this shit!" He laughed manically. "See sexy ... I'm not fucking ... aiming for you this time. Aren't you oh so proud?" 

 The item was wrestled away from him by Eric, as Luna phoned an ambulance. Alan put up a fight this time, screaming and trying to pull away from the paramedics.

 When Eric had first gone to visit him, he found Alan to be heavily sedated, after biting a nurse who was trying to help him. They had chosen not to restrain him, as his stitches were still in place.

 Eric moved over to his bed, Ronald and Luna close behind him. Alan was asleep, knocked out by the drugs, a rarely peaceful expression on his face. His partner brushed the hair from his forehead, bending down to kiss the skin tenderly. "Please Al, jus' start gettin' better again soon. We all need ya'. I fuckin' need ya'. I won't survive wi'out ya'."

\----

 ****Monday morning.****

 Eric had just come home from work, though he wanted nothing more than to just quit and stay at Alan's bedside. Ronald smiled at him, before speaking. "Wanna' come wi' me ta' join a sports centre in town? They hold friendly footie matches."

 "Not really in tha' mood for games right now, Ronnie."

 Ronald's smile faded. "Neither am I. Everythin' has really gone ta' shit but doesn't footie cheer y' up? Plus we ain't played together in ages. I know tha' I feel happiest when I'm running around tha' field, kicking the hell outta' tha' ball. If I couldn't play ... I don't know how I'd cope wi' life."

 "Yeah, y' 'ave a point. Alright I'll come and join but then I really need ta' go see Alan."

 Ronald grinned again. "Awesome!" Once signed up, Ronald went to walk further into town.

 "Y' not goin' home?" Eric asked.

 "Na. I've decided I'm gunna' meet Claude. I'm gunna' keep him safe this time."

 "Alright but jus' be careful."

 "Tha' Bastard's tha' one who will 'ave ta' be careful."

\----

 Claude left work, to find Ronald waiting for him. "Hey babe!"

 "Ronald, are you an imbecile?"

 "Huh?"

 "You should not have come here. What were you thinking?"

 Ronald furrowed his brow. "Why not?"

 "It is not safe. What if he sees us together?"

 "Well he ain't around right now. Plus I came ta' make sure y' would be safe."

 "I do not need your protection! I brought a knife with me. I am done letting him toy with my life. Now let's get home and quickly." He dragged Ronald by the hand to his car and quickly drove off.

 Unbeknownst to the couple, Baldroy and Lau had been watching from behind the tinted windows of the blonde's car and were following them home. "So tha' little tart thinks he can steal my man away from me."

 "What do you plan to do about it?"

 "Ya' know wha' I 'ave planned. Jus' gotta' wait for tha' right opportunity." He lit up a cigarette and stopped outside of the house. Pulling a knife from his pocket, his caressed the blade softly. "Now we jus' gotta' watch and wait."

 "Would you like me to contact Agni and Joker?"

 "Yeah. That's sound real good. Tha' little slut is gunna' ge' what's coming ta' him. I'm gunna' make Claude see wha' a whore tha' bastard is."

 "Joker will enjoy helping with that, I am sure."

 ----

***Inside of the house***

"Wha' are y' gettin' so mad for?! I'm jus' tryin' ta' protect y'!" Ronald shouted.

 "I do not require protection from an infant! What you did was rash! He could have seen us! He could have knifed you right there on the spot!"

 "Infant!? Why do y' keep thinkin' tha' I'm jus' a kid?! After everythin' I've been through and y' still think I'm immature!?"

 "You are immature and ... do you have any brain cells at all?!"

 "Now y' sayin' I'm fuckin' stupid!?"

 "Well your actions today have proved such."

 Ronald balled his fists. "Y' know wha'! Fuck y', fuck tha' weddin'! Y' been snappin' at me all week! It's not my fault tha' monster rammed his dick in y'! I'm fuckin' done!" With that, he stormed from the house.

 Baldroy watched him leave, just as Joker pulled up with Agni in his car. "Bingo." Joker got out of his car and into the blonde man's. They then discussed their plan.

\-----

 Five minutes later, the door rang and Claude went to answer it, thinking that Eric may have forgotten his key. A man with ginger hair and a tattoo on his cheek stood in front of him; a man he did not recognise. Before he could even speak one word, a brick was smacked against his head and he fell to the ground, his vision blurring and then clearing again.

 "Baldroy was right, you are a pretty one." In an instant, he was surrounded, the man he once loved sneering down at him.

 "By the end of tonight, ya' will be mine once more."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ronald's statement on football may be important in later chapters. Haven't decided yet. 
> 
> Transistence, the next chapter is the one I warned you of by email.


	10. Not leaving until I have to. (Ambushed but I'll never leave your side.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dagger - Darren.  
> Betty -Beast. 
> 
> This was before Agni was reformed by Soma. 
> 
> Will put TR as a warning for one friend at the start of a cetrain scene and then TRN at the end, to signal when the act ends.

***6.30pm Ronald's pov***

 Ronald shoved this hands in his pockets, kicking the ground as he headed to a nearby park. _Yeah, I can see why he's upset but he didn't have to take it out on me. Then again, I should have been there to protect him yesterday. Some partner I am._

 Curse words left his mouth, as he entered the park and walked over to a field. Some teenager's were out playing football, even though it was beginning to get dark.  
"Hey! Can I play?"

 One of the boys looked around at him. "Yeah, no bother."

 By Seven o'clock, the match had ended. "What's y' name anyway?" Ronald asked the person who had let him join in to begin with.  
"Darren. Ye' be kinda' good at soccer. Gimme' ye' number, so I can text ye', le' ye' know next time we're playin'." Numbers exchanged, he asked "Ye' wanna' come wi' us ta' the cinema?"

 "And here's me thinkin' tha' ye' would wanna' go alone wi' Betty." Another friend stated.

 Darren glared at him. "She's not comin'. She's been messin' around wi' tha' Joker scum. So wha' do ye' say?"

 "Na, I'll 'ave ta' pass. Next time for sure though." _I should really get back home, stay by Claude's side._ He went back home, having just let off some steam in the game. It had calmed him down enough to start to realise that Claude was just trying to deal with the assault in his own way.

 Stopping outside of the door, he noticed that it was unlocked. _Well that's weird_.

 ****No Pov****

 He stepped inside and noticed a streak of blood on the hallway tiles. In an instant, he'd ran into the living room and then the kitchen, to find Claude tied to a chair, a small trail of blood leaking from the side of his head.

 "Well, well. Looky' wha' we 'ave here. Tha' thief has arrived." Baldroy stated.

 In no time at all, Ronald was over in front of him, a fist flying into Baldroy's face. "Y' fuckin' bastard! I'll show y'!"

 "Ronald, get out of here!" Claude shouted.

 Baldroy shoved Ronald back, a smirk evident, even with a red mark appearing on his face. "Ya' gunna' regret tha'."

 "Ronald, for God's sake, run! Get as far away from here as you can!"

 Ronald turned to face his partner. "I ain't leaving y' here! I told y' tha' I ain't ever gunna' make y' deal wi' shit alone!" A sharp punch hit him in the stomach and he leaned forward, hand pressing to the area. It was pulled away again quickly, another punch being aimed at Baldroy's chin.

 "Fisty lil' bitch, eh?"

 Claude spoke again. "Ronald please ... just get to safety."

 As he punch Baldroy again, he shouted. "Please ... I can take this dick head."

 "No ... you do not understand, th-."

 It was too late, as a Chinese woman had already crept behind him, from her hiding position behind the sofa. A knife was pressed to Ronald's jugular, the other hand placed on his chest, Ran-Mao whispering in his ear. "Don't move."

 "Fuck y'." Ronald grunted at her, though he knew he couldn't move.

 Joker, Agni and Lau walked into the room then. Joker grabbed him by the shirt and the female withdrew the knife. She shifted to let Agni pull Ronald's hands behind his back quickly, wrists in a deadly strong grip.

 "No! Leave him be!" Claude begged.

 "It's ya' fault for lettin' tha' tart seduce ya'. But won't worry, soon you'll see wha' a slag he is." His ex stated.

 "No! Please ... he's just an innocent youngster!"

 Ronald struggled as Joker produced a thin blade, cutting his top from him and slicing into his shoulder. The teenager grunted, glaring at him. There was no way he was about to show any sign of weakness.

 "Leave him alone!" Claude's pleas fell on deaf ears, as Baldroy picked up a hammer, that he had brought with him and walked over to Ronald. Joker moved aside, as a sickening crack pierced the air and then another, the lad's knee caps being shattered.

 His legs buckled and Agni moved at lightening speed to release his wrists, arms supporting under his shoulders.

 "Now. Let's see jus' how much of a whore you are. You smell cheap, with that tarty aftershave you are wearing." Joker eyed him with lust.

"Screw you!" Ronald screamed at him, the pain starting to overtake him.

 "Oh I will be soon, don't you worry."  
\-----

 ****Meanwhile***

 Luna, Sebastian and Eric were in Alan's hospital room. Claude had messaged Sebastian, telling him that Eric would need all the support he could get.

 Eric was sat next to the bed, Alan's hand in his, planting soft kisses to his knuckles.

 "Come on Eric, you should go home and get some rest. Visiting hours are almost ever." Luna encouraged.

 "But-."

 "The doctors stated that Alan will probably be under the effects of sedation until tomorow morning. There is no point staying here." Sebastian added.

 "No. I'll leave at 8pm, when they make me. I'm not leavin' him alone."

\-----

***7.25pm.****

 Ronald now found himself lying on his back naked, hands bound above his head, the end of the rope pulled taught in Agni's hand. His breath was beginning to turn shaky, the pain only mounting. Still, he wouldn't let himself cry. Not in front of these scum.

 "Please ... just stop this. He has nothing to do with this. It's ... a matter between me and you." Claude said, tears pricking at his eyes.

 "Well when someone tries ta' steal my property-." Baldroy began.

 "It has everythin ta' ... do wi' me! He ain't y' fuckin' property, y' piece of shit." Ronald shouted, though his voice was laced with pain. (TR TR TR TR)

 "Joker, please jus' begin already." He turned to Claude. "Watch carefully, babe. You'll soon see what a lil' tart that brat is."

 "I'm going to love this." Joker said, as he pulled his bottom clothes off. He pulled Ronald's legs open, the teenager grunting in agony. Joker licked his fingers, pressing one inside of him. "Now moan like the whore you are."

 "Please ... just stop it." Tears began to slide down Claude's cheeks.

 Baldroy stood behind him, bending down to whisper in his ear. "Now watch carefully. You'll soon see he doesn't just want ya'."

 "Thank you for coming here in such hast. This will be quite a show, won't it, Ran-Mao?" Lau asked, smoking some Heroin at the end of his sentence.

 The female eyed him. "Death."

 A second finger was added and pressed up, Ronald biting his lip to muffle a moan. Joker bent over him, to suck one his nipples, the third finger entering him. All three were rammed into his prostate and he gasped. "Ge' ... ah ... tha' fuck off me!"

 Joker just continued his motions, Claude frozen in his seat. He didn't want to see this but he couldn't move his eyes away, horror fixing his gaze. He couldn't even muster anymore pleas.

 "Get ... off me! Fuck ... ah ... piss off!" A few more presses and he pulled out, spitting into his hand. He lifted Ronald's hips up, who grunted as his knees were slightly moved, then slid his knees under before slicking his member. In one swift movement, he entered him, hand wrapping around Ronald.

 Pants left the younger's mouth, as much as he tried to keep them in. "Hmm ... I think you are enjoying this." Joker said, thrusting into him harshly and pumping him.

 "Shut up ... Hn ... ah ... bastard! Oh ... ahh ... fuck."

 "I hope you are watching your ... sweetheart ... moaning for me, Claude." Joker said, between his own moans. The man couldn't summon an answer.

 Ronald began to moan loudly, his spot behind hit with almost every thrust. "Fuck ... you fucking ... monster! Oh fuck ... hmm." He soon came hard, his fingers digging into his palms.

 "See Claude, he's a cheap tart. Ya' really don't want ta' be stuck wi' filth like that." Baldroy said, smirking widely.

 The abuse continued, Joker pulling out just before climaxing. He would stay like that for a short while, before propelling back inside of the blonde. The victim would arch his back, groans and curses slipping from him, his body acting agaist him. Still, Ronald wouldn't cry. He wasn't going to grant them that prize. (TRN TRN TRN)

 After the fourth round, around quarter to eight, Joker said. "Look at his finger, Soldier. Seems like this tart seduced him into marriage."

 Baldroy was kneeling at Ronald's side quickly, grabbing his hand and pulling the ring off of him. It was tossed carelessly to the floor. A crunch was heard, as Ronald's finger was bent back and snapped.

 "Ah ... ya' not gunna' break me down, no ... matter wha' ya' do." His little finger was snapped. "Y' just a fucking cunt!" Middle. "Claude ... will never go back ta' scum like y'!" Index.

 "Then how's about we take it up a notch."

***7.55***

 Joker looked down at the man, bruises appearing all over his body, a black eye marked onto him, various cuts lining his stomach and arms, knees heavily swollen and purple. Still, Ronald was resilient, not showing a hint of fear.

 "Now, joker." Baldroy stated.

 The knife was withdrawn again and sunk into Ronald's stomach. Ronald's breath hitched, eyes going wide.

 Claude let out a choked sob and Ronald's body began to shake violently, it finally succumbing to shock. He was pulled up overs Angi's shoulder and everyone went upstairs apart from Baldroy, the female having gone and grabbed a crow bar from Baldroy's car. The final phase of their sickening plan almost in motion.

 Baldroy walked back to Claude, hand reaching to rub him through his trousers. "Now that's he outta' tha' way, it's time for some lovin'."

***8pm***

 They came back downstairs, Lau giving Baldroy a thumbs up as they all left, Baldroy shoving himself into a still heavily bound Claude, who now lying on the floor, silent sobs wracking him.

 Outside of the hospital, Eric hailed a taxi with the other two. It would take ten minutes to get home.

 ***8.03****

 Grell felt William soften and pull out. "I wonder what Ronnie and Claude are up to, darling? We should phone them tomorow and ask them to come over. It will be twice the fun then, wouldn't you say?"

 "That is a grand idea. It would be spectacular."


	11. Not breathing. Speaking in riddles.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this writer here is currently on holiday in Greece. Will try to update this once daily at least.

****No pov***

 Luna had just been dropped off, Sebastian going with Eric, back to his house, to see how Claude was doing. As the taxi was revved into action again, Eric pulled his phone out of his pocket, as well as his ear phones.

 He needed something to cheer him up, having not seen Alan's beautiful hazel eyes for most of the day. A video was chosen, being one of a pitiful quantity of Alan. The brunette never did like his picture taken, neither did he like being recorded. Eric wasn't quite sure why but he had a feeling it was due to Alan having low self esteem.

 He flicked the first video on, of Alan with biscuit spread stuck around his mouth, before the boy had realised he was being recorded and scrambled from the kitchen chair.

 Alan had soon got his own back, filming Eric as he took a shit on the toilet. He really should have begun locking the door, after Angelina had walked in on him pissing and almost fainted.

 Alan had then sent the toilet video to Sebastian, who had then forwarded it to Claude and Adrian. Ronald soon received the video and to put it frankly, that wasn't Slingby's finest hour.

 The memory of such events did put a small smile on his face, as he flicked to the next video. This was of Alan and Titan snuggled up on the sofa, both fast asleep. For good reason, Eric never did tell Alan about him filming again.

 Flicking back to the video list, he spotted a video that wasn't previously there, from a few days ago. He opened the file and found a recording of Ronald in his bedroom.

 The blonde was confused for a moment. Sure, he'd forgotten his phone at home a lot while visiting Alan but what was Ronald doing recording himself?

 Ronald had propped the phone up across the room from him. "Hey Eric, I know tha' y' probably gunna' think this is weird but I kinda' need y' help wi' somethin'. He paused. "Tha' guy who hurt ... Claude, well there's a fair chance tha' he's gunna' try and find out where he lives again. If this ... dickhead does, then ... were in trouble."

 He let out a shaky breath. "Look ... I don't know how ta' ask for y' help ... directly. It's ... kinda' awkward. Not somethin' I've had ta' do before. But y' built like a brick house, compared ta' me. Ya' would actually ... be able ta' do some damage ta' them."

 Ronald shook his head, a few slipping from his eyes. "What am I even sayin'? Forget 'bout tha'. I don't need y' help, 'cause I'll protect y' on my own. Y' jus' like family ta' me, y' know? No, y' are family, Y' and Alan."

 "I'll do ... whatever it takes ta' keep y' all safe. Especially Claude ... I'm still alive cussa' him. After my parents died ... I would 'ave probably tried ta' do it again ... if it wasn't for him."

 His signature grin was flashed. "Ah ... fuck, I'm jus' rambling now. But ... If anythin' does happen ta' me ... which it might now ... I dunno. But yeah, if it does ... can y' show this ta' Claude? I want him ta' know tha' I really did love him. I know he's been kinda' snappy wi' me and we'll probs end up fightin' ... but I'll protect him till my last breath ... because I love him.

 "And y' two too. I love y' both, man. Haha ... how fuckin' cheesy. But yeah ... it's tha' truth. Family stick up for family, right?"

 The video was cut off at that point and Eric stared down at his phone. He hadn't even realised that the taxi had just pulled up outside his house. Stepping out of the car, he was pulled away from thinking of the video by Sebastian's voice. "Why is Titan barking in the back garden? He's normally inside."

 "I dunno' ... that's weird."

 "Just unlock the door. I have an awful feeling about this."

 "Wha'?" Eric frowned at him.

 "I tried to phone Claude as we got in the taxi but received no answer. It just seems peculiar."

 "Shit ..." He pushed the key into the door quickly, hoping that what he thought Sebastian was getting at wasnt true.

 Quick paces carried the two men to the living room and that's when Sebastian heard a distinctive voice. "If ya' still want ta' say tha' ya' love tha' tart, then I'll jus' 'ave ta' cut ya' tongue right outta' ya' mouth."

 Within an instant, Sebastian was in the kitchen, dragging the blonde off of Claude, who was still crying silently. He managed to dodge a punch aimed his way, as his anger finally bubbled over. Seeing the man he once loved in so much pain enraged the normally collected man. 

 He shoved Baldroy backwards onto the ground, straddling him and aiming blows at his face repeatedly. "How dare you tarnish honest, good people with your filth!"  
Even after knocking Baldroy unconscious, he continued to punch him, until his ex spoke up.

 "Sebastian, sto .. p this."

 "No. Not when he has caused you so much pain."

 "Please. I ... don't care about myself. You need to find Ronald. To see if he ... is still ..."

 Sebastian looked over at him. "So Ronald is here?"

 "What tha' hell did he do ta' him!?" Eric began to panic.

 "He's been wounded ... just please go make sure he is okay. I ... can't move, even if I was untied, my back ... being thrown out again."

 "Where is he?" The blonde asked.

 "They ... took him upstairs."

 "They?"

 "This monster doesn't work on his own." Sebastian stated. "Go find him, while I see to Claude and ring an ambulance."

 "K."

 Eric bolted upstairs, not finding Ronald in his own room but in his and Alan's. He was over to the bed that Ronald was sprawled out on in a mere moment. At seeing him, he gasped.

 The victim was black and blue, his head badly beaten. Blood covered most of his skin, still oozing slightly from the wound and seeping from his ears. 

 "Ronnie?" Eric said but received no reply. He shook the man's shoulders softly. "Ronnie? Come on, wake up." That's when he noticed that Ronald's chest was perfectly still.

 Having been shown by his dad what to do in a situation like this, he lifted Ronald's chin, tilting his head back and listening for breath. There wasn't any.

 "Shit!" His hands moved to Ronald's chest, as he began to give him chest compressions. "Come on Ronnie, ya' tougher than this." After a while, Ronald coughed up the vomit he had been choking on. "Thank God." He pulled his top off, using it to press to Ronald's stab wound.

 "Er ... ic?" Ronald croaked out, his body beginning to shake and jerk again.

 "Yeah it's me, Buddy."

 "Claude ... O ... Kay?"

 "Yeah, he's alright. Try not to talk, okay? Ya' need ta' save ya' strength."

 "Hn - I - they - not cry. I - didn't - c ...cry."

 "Brave as always, Ronnie."

 Sebastian came into the room then and saw Ronald shaking violently against the covers. "Claude begged me to come and check on him. How is he?"

 "He's not makin' much sense. Keeps jerkin' around too."

 "Na - fine. Vid - O. Make ... sure y' ... vid - show him."

 "I won't need ta'. Ambulance is gunna' be here in a few minutes. Ya' gunna' pull through, ya' hear?"

 To Eric's dismay, Ronald began to jerk more, as he was sick again. Eric turned his head slightly, to prevent him from choking again.  

 "F - amily." Ronald said, vomit running down his chin. He was really struggling to form words now. "Hurts ... head. I ... death."

 "No! Not death, not tonight. Not anytime soon. Now please ... jus' ... stop tryin' ta' talk. Ya' really weak right now, ya' can't afford ta' keep talkin' so much."

 The ambulance arrived, just as Ronald began to have a seizure. "Ronnie ... please hang on. Don't ... ya' dare leave us like this!"


	12. I can't lose ya' too! (Trauma, severe.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, you may need to read this from my spin off.
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/4610142/chapters/10846367

Eric was never a man to smoke but he found himself on his 8th cigarette in a row, as he sat with his back pressed against the wall of the hospital parking lot. He could now understand why Alan would smoke when he was under stress. Stressed Eric was, with his partner on suicide watch and his best friend on the operating table, as he draw in more smoke, taking long drags.

 Ronald had suffered a closed head injury (one where the brain was not penitrated) caused by blunt force trauma. Claude had stated that it was properly caused by a crowbar. Ronald's slurred speech and jerking movements had been symptoms of brain trauma. As he was raced to the hospital, he had become unconscious and had been rushed in for neurosurgery, to try to remove the bleeding blood vessels and possible blood clots.

 His stab wound had not cut into any major organs, though his life still hung in the balance. His last word between his seizure ending and passing out was a broken 's - l - ut'. Eric hadn't a clue what he was referring to, though he planned to find out.

 Eric once again soothed himself by looking through pictures on his phone. He stumbled upon one that Ronald had sent him on Christmas day, of him wearing an ugly green sweater and grinning like a maniac. That smile of his always seemed to light up the room. He also recently had seemed to be able to understand Alan in ways Eric could not, having suffered a simular loss. For that, Eric had been grateful. He still wasn't sure if he would have gotten Alan to go to the hospital for stitches that day, if the cheeky blonde hadn't of been present.

 As he reached the end of his picture gallery, he stumbled upon two photographs. The first was of Ronald and Alan, the brunette looking panicked by Ronald's arm slung around his shoulder. Not that Ronald looked bothered, one of Claude's spliffs in hand.

 The last picture was from the first day of college. Before Eric had found Alan being beaten up, he had bumped into Ronald. He had completely forgotten about that encounter, being sure that he'd only met the other blonde at their first football game together. Now he could remember it quite vividly, as he'd walked into Ronald and nearly knocked the thinner man flying.

 He had looked up, feeling his pants grow tight at the handsome man. Oh how awkward a memory that was now, having had sex with his best mate after leaving Alan at the start of the second college year. The teenager hadn't noticed, instead smirking at him and stating "Take a picture if y' like wha' y' see, though undressin' me wi' y' eyes is fun too. Seriously, it'll last longer." He'd then snatched the phone from Eric's grip and snapped himself.

\----

 Hours had passed, Ronald still being in surgery. Visiting hours had begun and Eric went to see Claude. The elder was a mess, drying tears evident on his face. "Come on, buddy. Things will be alright." Eric said.

 "No, they will not! I have caused the death of the love of my life."

 "He's not dead! He won't die, he's a tough cookie, our Ronnie is."

 "I'm glad that you can be so hopeful. Don't you realise how serious a brain injury is?! He will probably end up brain dead or a vegetable at best."

 "Claude-."

 "And what sort of life would that be for him? He's usually so energetic, unable to move would surely crush him. And if he does recover somewhat, he will surely have some form of disability. Even if the surgery goes well and they manage to piece his broken knees caps back together, he will never be able to play football again. You know that that fact alone would make life unbearable for him."

 Eric sighed. He knew Claude was right about that, but still he had faith in his friend. "Ronald's stubborn. He will be fine."

 Claude ignored his words. "And if his body does somehow receive a miracle healing, the emotion scars will not heal. Not after ..."

 "After wha'? Wha' exactly did those bastards put our Ronnie through?"

 "It is none of your business. What happened was too awful to repeat. Give the boy some privacy."

 "Then answer me this. Before he blacked out, he said tha' word slut. What's tha' all 'bout?"

 "None-."

 "Was he raped too?" To be honest, Eric didn't want to know that answer but he needed to know if what Ronald had said was somehow relevant to what he had been through.

 Claude let out a shaky breath and Eric had his answer. "Bastards."

 Claude began to sniff. "It was so awful ... watching him being put through such hideous abuse."

 "Wha' tha' fuck? They made ya' watch?"

 "Of course they did."

 "Why?"

 With a glare at the other man, Claude stated. "I thought you had smarts. They did it ... to try to slut shame him. To try to turn me against him."

 "Shit ... that's fuckin' sick. Still though, it's Ronnie. He won't listen ta' them."

 "You do not understand in the slightest, do you? He will not just bounce back from this."

 "How can-."

 "Because this is not the first time something like that has happened to him. Not the first time he has been called such names. I ... wish not to speak about this anymore. I have ... let my love down in ways that can never be forgiven. I wasn't able to protect him."

 "Yeah well, neither was I. Seb told me ta' go home early, 'cause Alan was knocked out and I wouldn't. If I had of done, Ronnie probably wouldn't be in this mess."

 Claude laughed bitterly. "True but nothing can be undone. I ... even fought with him before he came back to the house. Asked him if he had any brain cells. How ironic is that? As if some higher power deemed my outburst to be not without comeuppance. Why he came back to that house, I do not know."

 "'Cause he loves ya' and always will. He'd fight for anyone he loves." Eric pulled his phone from his pocket. "I think you need ta' watch this video."

\----

 Eric had stayed in Claude's room for a while, talking fondly of Ronald and how brave he had been. He then went to visit Alan.

 Pushing the door open, he found Alan sitting in bed, a 24 hour guard present. "Can I speak to Alan alone, please?"

 The guard grunted. "Five minutes is all you get."

 Once he had left, Eric walked over to Alan's bed. "How ya' feeling?"

 "Better ... Thanks. The voices have gone ... again for now." He noticed the tears in Eric's eyes. "What is ... wrong?"

 Eric shook his head, his shoulders beginning to also shake, with upset. "Jus' promise me tha' you'll stick around. I can't lose y', Al. Can't bear to lose tha' people close ta' me." He bent down to kiss Alan longingly and then said. "I can't lose y'!"

 He had then decided to not yet tell Alan about Ronald, fearing for how it would affect his mental state. Plus, it would seem too real then. The desperate situation would really be upon them.

\----

*** Later that day***

 Claude entered the intensive care unit slowly, his back still in ruin. A choked sob left him, as he saw Ronald lying there, hair shaven and staples in his head.

 His face and head had swollen, a breathing tube in place. A feeling tube would soon be added. Machines beeped around the younger man, a catheter also in place. All sorts of wires were hooked up to him.

 The boy had fallen into a coma and the doctors were not hopeful of him awaking. The trauma to his brain had been too severe.

 Still, the surgery on his knees had taken place and his stab would tended to. His broken fingers were splinted and wrapped.

 Claude took his other hand in his own. "Ronald ... I told you to run. Why ... were you so eager in that video to sacrifice yourself?" He paused for a moment to sob, before speaking again. "You were so brave, my love. Not weak like me. Eric told me that you ... hadn't shed a tear. Such a brave little angel."


	13. Unit. (Guitar players and arson attacks.)

 Eric returned to the hospital after work. He would be spending most of his time visiting Alan or Claude, though the elder had been refusing bed rest, to stay at his partner's side.

 Eric knew that he'd have to visit Ronald too at some point, though he knew seeing the man in such a fragile state would break his heart.

 Ronald had been rushed in for a second surgery and was now unable to breath on his own at all. The breathing tube would now be constant and he'd also had a nasal feeding tube fitted.

 At the hospital, the doctor told him that Alan would be moved to the psychiatric unit, at the other side of the hospital tomorow. This was to keep him monitored and to try to evaluate him for treatment.

 He went to Alan's room and moved to sit on the edge of his bed. "How are ya' feelin'?"

 "The voices are back again ... but I'm okay. Did the doctor tell ... you about the unit?"

 "Yeah, he did. Didn't think you'd agree ta' it though."

 "I had to, Eric. I can't ... keep hurting you all the time. I ... need to at least ... learn to cope better with the voices ... even if I can't rid of them."

 "Y' learnt ta' deal wi' them before though."

 "I did. But ... I don't want them to gain the upper hand ... everytime something disturbs me. I need to learn to ... never listen to them."

 "Thank you."

 Alan frowned. "What for?"

 "For being brave enough to go back to a psych ward."

 "It's ... needed. Just ... don't let them pump me with drugs again."

 "I won't babe, I'll tell them tha' it never helped y' before."

 "If I give you ... the log in for the art commission website ... will you let the person I messaged recently know that ... the piece will be delayed?"

 "Sure."

 "I just hope .... that they won't be mad at me."

 Eric smiled. "They will understand, don't worry. I'll jus' tell them tha' ya' in the hospital right now."

 "Thank you."

\-----

 Eric finally decided to visit Ronald. Claude wasn't in the room when he entered and his eyes began to water as soon as they laid eyes on the once blonde man.

 Eric sat down next to him. He looked so fragile and Eric was unsure of whether to hold his hand. Eventually he did so gently. "I know tha' ya' can pull through this. I jus' hope ya' can hear me right now. We all need ya', Ronnie."

\----

 A few days later, Claude was released from the hospital. Baldroy had been arrested for grievous bodily harm and sexual assualt and the police were trying to find the other suspects.

 As Claude and Eric got to the door of their home, after visiting hours had finished, Eric saw a note at the bottom of the door. He picked it up.

  _We tried to deliver your parcel today. Mr Ronald Knox. 12.38pm. We were unable to post it through your letter box. Reason: Too large. It has been: Delivered to a neighbour's house. Number 29._

 "Ronnie has had a parcel delivered. Any idea wha' it was?"

 "Either a Joker action figure or his guitar."

 "Ronnie plays guitar?"

 "Yes. It was at his grandparents house but as his grandfather has just been placed in a home, it was sent here."

 "Ah. He didn't tell me tha'."

"No, he was too upset about the last member of his family being diagnosed with alzheimer's. His passing would have probably crushed him further."

 "Last member of his family? No aunts and uncles?"

 "He had one aunt and uncle."

 "Had?"

 "Arson attack."

 "Ah shit. It's so cool tha' he can play though."

 "Yes. He promised to leave me in awe with his playing." Claude entered the hallway. "But that doesn't matter anymore. Nothing really does."

\----

 A few hours later, Eric was cleaning the living room. As he moved the sofa to hover under it, he found Ronald's engagement ring.

 Claude came downstairs slowly a few moments later, ready to go back to the hospital. His back was still troubling him.

 "Found this." Eric said, moving over to him and opening his palm to show the ring.

 Claude's eyes began to glaze with tears. "Thank you."

 "I think ya' should give it back ta' him."

 "There is no point, as there will now be not a wedding."

 "There will be. Hang on." He pulled a necklace off, that he sometimes wore with the heart one he had brought himself. It had a small gold cross attached to it. "My nan said tha' this necklace had some sort of healin' power. Not like I believed it but." He slid the ring onto the thin chain. "I think Ronnie needs this more than me."

 "Thank ... you. That ... is very kind of you."

 That night, the necklace was wrapped around the railings at the top of Ronald's bed. Maybe the weak man would be able to draw some strength from the item.


	14. Punch. (Coma white.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love the song coma white by MM. Have been listening to it today.

 Eric went to Alan's room in the unit, which had shorter visiting hours than the usual hospital wards. Alan looked up as he entered. "Did ... you message that guy ... on the website?"

 "I did. He said ge' better soon. He's not pissed at all."

 "Yes ... he's a really nice man. He's brought quite a lot of art from me. He's ... got a whole bedroom filled with different art."

 "Ah yeah, I saw tha' on one of tha' earlier messages. Anyway, ya' still gotta' draw me, remember?"

 "I really have."

\----

 As the visiting hours came to an end, Alan asked. "Why haven't Ronnie ... and Claude come to visit? Are ... they scared of me now?"

 "Na babe. They jus' been busy. I'll make sure tha' Claude comes wi' me tomorow."

 "What about Ronnie?"

 "He's ... got plans wi' Adrian tomorow."

 "What about ... the day after?"

 Eric sighed. "Listen, Al. He ..."

 Just then, a staff member came in to inform Eric that visiting hours were now over. "I'll see ya' tomorow babe and I'll make sure Claude comes. I think Luna is meant ta' meet up wi' me here too."

 "He what? What ... about Ronnie?"

 "It don't matter. Bye." Eric walked out quickly. He wasn't quite sure how he was even going to tell Alan.

\---

 A week later, Eric walked into Alan's room. He winched when he saw a big purple bruise on Alan's cheek. "Al, wha' happened ta' ya' face?"

 "One of the patients here punched me. I ... don't feel safe here. I want ... to go home."

 "Al-."

 "Please ... it's making me paranoid. The voices ... keep making me think that someone here will kill me."

 "Tha' voices are back again?"

 "Yeah, the first time ... in a few days. Started ... just after I was ... punch. Can I please just ... sign myself out of here?"

 "Well I can't really stop ya', Al. Jus' make sure tha' ya' really wanna' leave. Ya' still need help."

 "I do ... want to. It was a voluntary admission ... anyway."

 "True. Ya' ain't had any more violent outbursts so they shouldn't try and stop ya'."

 "Yeah, I'll ask the nurse for the discharge papers when she comes in. Now tell me why ... Ronnie hasn't come to see me."

 Eric felt his heart sink.

\----

 Telling Alan had been awful, the small man crying for over an hour. Eric was back home in the kitchen now, filling in an application for a pharmaceutical course at university, when he heard Ronald's phone ring.

 He looked at the caller ID, to see the name Darren appear. He answered, though he didn't know who this man was. "Hey mate. We're havin' a lil' friendly soccer match in a while, ye' wanna' come along?"

 "Ronnie isn't here right now."

 "Ah, I see. Who be this then?"

 "Eric. A friend."

 "Ah well, when he gets back, pass the message along."

 "I can't, sorry. He's in the hospital."

 "Eh. Is the lad alright?"

 "No. He was beaten up by some thugs. Can't really say anymore than tha'. It's private."

 "Ah. There be so many gangs in these parts. Had a run in wi' a fair few myself."

 Eric thought for a moment. Maybe he knew of the people who had injured Ronald? "Ya' wouldn't happen ta' know a thug called Joker, would ya'?"

 "Joker?"

 "Yeah. He was tha' main one ta' hurt him."  
There was a pause and then Eric heard Darren speak to someone on the other end.

 "Oi Betty, ge' ya' arise over here. There's somethin' I need ta' know."  
\---

 Betty had finally told the police about what had happened or at least what Joker had told her. It had been hard to do so, as she loved Joker to the ends of the earth. Darren was right though, it was the moral thing to do.

 Joker had then been arrested, as had Agni. For assault and attempted murder. It had come to light that Joker had been the one to strike Ronald with the crow bar.

 Lau and Ran-Mao had disappeared. Those two were extremely good as hiding.

\----

 Claude quickly returned to work, even though Eric had told him that he needed proper rest. He was currently in Ronald's room, holding his hand. There had been no improvement and it was doubtful there ever would be.  
He felt a few tears run down his cheeks, as he listened to the life support machine beeping next to him. "Oh, my sweet Ronald."

 Eric came in then. "How's it goin'?"

 "Same as usual."

 Eric moved closer to the bed. "Ronnie, if ya' can hear me, keep fightin' mate. I know ya' will be jus' fine."

 "Stop with false hopes. He isn't going to ever wake up! I ... I'm going to lose him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now you know that the title of this series part is about Ronnie and Claude, not elan. Claude's words are the title ;)
> 
> Next chap will be called. 'Turning off life support.'


	15. Taken by force. (Switching off life support machines and snorting coke with Hannah Annafellows.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter took 30 mins for 1300 words. Mainly because I knew exactly what I wanted for this chapter. I think I succeeded in what I wanted to convey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I thought that as Ronald wasn't a reaper, he'd have bright blue eyes. No glasses either.

How could one describe Ronald's eyes? No words could do their beauty justice. They were blue but no ordinary blue. Not like the sky or paint flecks on Alan's soft hands. Not a flowery blue but blue like the ocean, like the rarest glazier. Claude was captivated by them and he could almost hear the waves crashing on the shore and see foam flicking into the air. Smell the salt and feel the breeze of Atlantic oceans.

 Still, they held no coldness. They drawed a person in and kept them focused solely on him. They always shone brightly and would light up repeatedly, grin appearing to match his happiness.

 To say his eyes were blue would be to state that the sun was yellow. Accurate but doing no justice to their intense nature. Claude would place his reading glasses on the younger man at times, just to see the beauty magnified.

 Claude had never believed the phase seeing into the soul through a person eyes before he had met Ronald. Now he believed it and though he wasn't a betting man, he was sure that it was an infinity to one chance that Ronald's eyes were the most beautiful orbs in existence.

 He'd do anything to just see their magnificence one more time. For Ronald to open his eyes and beam, eyes glinting like crystals. Sadly, this was not to be.

\----

 It had been three months since the senseless violence and Ronald was still in a deep coma. This bones had healed well but his brain was still beyond repair.

 He'd been visited by everyone during that time. From Luna to Grell and even Angelina. Everyone hoped and wondered about if Ronald could hear what they were saying. If he could feel their touches of comfort, hoping to send some of their strength to the man.

 Alan had only visited once, as he had collapsed into floods of tears and tremours. It broke him to see his closest friend being practically dead; without the life support he would have passed months ago.

 In himself, Alan was doing slightly better since his release the day after being punched. The voices would come and go and he hadn't had anymore outbursts that had ended in knife violence or punches too sharp.

 Claude came home on the first day of the thirteenth week and sat in the living room, lighting up. "Next week, Ronald's life support machine is being switched off." Eric dropped his phone and Alan stared at him.

 "Wha'? Why?"

 "His brain activity has not increased."

 "So ya' jus' givin' up on him?"

 "There is nothing else that can be done. I am his next of kin and I have decided that it is for the best."

 "But it ain't! Ya' can't jus' decide tha'!"

 "I can and I have. I wish him to not suffer anymore. At least then he will be with his family."

 "But-."

 "But bloody nothing! He was always such a hyperactive boy. To see him lying there like a mannequin is just unnatural and it's now too much to bear."

 "Alan, back me up on this."

 Alan looked between his two friends. "Maybe it would be for ... the best."

 "Oh, Al. Not ya' too."

 "He's ... been through enough. He ... deserves some peace."

 Eric gritted his teeth. "Wha' tha' fuck is wrong with ya' two? Some fuckin' friend ya' are." He pointed a shaking finger at Claude. "And ya' ... ya' call ya'self his lover, when ya' jus' givin' up on him!"

 "I have made peace with the fact that Ronald will not be returning to us. You should do the same." With that he left.

 Eric threw the remote control across the room. "He's not gunna' fuckin' die!"

 "Eric-."

 "He's tougher than this shit! I can't ... lose my best bud. I can't ... lose Ronnie. Not now, not like this. Not bein' taken by force."

 "It is for ... the best."

\-----

 The next day, Ronald's feeding tube was removed and the day before life support was going to be switched off, IV fluids stopped. Everyone went to say their last goodbyes, apart from Claude, Alan and Eric. No, they would be there when the ventilator was switched off and Ronald's heart ceased to beat.

 The night before, Claude went to visit him alone. He kissed his now healed hand and slid the engagement ring back onto his finger. "Everyone who I love always ends up hurt. I'm so sorry that I couldn't protect you but I promise that I will be at your side in your final moments.

 He left to go to a house, which he normally didn't venture into. The home of his friend and drug dealer, Hannah Annafellows. Lavander hair and light brown skin, she'd been a friend for many years. One in which Claude only visited properly when something had turned his world upside down.

 "So why are ya' here?" She asked, as they sat in the living room smoking pot. "Last time ya' came inside, Sebastian had almost been killed."

 "My partner is on life support. The machine's are being switched off tomorow."

 "Ah ... that's painful but I do have somethin' that will help." A packet of cocaine was slid across the table towards him.

 "No thank you. I do not want to enter work in a state like before, I almost got fired. I have a family to support, I have to stay employed."

 "Oh. You and your girl had a child together? That's even sadder."

 "No. You know that I am gay. I do not enjoy the feel of a woman."

 "And yet you enjoyed the feel of me."

 Claude took a long drag. "Being high on Heroin does not solidify that fact. Jumping on me when you were also high does not mean I enjoyed it."

"Yeah, sorry about that. That was a pretty messed up night, after you left Sebastian and all. So did you adopt?"

 "No, but I am the eldest of four males. As such, I feel I am responsible for them. Getting fired for being drugged to high heaven will not keep a roof above my families heads."

 "Yeah but that was from Crystal Meth."

 "And thank the Lord that it was a one off. I'm relieved that I did not get addicted to that awful substance."

 "Weed all around then. So this guy of yours, do you love him?"

 Claude sighed sadly. "With all of my heart. He is the most beautiful boy in existence."

 "Well come and show us a pic then."  
The man flicked through the gallery on his iPhone and showed her a picture of Ronald and himself smiling happily."

 "He really is beautiful. Nice eyes too."

 "Indeed."

 "Take the coke anyway. You're a friend, so I won't charge this time. If you don't use it, that's fine too. I ain't really bothered."

 Claude popped the packet in his pocket. "Thank you. I must be going now, though I doubt I will sleep tonight."

 "Alright. Good ... luck for tomorrow." She showed the man she had always secretly loved out of the house.

\---

 Claude returned home and went to his bedroom. He eyed the packet, before deciding that this once, he would use it. It was the only escape he had. He parted the powder into neat lines, as he phoned Ronald's phone, to hear the voice mail recording. The coke was snorted up quickly.

_Hey, this is the ronstar. I'm either eating nachos and can't talk right now or I'm banging y' partner. And yep, I'm a better fuck than y'. Peace out dudes and dudets._

 The phone then rung, a call from the hospital alerting Claude to news he would never have been ready for. News that made him shake in dismay and made his heart shatter from a hundred shards to a thousand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About to cry just thinking about the next chap. Will be up in 1-2 hours.


	16. Drawing you while we still have time left. (If you told me to die for you, I would. Take a look at my face, there no price I won't pay, to say these words to you.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm a big bon Jovi fan. 
> 
> Transistance and c.c, I'm so sorry for this chapter. 
> 
> Sobs aplenty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in italic. Also song lyrics in italics for the first portion.

Eyes having been describe with understatement, one could now focus on his voice.

 Deep but not too deep, rising in pitch whenever the young man got excited. He never spoke in monotone like his tiny friend. There was always striking emotion there. Be it shaky from upset and hoarse after laughing too much.

 That voice could melt Claude into a puddle, especially when he breathed the husky words "Come ta' bed, babe."

 Still, the older man found his partner's voice somewhat elegant, even when it was laced with slang. Too many 'tha' 'ain't' 'na' and 'wha's' set the foundation for the language he used but that didn't matter. It was perfect none the less.

 He was an amazing singer too, though Claude never really heard him sing. It was a treat for the ears whenever he did.

_This Romeo is bleeding_  
_But you can't see his blood_  
_It's nothing but some feelings_  
_That this old dog kicked up_  
_It's been raining since you left me_  
_Now I'm drowning in the flood_  
_You see I've always been a fighter_  
_But without you I give up_  
_Now I can't sing a love song_  
_Like the way it's meant to be_  
_Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore_  
_But, baby, that's just me_  
_And I will love you, baby, always_  
_And I'll be there forever and a day, always_  
_I'll be there 'til the stars don't shine_  
_'Til the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme_  
_And I know when I die,_  
_You'll be on my mind_  
_And I'll love you always_

 Ronald sang that song with a smile on his face and sincerity wrapped around those words. Once the singing stopped, he had spoken words Claude would always remember. "If ya' told me ta' die for ya', I would. Take a look at my face, there's no price I won't pay." And die he was prepared to do.

 Yes, Ronald enjoyed his rock ballads, mainly from Bon Jovi and Aerosmith.

_Lying close to you feeling your heart beating_  
_And I'm wondering what you're dreaming,_  
_Wondering if it's me you're seeing_  
_Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together_  
_And I just wanna stay with you_  
_In this moment forever, forever and ever_  
_I don't wanna close my eyes_  
_I don't wanna fall asleep_  
_'Cause I'd miss you, baby_  
_And I don't wanna miss a thing_

Claude would always dream of Ronald, every night. Now his dreams had morphed into nightmares; terrors while asleep and now while living an everyday life. Lying in a cold and lonely bed; a life without his sweetheart.

_\----_

 The previous day, Alan turned to Eric. "It's time to draw you. Can ... you get naked for me?"

 "Erm ... ya' sure?"

 "I am. I want to ... capture every part of your rugged beauty. I want ... to do this. We ... are so lucky to have ... so much time left together. I don't want ... to waste another moment. Some ... people are not so lucky."

 ----

 With a shaking breath and clenched fists, Claude entered Ronald's room. He could have never imagined a sight so hard to see. Those shattered shards; A thousand had now become uncountable.

 His love was awake now, though he couldn't communicate. The doctors had stated that he was now in a vegative state. Sleep - wake cycles had returned and he would now probably be able to smile and cry. Eye movements were a sign of this state, as well as being unable to follow instructions.

 Claude had fallen to his knees at hearing the v word. It was one of his worst fears. A nightmare now in a state not of the dream land.

 Ronald was lying in bed, his body jerking and shaking beyond his control. Small whimpering sounds and gasps were slipping from him and when Claude headed to the bed, Ronald stared at him.

 The older bent over the edge of the bed, wiping his tears away and then the drool running from the corners of his mouth. More tears soon followed, a loud whimper being heard. "Oh, my dear Ronald. I am so sorry. I ... I don't even know if you can understand me but ... I am just so fucking sorry." Claude never swore but this situation was dire. To him, Ronald's fate was a fate worse than death.

  _Of course I can fucking understand y'. I have brain cells, even if you probably think I'm fuckin' thick now. I just ... can't fucking move!_

"I wish I knew how to comfort you."

_Fuckin' give me a hug. I ... just want you to hold me. I ... can't feel safe without y' warmth. I wish I could tell y'. I would ... if my body wasn't fucked! Say something again! Do something ... at least tell me that y' love me. At least ... if you did that ... my sacrifice would have been worth it._

 Claude began to cry. "I'm sorry Ronald, I cannot see you in this condition." He left swiftly.

 _"No ... no. Please ... don't go! Y' promised me that y' would never leave me."_ Ronald's tears fell harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I said Ronald would die, you should never take my words for truth. You know who I'm talking to. 
> 
> Research for this chap: types of coma and veg state.


	17. A touch so tender. (Jolting towards a cuddle.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst!
> 
> Ng tube - nasal feeding tube.  
> Tbi - traumatic brain injury. 
> 
> A love song Like it's meant to be - song lyrics from the bj song in the last chap.

 Ronald's favorite activities were ordered. One being eating. That boy could eat for England. Favorite foods included sweets and cheese. Copious amounts of cheese, which Eric had commented on. "Ya' sure ya' not half dormouse?"

 Second was football. The third was a tricky one to place. It would change. Sex or singing. Sex? No, singing cleanses the soul. Singing? No, sex feels just too darn good.

 Claude had had the pleasure of meeting Ronald's grandfather before he was sent into care, at his father's wake. His love for musical instruments had rubbed off on Ronald. He was also a chilled dude, smoking more pot than Claude could in a week in a single day, way in his sixties. One could state that he was epitome of a hippy.

\------

The following day.

 Claude returned to the hospital, to find that the nasal feeding tube was back in place. Ronald's tremours had improved slightly over night, though it would soon come to pass that they would become much worse.

 Ronald was still crying, to the extent that his breath was raspy and shaky. Claude sat down on the edge of the bed. "I apologise for my behaviour yesterday. I should not have left you alone like that. I hate to admit it but ... I was in shock. I'll never leave your side again."

_Thank you ... that's all I wanted to hear. Now ... will y' tell me that y' still love me? Please ... I need to hear it._

 As If by magic, Claude ran his hand softly over the man's stomach and stated "Please remember that I will always love you, no matter what. Come hell or high water, I will never lose this love. It's too intense and will burn brightly through this dark tunnel, lighting the way to happier times."

_Ah fuck ... not more fuckin' crying. I ... I'm so relieved that ... you still do. I love you too! If only ... I could talk, I'd sing you a love song ... like the way it's meant to be._

 "And happy birthday, Ronald. No, I didn't forget. I could never forget the day in which someone who I regard as an angel appeared on earth. Nineteen already. Time sure files when your heart is busy loving another."

_Come again? It's almost the end of summer already? I ... was out for three fuckin' months?! See ... I do have brain cells. Can remember months and numbers and shizzle._

\---

 A month on and Ronald had made little improvement. Still, his visits were endless. Luna, Alan and Eric all came along with Claude to show their support.

 Alisha even brought her new boyfriend along, a man in his early twenties, though he looked not a day over seventeen. Red clips in his hair and eyes that glinted magically just like Ronald's, his name was Finnian or Finny for short. No, not because he had suddenly sprouted fins and gills, morphing into a fish.

 It was just a nice nickname. He was a landscape gardner and would visit the blonde with Alisha. The pictures of the finished gardens that he showed to Ronald had made him smile.

 Inpatient recover had begun. A team of staff dedicated to tbi would gather once a week to discuss the progress in Ronald's condition.

 The leading doctor was in charge of monitoring mood, sleep, nutrition and pain. Ronald barely slept now and his moods would slide from one extreme to the other. Crying one moment, smiling brightly the next. No medication had been given yet, as he wanted to see if things would improve on their own.

 The rehabilitation nurse assessed Ronald's bladder function and nutrition, as well as mobility. Ronald still couldn't move and his bladder had been retaining fluid. Catheters became a grim norm.

 The psychical therapist would over see any improvements in mobility. In the future, it was hoped that he would be able to improve Ronald's strength, mobility and endurance.

 Ronald was assessed by the occupational therapist for any visual problems. His vision was still twenty: twenty. He also recommended equipment that would be needed if Ronald ever returned home. It was unlikely at this moment.

 The speech therapist looked into Ronald's ability to speak and swallow. He could do neither. In time, she hoped to give Ronald exercises to strengthen the muscles used in speech and swallowing. She also had a hand in deciding the types of food used in the ng tube.

\----

 In that month, Alan and Eric had grown closer. It seemed as if some of Ronald's sex drive had rubbed off on Alan. Though it was mainly because he loved Eric so much and loved his gentle touches.

 He was current pinned under the bear of a man, his hand pumping him. Alan gasped and moaned, back arching and fingers digging into the man's bare back. Eric slid down his clothed form, licking over him. "Hmm ... Eric."

 With a few more motions of his mouth around the smaller man, Alan came, his love's name being shouted to the heavens.

 Alan had never known a touch so tender, filled with so much love that it sent shivers down his spine.

\-----

 The second month held improvements. Ronald could now move his neck and arms and once moved into a sitting position, could sustain it.

 His jerking motions were still severe and the doctors were considering medication to help with that. Maybe Procyclidine, a drug normally used to combat the shakes caused by Olanzapine.

 Claude stood up to leave the room, when he felt a sharp tugging on the back of his trousers. Turning around, he saw Ronald open his mouth to try to say something.

 Failing that, he tugged again, before jerking against the material and tugging once more.

 "Yes, Ronald?"

 Ronald patted the bed violently next to him, a whine leaving him. "I have to go to work."

 "Nnn."

 "Okay. Very well then." Ronald opened his shaking arms and smiled sadly, a few tears sliding down pale cheeks. "You wish for a cuddle?"

 Ronald nodded quickly, before his head jolted back sharply and he whimpered.

 Claude sat back down, pulling him carefully into his arms. Ronald nuzzled the side of his face without the ng tube against Claude's shoulder. "As lovable as ever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Medical research used: brain injury and acute impatient rehabilitation. 
> 
> Plus my own drug knowledge from working in a pharmacy. 
> 
> Next chap will be mainly medical. May be a hard read.


	18. I'm ready. (My first love was a disgraced Asian prince, forced to take refuge in London.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And if things weren't screwed up enough ... c.c sorry honey.

 Claude could recall every time he had heard Ronald sing. It had been ten in total and he remembered every detail. Every lyric.

_I ruled the world._   
_With these hands I shook the heavens to the ground._   
_I laid the gods to rest._   
_I held the key to the kingdom._   
_Lions guarding castle walls._   
_Hail the king of death._   
_Then I lost it all_   
_Dead and broken._   
_My back's against the wall._   
_Cut me open._   
_I'm just trying to breathe,_   
_Just trying to figure it out_   
_Because I built these walls to watch them crumbling down._   
_I said, "Then I lost it all."_   
_And who can save me now?_

 Ronald really had lost everything and though he wasn't dead, he was broken in every way possible. He had been cut open and had struggled to breathe. And who could save him? Claude didn't know, though he hoped he would be the boy's shining light, a beacon to self recovery.

****Ronald's past.***

 Six months after losing his sister and almost two years since the assualt at school, Ronald found himself in a home he knew well.  
He was on the floor, pretty drunk and high. Coke was left abandoned on the coffee table, packets of pills strewn across the floor.

 The drugs were taking effect, just as planned. Taking away the pain of such a crippling loss. He'd been doing this for the past few months, skipping school and worrying his father sick.

 He looked up to see a girl above him, grinding down hard onto him. He turned his head, a member being placed in his mouth. His body tensed, as the condom around him was filled.

 The just turned fifteen year old then found himself on his stomach, a man deep inside him. He couldn't remember his name. Sofa? Soka? Soma? He didn't have a clue. Nor would he probably remember anything of this night, when the sickening come down from a mix of Weed and Cocaine would make his body tremble and his mood plummet.

 He began to feel dizzy, as he heard the Asian man speaking. "Ronald? Are ... you feeling okay? You have become all pale."

 That's when a seizure occurred, years before his brain injury, caused by a bad batch of ecstasy.

****Present****

 Ronald jolted awake from the first sleep he had gotten in the past two weeks. His body began to tremble almost instantly.  
_Who the fuck were those people? I ... guess Joker was right. I really am nothing but ... a cheap tart. A scummy man whore._

\----

 Three months after Ronald had woken up and he'd made no progress from the previous month. That was not a good sign, as a tbi patient would usually make the most progress in the first six months after their injury. Within two years, one could expect their current condition to be as it would always be, with just mild improvements as the years dragged on.

 Alan turned to Eric in their bedroom. "What's ... wrong?"

 Eric was eyeing the nude drawing of himself. "I think ya' got tha' proportions wrong on my dick. No way am I THAT small."

 Alan blushed slightly. "No, you're ... not small at all. It's ... because you're ... 6"4 and like 220lb. It just looks small in comparison."

 "Hmm ... i dunno'."

 "Then slide it in me and ... I'll soon tell you if it's big."

 He dropped his soda bottle and stared at him. "Ya' wha' now?"

 "Eric ... I've been thinking ... that I want us to ... make love."

"Ya' still not rea-."

 "Yes I am. It's been ... almost a year and a half since Jacob."

 "O...okay." Eric smirked at him. "Didnt have ta' ask in such a dirty way though."

 "Maybe I thought ... it sounded seductive. So can we?"

 "Now?"

 "Now."

 "Want me ta' shut tha' curtains?"

 "Most of the way ... just like the last time we tried. And I'm keeping my jumper on."

 "Yeah ... sounds good."

\----

 An hour later, Eric slid the third finger inside his love, the smaller man panting and gasping from under him. He'd spent that long on slow kisses and strokes up Alan's sides.

 "Hmm ... Eric. Come ... on."

 "Ya' sure?"

 "I've never been so sure in all ... my life about something."

 "Gotcha'."

 Eric lubed himself up and lined himself with Alan's entrance, looking for any signs of panic in Alan's eyes. There was none. "Eric ... wait."

 "Sure. What's ... up?"

 "Can I be on top? I mean ... I want you to- but can I be ontop of you?"

 "Of course ya' can. Wha' ever ya' want, babe." He flashed Alan a small smile, before they switched positions.

 Alan lined himself above Eric, before sinking down slowly onto him, as the blonde held his hips firmly. He heard a gasp and looked up to see Alan's eyes glinting with tears. "Al ... are ya' alright?"

 -----

 "Nnn. Nu!" Small sounds slipped from Ronald's mouth, as his muscles cramped and spasmed painfully. "N! N!"

 Claude held him gently, feeling his body jerk against his embrace. "Please try to calm yourself. We do not want you to be sick from upset again."

 He remembered back to a week ago, when Ronald looked to be screaming, with no sounds coming from him. He'd then been sick and choked, his body shaking too badly for him to be able to cough it out and without being able to swallow, the contents of his stomach had stuck in his throat.

 He'd had to roll the jerking boy onto his side and rush to get medical aid.

 The boy continued to cry and jolt around. "Don't worry, Ronald. They will find the correct medication to stop these tremours soon."

 As much as he didn't want to, he had to leave. He'd an appointment with the doctor. There was about to be a change in the Faustus household.


	19. Make love to me. I know you'll be gentle. (Grand Mal. Ecstacy nearly killed him.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last Ronnie bit gives me chills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iris by the goo goo dolls.

 The third time Claude had heard Ronald sing was in the shower.  
_And all I can taste is this moment_  
_And all I can breathe is your life_  
_When sooner or later it's over_  
_I just don't wanna miss you tonight_  
_And I don't want the world to see me_  
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_  
_When everything's made to be broken_  
_I just want you to know who I am_  
_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_  
_Or the moment of truth in your lies_  
_When everything feels like the movies_  
_Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive_

 Those lyrics always seemed so deep, rooted into Ronald's past in many ways, into his very soul. He couldn't tell if Ronald was really the cheeky chap he presented himself as or the sensitive boy who lacked any self confidence. Maybe he was both. No one but Ronald knew for sure.

***Ronald's past.***

 The day before Ronald's fifteenth birthday, he had skipped school and was now hanging around a canal, three miles from his home.

 An Asian man approached him, looking to be in his late teens to early twenties. "Wow. You are absolutely beautiful."

 Ronald turned around, a cigarette in his hand. "Thanks."

 "How old are you?"

 Ronald eyed him for a moment, before speaking. "17."

 "Oh." The man grabbed Ronald's hand. "Would you please come back to my house? I think you are stunning."

 "Sure." Really, what did he have to lose?

\----

 This Asian man had a large house and many friends, many of which were into heavy drugs. Ronald began to dabble. First Weed and Cocaine and then Lsd and Heroin. His almost fatal mistake was those ecstasy tablets, mixed with other damaging chemicals.

 He had lost his memories of that time. Of his seizures and of being taken to a drug rehab clinic. His mind was a blank from when Rachel had died to a few days before he stated college.

 Still, he was beginning to remember.

\----

*elan*

 Alan didn't answer him, so Eric asked "What's up, babe? Ya' look upset."

 "It ... hurts." Alan stated, once he had sunk down completely around Eric.

 "Then we should stop ... I don't wanna' hurt ya'."

 "No ... no, it's okay. Let me ... get used to it. You're ... just really big."

 The blonde smirked at him. "Why thank you. Glad ya' think so."

 Alan glided his palms over Eric's concrete chest. "And you look so hunky ... have you been working out?"

 "Yeah. After work, makes for good stress relief."

 "I know what ... else is good for stress." Alan stated, before blushing. He waited for a few moments, shifting around to try to adjust. "Okay ... I think I'm ready."

 "Alright. I'll let ya' start movin' first though." Alan begin to rock on top of him and Eric gripped his hips harder, a loud moan already being dragged from him. "Ah ... fuck, Al. Ya' so fuckin' tight."

 "Why thank you." Eric chuckled and then moaned again, as Alan picked up speed. "Hmm ... Eric. It's ... starting to feel ... so good. Can you-?"

 "Yeah. I'll be real gentle, okay?"

 "I know ... you will. You always are with other ... adult things."

 "I got ... an idea actually."

\---

 A minute later, Eric was sat with his back against the head board, Alan rocking against him, arms wrapped around his neck for support. Eric's one hand was placed on Alan's hip, the other flat to the space between his shoulder blades. He still couldn't believe how tight and warm Alan was.

 He bucked his hips up softly into the smaller man and Alan leaned his head on Eric's shoulder, sweat coating his brow as he began to groan in pleasure. Eric picked up speed, pressing into Alan's spot. "Ah ... oh ... s ... shit."

 "Ya' feel ... amazin', babe."

 "So ... do you. Hmm ... never ... oh ... felt like this before. Hmm I ... love you ... Eric."

 "I love ya' too."

 He continued to thrust up into him, Alan panting against his shoulder. " I'm ... close ... already." Eric pulled him closer with his one hand, other sliding from his hip to stroke him. "Ah ... oh ... Eric ... can you?"

 Eric began to pump him, still keeping up with his tender motions. "I ... ah-." Alan came within a few moments, his muscles tightening around Eric.

 The blonde grunted in pleasure. "Al ... can I ... ah ... go a bit harder?"

 "Okay ... sure."

 He did, his stomach tightening as he held Alan's hip again and sunk in as deep as he could. After a minute or so, he released into Alan, arms moving to pull him into a tight hug. Alan stayed there for a while, panting softly, before he shifted to sit next to Eric.

 "That ... was so nice."

 "I'm glad ya' liked it. Sure ya' ... erm, tha' ya' feelin' okay?"

 "I am. Can we go again?"

 "Hell yeah."

 "I love you ... Eric."

 "Love ya' too."

 "I understand now ... why Ronnie liked love ... making so much."

 Eric let out a shaky breath. "Ronnie ..."

\----

 As Claude left the room, he made sure to turn Ronald on his side. One could never be too careful. It was now time for changing over of the nurse's shifts and his room was not being checked on for ten minutes.

  _I don't feel so good. Feel all funny, all-._ That's when his first seizure since his attack began. His muscles tightened and then relaxed at an astonishing pace. It seemed to last for hours, when in fact it only lasted for just over two minutes. He was sick again, the liquid seeping out of his mouth and down the side of his cheek. Then he felt something wet running down his legs, as his seizure finished.

  _You ... have got to be kidding ... me. My body is ... completely fucked. Why ... did Claude leave ... me and this ... have to happen?_ His thoughts lingered on Claude for a moment, before he lost consciousness.


	20. Claude, why did you give him weed? /Hormonal imbalances.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric and Alan smut and angst in next chap. This is mainly medical based around Ronald.

Ronald had always had an extremely high sex drive, for as long as Claude had known him. They'd normally have 2-3 sessions in the morning, 1-2 before dinner and 2-3 once in bed at night.  


 Claude was the same when he was Ronald's age, having begun to have sex with other men at the age of fifteen. His first conquest was a Mr Grey. From then on, he would sleep around, just as a way to get to his cruelly strict father. When the man had found out however, it had not gone well.  


 Now, Claude was beginning to wonder if he was getting old. Christmas was now here and the two were having rough sex on the sofa, Eric and Alan at Eric's. Recently, Ronald had dragged him to various locations to be intimate. A park bench, inside a ferris wheel and behind the hedge at the front of the garden.  


 Claude felt extra tired today and ached all over, as he pounded into Ronald, who moaned loudly. He then winched and Claude pulled out. "Ronald, you're bleeding."  


 "Ah it's cool, babe! Jus' carry on."  


 "We should really stop for tonight. We have been going at it like rabbits for the past five days." They had. Weed, sex, sleep, food for Ronnie and then more sex.  


 "Aww but babe, I'm so horny! Jus' another hour, please!?"  


"No, I'm exhausted. I've had enough for tonight."  


 Ronald scowled at him, shoving him off of the sofa. "Fine. Lied 'bout wantin' me then obviously." He then stormed upstairs.  


 Claude walked into the bedroom an hour later, once he was sure that Ronald had calmed, to find him with a sex toy pressed deeply into him, hand jerking himself roughly. 

 He was moaning hoarsely, his voice cracking from the amount of orgasms he'd screamed through. "Ronald, don't you think that is enough for tonight?"  


 "No! Gah ... I jus' ain't gettin' satisfied recently. No matter how much we do it. It's pissin' me off." He pumped himself harder, his head falling back into the covers.  


 "Probably because you've been overusing your penis. Just take a night off."  


 "I fuckin' can't! Fuckin' hormones must be all over tha' place." He came, tired muscles twitching.  


 He slid the toy back in and out and Claude grabbed his hand and moved it away. He pulled the toy out and grimaced. "Ronald, you need a break. You're bleeding quite badly."  


 "Don't y' fuckin' ge' it?" I can't stop!" He began to cry. "I don't know wha' tha' fuck is wrong wi' me at tha' mo'."  


 "Neither do I. You've been masterbating more than usual recently. Let's just get you cleaned up."  


 "Nnn. Jus' one more."  


 "No!"  


 "Fuck y'!" Ronald rolled over in bed, crying more.  


 That odd behaviour had only been severe for a month or so but Claude was about to find out the grim cause.  


***Present.***  


 "Right this way." Nurse Midford took Claude down the hallway to the doctor's office and opened the door for him. "Dr Underline is ready to see you."  


"It's Abberline!"  


The nurse giggled. "I'm sorry Dr un- Abberline." She turned to Claude. "Isn't he just adorable when he gets all worked up like that?"  


 Claude didn't reply, instead walking into the room. "Please take a seat." The Dr said and Claude complied.  


 "As you know, I have come here to obtain Ronald's discharge papers."  


 The Dr eyed him. "Yes, I am aware of that and we will discuss that matter in due course. However, something troubling has come to light."  


 "And that would be?"  


 "You know that the nhs spine was hacked over in the Birmingham area and Ronald's previous medical files deleted, along with a million others?"  


 "Yes I am aware of that. What is your point?"  


 "We have finally managed to retrieve them, after all these months and though not complete, I have finished studying them."  


 "Please just tell me what you have found."  


 The Dr learned forward on his chair. "Were you aware that Mr Knox has epilepsy?"  


 "What? No. He only had one seizure, do not be ludicrous."  


 "Let me explain briefly what the files state. When he was fifthteen, he suffered a seizure caused by a illegal drug contaminated with other harmful substances."  


Claude frowned. "Oh."  


 "It also states that he was in a coma for two weeks following the incident. That he sustained brain damage. It does not say if it was caused by the seizure itself or by the drugs. After which, he was diagnosed with epilepsy due to the brain damage. He suffered from many seizures for a few months following his coma."  


 Claude just looked at him. But he hadn't ever shown signs of epilepsy or brain damage in the past.  


 "It also notes change in behaviour and abuse of drugs, which had a negative impact on his condition. Due to this, his parents sent him to a drug rehabilitation centre."  


 "Don't be foolish. If that is so, why has he never mentioned that to me?"  


 "It says in the file that his epilepsy went into spontaneous remission. It is uncommon but not unheard of. It also states that he has no memory of anything between his sister's death and starting college. That is where the file ends and must have been hacked shortly after."  


 "Do not be moronic. Surely if he had brain damage, I would have noticed back then and he has shown no signs of epilepsy before."  


 "Then please take a look at this video." Claude frowned at him, before standing up to look at the computer scene from behind the Dr. "I must warn you that this may be distressing."  


_The video buffered, before a video of a living room popped up on the screen. Claude immediately recognised the two men. Ronald's father and grandfather. His grandfather moved in front of the sofa and Claude's heart sank. Ronald was on the living room floor seizing._  


_His grandfather moved onto the floor, to pull a book from under Ronald, before rolling him onto his side. "He tends to be sick a lot during these fits." The camera moved closer. "As you can probably hear, he is grinding his teeth."_  


_"This is his fourth seizure so far today. He usually only has 2-3 in twenty four hours. They also seem to be lasting longer than the usual 1-2 minutes." Ronald's father said from behind the camera._  


_His grandfather placed a t-shirt under the boys head, as he convulsed, gurgling sounds coming from his mouth. "He also loses control of his bladder on most occasions." He rubbed Ronald's back. "It's goin' ta' be all right, Ronnie. Jus' keep breathin', okay? You're doin' fine. How long has he been fitting for now?"_  


_"Four minutes. Another and I shall phone 999." At that moment, Ronald stopped seizing, a dazed look on his face; before he got onto his knees. "No, Ronald. Don't try to stand up yet."_  


_It was too late, as soon as the boy stood up, a small scream left him and he collapsed again. "That's it. Two in a row? I'm calling an ambulance."_  


_The video flashed to Ronald's bedroom and the boy drifting in and out of consciousness. "These are the type of seizures he has 60% of the time. The rest are Grand Mals." His grandfather wiped his chin. "As you can see, he drools a lot in this type and his eyes are rolled back in his head."_  


_Ronald woke again then, looking confused. " wha' ? wha' tha' fuck is goin' on?"_  


_"You've just had another episode, petal." His grandfather said. Ronald began to sob and was pulled into a hug. "He always gets really emotional after these seizures. It's alright, my dear boy."_  


_"I don't ... wanna' fuckin' live like this anymore!"_  


_"Come now, don' say tha'. How's about once ya' feelin' better, we go play guitar?"_  


_"I don't fuckin' wanna'!"_  


_"Ya' will later." The video stopped then._  


 "Why an earth would they film that?" Claude asked, feeling a bit disgruntled.  


 "It's so the doctor who was assessing him could see in detail his epilepsy symptoms. It helps to find the right medication." The doctor stated. "And if you want to know what a Grand Mal is, it's also known as tonic - clonic seizure, where a person may have violent muscle contractions and lose consciousness. It is caused by abnormal electrical activity in parts of the brain. As for the scream, it's caused by throat muscles seizing and forcing air out."  


 "I see." Claude said, though he couldn't comprehend what he had just heard. "I still do not understand why he showed no symptoms of brain damage before."  


 "He didn't?"  


 "No."  


 "It states in his second record that he had an extremely high sex drive and was having sex in inappropriate places? Is that still relevant?"  


 "Erm ... no. Not extremely high."  


 "Are you quite sure about that? I need you to be honest with me about everything, so we have a good idea of how his brain was coping before this assault."  


 "We had a healthy sex life. That was all."  


 The Dr sighed. "When you say healthy, do you mean being intimate once a day?"  


 "I beg your Pardon?"  


 "I know it is personal but please, for your partner's sake."  


 "Six - eight times daily."  


 "And did that fulfill his needs?"

 "No, it did not."

"I see. Did he used to masterbate a lot?"  


 Claude grunted angrily, before replying. "Three or four times on top of that. I do not see how that is relevant. He's just got a high sex drive, as I did when I was his age."  


 "Because tbi can affect hormones and sex drive. Moving on. Does he still have the mood swings mentioned in the report? Angry outbursts over silly issues?"  


 Claude remembered back to the time when Ronald had punched him due a slip of the tongue about his sister and when Ronald had trashed the front room because Claude had accidently broken his Playstation. "Yes, he does. Not frequently and to be frank, I'd always saw Ronald as just having a short fuse sometimes."  


 "I see. The last thing. He smokes Cannabis, does he not? It showed up on a blood test."  


 "He does, though it's my personal stash."  


 The Dr shook his head. "Drugs and alcohol lower the seizure threshold and also make recovery from tbi slower and more difficult. You really have done your partner a misfortune." Claude gulped. "That means that the drug in his system probably added to his first seizure and could have possible caused his brain more damage."  


 The man felt his eyes fill with tears. Is really was all his fault. For two reasons now. "That may be true but I still wish to bring him home."  


 "His condition is severe and he could still relapse into a coma and possible die."  


 "That may be the case but as his next of kin, I wish that if he is to pass away, it be at home surrounded by people that love him, not in a cold, bare hospital with nothing but machines to keep him company."  


 The doctor nodded. "As he is stable for the moment, I do not have the right to object. However, you do realise that it will be hard work to take care of him? Feeding tubes and Catheters are not easy to deal with and it is not going to be a nice experience for you."  


 "I do not care. You may be more medically trained here but we have one thing that you could never give him and that is love."  


\----  


 Sebastian came into Ronald's room five minutes after Claude had left, to find Ronald shaking and jolting violently against the covers. Claude had text him earlier and asked him to look after his sweetheart.  


 He sat on the bed quickly, scooping the small man up and holding him to his chest gently. That's when he noticed the vomit on his chin. "Oh dear. Have you been sick again?"  


 "Hh" He felt neasous again and threw up onto Sebastian's suit shirt.  


 Sebastian bent him forward slightly, hand rubbing his back, as his shoulders shook from heaving. "There, there. That's it. Just get it all up. It's obviously not gone down well with you today." Ronald began to sob silently and coughed, as sick got lodged on his throat. "Come on, head down. That's it, spit it out."  


 Sebastian retrieved the cardboard bowl from the bedside table and placed it under Ronald's chin, his other hand still soothing Ronald's back. The boy shook harder, as he threw up the contents of his last feed and the one before that, until just bile came up.  


 Once done being sick, Sebastian grabbed a baby wipe from the table and wiped Ronald's chin. "I should go call a nurse."  


 "N!" He tugged at Sebastian's shirt, crying into the material. Looking up shakily, he pointed to Sebastian and then to his lips, pursing them the best he could.  


 "Oh, no." Sebastian smiled sweetly. "I can't kiss you, that is Claude's job." Ronald nodded, his eyes starting to slip shut. "Are you tired?" The boy nodded weakly. _I feel all funny ... again._ "Then get some rest. I will alert the nurses in a few minutes, once you have calmed down."  


 What Sebastian didn't realise was that Ronald was having his other kind of seizure, not the Grand - Mal. Ronald's eyes slipped shut fully, the balls rolling back slightly. After a minute or so, he came out of it, crying again. Sebastian lay him down on his side, as he went to get a nurse. Ronald had another two seizures in the time it took for the staff member to arrive.  


 As he came out of his third one, his wiped the drool shakily from his chin, only managing to mop some of it up. _Where's Claude ... why is he never here when I need him. I don't understand why I keep ... feeling all sick and tired. Why ... I keep shaking so much. Claude please ... just come back soon_.  


 Claude wouldn't be returning tonight. No, he had his own sorrows to deal with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Non/con sh** in next chap but nothing with Ronald. 
> 
> Research for this chapter:  
> Epilepsy and brain damage caused by ecstacy.  
> Sexuality with tbi.  
> Drugs and alcohol with tbi.  
> Epilepsy remission.


	21. Filthy. (Hannah Annafellows always gets what she wants.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shes falling apart by Lisa Loeb   
> And   
> When you believe by Whitney Houston. 
> 
> Hmm love these songs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small non/con scene. Just like a sentence.

 The fourth time Claude heard his adorable man sing was when he entered the bedroom one snowy winter's day.

_They call her for dinner, she makes up a reason_  
_She looks at her arms and she rolls down her sleeves_  
_And her mother is starting to see through her lies_  
_And last night her father had tears in his eyes_  
_And they rise in the morning_  
_And they sleep in the dark_  
_And even though nobody's looking_  
_She's falling apart_  
_And we rise in the morning_  
_And we sleep in the dark_  
_And even though nobody's looking_  
_She's falling apart_

 "Why do you always sing such depressing melodies?" Claude asked, as he entered the room.

 "Because maybe I am still depressed. Not ... suicidal but ... it still hurts to think of Rachel. Of mom and dad."

 "Thing will be better soon. It does take time but - would you sing my favorite song to me?"

 "Sure babe."

 Claude looked up the lyrics on his phone and handed it over to Ronald. "Hey, hang on. This one's depressing too."

 "Maybe it is but it is also hopeful. No matter how bad things get, you must always grasp at whatever hope there is. Sometimes that hope alone can get you through whatever heartbreak you encounter."

 The blonde smiled. "Yeah ... y' 'ave a point there. Whitney Houston is tha' shit though. Good choice, babe."

_Many nights we've prayed_  
_With no proof anyone could hear_  
_In our hearts, a hopeful song_  
_We barely understood_  
_Now we are not afraid_  
_Although we know there's much to fear_  
_We were moving mountains long_  
_Before we knew we could, oh yes_  
_[1] - There can be miracles when you believe_  
_Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill_  
_Who knows what miracles you can achieve_  
_When you believe, somehow you will_  
_You will when you believe_

Hope was frail, as was the boy lying on that hospital bed. It was hard for everyone to see. Ronald used to be so energetic, never keeping still. Now he only moved from intense spasms. 

 And yet, through his weakness, those blue orbs stayed as emotionally charged as ever. Claude could see the agony etched into them, wide from the pain of muscle contractions.

 He wondered if Ronald felt any hope or if he was begging for his own miracle. A way to get out of this situation. No matter how that would have to come to pass.

 No one knew that Ronald had heard bits and pieces of the words spoken in his room during his coma. He'd heard them talking about switching his life support off and felt them removing his feeding tube. He'd fought against that fate, not thinking he would end up in such a position. He now wished that he could go back in time. To let them end his life. For to him, he was not living, just merely surviving, kept alive by force from the feeding tube.

\-----

***elan***

 How Eric had ended up in this position he wasn't sure. Alan had asked and after checking countless times that Alan was positive, he agreed. Alan had asked him if he didn't like to bottom and Eric had stated that he didn't mind either way.

 Of course, the poor man hadn't a clue how to even prepare the blonde. He'd never given before, only been given to once and most of the time taken from.

 "That's it babe, like that." Alan nodded, as he scissored his two fingers. "Alright now do tha' same again wi' three."

 "Already? But you spent ages on ... me."

 "It's fine. I can take it, ya' fingers are thin enough."

 "And my dick ... little enough too."

 Eric chuckled. "Na. It's fine, Al."

 Alan slid his third finger in carefully and rubbed them against Eric's spot, not knowing he'd done so. Eric grunted.

 "Did ... I hurt you?"

 "Na. I just tend ta' grunt like a bear instead of moan."

 "How manly."

\---

 Five minutes later, Eric found himself on his stomach, Alan sliding in and out of him. "Ah ... Eric. You ... feel so ... nice."

 "So do ya'. Like givin' it rough then, huh?"

 "No ... I just can't ... help it. Feels too .... ah ... good to slow down. I'm ... not hurting you ... am I?"

 "Na. Built like a brick, remember?"

 "Hmm yeah." Alan thrust into him deeply, releasing inside of him. His nails dug into Eric's hips, as he rode out his orgasm. He'd never felt something so intense before.

 He pulled out and lay on the bed, exhausted. Eric rolled over, not caring that he'd not climaxed, as he looked down at the cute sight.

 "Eric ... don't look at my legs."

 "Babe, chill out. Too dark in here to make ya' scars out, remember?" Alan didn't reply. "Ya' okay?"

 Alan shook his head quickly. "I ... feel filthy. I shouldn't ... have tainted you ... like that."

 "Ya' not filthy babe. Never will be." He scooped Alan into his arms, cuddling him close. Alan nodded, snuggling closer to him.

 "Are ... you sure? You ... didn't mind that I did ... that?"

 "I loved every moment of it, babe."

 "And you're not disgusted? I'm ... still good enough for you?"

 "Always will be good enough."

 "Okay. Thank ... you for always ... loving me so much."

\-----

 Claude rushed over to Hannah's. His heart was heavy with guilt. His drug use had made Ronald's condition worse. He'd not only caused Ronald to be beaten up, he'd failed as a partner in every other way too.

 If that wasn't bad enough, his phone rang. "Hello?"

 "Son. We need you to come home. Your mother is sick with cancer. She will soon pass."

 How they had got his number, Claude could only guess. Maybe his long time friend Charles Grey had given it to them. "You do not want me around. You never have."

 "We have learnt to make peace with your sexuality now. Your mother wishes to see you."

 "Well I haven't made peace with you throwing me away like a piece of crumpled wrapping paper."

 "Son, please-."

 "And believe me, you wouldn't accept me for who I am now anyway. I am too weak willed for you to ever take me back into your life. I'm too disgusting for that. What, with an abusive partner. I was too weak a man to even fight back. Oh and all the men I have slept with. Yes, you would be oh so proud."

"Cla-."

 "At least mother has been shown some mercy. My partner however hasn't. He's severally disabled and all because I was too pathetic to protect him. What sort of man let's that happen? Now, do not contact me again."

 With that, he ended the call and turned his phone off. Cocaine was needed.

 ----

 As the drug took affect, he slipped down on the sofa. An equally high and panty-less Hannah was on top of him in an instant, pulling his trousers down and underwear.

 "Hannah, don't you dare."

 "Aww come on, hun. Ya' said it yourself, your partner isn't well enough to pleasure you." She said, rubbing him into hardness.

 "I said no such thing. I said he was in a fragile state. Sex is not a concern right now. Now cease with this vulgar play."

 "Same thing." She sank down onto him and his breath hitched. He turned his face away, small pants coming from him as she rode on top. He didn't try to push her away. No one cared about him anyway. They just took what they wanted and Claude knew by now that trying to stop it just ended in violence and more pain. Plus, she would probably just tie him up like last time.

\----

 No one at the hospital had noticed that Ronald had had a seizure, as he wasn't seizing or unconscious when the nurse came in. Still, he'd had an accident and had to be cleaned up.

 His nasal tube had also clogged from vommiting and had to be replaced. He'd been injected with a muscle relaxant, so that they could slide the feeding tube back in.

 Sebastian stayed with him until Eric and Alan arrived. _Where's Claude? Why ... isn't he back yet? I miss him so much. I need him._


	22. Demonstrations, adverse reactions and tube insertions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronald has a feeding tube inserted again, so Claude can see how it must be done. 
> 
> Elan in next chap. Also maybe beast and dagger and Agni /Soma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going to put med in brackets for the part that's quite graphic. Incase someone hasn't got a strong stomach. Me? I loved researching this. So interesting.

 The following day, Eric and Alan came to visit Ronald again. He was crying and shaking. Alan was soon over to the bed, soothing his hair. It had now grown back to full length but without the black section, Ronald looked much younger.

 Ronald clung tightly to his jumper. "Hnn."

 "How ya' feelin', buddy? Still feelin' poorly?" Eric asked, sitting on the bedside chair.

 "No, I ... asked the nurse. He hasn't been sick today."

 "Ah, that's good." He held Ronald's shaking hand. "Ya' comin' home in a week or so. Once tha' doctors can find a pill ta' stop these shakes."

 "Hn." Ronald smiled.

 A few minutes later, Claude came into the room. His eye was black, from when he'd finally decided to push Hannah away. In his head, it was still classed as cheating and only a immoral pig would cheat on their disabled fiancé.

 He'd wanted to smack her back but he considered himself as somewhat of a gentleman and they didn't hit girls.

 Alan and Eric were focused on that bruise. Only Ronald noticed the evident love bite on his neck. He whimpered and pointed at the spot from across the room. "Nnn!" _He cheated on me? I was so ill and he ... didn't come back ... because he was fuckin' someone else?"_ Ronald began to cry more.

 Eric looked between them. "Mate, ya' didn't?"

 "What? Be unfaithful you mean? Not by choice. Doesn't the black eye prove as such?"

 "Oh. Man ... sorry."

 "It's fine." He walked over to Ronald, who had began to calm down again and cupped his cheek. "And how is my angel today?"

 "Nnn."

 "I love you."

 "Hhh." Ronald nuzzled his face against his palm. _I love y' too. Just wanna' come home._

\-----

 Just after Alan's first hospital admission, a sad melody rang out throughout the house.

A _ll this talk of getting old_  
 _It's getting me down my love_  
 _Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown_  
 _This time I'm comin' down_  
 _And I hope you're thinking of me_  
 _As you lay down on your side_  
 _Now the drugs don't work_  
 _They just make you worse_  
 _But I know I'll see your face again_  
 _Now the drugs don't work_  
 _They just make you worse_  
 _But I know I'll see your face again_  
 _But I know I'm on a losing streak_  
 _'Cause I passed down my old street_  
 _And if you wanna show, then just let me know_  
 _And I'll sing in your ear again_  
 _Now the drugs don't work_  
 _They just make you worse_  
 _But I know I'll see your face again_  
 _'Cause baby, ooh, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too_  
 _Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead_

 "No, sometimes they do not work. I think Alan could do with therapy instead of being medicated."

 "Yeah. Hopefully they won't drug him up. It's jus' a temporary solution anyway."

 How fitting that song now was. Ronald was finally about to be discharged after two weeks of hell. The doctors had prescribed him various drugs to try to help with his spasms. None had worked. Some would help somewhat but would make him violently sick.

 Especially Procyclidine. That had made him vomit continuously for a solid five hours. He'd become so dehydrated that he'd had a seizure. Alan had been present when it happened and it had left him shaken. Still, the doctors didn't put it down to epilepsy, as there was a likely cause. He'd ended up on iv fluids for two days, as his feeding tube had become clogged again.

 Pain killers had a simular effect. Some strong ones made him sick and he'd had a bad reaction to codeine products. He'd come out in a rash and experienced bad diarrhea. They had been promptly stopped, before he became too dehydrated again.

 Paracetamol didn't touch the pain. His back ached constantly and his neck was always stiff from his head jerking backwards and forwards.

\----

 The day before he was being released, Claude was being shown how to insert a feeding tube. In order to reduce his spasms, he was given diazepam rectally. It was only to  be used for intubation. This is what Claude would have to do, if his tube was ever pulled out.

 The boy whimpered and shook harder, as the nozzle of the rectal tube was inserted. _Get the fuck off me, bastard!_ Claude kissed his hand to try to distract him. The contents was squeezed into him and the tube withdrawn.

 Once the drug had helped somewhat, another nurse came into the room. Claude stood up from the bed, as he would have to watch this. "Nnn! N!"

 "I'm sorry Ronald but I have to learn how to do this."

 The nurse was the brother or Dr Abberline and looked almost identical, with only a mustache to differ them. He talked Claude through the equipment on the hospital tray:  
Gloves.  
Fine nasogastric tube.  
Water based lubricant.  
Syringe.  
Bile bag.  
Hypoallergenic tape.  
PH indicator paper.

(Med)

 Ronald's bed was lifted, so that he was sitting upright and the nurse asked him to blow his nose. The nurse put on his gloves. "Okay, Ronald. Tilt your head back slightly for me."

 "Right, we now measure from the nostril to the tip of the ear and down to the xiphisternum position." He said, showing Claude what he meant. "Mark the point with tape. This will be a rough guide of how much tubing will be inserted."

 He picked up a small pouch of lube from the tray. "Now curl the first four inches of tube around your finger tightly. This will make it easier to insert. Then lubricate first three or four inches."

 He looked at Ronald. "Now that button you have in your hand. Please press it if you are feeling too much discomfort and I will slow down."

 "Hn."

 "Insert it slowly for three inches towards the ear. Now I will use a medical torch to check if the end of the tube is at the back of his throat."

 "It is. Now let's continue." Ronald began to cry again and Claude wanted nothing more than to hold him tightly. He couldn't however. He had to watch.

 "As Ronald cannot swallow, I'm going to stroke his neck to encourage his swallowing reflex, as I ease the tube down. Check for any wheezing or coughing, as it may have entered the airways. If so, withdraw slightly and start again."

 Ronald clicked the button, as the nurse slid half of the rest of the tube in. "It's okay, Ronald. I'll take it nice and slow. You're being really brave. Everything is fine."

 The rest of the tube was inserted. "Right. Now secure to the nose. We must check that it's in the stomach."

 He picked up the 60ml syringe and drawed some stomach contents up. "We now have to check the PH."

 Claude gagged slightly, as the contents was tested on the testing strips. The smell wasn't a pleasant one. "That's fine. It is definitely in the stomach. A PH of four or lower is needed to indicate this."

(Med end)

 "Now we can secure the tube properly on his nose and wrap more tape around the tube. This can then be safety pinned to his top, to allow for more head movement. That's it. Do you think you will be able to do this at home if need be?"

 "Yes, it seems quite straightforward." The nurse collected the clinical waste and left. Claude sat next to Ronald, the boy beginning to shake again.

 "I can't wait for you to come home." He soothed the boy's hair. "Such a beautiful love."

 There would be some more information given and demonstrations carried out. A worse one was yet to come. Then would be time for more coke, though Claude would not be stepping through Hannah's front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The drugs don't work by the verve. 
> 
> Research needed:   
> Reactions to codeine.   
> Ng insertion plus videos on it.  
> Diazepam insertion and use.   
> How to insert a ng tube if a person cannot swallow.   
> Procyclidine side effects. 
> 
> Can I have a kudo for all the research I'm doing ? ;)


	23. Sex is not a healer. (None of your damn business.) Soma loved you, Ronald.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suit - like a sari for a man.

***Ronald's past***

 Ronald was taken by the Asian man on train into Birmingham and then to the posh section of the city. He was soon taken upstairs, where he found a bed covered in lotus petals and draped in red and gold silk. "Nice place y' got here."

 "Thank you. That is very kind." The man stood behind him, sucking softly on his neck.

 "Hmm. So ... that's why y' called me beautiful."

 "Yes. You really are beautiful." He pulled Ronald over to the bed and pushed him gently onto it.

 "Then show me wha' y' do ta' beautiful people." His shirt was removed, along with his trousers. The man diped his tongue below his belly button, earning a soft moan from him. Moving down lower, he sucked on inside of Ronald's thigh, hand rubbing him through his boxers. "Hmm ... don't do tha'."

 "Why not?"

 "'Cause it makes me horny."

 "That is very good."

 "Ah ... it makes me want ta' 'ave a bj."

 "That can be arranged."

 He pulled off Ronald's boxers. "Are you sure that you are 17? You look younger.

 "Yeah I'm 17. Jus' ain't had my growth spurt yet."

 Later, he found himself in various positions, this older man sliding in and out of him gently. "Fuck ... hmm." This was the first time he'd ever had sex with anyone and it felt amazing. The farthest he had gotten before was oral.

 The man moved to spoon him from behind, pressing into him softly. "Ah ... shit."

 He moved his hand to stroke Ronald's arm, before pulling him closer. "You have ... such lovely skin. Like the most precious ivory. Milky and rich looking. So beautiful."

 "Cheers. Y' not too bad y'self."

 A few weeks later, he found himself cuddled up to this man, now known as Soma. "I think I am in love with you." The Asian stated.

 A small smile crept across his face. "I love y' too."

 "That is very good."

\----

***Elan***

 In the past two weeks, it seemed as if Alan really had pinched some of Ronald's sex drive. They'd make love a few times a week, when Alan indicated that he wanted to be intimate. Eric had learnt that Alan didn't mind it rough, as long as it was Eric who was being like that. He'd learnt that if Alan lay on his back, he wanted nothing but tenderness. If he got up on his hands and knees or laid on his stomach, the wanted sex to be a bit harder.

 Not that Eric minded. Something turned him on about a man 8 inches shorter than him and almost half his weight taking 8 inches of him so readily. If he prepared him enough, which he always did, it only hurt for the first few thrusts. He delighted in looking down and seeing himself sliding in and out of his love.

 The current session was a rough one, Alan bent over the kitchen table, with his cheek pressed against the wood. "Ah ... Eric. Hmm ... harder ... please."

 "Ya' sure?"

 "Please ... ahh." Eric complied, pulling his hips closer and sinking in deeper, before thrusting harshly. "Ah .... hmm. Oh ... hmm."

 Eric loved the cute moans that slipped from Alan's lips, the way his muscles tensed even when he wasn't close to climaxing. He loved to see the expression on Alan's face, as he was pushed over the edge.

 "Hn, Al. So fuckin' tight, babe."

 "It's ... because your ... dick is massive."

 Eric chuckled in between his grunts. "Tha' sure is ... a confidence booster."

 Once done, he pulled out carefully and Alan grabbed his hand, pulling him up into the bedroom. "Horny lil' bitch."

 Alan blushed. "Shouldn't ... be so ... good at it then."

 Eric knew that just because Alan was getting more comfortable with being intimate, it didn't mean that his problems had just vanished. No, he would still get upset sometimes or freak out. Sex wasn't some magical cure that they make it out to be in yaoi books.

 No, Alan still had his issues and Eric planned to stick with him through them all. No matter how awful they were to cope with at times.

 "Ah ... right there." Alan moaned. Eric's dick ring felt amazing, especially when it rubbed against his spot. "I'm so ... close."

 Once done, Eric turned to Alan. "I wonder how Claude got on wi' being shown how to look after Ronnie."

 "I'm sure he ... was fine. You ... still need to ask him about what happened ... with his black eye."

 "Yeah I know."

 "And we need to get the things ready for ... Ronnie's welcome home party."

 "We do tha'."

 -----

 Claude came downstairs with a pounding headache, from the Cocaine last night. He'd been shown how to use a catheter on Ronald and that was even worse than the ng tube.

 Still, in a few short hours, Ronald would be home and the guests gathered to welcome him back.

 As he stepped into the kitchen, Eric addressed him. "Mate, wha' happened ta' ya'?"

"With what?"

 Eric looked away, scratching the back of his head. "The black eye and all tha'. Someone assaulted ya' again, didn't they?"

"It's none of your damn business."

 "True but it's better ta' talk about these things."

 Claude glared at him. "If you must know, it was a woman. See how pathetic I am? Not being able to defend myself even against a female."

 "Doesn't make ya' pathetic. It's common for women ta' ... erm, rape guys. Doesn't make ya' any less of a man."

 "And yet I find myself feeling weak and tarnished. Are you coming with me to see Ronald?"

 "I am, yeah. Me and Alan have got ta' be shown tha' tube thing on a dummy, so at least we can help ya' out somewhat."

 "While it is good practice for when I shall be at work, this is my mess and I shall tend to Ronald's needs on my own." With that he walked out of the room.

\-----

 Agni was led in handcuffs to the meeting room of the prison. A young man, in his twenties approached him, dressed in a purple and yellow suit. He was beautiful and Agni felt himself blushing.

 "Hello there. It is very nice to meet you."

 "Same to you."

 The Asian man smiled. "My name is Soma. I will be here to work with you, so you can rebuild your life."

 "I am beyond help."

 "I felt the same way many years ago, before the Gods granted me a second chance. It is never too late to turn ones life around."

 Agni looked at him carefully. "I'm sure you were not a vile creature such as me."

 "Maybe not but I did hurt someone very special to me. Would you like to know about it?"

 "Why not. If it will keep me out of that jail cell for a while longer."

 Soma grinned. "I was once a prince in my homeland but was found to be having relations with a man, in the lowest cast non the less. My grandfather wanted me to be killed, as I had brought dishonour on my family. My mother and father however couldn't allow that. They gave me a large sum of money and I came to England."

 "Okay."

 "Then I fell in love with a sweet, beautiful man who lived in West Bromwich at the time. I loved him with all of my heart. Sadly, I let my wealth attract me to bad people. Drug parties at my house became the norm. My love took some bad drugs and ended up having a seizure. It looked like he had been overtaken by the demon that Kali was yet to slay. He ended up with brain damage and forgot all about me. From then on, I decided to mend my broken ways. To not let others get hurt because of my selfishness and here I am now. Trying to help rehabilitatate people."

 "I see. Well I came from a poor family. I did what I had to to survive, even if it meant being payed to hurt people."

 "Have you ever killed a person?"

 "No. That blonde boy, I just had to hold him still. I was not the one to strike him. I hated every minute of it but I needed the money."

 "That boy did not die however, though I know that was the plan. Instead, he is severely disabled now and still in the hospital."

"Yes, I know. The guilt weighs heavy on my heart."

 "That boy has had a rough life. I hope one day the Gods will grant him a miracle."

 Agni frowned. "He has?"

 "Yes, for you see. That boy was my first love."

 "You mean that this Ronald boy was the person you fell for in the Midlands?"

 "Indeed it was. I still love him greatly. Maybe one day I will visit him again. If only he could remember me. Anyway, enough about that. Please tell me how I can help you."

 Agni pondered for a moment and then a moment more. This man was breathtaking. That is how their love story began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter, Jacob and Joseph make a past appearance. 
> 
> Everyone tries to settle Ron in at home after the party and tube feeds. 
> 
> Eric starts uni.


	24. Cake. (Diazepam and the two j's)

 Claude got himself showered and began to clean the house. The doctor had told him that Ronald's immune system could be suppressed by Tbi and he didn't want to risk the blonde getting an infection. Ronald had smacked his hand off of the bedside table the day before and had cut it quite badly. He'd whined and tried to pull away from the staff as they cleaned the cut. Claude didn't want any dirt getting in there.

 He'd been told the signs of urinary tract infection caused by the catheter and to also check the back of Ronald's throat regularly for signs of a throat infection.

 He disinfected every surface of the house, either with detol or anti bacterial wipes. The only place he didn't venture into was Eric's room. He couldn't bear to imagine the awful abuse that took place in there that night or couldn't grasp how Eric could sleep so soundly in there after seeing Ronald at death's door.

 He then hovered and ironed a fresh pair of clothes for Ronald to put on at his discharge. Eric and Alan went out to get stuff for the party and Sebastian came into the house to begin to prepare the party food.

 Claude then went upstairs to check that the bed worked properly and grabbed the wheelchair, folding it into his car and driving to the hospital. He had planned to get a stair lift, incase his back gave out when carrying Ronald up the stairs. Eric had told him that he would do it, as Ronald wasn't heavy and that the stairs were already too thin and windy for the large man to get up them easily anyway.

\----

****Ronald's past****

 The blonde felt himself become dizzy. Someone had obviously spiked his drink at Soma's luxury home. He was pulled up onto his feet and carried to one of the many bedrooms. Once inside, he was shoved onto his front on the bed, his clothing quickly removed.

 He began to slip in and out of consciousness, as someone slid into him. A man with long blonde hair. "He's a cute one. Quite lucky that the stuck up brat downstairs fell asleep."

 "Indeed it is, Jacob."

 Ronald felt someone grab the back of his head by the hair, deep thrusts entering him. Then he passed out.

***Present***

 A loud whimper echo'd around the hospital room. "N! Nnh!" If he could move his legs apart from the spasms, he would have kicked Claude away. Those two were the guys who hurt Alan? Ronald couldn't understand why they were in Birmingham but remembering such things just added to the trauma of what was currently happening to him.

 "Ronald, please calm yourself. The doctor has stated that he wants you be calm when we leave the hospital." His leg was lifted and the diazepam pressed into him.

 "Nnh!" He screwed his eyes shut, his breath turning shaky, as the liquid entered him.  
Claude had mentioned to the staff about the party and they had told him that Ronald would need diazepam to stop him from getting too excited or agitated. As such, it had been time for Claude to try out inserting the rectal tube himself, no matter how much it pained him to do so.

 After five minutes, Ronald stopped spasming as much and Claude sat on the bed next to him, helping him into a sitting position. The blonde tried to pull away, tears sliding down his face. "I'm sorry, Ronald. I had to. I know that it's probably not a nice experience but it's all over now. We will soon be going home."

 Ronald stopped struggling, resting his head on Claude's shoulder, as he sobbed silently. Claude grabbed some tissue and wiped the spit from around Ronald's lips and then a trickle of snot. "I cannot wait for you to come home. Your family has missed you greatly."

\-----

 Meanwhile, across town Eric and Alan were busy getting the last few items for the party. Silly string and banners to name a few of them. They then went to the cake store, where they had ordered a large Batman cake.

 "This ... looks awesome." Alan said.

 "It sure does. Jus' a shame Ronnie can't ... eat any of it."

 "Yeah ..."

 "Well we best ge' goin'. We need ta' be in tha' hospital in half hour."

 "I can't believe that he's ... finally coming home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter:  
> Dagger comforts beast.  
> A party.  
> Finding out who the other people playing football with dagger and Ronnie were.


	25. Cuddles in the backseat. (Spoilt child need something shoving up his arse.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feel so bad for Ronald. :(:(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Colecalciferol = vitamin D3. Needed as Ronald was tested to be low in it from not being in sunlight for ages.  
> Vitamin C and Zinc = for Ronald's compromised immune system.

 On returning home, Eric's phone rang. "Hey Claude."

 "Hello. Would you do me a great favour and let everyone know that the party will have to be delayed until 8pm? I've got a long meeting, which I did not foresee, to go through Ronald's discharge plan and to collect his prescribed medication."

 Eric could hear the irritation in the elder's voice and could understand it, everyone just wanted Ronnie to come home. "Yeah, sure."

 "And can you come to the ward now? Ronald's upset about something but I haven't a clue what."

 Texts sent, Alan and Eric moved from the living room into the kitchen. "Well the food is prepared." Sebastian smiled. "Would you like me to come with you to the hospital?"

 "Sure. Don't see why not." Eric said.  
Eric and Alan cuddled in the back seat, as Sebastian drove them to the hospital. On entering the room, they found that Ronald had slipped down the headboard and was heaving. Eric quickly helped him into a sitting position. "Hey, buddy. Jus' take deep breaths, okay? Inhale, that's it. Now exhale."

 Ronald stopped heaving after a few moments. "I brought you something ... Ronnie." Alan said, sitting at Ronald's other side. "We brought ... it from Waterstones earlier today." He produced an art book from the Suicide Squad series and Ronald grinned at them, before the tremours took over again.

 Alan opened the first page, so Ronald could look at the artwork, before flicking to the next. Sebastian sat in the chair at the side of the bed, newspaper in hand.

 As 7'oclock came into view, Claude entered the room, large folder in hand. "How is Ronald?"

 "He's ... okay, apart from the shakes." Alan said.

 "Okay. I just have to pick up his medication and get him dressed and he is free to leave. A nurse will be coming soon to give him his last feed here."

 Claude left and Sebastian quickly followed him out. "Claude?"

 "What?!"

 "Something is troubling you. What it is?"

 The man sighed. "I didn't think taking care of Ronald would be so intense."

 "What do you mean?"

 "I thought it would just be bathing him, feeding him and helping him urinate. I did not foresee the giant checklist I would have to adhere to."

 "I see. You know that you have our full support."

 "I don't deserve support. This is all my fault." Before Sebastian could reply, Claude had shoved the large folder into his hand and stormed down the hallway.

 Sebastian entered the room, to find Ronald being fed, a look of discomfort on his face. He sat back down and looked through the folder. Claude had been correct. In the mornings Claude would have to check to see if Ronald would follow instructions, check that he could follow his finger with his eyes. Then check his throat and mouth, before helping him to clean his teeth and gargle with corsodyl mouth wash.

 There was then a timetable of feeding times, liquid food allowed and volume, as well as water needed to flush the tube before and after each feed (60ml). Then a chart to put his twice weekly weigh ins on. His weight had been listed at 120lbs (Bmi 17.7). That seemed odd. Ronald did look as if he had lost weight but how could he? Just lying in a bed all day, unless the tremors were burning ample amounts of calories. It also stated that 1500 calories would come from Ensure plus, the other 1000 from blended food. A small recipe sheet was attached to it.

 There was then a mini booklet on activities to keep his brain active and suggested ways of communication, including sign language.

A list of medication was present:  
Paracetamol 250mg/5ml suspension. (20ml, four times daily).  
Colecalciferol 3000units/ml (20ml daily)  
Diazepam tubes 5mg/2ml. (Use when required for ng insertion or intense agitation.)  
Vitamin C and Zinc drops. (Ten drops in one dose, mixed with water or liquid feeds.)

 It was evident that Claude was going to need all the support he could get.

 Later, Claude came in to help Ronald get dressed. The boy only owned a few pairs of jeans and they were reserved for clubbing. Instead, jogging bottoms and boxers were eased onto him and a Batman t-shirt pulled over his head. A thin male cardigan was slid onto his arms and he was then wheeled out of the hospital by Eric, Claude's arms filled with bags of Ensure plus and liquid medication.

 Eric lifted him carefully into the backseat, Alan at his side, before he got in next to Claude who had just finished a spliff. "N! Nnh!" Ronald smacked the back seat, earning an annoyed grunt from Claude, who already had a pounding headache. "N! Nnh!" He smacked it harder.

 "Ronald, would you bloody stop?!"

 The blonde whined softly, punching the seat shakily this time.  _But I just wanna' sit next to y'. Why can't y' understand even that!?_

 "Stop acting like a spoilt toddler. Do not force me to administer more Diazepam."

 Ronald made a squeaking sound, hiding his face in Alan's shoulder. Claude grunted, opening the door and leaving the car, before slamming it shut again. He spoke to Sebastian outside for a moment, before jumping in his car.

 Sebastian got in his and turned the engine on, pulling out of the parking lot. "N!"

 "It is quite alright, Ronald, Claude is just tired right now."

 "Nnn!"

 Ten minutes later, they pulled up outside of the house. "Come on, Ronnie. Stop cryin'." Eric encouraged, bending down and opening the car door at Ronald's side.

 Ronald looked up, his whole body trembling. "That's where tha' hottie disappeared ta'." He pulled a tissue from his pocket and wiped the snot from Ronald's nose. Alan had a big patch of saliva soaking into his jumper. "That's better. Handsome as always, mate." Ronald smiled softly, before Eric got picked him up again.

 As they stepped through the door, there was a big cheer and clapping. "Welcome home, Ronnie!"

 Ronald grinned when he saw Claude smiling at him too. The candles on the cake were blown out and Eric promised to find a way to blend it for Ronald tomorow.

 Everyone from college was there, plus Darren and Betty. They had brought the other boys and a girl who had been playing football all those months ago. Jimmy, Wendy and a silver haired man with really bad psoriasis, who was nicknamed snake. There was also a man, the only man larger than Eric, who was named Jumbo.

\------

 Betty and Darren were seated in the kitchen. "I can't quite believe Joker did tha' ta' tha' wee lad."

 "And yet ye' still love him." Darren stated.

 "No such thing. I hate him. Vulgar cretin." She paused, eyes pricking with tears. "But who else would love me? Being incomplete as I am? Without him, I feel as if my life is over."

 "It’s a lang road that’s no goat a turnin.’" _(goat = got) Translation: Don’t lose heart in dark times, things can’t keep going in the same direction forever._ "Plus, I will always love ye'. Leg or ne' leg."

 "Oh, Darren. I ... such a sweet wee thing you are."

\-----

 Claude had disappeared, much to Ronald's distress. Sebastian found him in the garden, white powder coating his nostrils. "Are things really so bad that you feel the need to upgrade from Cannabis?"

 "They are." Claude said solemnly. "I am not cut out for care giving. I can barely look after myself."

 "You will be just fine."

 "No, I will not and neither will Ronald being stuck with a drug abuser like me. No .... I feel I must swallow my pride and put him into care. I am already failing to cope."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research needed:  
> Discharge sheets of tbi patients.  
> Ensure calories and types.  
> Feeding tube flushes.  
> Teeth brushing for tbi patients.  
> Doses from memory at work.


	26. Drunk and horny.  (Too much force feeding.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bon Jovi - bed of roses.  
> Meat Loaf - I would do anything for love. (But I won't do that)  
> Bob Marley - no woman, no cry. 
> 
> Can so tell my song choices aha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Insomnia caused by chemicals not being released in the brain to regulate sleep. Also messing with sleep wake cycles.

 Sebastian grabbed some wet wipes from the kitchen, before heading back outside to help clean Claude's nose. He took the packet of Cocaine off of him and headed back in side, so Claude could collect his thoughts. The man hadn't taken enough to get anything but a slight buzz from the drug.

 Walking to the kitchen, he produced another cake. It was of the West Bromwich football shirt. The song thrush emblem was made from strips of sliced Starbursts and the bottom decorated with Skittles. Adrian had made amazing bone shaped biscuits, which Alan had stated as yummy.

 The guests stayed until 10.30pm, as Ronald looked to be getting tired. Claude came back into the house then, his small high having faded. Eric was wasted, so Sebastian took Ronald upstairs before leaving.

 Eric dragged Alan upstairs. "Hn ... horny."

 Alan giggled. "Not tonight ... Eric, you're too drunk. I don't want you to rip me ... open."

 Eric chuckled. "Fair enough ... tomorow then."

 "Totally." The reached the bedroom. "You do ... seem to have a little problem downstairs though."

 "Hn."

 "Maybe ... I can help you?"

\----

 At half eleven, Claude got Ronald ready for bed. The first time feeding hadn't gone well, Claude giving him too much volume in a short space of time. As such, Ronald had been sick all over the bed covers and Claude had had to change them. He'd also vomited up all his medication. With no Paracetamol to ease him a tiny bit, he was already whimpering in pain.

 Claude slipped Ronald's nightshirt onto his arms. "I'm sorry, Ronald. Next time I'll make sure to go slower with the syringe."

 "Hhh." He placed soft kisses to Ronald's chest and collar bones, making the blonde hum in contentment.

 "Right, time for bed." He said, once buttoning his shirt and easing his pj trousers on. Once in bed, he lay Ronald on the side his tube wasn't taped to and then snuggled up behind him. "You're freezing cold." He'd been told that some tbi patients couldn't regulate their body temperature. As such, Ronald was cold even in the summer heat.

 Once getting up and grabbing a thick blanket, he lay it on the bed and got back under the covers, not caring that he'd probably be roasting all night. Ronald trembled against him, small whines slipping from his mouth.  
As 4am came into view, Claude realised that Ronald wasn't going to sleep tonight. The boy continued to whimper and shake, before pointing to his ipod on the bedside table.

 "Hnn!"

 "You want some music on?" Claude asked, as Ronald's hand jerked away. He nodded and Claude retrieved the player, before loading it into the docking station.

 The volume was loud enough to be heard clearly in the bedroom, without waking the couple up in the next room. The music began to play and Ronald smiled softly, snuggling down further into the bed.

 A song came on that Claude liked and he pulled Ronald closer, singing softly into his ear.

 "Sitting here wasted and wounded, at this old piano, trying hard to capture the moment this morning. I don't know 'cause a bottle of vodka is still lodged in my head and some blonde gave me nightmares. I think that she's still in my bed, as I dream about movies. They won't make of me when I'm dead. With an ironclad fist, I wake up and french kiss the morning, while some marching band keeps its own beat in my head. While we're talking about all of the things that I long to believe. About love and the truth and what you mean to me and the truth is baby you're all that I need. I want to lay you down in a bed of roses. For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails. I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is and lay you down on a bed of roses."

 His hand moved under Ronald's shirt to stroke his stomach softly, making the boy exhale slowly and relax more. Ronald had always loved tummy rubs. The next song played and Claude kissed the top of his head, before singing again.

 "And I would do anything for love. I'd run right into hell and back. I would do anything for love. I'd never lie to you and that's a fact. But I'll never forget the way you feel right now. Oh no, no way. And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. No, I won't do that. Anything for love. Oh, I would do anything for love. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. No, I won't do that."

 But Ronald would. He'd do anything for love. That fact had already been proven.

  _What was I thinking? I could never put you into care. I couldn't part with you. You obviously need me, as much as I need you._

 Another tune, one which Claude didn't know, played around the room.

 _No, woman, no cry;_  
_No, woman, no cry. Eh, yeah!_  
_A little darlin', don't shed no tears:_  
_No, woman, no cry. Eh!_

 At 7'oclock, Claude's alarm sounded. It was time to begin his first real day as a carer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research needed:  
> Insomnia with tbi  
> Tbi patients and body temp. 
> 
> In the next chapter. Ronald gets sick. Eric and Alan fluff and Claude goes to work. Titan comforts Ronald. Plus first day of caring for the blonde.


	27. Massage. (Sausages and seizures.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit of Alan /Eric/ Ronnie cuteness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May want to read my spin off 'you are the only one for me'. Especially 'knee kisses and belly rubs'.
> 
> Also 'a night of ng tubes and Catheters' to see what happened the previous night.

 Claude got himself showered, before coming back into the bedroom. Ronald heard him come in and whined for attention. The older rolled him gently onto his back, before using the bedside button to raise the top of the bed. Ronald grinned. _This bed's kinda' cool. Could get used to this_. "Alright, Ronald. Turn your head to the left for me." He did. "Now the right." That instruction was also followed and Claude ticked that box on his morning checklist.

 "Okay. Lift both arms for me and keep them there." Ronald raised his shaking arms to shoulder level. "Very good." He bent down in front of Ronald. "Now follow my finger." He moved it in front of Ronald's eyes and the boy followed it.

 Claude pulled the covers back carefully, running a finger over the bottom of Ronald's foot. "Can you feel that?" Ronald nodded. Once checked that he had feeling in his toes and fingertips, he moved to the bathroom again. He brushed Ronald's teeth, moving his head forward slightly so no liquid slipped down his throat. The same was done for the mouthwash, though the blonde struggled to swirl it around his mouth. 

 The liquid food and medication was given, Claude making sure that he pushed the syringe down slowly and waited a few minutes between every 60ml. Ronald eyed him with appreciation, thankful that he'd taken his time. His nose was then wiped and the tube tape replaced.

\-----

 Meanwhile, Alan sat between Eric's open legs, a long unbuttoned shirt on backwards to hide his arms and chest. Eric rubbed massage oil into his shoulders and back, thumbs kneading the tight muscles. "Ya' muscles in ya' shoulders are all knotted up, Al."

 "That's because I slept funny. I ... had no space. You were sprawled out. I thought ... you'd sleep soundly ... After I - but you kept moving."

 "After ya' wha'?"

 Heat rose on Alan's face. "After ... I erm ... used my mouth. Don't you ... remember?"

 "Shit, I forgot tha'? First time too."

 "Guess I wasn't ... much good at it."

 Eric chuckled. "Na, I was jus' wrecked last night."

 "Yes you were. I will ... have to give you a refresher course."

 "Ya' will ... but not right now. We need ta' go downstairs in a bit. Claude will be goin' ta' work." He kissed the back of Alan's neck, who let out a soft moan.

 "Yeah. I just hope ... Ronnie doesn't get upset. He was a ... mess yesterday, from Claude just ... leaving the car."

 "We'll jus' 'ave ta' cheer up him."

\------

 "Nnn!"

 "Ronald, stop it. No matter how much you cry, it doesn't change the fact that I have to go to work."

 Ronald smacked the side of his face against his pillow, tears streaming down his face. "Stop it already. You're going to hurt yourself. I've already reduced my work days to two, what else do you want from me?"

 "Nnn!" He used more force.

 "For the love of God, cease this temper tantrum at once! You're twenty, not two!" He stormed out of the room and downstairs.

 That was one of the issues on his mind. He hadn't yet gauged Ronald's mental age since the accident and didn't know if he was now childlike.

 Moving into the kitchen, he spotted the couple having breakfast. "I have a meeting after work tonight. I might not be back until 9pm."

 "Sounds fun." Said Eric.

 "I didn't get chance to bathe him or brush his hair. His next feed is due in two hours. Then every two to three hours after that. Catheter every four to six. His folder is in the living room, if you have time to go through some activities with him." He turned to head out the door. "and he has two appointments at the hospital. One at 3pm and the other 5pm. See if Sebastian or someone can drive you there." He opened it. "And make sure that the dog doesn't hurt him."

 "He won't. Ya' said it ya'self tha' he tried ta' protect ya' tha' night."

 "Yes and he was lucky that Baldroy doesn't like killing animals." With that, he left.

 "Well, guess we best get Ronnie in tha' bath."

 "Yup." Alan finished his cereal and got up. "We really ... shouldn't leave him on his own for too long."

 They found a distraut, sobbing Ronnie tangled up in the sheets. He'd had a Grand - Mal seizure, which no one had been around to witness. Eric carefully untangled him and lifted him onto his lap. Ronald wrapped his arms around Eric's neck and clung onto him.

 "It's ... okay Ronnie." Alan said.

 Eric pulled the blonde closer. "Come on, mate. We got a load of pressies from last night ta' open." Eventually, he calmed down and Eric stripped him off. "Al, I think he's wet himself."

 Alan smiled sadly. "It's okay ... nothing a bath won't fix. I'll go run ... it."

 Five minutes later, Eric lowered Ronald into the bath slowly. _I bet you've missed this sight, eh?_ With great concentration, Ronald winked at the large man.

 "Haha ... yeah. Still as hot as ever." He traced over Ronald's shoulder and arms. His cut marks had turned to silver and white scars.

 "These 'ave really healed well. Can ya' wash ya'self?" He passed Ronald a sponge but when the boy tried to hold it, his arm and hand spasmed and he dropped it. Shaking his head, he began to cry again. _No. I can't do anything. My body is a crock of shit._

 "Alright mate, no worries." He picked up the sponge again, squeezing some shower gel onto it and washing Ronald carefully. "Can't forget behind ya' ears." He smiled.

 Alan then washed and condition his hair, before Eric scooped him back up and carried him to the bedroom, not caring that his t-shirt was now wringing wet. He dried Ronald off and then they took him downstairs.

 Some of the presents were placed in front of him. "Right, which one do ya' want ta' open first?" Ronald pointed shakily to the biggest one.

 Soon all the gifts were opened. Grell had made him a Batman cuddly toy and one that looked like Claude. Luna had brought him a Nightmare Before Christmas blanket and Angelina a blanket with pictures of hunky men on it.

 William had gotten him a pigeon keyring, even if it was to just shit Claude up. Adrian had brought a chemistry set with a note that stated 'if you shake the third mixture, it explodes. How fun! ;)'. Sebastian had brought them a premium blender, for Ronald's food. The other gifts contained clothes, as well as more blankets and pillows.

 Eric went to get the activity cards from the pack. He held two up, reading the one side. "Which is bigger? Eh? Which of wha'?"

 "There's ... pictures on the other side." Alan explained.

 "Well look at tha'. There is." Eric said, once he'd turned the card over. "Alright which is bigger." Ronald pointed. "Yup."

 He picked up the next card, of two cars. "Which is more blurry?" Point. "That's the one."

 He then held up cards, one with a dog and one with a sausage. "Which one do ya' put in ya' mouth?"

 "It says which one do you eat." Alan said, squinting at the writing on the back of the card.

 "This is Ronnie we're talkin' ta'." His blue eyes lit up, as he beamed at Eric and indicated which one he'd put in his mouth, poking his tongue out.

 "Haha. Yeah ... Al's gettin' good at tha' too."

 "Eric!"  
\----

 They used the cards for ten minutes more, before Eric asked. "You feelin' alright, mate? Ya' gone a bit pale." Ronald shrugged. "How can ya' not know?" He shrugged again. _Because I'm always feelin' fuckin' ill!_

 "Alright but if ya' start feelin' poorly, erm ... point ta' tha' windows and I'll call tha' doctor out." Ronald nodded. A _t least someone wants to communicate with me ... Instead of just getting mad and shouting. Why ... couldn't Claude just see that I wanted him to stay? I just wanted a cuddle._

 Eric wiped a trail of saliva from Ronald's chin with his thumb. "Man, ya' icy."

 "How can he be cold on ... a day like this? It's like 33 degrees outside."

 "Must be tha' body temp bein' out of whack thing tha' Claude mentioned."

 "But shouldn't he be hot then?"

 "Na. Probs' 'cause he's thinner than ya' now. Ya' was always cold before."

 "Yeah ... true. Ronnie ... which blanket do you want?" Ronald pointed to the Nightmare Before Christmas one and it was wrapped snuggly around him. "It'll ... be time for something ... to eat soon, Ronnie." The blonde's eyes went wide. _Please don't ... hurt me like Claude did. I don't ... want to be sick again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Medical research:  
> Quantities for feeding tubes.  
> Body heat after tbi.  
> Feeding tubes in baths. 
> 
> Next chapter. A bj. Hospital visits and coke. Plus flu.


	28. Refresher courses. (Adrian's dangerous driving.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emilie Autumn. - miss lucy had some leeches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May need to read my spin off chapter called 'food'. It'll make more sense then.

 Ronald's feeding tube was flushed through with water, before the syringe was filled with Paracetamol and shake. "I'll go real slow, okay buddy?" The blonde smiled at him. "And squeeze Al's hand when your ready for ya' next lot." Alan sat at his side, rubbing his back soothingly, as Eric slowly pushed 10mls in at a time.Once indicated, the next 60ml was given.

 Once done, Eric flushed the tube with water again and patted Ronald's head. "Time for tha' loo." Ronald's breath hitched and he shook his head quickly. "Nnn."

"No?" Ronald nodded. "Why not, mate?" Realising that Ronald wouldn't be able to answer that, he said "Ya' need ta' pee. Can't wait until Claude gets back at nine." The blonde frowned at him. "He's at a meeting." A small whine left his mouth, as he began to cry again. "Don't worry. We're decent company, right?"

 "Hhn."

 "Is that ... a yes?" Alan asked and Ronald nodded. "Okay ... so nnn is no and hnn yeah?" Another nod. "Cool."

 Eric went to get the catheter supplies, before returning. "It'll be over before ya' know it, promise."

 "N!" He whimpered, as Eric pulled his pj bottoms and boxers down.

 "It'll be fine, I promise." The catheter was prepped and inserted and Ronald breathed a sigh of relief. T _hat didn't hurt like ... last night. Claude ... must just like upsetting me. Maybe he's ... mad because he has to look after me now? I did ... all of this for him too. Trying to protect him, was it for nothing?_ Once done, Eric washed his hands and came back into the living room, hair brush in hand.

 "Ya' hair is so thick. Lucky bastard." He said, as he brushed Ronald's hair with care.

 "So is yours, Eric." Alan stated. "I'm the only one with hair like straw. Eric laughed at him. "Not like straw, babe. It's lovely and soft.

\-----

 A car horn beeped from outside. Sebastian and William had been at work and how the heck did Adrian pass his test?

 Sebastian had brought him a land rover and the three sat in the back. "Now hold onto your knickers or you may lose them when I turn a corner." Adrian giggled, as he pulled out of the street, music blaring.

_Miss Lucy had some leeches_  
_Her leeches liked to suck_  
_And when they drank up all her blood_  
_She didn't give a_  
_Funny when the doctors_  
_Had locked her in her cell_  
_Miss Lucy screamed all night that they_  
_Should go to bloody_  
_Hello to the surgeon_  
_With scalpel old and blunt_  
_He'll tie you to the table_  
_Then he'll mutilate your_  
_Come it's nearly teatime_  
_The lunatics arrive_  
_The keepers bleed them all until_  
_There's no one left a-._

 "Umm ... wha' is this shit?" Eric asked and then looked over at Ronald, who was beaming widely. "Do ya' know this song?" Ronald nodded. "Yeah, of course. Ya' got thousands of song lyrics in tha' noggin' of yours." He tapped on Ronald's head ever so gently and the blonde snuggled up to him.

 More tunes played, like Metalica and Bat Out Of Hell. Soon they were at the hospital, for Ronald's psychical therapy session. Eric and Alan were shown how to move Ronald's legs, to stop them from getting too stiff. Eric bent his knee and Ronald whimpered. "Does tha' hurt, mate?"

 "It's probably just a bit stiff and the muscles tense." The therapist said. They were then given exercises to do at home and Eric asked. "So what's his prognosis?"

 _Yeah! When can I play football again?!_ His eyes lit up with hope, only for it to be crushed. The therapist eyed the three of them. "At the moment, it doesn't seem likely that he will walk again. Not because of the shattered bones but because of the brain trauma. It pains me to say that Mr Knox has made less progress than we thought he would have by now."

 At hearing that, Ronald began to cry and Alan held his hand tenderly. "Things ... will improve. They didn't think you'd wake up ... but you proved them wrong." _Didn't you listen to a fuckin' word? Not going to walk again! Oh man ... I don't - fuck bein' stuck here._

\----

 At 5pm, they went for the dietician appointment, who worked closely with the speech therapist. Eric had brought the weight sheet with him. He was weighed again on a chair scale. "117."

 Eric frowned. "How has he lost 3lbs in a few days?"

 The therapist looked at him. "It is indeed a drastic loss. Have you any idea what Mr Knox used to eat on a daily basis?"

 "The house."

 "Details if you can, Mr Slingby."

 "Umm from wha' I've seen, one of those big packs of Skittles and a litre bottle of Boost for breakfast. Then Oreos."

 "About 15." Alan added.

 "Then like five or six rounds of cheese on toast and then a giant pack of cheese puffs. Later, I'd make him pizza swirls and he'd 'ave two big bars of chocolate and then I think about 12 Oreos, maybe more. Then a big plate of cheese and nachos and take out and Indian sweets."

 "At night it was a hot chocolate and I think he used to ... get up in the night too to eat." Alan said.

 The dietician totalled up a rough estimate on her calculator. "He didn't gain weight on this amount?"

 "Na. Not an ounce."

 "Are you quite sure?"

 "We are." Alan replied.

 "Well even without the night food, he's totally 8500 calories. As such, we will have to up his current intake, by about 500 a week. I will prescribe him some more liquid meals and change his feeding schedule to a strict two hourly one." _What's the point in that? I can't even fuckin' taste it! And without footie - just ... leave me alone to starve._

 "Alright. Thanks."

 They were then seen by the speech therapist but there was no improvement in his speech or swallowing.

 Sebastian picked them up and took them to the pharmacy. Eric had to collect the large pouches that had been prescribed, plus a change of feeding tubes and more Catheters.

 He didn't know how the dispensers there could read the scripts, as it looked like a paint bomb had been dropped onto the paper.

 They then went home and fed Ronald, before using the catheter. Alan put some anime theme tunes on Ronald's ipod, after figuring out what he meant when he kept pointing at the item.

\----

 As Sebastian drove home, he spotted Claude's car parked on the street. He'd obviously been to Hannah's again, who made enough money from selling drugs to get a house on a expensive street. He parked up and moved to tap on Claude's door. Claude opened it, half empty packet of Cocaine in hand.

 "Are you feeling okay?" Sebastian asked.

 Claude snorted. "Brilliant. This high is quite amazing."

 "Until it wears off."

 Claude laughed loudly. "That is very true."

 "Come inside. I'll fix you some dinner. You look as if you've lost weight again."

 "Of course I have. How can I have an appetite when my love nearly died? I am still fearful of losing him. Maybe his mind is already lost."

 "Chicken and potatoes it is."

\----

 He returned home at half 8, to find a very agitated Ronald being kept company by Alan and Eric. "How did tha' meeting go?"

 "I have to work overtime, after work on my work days from now on." Claude lied.

 Eric took Ronald upstairs, so Claude could feed him and the couple went to Eric's room.

 "Time for tha' refresher course?"

 "Sure." He bent down in front of the blonde, unbuttoning in his jeans and pulling them down around his ankles, along with his underwear. A hand moved up to stroke him, lips pressing kisses to his tip. Eric grunted, as a tongue was slid up the underside of him. Alan's mouth moved to suck on his end, before taking him into his mouth.

 "Ah." Alan began to deep throat him the best he could, sucking around him. Eric knew he wasn't going to last long with such treatment.

 "Al ... can I grab ya' hair?"

 Alan pulled away. "Okay." He sucked around him again and Eric gripped onto his short locks, hips bucking into his mouth.

 "Shit ... hmm. Can't believe ... I forgot about this." Alan's hand moved to play with his balls and then he pulled away, coating a finger and sliding it between Eric's butt cheeks. He licked him again, allowing Eric to make him deep throat him. The finger was pressed to his spot and he came, a loud moan slipping from him.

 Alan grabbed a tissue from his pocket and spat into it. "Don't like my taste?"

 "Too salty. Stop eating so many french ... fries."

 "Haha. Sorry, babe."

 "Eric ... can we use that oil again?"

 "Hell yeah."

\-----

 Half an hour later, Alan was rocking up and down on Eric, who was flat on his back, hands holding Alan's hips firmly. "Oooh ... mmmm ... Eric." His head fell back, shallow breaths leaving him. Eric thrust up into him powerfully, making Alan gasp and groan.

\---

 They weren't the only ones getting action. A few blocks away, Adrian was riding Sebastian in much the same way, university medical gown slipping off of his shoulders. "You ... feel marvelous as ... always." Sebastian breathed, before he released into his love. For _our anniversary tomorow, I shall be proposing._


	29. University days. (Poorly Ronnie.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Papa Roach - scars and last resort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guesses for the anime songs? If someone doesn't get them, I shall be saddened.
> 
>  
> 
> Wise words from a friend.  
> Plot twist. Little did you know that the reason the "Alan, what are you hiding?" trilogy exists is because in this universe there is a mysterious cursed object. This is a true fact. Alan found it when he was a wee little boy, then Al gave it to Ronald when Ron and Claude got engaged. After Ronald overdosed, Alan took the mysterious cursed object back from Ronald, because Ronald isn't allowed to have nice things (poor Ron!). Claude steals the mysterious cursed object from Alan (because he's Claude), keeps it himself for a little while, before giving it to Ronald. At the moment, Ronald still has the mysterious cursed object. Eric has yet to be affected by the curse because the necklace he used to wear granted him immunity to the curse, but he surrendered that immunity to Ronald at the hospital. The necklace's immunity had enough anticurse magic in it to wake Ronald from his coma before the life support machines were shut off, although not enough to completely heal Ron, because the necklace's magic had been used up making sure nothing bad ever happens to Eric, plus the curse on the mysterious cursed object is an extremely powerful curse to begin with. I would know. I have the mysterious cursed object in my possession right now and I can't get rid of it. Save me. Save me, please. I'm in Greece, and last night I was eaten by a whale that happened be swimming by the coast of Greece and I'm writing this chapter on my Samsung from the whale's stomach. Also, some of the curse rubbed off on Ronald when his sister died because Alan's family was visiting Bradford that weekend. The residual bad magic was the reason Ronald was assaulted and later lost his memory. Ronald was finally cured of the curse on his first day of college when he (literally) ran into Eric, coming in contact with the necklace, and regaining his ability retain his memory from that day forward :)

 The next time Claude heard Ronald singing was not long after his suicide attempt.

_Cut my life into pieces_  
_This is my last resort,_  
_Suffocation, no breathing_  
_Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding_  
_This is my last resort,_  
_Cut my life into pieces_  
_I've reached my last resort,_  
_Suffocation, no breathing_  
_Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding_  
_Do you even care if I die bleeding?_  
_Would it be wrong, would it be right?_  
_If I took my life tonight,_  
_Chances are that I might_  
_Mutilation out of sight_  
_And I'm contemplating suicide_  
_'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind_  
_Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine_  
_Losing my sight, losing my mind_  
_Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine_

 "I hope you are not considering a second suicidal attempt." He said, stepping into the room.

 "Na, babe. Jus' like tha' song." He started to sing another true.

_I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut_  
_My weakness is that I care too much_  
_And my scars remind me that the past is real_  
_I tear my heart open just to feel_  
_Drunk and I'm feeling down_  
_And I just wanna be alone_  
_I'm pissed cause you came around_  
_Why don't you just go home_  
_Cause you channel all your pain_  
_And I can't help you fix yourself_  
_You're making me insane_  
_All I can say is_  
_[Chorus:]_  
_I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut_  
_My weakness is that I care too much_  
_And our scars remind us that the past is real_  
_I tear my heart open just to feel_  
_I tried to help you once_  
_Against my own advice_  
_I saw you going down_  
_But you never realized_  
_That you're drowning in the water_  
_So I offered you my hand_  
_Compassions in my nature_  
_Tonight is our last stand_

 "You are a Papa Roach fan?"

 The blonde quirked an eye brow. "How do y' know 'bout them?"

 "Because I am also a fan. They have been going for many years. I used to listen to them."

 "When?"

 "I was in a rebellious stage." He moved to the bookshelf and retrieved a photo album. He opened it and showed a photograph to Ronald, of himself wearing leather, thick eyeliner and black lipstick applied. His hair was in a mohawk, black spikes with red tips.

 "Fuckin' hell. Y' wearin' tighter leather pants than Grell. Nearly pissed myself laughin'. Wear somethin' like tha' in tha' bedroom one day."

 "Of course." They never did get chance to play out that fantasy.

\----

 "Hnn." Claude placed kisses to Ronald's neck, fingers rubbing his stomach in a comforting manner.

 "You look unwell." He stated, as the catheter was pushed in a few minutes later, making the boy whimper in pain. "If you have not regained some colour by tomorow, I shall phone the doctors."

 "Hnn."

 "I love you, Ronald." He said, as he came back from disposing of the catheter.

 Ronald pointed to his heart and then to Claude's. "Does that mean that you love me also?" Ronald nodded and Claude smiled. "Let's put your music on and get to bed." He clothed Ronald and helped him into bed.

 Two songs played on repeat and he was sure he'd be singing them at work the next time he was scheduled in. He cursed Alan's soul to hell for such misery.

_Seid ihr das Essen? Nein, wir sind der Jäger!_  
_Fumareta hana no namae mo shirazu ni_  
_Chi ni ochita tori wa kaze o machiwabiru_  
_Inotta tokoro de nani mo kawaranai_  
_Ima o kaeru no wa tatakau kakugo da..._  
_Shikabane fumikoete Susumu ishi o warau buta yo_  
_Kachiku no annei ...Kyogi no han'ei ...Shiseru garō no "Jiyū" o!_  
_Torawareta kutsujoku wa hangeki no kōshi da Jōheki no sono kanata emono o hofuru Jäger_  
_Hotobashiru shōdō ni sono mi o yaki nagara Tasogare ni hi o ugatsu——_  
_Guren no yumiya_

It skipped to the next song.

_Slit the throat of reason and reality_  
_Cut myself and scream for their insanity_  
_Wake up to this nightmare that will never end_  
_The main attraction of this twisted master plan_  
_Trust nothing but pain to get me_  
_through the daze_  
_Sleep with one eye open not to be their prey_  
_Fist against my face they bring me to my knees_  
_The pressure's crushing down so hard_  
_I can't break free_  
_When I can feel my skin crawl_  
_When I'm about to crack_  
_The hunger for revenge_  
_gives me strength to stand_  
_I will be your deadman_  
_With nothing but this blood on my hands_  
_Stuck in your "wonderland"_  
_I just want to make you bleed like me_

 Ronald pined for attention all night, whimpering and tossing and turning. Claude would promptly turn him back onto his non - tubed side. "What is the matter?"

 "Nnn!"

 "Feeling unwell?"

 "Hnn!"

 He pressed his hand to Ronald's forehead. "Oh, my. You have a terrible fever."

 "N!"

 He moved from the bed, much to Ronald's disdain, coming back with a damp cloth. He rolled Ronald over onto his back, placing the item to his head. "I shall definitely phone the doctors." He looked at the clock. "In a few hours."

\-----

 The next morning, Eric and Alan were having breakfast. "Can't believe I start university next week."

 "I know ... it's gone so quick. I don't ... think I will be going back next year. I'm ... enjoying commissions far ... too much." Alan took a sip of milkshake.

 "Well, if that's wha' makes ya' happy." The blonde was doing a full time course, moving his work to Saturday and Sunday. It had saddened Alan, being unable to spend much time with him soon.

 At that moment, a frantic looking Claude came down the stairs, grabbing the number for the doctors off of the fridge. "Is everythin' alright?" Eric asked.

 "Ronald is extremely ill. He's just had a seizure."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter.  
> Ronald's past has the last piece of the puzzle fitting into place.  
> Cake feeds.  
> Doctors.  
> Titan being a cutie.


	30. Love stage. (Stop trying to pull it out!)

****Ronald's past****

 As he woke back up, he found himself on his stomach, pain shooting up his back. "You were right, Jacob. He's a tight little slut."

 The next time Ronald saw those two, he punched them both in the face. He could remember it all now and it just made him feel like even more of a slut. Maybe everyone was right and he really was.

 Little did he know that they followed him to his aunt's one day, for revenge, thinking it was his parents home. As he left, they set the house ablaze, killing both his aunt and uncle. The perpetrators were never caught. 

\-----

****Present****

 Alan was up the stairs in an instant, Eric following behind him. Claude called the doctor, as he lit a spliff and stepped into the garden.

 Pushing the door open, Alan entered the room and then so did the blonde. They found Ronald lying on the top of the bed, striped down to just his boxers. His skin was pale and sweaty. "Nnn." He managed weakly, as Alan sat on the edge of the bed and he reached up a shaking hand to touch Alan's cheek.

 "It's ... okay, Ronnie ... the doctor will be here soon, to make ... you feel better."

 "Hhn."

 "Yeah, Claude's jus' phonin' them now." Eric added.

\------

 The doctor was called and said that Ronald had the flu, so only oral rehydration satchels were given. They would have to be mixed with water and then given via the ng tube.

 Eric then headed to work and began stocking the shelves. "I can't believe it's your last day at work." Doll sighed. "I'm gunna' miss ye'."

 "Na. I'm still gunna' work weekends."

 "I don't work weekends."

 "Then pop over ta' my house sometime."

 Doll smiled. "Yeah, okay. Awesome. How's your friend doing?"

 "Who, Ronnie? He's poorly right now with tha' flu."

 "Aww, that's a shame. Body's are amazing things but once they faulter, that's it. My eyes were fine one day and then I woke up blind in one the next."

 "Yeah but he'll ge' better. I know he will."

\------

 Eric came home just after three and grabbed a piece of cake for Ronnie. He mixed it in a blender with cream and milk, as well as chocolate syrup.

 He then made another batch with Sebastian's cake and added a few strawberries and milk, before boiling the sweets down into a syrup and adding that. He left both containers in the fridge until Ronald could have them later.

\-----

 "Ronald! Stop trying to pull the tube out! I know that you are all hot and bothered but you still need nutrition, before you lose more weight."

 "Nnn." His hand raised to his nose again but was quickly snatched away by Claude.

 "Stop it!" Ronald whined softly and Claude bent down to kiss him on the forehead. "Come on now, stop being silly." Finally, he was able to begin tube feeding.

\----

 The next day, Claude was at work and Ronald was sitting in the living room with Alan, Eric on the other side of the sofa. Alan flicked through one of his yaoi comics. "Hhn!" Ronald pointed to a drawing.

 "You think ... he's cute?" Ronald nodded. "He's called Izumi." Alan flicked to the next page, of a man in just an apron, bottom on show.

 "Hnn!" He point again.

 "His name is Rei."

 "He kinda' looks like Claude, don't ya' think?"

 Eric asked and Ronald nodded, before pointing again and then pointing at Alan. "Ya' think Al should wear somethin' like tha' for me?" Another nod.

 "Ronnie!" Eric laughed at Alan, before getting up to get Ronald's cake blend. Titan jumped up onto the sofa then, resting his head on Ronald's lap. The blonde smiled and stroked him, before his hand jerked and he accidently tugged on Titan's fur. _Damn, sorry boy_. Titan made no noise, instead turning his head to lick Ronald's other hand.

 "Okay, which cake do ya' want? Batman or Sebastian's?" Eric asked, holding the two containers a foot apart. Ronald pointed at the Batman one. He smiled slightly as it entered his stomach. _Just wish I could taste it!_

\-----

Claude finished work and headed to Hannah's house. It was time for some more Cocaine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research needed:  
> Blending cakes  
> Plus info from a friend on how to do so.


	31. Love stage: back stage.  (Irate.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm love stage. My junk can't take the wait for the next volume :(

 Sebastian was waiting for him, just down the road from Hannah's home, sad smile planted on thin lips. "Come now. What help will you be to the boy if you turn into a drug addict?"

 "How I deal with my sorrow is my own business and no one else's." Claude pushed passed him, knocking on Hannah's door. Money and Cocaine exchanged, he headed for his car but a hand grabbed him by the wrist.

 "Would you like to have dinner with us tonight?"

 "Not hungry."

 "Don't be foolish. You look just as frail and pale as he is right now." Claude eyed him and he added. "If you really must snort that vulgar substance, then at least do it at mine. It is not safe in your car, you could be robbed or murdered or-."

 "Fine."

\----

 Once the high had worn off, he rested his head against the back of the sofa. "Are you feeling alright?" Sebastian asked.

 The other man shook his head. "No, I am worried for Ronald. He kept attempting to pull his feeding tube out. I worry if he carries on, the doctors will insist on having a peg inserted."

 "Do you know why?"

 "Don't be a moron. He can't talk. How an earth am I supposed to ask?"

 "Other forms of communication then?"

 Claude shook his head. "We have already tried to get him to hold a pen. His spasms are too severe. He can't pick anything up without it dropping."

 Sebastian smiled at him. "I am sure that you will figure out another means of understanding him. Now come on, don't dwell on such things for now. We have salmon tonight."

\-----

 The news of Sebastian's and Adrian's engagement had spread quickly and so had everyone's future plans. Grell was now studying performing arts and Alisha was helping Finnian with his landscape gardening, drawing the design out once he had told her his ideas. In between that, she had a part time job at a café.

 Luna had also gone to university and Adrian was still carrying down the long path to become a mortician. Eric was enjoying his course so far.

 Ronnie was currently on a course of antibiotics, his flu having caused a chest infection. He'd also been given hydrocortisone cream, as the tape on his nose was beginning to cause a rash. People had come to visit him but he'd been in bed for the past week, coughing and being sick as a result.

 Claude was getting more irate as the days passed, waiting for his next work day, so he could get his fix.

\-----

 "Ronald! For the love of God, let go of me!" Ronald tugged on his suit shirt harder and Claude heard it tear. He quickly ripped Ronald's arm from his shirt, not caring that the blonde yelped in pain. "This was my best shirt, you delinquent!" Ronald began to cry.  
"I'm fed up of all your tears. Get a grip already or I shall put you back in the hospital as an inpatient."

 "Nnn!"

 Claude quickly changed his shirt. "Do you not understand that I need to work? Do you want to end up homeless? Because I doubt anyone else would want to look after you in this condition."

 "N ... Nnn."

 "And if I hear about you pulling on that blasted tube today, you're sleeping on your own tonight."

 With that, he left. Eric had been listening to the whole conversation from outside. "Kinda' harsh, man."

 "He is getting on my last nerve." Claude spat.

 "Maybe it's because ya' haven't snorted coke today? Ronnie kept pointin' to tha' sugar jar in tha' kitchen and then his nose. That's wha' he means, right? Ain't Weed enough anymore?"

 "I advise you to keep out of other people's business."

 "Ya' not doin' any of us any good by snorting tha' shit."

 Claude didn't answer, instead heading downstairs and then to work.

\----

 Later that day, Claude returned home in a foul mood. "Claude, want me ta' help Ronnie pee or do ya' wanna do it?"

 The elder turned to go outside. "Let him do it himself."

 "Ya' know tha' he can't do-."

 "Well I'm sick of listening to his whining. I'm sick of getting no sleep. I'm sick of all of this!" He entered the garden. Eventually he'd calmed down and the two were now upstairs, for Ronald's last feed of the day.

\---

 Eric entered the kitchen and felt himself grow hard instantly. Alan had his back to him, thin, long sleeved t-shirt on under an apron that didn't cover his bottom. Long fishnets covered almost all of his legs and thighs, to hide his scars.

 "Holy ... shit."

 Alan didn't turn around. "Do ... you like it?"

 "Hell yes." Quick strides took him behind Alan, lips attaching to the back of his neck. His hands slid down to squeeze his pert bottom. "Hmm ... ya' look delicious." He slid down onto his knees, biting softly on the skin.

 "Hmm ... Eric ... lube ... kitchen table."

 He pulled away. "Someone came prepared."

 Alan blushed. "Umm ... I've been fantasising about it ... ever since I read it on ... love stage."

 Eric grabbed the lube. "Well let's see if I remember how ta' play this scene out."

 "Can we ... role play as them?"

 "Sure but then I'm gunna' keep imaginin' bangin' Claude."

 "Well ... you're not. The only person ... you're banging is me."

 Eric smirked, opening the cap of the lube. "How possessive. Now stick out ya' ass for me, Rei."

 Alan gripped the edge of the counter for support, as he pushed his hips back. Eric lubed the fingers of his one hand up, other hand sliding between Alan's parted legs to rub him. "Hmm ... Shougo!" The first finger was pushed in and Alan pressed his hips back further. "M ... more." Eric added the second, stretching him carefully. He did this for a few minutes, before his third finger slid in.

 Ten minutes later, Eric pulled his fingers out, Alan having already climaxed once. "Rei ... I'm gunna' start. Do ya' want it rough?"

 "I'm facing away from you ... so yes."

 Eric pulled himself from his clothes and coated himself. Holding Alan's hips, he slid in all the way. "Ah ... Shougo ... so good!" After being gentle for a minute or so, he pulled all the way out and slammed back in. "S ... shit."

\----

 They spent the next few hours licking the cookie dough Alan had made off of each other, Alan still fully clothed, between sessions. Eric turned around from the dough bowl. "How's about one more go before bed?"

 He saw Alan sprawled out on the table, where he'd stayed after being pounded on top of it, fast asleep. He dropped the spoon back into the bowl and scooped Alan up. "Ah, Rei. My poor baby, all exhausted like tha'."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh Alan is getting sassy.


	32. Car crashes (and more car crashes.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An angry Claude is a mean Claude.

Claude was exhausted. He'd had only a few hours sleep a night for the past few weeks, Ronald being ill constantly. One chest infection and cold after another. His coke habit was becoming a real issue now, his anger erupting when he couldn't go to Hannah's after work.

 It didn't help that Ronald kept pulling his tube out, with great effort for spasming muscles. Claude had stopped trying to put it back in. He wasn't gentle enough and kept hurting the blonde. Therefore, he'd just administer the Diazepam and let Alan push the tube back into place and check its position.

\-----

 Claude walked into the living room, to find that Ronald had pulled it out again, a small nose bleed tricking down his face. That's when he lost the last bit of composure he had. "Ronald!" The boy flinched through his shakes and Claude moved over to him quickly, once he had grabbed a Diazepam that was kept in the drawer of the room. Others were dotted in the kitchen and bedroom, for when they were needed.

 Grabbing the boy by his t-shirt, he pulled him down onto the floor with ease. The boy yelped as his back hit the carpet. "Nnn!"

 Claude moved down and pulled his pj bottoms and boxers down with more force than needed. They were then removed and he sat between Ronald's parted legs. "Nnn!"

 "Shut up! If you hadn't of pulled it out for the third time today, we wouldn't be in this mess!" The tube's packaging was removed and his leg lifted. Ronald tried to sit up by himself, to push Claude away but his brain wouldn't allow It.

 His eyes went wide, tears slipping down the sides of his face, as the nozzle of the tube entered him. Claude put his clothes back on and picked him up carelessly, dropping him back onto the sofa with a small thump. He stormed from the room, slamming the door and leaving Ronald there to sob silently.

\-----

 Meanwhile, Eric and Alan were in a car. Eric was trying to learn to drive, so he could take Ronald to the hospital himself. "Okay." Sebastian said. "Now put your foot on the excellerator." Eric put his foot down, with a bit too much force and they ended up crashing into a tree. Alan shrieked from his position in the back seat and nearly wet himself.

 "Ah, shit. Sorry 'bout ya' car." Eric said, as he got out and observed the damage.

 "It is quite alright. Practice will make perfect but I think that is enough for today, before your poor partner succumbs to shock."

 "Good point."

\-----

 Entering the living room, they found Ronald slumped against the arm of the sofa, sobs wracking his small frame. The tubing was on the other side of the seat. Alan moved over to him, pulling him back into a upright sitting position. "Ronnie ... you need to stop pulling his out. You're going to ... hurt yourself." He grabbed some wet wipes from the coffee table and wiped the blood from the blonde's nose. "I'll ... have to put this in ... the other nostril now."

"Nnn!" _Why does no one understand that I just want to die? Stop forcing me to be stuck here!_

 "Yes ... Ronnie." Alan left the room, to collect a new tube kit and Eric stayed with Ronald, pulling him into a gentle, sideways hug.

 "Come on buddy, stop cryin'."

 Alan came back into the room and put his gloves on. "Did Claude ... already give you your ... Diazepam?"

 "Hnn."

 Eric tilted Ronald's head back slightly and the tube was eased in slowly, until it was in position, Ronald holding Eric's hand for support. Once it was checked and found to be in the stomach, Alan said "All ... done."

\------

 The next morning, Ronald had been brought downstairs and Claude sat next to him on the sofa. The blonde placed a shaky hand on Claude's crotch and rubbed it. "Ronald, stop that." The boy gave it as gentle a squeeze as he could. "Bloody stop! I told you yesterday that we aren't doing things like that anymore."

 Ronald whined, hand moving to slide into Claude's trousers. His wrist was quickly grabbed with bruising force and threw back onto his own lap. "If I have to tell you one more time, you will be sleeping alone like last night." _Why though? All I want is for you ... to make love to me. I miss it ... so much._

 Ronald moved his arm again but was shoved away, smacking his elbow on the sofa arm. "Why do you keep being a nuisance? Are you trying to get yourself put into care?"

 "N...Nnn."

 "Then I suggest you behave." He walked off and pushed passed Eric, as he was about to enter the living room. The blonde followed him into the kitchen.

 "What's up?"

 "Nothing."

 "Come on, tell me."  
With a sigh, Claude stated "Ronald keeps trying to initiate sex."

 "Yeah, and?"

 "What do you mean and? There is no way I'm going-."

 "Why?! Because he's disabled? Jus' because he can't walk doesn't -."

 "Of course not. He could be disfigured and I'd still want him. It is the fact that he's really is now just a boy."

 "Huh?"

 Claude put his shoes on for work. "He now has the mindset of a child. It's quite clear to see from all the tantrums he has. I will not sleep with a child."

 "Na. That's definitely still Ronnie. Same cheeky chap as always."

 "No-."

 "Yeah, it is. Jus' because he can't talk doesn't mean he's got a kid's mind now. Me and Al can still tell tha' he's tha' same."

 "Until he can communicate, I will keep my opinion on this."

 "He never used to say anything. He'd jus' jump on ya' dick half tha' time."

 "This is different. Now, I have to go to work." He turned to leave the kitchen and the door slamming behind him was a sign that he had left for his car.

 Getting into the seat, he put his head against the steering wheel. _If only he could speak. Ugh ... This work day will be the death of me._ He started the engine and pulled out of the drive, his eyes already slipping shut from tiredness. Thanks to Ronald, he'd forgotten to have his morning coffee.

\----

 Half an hour later, Eric was just about to head to university, when his phone rang. He spoke to the person on the other end, before ending the call and turning to Alan. "Al ... Claude's had a car accident ... he..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research on tube issues for the nosebleed.


	33. Can't keep going like this.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shannon Loll - lift 
> 
> Also thanks blackbutlerfan13 for the bookmark.

_I know you're hurting_  
_Feels like you're learning_  
_'Bout life the hard way_  
_And it ain't working_  
_Seems like forever_  
_That you've been falling_  
_It's time to move on_  
_You're life is calling, yeah_  
_This was never meant to be the end_  
_Close the book and start again_  
_[CHORUS]_  
_Cause I know how hard it can get_  
_But you gotta lift_  
_You gotta lift_  
_And sometimes that's how it is_  
_But I know you're stronger_  
_Stronger than this_  
_You gotta lift_  
_You gotta lift_  
_When you can feel your_  
_Whole body's aching_  
_What's left of your heart_  
_It won't stop breaking_  
_You gotta let go_  
_You took a hit_  
_Time to pick up now_  
_Move on from this_  
_This was never meant to be the end_  
_Close the book and start again_  
_[CHORUS]_  
_Cause I know how hard it can get_  
_But you gotta lift_  
_You gotta lift_

 That song that Ronald had song rang true somehow, as Claude drove down his street. He had to try to be stronger than he was being now. He had to kick this drug habit. It would be easy for him, as he didn't feel addicted. It was just the simple fact that he didn't quite want to give it up. Things were just too damn hard right now.

 Eric's words also played on his mind. He knew that Ronald wanted to be intimate, of course he did. It was what had first brought them together and though it wasn't the most important thing in their relationship, it was a big part of it. They both loved every moment of their love making, whether it be rough or slow and tender. Whether Claude pounded into his lover with all his might or went at a slowly pace, delighting in the feel of every inch of Ronald.

 He just needed to hear it from the blonde. That he wanted it. That he was mature enough to understand it. Sebastian had been right, they would eventually figure out some form of communication and such a matter would be solved. With that thought, he slipped into an exhausted sleep, his car crashing straight into a lamppost.

\----

"Nnn!" _No! Please tell me he's okay! Tell me he isn't...._ His hands scrambled to tug on Alan's jumper.

 "He's okay, buddy. Just a few cuts and bruises, I think. I'll go and ge' him. Guess I'm not goin' ta' university today." Eric said, moving over to Ronald and ruffling his hair. Ronald pointed to the door of the living room.

 "Na. Ya' stay here with Al."

 "Nnn!"

 "You've spent long enough in tha' hospital. I'll bring Claude back ta' ya' quick. I pinky promise. His looped his finger with Ronald's shaking one. "Be right back." With that, he left the house and hailed a taxi to the hospital. He didn't want Ronald having to be in there again but more than that, he needed to speak to Claude alone.

 A while later, he entered Claude's room. "How ya' doin'?"

 "I'm fine." The elder said. "Just a strained wrist and bloodied nose. I'm thankful that my back didn't suffer again."

 "Good. Claude ... ya' can't keep doin' this."

 "And what is the this you are referring to?"

 "Tryin' ta' look after Ronnie all on ya' own."

 He glared at Eric. "As I have stated before, this is my problem and mine alone."

 "No. I'm ta' blame too for not coming back home quicker tha' night. Ya' haven't gotta' face this alone. Me and Al can see tha' ya' really tired, tha' ya' not copin' well."

 "I suppose you are right." He sighed. "But wha' other choice do I have? Ronald is completely dependent on the care of others."

 "Me and Al can look after him too and not jus' when ya' are at work. Plus, if ya' need, we can ge' a carer ta' come inta' help him."

 "No! I don't want anyone but his family touching him. Understood?"

 "Yeah ... okay. Me and Al will have him in our room every other night then. So ya' can ge' some sleep."

 "That is foolish. I would never let him back into the room that he nearly died in. I won't even venture in there myself."

 Eric thought for a moment. "Alright. Well, we do have a double bed in tha' spare bedroom."

 "That will do. I suppose you are right. I cannot keep going like this, taking my anger and exhaustion out on Ronald. I know he doesn't deserve it. It is just so frustrating when he pulls his tube out and I have no idea why."

 "Yeah, I ge' tha' completely. I used ta' ge' mad when Alan wouldn't eat."

 "At least he told you the reason for it. Ronald cannot."

 "He didn't actually tell me until the day Ciel hurt him."

 "Oh." Claude was slightly surprised by that. "I see." And yes, before you state as such, I know I must stop snorting Cocaine and I will."

 "Do ya' need like rehab or somethin'?'

 "No. I think with a bit of the pressure lifted that I will be fine."

 "Good! Now how's 'bout we ge' outta' here?"

 A small smile appeared on his face. "That would be wonderful and ... thank you for your ongoing support."

 "That's wha' family is for." 

\------

 When they got back, Alan was still in the living room, with a very distressed Ronald. When the blonde saw him enter the room, he reached his arms out to him, before they both jerked violently back. Alan moved and Claude took his place, pulling Ronald onto his lap and winching slightly as weight was put on his wrist. "Hhn!"

 "Did you miss me, Ronald?"

 Ronald nodded, before his head jolted back and he whimpered. "His tremours have been really bad ... for the past half an hour. I think ... it's because he was ... worried about you." Alan said.

 "You have no reason to worry. I am perfectly alright." Ronald clung to him, arms wrapped tightly around his neck. As he rubbed his back, he said "and I know things have been a bit tense between us as of late and I am sorry for that. I shouldn't take my dismay for this situation out on you. I won't again."

 "Hhn." Ronald nuzzled his face into the elder's neck, making him smile.

 "Always so affectionate, even with an old grouch like me. You just need a bit of loving attention, don't you?"

 "Hnn."

 Claude pulled him closer, kissing the top of his head. "Now snog!" Eric cheered and Ronald looked up, his tears beginning to dry.

 He beamed at Claude, who smiled back. The man cupped the back of Ronald's head, to steady it and pressed his lips to the other's. It was the first kiss they had shared since Ronald's attack.

 The blonde opened his mouth, letting Claude slip his tongue inside, fingers tangling in his hair. A trickle of saliva ran from Ronald's mouth and Claude just kissed him deeper, earning a muffled "Hmmmm."

 Eric smiled at Alan. "Well check those love birds out."


	34. Kisses. (Three in a bed.)

 Comas were a strange thing, at least for Ronald. He could hear people talking and feel their touches. He had even heard Soma talking to him, when he was at the hospital after his drug overdose.  


 "I am very sorry for causing you so much pain, my ivory prince. Never again will I let my greed and power get someone hurt. Once you wake up, I shall make sure no more harm comes to you. We can be happy together, I am certain of it. I can feel the Gods looking down on us."  


\------Present.  


 A delivery came to the house a short time later. It was a chair for the bathroom, from a company that specialised in mobility aids, to be used so that they wouldn't have to keep carrying Ronald to the bedroom to dry and clothe him.  


 Eric set the chair up and then came back downstairs to take Ronald for a bath. Once Claude had ran it and undressed him, Eric scooped him up and placed him in the bath. "Gimme a ring when ya' need him liftin' again. Don't want ya' wrist gettin' any worse."  


 "Thank you."  


 Claude undressed and slid behind Ronald in the bath, legs at either side of him. He traced his hands over Ronald's back, feeling his ribs and spine through a thin layer of skin. _No doubt you have lost more weight since the last weigh in._  


 Ronald whined softly and Claude wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer. He kissed Ronald's shoulder. "Hhn."  


 "Does that please you?"  


 "Hnn." Claude kissed the skin for a while longer, before beginning to clean him. Once they were both washed, he got out of the bath, dried and dressed himself and then phoned Eric.  


 Ronald was lifted from the bath and placed in the chair. Once Claude had toweled him off and got him dressed, Eric took him downstairs.  


\-----  


 Later that day, Alan and Eric were taking another driving lesson, Sebastian having now fixed his car. It had ended with Eric smashing up against the curb and one of the wheel caps coming off.  


 Meanwhile, Claude had just entered the house from the garden, having finished a spliff. He didn't want to smoke it around Ronald, incase the drug had a negative effect on him.  


 As he entered the living room, he found that Ronald had pulled his tube out again. Sighing, he made his way over to him and knelt down in front of him. "Ronald, please stop pulling this out." He said softly.  


 Ronald whimpered and he left to grab some cream. Coming back, he rubbed a thin layer onto his cheek. "At least this rash is clearing and you seem to be over the worst of your cold."  


 "Hnn."  


 "Things look to be improving but you need to be fed. I don't want you losing any might weight, okay?" Ronald nodded, his body spasming again. "You're not due another meal for another hour and a half, so we can leave it out until Alan gets back." He moved the tubing onto the coffee table.  


 "Hnn." Claude knelt up, pressing his lips to Ronald's. The younger slid a shaking hand up Claude's shirt and Claude held it there, so that it wouldn't jerk away. He pulled away, to pull Ronald's top down slightly and kiss along his collar bones. After a while, he stroked Ronald's cheek.  


 "Things will get better in time. Even if psychically you do not improve by a great deal, happier times will come. We will settle into a proper routine and though our future will not be as we expected, it will still be joyous."  


 "Hnn."  


 "You have my word on that."  


\------  
 Ronald's bare leg was lifted. "Nnn!"  


 "I know it's not pleasant but Alan is back now. The tube has to be put back into place."  


 Ronald's eyes filled with tears. "Nnn." The nozzle of the tube was inserted. "N! Nnn! N ..Nnn!"  


 "I know, I know. I am sorry." The drug was pressed into him and the tube removed. 

 Claude pulled his clothes back on and sat next to him on the sofa, stroking the back of his head. "Shush. It's okay, Ronald." The younger grabbed onto his shirt, burying his head into the fabric, as his convulsions began to cease. "Shhh. Everything will be okay."  


\----  


 That night, Eric slid under the covers, kissing the inside of Alan's thighs. The smaller man wasn't in the mood for sex and Eric was fine with that, instead loving the softness of Alan's skin.  


 "Hmm ... Eric?"  


 "Yeah?"  


 'We need to get the ... spare room sorted for Ronnie."

 "True. Ya'' jus' relax here and I'll ge' it set up."  


\-----  


 In the next room, Claude slid the shirt off of Ronald's shoulders and then unbuttoned the last few, opening the material. He pressed kisses to Ronald's chest and neck. 

 "Hmmmm."  


 Claude pulled away to speak. "Eric and Alan are going to look after you tonight. They said that I need to get some sleep."  


"Hhn." _I never meant to keep you awake ...._  


 "Is that okay?" Ronald nodded. "Very well."  


\----  


 Once his pj's were on and he'd been fed his last meal, Eric took him and his ipod to the spare room. "Made it nice and warm for ya'." He said, lifting the covers up and placing Ronnie down next to a material covered hot water bottle. The blonde pulled the bottle closer and snuggled into the bed. Alan came into the room, hot chocolate in hand and smiled at Eric.  


 Later, Eric found himself on his back, Alan cuddled into his one side and Ronald the other. He had one arm wrapped around each of them and the two smaller men each had a hand ontop of Eric's chest, Alan's placed over Ronald's . Songs played quietly in the room. 

 "Could get used ta' this set up." The larger man said.  


 Alan giggled. "Perv."  


 After a few hours, Eric turned to Alan. "Hey, Al? Ya' asleep?"  


 "No, not yet."  


 "Look at this. Ronnie's finally sleepin' for a change." He brushed the hair out of Ronald's eyes. "Kinda' cute when he's asleep." He looked at Alan and added "but not as cute as ya'."  


 Alan smiled at him. "It's just nice that ... he's sleeping. Your bear hugs must work."


	35. Thin fights. (Nail painting.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit of Ronnie/ Alan cuteness.

 The next day, Claude helped place Ronald in the passenger seat of his car. Alan was at Luna's and Eric at university, so he had to lift Ronald with his wrist still hurting. He didn't want to use the wheelchair, as he knew Ronald didn't like to sit in one.

 The appointment hadn't gone well, Ronald now down to 112 pounds. He'd now have to intake four thousand calories, as stated by the dietician. "I really hope this will stabilise your weight." Claude stated. "I am growing quite concerned."

 "Hnn."

\------

 Later that day, Grell and Alisha were in the living room with Ronald. Claude had gone to lie down for a short while. "Hmm, what colour would you like?" Grell asked, pulling a bag of nail polish from her page.

 "Purple!" Alisha smiled widely.

 Ronald was sitting there, trying to resist the urge to pull his tube out. _I shouldn't ... Claude will be upset like he was earlier. But still ... I don't want to be here. Even if Claude thinks we can be happy ... I hate being stuck like this._

 Then he remember a conversation from his past.

_"Blondie, can I paint your nails?" Rachel asked, from her position on the hospital bed._

_"Umm ... why?" Ronald asked._

_"It'll keep my hands busy, so I won't want ta' pull my feedin' tube out."_

_"Y' shouldn't be pullin' it out anyway, y' need foo- fine. Paint away."_

_She grinned at him. "Thanks Blondie, which design?"_

_"Batman. It's y' fault, man, gettin' me inta' all tha' marvel comics."_

_"True."_

_Once painted, it was his turn to grin. "Looks awesome."_

_"Now do mine. Somethin'' ta' do wi' Harley Quinn, please."_

_"Sure."_

 Once Grell had done Alisha's nails, Ronald pointed at himself. "Hnn!" He pointed to the nail polish and back at himself again.

 "You want yours painting?" Grell asked and Ronald nodded. "Plain colour block or design?" Ronald pointed down to his Batman pj bottoms. "Batman logo?" He nodded again.

 "Of course, Darling."

 Ten minutes later, his finger nails were painted and so were his toes. His toe nails had pink and purple stripes on them. Ronald clapped his hands together and grinned. "Do you like it, dear?"

 "Hnn!"

\-----

 Just over an hour later, Alan and Eric were in the kitchen, Claude still in bed. "I'm worried 'bout Ronnie. He's a lot thinner than you now."

 "Yeah ... because I got fat."

 Eric frowned at him. "No ya' not. Jus' 'cause ya' ain't deathly thin now-."

 "Then why do you ... keep saying he's thinner than me?! Why do you have to ... keep bringing it up!?

 "'Cause I'm worried for his health, he's really thin!"

 "And I'm a lot fatter than him now, right?" Alan looked away, tears pricking at his eyes. "I'm huge."

 "No, ya'-."

"Yes, I am!"

 With that, he stormed from the room. Ronald had overheard the conversation, from his spot in the living room and threw the remote Alan's way, as he made his way to the hall and stairs. The blonde cursed himself, as the remote flew the opposite way but at least it had the intended affect and caught Alan's attention.

 As Alan looked at Ronald, he motioned with his arms for Alan to come over. The brunette did and Ronald opened his arms for a hug. Alan smiled softly, sitting on the sofa and moving into Ronald's arms, where he was pulled into a shaky hug. With much effort, he wiped Alan's newly fallen tears away and shook his head.

 Alan understood. "I know, I shouldn't be crying. It's just ... do you ever feel like your ... partner doesn't really understand you?" Ronald nodded and held him tighter. "Thank you for understanding ... and for being here ... for me."

 "Hnn!" _Always will be, kid. We've been through much of the same. Like I said in ... that video, I'll always be here for y' and Eric. I'd still die for y' both._

\------

 They stayed cuddled up for half an hour, before Eric came out of the kitchen and sat next to them, squeezing into the tiny bit of space left. "I'm sorry for upsettin' ya', Al. I really didn't mean ta'. I don't think ya' fat at all. Ya' fuckin' gorgeous."

 "I know .... you didn't mean it like that. Sometimes though ... I still find eating hard."

 "Well talk ta' me 'bout it, don't bottle things up. It does ya' no good."

 "Yeah ... you're right."

 "Still love me?"

 Alan smiled. "Always."

 The blonde looked at his phone. "Time for somethin' ta' eat, Ronnie. Jus' made ya' blended up apple pie."

 Ronald beamed at him. _Awesome! If only ... I could taste it._


	36. Beautiful. (What's my age again?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spin off chapter 'food' may be of some use.

 That night, Eric and Alan were in bed. It was Claude's turn to have Ronnie for the night and Eric was planting kisses to Alan's neck and collar bones. "So beautiful, Al." The brunette's face was already flushed from being kissed and cuddled for over an hour. "Ya' jus' so beautiful. I don't think I tell ya' tha' enough."

 Alan smiled softly. "Thank you ... Eric."

\-----

 Over the next few weeks, Ronald had been fed 4000-5000 calories daily and finally his weight had stabilised at 112lb (Bmi 16.5). He'd had another two colds in that time but had now recovered.

 "Nnn." Ronald whined, as his 6pm feed was completed.

 "What is the matter, my angel?" Claude asked. Ronald pointed to his stomach, a look of discomfort on his face. "Feeling bloated again?" A nod confirmed this. "It's probably because you've been having a lot more volume than you were at the beginning."

 Once cleaning the syringe and storing it, he moved back into the living room. Ronald was holding his stomach now, tears sliding down his face. Claude sat next to him and pulled his hand away. His own hand rested on Ronald's stomach lightly. "Yes, you're quite bloated." He began to rub his tummy in small, slow, circular motions. "Let's try to get some of this wind up." Ronald blushed. "Oh, come on now. You used to flatulate all the time when you slept." Ronald's blush only grew.

 As Claude continued to rub his stomach, a small, relaxed smile crept across his face, eyes beginning to slip shut. "Is that any better?"

 "Hmmmm." He rested his head on Claude's shoulder, as he fell asleep. The elder smiled down at him. He hadn't slept again in the past few days and apart from tonight, his spasms had been extreme.

 -----

 A few nights later, Ronald was at home, Grell and William having taken him to the park for a few hours earlier in the day. Everyone had been coming over as of late, to keep the blonde company, even Darren and his friends. It had helped to keep Ronald's spirits up and as such, he hadn't pulled his tube out again.

 Sebastian had brought Claude some cake over, to try to help with his appetite. "Hnn!" Ronald pointed to the cake Claude was eating and then to his mouth, a look of upset on his face.

 "I'm sorry, Ronald but you can't have any."

 "Nnn!"

 "Do ya' jus' wanna' taste it?" Eric asked, from the chair across the room.

 "What makes you think that?" Claude asked.

 "He said that tha' once, when I teased him for eatin' too much. Said there was no point eatin' if he couldn't taste it."

 "But he can't sw-."

 "So eat a bit and then kiss him. He'll be able to taste it then."

 "Oh." He did as he was instructed and once the cake was swallowed, he pressed his lips to an excited Ronald's. The blonde hummed happily, as Claude's tongue slid into his mouth and he got the full taste of chocolate cake. This continued, until all the cake was finished. "Would you like me to do that from now on?"

 Ronald grinned at him. "Hnn!"

\------

***Two nights later.***

 "Ronald, no!"

 "Nnn!" He rubbed Claude's crotch again, before his arm jerked away. He tired again but Claude pushed him off of him.

 "Stop this at once."

 "Nnn!"

 "Ronald, I've told you before that we aren't doing anything like that anymore.'

 Claude left the bedroom, frustration grinding away at him. Since leaving the hospital, they had tried many means of communication. He couldn't pick up a pen, nor could his shaking hands tap the right keys on Eric's laptop.

 Phone keypads were the same and even cassette tapes with alphabets on were of no use. Ronald couldn't seem to keep up with the speed of it, always signalling too late and then getting upset when the wrong letter was stated. Everyone in the household was now trying to think of a new way to communicate.

 He entered the bedroom half an hour later, once he had calmed down somewhat, to find Ronald lying on the bed where he had left him, hand stroking himself. As he drew nearer, he noticed that Ronald's hand was jerking around and he had a pained look on his face, tears trickling down the sides.

 "Please stop that. You're going to hurt yourself." Ronald shook his head, hand continuing to work on himself harshly. He yelped, as his arm spasmed and he tugged too sharply. "Please stop it." He said more softly this time. "That can't feel nice."

 Ronald pointed at him with his other hand, before his head jolted back into the covers. "You wish me to do it?"

 "Hnn."

 Claude sighed and thought for a moment. "Ronald, how old do you think you are?"

 Ronald frowned, before he let go of himself. With effort, his showed Claude all ten digits and then nine, to signal that he was nineteen. "Do you think that sexual relations are just for adults? Two people doing such things out of love?"

 Ronald nodded, though he rolled his eyes, a pissed off expression showing. Satisfied that Ronald was still the same as he had always been and that he understood what intimacy meant, Claude helped him into a sitting position and lifted him up so that he could lean against the head board.

 He got between Ronald's legs, hand stroking over him and the blonde let out a gasp. Gripping the base, his head moved down to suck lightly on his tip. Ronald grabbed onto the bed, his arms jerking at the covers.

 Claude took the first few inches into his mouth, tongue gliding up the shaft and hand pumping him. "Hmm." It didn't take long for Ronald to come and he then motioned at Claude again, once he had pulled away and then at himself.

 "Sex?" The blonde nodded. "No. I do not wish to." Ronald looked down, as Claude pulled his pj bottoms back up. _Why not? Is it because I AM a slut and you finally figured it out? You believe everything that Joker called me, is that it?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research: sexual relations after tbi.


	37. Hiding important information. (Slut?)

****Past****

_What do you mean?_   
_Ohh ohh ohh_   
_When you nod your head yes_   
_But you wanna say no_   
_What do you mean?_   
_Hey yeah_   
_When you don't want me to move_   
_But you tell me to go_   
_What do you mean?_   
_Ohh_   
_What do you mean?_   
_Said we're running out of time_   
_What do you mean?_   
_Ohh ohh ohh_   
_What do you mean?_   
_Better make up your mind_   
_What do you mean?_

 Eric came into the room and pulled a face. "Bloody Justin Bieber, rank."

 Claude looked between him and Ronald, as his partner grinned at Eric. "Hey, I jus' like tha' song, man.".

 "Well ya' 'ave shit taste."

\------

****Present****

 It was now the weekend and Ronald tugged on Claude's t-shirt. "Hnn!"

 "Ronald, I don't understand what you are trying to tell me."

 "Hnn!" He pulled on it again.

 "I don't understand!" Tears began to slide down Claude's face, as he untangled himself from his partner's grip. "I'm sorry ... but I don't know what you are trying to say." He stood up and moved to the kitchen, where Eric was having dinner and Alan reading a comic.

 He took one look at Claude's face and asked "what's up?"

 "Ronald. I never know what he is trying to say. He ... used to be so easy to read before. Even when something was wrong and he didn't say it outright, I could tell by the way his voice cracked that something was wrong. Then he would tell me if I asked. Now, he can't and I have no idea what he's thinking or feeling. It's so frustrating and upsetting, because I know that he just wants to speak his mind and he can't. That, as well as everything else he used to love, has been taken from him by force."

 "Doesn't take a genius ta' figure out tha' he's sad. Obviously he's really fed up tha' he can't do anythin' for himself."

 "That is true. I just wish we could establish some form of communication with him. The sooner we figure that out, the better." He pulled his grinder from his pocket and went outside to smoke a spliff.

 "I feel so ... bad for the both of them." Alan stated.

 "Yeah, me too. Mus' be awful ta' not be able to speak. Bet he's got so much he wants ta' tell us."

 Alan nodded. "I sort of ... understand. I mean, I have trouble getting words out ... because of this stupid stutter. It's ... really frustrating at times but for Ronnie, it ... must be ten times worse. I do ... think I've got a good ... idea on how we can talk to him though."

 "Really? Awesome!"

 "Yeah ... really. I just need ... your printer and a laminator."

 "I think Sebastian should 'ave one, bein' a teacher and all."

\-----

 Two hours later, Alan had finished. He'd made laminated cards that he hoped would be big enough for Ronald to tap on, even with his shakes. Each card had one letter of the alphabet on, as well as one with an exclamation mark and one with a question mark. There were also cards with different faces on, for different emotions and some with phrases like bath, bed, ipod and Eric had made sure that Alan included a sex one.

 "Now we just need a ... table big enough." Alan said.

 "I'll take him ta' tha' dinning room, if ya' set tha' cards up there. Table's big enough and I don't think we've ever even used tha' room."

 Alan smiled. "No ... we never have."

 Eric moved to the living room, to find that Ronald was on his own. "Where's Claude?" Ronald pointed to the ceiling. "Gone ta' bed?"

 "Hnn."

 "Well Al's got somethin' ta' show ya'." Ronald frowned at him. "Jus' give him a few minutes."

\----

 After that time, Eric picked Ronald up with ease and carried him to the dinning room. He sat him down in a seat and Alan explained the cards. "Do ... you think you'll be able ... to use these?"

 Ronald grinned. "Hmm."

 Alan sat next to him and Eric across the table. The brunette picked up a pen and note pad. "Okay. Point to them and ... I'll write the words down." Ronald pointed and spelled out the first phase.

  **'Hey, kid.'**

 "Still calling me a kid ... huh?"

 **'Yup.'** He then pointed to the sad face.

 "Why are ... you sad?"

  **'Can't do anything.'**

 "You will in time. Me ... and Eric know that you will."

  **'No. Won't. Slut?'**

 "Who's ... a slut?"

**'Me. Joker said so. I think Claude thinks so too.'**

 "Why? Do you think ... you are?"

**'Yeah.'**

 "But you're not."

 "Ya' know tha' ya' not." Eric added. "Tha' guy was jus' sick. Jus' a dirty pervy bastard."

 Alan looked at him. "Eric ... I thought you told me ... that he just got beat up?"

 Eric looked away. "I didn't ... want to upset you."

 "Well I'm not as weak as you think I am. I can ... handle knowing these things."

 "Sorry Al, I-."

 "You tell ... me not to hide things from you and you hide everything important from me!" He slammed the note pad down and stormed out of the room. Eric let out a sigh.

 Turning back to Ronald, he said. "Ya' not a slut, mate. Please don't ever think tha'." He moved to sit next to Ronald and picked the pad and pen up.

**'I feel like one. They made Claude watch, as he fucked me.'**

 "Yeah, 'cause they are dirty bastards. Ya' didn't want it, nor did ya' ask for it. So no, ya' not a slut."

  **'Can you not tell Claude about this? I don't want him getting angry at me again.'**

 "He's jus' stressed right now but okay, I won't. At least now, ya' can tell him ya'self, when ya' ready."

**'True. Thanks.'**

\----

 That night, Ronald was in the spare room with Alan and Eric. He was in the middle, as Alan had been giving Eric the cold shoulder all day.

 "Nnn." He yanked on Eric's bed shirt, before vommiting all over it. Eric quickly lifted him into a sitting position, bending him forward so he wouldn't choke, as he wretched up his last two meals.

 "It's alright, ronnie. Jus' breath, okay? Shit, hope ya' not gettin' sick again."

 "Nnn." Eric rubbed his back, as he continued to heave. _I'm so sick of this shit._


	38. Don't have a cow, man. (Getting sicker.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You belong with me - Taylor Swift.

****Past***  
_You're on the phone with your girlfriend_  
_She's upset, she's going off about something that you said_  
_'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do._  
_I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night._  
_I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like._  
_And she'll never know your story like I do._  
_But she wears short skirts_  
_I wear t-shirts_  
_She's cheer captain_  
_And I'm on the bleachers_  
_Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find_  
_That what you're looking for has been here the whole time._  
_If you could see_  
_That I'm the one_  
_Who understands you._  
_Been here all along._  
_So, why can't you see_  
_You belong with me,_  
_You belong with me._

 Claude came into the bedroom, to find Ronald singing at the top of his voice, bouncing up and down on the bed, with a hair brush pressed to his mouth. "You belong with meeee - eh, Claude, I-." He went bright red.

 "How adorable." Claude was over to the bed in quick strides, smirk in place. "Let's see how high pitched you really are."

 "Oh, baby!" He was pushed down on the bed.

\------

 Eric and Alan had stayed up with Ronald all night, Alan still not talking to him. The morning came and the blonde had a fever again, so the doctor was called. Ronald had also yelped and cried in pain, when Eric had pushed in the catheter.

 When he told the doctor, they checked him over and diagnosed Ronald with a urinary tract infection. Treatment prescribed was a course of antibiotic liquid, to be given three times daily with his feeds.

\-----

***Two months later.***

 The house continued to be filled with guests, all of their friends coming over to spend time with Ronald and to give the other three a much needed few hours break.

\----

 Alan and Eric were in the kitchen. "Al, ya' okay? Ya' ain't been eatin' much recently."

 Alan was pushing a piece of chicken around his plate with his knife, having only taken a few bites.

 "I'm just not ... hungry." He swivelled his knife around his fingers.

 "Don't gimme' tha'. If it's because of wha' I said months back, I've told ya', ya' beauti-."

 "It's not because of that! Though ... that was a stupid thing to say to someone with an ... eating disorder."

 "But I thought ya' said tha' ya' weight didn't bother ya'?"

 "Moron. Eating disorders use any excuse to try to ... work their way back into your lives. I should know, I've had one for long enough."

 "Yeaaah, so wha' is tha' issue here? 'Cause I know it ain't jus' because ya' ain't hungry."

 "I don't deserve food."

 Eric frowned. "Don't start this aga-."

 "It's the fucking truth! You blame yourself for what ... happened to Ronnie but you'd have been home ... if I hadn't of been in the hospital."

 "Yeah but Sebastian told me ta' go home and I wouldn't."

 "Because of me! It's bad enough that he's ... brain damaged but to know he got ... r ... r ... raped too. To know that he wouldn't have, if I hadn't - it's just too awful to think about." He ran his thumb over the tip of the knife and Eric cursed himself for letting Alan use a steak knife. Especially after he nearly cut his wrists open with a big knife last time.

 "Yeah. That's why I didn't tell ya' 'bout it."

 "Well you should have! I know you've kept something else from ... me too!"

 "Wha'?"

 "Ronnie ... mentioned something about Joseph and Jacob. He ... said to ask you about it. That ... he didn't want to talk about it again. That they called him a slut too."

 "Shit. When did he tell ya' 'bout tha'?"

 "Like half an hour ago. Now tell me ... what happened."

 "Al, no, it'll upset y-."

 "I'm already upset! Because of you being stupid! I thought you were meant to be smart!? Now just tell me!"

 Eric exhaled for a long while, before replying. "Joseph and Jacob were in West Bromwich, when Ronald used ta' live there. Birmingham too. They spiked his drink and raped him. Happy now?"

 "What ... sort of fucking question is that!? Of course I'm not happy! How long ago did he ... tell you that!?"

 "Umm ..."

 "I'd like an answer sometime today."

 "Two weeks back maybe."

 "Dickhead!" The knife was stabbed into the wooden table top and Alan stomped off angrily; footsteps too loud for a man so light.

 Eric pushed his own plate away, suddenly losing his appetite. By the time he entered the living room himself, Grell and William were just about to leave, having come over for tea and biscuits. "Eric, can you take Ronald upstairs? He's quite tired. I will be up in a short while, once I have seen Grell and William out." Claude said.

 "Sure." He walked over to the sofa and scooped Ronald up, Alan sending daggers his way, from his seat next to the blonde. "Feelin' poorly again, mate?"

 "Hnn." Ronald looked quite pale again.

 As Eric took him to the doorway, he felt him squirming around in his arms. Thinking that Ronald was just uncomfortable, he said "keep still, buddy or I might drop ya'." That's when he saw Ronald's eyes roll back in his head, his body beginning to convulse. "Claude, ge' over here. Now!"


	39. Seizures and slit throats.

 Claude looked over at Eric and the blonde said "shit. I think he's 'aving a seizure. Wha' do I do?"

 "I ... do not know. It only lasted for a few moments last time." Alan looked between them, his angry look turning to horror.

 Grell took her phone out and started a timer. She handed it to William and said "Lie him on the floor, otherwise he could hurt you or himself." Eric did as instructed, sinking down slowly onto his knees and placing Ronald on the floor, as he continued to convulse.

 Getting up from the sofa, Grell quickly got on the floor next to Ronald and rolled him onto his side. Gurgling sounds started to come from his mouth and she took her coat off, lifting his head slightly and placing it under it.

 "Don't ya' 'ave ta' like, put somethin' in his mouth or somethin', ta' stop a seizure?" Eric asked.

 "Don't be stupid, darling. You can if you want him to choke to death. It's just an old wife's tale. I should know, my best friend has them." She turned back to Ronald and began to rub his back. "There, there, darling. It'll all be over soon."

 "His lips are goin' blue?" Eric asked. "He's breathing though, right?"

 "He is. That's just the blood rushing to his brain instead. William, how long had he been seizing for now?"

 "Just under a minute."

 Grell continued to rub his back, as he began to grind his teeth, his whole body clenching and then relaxing. "Claude. Did the doctor warn you about seizures?"

 The man moved to sit behind Grell. "He did. I just have to inform him, if it doesn't last for more than-."

 "Three minutes, yes, I know."

 "Yes. If it carries on for longer than that, I was told to phone an ambulance."

 As the two minute mark passed, Ronald's jaw stopped clenching and he was sick. Grell turned him over a little more, so that the vomit could run from his mouth. Just before three minutes, he came out of it, looking dazed and trying to move. "Don't move yet, darling. Just try to relax."

 The blonde made a choking noise and Grell pushed two fingers in his mouth then, scooping out a bit of sick that had hit the back of his throat. After a while, Claude helped him up into a sitting position and soothed his hair.

 A sob was heard from the sofa and Alan quickly left the room, Eric standing up to follow him into the kitchen. "Al?"

 "This ... is all my fault. And now ... he's probably going to carry on having seizures. He's ... already ill enough and now ..."

 Eric pulled him into a hug. "None of this is ya' fault. Don't blame-."

 "Get away from me! You ... don't understand!" He pulled away.

 "Don't under-."

 "Just leave me alone!" He stormed out of the room and upstairs. The door slamming was a sign of his upset. Sure that Alan had probably locked it, Eric sat down and put his head in his hands. Could things get much worse?

\-----

 Grell and William left and Claude carried Ronald to the downstairs bathroom, to clean him up. He'd had an accident while convulsing. Tears began to run down Ronald's face but were quickly wiped away by Claude's thumb. "It will all be alright, my love. Even if you have another seizure, the doctor overseeing your treatment at the hospital will be able to prescribe something to stop them."

 "Nnn."

 "They will. I know you are probably scared but please don't cry. You ... will make me cry also." Ronald lifted his hand up with effort, to touch Claude's cheek. "I love you so much."

 "Hnn." His hand moved to Claude's chest, palm placing over his heart.

 "Yes, I know that you love me also."

 "Hnn."

\-----

 As William and Grell returned home, he asked. "Why did you tell them that your friend had seizures and not that you and your brother suffer from epilepsy?"

 "Because the details do not matter. A lady has to keep some personal matters private. They just needed to know that I knew what I was doing. Plus, you didn't see the expression on your face when I told you. It's like people are scared of the word epilepsy. Like it's some awful disease."

 William shook his head. "No, that was because you told me five minutes after you had had one. I thought you were dying or something."

 "First one in years, darling. The medication works well. I just hope that they can find one that works for Ronald."

 "I'm sure they will."

\------

 A month later and Ronald had continued to have seizures, the second one being a few hours after the previous. As such, he'd been diagnosed with epilepsy.

 Carbamazepine had been prescribed and the doctor had stated that it might weaken the effects of the Diazepam. That hadn't been the problem. Instead, it had given him fainting spells and nosebleeds, as well as swollen hands and feet. The medical staff understanding that he couldn't tolerate the medication, he was put on Valproic Acid instead.

 The seizures having gotten no better, the hospital was looking into a combination of drugs they could use, in hopes that they could stop them completely or reduce the frequency of them.

\-----

 "Get away from me! I ... don't deserve to live. I've ... caused Ronnie so much pain!" Alan shouted and Eric cursed himself for not hiding the sharp knives, as Alan was once again gripping one tightly in his hand.

 "Al, calm down please. Let's jus' talk 'bout all this, okay?" He said, moving towards his partner.

 "Fuck off! Just ... fucking - argh, screw you! You never talk to me!"

 "I know ... I'm sorry."

 "Bit late for that. Tosser!" The knife was pressed to his neck.

 "Al, don't ya' dare!" He reached forward to pull Alan's arm away, just as he was about to slit his own throat. As such, the knife didn't cut his neck very deep, a small trickle of blood all that fell from the wound.

 He ripped his arm away from Eric and went to try again but Eric grabbed the knife, this time by the blade. It cut into his hand but he was more concerned with getting it away from Alan. The knife was pulled from the smaller man's grip and was thrown across the room.

 The brunette was wrestled to the ground, before he could grab a second knife and Eric hooked his arms around Alan's, keeping him pinned in place. "Al, keep still, would ya'?" He said, as Alan struggled against him. "Ya' tryin' ta end up like Ronnie? Not bein' able ta' talk? Jus' calm down and keep still."

 "Let me go!"

 "Never."

 "Fuck off!"

 "Nope."

 Eventually, he stopped struggling and began to sob instead. Eric released his grip and his partner turned around, pressing his head into his shirt and crying harder.

 The blonde rubbed his back with his uninjured hand. "That's it. Cry it all out, babe. Let it all out."

 "Why ... is everything ... so ... hard right now!?"

 "It'll ge' easier."

 "It never seems ... to."

 Eric pulled him closer. "It will. Jus' 'ave a good cry. Might feel better if ya' don't keep everythin' bottled up." Alan did, crying for over half an hour, clinging tightly to Eric's shirt, before he finally began to calm down. The blonde spoke again. "Ronnie told me earlier tha' ya' don't think I understand wha' ya' goin' through. He's probably right."

 Alan sniffed. "It ... probably doesn't help that ... I just shout at you, instead ... of explaining what's wrong."

 "Then tell me when things are gettin' ya' down and I promise from now on tha' I won't keep things from ya'."

 "Yeah ... you shouldn't. But when I think about it ... I realise that you just don't want me upset. You still need ... to tell me though. We are ... partners and partners shouldn't hide anything."

 "True that. I will from now on and even if ya' ge' upset or mad, I'll jus' be there ta' comfort ya' tha' best I can."

 "Thank you, Eric."

 "Still love me?"

 "I do. Do you ... still love me?"

 Eric smiled. "Of course I do."

 Alan sat up then and gasped. "Eric ... your hand! You - did I do that? You need ... to get to the hospital. That ... looks deep."

 "Yeah, I will. Tha' staff are gunna' know us on a first name basis soon."

 He giggled softly. "They ... probably already do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research used:  
> What to do if someone has a seizure.  
> Epilepsy medication.


	40. Driving. (Crime watch.)

 "Dammit. This is the third one he's had today." Claude stated, rolling Ronald onto his side on the sofa. He rubbed his back, as the blonde continued to convulse violently.

 A few months had passed and it was now eleven months since Ronald had woken up from his coma. The doctors had tried various combinations of drugs but they had either had no effect or made Ronald ill. As such, he was placed back on just Valproic Acid. Sometimes he would have a Grand - Mal seizure, other times he would just lose consciousness for a few moments.

 Eric and Alan were communicating better and seemed to have grown closer since the knife incident. All the knives in the house had been changed to plastic ones, just in case Alan had another bad episode.

\-----

 A few days later, Ronald pointed to the card that had the word sex written on it and then spelled out **but you think I'm a slut, right?**

 Claude frowned at him. "I do not. What those monsters said that night wasn't true."

  **I am though. I let them do it.** A few tears slipped from the blonde's eyes.

 "You are not. With broken knee caps, there was no way you could have stopped Joker from doing such awful things to you. I will never think of you as a slut."

  **Are you sure?**

 "Positive. So you wish to be intimate then?"

  **If you want to, yeah.**

 A small smile crept across Claude's lips. "I don't see why not." He lifted Ronald from the seat and carefully took him upstairs, making sure to not twist his back.

 Placing him on the bed, Ronald eased himself down into a lying position. Claude sat between his open legs, hand brushing under his shirt. Lifting it up, he placed soft kisses to Ronald stomach. Once the clothing was removed, Ronald's nipple was sucked on. "Hmmmm."

 Claude removed his own t-shirt and trousers, lying lightly against Ronald's chest and kissing him deeply. His hand slipped down to rub Ronald through his jogging bottoms, before those and his boxers were pulled down and off.

 More kissing followed, all over the blonde's thin, shaking body. The lube was then retrieved and Claude coated his fingers, lifting Ronald's leg over his shoulder and sliding his first finger in carefully. He prepared him slowly for the next half of an hour, before rolling Ronald onto his side.

 Removing his own underwear, he lay behind him and kissed his shoulder tenderly, pushing in as gently as he could. The teenager whimpered. "Does it hurt?"

 "Hnn."

 "Do you wish for me to stop?"

 "Nnn."

 "Okay. Just try to relax."

 After a while, it stopped hurting so much, instead feeling nice, as Claude found his spot and pressed against it. As Claude neared climax, he felt Ronald clench around him, gurgling noises coming from him.

 Before he had chance to move away, Ronald tensed again and Claude moaned loudly, releasing into him. He pulled out quickly, to find that Ronald was having another seizure, tears slipping from his eyes. "Oh ... Ronald. I ... I'm so sorry."

\-----

 Meanwhile, Eric and Alan returned home. "Finally passed my driving test, thank fuck for tha'." Eric beamed. "Can take Ronnie ta' tha' hospital myself now."

 "Yeah ... it's good."

 "Now for tha' next thing ta' check off of my list."

 "What's ... that?"

 Eric grinned at him. "Ya' need ta' teach me how ta' draw."

 "I ... can try."

\----

***Two days later.***  
 The door was knocked and when Claude answered it, he found two police officers standing there. "May we come in, Mr Faustus?"

 "Yes, yes. Do come in.".

 Once seated in the living room, one of them stated. "We have still been unable to locate Lau and Ran-Mao. Neither do we know their last names. However, we have an idea. We would like to put out a public appeal for information."

 "What sort of appeal?"

 "We would like to film you and your partner, showing the public the impact this attack has had on the both of you."

 "So you wish to pull at people's heart strings, is that it?"

 The second officer spoke. "If that is what you want to think, that is fine. Are you willing to cooperate? The choice is yours."

 "No. The choice is Ronald's."

 Once the police had left, Ronald had agreed to be filmed.

\------

 Detective Charles Grey sat in his house, as Crime Watch came on the television.

' _Before the attack, Mr Knox was a carefree teenager.' A video played of the blonde snuggling up to his partner on the sofa, beer can in hand. 'After the senseless attack, he was left disabled and now suffers from seizures.' A video played of him having a seizure, Claude speaking to the camera. "This is the second one he has had today. He can have up to five daily and the medication provides little relief."_

_'Mr Knox and Faustus are now appealing for help in finding the two remaining suspects in this case. They were last seen in Edinburgh. Please phone the number at the bottom of the screen, should you see these suspects.' A police sketch of Lau and Ran-Mao stayed on the screen for a while, before the programme moved to the next case._

 Grey swallowed the mouthful of cake he was eating. "It would seem the man I feel in love with so many years ago now needs my help. I shall find these criminals and make them pay."

\-----

 Claude and Ronald had also been watching the programme. "Well, let's just hope that those two are arrested soon. Someone is bound to have seen them."

 "Hnn"

 He stood up from the sofa and made his way to the doorway. "It's time for your next meal."

 "Cla- u - de"

 His head whipped around to eye Ronald. "Did you ... just say something?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy chapter next time :)


	41. Chibi.  (Peg.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lawrence Anderson (Dr) is 'pops' from the ova William the reaper.

 "During the procedure, we will insert an endoscope through Mr Knox's mouth and into the stomach. Through a camera on the endoscope, we will then view the stomach lining, to determine where to fit the PEG tube. Once determined, we make a small incision in the abdominal wall and place the tube into the stomach. It is quite a simple procedure." Dr Anderson explained.

 "No. I wish him not to have that procedure done." Claude stated.

 "It would be for the best. An ng tube should only be used for a few months, not a year. It can cause bleeding in the stomach and ulcers.".

 "Until that time comes, his nasal tube will stay."

 "But you have said it yourself, he keeps pulling it-."

 Claude stood up from the chair. "He isn't going to undergo more surgery. He's been cut up and had enough items jabbed into him this past year."

 "Mr Faustus-."

 "Good day." He left the Dr's office.

\-----

 A month had passed since Ronald and Claude had been intimate and it was now almost a year since Ronald had woken up. They had had sex a few more times and thankfully Ronald hadn't had a seizure those times.

 Still, Ronald seemed to be getting more and more depressed as the days went by. He had told Alan via the cards that it was because he was sick of having seizures. As such, he'd been pulling his tube out again, much to Claude's dismay. He'd also been ill a lot, with chest and throat infections.

 As such, the doctors had pushed for a peg tube instead. (That goes straight into the stomach). Claude had refused it time and time again, hoping that Ronald would come to his senses and stop tugging on the tube.

 The blonde was currently being assessed for depression and hopefully some medication prescribed for it.

 Claude was also sure that he was hearing things. He'd heard his name being spoken shakily but everytime he asked Ronald to repeat what he had said, he couldn't.

\----

 Claude came home to find that Ronald's tube was out once again. He swiftly made his way over to the boy, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. "What is wrong with you? Do you want a peg fitted?"

 "Nnn."

 "Because that's what is going to happen if you keep pulling the blasted thing out." He let go of him and moved to the doorway of the living room. "I'm sure you wish not to have anything else shoved into you."

 Ronald put his head in shaking hands. _Don't you understand that I just want to die?_

\---

 The next day, Alan had an appointment to have his blood tested, to see what his levels of iron were now. He still wasn't eating properly. Eric skipped a day of university to go with him. His dad had just recently gave him some money and he'd brought a car.

 Claude had been called into work unexpectedly and Sebastian came over to the house, to look after Ronald. The blonde was not at all happy. Well, not until Sebastian dyed his hair back to the two tone black and blonde.

\----

 The following day, a Saturday, Eric held a piece of paper up for Alan. "I tried ta' draw ya' in chibi form."

 Alan looked at it and smiled. "It's ... quite good."

 "Thanks, babe. Ya' taught me well."

\-----

 "These bastards are proving quite hard to find." Charles Grey stated. "Still, at least we are now in the town they were last spotted in." The detective was currently in Liverpool. "Now with your help, we can track them down."

 A female with tight spandex and long reddish pink hair down to her knees looked at him. "Yeah. Even if I have to threaten each and every one of the scum who knows them here, with my baby." She stroked her gun. "We will find them.

 "Thank you, Mey - Rin. I knew your skills would be useful. So much for arresting them, I guess. Not like they deserve to live anyway."

\----

 It was now Ronald's twentieth birthday and a year and a day since he woke up. The household had planned a small party for him on the night, though the day was going to be spent just relaxing as a family.

 Alan and Eric came into the room, to hear Claude speaking. "Ronald, stop it!" As they drew closer, they saw Ronald hitting his head with his fist. "Stop it! You're going to hurt yourself! What an earth do you keep hitting yourself for?" Ronald whimpered, his eyes screwed shut.

 "Claude ... I think his head is ... hurting him." Alan stated, taking in Ronald's pained expression.

 "Well obviously, if he keeps hitting himself." He pulled Ronald's hand away.

 "No ... I mean before that. Look ... he looks in a lot of pain."

 "Mate, is tha' it? Ya' got a bad headache?" Eric asked but Ronald didn't answer, instead looking at him blankly. "He looks really dazed."

 A troubling thought came to mind, a piece of advice his dad had once given. "Ronnie, try and lift both of ya' arms up for us?" Ronald just stared at him. "Come on, lift ya' arms for us." He lifted his own, to show Ronald what he meant.

 The two tone haired boy lifted his arms after a while, only to have one drop down again. "Shit." Eric said, pulling his phone out. "I'm phonin' an ambulance. I think he's ... 'aving a stroke."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ... I lied about this being a happy chapter ;)
> 
> Research needed:   
> Stroke symptoms.   
> What to do when someone has a stroke.   
> Peg fitting.   
> Legal rights of patients and their guardians surrounding peg tubes.


	42. Cursed. (Stroke.)

***Claude's Pov.***

 It seemed too familiar somehow and yet, terrifying and unknown all at the same time. Claude had been almost certain that he'd heard Ronald speak. The more he thought about it now, the more he felt like it wasn't just a figment of his imagination. _He definitely spoke. It was hoarse and they were broken words but he did say my name, I know he did._

 The elder had hoped that it was a sign that Ronald would be able to swallow again soon, bypassing the need for a peg tube. Now, it looked like all hope was lost.

 Ronald had suffered a stroke. A blood clot to one of the most important areas of his brain, the brain stem. He'd struggled against the paramedics, the clot having made him confused. As he and Claude had reached the hospital, he'd lost consciousness and his breathing became labored.

 The brain stem helps with bodily functions such as breathing, blood pressure and heartbeat. If damaged, these functions are compromised.

 Rushed into the hospital, he'd been given a brain scan. Finding that it was a clot and not a rupture, drugs were given to dissolve said clot. He was then moved to a bed in the hospital, hooked up once again to machines that helped him to breathe and to IV lines.

 Claude held his hand softly, praying that soon he would wake up again. The blonde just looked so helpless, lying there on sheets that seemed to wash the colour right from his cheeks. So helpless with a tube down his throat. Yet, through the sorrow, Claude felt a strange sense of pride, as he bent down to kiss Ronald's forehead. "Always so brave, my angel. I know that you will pull through."

\------

****No Pov***

 "Why do ... bad things ... always have to happen?" Alan sobbed into Eric's chest. It was almost midnight, visiting hours long over.

 "I honestly dunno', Al."

 "Are ... we cursed or something?! Bad things always ... happen to this family. On Ronnie's ... birthday too of all days."

 "Of course we ain't -."

 "Or maybe I'm the cursed ... one. Nothing ... good has ever happened in my life. Maybe ... I brought the bad luck to ... everyone else."

 "Ya' not cursed. Bad things jus' happen ta' good people. Things are bound ta' pick up eventually."

 Alan cried harder. "You've ... been saying that for years now, Eric. It's ... obviously not true."

 Eric sighed. "A man can hope, at least."

\----

***3am***

 Charles Grey looked up, as the door was swung open to the two bedded hotel room and Mey - Rin entered. He'd been waiting up for her. "Did you complete the assignment?"

 The women looked up at him, blood splattered on her face. The liquid would also be visible on her clothes, if only she wasn't wearing black. "They're dead. Bitch put up one hell of a fight though. Guess I'm not much good at close range. Though, hiding out in a drug den, I couldn't really shoot them from afar."

 "Very good. Now I just need to find Claude's home address and tell him the good news."

 "Hn. Eurgh, I need a shower." She dropped her gun back into the suitcase. "Always feel so filthy when I shoot someone. Especially in the head."

\----

***4am*** Claude's Pov.

 Claude woke up, empty packet of Cocaine at the side of the bed. He needed that drug, at least until Ronald woke up. Once he was awake, he wouldnt touch it again. It wasnt worth hurting his family or becoming irate with ronald again. Because all things said and done, drugs never did ease the pain. He turned over, pulling Ronald's pillow to his chest. _My life is always so empty when you are not around._

\----

 The next day, Alan and Eric came home from visiting the hospital. Ronald still hadn't woken up yet and it pained the couple to see their friend looking so fragile. "Eric?"

 "Yeah, babe?"

 Alan eyed the floor. "You told ... me before not to ... bottle my feelings and thoughts up."

 "Yep. What's on ya' mind?"

 "Is it ... bad to think that Ronnie ... would be better off dead, to hope that he ... doesn't wake up?"

 "Wha' tha' fuck!?" He shouted.

 "This ... is why I don't talk to ... you."

 The blonde gritted his teeth. "Where tha' hell did ya' ge' tha' idea from!?"

 "It's ... better than him being even more disabled. He ... was so depressed even before ... the stroke.".

 "He's ... gunna' be fine."

 A bang was heard, as Alan's fist slammed into the nearest wall. "Stop with the false hope! Ronnie ..." He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to prevent tears from falling. "Is never ... going to walk or talk or eat ... again. And now ... he's probably not going ... to be able to move at all."

 "Al-."

 "It was in his brain stem! How much ... worse can his ... condition be? He ... he's never going to get better! Just ... accept it!" Eric had no words. How could one answer a statement of bitter truth?"

\----

****Ronald's Pov***

 That night, just over two hours before visiting hours finished, Ronald woke up. Claude wasn't present at that moment, instead going for a walk to clear his thoughts. He was informed of Ronald's change of condition on returning an hour later.

 Walking into the room, he found that the ventilator had been removed, though the IV was still in place. He made his way over to the bed. "Ronald?"

 The blonde turned his head slowly to look at him, his eyes wide with pain and fear. It became apparent of just how much worse he was, when he tried to lift his hand. Weakness took hold quickly and with a small thump, his hand fell back onto the covers. Claude lost it at that moment, shoulders shaking. "You ... poor thing. You ... can barely move."

 Ronald tried to make him usual 'hnn' noise but all that came out was a feeble whine. _What ... the fuck? Wait ... I ... I ... can't feel my legs!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research.  
> Stroke types.  
> Stroke clot treatment.  
> Stroke on brain stem.


	43. You were right. (Get my cousin out of here.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So oesophagus is spelt differently in America. Who would have thought? ;)

 The issue had been raised again and Claude felt like he had no other choice but to agree with the doctors this time. Ronald was obviously never going to make a full recovery. The odds were stacked up against him. As such, Claude had finally allowed for a peg tube to be fitted. As much as it pained him to let Ronald be cut up further, he was beginning to feel like it was the best thing for the boy.

 The doctors were right, the longer a ng tube was in place, the greater the risk to Ronald's stomach and oesophagus . Now, he just had to wait for the operation to be scheduled and tell Ronald. He hoped that the blonde wouldn't hate him for the decision.

 It had been a week since Ronald was admitted to the hospital. He'd regained the feeling in his legs but still couldn't make the sounds he had before his stroke. His controlled movement was also limited, muscle control being affected by the stroke. Still, he'd had one seizure while at the hospital and his muscles had convulsed and spasmed as much as usual then.

\-----

****Ronald's Pov****

 Claude came into the room, to find Ronald whimpering softly. _I ... feel so lonely. Surely the visiting hours have started by now? Maybe ... no one wants to see a cripple like me. I can't even ... wipe the slob from around my mouth. It's so pathetic. Stupid arms!_

 "Good morning, my love." The blonde turned his head, letting out a weak whine. _He came! Thank ... god for that._ Claude grabbed some tissues, from the box on the table next to the bed and wiped the saliva from Ronald's chin.

 He tried to lift his arm but like all the other times, it fell back to the bed. "You wish to touch me?" He reached to grab Ronald's wrist gently, raising it. He pressed the blonde's hand to his chest. "Here?"

 Ronald shook his head and Claude moved Ronald's hand to his cheek. "Here?" Ronald nodded, a small smile appearing on his face as Claude nuzzled against his palm. _I always wanna' touch y' and be close to y'._

\-----

***No Pov***

 Eric and Alan came home in the evening, having spent a few hours visiting Ronald. "I ... think ya' were right." Eric said sadly.

 Alan turned to look at him. "About ... what?"

 "Ronnie. He really would be better off dead."

 "But ... you said-."

 "I know wha' I said but ... ya' were right all along. He's not gunna' ge' better. He's so depressed. At least he looks tha' way. I was an idiot for thinkn' he'd be fine. Tha' he'd go back ta' tha' way he was."

 The brunette moved over to hug him. "No. Sometimes it's ... better to have hope, than ... to think of the worse outcome possible like me."

 Eric shook his head. "No. Because then, ya' feel even more shit when those hopes are crushed. It's best ta' jus' be realistic."

 "But sometimes ... hope is a good thing. It ... gives you something ... to carry on for ... I guess."

 "Well all hope has gone down tha' drain. It did, tha' moment I saw Ronnie awake again."

 "Yeah..."  
\----

****Claude's Pov****

 Claude returned home, a few minutes before the door was knocked. Eric and Alan were currently at Luna's. He opened it to find two people standing outside. "Charles ... what are you doing here?" He looked at Mey - Rin. "What is that killer doing at the door of my house?"

 "We came to bring you some good news."He pushed past Claude and into the house, Mey - Rin glaring at him as she also stepped into the hallway.

 "What news would this be?"

 Charles grinned at him. "I saw crime watch. As you know, I'm a detective and -."

 "And you have arrested them. Good, now get out of my house."

 "Oh but darling, if that were the case, why is Mey - Rin here?" He teased.

 Claude's eyes widened slightly, before the blank expression was back in place. "So you killed them. Not that they deserved to live anyway."

 "Exactly."

 Claude nodded. "Now get that assassin out of my home."

 She flashed him a angry look. "That is no way to treat your cousin, now is it?"

 The man let out an irritated sigh, as Charles added. "Plus, we're moving up here. Oxford got a bit too dull."

 "Very funny."

 "Oh, it's no joke. I've missed you, my love."

 "I have told you time and time again that it was just sex."

 Charles moved towards the door. "Not to me. But I know you love another now. I'll leave you for the time being but I will be over to visit and when I do, I expect a ten course meal prepared just for me." With that, he opened the door and the two of them left the house.

 He was left standing there, his eyebrow twitching in annoyance. _Great, just great._

\-----

 Two days later, Claude walked into Ronald's room. He'd just come out of the operating room, having had the peg tube fitted. A tube fitted straight into his stomach, from a hole in his abdomen.

 It had pained Claude to see the tears running down Ronald's cheeks, when he had been told about the procedure. He'd sobbed silently and shook intensely from the force of his cries.

 The operation itself had gone without complications and had only taken forty minutes. Now he just had to wake up from the anaesthetic and Claude hoped that he'd have forgiven him for his choice.

 They were still unsure at the hospital how long Ronald would be there, as they were trying to get him back to the stage he was at before his stroke. It didn't seem likely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also the word 'cripple' was not meant to offend anyone. I just thought that was something a depressed Ronald would say.


	44. Get up. (Pillow mercy.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sad chapter.

 Ronald had looked broken on waking up with his peg tube fitted, tears streaming down his face once the drugs had worn off and he'd realised what had happened. Claude was glad that he didn't seem angry with him.

 Ronald was now home, having spent a little over a month at the hospital. He hadn't regained his previous speech and only a tiny bit of strength in his arms. The Diazepam was no longer needed, as a peg would stay in place.

 Two days after Ronald returning, Eric came into his own bedroom, to find Alan under the covers. "Come on, Al. Ge' up."

 "No."

 "You've been lying there for tha' past two days."

 Alan pulled the covers over his head, a muffled "I don't care" coming from him.

 "Jus' ge' up."

 "No!"

 Eric moved to slide under the covers fully, facing Alan. "Why?" He noticed the drying tears on Alan's face. "What's wrong?"

 "It doesn't -."

 "None of tha'. Were not bottlin' things up anymore. No more secrets, remember?"

 "Yeah..."

 "So what's up?"

 "Ronnie." He moved closer, snuggling into Eric's chest. "I don't want to ... see him like this. It was bad enough at ... the hospital but now he's ... home it'll be easy to see ... how much the stroke ... has affected him."

 "Yeah but he still needs ya' support. It's probably upset him tha' ya' ain't seen him."

 "Yeah. But it's just ... so hard. Life ... is so hard right now." He began to cry again, pressing his face to Eric's shirt.

 "It is. I ... could do wi' a good cry myself ta' be fair." Alan didn't answer, instead looking up and cupping Eric's cheek with his hand. For the first time in a while, the blonde let himself cry, pulling Alan as close as possible and clinging onto him for dear life.

\-----

 It had taken them both a few hours to calm down and Eric got out of bed. As he headed for the door, he turned back to the bed. "Want any dinner bringin' up?"

 "No."

 The blonde let out a sad sigh. "Alright."

 Moving back downstairs, he found Ronald cuddled up to Claude on the sofa. "Ronald, come on now. I need to feed you." Ronald shook his head weakly, hand gripping Claude's trousers.

 "Come and give us a cuddle, mate." Eric said, moving to the spare seat. He eased Ronald into his arms and Claude went to get the feeding tube and liquid meal. Coming back, he hooked the tube to the feeding port and flushed some water through, before he began to feed him.

 The household soon learnt that Ronald wanted to be held or cuddled at all times and would cry whenever someone moved away. As such, feeding times became a two man job.

 As the third week since his hospital admission came into view, Ronald began to use his 'hnn' and 'nnn' again, though it was barely audible. He still couldn't move much, only being able to lift his arms for a short period of time.

\-----

 "Al, wha' do ya' want for breakfast?" Eric asked, pushing the toaster button down.

 "Nothing."

 "Al, don't be stupid. Ya' ain't ate anythin' tha' past couple of days."

 "I know ... that."

 Eric sat next to him at the kitchen table."Why though?"

 "Because I feel ... too upset about ... Ronnie to eat." Alan averted his gaze.

 "Don't tell me tha' ya' still feel like it's ya' fault."

 "Yeah ... I ... do."

 "Well stop it. No point lookin' back. We jus' gotta' try ta' make tha' best of this situation. Look forward, ya' know?"

 "Why? Not when I don't ... see anything good in Ronnie's future. How ... much longer do you think ... he will last?"

 "Last? Ya' mean like live?"

 "Yes-."

 "Don't be dumb. Jus' 'cause he's had another chest infection doesn't mean-."

 "But how long before he ... gets sicker?"

 "He won't. Tha' antibiotics always work. Plus, he hasn't had a seizure since he's been back home. Things are startin' ta' look up."

\-----

 It seemed as if once again, Eric had been too hopeful, as a few days later Ronald began to have seizures again. One on the first day and then three the day after. Over the next month, he was in and out of hospital, having had seizures that lasted more than ten minutes at a time.

 Each time he would be sick and his weight began to drop. First to 110lb and then 108lb. The doctors began to increase his Valproic Acid but it did no good. They then tried to add an extra epilepsy medication again but that just made his sickness worse.

 As he hit the 105lb mark, his mood dropped further. He'd constantly cry and whimper, Claude's and Eric's attempts at comfort being fruitless.

 One day, Eric was at university and Alan was refusing to get out of bed, leaving just Claude and Ronald alone in the bedroom. "I have to go and get the supplies for your next feed."

 He moved from the bed, turning Ronald onto his side incase he had another seizure. Ronald began to cry, his body shaking as silent sobs took hold. He didn't want Claude to leave the room.

 "Please stop crying. It will do no good." Ronald didn't stop and Claude began to feel annoyed. "I can't hold you for every second of every day. Just stop crying!"

 "N ... N ... N."

 "Just bloody stop! Getting upset is not helping the situation!" He walked out of the room, so he could try to compose himself.

 Meanwhile, Ronald cried even harder. Out of frustration, he drug his nails into his arm. With as much strength as he could muster, he began to claw away at himself.

 When Claude entered the room ten minutes later, having pushed down his anger, he found Ronald's arms bleeding from the amount he had scratched the skin. "Ronald, what the heck?" He turned Ronald onto his back, so he could examine the damage properly. "Are you really that depressed?"

"H ... Hnn."

 Claude pulled one arm towards him, eyes scanning to ripped skin. "H ... Hnn."

"What?"

 With great difficulty, Ronald raised his hand to his neck, index finger dragging across it. The older man understood such a gesture. "You ... wish to die?" Ronald nodded. "Can you really not stand life that much?" The expression on Ronald's face was a clear answer. "You wish to die ... right now?" Another nod. "Are you completely sure?" Nod. "You wish ... me to ... kill you? Now?"

 "H ... Hnn."

 Claude just looked at him for a long while, scanning for an signs of doubt. There weren't any. Not really thinking straight, he picked up the pillow next to Ronald's and pressed it over the blonde's face. "I ... love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That neck gesture means off with their head / death. I don't know if it's the same in other places.


	45. Stupid to trust in you. (Medical profession has failed him.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric gets upset.

 Claude let out a choked sob, pulling the pillow away. "I ... I ... I can't do it ... I'm so sorry." The blonde inhaled sharply, before beginning to bawl.

 The elder dropped the pillow on the bed, before lying at Ronald's side and crying into his shoulder. "I'm ... sorry ... Ronald. I can't ... do it. I can't ... live without you.".

 "N ... Nnn." _But I can't take this anymore ..._

 "I wish I ... could put you out of your misery but I guess ... I must be selfish. Selfish enough ... to want to keep you here."

 Ronald tugged on Claude's shirt. "N ... Nnn." _I don't want to be here!_

 "I'm sorry. I really ... am."

 "Nnn. Nnn."

\--------

 As the weeks dragged on, Ronald was in and out of the hospital again, having prolonged seizures. His weight continued to drop and the doctors kept trying other epilepsy drugs, including ones which weren't commonly used. Still, it did no good and surgery to try to cure his seizures was out of the question. It was too risky, with a history of two brain surgeries and a stroke.

 They also tried different feeds, to see if Ronald could tolerate them better and therefore keep them down. It was no use, as everytime he had a Grand - Mal seizure, he would be sick.

\-----

 By the two month mark after the his discharge, his weight was down to 95lb and the hospital were now considering surgery, where they would insert a tube straight into the small intestine, bypassing the stomach altogether. That way, he would get nutrients even if being sick.

 They were just waiting for the specialist at the hospital to look into his files and decide whether he was suitable for the procedure.

\---

 A few days later, Claude and a sleeping Ronald came back from an appointment with the surgeon. The look on his face as he carried Ronald into the living room said it all.

 "They ... aren't going to operate ... on him, are they?" Alan asked. It was the first time in weeks he'd even been downstairs. His weight was also dropping, being too depressed by the current situation to eat much.

 "No, they are not. For lack of better words, they don't think he will survive the operation. Even one as simple as this one. They think that he is too sick."

 "But if he doesn't-." Eric started.

 "He will probably die. Yes, I know that. I tried to explain that to them but they still wouldn't consider the operation. I don't think it helped that he's been asleep all day. I woke him up for the appointment but he fell back to sleep within moments."

 "But they fitted tha' peg without any issues."

 "I know that but he wasn't ... this sick before."

 "So wha' did they say we should do?"

 "Again, for lack of better words, they said that they would continue to try different doses and combinations of medication. So basically, we just have to hope for the best."

 "But that's crazy."

 Claude shot a glare his way. "You think I do not know that? Of course it's crazy. The medical profession have failed him, as they failed Alan last year and the year before that." He paused and then said "I'm going to bed." He carried Ronald up to the bedroom, feeling exhausted himself.

 Eric looked at Alan. "Guess ya' were right in thinkin' he wouldn't be around for much longer."

 "Yeah."

 "Fuckin' doctors. Why can't they jus' do tha' operation? If he's gunna' die anyway, it's worth a try."

 Alan eyed the ground. "I guess they are hopeful that ... they will find the right balance of medicine soon."

 The blonde laughed bitterly. "There's no hope left. I'm even beginning ta' have doubts 'bout if ya' will ever ge' better."

 "Eric-."

 "Because even after all tha' times ya' promised ta' ge' better, we're back here again. Not eatin' once again. Guess bein' hopeful or trustin' in tha' first place was jus' a waste of time."

 "No-."

 "Claude's idea sounded great. I'm goin' ta' bed."

 "Wait-."

 "I said I'm goin' ta' bed." He walked off, leaving Alan to wallow in self hate and pity even more.

\------

 Two days later, Alan got out of bed and came downstairs. "Alan, can you keep an eye on Ronald for me, while I go for a smoke? He keeps trying to pull his peg port out."

 "Yeah ... sure." Claude left the room and Alan turned to Ronald, who looked deathly pale. "Don't try to ... pull that out, Ronnie. You know that ... it's wider on the inside ... so that it won't come out."

 A very weak sounding "Nnn" came from Ronald's mouth, before his eyes rolled back into his head and he began to have his third seizure of the day. Everyone in the household was used to them now, though it didn't make it any easier to watch.

\-----

 A few more weeks passed and Ronald began to cry out in pain, his stomach constantly hurting. Being so thin now also meant that the pins used for his once shattered knee caps dug into his skin painfully, having no flesh in that area. His muscles also hurt him, from the constant tensing the seizures caused. Various pain killers were given, though most of them would also make the sickness worse.

 Eventually the doctors decided on morphine injections, as the liquid would also be thrown up. Everyone in the house began to realise that his days were indeed numbered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research used:   
> Jpegs   
> Pain killers in injection form.   
> Epilepsy and anesthesia.


	46. Morphine never helped you anyway.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sad sad sad so sad .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set three weeks after the previous chapter.

 His footsteps seemed heavier than usual, as he pushed open the door to the dark bedroom and made his way over to the bed. Ronald didn't look up at him and one didn't know whether he had just lost interest in even his friends or he was just too out of reality to realise anyone was visiting him.

 "Hey, buddy." Eric said, trying to steady his voice. Ronald didn't reply. He hadn't for weeks now. The only noises he made were that of agony. The Morphine had worked for a time but now it didn't seem to be providing much relief.

 He also was being sick constantly, even between seizures. As such, he was just a bag of bones now, skin stretched over them. 95 pounds were stated but everyone knew it had plummeted since then.

 His feeding tube was now used only for rehydration fluid and even that was vomited up throughout the day.

 Eric reached out a hand, running fingers through Ronald's hair. Where there was once a glossy, thick maine, his hair was thin and brittle from malnutrition. "Came ta' keep ya' company for a bit." Claude only came up to clean him and tend to his basic needs. It hurt too much to see a once bubbly youth broken into a empty shell. Days were spent at work and then with a packet of Cocaine or bottle of vodka in hand.

 Eric moved under the three layers of blankets, though he knew Ronald would still be deathly cold. He wrapped an arm around the boy, trying to press as little weight down as possible. Still, fragile and struggling even under the thick material of his bed and dressing gown, Ronald whimpered. Through the pain, he snuggled back into Eric, bones digging into the large man's chest.

 Though weak, he still loved affection. That hadn't changed, even if his body had failed time and time again. One could not tell this however, as smiling was too much effort and eyes were void of anything but pain; dull and dead looking. That's what upset Claude most, eyes once so beautiful losing their crystal clear shine.

 Death would soon be approaching anyway. Everyone knew as such. The medical profession had failed him and his body was cracking under the pressure. Weeks or days, no one was quite sure. But soon, too soon for a gem like him to be lost to them.

 Tears fell from his eyes, as he pressed a soft kiss to the back of Ronald's head. He knew a conversation would soon be required. Ronald wanted to die, the violent clawing on his arm had proved such. One of them had to broach the subject. The hows and whens. That didn't matter, the outcome would be the same. With a heavy heart and quivering lip, Eric held him closer. He would be the one to bring it up; the way in which to end the poor boy's suffering.


	47. Joint decisions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Much sadness :(:(

***Alan's Pov***

As Eric left the room, Alan walked up to him in the hallway. "How ... is he?" He received no reply but the tears drying on Eric's face before he walked away gave him his answer.

 Alan hadn't been to see Ronald in a few days. It was just too painful a sight. He knew that he had to keep him company at some point and he was right outside the bedroom door. Not going to see him would be too cold hearted and the brunette was anything but that.

 Stepping into the room, he found Ronald lying on his side. "Hey ... Ronnie. How are you ... feeling?" He asked, kneeling down at the side of the bed. Ronald didn't answer. _Why did ... I ask that? Idiot. He's ... not going to be ... feeling good at all._

 Placing a hand to Ronald's forehead, he felt that he had a fever again. "You're ... getting poorly again." _Should I phone the doctor? No, he's ... barely clinging to life anyway._ The blonde tensed under his hand, before seizing. Pulling the covers back slightly, Alan rubbed his back softly, whispering comforting words to him.

 A gag was heard and a small amount of bile ran from Ronald's mouth, down onto a towel covering his pillow. That cloth was a necessity, with all the times he would be sick.

 Once the seizure ended, a few minutes later, Alan eased the towel from under his head, making him whimper at being moved slightly.

 As a clean town was placed under his head, he looked up, eyes shining with unshed tears.  
"Please ... don't cry, Ronnie." It was too late, silent trickles beginning to cascade down his face. They were wiped away by Alan quickly. _You're ... in so much pain. It's so unfair. Why ... you? You ... were always the strong one. The one ... with a fighting spirit. You shouldn't ... have to waste away into ... nothing like this. That's a fitting end for ... someone weak and ... pathetic like me ... but not you._

 He moved under the covers in much the same way as Eric had, arm moving around the frail teenager to hold his hand, as Ronald's body shook from unheard sobs. _We need to ... end your ... suffering. Somehow._

***No Pov***

 Unknown to the Eric, it was Alan who would beat him to discussing Ronald's death. As Alan moved into the kitchen, around noon, he spotted Claude and Eric sitting there in silence. Not really thinking, just acting on emotions, he spoke. "It's just ... not right to let Ronnie ... be in so much pain."

 Claude shot him an annoyed glare. "What would you have me do about that, help him kill himself?"

 Alan eyed the floor. "Y ... yes."

 "You have got to be bloody joking."

 "No. I'm ... not."

 "What the hell is wrong with you?! Eric tell him that he's mistak-.".

 "No, actually ... I think Al's right." Eric stated, looking between the two other males.

 It was the blonde's turn to receive a dirty look. "You really think so? After you were the one vouching for his recovery?

 "Well, he obviously isn't goin' ta' recover."

 Alan entered the conversation again. "I think ... helping him to pass would be for the best. He's in more pain ... day after day. He ... does want to die.

 "I ... am aware of that." Claude let out a long sigh and rubbed his eyes. He would not let his tears fall. The two had seen him cry far too much while high the past couple of weeks. He'd be damned if he would show such weakness sober.

 "Yeah ... we can all see how miserable he is. It's not fair ta' let him die in agony. We ... should end it for him ... as quickly as we can." Eric said.

 "Fine. I will ask him about it now. If he does want to die ... I'll come up with a plan. But if he goes ... I go too."

 Before either could reply, Claude had disappeared from the room and up the stairs. On going into their bedroom, he could hear Ronald groaning in pain. Moving closer, he could see the blonde visibly shivering and cursed whichever of the other two had forgotten to pull the covers back over him.

 Doing such, he sat on the very edge of the bed. "Ronald." The teenager continued to make pained sounds. "Please look at me." Eventually he did and Claude let himself cry then. "Do ... you really wish to die? Like you stated weeks ago?" Ronald just stared at him. "I mean ... do you wish for me to help you end your life?"

 He nodded and Claude said. "I need to hear it properly. Do you wish ... me to?"

 "Hnn." He replied hoarsely, having not spoken that word in weeks.

 "You are sure?"

 "H ... Hnn."

 "Then ... I will not deny you this one ... wish."

 "Hnn."

 Claude left the room swiftly, once he had placed a tender kiss to Ronald's forehead and told him that he loved him dearly. He then composed himself. On entering the kitchen again, he eyed the couple. "He ... has confirmed his wish. Go and say your goodbyes. He will be passing tonight."

 "T ... tonight?" Alan stammered.

 "Yes ... before I have time to think of this situation properly."

 "How are ya' gunna' do it?" Eric asked.

 "I have that figured out, though I wish not to burden you with the details." He grabbed his coat and left the house, heading to his desired destination. He had to obtain the supplies.


	48. Envision a life without you. I just ... can't.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claude and Sebastian feels in this chap. Small non/ con scene at the beggining of the chapter. 
> 
> Alan and Eric feels in next chap. Decided to split this in half, as the longer it gets, the more likely I am not to spot typos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too much sadness.

***Claude'sPov***

 Once telling Hannah what he needed from her, she grinned at him. "That's quite a lot to ask of me. Such a large amount."

 "I have the money."

 She took a step closer to him, hand reaching down to his crotch. "That's not what I'm looking for."

 "Don't be fool-."

 "Do you have anyone else who could give you what you ask for?"

 "I - no."

 Her hands moved to unbuckle his belt. "Then make love to me."

  _Do not say such disgusting things. ... I'll never love you. but what choice do I have, really?_ "Fine. Do to me as you wish."

 She giggled. "Oh no. You'll be the one doing things to me." Letting out a sigh, Claude let her drag him upstairs to bed and remove his clothes. She slipped her own off, before lifting a hand to stroke him into hardness. Once achieved, she said "Well, come on then."

 With a shaky breath, Claude pushed her down into the covers, wrapping her legs around his waist. _Oh ... Ronald. Please do forgive me for this. She means nothing to me._ He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out what was happening, as he entered her. _How ... disgusting of me._

\----

***No Pov***

 A little over an hour passed before she was satisfied and gave him what he had come to her house for. He left and before going home, he walked a little down the street. There was something he had to do first.

 He knocked on the door and it soon opened to reveal Sebastian. "Oh, hello."

 "May I come in?" Claude asked.

 "Of course."

 He entered the house. "There's something I need to speak to you about privately."

 "Well Adrian is out visiting Grell, so the house is as private as can be. Would you like some tea?"

 "No."

 "Is everything alright?" He took in Claude's appearance. "You look quite dishevelled."

 "I ... am fine."

 "Then why do you look as if you are about to cry?"

 Claude let out a shaky breath. "I am perfectly fine."

 "Claude-."

 "I just came to apologise."

 "For what?" Sebastian asked, frowning slightly.

 "For leaving you when your mother was dying. I have wanted to apologise for it for some time."

 "It is quite alright. Am I right in thinking that you did it to protect me?"

 "That is correct."

 "It see. I forgave you for quite some time ago. Though I must ask, why now? It strikes me as strange that you would apologise after so much time."

 "The time just seemed right."

 "No other reason?"

 "No."

 Sebastian took a step closer to him. "Really? I have known you long enough to be able to see when you are not telling me something. So, please do give me the real reason."

 "You wouldn't want to know."

 "Wouldn't I? I assure you that I do wish to know."

 "It is not ... important."

 Sebastian flashed him a sweet smile. "It is. If you would come to visit me when Ronald is so ill, the reason must be important."

 "It is because Ronald is so sick that I came."

 "Oh? Has his ... condition worsened?"

 "Not since you visited a few days ago, no."

 "Then why have you come?" Sebastian asked, slightly confused.

 "Because ... he will be passing tonight and I will be helping him."

 With that statement, it clicked. "You ... are not thinking of joining him?"

 "I am."

 "But ... that's silly. Don't throw your life -."

 Claude glared at him. "He is my life. He has become the only reason for living."

 Sebastian eyed him, before sighing. "You cannot live without him?"

 "Of course not."

 "Is there nothing anyone could say to change your mind on this?"

 "There is not."

 Claude was pulled into a tight hug. "But ... I don't want you to go."

 "Sebastian, please do not make this any harder than it already is."

 Sebastian's hand gripped the back of his shirt. "But ... part of me ... still loves you."

 "Don't be foolish. Adrian is far better for you than I ever was."

 "That is true but ..."

 "You know yourself that you have moved on. Just because ... I'm leaving, don't fool yourself into thinking that you still love me."

 "Adrian may be the only man for me but you still have a place in my heart and not just because you wish to die."

 "Sebas-."

 "Please do not do this. Maybe Ronald will recover-." Sebastian began, beginning to cry."

 "He won't! He doesn't want to even try to fight on anymore and neither do I! Please ..." He wrapped his arms around Sebastian's torso. "Just try to accept it. I can't be happy without him."

 "Never. I'll never accept such awful news."

 -----

****An hour later. Alan's Pov****

 Back at the house, Alan and Eric were preparing to say their goodbyes. "Do you ... really think Claude will ... kill himself too?"

 "Dunno." Eric replied.

 "We should ... try to convince him not to."

 "Why? If we were in their position, I would do the same. I couldn't live wi'out ya'. Nothin' anyone said could change my mind."

 "I ... guess you're right. I'd ... die without you too."

 Eric huffed. "Really? 'Cause ya' not exactly livin' for me, are ya'?"

 "What-."

 "I mean, ya' obviously don't want ta' stick around ta' be wi' me. Look how thin ya' 'ave gotten again."

 "Eric-."

 "Ya' went back on ya' word again. Ya' nothin' but a lyin' piece of shit." He stood up from his bed. "I'm goin' ta' go say goodbye. Alone." He left Alan alone in the room, who began to cry. _He's right. All the times ... I have broken his trust. I'm ... such a terrible person._

\-----

***Sebastian's Pov***

 Sebastian was now on the sofa with Claude, head in his lap. "Please don't ... do this! You have people who love you, who care for you!" He cried.

 "Please stop blubbering like a baby." Claude said, though he also had tears leaking from his eyes. It pained him to see the man he once loved broken by his choices. "I ... thought you respected me enough to accept my decisions?"

 "I do ... respect you but I also love you. I cannot bear to think of ... you passing tonight."

 "Then pretend I didn't say anything."

 "You bloody fool. How can you think that ... possible?"

 "If you still ... do love me as you think you do, let me find happiness. I cannot be happy without Ronald."

 There was a pause, before Sebastian replied. "Yes ... I suppose I do wish for your happiness but-."

"Then when I am truly gone, move on. Do not stagnate. Isn't that what your first love told you? Move on from me completely and love Adrian to your fullest."

 "I suppose you ... are correct. Maybe I am just afraid of life without you." He sat up to look at him. "But ... I guess I have to respect your decision. Nothing I say can change your ... mind, as much as I wish for you to reconsider. You have made that quite clear."

 "Thank you."

 Sebastian pecked him on the cheek, receiving a confused look from him. "A goodbye kiss. No ... more, no less." He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "Let me at least make you something nice to eat. If tonight is indeed going to be your last."

"I appreciate the gesture. Thank you."

 Sebastian stood up and headed to the kitchen. _If Adrian is my true love and my whole life, why is my heart ... shattering at the thought of losing you? Why can I not envision life without you?_


	49. Goodbye, my friend.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I did this chapter a little differently, with Alan and Eric's thoughts in italics and Ronald's in bold italics. Feels. So many feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watching aot on my phone while writing. Who wouldn't want people being eaten to add to their angsty mood?

***Eric and Ronald’s Pov**

 Eric entered the bedroom slowly. Did he really want to say goodbye? He didn’t want any of this to be happening to begin with but he couldn’t let Ronald go without telling him how much he meant to him. Making his way over to the bed, he saw that Ronald was pale and sweaty. _He looks so poorly …._

 He slid under the covers next to Ronald, scooping him up and placing him on his lap, wrapping the sheets around them. The smaller man whimpered, before snuggling closer. “Hey, buddy. Claude’s gunna’ help ya’ tonight ta’ …” _I can’t … even say it._

 “Hnn.”

 Eric sighed, looking down at him. “I - goodbyes aren’t really my strong point, Ronnie.” Ronald moved his arm weakly, grabbing Eric’s hand and giving it a comforting squeeze, before it jerked away. “Thanks.”

 He held Ronald closely, just watching him for over half an hour. The way his chest would rise and fall, knowing that soon it wouldn’t at all. Finally he spoke again, his voice cracking. “I … always kinda’ jus’ assumed that ya’ would ge’ better. I never … for a minute thought tha’ it would come ta’ this. Part of me still hopes tha’ you’ll pull through, as stupid as tha’ sounds.”

 Ronald just looked at him. **_How many times have I hoped for the same thing? It … is too late now though, right? I’ll never get better, will I?_**

 “Tha’ doesn’t … really matter anymore though, does it? I guess wha’ I need ta’ say is thank you. For helpin’ when Alan was in a bad state and for all the laughs we’ve had together. Ya’ really are an epic best friend.” _Too good a friend to lose._ Tears slipped from his eyes and Ronald tried to raise his hand to wipe them away. Weakness being an issue, he tried again and slowly reached up to brush the tears away with his thumb. His arm quickly fell back down with a small thump.

 “Thanks, buddy. I really … am goin’ ta’ miss ya’, so much. Life’s gunna’ seem so empty wi’out ya’.”

 “Hnn.”

 Eric smiled sadly. “But maybe … somehow you won’t die tonight. Maybe you’ll ge’ better and ge’ married and do all tha’ things tha’ ya’ wanted ta’ do.”

 ** _That’s never going to happen…_** “Nnn.”

 “Yeah … guess I’m jus’ full of false hope. I’m jus’ gunna’ miss ya’ ta’ hell and back. I love ya’, mate.”

 “Hnn.” **_I’m going to miss y’ too._**

 Eric rested his head on top of Ronald’s. “Why did things have ta’ come to this, ay? It’s … jus’ so unfair.”

 “Hnn.”

 Eric sighed. “Like I said … I’m no good at goodbyes.”

 Ronald nodded. **_Neither am I._**

\----

 Eric stayed with him for a while longer, clinging to him and sobbing, before going back to his bedroom. _I’m not ready to lose ya’. Not now, not ever._ He found Alan curled up on the bed. “I think ya’ should go and see Ronnie now.”

 Alan sat up and looked over at him. “Eric … I’m sorry about -.”

 “Shut it. I don’t want ta’ hear anymore lies.”

 “But-.”

 “Save ya’ tears for Ronnie.” He left the room, to go downstairs for a while.

\----

***Alan and Ronald’s Pov***

 Alan moved into the bedroom. “Hey … Ronnie.” He found Ronald curled up into a ball, facing the centre of the bed. Small whimpers and groans were slipping from his mouth. “Are you in pain?”

 “Hnn.” **_My body hurts so much. At least it will be over soon …._**

 “I … I’m sorry.” Ronald patted the top of the cover in front of him. “You … want me to … lie down?”

 “Hnn.”

 Alan moved under the covers and Ronald pulled his arm under it, gripping onto Alan’s jumper. Alan reached around to rub his back softly, snuggling up to him. Looking him in the eyes, he said. “You’ll be … leaving us soon.”

 “Hnn.”

 “I … I’m really – why did this have to … happen? Why … couldn’t it be me in your place? You … deserve to be happy.”

 “Nnn.” **_I’d rather it be me … than y’ any day._**

 “I love … you Ronnie. I’ll always be … thinking of you. You’ll always … have a place in my thoughts and in my heart.”

**_So will y’._ **

 Alan lost it then, beginning to sob harshly. Ronald lifted his arm with effort, to wipe the tears and then wrapped it around him. _You shouldn’t … be the one comforting me. You’re so strong … Ronnie. Why can’t I be like you?_ Comfort him Ronald did, for the next half an hour, before his exhausted body succumb to sleep.

 Alan placed a kiss on Ronald’s head, before easing himself from under him. He moved downstairs to find that Claude had just returned home. To his dismay, he realised that his chance to say a proper goodbye had slipped between his fingers.

 “I’ll be putting this plan into motion at 9pm.” Claude stated. “At 11pm, come into the bedroom. That will be plenty of time for us to have achieved what we had set out to do.” The couple nodded and Claude made his way upstairs.

 Eric let out a long sigh. “Al, I’m sorry for … bein’ so mean earlier. It’s jus’ tha’ I’m upset ‘bout … everythin’.”

 “It’s okay. We … can talk about it … another time.”

 “Yeah. There’s bigger problems ta’ face right now.”

 “Exactly.”

\----

***Sebastian’s Pov***

 “What’s wrong, Bassy?” Adrian asked, seeing Sebastian crying from his position sitting in a kitchen chair.

 “It’s nothing really.” Sebastian stated, looking up at him.

 “Come on, tell me.”

 “Claude just said something that upset me. Like I said, it’s nothing important.”

 Adrian grinned at him. “Want me to stick him in a coffin once I graduate? I’d quite enjoy that.” It took all of Sebastian’s willpower to not start wailing at that statement. _He’s not going to last that long …_


	50. It's not the goodbyes that hurt but the flashbacks that follow.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song used. Whitney Houston. I will always love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Makes me cry :(

Impending death hung thick in the air. With a heavy heart and eyes that failed to contain tears, Claude picked up the needle. Enough Heroin as stated by Hannah.

 Ronald was lying on the bed, a small smile on his face. His boney chest rising and falling in excitement. He was trying hard to be happy about this, though second thoughts were being pushed to the back of his mind. No, the pain had to end. A shell of what he once was could no longer exist.

 They had made love for the last time, Ronald indicating for such an action to be carried out between them. Claude was as gentle as could be, though the whimpers and tears had shown the pain he was causing the frail boy.

 Ronald had his favorite t-shirt on, a Batman bandana around his head. He'd smiled at that, gaunt cheeks and sharp jawline surrounding the dullness of his eyes. His eyes never bore happiness these days and they didn't right now.

 A tie was pulled around his arm, Claude pressing kisses to the skin under it and then to his wrist. Ronald raised a tired hand, cupping his cheek. The needle was raised. "Nnn!"

 "Shush, my angel. Your pain will soon be over. I know you are frightened but be brave."

 Ronald shook his head.  _No ... I've changed my mind! I don't want to risk ... never seeing you again. And what if Eric's right and ... there's a chance I can fight my way out of this? Please ... look me in the eyes and see that I'm having second thoughts._ "N-".

 It was far too late to turn back now; the needle pressed into his skin. The liquid entered him and Claude disposed of the needle next to a full one. He intended to die tonight, once he was sure that Ronald was at peace. That way, the police would think it was just a shoot up gone wrong.

 A few moments in, Ronald's body began to spasm, the drug lowing his seizure threshold further. He coughed, bile and saliva sliding down his chin, liquid running down his legs.

 Claude pulled him close, soothing his hair and kissing his forehead and cheek. "It will be over in a few moments. I have you safe in my arms for the time being."

 A sound between a choke and a scream left the blonde, as he began to gag, tears streaming from once dry eyes. Even the high couldn't mask the agony shooting through his body. _No I don't want ... to die! I made ... a mistake. Ah ... it hurts. Please make it ... stop!_

\-----

 Next door, Eric had his face pressed into Alan's chest, loud sobs wracking his large frame. He knew what was happening, his closest friend fading away just down the hallway. Alan rubbed his back, shocked and silent tears streaming down his face from wide, scared eyes.

\----

 Ronald made another screaming sound, so sharp it pierced the air. His legs kicked against the covers, back arching and nails drawing blood from his palms. It was excruciating. He choked, thrashing around in Claude's arms, skin turning paler. " Shush, my darling boy. You're close now. I love you so much. It'll all be over in a few seconds."

 The couple's favorite song played quietly in the corner of the room, Claude breathing out the chorus, helping Ronald through his last moments, as he panted, gasped, whined, screamed and whimpered in quick succession.

 _If I should stay_  
_I would only be in your way_  
_So I'll go but I know_  
_I'll think of you every step of the way_  
_And I... will always love you, ooh_  
_Will always love you_  
_You_  
_My darling, you..._  
_Mmm-mm_  
_Bittersweet memories –_  
_That is all I'm taking with me._  
_So good-bye._  
_Please don't cry:_  
_We both know I'm not what you, you need_  
_And I... will always love you_  
_I... will always love you_  
_You, ooh_  
_I hope life treats you kind_  
_And I hope you have all you've dreamed of_  
_And I wish you joy and happiness_  
_But above all this I wish you love_  
_And I... will always love you_  
_I will always love you_  
_I will always love you_  
_I will always love you_  
_I will always love you_  
_I, I will always love you._  
_You._  
_Darling, I love you._  
_I'll always..._  
_I'll always love you._  
_Ooh_  
_Ooh_  
\----

  _But ... I don't want to go. Please ... someone help me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably won't update for a few days, as I want to update my Claude/ Ronald spin off a lot first.
> 
> Would really appreciate comments on this one ;)


	51. Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend .... And I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have tears upon tears streaming rn. Time for a cigarette.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Split this in two. That's why it's a faster update than expected. 900 words of pure angst and feelzzzz.

 Maybe the saddest aspect of this whole affair was that Claude knew Ronald was having second thoughts. It was written all over his face. And yet, Claude pushed that drug into his vein. It turned from assisted suicide to a murder. One out of love and mercy but a murder nonetheless.

 Maybe it was selfish. He did it not for the fact of ending Ronald's misery but because he didn't want to see Ronald in pain any longer.

 Why such a method one may ask? Because he wanted to hold and comfort Ronald in his last moments. He could not do such if he drowned him in the bath, neither could he hold him tenderly while smothering him with a pillow. Plus, it was fitting to kill both his love and himself with this method. He was a drug abuser after all. Such awful irony.

\-----

***Eric's pov***

 Eric had been crying for three hours straight. He didn't want the tears to end, as his own sobs could muffle his thoughts somewhat.

 Alan looked at the clock on the night stand. "Eric ... it's half eleven. You should ... have checked on them ... half an hour ago."

 "It ... it's tha' time already? No, it's too soon to - it's way too soon. I can't see them like this. Not yet. Not any time soon. Shit, no-."

 "Do you want me to ... go instead?"

"No ... no, I said tha' I would do it. I'd find them and call tha' ambulance." He moved his head from Alan's chest and stood up. "I'll ... do it, don't worry." _I can't let you see that, see them like this. It'd crush ya'. Ya' would be in an even worse state if you saw ...._

 The walk to the couple's bedroom seemed to take longer than ever before, though Eric wished he'd never reach their door. He wasn't ready for this. Far from ready. Truth be told, he'd never be ready to find his best friends - his family dead."

 Finally, he reached his destination and with a body that trembled like it had been submerged in Atlantic waters, he turned the knob. Opening the door, he was almost sick at the sight.

\-----

***Sebastian's Pov****

 Around the same time, Sebastian slid out of bed, Adrian snoring softly from his sleeping position. He ran a bath. Maybe this would calm him? Maybe he'd finally be able to stop blubbering like a baby? That's what Claude had compared him - _Claude ... how did it ever come to this?_

He looked in the mirror, before stripping off. His eyes were red and puffy, his skin pale just like Ronald's had been the week before. _Ronald ... what an awful shame it is for a boy so young to ...._

 Once undressed, he stepped into the hot water. A loud sob wracked him and he pressed his hands over his mouth, not wanting to wake Adrian. He'd shown enough weakness since Claude had left the house and though Adrian had tried his best to comfort him, he didn't understand why Sebastian was so upset.

 The man hadn't told him anything of what Claude had said. If he did, it would be set in stone. Claude's death would become reality and maybe not just some awful nightmare. _Maybe if I pinch myself, I'll wake up and this will all be a figment of my imagination._

 Knowing that it was indeed not his mind playing tricks on him, he curled his knees to his chest, before leaning his chin on them and wrapping shaking arms around them.

W _hy do I find my heart breaking because of you for the second time? I would be okay if only you were still alive. I could handle knowing that I'd never be your partner again, as long as I knew that you were alive and happy._

_I love you ... Claude. Maybe more than I realised. More than I would ever tell you again. Part of me still loves you? No ... all of me loves you. Though in equal measure, I love Adrian just the same. Maybe in different ways but - just please don't be dead. Please just have survived tonight, so I can try to convince you that life is worth living. Please ... that is my only wish. Just ... live. I cannot live knowing that ... maybe somehow I could have talked you out of it. That someone ... I could have saved a life tonight._

\------

 As soon as Eric had left the room, Titan trotted through the half open door and jumped up on the bed with Alan. "Hey ... boy. Can ... I tell you something? A secret? Eric wouldn't understand."

 The pup placed a paw on the teenager's lap, tilting his head at him. "Thank you. Well it's just ... that now they are gone ... I'll soon be joining them. Me and ... Eric will be parting ways soon. This ... is mostly my fault ... so I don't deserve to live. The longer I do ... the more people will die. Tomorow ... I'll end it all."

 The dog pined softly. "I know ... I'll miss you too. I just ... needed to talk to someone ... who wouldn't shout at me or get angry. I just ... can't do this anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone get the death note reference?
> 
> Also, the last chapter made at least three people cry. Success!


	52. I'll never forget that night, you with skin as white as depressing hospital walls.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is sad. So sad. 
> 
> Also. I've reached chapter 150 of elan! Woah. 
> 
> Sorry that this update was later than I expected. Killer migraine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh before reading this. If you want more feels, read my spin off 'you are the only one for me' chapters 'visions of a life we can only hope for.'  
> 'just kill me.'   
> 'in the arms of an angel...'  
> 'make love to me one more time...'

 Eric hadn't been ready at all for what he was currently seeing. Ronald and Claude were lying on their sides on top of the bed. He could see Ronald's arms, skin white, almost translucent. They matched the hospital walls he'd been surrounded by for the past year.

 A flinch was earned, when Claude sat up and looked over at him. "Wha' tha' hell? I thought -."

 "It didn't work." Claude turned to face Ronald. "Stop fighting it. You're just drawing your pain out for longer." Ronald let out a weak whimper.

 "How did it not - wait, ya' never even told us how ya' was gunna' do it?" _Because I didn't wanna' die, Eric, not really. You were right. I can still fight for what ... I want in life. I have to dig my heels in and fight as hard as I can. I can't ... just die like this._

 "Heroin overdose. In guessing that that vile woman didn't give me enough. I couldn't give him ... the other dose, my dose, it was too painful to do so the first time." _What!? Y' were gunna' kill y'self too!? Why didn't y' tell me? I'd have never ... asked y' to kill me in the first place if I'd have known that!_

 "Oh" was all Eric could muster up as a reply, as he sat at Ronald's side on the very edge of the bed. The small man was shivering all over.

 "Not that it matters. The comedown has affected his body further." Claude stated and the large man took a good look at Ronald. He was extremely pale and pasty, sweat coating his brow and neck. "He probably won't survive the night."

  _I will! I ... have to. I - if only I could speak. I should try. Maybe if I put my mind to it, I will be able to. I did last time, before the stroke. At least I think I did._

 Eric paused for a moment. "I don't know. If he survived this far -."

 "Don't be foolish enough to think that he will get better just because the Heroin wasn't of sufficient enough quantity. Can you not see how ill he appears? His fever is even worse than earlier."

 "Yeah ... ya' probably right." _No! He ... he's not. Even when y' thought I'd die ... y' still hoped that I'd pull through! I ... refuse to give up. Don't ... give up on me, like everyone else. If only I could get my words out. I'm trying to. I ... I really am._

 "And if he does survive the night, well just try again tomorrow. An alternative method that cannot fail."

 "Nnn." Came a weak reply. _Fuck! That wasn't what I was trying to say! Come on Blondie, try harder!_

 "I don't think ... he wants ta' try again." Eric stated.

 "The other option is letting him die in agony. I'm will not let that happen."

  _No! Ahh ... fuck! Come on brain ... make words! I - this is my last chance. Please for once ... don't fail me. If I don't ... say something ... I'll be a goner._

 "But-." Eric began.

 "But nothing. He has suffered for long -."

 "N ... no g ... go."

 The two other men's eyes went wide. "Ronald ... did you just ...?" Claude asked, in utter shock.

  _I ... did it?_ "No ... g ... go. No ... died - d ... die."

 "But, Ronald. You are going to die soon regardless." He couldn't believe that Ronald was actually forming words and neither could Eric.

 "No - f ... fight. W - wanna' ... l ... live."

 "But that isn't -."

 "Hey! If he wants ta' fight, le' him." Eric scooped Ronald up carefully, though he still whimpered in pain. "Sorry, mate. Didn't mean ta' hurt ya'." He stated, as he placed Ronald on his lap, letting the tiny man rest his sweaty head on his shoulder, not caring for the urine that was soaking into his clothing.

 Taking in Ronald's appearance, he saw that his eyes kept opening and slipping shut. Eric's own filled with tears. "Ya' think ya' can fight through this?"

 "Want ... ta' ... t ... try."

 "Then I know ya' can do it. Especially if ya' put ya' mind ta' it." He rested his forehead against Ronald's hair, tears leaking down onto it. "I ... I'm so relieved tha' ya' still wi' us, buddy."

 "Me ... tha - too."

 Claude stared at them. Maybe there was a tiny bit of hope? Eric cuddled Ronald closer, small sobs slipping from him. "I ... couldn't imagine life wi'out ya'."

 "Hnn." _Fuck ... come on, concentrate._ "Y ... yeah." _And the rest!_ "You'd ... been - be ... b ... bored ... wi' ... o ... out tha' ... Ron ... s ... star a ... round."

 With a sniff, Eric smiled. "We would tha'." More sobs soon followed. "I know tha' ya' can do this."

 "Y ... ye ... yeah." Ronald gagged at the end of his sentence, more bile slipping from his mouth onto Eric's shirt.

 The large man rubbed his back. "It's ... all gunna" be alright."

 "Y ... yep." Ronald's eyes slipped shut fully.

\------

 If only he knew that the more he fought, the worse things would get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *wiggles eyebrows*


	53. Grating agony.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit gruesome this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tried to show how broken up and mixed up Ronald's wording is.

 Hannah laughed to herself, as she discharged her used spliff in the ashtray."Oh, Claude. Ya' fool. Did ya' really think that ya' could fool me? Like I was going to let ya' kill ya'self. Na, too good a shag for that, mate."

\------

 As Eric was about to put a sleeping Ronald back onto the bed, he began to seize again, waking himself up in the process. He was placed on his side, until the seizure ended.  
Once it had, Eric asked "ya' alright, mate?"

 Still dazed, it took him a while to answer. "Y ... y ... eh."

 "Let's ge' ya' all cleaned up, okay?" He went to lift Ronald up.

 "No ... d ... don't. Don't ... pluck - p ... ick me up any ... m ... more. It ... H ... hurts."

 "Ronald." Claude said. "If you want to live, it would be best to get clean. If you stay dirty for too long, you'll just make your fever worse."

 "F ... fine."

 "Eric, go get some rest. I'll take it from here."

\-----

****Alan's thoughts.****

 Once at his own bedroom door, he entered to find Alan cuddled up to Titan. "Did ... you phone -."

 "Ronnie survived." Eric said blunted.

 "What ... about Claude?"

 "He's alive too. He tried ta' overdose him on Heroin but it didn't work."

 "Oh ... good."

 "Ronnie's gunna' try ta' fight. He wants ta' recover. Shame tha' the same can't be said for ya'."

 "I thought ... you were sorry about -."

 "For gettin' angry, yeah. Doesn't mean I'll ever forgive ya' for lyin' ta' me again though. I really can't be doin' wi' ya' shit on top of Ronnie's illness right now though."

 "I'm sorry, I -."

 "I'm breakin' up wi' ya'. Movin' ta' tha' spare room."

 "What!? No ... Eric ... please, I love ... you."

 "Ya' really don't. All I've ever done is be there for ya' and ya' jus' throw it back in my face."

 "Eric-."

 "Night." With that, he moved to the spare bedroom.

  _But I thought you loved me? Why ... are you giving up on me but ... not Ronnie? No ... you deserve better anyway. You ... always have._

\-----

****Ronald's Pov****

 Once bathing Ronald, Claude carried him back to the bedroom. The blonde was groaning in pain. "Let's get you in bed so you can rest some."

 Ronald was placed in bed, the covers pulled up over him. "B ... babe?"

 "Yes, my love?"

 "Why ... does - didn't ... y' ... t .. tell me 'bout ... k ... killing y'self ... t ... too?"

 "It wasn't important."

 "B ... bull ... s ... ship. S ... ship." _I meant shit! What the fuck?_ "It wasn't - was ... w ...was important. 'Cause y' ... everythin' ta' m ... me."

"I knew that you wouldn't accept it. That you wouldn't go through with dying if you knew of my own plan and I ... didn't want you to suffer anymore."

 "Of ... course ... I ... wid - wouldn't. Y' ... deserve ta' ... loo - live l ... ife happy."

 "I couldn't be happy without you."

 "On - oh. W ... week - well I'm ... n ... not ge - goin' anywhere."

 "Okay."

 "Is ... this - tha' ... all y' ... c ... can said - say?"

 "I just don't want you in pain anymore. That is all. Now get some rest. You obviously need it, getting your words all mixed up like that."

"Hnn." _Yeah ... sleep sounds good right now. My body is killing me._

\----

****Alan's Pov****

 In the room down the hallway, Alan left to go downstairs to the kitchen. Opening the drawer, he let out an irritated sigh at seeing the plastic utensils. _There's got ... to be something sharp in here._

 Rooting around, he couldn't find any scissors or small knives. What he did find though was a cheese grater. He lifted his jumper sleeve and pressed the metal to his arm. Pressing down further, he rubbed at his skin. A minute or so of rough motions passed, before his skin broke and tore. He continued to harm himself, until the length of the top of his arm was a congealed, bloodied mess. He then switched to the other side. 

_It's what I deserve._

\-----

***Eric's pov***

 Eric tossed and turned into the early hours of the morning. It seemed odd to be in the spare room without Ronald and Alan, almost an empty, hollow feeling. _Ugh ... I miss Al already. Na ... I don't. He ... just abuses my trust. I don't need that shit in my life._

\-----

****Claude's Pov****

 From around 3am, Ronald began to have seizure after seizure, triggered off by his high fever. Claude had been awake so far, keeping an eye on him but he didn't phone an ambulance. Part of him still wanted Ronald to pass away in the night. To finally be at peace and without pain. _I wish you wouldn't ... put yourself through more agonising days._

 He moved from the bedroom, coming back with a damp cloth in hand. Ronald was awake now, tears streaming down his face. "H ... hurts. It ... r ... really hurts. Ah ... s ... ship ... make I - it s ... stop." His breath was coming out as short pants, his body shaking and jerking violently even with such weakened limbs.

 Claude placed the cloth to his forehead. _I wish I could make it stop ... but you insist on trying to survive. Is ... there any hope left? Probably not. Why won't you just accept your fate ... so I can give you a peaceful end? No ... maybe ... you are strong enough and things will start to improve soon._

\-----  
 If only Claude and the rest of the family knew that the rest of the day would just bring more pain and heartbreak.


	54. 360 degree turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad...

 A loud scream permeated the room, one filled with complete agony. Ronald gripped the bedsheets, eyes screwing shut.

 "It's alright, buddy." Eric said, soothing Ronald's hair. _Man, his fever's just getting worse. Now ... that he can speak ... his words are breaking my heart._

 "N ... no. I - it ... r ... really h ... hurts. I ... n ... neat - n ... need ... d ... drink."

 "Ya' want one of them satchets?" Ronald nodded. "Ya' think ya' will be able ta' keep it down?"

 "T ... try."

\-----

 Downstairs, Claude had just arrived home from getting some shopping, before the stores shut early from it being a Sunday. As he put the food away, the door bell rang. Opening it, he froze.

 "Claude ... you're still with us." Sebastian looked just as exhausted as he felt, dark circles under his eyes. Claude was pulled into a tight embrace. "Thank ... goodness. I ... was so worried." Sebastian cried.

 "I'm fine. Ronald is still alive."

 "He is? That is ... marvellous."

 "Now that you know that I'm still breathing, please leave."

 "What? Why?"

 "Because I have enough problems without you crying on my shoulder."

 Sebastian pulled away. "That's cold. After all I've done for-."

 "You were the one who wanted to stay in my life, even after Baldroy tried to kill you. I didn't ask for your help. I never have."

 "Claude-."

 "Because you know, all I do is cause pain to others. Ronald might be alive for now but for how much longer?" His voice began to crack."I ... I can't take much more of this. Why ... is life ... so ... bloody ... hard?!" His knees gave out and he fell to the floor.

 The other man was at his side in an instant, pulling him into a sideways hug. "Things will improve." He let out a shaky breath. "I'm just so glad ... that you are alive."

 "And yet ... I wish I was dead."

\------

Back upstairs, Ronald had just been sick onto a towel on his pillow. Once changed, he said. "A ... again. I ... wash - w ... want ta' ... t ... try ... a ... gain."

 "But ya' will jus' be sick again."

 "Jus' ... d ... do it." Another rehydration satchet was mixed and pushed slowly through the tube of his feeding peg. Within a few moments, that too was thrown up. He whimpered in pain, gripping the sheets harder, before speaking shakily. "A ... again."

 "But-."

 "I'm ... k ... keepin' somethin' down if it ... k ... kills me!"

 "Ya' should leave it for today, try again tomorrow."

 "Nnn!" He paused, trying to form words again. "I ... might net - n ... not last until ... t .. tomorow. One ... m ... more g ... go, p ... please."

 Eric sighed. "Okay but only one more."

 -----

 Five minutes later, he vomited again. "S ... ship. I ... n ... need ta' keep somethin' ... d ... down or I'm ... gunna' be ... a ... g ... goner."

 "I think ya' kept a lil' down, mate. We'll jus' try again tomorow, until ya' body can adjust ta' it a bit."

 "Y ... yeah. W ... went - won't ... g ... give up. N ... never." He hissed in pain, his stomach cramping. "Guess ... y' ... a ... and Al ... w ... will be ... ge ... t ... ting marriage - m ... married b ... before us ... at ... that - ... t ... this rate."

 "Na. Me ... and Al broke up yesterday actually."

 "Eh? W ... why?"

 "He's not eatin' again. I'm jus' sick of false words and lies from him all of tha' time."

 "But y' ... k ... know this - t ... tha' he ... c ... can't h ... help it. E ... eatin' disorders ... a ... are a ... right ... p ... pain in ... t ... tha' ass."

 "Yeah ... well after four years of this crap, I've had enough. I ... can't deal wi' it anymore."

 "But ... Al's ... gun ... gunna' give - g ... ge' worse ... wi' ... o ... out y' ... s ... support."

 "He wasn't gettin' better wi' my support either. He doesn't wanna' ge' better. I was jus' bein' too hopeful before ta' realise."

 "Wha' if ... h ... he does - dies ... o ... or somethin' ... th ... though?"

 Eric sighed again. "He's gunna' end up dead eventually, whether I'm around or not. I guess ... at least this way ... I won't have ta' see it."

 "B ... but he ... still lives h ... here."

 "I'll jus' blank him."

 Ronald winched in pain, before saying. "That's h ... harsh ... m ... an."

 "Don't care. He's put me through enough. I've been gettin' pissed wi' him for a few weeks 'bout it now anyway. There's only so much one man can take."

 "So ... y' ... net - n ... not goin' ta' stay friends?"

 "Dunno. I don't even wanna' think 'bout him for now anyway." He put on a false smile. "Let's jus' work on ya' gettin' well first." Ronald just stared at him.

\-----

 That night, Alan was in his room. His arms and legs had scabbed over from last night's self assault. He could hear a Rocky film being played loudly from the spare room but his thoughts were even louder. _He ... really doesn't want anything ... to do with me._

 A manic laugh erupted from him. "Maybe you ... never did. Well ... fuck you. Fuck everyone! I ... don't need anyone in my life! Least now ... I can destroy myself all I want and no one will stop me!" He laughed again. "Well ... I really have ... lost my fucking mind this time. Thanks ... Eric. Thanks a heap!  
I guess ... even if you want me back ... at some point, you're not going to find me in one piece! How fucking fun!"

\----

 At three am, when he was sure that everyone in the house was asleep, he wrote a note to Eric. He then left the house and hailed a taxi, taking a few changes of clothes and the tiny sum of money he had saved from his commissions. _Let's see how ... long I'll last for. Isn't that right, dad?_

 'I give a weakling like you a week tops.'

 Alan giggled, earning a strange look in the mirror from the taxi driver. _Yeah ... you're probably right. Oh well. No one gives a shit about me anyway. Not even myself._

'Very true.'

\-----

 An hour or so later, Claude woke up. Sebastian had managed to calm him down after a few hours, making him feel guilty for being so cold to the other man. Turning around, he found that Ronald's fever had broke. Maybe things were looking up for at least one couple in the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Alan come back!!!!


	55. Glasgow.

Two days later.

 "Ugh ... s ... ship." Ronald winched, his stomach paining him. "

 "It's alright, buddy. At least ya' 'ave kept it down today and ya' fever's a lot better too." Eric stated.

 "Y ... yeah. Shouldn't ... y' ... b ... be at ... c ... college today?"

 "Took tha' day off while Claude's at work."

 "But ... y ... your degree?"

 A sigh slipped from Eric. "I'm ... already fallin' behind."

 "Then y' ... s ... should ge - go then. Get Al ... t ... ta' look ... after ... me for ... a ... b ... bit."

 "He ain't been out his room in days."

 "Get - g ... go check ... on him t ... then?"

 "I ... probably should."

 A small yelp left Ronald, before he spoke again. "But .. y' ... s ... still mad a ... at h ... him, right?"

 "More upset than -." His sentence was cut short, when Ronald began seizing again. He was turned on his side as he began to gag.  
As the minutes passed, Eric's worry grew. Just as the five minute mark neared, Eric pulled his phone out to call an ambulance. Thankfully, Ronald stop seizing.

 "Nnn..." Ronald said, as he came out of his daze.

 "Ya' alright, buddy?"

 "S ... ship. I ... threw ... u ... up again." He raised a shaking hand to wipe his mouth. "And ... I ... p ... pissed myself ... again. A .. argh. I ... I'm so sick ... of this ... s ... ship."

 "Let's ge' ya' cleaned up."

 Ronald shook his head, before it jerked back. "Nnn. ... Y' get - g ... go check on ... A ... Al f ... first."

 "Wha'?"

 "Jus' ... d ... do it!"

 "K."

\-----

 Knocking on the door, he received no answer. "Al? Come on, stop sulkin'." Getting no response again, he opened the door and walked inside. There he found the bedroom deserted, a note left on the bed. He picked it up and scowled.

 'Eric. Fuck you. You never did care for me so don't bother coming to find me. I never want to see any of you ever again.'

 The note was crumpled in his hand and thrown into the bin. _Well fuck ya' too then. Cunt._

\-----

 Coming back into the room, Ronald looked over at him. "Is ... he ... o ... okay?"

 "He took off."

 "Wha'? G ... go find ... he - h ... him!"

 "He left a note. He doesn't want me ta' look for him."

 "B ... but-."

 "He's made his bed, let him lie in it!"

 "Eric-."

 "Let's jus' ge' ya' in tha' bath."

 "N ... no-."

 "Jus' drop it!"

 Ronald did, seeing that Eric looked more upset about Alan leaving than he was letting on.

\------

The next day.

 Claude came home from a brief trip out, a piece of paper in hand. "Eric, can I have a word." He asked, as Eric came into the kitchen.

 "Yeah, sure."

 "I will be home for the next two weeks. I've got a sick note from the doctor for stress."

 "Oh ... okay."

 "I can't let you keep missing your classes. You're going to fail at this rate."

 "Tha' doesn't matter. Al's gone and Sebastian's at work, so I don't mind lookin' after Ronnie."

 "Well now at least you can go back."

 "Yeah ... cool."

 "I just have one issue."

 "Hmm?"

 "If Ronald doesn't start making a recovery soon, we will be running out of money. I have some savings but they won't last us long."

 "But ya' ge' paid for sick, right?"

 "Only for the first month."

 "Oh ... shit."

 Claude dropped the note onto the kitchen counter. "At this rate, I won't be able to pay the mortgage. We will lose our home."

 "Then I'll jus' quit uni and ge' a full time job."

 "No. This is my mess. I'm not letting you waste a year of education. I just hope that Ronald will be well enough soon to look after himself."

 "Yeah...." _Now who's the one being too hopeful._

\-----

 "What do you mean he's missing?!" Luna shouted. She'd just dropped by for a visit, not expecting such troubling news.

 "We broke up and he left." Eric stated.

 "You mean you broke up with him." She stated more than asked.

 "Yeah."

 "We've still got to find him, before he ends up-."

 "He doesn't want to be found."

 "Then I'll just phone the police again."

 Eric shook his head. "Won't do any good. He left a note. Tha' police will jus' see it as an adult doin' wha' he wants ta'. It's not like he's a missin' person this time."

 "Oh. Then I'll just look for him myself.".

 "For fuck's sake. He doesn't want ta' be found!"

 "So you're going to let him get hurt again?"

 "Leave me alone."

 "Eric-."

 "Fuck off!"

 He made his way upstairs and collapsed onto the bed in the spare room, letting himself break down. _He doesn't want anything to do ... with anyone. If he wanted to ... he'd come back. It's not like he doesn't know where the house is. Prick._

 He turned to lie on his back, wiping the tears away. _But ... still, I miss him already. No, he doesn't give a shit about me or what I've done for him in the past. Why should I fucking care? I ... do care. I really do._ Composing himself, he went downstairs. A second search for Alan was about to begin.

\-----

 That night, Alan found himself pressed against a wall, at the back of a gay club in Glasgow. He'd been staying at a hostel there for the past few days, after jumping on a coach from Edinburgh. Now, he was just following whatever the voices said, mainly the one of his dad. Tonight, he was drunk, as he had been the night before.

 The man behind him was grunting in his ear. _I really ... have gone crazy. But then again ... I just don't care anymore. I don't care what happens to me. Oh well ... time for more vodka ... soon._

 It wouldn't be long before Alan would be offered something that the voices wouldn't let him refuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glasgow is 46 miles from Edinburgh. Can get a couch for less than £10.


	56. 50 miles away, there's no way that you'll find me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, hostels costs around £9 a night.

Three days later.

 Willpower can aid people beyond the limits of what anyone could think possible. It was certainly true for Ronald, who'd managed to keep fluids down for the last few days. The only problem was that he'd still vomit during a seizure.

 Still, Claude and Eric had found that giving the rehydration satchets half an hour after an episode was the best option, as his seizures had dropped back to 3-4 daily. This would allow for his body to absorb the most minerals before he was sick again.

 Eric and Luna had been trying to find Alan, spending almost all of their time apart from college searching. They had been unsuccessful. None of their friends had seen him and even with their help, the pair had come up empty handed. How could they ever find him though? When he was almost fifty miles away, in another Scottish city.

\-----

 Ronald looked over as Eric came into his room that night, so that Claude could have some time to relax. "Still n ... no l ... luck?"

 "No. None at all. How are ya' feelin'?"

 "A b.. bit b ... b ... better. Claude tr ..tried me in - on one ... of ... t ... those shakes ... t ... today."

 "Keep it down?" He asked, sitting on the bed.

 "Most ... o ... of it. Some ... c ... came back up ... w ... when I start ... started seizin' t ... though."

 "Ya' doin' really well, I'm proud of ya'."

 Ronald could hear the sadness in his voice. "Y' w ... well - will f ... find him. I ... k ... know y' will."

 "Yeah ... I hope so, before he ends up dead or somethin'. This is all my fault."

 Ronald thought for a moment. "Partly ... y ... yeah but ... d ... did ... y' ... t ... tell him ta' ... l ... leave?"

 "No."

 "Then ... s ... stop feel - feelin' ... b ... bad ... and ... w ...work y' ass ... o ... off ta' find ... h ... him."

 "True."

 "Y' ... can ... said - say ... s ... sorry when ... he's ... b ... back home ... s ... safe. Jus' ... w ... wish I ... c ... could hope - help."

 Eric shook his head. "Ya' jus' focus on gettin' be-." He froze when he heard something. "Ronnie ... do tha' again."

 "W ... wha?"

 "Swallow."

 "Wha'? Y' ... kn ... know tha' I ... can't."

 "Try." Eric stated, bending down to listen closely. Ronald tried, making a little gulping sound. "Ya' did it!"

 "W ... Woah. I ... didn't ... ever - ... e ... even realise."

 "That's brilliant! I'll go and tell Claude."

\-----

Three weeks later.

 Ronald had continued to improve. He'd been to see the speech therapist, to help him with his wording and ability to swallow.

 For now, he was still being fed solely through his peg. He'd been able to keep most of his liquid meals down for a few weeks and his seizures had fallen to 1-2 daily in the previous two days.

 His weight had indeed dropped from the last weigh in, 95lb down to 84lb. The doctors hoped that his weight would increase again soon, now that his vomiting wasn't as frequent, though they weren't sure how exactly his health had improved to begin with. Eric and Claude did; sheer willpower.

\-----

 "We've scoured the streets of Edinburgh and haven't found even a sign of Chipmunk. Everyone we've asked hasn't seen him." Luna said sadly.

 "I know." Eric replied. "Maybe ... he's not even in Edinburgh anymore."

 "Then where could he have - do you think he's gone back to Bradford?"

 "Why would he go back there?"

 "I don't know."

 Eric let out a sigh. "It's worth a shot, I guess. We're on break next week so we could go?"

 "Yeah ... it is worth a try."

\------

2am, over in Glasgow.

 Alan stood shivering on a street corner, the late autumn temperature freezing him to the bone. He didn't know how things had gotten out of hand so quickly. Two weeks ago, someone had offered him a score and now he was out of money and back on the streets.

 It was now a choice between getting his next fix or having enough money to spend the night back at the hostel. He always went with the first option. _I don't get ... how I ended up in such a mess. I never ... even liked that ... stuff before._

 'Shut up whining. I told you to, remember? Now go do what you do best.'

_Okay ..._

 A car pulled up in front of him and the window was wound down. "How much?" A man in his forties asked.

 'Go on, tell him. You're not worth a fat lot.'

 "Umm ... £10."

 "Get in."

 He did, dropping his backpack on the carpet of the car, as they drove to a deserted back street. Once in the backseat, the man unbuckled Alan's belt and pulled his trousers down and then his own, before Alan turned on his front. A condom was pulled from the packet and slipped on, the man then lining himself up. Alan whimpered, pressing his face into the seat of the car as he felt the man push inside. _I'm such ... a slut._

\-----

 Once done, the money was given and Alan stepped shakily out of the car. He'd gotten at least some money towards tomorrow's bag of Heroin. Another few pounds was all that he needed.

 The next few hours passed but he wasn't picked up again, so he walked from the street, down into a deserted alley. Sitting down against the wall, he reached into his backpack for the items he needed. A few minutes later, the needle was prepared. He'd been around Jacob for long enough to know how it was done. Belt pulled around his arm, he pushed the needle into his skin, waiting for the rush to hit.

 This is how Alan's life had been for the past few weeks. Wake up in a dirty side street or alley, go and get his next bag. Grab a drink from a nearby corner shop. Use half the bag. Wait for the high to pass and his body to recover. Go and freshen up in a public rest room. Go to earn more money later in the night/ early hours of the morning. Shoot up and later fall to sleep. 

 As the high kicked in, his previous thoughts faded into a feeling of drug induced happiness. _I miss Eric ... but he'll never find me and ... he doesn't miss me anyway. He doesn't ... want me._


	57. Sebastian to the rescue.

 A week later, Luna and Eric found themselves back in Bradford. Eric would be staying at Luna’s moms again. “So … I guess we should check out tha’ gay bar again?”

 “Yeah. Though without Jacob around, I don’t know if he’d even be there.” Luna stated.

 “I jus’ want him home. I should never ‘ave broken up wi’ him.”

 “Yeah, you shouldn’t have but there’s no use moping around now. Let’s just go and drop our bags off and then go looking.”

 “Yeah, sounds good.”

\-----

 Back in Edinburgh, there was a knock at the door. Claude answered it quickly, as Ronald said he felt well enough to be downstairs, instead of stuck in bed. “Hello.” Sebastian smiled. “I brought over lunch.”

 “Thank you. Can I get you a cup of tea or anything?”

 “Tea would be wonderful.” Sebastian followed Claude into the kitchen. “Ronald does look a lot better.”

 As he filled the kettle with water, Claude stated “he does. Yesterday he didn’t have a seizure, so maybe in a few months, he will have made further improvements and I’ll be able to return to work.”

 “There is no rush, I assure you.” Claude shot him a confused look, as he switched the kettle on and Sebastian walked into the dining room. “It is my turn to have a private word.”

 On reaching the dining room, Claude asked “a private word about what?”

 “I just didn’t want Ronald to overhear but Eric has told me of your concern about the mortgage.”

 He received a glare from Claude. “I assure you, I will manage. Do not worry yourself. I still have some savings left.”

 “And yet your expression gives away your own worry.” He walked to close the gap between them, pulling an envelope from his pocket and handing it to Claude. “I wish for you to have this.”

 Claude's brow furrowed, as he opened it. Pulling a check out for £10,000, he gasped. “I could never accept this. This must be a large portion of your savings.”

 “It is but like I said, I wish for you to have it.”

 “But you need it for your wedding. Did Eric ask you for this?”

 Sebastian smiled at him. “No, he did not and the wedding can wait. We are in no rush and you are more in need of it than me at present.”

 With a shake of the head, Claude said “no. I couldn’t possibly -.”

 “Take it. For once at least, let someone help you.”

 Claude thought for a moment. “I … I’ll pay it all back, I promise.”

 “I’m sure that you will but like I stated earlier, there is no rush.”

 “Thank you. I … really do appreciate it.” Claude eyed the floor. “I was actually going to phone you and ask for a favour.”

 “And what would that be?”

 “Would you mind looking after Ronald for an hour on Thursday, so that I can get my next doctor’s note?”

 Sebastian chuckled. “When have I ever turned that request down? I’m free all week for school holidays, you know that. If you need help on any others day, just give me a call.”

 “Thank you. My appointment is at five, so could you be present for about half four?”

 “Of course. I’m guessing that Alan wasn’t been found yet?”

 “No, he has not. He was such a quiet boy most of the time but it seems empty here without him. I know that Ronald misses him greatly.”

 “I’m sure that he will turn up -.”

 “He won’t. Unless he comes back of his own choice, I doubt anyone will find him. He could be anywhere in Great Britain by now. I dread to think where he is now.”

 “Yes … after what happened the last time he disappeared.”

 Claude nodded. “Anyway, let’s go and have a cup of tea. I think I heard the kettle boil not long ago and I really shouldn’t leave Ronald alone for too long.”

 “Of course.”

\----

 The end of the week came and the pair still hadn’t been alerted to even one spotting of Alan, no matter how many people in Bradford they had asked. “So he’s probably not here.” Luna stated. “Back to the drawing board, I guess.”

 “I don’t know where else ta’ look.” Eric replied sadly.

 “How about Glasgow?” Luna’s mom asked.

 “Why would he go there? He’s never even been there before. He wouldn’t know his way around.” Luna replied.

 “Yes, I suppose I was just clutching at straws, it being another main city and all.”

 “We should try Leigh next.” Eric said. “We haven’t been to tha’ part of Edinburgh yet.”

 Luna smiled at him. “Good idea.”

\-----

 Around one in the morning, Alan found himself in a car with a woman in her fifties. She threw a condom his way and smiled. Gulping, he pulled his belt off and his jeans down. Once rubbing himself into hardness, he slid the condom on and pulled her pants down, getting in between her legs. He was pulled down into a kiss, thankful that he’d brought some toothpaste when he’d first gotten to the city.

 She didn’t exactly smell that great but then neither did he, with just a packet of wet wipes at his disposal. Pushing in, he suppressed a gag. She moaned loudly, as he thrust into her. Once finished, he grabbed the money and his backpack. Pulling his jeans back up and sliding his belt back into place, he made his way back to the alley where he would normally sleep for the night. The temperature was dropping with each day and Alan was constantly shivering. He slid down the wall, letting his tears fall. “I … miss Eric so much.” He sobbed, putting his head in his hands. “I just … want to go home.”

 ‘That’s not your home anymore. You’re not welcome there. You never were.’

 Alan sniffed. “Eric …”

 ‘Forget about him. He deserves better.’

 “But … I want to go home! I want to see everyone. … Is … is Ronnie even … still alive? What … if he – No!” He broke down further, sobs wracking his thin frame. “Just … let me go home …”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will be a mainly Alan centric chapter next.


	58. Boxes and weight gain.

Three months later.

 It had been almost four months since Alan had ran away. Christmas had come and gone, though without him it didn't like Christmas at all in the household.

 Eric came home from another evening of searching, though all hope had faded of ever finding him. It was growing more and more obvious as the days passed that Alan was definitely not in Edinburgh anymore.

 Ronald was in the living room watching television, while Claude was reading a book. "How did tha' appointment go?" Eric asked, as he walked into the room.

 "Y ... yeah, good. Back up t ... ta' 95 pound now. T ... they hope tha' ... I'll be able ta' ... start eatin' and drunk - drinking again soon."

 "That's brilliant." He stated, before he moved to walk up the stairs. Ronald's speech and ability to swallow properly was improving and his seizures were now sporadic. He could go days without one, though some days he would have up to four. As such, Claude was still off of work.

 Eric was so happy that Ronald was getting better; that he was still alive to begin with but that didn't help fill the void created by Alan's absence.

 Alan would have not long turned twenty one and it pained Eric to think that the family could have had a big celebration for it. Instead, his own birthday (a few weeks before Alan's) was spent worrying about him, as was Alan's. Trying not to imagine the horrible situations Alan might be in.

 He spent a few hours trying to catch up with his work, before getting changed into his night clothes. He grabbed a jumper of Alan's from the wardrobe and sprayed it with the body spray Alan would always wear. Pulling a box from his discarded jeans, he lay on the bed, pressing his face to the jumper and gripping tightly onto the box.

 This is how Eric would spend every night, inhaling Alan's scent and pretending that he was still present. He'd brought an engagement ring a little over a month into their search, knowing that he'd apologise and ask Alan to marry him when he was found. As such, he kept that box on him at all times. Now though, his plans all seemed to have been for nothing. "Al ... please jus' come home. I need ya'. I ... I'm so sorry."

\----

****The following morning, 1.11am****

 Alan had been taken to a house, owned by a man who looked to be in his forties. "Go and shower." The man ordered. "I don't want to touch you while you're so dirty, though I think you'll scrub up quite nicely."

 An hour later, Alan found himself pressed under this man, who he'd found out had brought him over while his wife was away on business. _I'm just ... so disgusting. Letting him ... cheat with me._ He'd already performed oral on him and was now being thrust into roughly.

 Alan began to feel sicker as the minutes passed. _I need ... my Heroin. It's ... been hours since ... my last fix. I ... don't normally go this long._ The man released into him and pulled out, not even having bothered with a condom.

 Once he had sat up on the bed, the younger man did the same, swinging his legs off of the side. "Where do you think you're going?"

 "You ... only said ... an hour. It's ... been longer ... than that already."

 The man grunted at him, grabbing his arm and pulling him back onto the bed. Alan was soon flipped onto his back, the man sitting on his knees. "I'll decide when I'm done."

 _No ... I need my - I don't feel well._ "Please just ... let me go." His arms were pinned at his sides, the man shifting down to lie on top of him.

 "I don't think so somehow."A loud sob left Alan, as he felt the man enter him again. _Why ... does this ... always happen?_

'Because you're a filthy little whore. This is all you're good for.'

_But Eric ... would never hurt me like this. I know that he wouldn't. I ... I just want to go ... home. I just ... want Eric._


	59. I guess I'll die tonight, so be it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First part is just Alan thinking, drifting off into deep thought while being sexually assaulted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Claude/ Ronald's song just came on. I will always love youuuuuuuu.

 Hope. A four letter word that can mean so much. Four letters to fill a cold and broken heart. Make it warm. Make it beat again. He was my hope all along, I was just too ill to realise. A man with a different four letter word for a name. Eric became my hope ... until it was finally extinguished.

 All I want is to go home but you won't let me, will you? When you fill my head day after day, through many conscious hours. You're there from the moment I wake up, until the second I fall into exhausted sleep. I am exhausted. Brain, body, soul.

 You've broken it all, with all the lies you feed me. At least, I used to think of them as lies. But Eric proved them true, when he broke up with me for a second time. I really now believe that I am filth. A parasite to humanity.

 I can't ... blame Eric for this though. He put up with me for so long and I am thankful for that. I really am, from the bottom of my shattered heart that now only craves for my drug.

 But still, we had some good times, didn't we Eric? I thought we did. Happy moments dotted among all the awful times I put him through. I am sorry, I never meant to hurt him. But as you tell me time and time again, I never did deserve him.

 I guess I should also be thankful for the lack of nightmares. At least I can sleep peacefully, even if I am frozen to the core from harsh winter weather. You won't even let me buy a blanket with the tiny spare change I have. So cruel. But thanks to Titan, I no longer suffer nightly terrors. I miss my fury friend. He always knew when to comfort me, even when Eric lacked such a skill.

 I find myself missing all of my family - ex family - Maybe never a family to me at all. Maybe they never did like me. That's what you think, right dad? Now I'm trapped on the back streets of his city, selling myself for a few pounds a go. Worth nothing you say. Of course, I never was.

 Through it all, I just want to go home. Probably not welcome but better than where I find myself currently. I can't though. I'll never be able to. You'll never let me. Why I listen to you I have no idea. No idea of when your lies became truth. When Eric's kind words became the real lies. Because, Eric, I was never the good person that you made me out to be.

 I should probably stop daydreaming in thoughts of what could have been. Drag myself back to harsh reality and try to run from his place. I have to get my next fix, after all.

\-----

 "Please ... let ... me go." Alan was now on his back, trying to push the man off of him.

 "Not until you've earned your money." He wedged himself between Alan's parted legs and grabbed his hips, pushing in once more. Alan whimpered, hand moving to slap the man across the face and earning a irate grunt from him. His wrists were pinned at his sides again.

\----

***Two hours later***

 Alan wasn't even paid for all the abuse he suffered that night and he was too scared to confront the man about that issue. Once the man had let him go, he'd grabbed his clothes and ran from the house. He didn't get dressed until the coldness had hit him.

 Now dressed, he raced to the alleyway where he would spend his nights. His body hurt all over, from both lack of Heroin in his system and from the bruises he'd received. His insides hurt too, hours of roughness tearing delicate skin.

 Reaching the alleyway, he threw up, gagging over vivid memories of the previous events. He wiped his mouth and moved further into the tight alley, sliding down the wall. It was time to shoot up.

\------

 That's how life had been since he'd left Edinburgh. His body had become addicted to Heroin by now, one bag a day turning to three. Sometimes, he'd have a few pound left over to use on paying for a session at a cheap leisure centre, so he could take a shower. Or he'd buy some cheap clothes from a charity shop, his own torn and caked in dirt beyond repair. Occasionally, he'd buy food when the rumbling in his tummy grew louder than the voices.

 Some clients had been as bad as that man, some just plain odd with their requests. One guy had asked Alan to top him and tell him how tight he was. Then a young woman had made him dress in a gimp suit. It had all just made Alan feel more rotten, more broken and tarnished.

Street life was hard too, having been robbed of his money a few times during the months there.

\-----

The next night. 11.38pm.

 Alan got out of a car, spitting onto the ground. He'd been made to perform oral on some old lady. It wasn't just that fact that was making him feel sick. He'd also had no money from the previous night to get Heroin and didn't know where his drug dealer would be at this time. He'd had a bit left over to inject earlier on in the day but withdrawals were already setting in.

 Moving back to his sleeping spot, he huddled up against the wall. It was freezing cold and no matter how much he hugged his coat to himself, he felt his body turning icy.

_I don't understand ... why you haven't gotten me to kill myself yet, dad. I guess ... you want me to die a slow death. That's what the Heroin was for ... wasn't it? To drive me even more insane._

_I wish I could fight against you, like Ronald fought. If he's still alive. Maybe Claude has been lost too and Eric has no one left. Maybe I could fight, save up some money and return there. ... No, I'm not wanted._

 He watched his breath billow out in front of him and giggled. _But still ... recover is a nice thought. However, it's not to be I guess. Hypothermia is probably setting in and ... oh look, it's beginning to snow. That's why I wasn't allowed a blanket, huh dad? This is my fate. Die from the cold on an awful January night. So ... be it._ He let his eyes slip shut, the cold overtaking him. _I guess this is the end._


	60. Stranger.

 As he was about to give up and fall to sleep completely, Alan heard footsteps next to him. It wasn’t until he was shaken by the shoulders that he realised the person’s attention was on him. “Hmm … go … away. Tired.”

 “Nope. You will freeze out here.” He opened his eyes slowly, to see a teenage boy smiling at him. “I have seen you so many times around here. You are homeless, no?” _He’s not Scottish. His accent – German?_

 “I … am.”

 “Then follow me.”

 “What? No … I’m fine … here.”

 “No you are not. You will freeze to death. The snow is coming down quite hard now.” Alan just looked at him. “You can stay at my place. I always see you on this street. It really isn’t safe here for you.” _Is this my fighting chance?_

 Against the voice’s screams, he nodded and the other boy stood up. Alan also got to his feet, feeling achy and nauseous. Taking in the other’s appearance, he saw that the boy was shorter than him, with dark brown hair that framed his face. In the street lights, he could make out a cardigan peeking out from under his coat.

 “What … is your name?”

 “Sascha. You?”

 “I … I’m Alan.”

 “Very nice to meet you.”

\----

 By the time they reached Sascha’s apartment block, Alan was sweating from head to toe. A sure sign of his body’s need for Heroin. Sascha pulled a key from his pocket and soon the door swung open to reveal a small one bedroom flat. It was plain and bare, with just a bed, wardrobe and dressing table against white walls. Doors headed off into the kitchen area and bathroom.

 “It’s not much but it’s home.” He smiled, as he walked into his flat and went to rummage in the wardrobe. Looking over at Alan, who was still in the doorway, he said. “Come in. I don’t bite.”

 “O … okay.” As he stepped into the room, a pair of long sleeved, fluffy pj’s were thrown his way.

 “There’s a bathroom over there.” Sascha pointed to a doorway. “Get dried off and changed. You must be soaked through from the snow.”

 “Thank … you.” He made his way over to the door and stepped inside. Undressing, he looked at himself in the mirror. A gaunt, pale man stared back at him. Almost unrecognisable. Ribs and hip bones stuck out sharply, arms stick thin and covered in track marks.  _I’ve lost so much … weight. And after all Eric did to help me … put weight back on … before._

 ‘See, Eric will hate you for disappointing him. You always were such a disappointment to me, son.’

_Dad … shut up. If I’m lucky enough for … Sascha to help me, then I’m going to get … myself out of this mess. I … I’m going to go home._

 ‘You’re never going ‘home’. It was never your home to begin with.’

 Alan pulled the pjs on. _Be quiet. I am going to … go home. I’m … going to see Eric again._

 ‘We won’t let you.’

 “I said shut up!” He shouted, bracing his hands against the sink. “Just … leave me alone!”

 “Are … you okay?” Sascha asked, entering the room.

 “I … I’m fine.”

 He took in Alan’s pasty appearance. “You’re not. You look poorly.” He moved closer, grabbing Alan by the wrist and dragging him out of the room. Alan tensed up, as he was dragged over to the bed. _No … don’t make me …._ Sascha pulled the covers back and pushed him down onto it, jumping on top of him. _No … no … not again._

 To Alan’s surprise and relief, Sascha rolled off of him, pulling the covers over them both. “Time for bed.” He yawned. “I’m so sleepy.”

 “I … I’ll sleep on the floor … or something.”

 Sascha smiled at him. “Don’t be silly. You look ill and ill people shouldn’t get cold. It’s warm under here, no?” He cuddled up to Alan. “I don’t want you getting any colder or sicker.”

 “I … thank you. Why … are you being … so nice to me?”

 “Because I saw you getting into cars with people. I have to do that too. Even though I make enough money now to not to homeless, I understand what you are feeling and I don’t want you to have to deal with that alone. Tell me … do you have a home somewhere?”

 “I used too. I don’t know if … I can ever go back there though.”

 “Well … we can talk about that tomorrow then. Or I should say today. It’s like what, 4am?” Sascha yawned again, louder this time. “Well … goodnight, Alan.”

 “G … goodnight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sascha - German reaper from latest bb chapters.
> 
> I don't know if I should keep going with this series :/


	61. Never accepted.

 “What are you doing out here again?” Sascha asked. “I told you that you can stay with me.” Alan looked away. He’d snuck out of the small flat early in the morning to find his drug dealer, having not slept at all. The cravings had been too strong.

 In the early hours of the next morning, he was back in the same alley. Only this time, Sascha was there too. “Well, come on. Let’s go home already.”

 “No. I don’t … want to be a burden.”

 “It is no trouble at all. I don’t want you to freeze. It’s even colder out than last night.”

 Alan turned to look at him then, taking in his appearance. High heels and fishnet tights peeked out under a long, tight black leather coat. “What … are … y … you wearing?”

 Sascha’s face fell, before it was quickly replaced with a smile again. “If you want to know that, you’ll have to come with me.” He bent down to grab Alan’s hand, pulling him up into a standing position and then dragged him off quickly. Alan was surprised at just how quick he could walk with such high shoes.

 Once Alan had had a pair of pjs thrown at him again and had gotten changed, he sat on the bed. “You don’t like spending time with me?” Sascha asked. “You ran off.”

 “N … no. It’s not that. I – like I said … I don’t want to cause you … any trouble.”

 “Tis no trouble at all.” His smile faded again. “It’s nice … to actually have a friend for once.”

 “Oh.”

 “So will you stay?”

 “Yeah … I will, sorry.”

 Sascha pulled his shoes off. “So … I promised to tell you why I am dressed in such an awful outfit.”

 Alan shook his head, falling over his own words. “No … I – you … don’t – I mean, I don’t want to … know, its fine. I’m sorry for-.”

 “It’s because I was born as a girl. That’s why I’m in such a mess, why I’m stuck here.”

 “What do you …?”

 “My family never accepted me as a guy. For years … so many arguments and fights. I tried and tried to get them to understand.”

 “Oh … I’m sorry.”

 “But then a few years ago they came over here on holiday, like they did every year. Just that time, they ditched me. No passport, no boarding ticket, nothing.”

 “Oh … but if you’d have told the … police or something, I’m sure that … they would have helped you to … go home.”

 “No. They didn’t want me around so why should I have even tried going back? They made it clear that they didn’t accept me as I am.”

 “Oh. Okay.”

 “I still don’t understand how a parent can do that to their child. This was … like four years ago. Hmm, I was fifteen I think. Homeless for ages, until I … started earning money. This shitty place is the only place I can get. The only land lord around here that will rent me a place with no kind of ID.”

 “I’m ... really sorry.”

 “As for wearing this? I don’t want to. It makes me feel awful. It’s not something that … makes me feel comfortable but I have to. People like a ‘girl’,” He raised his hands, fingers making quotation marks “To dress in such a way, no? They want sexy I suppose.”

 “Yeah … but you’re a guy and if it makes you … feel bad, don’t dress like that.”

 Sascha shook his head. “Earning no money is the other option. It sucks but to earn any money on the streets, I have to dress like this. I … used to wear my usual clothes but when people found out … what I had ‘down there’, they … I don’t know … felt cheated? Got beaten up a few times.”

 “I’m sorry. That is -.”

 A palm was slammed down on the dressing table, as Sascha turned away from him. “I … hate it here. I wish I was home … I wish that my family would just love me for me. See me for the man that I am.” Alan could hear his voice beginning to crack and stood up. “The amount of times … I’ve been robbed and beaten up and raped … I’ve just had enough of all of it.”

 Alan moved to rub his back. “Things … will get better.”

 Sascha wiped his eyes. “They won’t … but it’s better now that you are here. Not so lonely.” His smile was put back in place. “Now turn around so that I can get changed.”

 “Yeah … okay.”

 Moving to the wardrobe and opening it, Sascha pulled out some pjs. “A client of mine was nice enough to buy me a binder a year or so ago. He was the only person who understood … didn’t make me wear things I didn’t want to. I … thought that maybe he loved me but then he moved away. Turned out he had a wife and she was pregnant. Guess he was an arsehole after all.”

 “Yeah … most people we see … aren’t nice. You … shouldn’t wear that in bed though. Isn’t … it really tight?”

 “Yes but I have company. It … makes me feel more comfortable.” He changed and moved under the covers of the bed, giggling softly. “Our clothes match. So cute.”

 Alan smiled too. “Yeah … they do.” He got under the covers too and Sascha slung an arm around him. “Thanks for letting me … stay here.”

 “You are very welcome. You are the first friend I have had since being here.”

\----

 Around the same time, Eric was working hard on his laptop to catch up with school work. As the time on the screen hit 3.30am, he saved his work for the night and clicked to look at his wallpaper. Alan and Ronald were stood standing there, in the same photograph he had looked at when Ronald had been assaulted. A sad smile fixed on his lips. “Happier times, eh? Is … it ever gunna’ be the same again? Are … ya’ ever gunna’ come home, Al?”

 At that moment, there was a knock on the door. This was going to be an extremely long night.


	62. Crack. Ouch.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I've got my mojo back and hopefully should have another 1-2 chapters up today after this one.

****Four days later.****

 Ronald had been admitted to hospital in the early hours of the morning, when the door had been knocked, having suffered a prolonged seizure. With the correct medication, the paramedics had been able to stop it on the way to the hospital and he was released a short time later.

 He’d been left dazed for the next few days due to it, unable to get his words out. Thankfully, he was now back to normal. He and Claude were cuddled up in bed at present, Ronald having complained that he was cold. “Babe … I’m h … horny.” Claude looked away. “Wha’? Don’t … y’ fancy me anymore … or somethin’?”

 “It is not that at all, of course I still think that you are gorgeous.”

 “Then what’s tha’ p … problem h … here?”

 Claude let a sigh pass his lips. “It is because I hurt you last time. I wish not to relive that experience.”

 “I … was … really sick … t … then though. It shouldn’t hurt … as much now tha’ I’ve gained … a … bit of weight.”

 “Are you sure you wish to risk that?”

 Ronald winked at him. “Hell … yeah.”

 “Very well.”

\----

 Twenty minutes later, Claude grabbed some lube from the bedside table and moved back under the covers, lying lightly on top of a nude Ronald. The blonde looked up at him, eyes twinkling with lust. Oh, how glad Claude was that Ronald’s eyes had regained their shine not long after his suicide attempt.

 Lube rubbed onto fingers, Claude moved to kiss him, first finger being eased into his partner. Ronald tensed and Claude pulled back from the kiss to look at him. “Does it hurt?”

 “M … more uncomfortable … than anythin’.”

 “Well it has been months since the last time, of course it will be somewhat uncomfortable.” Claude stated, humour in his voice.

 “True tha’. Hey … I didn’t say … s … stop.”

 “’True that’.”

\-----

 The couple lay panting under the covers. “See … told y’, it wasn’t … too … painful.”

 “I’m very glad to hear such.”

 “Hmm … I need ta’ … pee.”

 Claude blinked at him. “You wish to try without the catheter?”

 “Yeah … I hate them things.”

 “How are you going to use the toilet when you can’t stand?”

 “Tha' … same way I crap … genius. Sittin' down.”

  “Oh … you can do that?”

 “Most men can if they need … ta’. Y’ really are a dumbass … at … times.”

 “Yes … I suppose that I am.”

\----

 Once back in the bedroom again, Ronald beamed. “No more catheters … for me!” He tried to raise his hand to fist pump but his arm jerked again. “Claude?”

 “Yes?”

 “I … sure hope tha’ Al … comes back … soon, before Eric has a … mental breakdown.”

 “Yes but I highly doubt that he will.”

 “Yeah …”

 Claude glanced at his watch. “Let’s get you dressed quickly or we will be late for your speech appointment.”

 “Yeah … hopefully they will lemme’ … eat actual food … after this one.”

\----

***The next day***

 Alan had stayed at Sascha’s flat to sleep, spending the rest of his time earning money and getting high. He knocked the door early in the morning, body aching. He’d been assaulted on the job again and needed comfort, no matter how many times the voices told him that he didn’t deserve such a thing.

 Sascha opened it, eyeing him sadly when he saw the pained expression on Alan’s face. “What happened?” He asked, as he let Alan pass.

 Alan sat down on the bed, winching at the movement. “Some … guys just … hurt me.”

 In an instant, the door was locked again and Sascha was at his side, arm wrapped around his shoulder. “Guys? More than one?”

 “Y … yeah.”

 Sascha made a tutting sound. “You should never get into a car with more than one person. They could do anything to you, even kill you.”

 “I know … but … I needed the money.”

 “For drugs, no?”

 “How … how did you … know?”

 “Like I said, I saw you a lot around that alleyway before I spoke to you.”

 “Oh … I … I’m sorry.”

 “Eh? There is no need to be sorry. We all have ways of coping with how we feel, no?”

 “Yeah … I guess we do.”

 Sascha smiled, unwrapping his arm from around him. “As for me, I really like my beer. Especially on a weekend.” He stood up. “Thank goodness that I found a shop that doesn’t ask me for ID. Would you like a beer?”

 “No … I’m okay, thanks.”

 ‘Why not? You know that she just wants to take advantage of you. Would be easier if you were drunk. Just like back in Bradford.’

_HE! Sascha is a boy, have some fucking respect! And he’d never hurt me … he’s been nice to me so far._

 ‘So far, exactly. Wasn’t Jacob nice for the first few days also? Face it, all people want to do is use you. Go and swig a beer, you know how slutty it makes you. That’s what Sascha wants from you, after all.’

_He’s different from Jacob._

 ‘I highly doubt that.’

 Alan put his head in his hands, as Sascha headed for the kitchen, memories thick in his mind.

***Flashback***

_Alan sat shivering against a wall in a rundown section of Bradford. He couldn’t even remember how long he’d been on the streets for, after his grandparents had kicked him out. A week? Two? A month? He didn’t know. All that he could think of was how cold he felt, the winter air penetrating his dirty school uniform easily._

_“Hey, kid. What are you doing out here on you own?” A blonde man knelt down in front of him._

_“I … I don’t have … anywhere else … to go.”_

_“Homeless?” Alan nodded. “Come with me, I’ll look after you.”_

_“No … I’m okay, really.”_

_Jacob smiled at him. “I’m not taking no for an answer. Come with me.”_

_“O … okay.”_

_Alan followed him to his house. Yes, he seemed nice at the time and Alan couldn’t understand why he was being that way. He soon realised the real reason Jacob wanted him around._

***End flashback***

 Sascha came back into the room, large beer glass in hand. “Are you okay?”

 Alan looked over at him. “I … I’m fine.”

 “Go and get yourself cleaned up. I’ll find you out some clean bed clothes.”

 “Thank you.”

\----

***8.15am, Monday morning***

 Eric came downstairs, his head pounding, stress exhausting his body. As he passed the living room, Ronald called out to him. “Hey … Eric. Got a … minute?”

 “Yeah … sure.” He entered the room. “What’s up?”

 “I’m worried about y’. Y’ … look knackered. Y’ look like y’ ‘ave … lost … w … weight too.”

 “I jus’ don’t ‘ave much of an appetite right now. Don’t worry ‘bout me, focus on getting’ ya’self well.”

 “Yeah … I know. Sucks tha’ … the therapist … still won’t let me … eat. Got one … hell of a … cravin’ for … cream cheese. Still … y’ can’t keep runnin’ … on energy drinks alone.”

 “Like I said, don’t worry ‘bout me, I’m fine.”

 “Y’ my best … mate. ‘Course I’m gunna’ worry ‘bout … y’.”

 “Yeah ….”

 Eric left the room quickly, grabbing his shoes and hurrying out of the front door. He tripped over the front step, head cracking off of a paving stone. “Son of a bitch!”


	63. Attacks.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just found out that a friend of mine from the psych ward I was in in April has just passed. S**t. 
> 
> In this chapter - How Eric has been struggling to cope and just won't admit it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I checked a few online calorie calculators and it is possible for a man of Eric's height to drop weight so quickly.

***The next day***

 Eric looked in the mirror, parting his hair to eye the stitches he’d been given the previous day. He’d cut his head open from the fall and had had to go to hospital. Then he’d spent the rest of the day in bed, catching up on some much needed sleep, though he knew that he really couldn’t be missing even a day of lectures.

 Still, Ronald had convinced him to take today off too, saying that he needed more rest. Stripping off to get in the bath, he stared at his body in the mirror. _Fuck … I really have lost weight. Ronnie could have told me sooner. How … did I not notice this before?_

 He glanced over at the scales in the corner of the room, his curiosity getting the best of him. Pulling them out into the middle of the room, he stood on them. His brow furrowed. _That can’t be right._ He got off and then stood back on. The same number was indicated by the dial. Getting back off, he reset the dial back to zero and stood back on them, staring at the number for a long while.

 _160?! Na. I think the scales must be broken. There’s no way that I’ve lost 80 pound in four and a bit months. But then again … even someone as thin as Ronnie has been feeling hella’ heavy to pick up._ Moving back in front of the mirror, he pulled his clothes back on and noticed for the first time that his t-shirt was baggy on him and his jeans were barely staying up. _No … wonder I needed a belt and I thought that I’d only lost a bit like last time Alan had gone missing. Shit … how did I not fucking notice this?_

 The truth of it was that he’d been too preoccupied to notice his weight dropping. Spending the morning and afternoon in university and then at half four meeting up with Luna to search the city and surrounding areas for Alan, he’d spend upwards of four hours walking around. Then coming home at around 9pm, to look after Ronald for a few hours, so that Claude could have some relaxation time before bed. After that, he’d spend his time into the early hours of the morning catching up with work or clinging to a piece of Alan’s clothing, begging silently for his return.

 In all those months, he managed on just a couple of bottles of energy drinks and a few packets of crisps. He just hadn’t had the time or the appetite for anything else but it wasn’t until now that he had realised the toll it was taking on him. _Fuck … all the times I got pissed at Alan and I’m doing the same thing. But still … I didn’t eat a tonne before apart from meals – big meals. Ah … shit. If I want to take care of my family, I need to look after myself too._

_\----_

***A few weeks later, first week of February***

 Alan was tired. Tired of selling himself on the streets. Tired of being either high or left with a craving for the drug. A drug he hated and didn’t want to be using. More than anything though, he was sick and tired of listening to the voices. He wanted out and wanted more than anything to just go home. To be in Eric’s warm embrace and to see his friends, if they were still alive.

 He’d told Sascha about the reasons why he didn’t feel welcome at home and the younger man had told him that he wouldn’t know if Eric still wanted him if he didn’t try to go back. Alan was at breaking point and just needed a solid reason to go home. A good enough reason to finally go against the actions the voices were making him participate in.

 He made his way to Sascha’s flat around 2am, the drug having worn off enough for him to remember the way there. He knocked on the door but received no answer. Knocking and waiting for a while longer, he began to worry. _Sascha is normally back by 1am. He never works this late. I hope … that nothing has happened to him._

 A few minutes later, he heard gasping and turned around to see Sascha rushing towards him, tights ripped to shreds and a hand pressed to his leg. “Sash … what happened?” He asked, as Sascha pulled out his key with shaky hands and opened the door. Sascha stepped inside, moving over to the bed and sitting down slowly. Alan followed him in. “Tell … me what happened to … you.”

 The other man looked away, hand gripping the bed and tears beginning to streak his face. “I … I was attacked. After they ….” He lifted his hand to show a cut to his thigh. “You know … what dirty arseholes do … one of them tried to stab me in the leg. I … moved away just … in time and ran back … here as quickly as I could.”

 “I’ll go and get you … a towel.” He did and once back in the room, pressed it to the cut on Sascha’s leg.

 Sascha’s other hand fisted the covers also. “I … hate this place! I don’t want to do this anymore. At this rate … I am going to end up dead. We … both are.”

 “I know …. Do you need help … cleaning up?”

 A bitter laugh echoed around the room. “No, I can do that. I have before, dealt with the aftermath of these events. I don’t need your help.”

 “Oh … okay. Sorry.”

 “But still … they sure tore me up good. … I … I can’t deal with this … anymore.”

 With those words, Alan found his reason. “Neither can I. I’m going … home tomorrow. Taking my last … dose tomorrow morning and instead … of buying more, I’m getting a ticket back to Edinburgh.”

 Sascha sniffed. “That is … brilliant. I’m so glad.” Alan could hear the hurt in his voice and knew why. He didn’t want to be without a friend again.

 “No … I … don’t think you understand what I mean.”

 “Eh?”

 “I’m not leaving you here. I’m going home but … you’re coming with me.”


	64. Owwie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gum clinic - sexual health clinic. Can give them a false identity there and still get healthcare. So explains why Sash can get stuff from there.

 “I’m not leaving you here. I’m going home but … you’re coming with me.”

 Sascha looked at him. “No … don’t be silly. I couldn’t do that. You go -.”

 “There’s no way I’m … going to let you stay here. You’ll … just get hurt again.”

 “No … I couldn’t. They are your family, not mine.”

 “So you want to … stay here and get raped again, is that it?”

 He stared at Alan for a long while. “I didn’t … say that.”

 “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say … something like that. That was mean. I just - you’re coming with me. You helped me … it’s my turn to try to help you.”

 “I – that is very kind of you. Thank you.”

 Alan smiled softly. “No problem.”

 “So … tell me. What is your home like? Nice?”

 “Yeah … it’s really nice. Big and in a nice part of the city.”

 “And the people there are nice too, like you said before.”

 “They are. If … everyone is still alive.”

 “You mean that disabled boy? I thought that you said he hadn’t killed himself?”

 “Yeah but Sash … he was really poorly.”

 Sascha eyed him, wiping a few pained tears from his own eyes. “Well the only way to find out is to hop on that coach.”

 “Only if … you come too.”

 “Okay.” Sascha stood up and winched. “Can you help me to the bathroom? I guess – what is the word – adrenaline kicked in earlier. Now I’m just one giant owwie.”

 “Sure. You … sure you don’t want help cleaning up?”

 Sascha eyed the floor. “Can you come in with me? I never feel safe for days after things like this happen.”

\-----

 Alan woke up a few hours later to the sound of crying. Since staying there, Sascha had been keeping the lamp on for him and he looked down to see Sascha clinging to his shirt. “Sash … what’s wrong?”

 “My … bits hurt.”

 He pulled Sascha closer. “We should get you to the … gum clinic … later. Get you checked out.”

 “Can’t. It’s a Saturday, they aren’t open.”

 “Oh. But … what about being preg-.”

 “Ugh. Don’t even go there. I … I’m on … the pill anyway so it’s fine.”

 “I’m s ... sorry.”

  “It’s okay. It’s just that the p word messes with my head. … I can’t even take any more painkillers yet … crap.” Alan rubbed his back and Sascha snuggled into his chest. “But ….” He sniffed. “Things … will be okay now … I hope.”

\----

 The next morning, Alan went to shoot up for the last time, pushing the voices aside and heading back to the flat once his high had begun to wear off, instead of heading to buy more Heroin. Knocking on the door, Sascha let him in. “I brought you some clothes.”

 “What? But you should be resting … you’re still in pain.”

 “Co-codamol works wonders. Plus, can’t have you going home if you don’t look your best.”

 “But … I – you shouldn’t be spending money on me. You … don’t have much-.”

 “I have enough left for a ticket. I needed to go out and get a suitcase anyway and I’m sure that these clothes will look cute on you.”

 “I – thank … you, Sash.”

\----

 All packed and Alan changed into a jumper, pair of jeans and new pair of sneakers (Sascha had nosed at the size printed on his old ones before Alan went out that morning), they got on the coach a few hours later. “Al, you don’t look well. Are withdrawals kicking in already?”

 “I’m not sure. Maybe it’s just … nerves.”

 “Well … we will be there soon.”

 “Yeah ….”

\----

 Eric had just come home from doing a six hour shift at his Saturday job. “Eric … are y’ … okay?” Ronald asked, as Eric entered the living room.

 “I – No.”

 “What’s … up?”

 “I … jus’ miss Al so much.”

 Ronald held out shaking arms. “Come and give us a … hug, buddy.” Eric moved over onto the sofa, arms wrapping around Ronald and letting himself cry.

 A while later, Eric asked. “He’s not comin’ back, is he?”

 “I dunno’. Maybe-.” At that moment, there was a knock at the door.


	65. He's found someone else.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is now longer than the original Elan series. Whoop! Almost 200,000 words for entire Elan series (including the spin offs.)

 Ronald looked up as Eric re-entered the living room. “Who … was … it?”

 “Sebastian jus’ brought over dinner. For a moment, I hoped it would be Al.”

 “But … why? I mean Luna … always comes over after … y’ finish work … so tha’ y’ can go searchin’.”

 “Yeah but not today. It’s Angelina’s birthday.”

 “Ah.”

\----

***Outside of Edinburgh bus station***

 “Alan! Where are you going? I thought you said that your house was the other way.” Sascha shouted, rushing after Alan and dragging a suitcase behind him.

 “I … can’t go back. Eric doesn’t want … me.” He continued to walk quickly.

 “Slow down. I … I’m still sore.” Alan did and he caught up with him. “I keep telling you that you won’t know for sure if you don’t go and see.”

 “But … what if … he’s found someone else.”

 Sascha grabbed his hand. “There’s only one way to find out, now stop being silly. You … you’re all clammy. Withdrawals are kicking in already, no? We should hurry.”

 “But-.”

 “Stop being stubborn!”

\----

 Half an hour later, Eric and Ronald were sat in the living room, Claude on a chair across the room. “Y’ didn’t even eat tha’ … dinner Bassy made y’.” Ronald said.

 “I jus’ ‘ave no appetite.”

 “But-.”

 “I’m gunna’ go for a walk, clear my head.” Eric stood up and moved to the hallway, grabbing his shoes and putting them on. As he opened the front door, someone knocked on his chest.

 “Oh … sorry. The door was there a minute ago.”

 Eric eyed the boy in front of him, who was easily a foot shorter than him. “Erm … hello?”

 The boy smiled. “Someone called Alan lives here, no?”

 Eric frowned. “He used ta’, why?”

 “Oh … silly me, that is what I meant. You are Eric, I suppose?”

 “Yeah … why? Who are ya’?”

 The boy giggled. “Alan was right, you are a tall one.”

 “Al? Ya’ know him? Ya’ know where he is?”

 “Oh yes, sorry. He’s hiding behind the hedge. Bit nervous, you see.”

 “Is this some kinda’ joke? ‘Cause it ain’t funny.”

 “Joke? No, not at all.” The boy turned around to face the hedge a few feet away. “Alan, come on. Stop being a scared-y cat.”

 After a few moments, Alan came into view and Eric found himself frozen in place. “He … he’s really home.”

 Alan was in front of him within moments, a small suitcase at his side. He took in Eric’s appearance, not quite recognising him and wondering if he was still in fact high. “You … have lost weight.”

 Eric pulled him into a tight hug. “I … can’t believe it. After all these months … ya’ home. Al, I’m so sorry for everythin’. I never … meant ta’ – I’m so sorry.”

 “It’s … okay.” Alan rested his head against Eric’s chest.

 “It really isn’t. Is … there anythin’ I can do ta’ make it up ta’ ya’?”

 “I don’t know … but you still love me, right?”

 Eric pulled away and stood back to look at him. “I do. Actually … there’s somethin’ I need ta’ ask ya’. Tha’ I’ve wanted ta’ ask ya’ when ya’ were back home. Me and Luna ‘ave been tryin’ ta’ look for ya’ since ya’ left.”

 “What … do you want to ask?” Alan eyed him nervously.

 Pulling a box from his jean pocket, Eric bent down on one knee. He opened the box to reveal a gold band. “Will ya’ marry me?” Alan gasped, hand moving to his mouth. “I … I mean, I understand if ya’ don’t want ta’. If ya’ don’t wanna’ even be with me any-.”

 “You … really want … to marry me?” Alan asked, removing his hand.

 “Yeah, I do.”

 “You really do still … love me.” A sob left Alan and he nodded his head. “Yes … I will. I want to … be yours.”

 Eric smiled widely, a few tears of his own falling, as he pulled Alan’s hand towards him and slid the ring on. He stood up again, arms wrapping around Alans waist and pulling him into a kiss.

 Sascha clapped his hands together. “How cute! See Alan, you should have come home ages ago!

 “I love ya’, Al.” Eric breathed, parting the kiss.

 “I love you … too. I have … something to ask you also.”

 “Sure, anythin’.”

 “Can Sascha stay here for a while? He’s got nowhere else to go.”

 “Sascha, huh? I’m sorry, Al but it’s not up ta’ me.”

 The other two male’s faces fell and Alan asked. “What … do you mean?”

 “Since ya’ been gone, Claude’s had ta’ give up his job ta’ look after Ronnie. We’re struggling for money. I don’t … know if he’ll want another mouth ta’ feed.”

 “But-.” Alan began.

 “No … I understand.” Sascha stated sadly, eyeing the floor. “I’ll see you again … maybe. Someday.”

 He went to grab the handle of his suitcase but Eric pulled it away from him, saying “I’ll … talk ta’ him.”

 “Thank you. So Ronnie … survived then?” Alan asked.

 Eric smiled. “He’s doin’ so much better. Come on, let’s ge’ ya’ inside.” He eyed Alan thoroughly. “Ya’ don’t look very well.”

\----

 Once in the living room, Ronald looked at the three males. “He … he’s back.”

 Alan gasped again, before racing over to Ronald and sitting next to him, burying his face in Ronald’s chest. “You … you’re really still alive. I didn’t think … you’d still be here. And … you can talk?! Oh … Ronnie … I’m so glad that you’re okay.”

 Ronald rubbed Alan’s back as best he could with a shaking hand. “It’s good ta’ … saw – see … y’, b … buddy.” He turned to look at Eric and Sascha. “Who’s tha’ … shorty?”

 “Yes, I was about to ask the same thing.” Claude replied.

 “This is Sascha. He … needs a place ta’ crash for a while.” Eric stated.

 “Let me guess, he doesn’t have an income either?”

 “I … no, I don’t.” Sascha said, uncomfortable under everyone’s gaze. “I’m sorry, sir. I will leave.”

 “No, it is fine. Now that Alan is back, I can return to work at least.”

 Ronald grinned at Sascha. “Welcome … ta’ tha’ family, short arse.”


	66. Brat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the original Elan (Al, what are you hiding?) has had over 1000 views now.  
> Wo! I feel good, I knew that I wouldn't of -I feel good, I knew that I wouldn't of -So good, so good, I got you. 
> 
> Okay ... chapter time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eric's thoughts in italics. Alan's in italic bold.

 While Alan was still clinging to Ronald’s shirt, Eric smiled down at Sascha. “Come on, I’ll show ya’ ta’ ya’ room.”

 “Okay, thank you.” Eric grabbed his suitcase and headed upstairs, Sascha following close behind. As they reached the landing, he said “I don’t think he likes me much.”

 “Who, Claude?”

 “Him, yes.”

 “Na, he’s jus’ stressed. If he didn’t like ya’, he wouldn’t ‘ave let ya’ stay.”

 “Oh, okay. I guess that … is true.”

 “Yeah, don’t worry ya’self. Anyway, mine and Al’s room is jus’ down tha’ hall if ya’ need anythin’.” He pointed to a door to his left. “That’s tha’ bathroom.” Walking to the door at his right, he said “this is ya’ room.”

 As Eric opened the door, Sascha walked in. “This room is big.”

 “Ya’ think? It’s jus’ tha’ spare room.”

 “It is still much bigger than my bedroom back in Germany. My family had money but they would rather spend it on travelling to far away countries and well, Scotland. Plus we lived in a tiny village, the homes were all so small.”

 “Then why are ya’ over here?”

 “It does not matter.”

 Eric could hear his voice cracking and decided to change the topic of conversation. “When ya’ met Al, was he okay? I mean, he wasn’t hurt or anythin’, was he? Where did ya’ find him?”

 “I think that it is best to talk about that with him, not me.” He grabbed his suitcase and headed into the room. “The bed looks comfortable!”

 _Yeah … he’s right. I just hope that Al didn’t get hurt again._ Eric turned to head back downstairs, just as Alan stepped onto the landing. “Ya’ alright? Ya’ look pale, babe.”

 “I’m … fine. I’m just tired.” Alan said, walking to their bedroom.

 “Alright. Want me ta’ ge’ ya’ anythin’ ta’ eat?”

 “No.” Alan kicked off his shoes and got into bed.

 “Somethin’ ta’ drink?”

 “I said that I’m fine!” Alan turned over in bed to face away from Eric. **_I’m … getting all agitated. Withdrawals? No … not already. I … can’t deal with this … yet._** “I … I’m sorry. I didn’t … mean to snap. Can … you just come hold me for … a bit?”

 “Yeah, ‘course.” Eric shifted under the covers too and pulled Alan close. “I’m so glad tha’ ya’ back.”

 “Me … too.”

 “Where were ya’, Al?”

 “Glasgow.”

 “Shit, really? Dammit, if we’d ‘ave jus’ listened ta’ Luna’s mom-.”

 “Luna’s mom?”

 “Yeah, me and Luna went ta’ Bradford durin' October break, jus’ in case ya’ went back there.”

 “Oh … you were looking for me?”

 “For over four months, yeah.”

 “Really?”

 “Yup.”

 “If I knew that … then I would have come back sooner.”

 Eric kissed the top of his head, before saying. “Tha’ doesn’t matter now. Ya’ home and safe and ….” His voice shook. “I’m jus’ … so glad tha’ ya’ alright.”

 “I – are you … okay? You’ve lost … a lot of weight.”

 “I jus’ lost my apetite for a bit but now ya’ back, I’ll be munchin’ on a tonne of takeaways. Al?”

 “Yeah?”

 “Erm … wha’ happened ta’ ya’ while ya’ was gone? Did anyone hurt ya’?”

 “Can … we talk … about it later? I … I’ve just gotten home.”

 “Yeah … alright.” _That’s not a good sign._

\----

***An hour later***

 “Well, I should really be off now. Until we meet again, my love.” Charles Grey headed to the door. He’d popped by for the first visit since he’d informed Claude of Lau and Ran- Mao’s deaths.

 Ronald had been glaring at him the entire time and once the front door had been locked and Claude was back in the living room, Ronald asked. “Who … tha’ hell is he? My love? Wha’ was all tha’ ‘bout?”

 “He is just a long-time friend who has moved up here.”

 “Well … he sure has a thing for y’.”

 “Maybe, maybe not.”

 “Some … history … there tha’ y’ … not talk – tellin’ me ‘bout?”

 Claude shot a glare at him. “If you must know, he was the first man that I slept with. That is all.”

 Ronald huffed. “So that’s it, huh? Y’ … got a bit on tha' side?!”

 “Don’t be ridic-.”

 “’Cause y’ obviously don’t enjoy havin’ sex wi’ … me anymore.”

 “What are you talking about?”

 “Y’ don’t want ta’ do it wi’ me. I … can tell. Guess I’m not sexy … when my body … doesn’t work properly, huh?”

 “Are you stupid? Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I’m just too stressed to even think about being intimate at present? Thrusting into you isn’t really on my mind right now.”

 An irritated grunt left Ronald. “Why not? That’s all … I ever was ta’ y’ before. A hole ta’ shove y’ dick inta’. So yeah … go and shag Grey all y’ want.”

 “Why do you have to overreact and throw a temper tantrum over every little thing?!”

 “Wha’ tha’ hell are y’ on … ‘bout?”

 “Like when you destroyed the living room because I broke your silly games console. Do you remember yesterday? When you threw the remote control across the room and narrowly avoided breaking the window with it. All because I wouldn’t let you eat some of my dinner, when you know damned well that the doctors have told you not to take anything orally at the moment.”

 “Y’ … know that I can’t help it. Even tha’ doctors said tha’ brain damage … can cause mood swings.”

 “Well it’s bloody infuriating. Especially when I have enough on my plate to begin with.”

“Well … boo-hoo! At least y’ can bloody walk!”

 “Ronald-.”

 “Y’ know wha’?!” With great concentration, he pulled the ring from his finger and that too was thrown across the room. “Tha’ wedding’s off.”

 Claude stared at him for a moment, before scowling. “It would appear so. Such gratitude for all that I have done for you. I hope that you can at least pack your bags for yourself.”

 “Wha-?”

 “I want you out of the house first thing in the morning. If you’re going to act like such a spoilt brat, I wish not to see you ever again.” With that, he stormed from the room.


	67. I guess our family will only be complete for a day at most.

 Eric’s eyes opened slowly and he turned to look at the digital clock on the nightstand. “Hn … wha’? Half nine?”

 “Yeah … you fell … asleep.”

 The blonde turned over to look at Alan, his sweaty face illuminated by the bedside lamp. “Ya’ don’t look well at all, babe. I think ya’ comin’ down wi’ somethin’.”

 Alan looked away. “No, it’s not … that.”

 “Well there’s somethin’ up wi’ ya’. Ya’ as white as a ghost.”

 “Listen … Eric, there’s something … that … I need to tell … you.”

 “Okay?”

 “But I … don’t know … how to tell … you, so … I’ll show you instead. Switch the … light on.”

 Eric’s brow furrowed but he stood up to switch the main light on. Getting back on the bed, he asked “show me wha’?”

 With his eyes still cast downwards, Alan sat up. “Look … at my arms.”

 “Eh? But Al, ya’ don’t want me ta’ see ya’ scars.”

 “It … it’s not my scars that … I need to show you. Please … just look. I think … that you need to know.”

 Eric nodded, taking Alan’s hand in his and pushing his jumper up. Track marks were evident and Eric knew exactly what they were, having seen them on Jacob’s arms almost three years ago. “Al …no, ya’ didn’t-.”

 “I … I’m sorry … Eric.”

 “It … it’s heroin, right?”

 “Yes. I’m … sorry, Eric. I didn’t … mean to … get myself into … such a mess.”

 Eric gulped and shook his head, tears beginning to well up in his eyes. “No … it’s my fault tha’ this happened. If I had never – God, I’m so sorry.”

 “It’s not … your -.”

 “Yes it is!”

 Alan looked over at him then. “It’s not. If I hadn’t … of run away – the voices made me take it, not you. I think I’m … all sweaty and stuff because … of withdrawal … from it.”

 Eric pulled him close, resting his chin on Alan’s head. “How … much were ya’ takin’?”

 “A few … bags a day.”

 A sob slipped from Eric. “Shit, Al. When did ya’ … last … ya’ know?”

 “This morning. I … think it’s been … about twelve hours.”

 Eric sniffed. “Tell … me everything. Wha’ happened … in Glasgow?”

\----

***Alan’s Pov***

 Alan tensed up. “You … won’t hate … me if I tell you?”

 “No.”

 “Well … there isn’t much to tell … really. I … was just back on the streets again. Spent … all my money on ‘it’ and then ….”

 “Then wha’?”

 “Never mind, it-.”

 “Al, come on. I’m not gunna’ hate ya’ for it.”

 “O … okay. Then … I ended up … sleeping … with people for money. I … I’m such a slut.”

 “No ya’ not! Stop thinkin’ of ya’self in tha’ way.”

 “Then … Sascha took me in. He had been doing the … same thing as me.”

 “I thought ya’ said tha’ he didn’t ‘ave a place-.”

 “I wasn’t … going to leave him there, to do ‘that’ any longer. He kept getting … hurt.”

 “Yeah … fair enough. Did … they hurt ya’ too?” Alan didn’t answer. “Al … come one. Did they, ya’ know?”

 “Yes … they did.”

 “Shit-.”

 “But … they all used protection.” Alan lied. _I don’t … want to be put on … those pep meds again. They … made me feel so ill last time.”_

 “Really?”

 “Yes.”

 “That’s … good.”

 “Do … you still love me? Even after you know-.”

 “Always.”

 “But … I didn’t think you did … before I left.”

 “I was jus’ upset. I didn’t mean any of wha’ I said. I should ‘ave never broken up wi’ ya’.”

 “O … okay.”

 “Don’t believe me, do ya’?”

 “No … I do.”

***No Pov***

 At that moment there was a knock at the door. “Yeah … come in.” Eric said.

 Sascha opened it slightly and peeked out from around the side of it. “Sorry to be bothering you.”

 “It’s … okay.” Alan stated.

 “So, ya’ alright?” Eric asked.

 “Yes. I was just wondering … would it be okay for me to grab something to eat from the kitchen?”

 Eric wiped his eyes. “Yeah … help ya’self. Think there’s some ready meals in tha’ freezer if ya’ like tha’ sorta’ thing.”

 Sascha’ eyes lit up. “Yes, I like them. Sounds good, thank you Eric.” He darted out of sight.

 Eric kissed the top of Alan’s head, before speaking. “I hope he didn’t wait all this time ta’ ask us tha’ if he was hungry. He’s as shy as ya’.”

 “No … he’s not normally.”

 “Claude must ‘ave scared him.”

 Alan giggled. “Probably.” And then shivered. “I don’t feel so good.”

 “Jus’ try ta’ ge’ some rest. Tha’ drug’s jus’ gotta’ work its way outta’ ya’ system, right?”

 “I … think so. I don’t know how it works. Jacob … never went without it.” Alan moved to lie back down.

\----

 Ten minutes passed, before Alan sighed. “It’s no good, Eric. I … I’m wide awake.”

 “Ah, okay. Want me ta’ ge’ ya’ somethin’ ta’ eat?”

 “No … I mean … I’m hungry but … the thought of food is making me feel sick.”

 “Oh. Well I don’t want ya’ bein’ sick. I’ll jus’ ge’ ya’ some water, wouldn’t want ya’ getting’ dehydrated.”

 “Thank … you.”

 As Eric got up from the bed, the door burst open and a frantic looking Sascha raced in. “The blond boy – Ronald … I - he’s not breathing.”

 Alan shot up in bed. “Ronnie …”

 Sascha said “he’s down in the living room,” before dashing back out of the room.

\----

***Eric’s Pov***

 Eric rushed out too, Alan following them as quickly as he could. “Did ya’ phone an ambulance?” Eric asked, as he trailed closely behind Sascha.

 “No … my phone had died.”

 The blonde cringed at those choice of words, before saying “there’s a phone in tha’ kitchen.”

 As he got into the room, Alan caught up with him. They found Ronald slumped on the sofa and Eric quickly checked his mouth. “I don’t ge’ this. He hasn’t been sick.” Scooping Ronald up and laying him on the floor, he began to do chest compressions. “Come on buddy, breath for me.” _Shit … this is just like … that night._

 Alan collapsed to his knees at Eric’s side. “Please … Ronnie … we can’t lose you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Sobs hysterically in the background.***
> 
> Researched used:   
> Heroin withdrawal timeline and effects.


	68. Fruit pastles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> medical bits in end notes.

 Eric came down the hallway of the hospital, to find Alan and Sascha sitting there. “Well tha’ doctor said tha’ Ronnie has been moved ta’ intensive care.”

 “Did … they say … what caused … him to stop breathing?” Alan asked.

 “Tha’ it was probably a seizure. I don’t ge’ it though, he’s never stopped breathin’ ‘cause of one before and he hadn’t even been sick. Tha’ doctor said tha’ it was somethin’ ta’ do wi’ tha’ fact tha’ seizures can sometimes affect tha’ brain and make tha’ heart stop.”

 “He will be okay though?” Sascha asked.

 “I mean … they think tha’…” His voice started to crack. “He’s got further brain damage from tha’ … fact tha’ he was wi’out oxygen for a while before ya’ found him. That’s … why he’s having problems … breathing for himself now. They hooked him up ta’ a ventilator. Dammit … this is just … like before.”

 Sascha’s brow furrowed. “But he didn’t stop breathing for too long. I told them that he was fine before I went to heat my meal up. No more than ten minutes.”

 “That’s enough ta’ cause brain damage – more brain damage. Sash, did he seem alright when ya’ checked on him before ya’ went in tha’ kitchen?”

 He pondered for a moment. “Hmm, maybe he was a little bit upset. He said something, I don’t know, about breaking up with his partner? I found that strange. I mean that he is going to be married, yes? The scary man is his partner or is that wrong?”

 “No … that’s right.”

 “Maybe they … had an argument or something. I think they might have, I heard Ronnie … shouting while you were asleep but … I thought that he was just having another … mood swing. He still has them, right?” Alan asked.

 “Yeah, he does. Dammit … I dunno’ wha’ Claude was thinkin’ even if they did split up. He knows tha’ Ronnie shouldn’t be left on his own.” Eric replied. “His phone is off too. Bastard.” At that moment, Sascha’s belly rumbled and he rubbed it. “Hungry?”

 “Yes. My meal is probably cold by now.”

 “Wha’ did ya’ pick?”

 “From the freezer?”

 “Yeah.”

 “Hmm … what was it called … something about a toad and a hole?”

 “Ah, yeah. Toad in tha’ hole.”

 “Yes, that one. I found that - what is the word ... intriguing? Why would someone put toad meat in a sausage? It … is very strange.”

 Eric snorted. “That’s jus’ wha’ it’s called.”

 “So pig meat?”

 “Yeah.” He rummaged in his pocket for some money, having learnt by now to keep some on him at all times. One could never be sure as to when a night at the hospital was needed. “Here. Go and ge’ ya’self somethin’ from tha’ vendin’ machine.” He handed a five pound note to Sascha.

 “Oh … thank you very much.” He went racing off to find a machine.

 Eric turned to Alan, taking in his appearance. “Al, ya’ shakin’.”

 “I … I’m fine.” Alan rubbed the tops of his arms. “My cravings … are just getting so bad. I really need-.”

 Eric moved to sit next to him, pulling him into a sideways hug. “No, ya’ don’t. Ya’ can beat this.”

 After a long sigh, Alan said “really? Because I haven’t been … able to beat … anything so far. Not the eating disorder … or the voices or … anything.”

 “Not yet but soon ya’ will. Jus’ keep tryin’.”

 Alan nodded. “So … you didn’t manage to … phone Claude earlier?”

 “Na. Phone was off, remember? I did ge’ in touch wi’ Sebastian though. He said he has a feelin’ ‘bout where Claude is.”

 At that moment, Sascha hurried back over to them, half eaten packet of fruit pastels in hand. “Well tha’ ain’t gunna’ fill ya’ up much.” Eric stated.

 “No but it is tasty.” He held out the packet. “Would you like one?”

 “Na, I’m good.” He pulled a ten pound note from his pocket this time. “Ge’ a taxi and take Al home, he’s not very well.”

 “No, I’m fine! I should … be here … in case Ronnie … doesn’t make it.”

 “He will! The doctors said tha’ he’s stable for now. Ya’ should go and rest.”

 “Eric is right, you look very ill.”

 Alan looked down. “Are you sure? I … feel bad … for not being well enough to … be there for you.”

 “Yeah. Ronnie will still be here tomorrow.” Eric replied.

\----

 Meanwhile, Sebastian was waiting on his street. He had a feeling that Claude would come to see Hannah if he wasn’t at home. Surely enough, a few minutes later, Claude’s car pulled up just down the road.

 Sebastian hurried over to him, just as Claude pulled his key out of the ignition. “Claude, I’m guessing that you haven’t checked your phone?”

 He received a glare from the other male. “No. Let me guess, news of our break up has spread like wild fire?”

 Sebastian blinked at him. “No. In fact I had no idea about that and I don’t think Eric was aware of it either.”

 “Then why are you here? I don’t need baby-sitting.”

 “Ronald stopped breathing and was rushed into hospital. He’s alive though, thankfully.”

 “Oh.”

 “So are you going to the hospital or do I have to drag you there by the ear?”

 “Of course I’m going. I still love him, you fool.”

 “I am coming with you.”

 “Do what you want, it does not concern me.” Sebastian walked around to the passenger side door and got in. Eyeing Sebastian, Claude asked “have you been crying?”

 “I thought that I was not your concern?”

 Claude started the car again. “That is true but you sure have become attached to that boy.”

 “Maybe I have but his condition is not the only cause of my upset.”

 “Then what is the matter? Have you also had to go through a break up?”

 A few more tears fell. “How I wish that was the problem. No, I found out earlier that Adrian has been hiding something from me for over a week.”

 “And that would be?”

 “Brain tumour. Cancer. Terminal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a theory that seizure activity in the brain can sometimes cause changes in the person’s heartbeat or breathing, which can cause them to stop breathing or their heart to cease beating.


	69. Stop pretending ... because it's time to call it quits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember this from chapter 8?
> 
> Sebastian Michaelis: Proof that a rough start does not foretell an unhappy ending. Abandoned by his mother, a Heroin addict, at birth, he was adopted by a kind, wealthy couple. The new family moved around a lot, one location being Edinburgh.
> 
> He did well in college and decided to become a chemistry teacher. As his parents moved again, he stayed in the city.  
> He fell in love, lost his first love to cancer at the tender age of eighteen. 
> 
>  
> 
> Now you do ;)

***That morning, before Alan had returned home and before the argument***

 Ronald rested his head on Claude’s chest, being held tightly in his arms under the bed sheets. “Y’ know … I would ‘ave y’ kids if I could.”

 “I’m afraid that you do not have the bodily parts required for that.” Claude replied.

 “Hey … I said I would if I could.”

 “I am not very paternal anyway.”

 “Then ... let’s jus’ … stick ta’ … marriage, huh?”

 “Let’s. It will be a fine wedding.”

 “Na. I don’t … want anythin’ fancy. As long … as it’s y’ I’m marrying … we could ge’ married in a barn for all I care. Sex on top of … hay barrels sounds … kinda’ fun though.”

 “It does.”

 “After all tha’ has happened, I … feel happy. If Al comes back, life would be brilliant. Finally reach tha’ light at tha’ end of tha’ tunnel … tha’ y’ are always goin’ on ‘bout.”

 “I promised you that we would find that light eventually. If I could bring Alan back I would. I’d do anything in my power to grant you that happy ending.”

\-----

***Present day***

 The car was turned off once more and their eyes locked for a moment, before Claude spoke. “I … I am sorry, Sebastian. May I ask what happened?”

 “I thought that you didn’t care.”

 “Or maybe I am just in a foul mood and am taking it out on you, as I always do.”

 “Yes, I suppose. I am used to it by now.” Sebastian paused for a moment. “From what Adrian has told me, he has been suffering headaches for a number of months. Then came the fainting spells at university. He lost consciousness while driving a while back and crashed.”

 “And he didn’t tell you about the crash before?”

 “He did. However, he stated that someone drove into him. He had never even mentioned the headaches. Apparently the doctors thought it may have been epilepsy. That was until the scans came back. Stage four cancer.”

 “But surely they can operate or something?”

 “They have given Adrian that option but the success rate of such things isn’t very high.”

 “But he is going to try that, surely?”

 “I … I don’t know. The conversation had become a bit of a blur by then.”

 “I see.” Claude checked his watch. “It is almost midnight. You should return home and comfort Adrian the best you can.”

 “No … I feel that he needs a break from me. He has been comforting me more so than vice-versa.”

 “Very well.” The car was started up. “I find this cruelly ironic.”

 Sebastian nodded. “Yes. Losing the first love of my life to the same fate. Cruel is a very fitting word. … I wish to change the subject. Why did you and Ronald end your relationship?”

 “Ronald acting like a spoilt child as usual.”

 “There must be more to it than that.”

 The car pulled away from the kerb. “I will tell you the details on the way.” Sadly, there had been a crash on one of the roads leading up to the hospital, a drunk driver hitting a taxi. They would be stuck in Saturday night traffic for over an hour.

\----

***Faustus residence***

 Alan dropped his key as he was attempting to push it into the lock. Sascha bent down to pick it up. “Your shakes are getting really bad.”

 “I … know.” He wiped his nose on his sleeve. “Nose won’t stop … running.”

 “That sucks.” Sascha stated, as he opened the door and stepped inside.

 “Yeah.” Alan followed Sascha and headed upstairs, Sascha close behind him. “I – my body … aches all over. Shit …” He moved into the bedroom and sat on the bed. “I really … need some Heroin right now.”

 Sascha was at his side straight away, rubbing his back. “No, no. Don’t be silly. We are away from all of that now. Please … try to get some rest. You have been through a lot today.”

 “Not really. I … wasn’t the one … to find Ronnie … clinically dead.”

 “That is true but he is your best friend, not mine.”

 Alan shivered. “Yeah … maybe I just … need to take my mind off … of the cravings. Have … you ever had a partner?”

 “Me? Yes … once. Not long before I was abandoned here.”

 “What … was his name?”

 Sascha smiled, though his eyes conveyed great sadness. “Rudgar. It was – how do you say? Erm … love at first sight. He was my everything, the only man to accept me for who I was. Very handsome too. I think I was his life also, he said the once ‘Ihr seid das Licht meines Lebens.’”

 “What … does that mean?”

 “’You are the light of my life'. Oh … how I miss him.” Tears began to well up in his eyes. “Maybe … I hope that someday we will meet again. Though, I don’t think he would want me after I was a street worker. Maybe he would consider me dirty.”

 Alan shook his head. “He would want … you. Eric says … that he still loves me after all I have put him through.”

 “You saying that makes me very happy. Al?”

 “Y … yeah?”

 “Didn’t you say that you have a dog? I haven’t seen him yet.”

 “Yeah … true. I haven’t seen Titan either.” A gasp left his mouth, before he whispered. “I … I hope that they … didn’t have to give him away.”

\---

 The doctor had spoken to Eric again, saying that shortly after the first talk, Ronald had had another seizure, his heart stopping once again. They hadn’t been able to revive him as quickly as the paramedics had, over ten minutes use of the defibrillator needed.

 Eric was finally allowed to see Ronald around half twelve and sadness ground away at him as he entered the room. Familiar beeps surrounded him, machines once again keeping the frail man alive. Eric took one look at Ronald, a tube pressed into his mouth and at that moment, he lost it, falling to his knees at the side of the bed. Placing his face in his palms, he cried “finally … we ge’ Al back and end up losin’ ya’. I’m not goin’ ta’ be an idiot this time … and pretend – no matter wha’ … I said ta’ Al, I know tha’ ya’ not goin’ ta’ make it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Adrian's symptoms are what happened to a driver that used to work at our shop and my aunt's best friend. She's still with us thankfully, a tough cookie until the end.


	70. He ... didn't make it, did he?

***1am.***

 Eric didn't know how long he had spent collapsed on the floor, crying until his eyes ran dry but it felt like forever. Finally he composed him and stood up on shaky legs. His fists balled, as he took in Ronald's appearance for a second time. It seemed even worse than the last, a crushing reminder of Ronald's time in that coma.

 "Damn ... wha' was Claude thinkin'? Doesn't he realise how precious ya' are?" He said, before sniffing and bending down to place a kiss on Ronald's forehead.

 A few moments later, Claude entered the room, Sebastian having waited outside. Once they had made their way through the traffic, they had gotten into an argument, Claude having let slip that he'd been drinking before going to the street Hannah lived on. As such, Sebastian had demanded to take the wheel, Claude stating that he wasn't even tipsy.

 Eventually, they had traded positions and arrived at the hospital. Soon after, a doctor had explained Ronald's situation to Claude.

 Eric heard him enter the room and raced up to him, grabbing his t-shirt and slamming him up against the wall. His fist was drawn back, before it collided with Claude's cheek. Then his chin. "Ya' cunt! 'Cause of ya', Ronnie is a gonna'! Why ... did ya' leave him all alone? Ya' ... knew he had seizures and ya' knew tha' stress triggers them. Ya' knew tha' he still wasn't well enough ta-."

 "Eric, calm yourself. Acting like a baboon that has gone berserk is not helping the situation."

 "Can ya' blame me?! Ya' know tha' Ronnie ... is at death's door, right?"

 "Yes, the doctors have informed me of his prognosis. However, being punched isn't pleasant."

 Eric scowled at him. "And I'm sure tha' Ronnie had a brilliant time not bein' able ta' breathe!"

 "Eric-"

 "And I really fuckin' hope tha' whatever ya' said in tha' argument was worth it." He let go of Claude's shirt. "Because ... it'll probably ... be tha' last thing ya' will ever say ta' him."

 "Then it shall be my greatest regret."

 A bitter laugh escaped Eric. "Oh really? Wha' did ya' say? 'Cause we all know tha' ya' can spit venom wi' ya' words when ya' feel like it."

 "If you must know ... I told him that I never wanted to see him again. That I hoped he'd be able to pack his bags for himself because I wanted him out of the house by morning."

 "Ya' fuckin' cunt!" Eric was about to throw more punches when Sebastian entered the room.

 "Will you two please stop fitting. This is neither the time nor the place to be doing so."

 Eric dropped his hand in defeat. "Yeah ... I guess ya' right."

 Sebastian looked between them. "I overheard your conversation - I think that most of the people in the hallway did - and I think that you should tell Ronald how much he means to you. In case tonight really will be his last night."

 Claude glanced at the floor. "You are right. While I still have chance."

 It wasn't to be, as at that moment, the heart rate monitor flatlined once more and the alarm in the room sounded. Eric's eyes widened. "Ronnie ... no, not again."

\------

***home***

 "It ... hurts. Everything ... really hurts." Alan said hoarsely, from his position clutching onto the toilet seat. He'd been throwing up bile for the last twenty three minutes, nausea from the withdrawals having kicked in.

 Sascha had a comforting hand on his shoulder, though he was trying to stop himself from gagging. He hadn't the stomach for vomit, let alone the pungent smell of stomach acid.

 Alan wretched again, before speaking. "Fuck ... I need to ... go back to ... Glasgow ... I need 'it', Sash. I can't ... cope with this."

 "Yes you can. Be strong now. I know that you will be able to beat this."

 "No ..." He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to push away the sickness churning his stomach. "I ... can't do this. I ... I'm not strong. I ... I'm not like ... Ronnie."

 "You do not have enough faith in yourself."

 Alan whimpered, a hand moving to press to his belly. "I ... know but ... I've never ... been able to recover ... from anything."

 "But-."

 "But nothing! Just ... fuck off. I don't need your ... pity."

 "Pity? No ... I am your friend. This is what friends do. I will not 'fuck off' but I will fetch you a glass of water. You must be parched."

 "Sash ... I ... I'm sorry."

 "It is fine. I've had people do worse to me than just swear. I will always be your friend, Al."

 "Thank ... you." He rested his head against cold porcelain. _I hope that Ronnie ... is okay._

\-----

 Eric and Claude arrived home, Eric heading straight upstairs. Sascha was waiting for him in the bedroom. "He's ... in a lot of pain." The blonde looked from him to Alan, who was tossing and turning on the covers, groaning in agony. All of his muscles were tensing. It felt unbearable.

 Giving no response, Eric made his way over to the bed. "How ... is he?" Alan asked. Once again Eric didn't answer, instead getting onto the bed and pulling Alan up into his arms, whose clothes were soaked in cold sweat. Eric stared straight ahead at the wall, still in total shock. "He ... didn't make it, did he?" A broken sob echoed around the room, matching the residents in the house.

 Because after such hardships ... how could anyone in that house claim to be intact?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sob*
> 
> So I'm at work tomorow. May therefore only get one chapter up. 
> 
> Hmm yep. 23 minutes. Being accurate AF.


	71. Your regrets are punishment enough.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 900 views on this wow. 
> 
> This series will soon be reaching its end.

 ***Alan's thoughts.***

Alan shivered and looked down, noticing the blood coating Eric's knuckles. "Eric ... what ... did you do to your ... hand?" He winched in pain, his stomach churning more. "Please ... talk to me. Tell me ... if Ronnie made it."

 Eric's gaze shifted from the wall down to Alan. "I ... broke Claude's car window. Punched ... it I mean."

 "Oh ... so Sebastian ... found him?"

 "Yeah."

 "Why ... did you punch the window?"

 "Sebastian ... he said tha' Adrian has jus' been diagnosed ... wi' stage four cancer."

 Alan's eyes went wide. "No ... no. That's silly. That ... can't be true."

 "It is true. Ronnie isn't tha' only one tha' we're gunna' lose."

 "He ... he's still alive?"

 Another sob escaped Eric, before he said. "Yeah but Al, he's barely hangin' on. His heart kept stoppin' everytime he had a seizure and .... he can't even breath for himself." He wiped his eyes. "Turns out Claude left tha' house after tha' argument and forgot ta' give Ronnie ... his seizure meds. That's why he had such a bad one."

 "Oh ...."

 "Yeah. Claude came home ta' ge' somethin' for Ronnie. I don't know ... wha' is was. Sebastian's takin' him back ta' tha' hospital in a bit. Tha' staff are letting him stay tha' night because they don't think he will ... make it either."

 Alan nodded slowly. "You should ... go too." _I wish I could but ... I can barely even stand._  
"I've already ... said my goodbyes, Al. I did after tha' last time they resuscitated him." _I've lost my second chance to ... say goodbye._ "It's ... just too awful ta' see him like tha'. With ... a fuckin' tube shoved ... down his throat and wires stuck everywhere."

 "Yeah ..." Alan whimpered, tensing up in Eric's embrace.

 "Ya' okay?"

 "Withdrawals ... they hurt."

\------

 Claude climbed back into his car, the one window smashed. "Did you find what you were looking for?" Sebastian asked.  
"Yes I did." Claude replied, Ronald's engagement ring clenched tightly in his fist. "My family always believed in God. I used to too, until I grew older and began to ask why bad things happen to good people. My parents could never answer that. Do you know why?"

 "You know that I am also an atheist. What are you getting at?"

 "That if God - if heaven and hell did really exist, I will surely be burning in hellish flames in due course for my actions towards Ronald."

 "That is not true-."

 "It damn well is. I was the one that left him alone. I was the one to forget to give him his medication. He will surely pass tonight due to my actions."

 "Yes but I am sure that the regrets and thoughts running through your mind are punishment enough. If I remember correctly, you weren't the one to break up the relationship. He was the one to do that by calling off the wedding."

 Claude fisted his trousers with his free hand. "I should have known that it was just a result of his mood swings. That he would probably change his mind in a few hours."

 "And yet his words hurt you deeply."

 "I - no ... they -."

 "Yes they did."

 A sigh escaped Claude. "Maybe they cut me deeper than I dare ever admit." They were almost back at the hospital when Claude spoke again. "Life can be cruelly ironic."

 "You already stated that earlier."

 "Not just for you. Ronald and I argued before he was assaulted. I shouted at him a few days before his stroke and we argued earlier today. It seems as if whenever I treat him unkindly, life likes to amplify my regrets."

 "Maybe not. Maybe Ronald can just not survive without knowing that you love him."

\----

 "Do you wish me to come in with you?" Sebastian asked.

 "No ... there are some things that I wish to say to Ronald in private before he is lost to us."

 "Of course."

 Claude entered the room, sitting on a chair next to the bed and reaching to take Ronald's wrist into his hand gently. He kissed each knuckle, before sliding the ring back onto his finger.

 His voice cracked at the first syllable. "There is .... not much ... point in saying sorry now, is there? It ... is far to late to ever make it up to you. Yet, I know that it is all my fault. If I hadn't ... of gotten into a relationship with you in the first place, you'd be happy and healthy. But please just ... remember ... this, if nothing else. You were the ... best thing to ever happen to me. I will always ... love you."

\----  
***A few hours later.***

 Eric and Alan were in bed, the blonde having cleaned and bandaged his injured hand. They both couldn't sleep, waiting for a phone call to alert them of their loss.

 There was a knock at the door. "Come in." Eric said.

 Sascha opened it. "I am sorry to disturb you both. I ... cannot sleep."

 "Ya' worried 'bout Ronnie too?"

 Sascha nodded. "I feel bad. I should have phoned an ambulance straight away. I just didn't know where the phone was and I panicked. I ... I am very sorry."

 "It wasn't ya' fault. Wanna' sleep in here for tonight?"

 "If ... you do not have a problem with it."

 "It's fine." He shifted more to Alan's side of the bed. "Ya' don't wanna' sleep by Al though, he's a giant puddle."

 "Eric ... that's not ... funny." Alan groaned.

 The cover was pulled back and Eric said "ge' in." Sascha moved onto the bed and Eric wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer. "Bet ya' pretty shaken up from wha' happened."

 "I am. It was quite a first day living here. Is it ... always like this?"

 "Yeah." Alan said. "Bad things ... always happen."


	72. Death is a merciful release.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sleep deprived. Didn't go to sleep until ten am yesterday morning. It's almost three am now. Point out any typos plz.

 As ten 'am' came into view, there had been no phone call to alert Alan and Eric of Ronald's passing. Alan had spent most of that time in the bathroom being sick.

 Eric looked down at Sascha, who was snoring softly from his position against the larger man's side. "Well I'm glad tha' he could sleep."

 "Hmm ... I know." Alan replied.

 "How are ya' feelin'? Has tha' sickness gone?"

 "No ... I feel awful."

 At that moment, Sascha stirred slightly. "Hmm ... cinnamon pancakes ...", before falling back to sleep.

 Eric chuckled. "He must be hungry."

 "Go ... and make him some."

 "Pancakes? I don't know if we've even got any flour in tha' house."

 "Then ... go and look. He ... had a bad first ... day here so ... we should try to ... cheer him up."

 "Alright."

 Alan sat up and got out of bed, his whole body trembling. Once Eric had climbed out carefully to avoid waking Sascha, he lay back down.

 A while later, the bedroom door was pushed open and Eric came in with a tray in hand. Placing it on the bedside table, he shook Sascha's shoulder lightly. After a while, he opened his eyes. "Hmm. Morning so soon?"

 "Yeah mate. Brought ya' some breakfast up."

 "For me?"

 "Yeah, me and Al heard ya' talkin' in ya' sleep. Cinnamon pancakes?"

 Sascha's eyes lit up. "Oh ... thank you so much!" He sat up, a wide smile on his face and Eric moved the tray onto his lap, a plate of pancakes and glass of orange juice present. "That is very kind of you."

 "No probs."

\-----

***3.30pm. Still no phone call.***

 Alan's withdrawal symptoms had only gotten worse, diarrhea going along with his sickness. At present, he had his face buried in the sheets, body curled into a tight ball.

 Eric sat next to him on the bed. "Al, I'm worried 'bout ya'. Maybe we should ge' ya' ta' tha' hospital."

 "No ... I don't want to."

 "Why not?"

 Alan looked up at him, face shining with sweat. "Do you still ... wear that necklace?"

 "Yeah, all tha' time. Why?"

 "It says together forever. You ... you promised me that ... no matter what happened ... we would always be together."

 "Yeah ... that's true but I didn't mean like this. Not when ya' look really ill and could do wi' goin'."

 "No ... I don't want ... to be parted with you for ... even a moment. I've just ... got back home. Please ... don't make me leave again."

 "Okay ... but I think ya' need some help. We learnt at uni tha' methadone and stuff can help ya' ease -."

 "No! I ... I ... don't want to ... go onto anything else. I'd just ... have to withdraw from that too. I - for once in my life ... I want to be the strong one. The ... one that can overcome things. If Ronnie ... is still fighting to ... survive even after ... all he's been through ... then maybe, just maybe I can get through ... this too." Eric just stared at him. "You ... don't believe in me?"

 "I don't know, Al. You've said stuff like this in the past. Tha' ya' found a reason ta' ge' better and all tha' and it was all jus' talk."

 "So ... you don't believe me ... then?"

 Eric rubbed the back of his head. "I want to ... but no, I don't. I mean yeah ... you'll ge' off tha' Heroin because ya' don't know a dealer and ya' don't know where Claude's lives but then wha'? Maybe ... you'll fall back into other bad habits. Maybe you'll run off again and -."

 "Fuck you! I ... I'm try really hard and you're not ... even taking me seriously!"

 "I'm jus' bein' truthful."

 "Well so am I!"

 Eric shook his head. "No. Ya' already lied once since being here. I'm not as stupid as ya' think. I know tha' probably not everyone in Glasgow used protection on ya'. Ya' obviously don't want ta' ge' better if ya' won't go and ge' some pep meds."

 "No ... it's not that. I - they jus' make me ill."

 "So you'd rather ge' HIV?"

 "No."

 Eric sighed. "Arguing ... isn't gunna' help tha' situation." He scooped Alan into his arms and held him tightly against his chest. "If ya' really believe in ya'self ... then wha' right do I 'ave ta' crush tha' determination?"

 " ... Do you ... trust me?"

 "I'm not sure .... I want to trust you, I really do."

"I ... understand and you're right ... people didn't always ... use protection ... but the doctors probably wouldn't give me the ... pep drugs now anyway ... right?"

 "Been more than 72 hours?"

 "Yeah."

 "Okay ... but we'll have ta' take ya' ta' tha' clinic once ya' withdrawals 'ave stopped."

 Alan smiled softly. "Sure."

\-----

7.35pm

 "Ah ... shit." Alan's muscles ached beyond belief and running to the toilet at regular intervals wasn't helping. Neither was the fact that he felt absolutely freezing, even under the bedsheets and a thick blanket.

 The door opened and Eric came into the room, hot water bottle in one hand and anti diarrhea capsules in the other. "How are ya' feelin'?"

 "Agitated as ... fuck. My whole ... body just hurts. This ... is so hard."

 "Ya' sure ya' don't want ta' go ta'-."

 "I'm not going ... to the fucking ... hospital. Stop bugging me!" Alan let out a groan, before turning over onto his other side. "This ... is hell. I just ... want it to stop."

 "I know babe. I googled and ya' should start feelin' better after 48 ta' 72 hours."

 "Great ... another day and a half of this. Kill ... me now."

 "Na, can't do tha'." He sat on the bed and smiled down at Alan. "Ya' gotta' prove me wrong, remember?"

 "Yeah ... and when I do ... you're buying me pizza." 

 "Yeah. Ham and pineapple."

 "Forget about ... killing me. I'm going to kill you." A smile graced his lips. 

 "Yeah if ya' can catch me."

 "I'll ask Sash to ... do it."

 Eric was about to voice a comeback when his phone rang and instantly the smiles were wiped from the two men's faces. Eric inhaled sharply and pulled his phone out, accepting the call and putting it onto loud speaker so that Alan could hear.

 "Hello?"

 Claude's voice came from the other end. "Ronald is awake. His ... seizures haven't ... stopped but he's stabilised enough ... that they haven't ended in resuscitation."

 Eric frowned. There was clear panic in the other's voice. "What's ... wrong?"

 "He woke ... up from time ago. A few hours in fact."

 "Claude ... tell me what's going on."

 "He ... he's completely paralysed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes ... I never show Ronald mercy. Never ever. He's going to suffer.
> 
> Research:   
> Brain injury and paralysis.   
> Lack of oxygen and paralysis.


	73. Sedation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ronald's thoughts in bold italics. Because c.c loves Ronald feels ;)

***Claude's Pov***

 The call was ended then, Claude stating that he needed to be back at Ronald's side. He made his way back into the hospital and down the hallways to Ronald's room.

 Entering the room, he moved close to Ronald's bed so that the other man could see him. The breathing tube was still in place and so were the IV lines. "Please don't cry." He said softly, wiping the tears from Ronald's cheeks. They were soon replaced by more silent cascades. "Please ... Ronald. I - it pains me to see ... you like this. Please ... just stop crying."

 The tears didn't cease as Ronald blinked up at him. Claude took a seat next to the bed, moving to hold his hand softly. "I never thought ... that you'd survive ... so I didn't say it before. I didn't see much ... point but I am so sorry ... for ... what I said to you. I don't want you gone ... from my life. I've never wanted that and I know that you didn't mean what ... you said either. I'm sorry for over reacting."

**_But ... y' still love me, right? Even after I ... called the wedding off? Please say it because I'm so sorry too. I know ... I hurt your feelings too. It was the last thing on me mind before I woke up here._ **

 A member of staff came into the room then to sedate Ronald, so that the tube didn't cause him further discomfort.

_**No! Not ... yet! I need to hear him say it first!** _

\----

***Home***

 Eric stared at his phone for a moment. "Wha' ... tha' fuck!? As if he hadn't been through fuckin' enough already."

 "You should ... go and see him." Alan said.

 "No. I'm not leavin' ya' when ya' like this."

 "I'll ... be okay."

 "No ya'-."

 "Yes I will."

 "Ya' sure?"

 "Yeah and ... I know that ... you're pissed ... at Claude right now ... but he needs your support too."

 "Yeah ... okay. I'll go and ge' Sascha ta' look after ya' for a bit."

 "No ... it's fine."

 "Tough." He got off of the bed and left the room, finding Sascha downstairs in the kitchen. A ready meal was cooking in the microwave. "Which one did ya' pick this time?"

 Sascha turned around to face him. "Mac and cheese."

 "Hmm ... good choice. I'm goin' ta' tha' hospital for a bit. Can ya' keep an eye on Alan while I'm gone?"

 "Yes, of course."

 "Thanks."

 "Oh ... Eric?"

 "Yeah?" 

"Thank you for the pancakes this morning. It made me very happy."

"Already told ya', don't mention it."

 "Yes you did say but I - no one in Scotland has ever been so nice to me."

 "Yeah well ya' part of tha' family." He smiled. "Ge' used ta' it."

 "Yes ... I suppose you are right. How is Ronald?"

 "He's awake now."

 "That's great! He will be home soon!"

 Eric sighed and then spoke. "No. He won't be gettin' out anytime soon."

\-----

 On reaching the hospital, he walked to Ronald's room. He entered the room and walked over to the bed. "I thought ya' said tha' he'd woken up?"

 "He had. They gave him something a while back to sedate him and make him more comfortable."

 "Oh okay. Do ... they know why he can't move?"

 "They are still running tests. Have you come to punch me some more?"

 "No. What's tha' point? I've made my fair amount of mistakes wi' Al too. It's gunna' be hard enough for ya' ta' deal wi' wha' ya' 'ave done wi'out me knockin' seven shades of shit out of ya'."

 "Yes and deal with it I will have to."

 "Is Sebastian still here?"

 "No. He went home. I told him to take my car to save him having to get a taxi. Is Alan settling back in nicely?"

 "Yeah he's ... alright."

 "Even with his withdrawals?

 "How did ya' know -."

 "I've taken it before and I've seen a fair few addicts around my drug dealer's house, when they come rushing back after trying to go cold turkey. I know the signs."

 "Oh okay. He's strugglin' wi' them right now but he'll be alright."

 "Good."

 "If Ronnie's knocked out ya' should go home and sleep."

 "Even if I went home, I doubt sleep would come to me. I'm staying here. At least until the staff here tell me otherwise."

 "Then I'm stayin' too."  
\----

 Eric finally drove back home around 10pm. On entering the bedroom, he found Sascha and Alan asleep and was glad that Alan was finally getting some rest. He got changed and slid in next to Sascha. He also managed to get some sleep that night.

\----

 The next day, Alan was feeling a tad better, though he was still being sick. "Eric ... can you go and get me some tablets to stop me ... throwing up?"

 "Can't babe, sorry. They took Motilium off of tha' market. Was causin' people ta' 'ave heart attacks."

 "Oh okay. Wait ... why aren't you at uni?"

 "Being at ya' side through this is more important. Missin' a day won't hurt."

 "But ... you'll fall behind."

 "I'm already behind babe.".

\-----

The doctors had alerted Claude of the reason for Ronald's condition. The lack of oxygen had cause severe damage to both his brain and brain stem, which already had scar tissue from his stroke. His diaphragm muscle was also affected by the paralysis and he'd probably now be on supported breathing for the rest of his life.

 Ronald was in and out of consciousness, his eye lids opening for a few seconds before slipping shut again. Claude had had a moment of hope when Ronald had squeezed his hand slightly but the staff had stated that it was due to muscle spasms, not controlled movements.

 It was clear that if Ronald did indeed pull through the first few days, he'd been in the hospital for many months.


	74. It is just so wrong and so very scary.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's have some Sascha feels!

 Later that day, Eric came into the kitchen, to find Sascha crying into his arms on the kitchen table. "Sash, what's tha' matter?"

 He looked up, eyed red and puffy. "I went to the sex clinic earlier."

 "Oh. Did ya' catch somethin'?"

 "A baby, yes."

 "Wha'?"

 "I'm pregnant. They made me ... do a pregnancy test as routine and I am pregnant."

 "But-."

 "You do not understand? I am what they would call here a transgender male."

 "Ah, okay."

 "You judge me for it?"

 Eric sat at the table next to him. "Of course not. Tha' way I see it, trans men are men and trans women are women. No judgement here."

 "Thank you. I just cannot believe ... this is happening. No symptoms and I ... am even on the pill. And ... Alan told you of what I had to do in Glasgow?"

 "Yeah ... he did tell me 'bout me. Like I said though, no judgement."

 "I was ... raped a few months ago. Normally ... I double up with a condom too because I have always been afraid of pregnancy. So afriad. Now ... my worst nightmare has come true."

 "I'm sorry, Sash. You don't have ta' go through wi' it though ... I mean, there are things ya' can do."

 "A termination? No ... I cannot. I ... was abandoned here in Scotland. They ... would class me as an illegal immigrant. If I went to have that done ... I'd just end up being deported." A chocked sob left him. "I am ... trapped like this and it's so scary."

 Eric moved his hand to hold Sascha's in his own. "We will be here ta' support ya', I promise."

 "You are not understanding me. I ... can't deal with this. It's not right. I am ... a man and this ... isn't right. It's messing my head up so badly. Having to give birth to my rapist's child. I can't even deal with thinking of that."

 "Sash-."

 "I just can't deal with it. I ... would rather be dead than have to ... be pregnant. It's ... just so awful." Eric pulled him into a sideways hug, letting him cry for the next hour.

\----

***Later that day.***

 Once Eric had explained to Alan what had happened with Sascha, he said. "I wish there was somethin' we could do ta' for him."

 "Like what ... though? Even if he has the baby ... people will find out that he's not a UK resident and deport ... him."

 "Maybe we can appeal for him ta' stay or somethin'. I mean I think tha' Angelina's mom is a lawyer. Maybe she can give us some advice."

 "That's a good idea. I should ... probably be able to get ... out of bed by tomorow. We'll go to ... Luna's then."

 "Awesome."

 "I feel so bad for him. Being pregnant - well I can ... imagine that it's tearing him apart."

 "Yeah, he was pretty torn up over it."

\-----

 The next evening, Sascha came downstairs as Luna and Angelina were popping over for a visit. "Oh, who's the new friend?" Luna asked Alan.

"This is Sascha. A new member of the family."

 "Aww cool." She turned to Sascha. "How about us three girls go out for a drink?"

 "He's a boy." Alan said.

 "Are you blind?" Angelina asked. "She is obviously a girl, just look at her. A real cutie too."

 A loud sob was heard, before Sascha ran upstairs. The bedroom door slamming was a sign of his upset.

 "He's transgender." Eric stated.

 Luna looked at him and Alan. "Shit."

\----

 Alan walked up to Sascha's room and knocked on the door. "Go away!"

 "Sash, it's just ... me. Can I come in?"

 "O ... okay then."

 He walked in and found Sascha curled into a ball on the bed. "I'm sorry about ... that."

 "That was so mean of them. Not only am I pregnant, I don't even pass ... as a man. Everyone sees straight through my clothes and everything."

 "No. Me and Eric knew that you were a boy. It doesn't ... matter what is down there."

 "No one ... will be fooled when I have a bump. I wish Rudgar was here. He'd ... know what to do to make everything right. He was older than me and very wise. He is such a sweet man."

 "How old was he?"

 "When I was fifteen he was twenty. It ... wasn't pervy at all though. He didn't make me do anything ...like that. Just kisses and cuddles. He was so kind to me. He wanted to be a doctor. We were going to move in together ... in a different country. Get married and have a dog. Maybe in the UK. His mother was Scottish. But ... now, look at what has happened. I wish I could just die."

 "Don't say that. Angelina's mom's a lawyer. We are going to ... try to help you to get a visa or something so you can stay."

 Sascha sat up. "Do you think ... it will work?"

 "Well we can try."

\------

 Back downstairs, Eric had just explained the situation to Angelina, who was feeling quite guilty for upsetting Sascha. Alan had told him all the details of his abandonment, which had been passed along. "So do you think ya' mom can help him?"

 "Well I'll phone and ask her. She's due a visit up here in a few days anyway."

 "Great, thanks."

 "And will you tell Sascha that I am sorry for upsetting him?"

 "Yeah ... sure."

 At that moment, there was a knock at the door. Eric moved to open it, to see Betty and Darren standing there. "Hey mate, just came to visit Ron for a wee bit."

 "He's in tha' hospital."

 "Oh, is the lad okay?"

 "No. He almost died. I'll drive ya' ta' tha' hospital if ya' want."

 "Ay. Please."

 Eric headed upstairs to tell Alan. Entering Sascha's room, he said. "Angelina is gunna' see wha' she can do."

 Sascha smiled slightly. "Thank you very much."

\-----

 Alan had decided to go with them, his symptoms having whittled to just muscle aches and the occasional nausea. He was still sweating quite badly however. Luna and Angelina stayed at the house for when they returned. Sascha came too and once at the hospital, the five of them got out of the car.

 As soon as Alan entered the room and saw Ronald, he began to cry and quickly left. Eric followed him out. "This ... is just too awful."

 "I know, babe." Eric replied.

 "I feel so bad for him."

 "Don't tell me tha' ya' blamin' ya'self again?"

 "No ... I still blame myself for Ronald being hurt in the ... first place but this time, it was Claude's doing."

 "So ya' mad at him?"

 "No ... he made a mistake." He paused to think for a second. "I need to ... stop being angry at myself too. Hating myself ... won't help Ronnie. I need to be strong like him and try to get better. I have to fight ... just like him."


	75. Seid ihr das Essen? Nein, wir sind der Jäeger!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a filler chap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone hasn't seen Attack on Titan, Eren Jaeger is the main character who wants to kill all the titans.

 Two days later, just as Eric had come home from university, there was a knock at the door. He opened it and saw Angelina and an older women standing there. She had curly ginger hair and hazel eyes. "Hello, I'm Angelina's mother, Carol. Nice to meet you."

 Eric let them both in and asked them if they wanted a cup of tea. Half way through her cup, Carol said "Angelina has told me about your friend's problem. Though immigration is not my area of expertise, I think I should be able to help him. I'd just like to get the full details from him first."

 "Yeah, sure. I'll go get him." After getting Sascha to come downstairs, he headed for his own bedroom. Pushing the door open, he spotted Alan sitting up in bed. "Still feelin' icky?"

 "A little. I think ... the lack of sleep has just caught up with me."

 "Alright. It's Valentine's day in a couple of days. Wanna' go out for it? We need ta' celebrate our engagement."

 Alan looked down. "I don't ... really feel like going on a date or ... celebrating right now. Not with everything ... that is happening with our friends."

 "Yeah I know tha' but we can't let it stop us from livin' life."

 "Eric ... I don't want to celebrate, okay?

 The blonde sighed. "Okay. Another time then."

 "Yeah ... of course."

\----

 Down the hallway, Sascha had just finished explaining how he had gotten to the UK and what had happened during his time there. Carol smiled at him. "I think you have a case."

 Eyeing his hands, Sascha said. "But I haven't the money to pay for a lawyer and court is so scary."

 "Don't be silly, you won't have to go to court unless they try to deport you. I'll set up a meeting at homeland security for you."

 "Oh ... thank you. Do you think they will allow me to stay?"

 "Yes, I'm pretty sure. I'll come with you if you want."

 "I would like that ... please."

\-----

 It had now been a little over a week since Alan had returned home, a monday and his psychical withdrawals had now passed. Alan and Eric were sitting down having dinner. Eric glanced over to see that Alan had barely eaten anything. "Still havin' trouble wi' food?"

 "Yeah ... even though ... I want to get better, I'm just not ... used to food. I didn't ... eat much in Glasgow or since I've been back."

 "Do ya' wanna' go back ta' tha' doctors and see if ya' can ge' some more Fortisip?"

 Alan smiled slightly. "That's a good ... idea. You ... should have some too. With how much ... weight you've lost."

 "Fuck tha' shit. Tastes like dog sick."

 Alan giggled. "It doesn't. It's ... just very sweet."

\-----

 The next day, Eric phoned the doctors and got an appointment for the next day. Sascha came home around 5pm with Carol, a wide smile on his face. "They are letting me stay!"

 Eric turned to face him. "Awesome! Wha' else did they say?"

 "I am allowed temporary stay for five years and then-." He gasped, pressing a hand to the bottom of his stomach."

 Alan was over to him quickly. "Are you ... okay? Is it ... the baby?"

 "No ... I am fine."

 "You ... should sit down." He helped Sascha over to a chair in the living room.

 Looking up, Sascha spoke to Carol. "Thank ... you again for all you have done to help me."

 Carol smiled at him. "It's fine. If you need me in five years, just ask. Are you feeling okay?"

 "Yes, I am fine."

 "Okay. I'll see myself out."

 Once she had left the house, Alan said. "Are you ... sure that you're okay?"

 "Yes ... I am fine. Can I speak with you alone?"

 "Sure."

 Sascha moved to stand up by Eric said "I'll go. Ya' should stay sittin' down." He quickly left the room.

 "So what ... do you want to talk to me about?"

 "A ... termination. I don't think ... I can go through with having a baby. Does that make ... me a bad person?"

 "No, it doesn't. I mean ... you were raped and stuff. It's not ... like you even had a choice in having a baby."

 "Yes ... I ... think once my paperwork comes through I will go see a gp about this. But still ... it makes me feel guilty. This is not the baby's fault."

 "Yeah I know but you have to ... think about what's best for you. Erm ... not that I'm saying you should ... or anything. Just ... do what you think is best."

 "I will ... have to have a good think. I am still a little in shock I think."

 "We'll be here for you ... no matter what you decide."

 "Thank you."

\-----

 The next day, Eric took Alan to the doctor for half five. "I'm pretty sure tha' he's a new Dr. Never heard of him before." Eric said, as they sat in the waiting room.

 "Yeah. I think the name might be ... German."

 "Jäeger? Wha' makes ya' think tha'?"

 "Well the main character ... from Attack On Titan had that last name and he was German."

 "That crazy Eren kid?"

 "Yup."

 Eric smirked, moving to tickle Alan's sides. "I'm going to kill all my patients. Kill them all!"

 Alan spoke between laughs. "Eric ... stop, people are staring. Oh ... God ... stop it! It ... tickles.".

 Eric put his hands back in his lap. "Fine."

 "And that's ... the worst attempt at a German accent ... that I've ever heard."

 "Hey ... I tried my best."

 They were soon called into a room, with a new plague on the door stating 'R. Jäeger.' A tall, thin doctor with black hair and black rimmed glasses smiled at them as they walked in. "Hello, I am doctor Jaeger. Please take a seat and tell me how I can help you today."

 Once taking their seats, Eric explained the situation and then added, "he had some Fortisip prescribed a while ago. We were hopin' Al could ge' some more."

 The doctor looked at his computer. "Ah ... but of course. He had them a few years ago according to this. I see no problem with that."

 Eric smiled at him. "Thanks Doc."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't really get much info on immigration procedures other than who deals with them.


	76. Tracheostomy.

The following day, Claude came home around 10pm. Ronald had been visited by all of his friends, including all of the boys he had played football with almost two years ago. Eric and Alan were downstairs, the blonde being bored at watching Blue Exorcist for the seventh time now. He looked up as Claude entered the living room. "Hey, how's it goin'?"

 "Fine. Ronald is the same as when you left him three hours ago. Part of me is glad to be going back to work Monday."

 "Ya' wha'? Goin' back ta' work when Ronnie's still in tha' hospital?"

 "I am of no use there. The staff are the ones looking after him and I very much doubt he will be discharged anytime soon. Plus my doctor's note is up the end of the week and I haven't had chance to renew it."

 "But-."

 "But nothing. Don't try to guilt me more than I already am. We need the money, don't we?"

 "Yeah ... we do."

 "Then do not argue with me on this. Oh and I should inform you that Ronald is going in for surgery in two day's time."

 "Why?! Wha' surgery?"

 "A tracheostomy. The doctors have deemed it a necessity."

 "Holy shit."

 "I am going to bed."

 Once Claude had left the room, Alan turned to Eric. "What ... is that?"

 Eric gulped, before explaining.

\-----

 Saturday was almost at an end when Claude was permitted to see Ronald. A tracheostomy tube had been inserted during the surgery. It is commonly done when two weeks of Endotracheal intubation has ended, as a tube inserted through the mouth can cause damage to the trachea and is also uncomfortable. As such, Ronald had been in and out of conscious from sedatives for those past few weeks.

 This new tube had been placed directed into an incision in the neck and had a small balloon on the inside to make sure that all the oxygen entered the lungs, none escaping. This cuff would be deflated using a pilot tube outside of the body, which would be done when tube changes would be needed.

 The tube was currently connected to a ventilator and Ronald was asleep. Claude walked up to him, taking his hand in his and running his thumb over Ronald's engagement ring. He took in Ronald's appearance and gulped. "My poor angel ... whatever have they done to you."

\-----

 The next day, Ronald had woken up in the morning and Claude had yet to come and visit, having instead gone to Sebastian's. He was currently about to park up in the car park.

 The doctor entered the room and explained what had happened to Ronald up until this point, including yesterday's surgery. **_No ... I'll probably never move again? Screw you! I'll prove y' wrong! Just like last time._** His eyes darted around the room. **_Where's Claude? Why isn't he here yet? Don't tell me ... that he's abandoned me! Not after what ... he said before._**

 A few pained tears slipped from his eyes and the Dr spoke again. "I know that it is upsetting news but we will try our best to make your stay here as comfortable as possible." _**Y' just don't fucking understand. I need him .... Where is he.**_

 At that moment, Claude came into the room. "Oh ... Mr Faustus, I was just telling Ronald about his condition."

 Claude walked up to the bed and wiped away the tears, saying "yes and by the looks of it you have upset him greatly." His hand moved to sooth Ronald's hair. "Now that is he awake, how long before I can return him home?"

 "I'm afriad that it will be a few months before we can even consider that." _**Why the hell!? If you don't think y' can help me, why keep me here?! I want to go home and see Eric and Al and the new kid. I want to be with my family!**_

 Ronald only cried more tears when the Dr had left the room and Claude had explained that he was returning to work tomorow. _**N** ** _o_ ... I don't want to be all on my own! Your company is the only thing that is keeping me going!**_

\-----

 Alan and Eric were upstairs that night, when Alan said. "I was scared to ask ... before because of the answer but ... where is Titan? You didn't ... give him away, did you?"

 "Na. He's at Sebastian's. Wi' ya' gone, we couldn't give him tha' attention he needed, havin' ta' look after Ronnie and eveythin'."

 "Oh ... but he hates dogs?"

 "He did it as a favor. Plus Adrian loves them."

 "Adrian ...."

\----

 On the Thursday of next week, Sascha told Eric and Alan that his papers had come through. "I am going to ... see a doctor as soon as possible. I looked on my phone and I can go through a gp for referral."

 "Register at ours. Me and Al met a really nice doctor there."

 "Okay, I will do that."

\-----

 Later that day, Eric had gone to see Ronald and Alan was in the kitchen when Sascha came home. "So I have registered and have an appointment for tomorow. I ... am still having second thoughts but ... I really cannot deal with a whole nine months of this."

 "Yeah ... I understand. Which gp did ... you get?"

 "Dr Jäeger. It is strange. Rudgar's surname was that. It is just wishful thinking though. Plus ... it would be so awkward to explain my current situation to him. He knew that I never wanted children."

 "If it was ... what would you ... say to him?"

 "That I still love him very much."

\-----

 Eric had been upset that night at seeing Ronald with that new tube in. It was devastating. As Sascha came downstairs the next morning, Alan asked "do you ... want me to come with you?"

 "No, no. I will be fine but thank you very much for asking."

 He arrived at the surgery not long before his appointment. Being called into the room, the doctor spoke. "Hello. My name is Dr Jäeger." He looked up from his notes then and his language turned to German. "Sascha, oh my God! It really is you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know the last bit isn't in German but I didn't find the need to translate it.  
> Research:  
> Abortion referrals.  
> Tracheostomy reasons and procedure. May want to Google it to know exactly which tube I mean.


	77. Referrals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vincent was Sebastian's first love, not Ciel's parents in this.
> 
> Rudgar and Sascha's convo would be in German but I didn't put the German translation in.

 Sascha stared for a moment, before smiling. "You know my name. It obviously was me."

 "Sascha Krüger is a common name." To Sascha's surprise, he didn't get up to hug him, instead saying "please take a seat."

 "Oh, okay." Sascha sat down.

 "How can I help you? Not feeling well?"

 "Umm ... no. This is a little awkward but I came for referral for a termination."

 "You are pregnant? I didn't think you'd-."

 "If you must know, it ... is a rape baby." Sascha look down at his hands, twiddling his thumbs.

 "What?! If you know where he lives I'll fucking kill the bastard!" He scowled, all professionalism blown out the window.

 "No ... I have no idea."

 "I am sorry that that happened to you. Are ... you sure that you wish to go ahead with the abortion?"

 "Yes ... I am sure."

 "Okay. I'll refer you. It may take a couple of weeks but you'll have a letter come through for your appointment at the clinic."

 "Thank you. So ... where is my hello kiss?"

 "I can't give you one, sorry."

 "Why not? Because I'm in this state, you are disgusted by me?"

 "I'm married."

 "W ... what?" Sascha's head shot up to look him in the eyes. "But ... you said ... that you would always love me." Tears began to well up in his eyes.

 "You just vanished. I thought that you were dead. I had to move on, dwelling in the past was not an option."

 "But ... I still love you." The tears began to fall.

 "I am sorry."

 "No! You are not sorry!" He stood up and raced to the door. "Fuck you!"

 The door slammed behind him, Sascha rushing out of the surgery. Rudgar was left to stare at the door. _Just because I said I was married doesn't mean that I am happy with this women. I still love you very much._

\-----

 Sascha came home to Alan waiting for him in the living room. "How did it - what's ... wrong?"

 Sascha let out a sob and shook his head. "It ... was Rudgar. He ... is married. He doesn't ... care about me anymore."

 "Oh ... I'm so sorry."

 "I feel ... like I have nothing ... left to live for now." He sat next to Alan on the sofa.

 "You ... do. You'll ... find someone else who will make ... you happy. Who will treat you ... better than him."

 "Don't be an idiot. You ... should understand. You cannot ... live without Eric either. The state that you were in in Glasgow because he ... dumped you. I feel exactly the same with Rudgar."

 "Oh, okay ... yeah, of course I understand." Sascha hissed then, bending forward in pain. "Sash? What's ... the matter?"

 "It ... is nothing. Just ... a cramp."

 "Are you sure? It might be ... the baby. Maybe we should ... go to the hospital."

 "No ... it is probably just the stress from today. Anyway, this will all be over ... in a few weeks. Then I will have to live just with a broken heart.

\-----

 That night, Eric came home from the hospital, Titan following behind him. "Picked him up from Sebastian's on tha' way back for ya'."

 Alan smiled. "Thank you ... Eric."

 "How are ya' feelin'?"

 "Better ... I still keep getting cravings but I feel much better. Fortisip was yummy ... as always."

 "Good. Tha' cravings will pass wi' time."

 "They will." He got up from the sofa to pet Titan. "I feel better mentally ... too. I think I should start commissions again. Get ... back into a routine. I just ... hope that I will still have work after ... being away for so long."

 "That's a great idea, babe. Oh ... that reminds me, I messaged tha' people on ya' profile again and told them tha' ya' would be away for a while. They were fine wi' it."

 "Really? ... Thank you, Eric."

 "Welcome."

\----

 The following Monday, Claude had just left work when his mobile rang. Putting his phone out, he saw that it was a call from Sebastian and answered it. "Hello Sebastian."

 "Hello." Sebastian's voice sounded hoarse on the other end.

 "What is the matter?"

 "Adrian went into surgery ... an hour ago. I didn't even know he was going in until last night. I'm so ... worried."

 "Do you wish for me to come and wait with you in the hospital?"

 "I ... am not in the hospital. Adrian told me to stay at home. He knows the ... awful memories being there would bring back."

 "Then do you wish for me to visit you at home?"

 "No ... you should go and see Ronald."

 "After all that you have done for me I think that I can spare an hour."

 "Are ... you quite sure?"

 "Positive."

\----

 Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door. After a few moments, a red eyed Sebastian opened it. "Good evening, Claude."

 "Evening." He was allowed into the house and the door shut behind him.

 "Can I get you ... anything. Tea or ... something to eat?"

 "No, I am fine but thank you for the offer." They both moved into the living room and sat down.

 "I am just ... so scared of losing him."

 "Yes ... I understand. He will pull through ... this though."

 "The surgery maybe but ... so did Vincent. He passed away later on. I fear that it will happen again."

 "You can't think like that, it will drive you insane."

 "I know but ... you felt the same way with Ronald."

 Claude sighed. "Optimism is not my strong point."

 "So how was ... Ronald over the weekend?"

 "Upset. I think that he wants to just come home. The doctors will not allow it yet, with him still unable to move."

 "At least he is ... alive. That is one good thing."

 "Yes but like you with Adrian, I also fear that ... I will lose him soon. That he is just one seizure away from death and that terrifies me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rudgar is bisexual.


	78. Say you love me. But you must hate me.

 The following day, a Tuesday, Sebastian went to visit Adrian. Walking into the room, he moved over to the bed. Adrian smiled at him as Sebastian held his hand, before his brow furrowed. "Has your hair always been that colour?"

 "Yes it has."

 Adrian laughed. "I'm being a tad forgetful."

 "Yes." _Just like Vincent ...._

 "I'll be back to normal soon though, don't worry Bassy. I love you."

 "I love you also, very much."

\-----

 Eric came home around 7pm, after going to the hospital. Alan was upstairs, a manga in hand. "Hey babe. Brought some chocolate cake home, ya' want any?"

 "Umm ... just a little slice." Alan replied.

 "Alright." Eric went to head back downstairs but Alan called him name. "Yeah?"

 "Erm ... can I have a back massage before you go down? I have ... back ache."

 "Sure." He moved over to the bed, bending down to press his lips to Alan's. Pulling away, he asked. "How did the gum clinic go?"

 "I ... haven't caught anything and the HIV test came back negative but it ... hasn't been a month yet. I'll go back in a couple ... of weeks."

 "Ah, okay ... good."

\-----

 On the Friday, Sascha came home. The doctors surgery had rang him for a gynecologist appointment. He plonked himself down on the sofa next to Alan, who was looking at his profile on his laptop. He saw the expression of horror on Sascha's face. "What ... happened?"

 "I ... am three and a half months ... gone already. I didn't think it ... had been that long ago that it happened. I suppose ... back then all those awful nights just blurred together. I am in such shock."

 "But ... you're not even ... showing."

 "I know. Neither did ... my mother really when she had my brother. Not until months seven, her bump was so tiny." He shuddered. "That appointment was awful. I hated it enough when it was at the ... sex clinic. Being messed with down there ... yuk. The only person I would want ... to touch me there ... is Rudgar. Of course ... that will never happen."

 "Try ... not to think about him."

 "I know, I am trying to push him to the back of my mind. They even did a scan. I ... saw the baby."

 "How do you ... feel about that?"

 "Makes ... me feel sick to my stomach. I just want it to all be over."

 Alan rubbed his back. "It ... will be soon."

\-----

 Just over a week later, Alan and Sascha went to the gum clinic together to get the HIV test done. Sascha had been taking pep drugs suitable for people who were pregnant. Thankfully, they were both negative.

\-----

 That evening, Claude was in the room with Ronald, Grell and William having just left. Ronald's muscle spasms had started again, as had his seizures, though they hadn't caused his heart to stop. No controlled movements had returned to him.

 Claude and the hospital staff had established a form of communication with the blonde. One blink for yes, two for no. "Would you like some music on?" One blink. Claude picked Ronald's ipod up from the bedside table. "Should I just put it on shuffle?" One blink. The play list was clicked on and the device placed at the side of Ronald's pillow. Pushing the earphone into Ronald's ear gently, he did the same to himself. The Attack On Titan theme song blasted into his ear. "Not this bloody song again." He joked.

 Lifting his hand, he soothed Ronald's hair. "Just a few more months and you will be home." **_Yeah. Y' ... still haven't told me that y' love me though. Why is that? Don't y' anymore? I still love y'. I'd get hurt over and over again for y' but obviously those three little words are too much effort for y' to say. No ... I feel all funny. Shit, not again._**

 Ronald began to seize for the third time that day and Claude quickly pulled the ipod away, so that he wouldn't get tangled up in the wire. Claude's gaze moved to the floor. _It is so painful to see you like this. You must hate me for all that I have put you through._

\----

 Two weeks later, Sascha returned home. He had gone to the abortion clinic, having had his appointment a few days before. They had talked him through the procedure and told him that two doctors had agreed to sign the papers for his abortion. One of those doctors had been Dr Jäeger.

 Alan came downstairs after having heard the door open. "How did-."

 "I couldn't ... go through with it. As much as I don't want to have a child ... I just couldn't abort it. Give it a chance for a good life, no?"

 "Yeah. I mean ... if that's what you want to do."

 "I don't even know myself. I am still ... so scared and confused. Maybe - argh." Sascha braced himself against the back of the sofa.

 "Sash? What ... is it? Cramps again?"

 "Y ... yes."

 He gasped and Alan eyed him with concern. "You've been ... getting them a lot lately. We should take you to the ... hospital, incase something is wrong."

 "No, no. I will be fine. It ... must just be stress. Can ... you just help me ... up to the bedroom? I ... am so tired."

 "Are you sure?"

 "Yes ... yes. I am fine."

\------

 Two hours later, Sascha was still cramping badly, his back also aching. Feeling something wet on the inside of his boxers, he got up to use the bathroom. Pulling his jeans and boxers down, he saw a large amount of blood soaking into the material.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research.   
> Bleeding and pain in second trimester.


	79. A surprise visit.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mainly Sascha focused.

 Eric had taken Sascha to the hospital, once he had told Alan what had happened. The bleed was found to have been caused by a subchorionic hemorrhage, also known as a blood clot, which is when blood gathers between the uterus and placenta.This can develop during the first and start of the second trimester and can be with or without abdominal pain.

 It had been diagnosed during a scan at the hospital, where they found the baby to be healthy. Sascha had also found out that he was having a boy. The doctor had told him to stay on bed rest for a week and to be careful for the rest of the pregnancy, avoiding strenuous exercise and heavy lifting. It was hoped that the clot would absorb back into the body shortly. He would have to go for another scan in two weeks to check up on the issue. 

 Sascha wasn't pleased about being stuck in bed for a week, complaining that he would be so bored. On the second day, Eric found him in the kitchen, heating up a ready meal and making himself a cup of tea. "Sash, wha' are ya' doin? Ya' supposed ta' be in bed."

 Sascha pouted at him. "I am bored out of my mind and also hungry."

 "Well I'll bring ya' food up. Go and lie down." He grabbed onto Sascha's shoulders and gently steered him towards the door.

 "But I don't want to."

 "Don't make me tie ya' ta' tha' bed."

 Sascha giggled. "You would try to take advantage of me in this condition?"

 Eric choked on a laugh, before replying. "No. Dirty bastard. I like my men short but not that short."

 "You cheeky bastard!" He joked.

 "Stop tryin' ta' distract me. Ya' goin' back ta' bed, end of."

 "But I don't wanna'!"

 "It's only for a week. You'll be up and at 'em in no time."

 "Fine." He huffed.  

\----

 The next day, a Sunday, Eric brought Sascha up some breakfast. Cinnamon pancakes again. "Thank you, Eric."

 "Ya' welcome. How are ya' feelin'?"

 "The cramps have gone."

 "Good. Sash ... if ya' ge' bad cramps like tha' again, don't jus' brush it off. It could 'ave been somethin' really serious."

 "I know." He looked away. "But ... I would rather just bury my head in the sand. Pretend that this isn't happening."

 Eric sat on the bed. "You'll ge' through it, promise."

 "I suppose so."

\----

 It was now the 6th day of bed rest for Sascha and Eric had brought him a tablet with his savings on the third day, so that he wouldn't feel as fed up. Alan came upstairs to find Sascha curled up in bed. "Are you ... okay?"

 Sascha moved to sit up in bed. "I am fine. I just haven't been sleeping much this week."

 "Something keeping ... you awake?"

 "You know what it is that is on my mind."

 "Rudgar or the baby?"

 "Both."

 "Well if you can't sleep ... you can always come into our room. We used to do that a lot with Ronnie ... when he first came home. He couldn't sleep either and Claude was exhausted ... so we slept in this room."

 "Did it help him to sleep?"

 "After a while ... yeah."

 "Thank you for the offer."

\-----

 Alan was in his room a few hours later, when Eric came in. "Eric ... can I talk to you ... about something?"

 "Sure." He shifted to sit next to him.

 "I ... well the cravings ... are really getting to me."

 "Yeah, I bet. Wanna' go out and take ya' mind off of it?"

 "Yeah ... okay. Can we go to the bookstore or the park or something?"

 "Yeah, of course."

\-----

 A few nights later, there was a knock at the door of the couple's bedroom. Eric got out of bed to answer it and saw Sascha standing there. "I ... cannot sleep."

 Alan sat up, still half asleep. "Hmm get it ... yeah." He mumbled incoherently.

 "Yeah, come in." Eric said.

 "Thank you. Is it ... not weird, is it?"

 "Na. We always end up wi' someone else in our bed."

 Sascha giggled. "But not in a kinky way, of course."

 "Na. Claude's into tha' sort of thing, not us."

 Sascha fell to sleep quickly that night.

\-----

 Sascha was now four and a half months pregnant and had gone for another scan the previous day. The clot was still showing up but he hadn't had anymore bleeding or cramps.

 Around 8pm that night, there was a knock on the door. Eric got up from the sofa to answer it and frowned. "Dr Jäeger, wha' are ya' doin' here?"


	80. Ich liebe dich

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Sascha and Rudgar talk it would be in German.  
> When Alan/Eric are in the same room, they'd speak in English.

 "Dr Jäeger, wha' are ya' doin' here?"

 "I came to speak to Sascha."

 Eric frowned. Alan had told him about what he had said to Sascha. "Why? Come ta' upset him again?"

 "No ... I-."

 At that moment, Sascha walked down the hallway, peeking from behind Eric. He'd heard most of the conversation from the living room. "Then why are you here, Rudgar?"

 "I need to speak with you alone."

 "Fine. Eric, do you mind?"

 "Ya' sure?"

 "Yes ... I will be fine."

 "Alright."

 Eric left the hallway, grabbing Alan's hand and dragging him upstairs. "Let's give them a bit of privacy, okay?"

 "Okay."

\----

 Back in the hallway, Sascha spoke again. "So what do you want?"

 "I ... I'm getting divorced."

 Sascha crossed his arms over his chest. "Oh, so you've been dumped and I'm your second option. How kind of you." He said sarcastically.

 "Sascha-."

 "Well I do not want to know, so screw yourself."

 "I am the one who called for the divorce."

 "What? Why?"

 "Because I wasn't happy. It was obvious that she just married me for my income."

 Sascha huffed. "Then why did you marry her?"

 "Because ... I was lonely but I'd never love anyone like I love you. After you came to the surgery, I went home that night and told her I wanted a divorce."

 "Then why didn't you say something then? That was a month ago!"

 "I have only just produced the divorce papers and moved out of the house. I wanted to make sure that everything was sorted out before I came here."

 "So she signed the papers?"

 "She did."

 "Okay."

 "Is all you can say?"

 "What do you expect?! You broke my heart, you arsehole!"

 "So you don't love me anymore?"

 His eyes shifted to look at the floor. "I ... do."

 Rudgar cupped his fingers under his chin, nudging his head up. "And I love you." His lips pressed against Sascha's and the smaller man melted into the kiss.

 As their lips parted, Sascha giggled. "I am still mad at you, you know."

 Rudgar's expression softened. "I know, you are still as fiesty as ever. Can ... we give it another go?"

 "We ... can."

 "I am glad, thank you. How have you been, how did the appointment -?"

 "I couldn't go through with it."

 "Oh. You're still preg-."  
"I hate that word! But yes ... I still have the baby"

 "Ah. How far along are you?"

 "Four and a half months and before you say anything, I know that I'm not showing yet. I am having a boy. Do you ... still want to be with me?"

 "Yes, of course I do." At that moment, Sascha's stomach rumbled. "Hungry?"

 "Yes."

 "Do you still like cinnamon pancakes? I could make you some if you'd like."

 "I do but your cooking is terrible. I will ask Eric to make me some later."

 "So you live with the blonde man and his friend?"

 "Alan is his partner. There are also two other men living here but one of them is very poorly. He is in the hospital."

 "Oh ... okay. I hope that he gets better soon. It sure is strange being in the same house as my patients."

 "I'm sure that Eric feels the same. Do you have somewhere else to live now?"

 "Yeah. I'm renting a flat."

 "Oh. Do you want to stay here for the night though? ... Please."

 "Of course I will." He moved to pull Sascha into a hug. "I've missed you so much."

 -----

***Ronald's Pov***

 The next day, Eric and Claude were in Ronald's hospital room.

***Flash back***

 "It's ya' fault for lettin' tha' tart seduce ya'. But won't worry, soon you'll see wha' a slag he is."

 "Now. Let's see jus' how much of a whore you are. You smell cheap, with that tarty aftershave you are wearing."

 "See Claude, he's a cheap tart. Ya' really don't want ta' be stuck wi' filth like that."

 "Look at his finger, Soldier. Seems like this tart seduced him into marriage."

 Baldroy was kneeling at Ronald's side quickly, grabbing his hand and pulling the ring off of him. It was tossed carelessly to the floor. A crunch was heard, as Ronald's finger was bent back and snapped.

 "Ah ... ya' not gunna' break me down, no ... matter wha' ya' do." His little finger was snapped. "Y' just a fucking cunt!" Middle. "Claude ... will never go back ta' scum like y'!" Index.

 "Then how's about we take it up a notch."

 ***End flashback***

 Tears began to run down Ronald's face. **_Fuck! Why do I have to have those flashbacks now, after so many years? Is it because Claude's realised what a tart I am that he's stopped loving me? Does he believe what they said now?_**

 Claude wiped the tears away. "What is the matter? Is it because you want to go home?" Two blinks - no. "Because of your condition?" Two blinks.

 Eric sat at the other side of him, holding his hand and Claude noticed the that the reading on the heart rate monitor had gone up. "Try to calm down, Ronald. You know that stress triggers off your seizures."

  _ **How can I fucking calm down when I keep seeing what happened flashing through my head? When I think that y' hate me!?**_

 Just as Claude had predicted, he soon began to seize again. After three minutes of it not stopping, Claude went to get the nurse. Medication was administered and his seizure stopped after a few moments.

 "See Claude, he's a cheap tart. Ya' really don't want ta' be stuck wi' filth like that." Those words circled around Ronald's head.

  _ **They were right all along ....**_

\-----

 Sebastian came home, bringing Adrian with him from his first chemo session. He helped Adrian to sit down on the sofa and sat next to him. "How are you feeling?"

 "I'm ... sleepy." He twiddled a strand of hair between his fingers. "This will ... start falling out soon. Such a shame ... it has taken so long for me to ... grow it to this length."

 "It will grow back, try not to worry about it."

 "Worry about what?"

 "We were talking about your hair."

 "Oh, right. Hmm ... so tired." He rested his head against the back of the sofa, his eyes slipping shut. He soon fell to sleep. Sebastian eyed him with sadness, before pulling his phone out. Claude had told him to call him to let him know how the session had gone. Sebastian took a deep breath and pressed dial.


	81. Y' don't want me anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for the second flashback in this. Rape warning.

 Eric came home around 9pm from the hospital, feeling exhausted. He knew that he had coursework to do and exams to study for but all he wanted to do was to go to bed and sleep.

 The living room was empty on his return, which he found strange. He knew that Sascha was probably upstairs with Rudgar but Alan was normally still up, watching anime dvds or reading.

 He checked the kitchen and found that empty, so made his way upstairs. Alan was sat upright in bed. "Ya' feelin' alright, Al? Tired?"

 Alan pressed the tips of his two index fingers together, a light blush rising on his cheeks. "Umm ... no. I ... I - Umm ... I'm kind of ... horny."

 "Oh?" Eric took his satchel off and dropped it to the floor.

 "So ... can we?"

 Eric removed his coat. "If ya' want ta', yeah."

 "I ... want to. I mean, I'm okay doing that ... with you. I know it's only been about a month since I came back from ... Glasgow but ... I think that I'll be fine."

 "Well ... alright." He got undressed and flicked the main light off. Turning the lamp on, he grabbed some lube out of the drawer. The covers were pulled back and Alan's bottom clothes removed, before the smaller man shifted to straddle Eric's waist.

 "You need ... some Fortisip." Alan teased, running his hands over Eric's chest. "I miss the hunk."

 "Haha, no. I'm fine wi'out tha' shit. Plus ... I ordered take out last night, remember?"

 "Crappy pineapple." Alan mumbled, before bending down to suck on Eric's neck. The blonde pulled the cover up over them. Alan pressed his hips down against the other's, a small moan being muffled against Eric's skin.

 Eric flipped them over, grabbing the lube again and shifted down between Alan's parted legs. The lube was rubbed over his fingers and their lips pressed together, a finger rubbing against Alan's entrance. It was pressed inside, Eric finding his spot and rubbing against it.

 Alan pushed his hips down. "Hmm ... so nice."Eric let out a sigh and removed his finger, rolling off of Alan. "Eric ... what -?"

Another sigh was heard, before Eric said "I'm jus' not in tha' mood tonight, Al. Sorry but I'm too knackered."

 "So ... it's not because ... of me? Because of ... what happened in Glasgow?"

 "No, of course not. Jus' wi' everythin' that's goin' on, I can't ge' inta' it."

 "What ... do you mean?"

 "When I came downstairs this morning, Rudgar had left to go home so he could ge' ready for work and Sash was upset. Sayin' tha' he couldn't cope wi' havin' tha' baby and stuff."

 "Oh ... poor Sash. Now that Rudgar is ... here though he'll help him to ... look after the baby."

 "He's not keepin' it."

 "You mean adoption?"

 "Yeah."

 "Has he told Rudgar?"

 "No but he said somethin' along tha' lines off 'if Rudgar thinks I'm keepin' it, he doesn't know me at all after all.'"

 "Oh, okay."

 "It's not jus' tha' either. Ronnie was really upset earlier and he can't even tell us what's wrong."

 "I ... I'm sorry." Alan looked away.

 "Wha' for?"

 "For being ... Selfish."

 "How was ya' bein' selfish?"

 "Asking for ... sex when you're overwhelmed with everything."

 "Not selfish. Can't help it if ya' in tha' mood. I should be back in tha' mood in a few days when I'm not as tired."

 "Okay."

 Eric pulled him close, kissing his head. "Then I'll ravage ya' under tha' covers for hours."

 "An all night-er? "

 "Hell yeah'."

 "I'd ... like that."

\----

 The next day, Claude had had to phone in sick for work, having received a call from the hospital to say that Ronald's seizures had increased. They were right, Ronald having had six in the first five hours Claude had been there. He'd been crying during all of that time and Claude had no idea what the issue was.

***Ronald's Pov***

 Ronald's hair was soothed again but that didn't stop his tears from falling. Two memories had been swirling in his mind all day.

***Flashback***

 "I do not require protection from an infant! What you did was rash! He could have seen us! He could have knifed you right there on the spot!"

 "Infant!? Why do y' keep thinkin' tha' I'm jus' a kid?! After everythin' I've been through and y' still think I'm immature!?"

 "You are immature and ... do you have any brain cells at all?!"

 "Now y' sayin' I'm fuckin' stupid!?"

 "Well your actions today have proved such."

\--------------------------------

 Pants left the younger's mouth, as much as he tried to keep them in. "Hmm ... I think you are enjoying this." Joker said, thrusting into him harshly and pumping him.

 "Shut up ... Hn ... ah ... bastard! Oh ... ahh ... fuck."

 "I hope you are watching your ... sweetheart ... moaning for me, Claude." Joker said, between his own moans. The man couldn't summon an answer.

 Ronald began to moan loudly, his spot behind hit with almost every thrust. "Fuck ... y' fuckin' ... monster! Oh fuck ... hmm." He soon came hard, his fingers digging into his palms.

 "See Claude, he's a cheap tart. Ya' really don't want ta' be stuck wi' filth like that." Baldroy said, smirking widely.

***End flashback***

 More tears leaked from his eyes. **_No wonder he doesn't love me anymore. How could he? I'm ... not just thick, I'm a man whore too. I didn't want to ... moan, I tried to keep them in. I couldn't help it but I feel like shit for doing it. I'm just a fucking slut._**

 "Ronald, you need to calm down. Now. You'll only be in here longer if you keep having this many seizures."

_**So what? Y' ... y' don't want me anyway. Everyone always leaves me....** _

\------

 Eric came home after university that day and headed up the stairs, determined to get some work done today. Entering the room, he froze. "Al, not ... again."


	82. You've let him down again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alan feels! Eric feels! Ronald feels! Sascha sort of feels. Claude - eh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess which lucky man is heading off to Edinburgh monday! Squeals.

 Alan was lying face up on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, his clothes stained with blood. So much blood. In three quick strides, Eric was over to him, sitting on the bed and scooping him into his arms. Alan continued to stare, this time at the wall across from him, seeming not to have noticed Eric's presence.

 "Al?"

 His head snapped around to look at Eric and his eyes went wide, before he broke down completely. "Eric - I ... I didn't mean - please don't leave me ... again. Please don't break off ... the engagement. Please!" His hand shot up to his mouth, as he began to sob, shoulders shaking harshly.

 Eric took in the redness on his knuckles. "Ya' made ya'self sick too." Alan's words were lost to more sobs, nodding his head instead. "Why, Al? 'Cause of wha' happened last night?" A shake of the head. "Then why?" He pulled Alan's hand away from his mouth. "Please tell me."

 "I ... just woke up ... with really bad urges and cravings."

 "Heroin cravings?"

 "Yes ... and cutting too. I thought maybe it would help take ... the cravings for the drug away."

 "Like release endorphins ya' mean?"

 "Yes ... please don't leave ... me again." He clung to Eric's shirt.

 "I'm not gunna', don't worry."

 "Really? But ... I don't understand. You ... did last time."

 "I know and I'm sorry for tha'. I was jus' real stressed from Ronnie bein' ill and everythin'. It was wrong ta' take it out on ya'."

 "Oh ... okay, good. Did ... I upset you last night?"

 "Wi' wha'?"

 "The ... hunk joke."

 "Na. I knew tha' ya' was jus' messin'. I wasn't fussed by it."

" ... Good."

 "Why did ya' make ya'self sick though?"

 "The voices ... have been bad today too."

 "Ah. Try not ta' listen ta' them. I mean, ya' got a couple of commissions ta' be gettin' on wi', ta' take ya' mind off of them."

 "Yeah ... but it's just not the same."

 "How?"

 "Without Ronnie here. I mean ... before he was attacked, we always used to ... hang out after I'd done some and even when he was home from the hospital, he'd at least be around to talk to. Claude's never home either. It's like our family is breaking apart."

 "I know." Eric took in a shaky breath.

 "You normally ... say that he'll be home soon. That's he'll be okay."

 Eric pulled him tightly against himself, tears pricking at his eyes. "I can't ... Al. Ta' be honest, I don't see him ever comin' home."

 "You think ... he's going to die?"

 "I ... don't know." Another sigh. "Let's ge' ya' cleaned up, okay? Do ya' think ya' will need stitches?"

 "No ... they aren't that bad."

 "Alright." Eric eased Alan off of him and rooted around in the drawer for some steri - strips.

\----

 Alan came back from the bathroom, having gotten changed and closed up his larger cuts. "This ... is the last slip up I'm having. I'm ... so done with this shit."

 "Alright. Where's tha' thing ya' cut ya'self wi'? Let's throw it away, okay?"

 "Yeah ... sure. Top drawer of the bedside table. I ... love you, Eric. Thank you ... for not leaving me."

 "I love ya' too."

\-----

 Two weeks had passed and Sascha had just come home from a scan, which had been needed to check up on the clot again. He was now five months pregnant. A few hours later, Rudgar knocked on the door.

 Eric answered it and he made his way up to Sascha's room and knocked on that also. After a few moments, Sascha appeared from behind it. "How did the scan go?"

 "Fine." Sascha lied. The clot was still present on the scans, something Rudgar didn't even know about.

 "Good." He moved into the room and as Sascha turned to walk back over to the bed, he wrapped his arms around him, kissing his neck. His hand slid down to place on Sascha's stomach but it was quickly pulled away.

 "Don't touch it!"

 "What? Why?"

 "I don't like it. I don't like being like this so stop doing things to remind me of it."

 "Oh ... okay. Sorry."

 "K."

\-----

 Claude was well aware of the fact that he'd been lacking in saying something to Ronald. Something important. Though he hadn't realised that it was the reason for Ronald's upset.

 It was a stupid reason for why he hadn't. Sebastian had been right; Ronald's words in the argument had cut him deeply. It was fine saying it while Ronald was sleeping but when he was awake, he could imagine Ronald saying "Fuck y' love." Imagine him thinking that he hated Claude now for putting him back in the hospital, unable to move anything but his eyes.

 He knew that it was probably illogical but he didn't want to risk the hateful look that he thought Ronald would shoot at him if he did say it. Maybe he cried so much because he hated being stuck with a man that he despised?

 The whole situation was taking a toll on Claude, as Ronald had done nothing but cry for the last two and a half weeks. It upset him to see him so vulnerable, relying on machines to keep him alive. He just couldn't deal with it anymore. He'd been spending his days at work, the evening until 9pm at the hospital. Then he'd go to get some Cocaine from Hannah and be awake from the high until around 2-3 am, getting back up around 7am to get ready for work.

 He was completely exhausted and was on the brink of a complete breakdown. Currently, he was in the hospital room with Ronald, who had just devolved into tears.

 His own began to fall and he rested his head on the bed, letting a few sobs slip from him. And then he fell apart. "Ronald ... I ... I cannot do this anymore. I am so sorry."

_**What do y" ... mean by this?** _

 He stood up from his chair. "I am so sorry. This is ... just too hard of a situation for a weak man ... such as I. I have ... to go ... for good this time."

  _ **What!? Babe ... no, please. Don't ... don't leave me here! Don't leave me all alone! I can't ... I can't do this without you!**_

 Claude hurried to the door. "I truly am sorry." With that, he was gone.

**_No ... no, this can't be ... happening. You really ... don't love me anymore. Y' really do think that I'm a slut. I ... can't live without y'. I ... give ... up._ **

\------

 As Claude made his way back from Hannah's that night, he received a call that turned his stomach and made him dissolve into tears once more.


	83. I trust you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First bit is set around 9pm. Claude wouldn't have left the hospital until just after then, so this is a back flash kinda chap. Make sense? I hope so.

***Read the beginning chap notes***

 Eric had come home from the hospital around 7pm. It was now two hours later and Alan was sitting on his lap, the two of them watching TV. Eric wrapped his arms around him, kissing the back of his neck.

 "Umm ... Eric." Alan said, feeling an erection pressing against his bottom. "Are ... you horny?"

 "Yeah ... really bad. Are ya'?"

 "Y ... yes. I brought ... something with my commission money ... a few days ago."

 "Hmm ... I like tha' sound of tha'."

 "Give me ... ten minutes and come meet ... me in the bedroom."

 "I defo like tha' sound of this." He released Alan from his grip, the smaller man rushing up the stairs."

 Ten minutes later, Eric knocked on the door. "Ya' ready?"

 "Y ... yes. Come ... in." Eric entered the room and gulped. Alan was dressed in a long sleeved french maid outfit, a pair of long white socks showing from under its skirt. Alan blushed, stammering "do you ... like ... it?"

 Eric was quickly over to him, pulling him close. "Hot. So fuckin' hot." He kissed Alan's neck, hands shifting to grab Alan's bottom, making him blush more. "I really dig tha' eyeliner." He stated, before moving his lips to trail along Alan's jaw.

 Alan's hand glided down his chest slowly, moving between them to rub him. "Eric ... you ... you're so hard."

 "Wha' do ya' expect, when ya' dressed like tha'? So sexy. And here I thought tha' dressin' up was a one time thing."

 "Umm ... no, I really like it." He pulled a silky tie from the outfits pocket.

 "Oh, tyin' me up, am ya'?"

 "N ... no. You're ... tying me up. I ... I'm in ... the mood for ... kink."

 Eric pulled away to look at him. "Are ya' sure?"

 "I ... am."

 "Really?"

 Alan nodded. "Just ... because I was ... abused, it doesn't mean ... that I can't like this ... kind of thing. I mean ... it's not like ... you've got to tie me down ... to keep me there. I want ... to do things like ... this with you and only you."

 "Fair enough. Ge' on tha' bed then." Eric smirked and Alan was on the bed quickly. The blonde followed and took the tie from him. "This ain't gunna' hurt ya' cuts, is it?"

 "No. It's been ... over two weeks. They are pretty much healed."

 "Alright." He pushed Alan's sleeve up slightly, just so that he could tie it around his wrist. The silk was then wrapped around a rail of the headboard and secured around his other wrist. "Hmm ... ya' need ta' dress up more often."

 "I ... will."

 "Good." Eric bent over to kiss him, letting his tongue slid against Alan's, his hand moving down to tease Alan's nipple through the material. A small moan muffled against Eric's mouth. His lips trailed back down his jaw and neck and then across sharp collar bones.

 "Hmm ..."

 Eric sank lower, moving between Alan's parted legs. Pushing them wider apart, he spotted a pair of lacey panties. "This really is a treat." His mouth pressed to the very top of Alan's inner thigh, as he began to suck and nibble on the area.

 Alan let out a soft groan, his arms pulling against the bindings. "Eric ... come on. Stop ... teasing me."

 "Nope." He continued to suck on the area, before biting softly on it.

 "Ah ... trying ... hmm ... to give me ... a love bite?"

 "Maybe." His mouth moved back to the area, biting down with a bit more force.

 "Would it surprise you ... if I said ... that that really turned me on?"

 "Maybe." The next bite was a lot harder and Alan moaned loudly.

 "Eric ... ah. Please ... hurry up." All Alan got for a reply was more sucks and bites. "Stop being mean ... and come on."

 Finally Eric moved away, to pull Alan's panties from him. Settling back between his legs, he traced his finger over Alan's member. "I'm not tha' only one who's rock hard."

 "Can ... you blame me? I've been ... horny for the past two weeks."

 "Ya' should have said somethin'."

 "I didn't ... want to, incase you ... didn't want to."

 Eric smiled. "Ya' so sweet, Al." He bent down to suck on Alan's ball, hand moving to pump him.

 "Eric ... don't. I'm ... not going to last long ... enough at this rate to-."

 He moved his mouth away to speak. "I said ... an all night-er, remember? We got plenty of time. Don't want ya' gettin' too sore."

 "Oh ... yeah. I completely forgot about ... that. Sounds amazing."

 Eric took his into his mouth then and within a minute of sucking and licking, Alan had come, his nails digging into his palms. He was still panting heavily when Eric slid up his body to kiss him hard.

 Pulling away, he eased Alan's glasses from him and placed them on the nightstand. "Eric ... you know that ... I can't see a thing without my glasses."

 "I know." He breathed. "I'm not goin' ta' hurt ya'. Trust me."

 Alan smiled softly. "I do."

\------

 1am was fast approaching and they were only on their second session of the night, Eric having teased him and kissed him for a long while after their first. Alan was moaning loudly, his head pressed into the pillow, as Eric thrust against his spot gently. "Ah ... Eric. Hmm ... harder." Eric complied, pushing Alan over the edge. He came a few minutes later, Alan's feet placed on each of his shoulders.

 Pulling out, the other man spoke. "Can I be on my front ... for the next session?"

 "Sure." He untied Alan and turned him onto his front, before pulling his hands behind his back. "Ya' comfortable wi' bein' tied like this?"

 "I am ... with you."

 "Alright." Alan was tied and Eric pulled his hips up, sliding back into him. "I'm guessin' ya' want it rough this time?"

 "I ... do. Eric?"

 "Yeah?"

 "I'm want to ... do you next."

 "Fair enough but I wanna' be tied up too."

 "I'd ... like that."

\-----

***Sebastian's house***

 A little before 3am, Sebastian was woken up by his phone ringing. A call from Claude was going to make the next few hours painfully long and grueling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sex was at the same time as Claude's break down basically. 
> 
> Oh Alan ... you kinky wee one.


	84. Better?

***2.56am***

 Sebastian accepted the call and heard Claude breathing heavily from the other end. "Hello?"

 "Sebastian ... can I come ... in? I'm ... outside." Sebastian could hear the urgency in his voice.

 "Whatever is the matter?"

 "I ... can't do this anymore. Please ... just let me in."

 Adrian stirred from his sleep and Sebastian said. "Wait a moment," muting the call.

 "A phone call at this time? Have you got yourself a stalker?" Adrian giggled. His hair had been cut short but it was now falling out in clumps.

 "It is Claude. He is outside of the door."

 "Then let the poor boy in."

 "Are you sure? I wish not to prevent you from sleeping."

 "I've been sleeping like a log lately, I doubt I'll hear anything that you two hotties will be saying."

 "Very well."

 He un- muted his phone. "I'll be down right away."

 "Thank ... you." The call was ended and Sebastian made his way downstairs to the hallway. Opening the door, he saw Claude standing there with a bottle of whiskey in hand.

 "Come in."

 Claude staggered into the house and Sebastian moved forward to support under his arm, helping him into the living room and over to sit down on the sofa. "I ... cannot ... cope any longer."

 Sebastian knelt down in front of him. "With what?" He then noticed the white powder coating the inside of Claude's nostrils.

 "Whatever it is, I doubt that snorting Cocaine will help you."

 "You ... are probably right. I ... have been on a bit of a bender these last three hours. Been ... to ... Hannah's twice today. Maybe this ... is my rock bottom."

 "Are you still high?"

 "Not really."

 "Drunk?"

 "Quite."

 "Do you feel sick at all?" Claude nodded. "Let me get some tissues and the bowl."

\-----

***Elan***

 "Ready for tha' next round, babe?" Eric asked.

 "Yeah."

 "Tie me back up again then."

 "Yay!"

 Once Eric was tied up, on his back for his second bottoming session, Alan straddled his knees, bending down to suck on his nipples. "Ah .... Do ya' think we'll last all night?"

 Alan looked up at him. "We might at ... this rate."

 "Awesome. Ya' know ... there's somethin' really hot 'bout gettin' fucked by a maid."

 "I'm ... really enjoying it too."

\----

***5.17am***

 Claude had been sick and had now sobered up somewhat, the bowl resting on the carpet at the side of the sofa. He wasn't acting in what one would call a rational or calm manner however, instead tugging on Sebastian's shirt, screaming and crying. "I can't do this! I ... can't ... I just can't!"

 "Get a hold of yourself."

 "No ... I - this is just too awful!"

 He received a slap across the face and Sebastian smiled sweetly at him. "Better?"

 "Yes ... thank you ... for that." Claude said, letting go of his nightshirt and placing a hand to his cheek. "I ... did need that."

 "Now tell me what is wrong. This time without the hysterics."

 "I received a call from the ... hospital around half ten."

 "Regarding what?"

 "Ronald ...." Claude let out shaky breath, tears falling from him. "His heart ... stopped again."

 "Were they able to revive him?"

 "Just. It took them ... around twenty minutes to do so."

 "Are they aware of what caused it?"

 "It was another extreme seizure but ... I think you were right."

 "Whatever do you mean?"

 Claude sniffed. "He cannot live ... without me. Yet ... I am a coward. I told him ... that I couldn't see him ... again. I can't ... see him like this anymore."

 "You ended the relationship?"

 "In so many ... words, yes."

 "But why? He loves you."

 "Does he? After all that I have put him through, how could he?"

 "He does. He needs you by his side."

 "No. I am ... no good for him. It is my fault that he was ... injured to ... begin with. I am useless at ... everything."

 "You seem rather skilled at breaking people's hearts."

 A long sigh was heard. "I am well ... aware of that fact."

 "It still doesn't change the fact that Ronald adores you. I doubt he will survive without you."

 "He will not survive regardless. His brain ... has already gone through too much trauma."

 "You do not know -." His sentence was cut short by Claude's phone ringing. He answered it and once the call was ended, he started to sob. "What is it?"

 "He flatlined ... again. Barely managed to ... revive him this time also."

 "Do you wish for me to drive you to the hospital?"

 "No."

 "Why -."

 "I have already ... given you my reasons."

 "And yet I feel as if you are not telling me all of the reasons." Another sigh. "Am I correct in this?"

 "You ... are."

 "Then tell me everything."

 "His ... smile."

 "What about it?"

 Claude wiped his eyes, though more tears quickly followed. "It was ... so beautiful, that grin of his. Even in the hardest ... of times it would warm my heart. Now ... even that right has been stripped from him. Because of ... me and my mistakes. My stupidity. I cannot bear ... to see him without it anymore. I feel that ... I am having a mental breakdown."

 "You ... just have to get through one day at a time, as me and Adrian are currently doing. No one will blame you for taking a day away from the hospital but please reconsider leaving Ronald completely. He really is a sweet boy and he needs you."

 "No. I ... have made my decision and I am sticking to it. I am sorry for bothering you, taking ... you away from Adrian when he truly needs you. I am going home."

 "You cannot be thinking of driving in this state?"

 "I drove back to Hannah's home just fine."

 "You fool! You could have crashed!" He stood up and moved to grab his shoes. "I will drive you home."

 "But what ... about Adrian?"

 "I will make sure to be hasty. Come now."

 "Very well. I have to be up again in an hour and a half for work. How lovely."

 "Claude ... today is a Saturday."

 "Oh, so ... it is. Thank goodness for small mercies at least."

 Claude would receive another phone call in the next six hours and his anger would shift from himself to the hospital staff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So someone mentioned slapping some sense into Claude. Well he got slapped but the sense has still escaped him.
> 
>  
> 
> Comments appreciated.


	85. Near fatal mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the start of this chap is set when Claude was still throwing his guts up. 
> 
> Find the soul eater ref?

***5.03am***

 Alan came back into the bedroom, having had a shower. He was now dressed in a pair of pink pjs, his maid outfit having gotten too sweaty for his liking.

 "Ready for tha' second half?" Eric asked, as Alan slid under the covers.

 "Y ... yeah, I am now. That costume ... was really starting to chaff."

 "I jus' hope tha' we didn't wake Sash up. Guy needs his rest right now."

 "You fuss over ... him terribly, Eric. You'd probably be a ... nervous wreck if I was pregnant."

 "Eh?"

 "You ... know what I mean."

 "I'll ... say it again, eh? Ya' ain't got tha' bits for tha'."

 "I know. I was just saying -."

 "I have really weird mental images now. Think ya' been readin' too much fan fiction."

 "I don't read that!"

 "Sure ... whatever ya' say."

 "Eric!"

 "Haha. I dunno though." He ran a hand over Alan's clothed stomach. "A bump would look cute on ya'."

 "It really wouldn't. Ohh ... now I'm getting ... mental images."

 "Anyway, I'm not bein' fussy. I jus' want Sash's pregnancy ta' go smoothly. Don't want another friend in tha' hospital."

 "Umm ... Eric, he'll been in the hospital either way. You know ... for the birth?"

 "Oh ... yeah. Ya' know wha' I meant though!"

 "Nope."

 "Shush." Eric smirked, pulling him close. "Or I'll have ta" gag ya' too."

 "Maybe next time. You've ... already tied me up ... and pretty much blindfolded me."

 "Hmm ... true. How's about this instead?" He pressed his lips to Alan's forcefully, tongue slipping into the other's mouth.

 Pulling away after a while, Alan said "I like that ... way." Eric kissed him again, hand sliding down to rub him through his bottoms.

\------

***5.26am***

 "Hmm." Alan's fingers tangled in Eric's hair further, his hips bucking up into his mouth. A long moan slipped from him, as he climaxed into Eric's mouth.

 After a few moments, the blond pulled away and licked his lips. "Tired yet, babe?"

 "No ... not really. I said ... earlier that I wanted to last ... until eight and ... I'm going to do it."

 "Such determination." Eric joked.

\----

 A few minutes later, Alan was riding on top of Eric, his legs hidden by the bedsheets and his top still on, when the larger man asked "Al, did ya' hear Claude come home?"

 "N ... no." He got off of Eric and slid under the covers to keep his legs hidden. "Go ... check his room?"

 "Alright." He stood up, putting his boxers on and leaving the room. Coming back a little time later, he spoke again. "His bedroom door is open and he ain't there. Shit ... I hope tha' him and Ronnie are alright."

 "Yeah ... me too. I -." Alan's sentence was cut short when they heard the door opening. "Pass me ... my bottoms please." Eric did and they both got dressed again, heading downstairs. Claude didn't speak to them, instead heading up to his room.

 Eric turned to follow him but Sebastian said "leave him be. He's quite distressed and needs some time alone."

 "Wha' happened? Is Ronnie okay?"

 "His heart stopped again, due to a seizure."

 "What?! No way!"

 "Yes, I'm afriad that it is true."

 "Shit. Al, come on, we're goin' ta' tha' hospital."

 "O ... okay." Alan and Eric got their shoes on and coats, Alan still dressed in his pjs. They then left the house and got into Eric's car.

\-----

***5.55am***

 The doctor on duty had agreed to let them see Ronald. Entering the room, they saw that Ronald was in a daze from his seizures, eyes not focusing on Eric as he came nearer to the bed. "Man ... he's really out of it. Poor guy." He ran his fingers through Ronald's hair. "We're here now buddy, we'll always be by ya' side."

 Ronald tensed under his hand, before going into rhythmic spasms. Alan rushed closer to him, keeping an eye on the heart rate monitor and seeing the line flatten. The room was soon filled with hospital staff, Eric and Alan being forced to leave.

 Eric watched through the window in the hallway, as Ronald's hospital gown was pulled open and the defibrillator placed on his chest. "Come ... on ...Ronnie. Ya' can pull ... through this." He turned to Alan when he heard a sob, Alan shaking at the sight. Pulling Alan closer, the smaller man buried his face into his shirt and Eric kissed the top of his head.

 "He ... won't. Not ... this time. He ... he's too sick." Eric gulped, having no reply to that. He knew that Alan was probably right. The minutes seemed to tick by at a snails pace and eventually Eric couldn’t watch anymore, instead pressing his face into Alan's hair and letting himself cry also.

 A little over ten minutes and they managed to bring Ronald back. Eric gulped again. _This was not the all night-er I was expecting._

\-----

***10.57am***

 The couple were currently in Ronald's room, the blonde fast asleep. Claude had arrived at the hospital after receiving a phone call from the doctor. He'd then been taken into the doctors office, as the reason for Ronald's extreme seizures had been found.

 His first was slammed down on the desk. "Are you completely incompetent? I missed a dose of his medication but how in God's name did you manage to give him the wrong medication for three days straight?!"

 "We are apologise for this, Mr Faustus. Of course it is not acceptable. We will be carrying out investigations-."

 "What good will that do him!? You have probably just worsened his condition, you buffoon!" He stood up promptly, leaving the room and slamming the door behind him.

 Pausing for a moment, he looked in the direction of the hallway which would take him to Ronald's room. _He doesn't need me in order to survive after all._ With the shake of his head, he turned and walked to the exit of the hospital. _I ... will stick to my decision, as much as it breaks my heart to do so._

\-----

***Two days later.***

"It'll be alright, mate." Eric said, holding Ronald's hand. It acted as little comfort, Ronald only crying more. His medication had now been corrected and his seizures had become less severe again. **_He really isn't coming back. He ... doesn't love me anymore. Maybe ... he never did. I was just a burden all along. If I could ... speak, I'd ask them to take away this fucking tube. I don't wanna' be here anymore. Not without my baby._**

\-----

 Late that night, Claude had come home from getting his fix of Cocaine. He'd now come down from the high and as he stepped into the living room, he saw Eric waiting for him.

 "Claude, we need ta' talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments about this chap and/ or email me. I'm feel really down right now and really need cheering up/ someone to talk to.


	86. Memories on an sd card.

 While Eric was downstairs with Claude, Alan was alone in his room, thinking back to before Ronald was assaulted.

***Flashback***

 "Ready ta' play?" Ronald asked, setting up his playstation.

 "Yes." Alan sat next to him on the floor and a two player, shooter, horror game disk was inserted. Ten minutes in and Alan was crapping his pants, a ugly zombie looking thing having just jumped out at him. He quickly switched the game off.

 "Oi! Wha' ya' do tha' for?" Ronald looked at him.

 "It was scaring me." Alan said, putting the console on the floor.

 Ronald did the same, before lunging forward and pushing Alan to the ground. He pulled on Alan's cheek, grinning widely. "Oh ... is lil' Al scared of a bit of CGI?"

 The brunette giggled. "Cut ... it out, Ronnie!"

 He pouted. "Fine." Getting off of Alan, he rushed into the kitchen, coming back with a large packet of skittles. "Want some?"

 "We ... are having ... take out in a bit. You'll ruin ... your appetite."

"Doubt it. I'm hungry as hell." He said, tipping the packet up and getting a large mouthful of the sweets. "Hmm ... so good."

 "Eww ... stop ... talking with your mouth full."

 "Na, I'm still sexy as hell."

***End flashback***

 Alan curled up on the bed. "Nothing ... will ever ... bring back times ... like those. I miss ... them so much."

\-------

 Claude didn't reply, instead turning to go into the kitchen. Eric stood up quickly, rushing up to him and grabbing his wrist. "Wait a minute."

 "Whatever it is that you wish to talk about, I am not interested."

 "I don't care. Ya' need ta' go and see Ronnie. He's a mess wi'out ya'."

 Claude tried to pull his arm away but Eric's grip was too tight. "I have my reasons for such actions. Please respect my decision."

 "Yeah and I know tha' reasons. I asked Sebastian and yeah, I do understand but he needs ya'."

 "It ... is just too hard."

 "I know tha' it's hard ta' see him like this but -."

 "But nothing. I am obviously too weak of a man to cope with this. Ronald deserves better."

 "No, ya' not weak."

 "Of course I am. Leaving him when he is like this, it is pathetic of me."

 "That's 'cause ya' findin' it hard. I understand, I really do. Doesn't mean ya' weak or pathetic, ya' jus' struggling right now."

 "I shouldn't be though, not when I am not the one disabled."

 "Doesn't mean ya' should feel fine. Ya' love him, of course it's gunna' affect ya' ta' see him so poorly."

 "Yes ... I do love him."

 "Ya' know tha' me and Al are here ta' support ya'. Don't bottle ya' feelings up."

 "I am not good at expressing emotions or talking of them."

 "Yeah, we know." He let go of Claude's wrist. "Now come on, let's go visit him."

 "What? No, I-."

 "Don't ya' want ta' see him?"

 "I do ... it is just that ... I told him I would never see him again. Even though I miss him ... I meant what I said."

 "Well ya' look jus' as miserable wi'out him as he does wi'out ya'."

 A sigh slipped from Claude. "I am miserably. I thought not seeing him would help ... somewhat but it hasn't. In fact, my upset has only risen."

 "Well then. I'll drive."

 "But what if he hates me?"

 "He won't. Remember wha' he said in tha' video? Tha' he'd protect ya' until his last breath. That's how much he loves ya'."

 "You ... still have that video?"

 "Yeah, on my new phone now. Do ya' need ta' see it?"

 "No ... I remember it quite vividly. You ... have a point." He paused for a moment. "Will they even let me ... see him at this time?"

 "I'll jus' 'ave ta' flirt wi' tha' nurse on duty."

 "Thank ... you."

\----

***Meanwhile, Ronald thoughts***

**_No one wants me. No one ever stays. Even the fucking doctors ... tried ta' kill me off. No one ... loves me. I feel so lonely._ **

\------

 Eric didn't even have to use his skills, as the nurse allowed Claude to see Ronald. Turns out that Ronald had been agitated and upset since Eric had left and it was hoped that Claude's presence could calm him before he had another seizure.

 "Jus' tell him how ya' feelin'." Eric said, patting Claude on the back.

 "I will try." Claude walked into the room, to find that Ronald was still awake and crying. His eyes lit up from he saw Claude standing at the side of the bed. **_He ... came back. He ... still wants a slut like me?_**

 The elder grabbed a tissue from the box on the bedside table and wiped Ronald's eyes and then a trail of saliva that had trickled down the side of his mouth from slightly parted lips.

 "I ... made a blunder. I am sorry for leaving you. Can you ever forgive me?" One blink - yes. "I ... love you greatly."

 _ **He ... finally said it.**_ This time, it was happy tears that fell.

 "Do you still love me?"

 _ **I'll always love ya'.** _ One blink. _**No matter what.**_

 "Thank you. I am so sorry for being such a fool. I thought that ... you may have hated me for everything I had put you through."

 _ **Never.**_ Two blinks.

 "Thank you."

_**Y' welcome, sexy.** _

\------

 The next evening, Claude drove from the house to the hospital. He had some upsetting news to tell Ronald. Once he was in the room, he said "Ronald, I received a phone call at the house earlier. Your grandfather passed away at his care home this morning."

 Ronald's eyes went wide. _**No ... not Grandpa. I didn't ... even get to say goodbye.**_ A few tears slipped from him.

 "I am so sorry for your loss."

  _ **I'm going to miss the funeral too. This ... can't be happening. Not now.** _ Claude placed a kiss on his forehead and wiped away the tears, before sitting down and taking his hand.

\-----

 A few days later, there was another call to the Faustus home. Putting the phone down, he turned to Eric. "Ronald's grandfather has left him a large inheritance."

 "Ah ... cool."

 "The issue is that I have no idea of Ronald's bank details."

 "Oh. Ge' it transferred inta' ya' account then."

 "What? Why?"

 "Well ya' classed as his carer, right?"

 "Yes ... I am. Still, I will have to ask Ronald about this. If he is okay with that, I will keep the money for now. Hopefully some day he will be able to get it transferred to his own account."

 "Yeah, though I doubt he's used up much of tha' money his dad left him."

 "That is correct. He ... never had a chance to."

\-----

 The next day, Claude came back from the hospital. Eric and Alan were cuddled up in the living room. "I have spoken to Ronald and he is fine with the decision to keep the money in my account. He was also okay with my choice of using it to make changes to the house."

 "Wha' changes?" Eric asked.

 "For when he comes home in a month."

 "Tha' doctors 'ave agreed ta' tha'?"

 Claude nodded. "After I threatened to sue them for almost killing him, yes. If things go well, he should be home for the 17th of April."

 Alan was in disbelief. "He's ... really coming home." _Our family will be ... complete again._


	87. Demonstrations.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be extremely short. Maybe 500 words max.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know that the James bond movie hasn't come out yet and it's October here, not mid of march but YOLO.

 Sebastian came home to find Adrian asleep on the sofa. His chemo had ended for two weeks, to allow his body to recover somewhat, before his treatment would start again. At the end of that, he would find out if the chemo had worked.

\------

 The weekend came and Rudgar was up in Sascha's room. Claude had found out early on that he was sleeping over but didn't much care. He had more important matters than that on his mind.

 Sascha was now at 23 weeks, the first signs of a bump showing, though easily covered with a jumper. He pulled a disgusted face. "Is everything okay?" Rudgar asked.

 "The baby just kicked. He's being doing that a lot lately, just normally in the afternoons. It really unnerves me."

 Rudgar smiled. "Can I feel?"

 He received a glare, before Sascha sighed. "I don't see why but fine, whatever." He picked up Rudgar's hand, lifting his top up and placing the hand on his stomach. "There."

 Rudgar felt a small kick and his smile grew. "That is adorable."

 "No it is not! It feels very weird!"

 "I suppose it does." He withdrew his hand. "Still, I cannot wait to be a father."

 "What?"

 "You know ... when our son is born. He will be just as cute as you."

 Sascha eyed him, feeling horrified. "You think that I am keeping him?"

 "Yes?"

 "Well I'm not. He's going to be adopted."

 "But it's our child."

 "Not its not! You are not the father and I didn't ask for this baby. It was something that was done to me."

 "Then why the hell are you having him?!"

 "Because I wanted to give him a chance. I want him to be taken in by a family that will love him. Accept him as their own, unlike my family treated me."

 "When you can't accept him yourself?"

 Sascha stared at his hands. "I ... do not love this child as a parent should."

 "That is just heartless!"

 "No." His voice started to crack. "The man who raped me was heartless. I have tried to accept ... this child. I have tried ... to love him ... but I cannot. I just cannot. I have ... never wanted children. I ... cannot change who I am or how I feel."

 "Sascha -."

 "Just get out! If you want to try to force me to be a parent, just leave."

 "No ... you are right. The choice is entirely yours."

 Sascha huffed. "But I am heartless for that choice, no?"

 "I ... didn't mean that. I was just caught off guard."

 Sascha moved to lie down, turning away from him. "Just leave."

 "No." He too lay down. It would take the rest of the night to apologise enough for Sascha to forgive him.

\-----

 Monday came and Claude had taken the day off of work, so that he could learn about looking after Ronald's tracheostomy tube. Alan and Eric would learn too later on. Sascha had wanted to as well but had been told to wait until he'd given birth, as Ronald got a lot of colds and they didn't want Sascha to get one too.

 A nurse that he recognised was waiting for him outside of the room, nurse Midford. She took him into the room. "Mr Knox really is such a cutie." Receiving nothing but a glare from Claude, she began to go through the protocol for suctioning of the tube. This was to remove any mucus and allow for better oxygenation. She also told Claude to keep an eye on the colour of the secretions for signs of infection and bleeding.

 The things needed for suctioning would be a suction unit, suction catheter, suction unit connection tubes and bowl of tap water to flush the suctioning tube.

 She then said to either wash his hands before or to wear gloves, as she was doing and to not change the settings on the suction device, as the doctor had already found the correct level. The catheter was then connected to the suction pump tubing and the suction machine turned on.

 While still explaining, she disconnected the ventilator and pushed the catheter gently into the tracheostomy tube, covering the suction tube hole with her thumb to apply the suction. It was gently removed and the ventilator re-attached. The process was repeated and then water suctioned through the pump tube, once the catheter had been disconnected.

 She then went on to show Claude how to change the tape keeping the tube in place, as well as cleaning the stoma site. Then how to change the dressing under the trach tube and how to change the inner cannula of the tube.

 Claude gulped, beginning to feel overwhelmed again. There was a lot more to take into account with this than with the feeding tube. He'd also have to contact his electrical supplier to make sure that the house always had a back up supply for the ventilator, in case of a power cut.

 Over the next month, he'd be supervised when doing these routines and would also be shown how to change the whole tracheostomy tube.

 Nurse Midford left the room and Claude looked down at Ronald. "That didn't look very comfortable, are you alright?" Ronald blinked a yes. "Good." He sat down on the chair and turned Ronald's head gently so that he could see him properly, before picking up Ronald's hand and nuzzling his cheek against the palm. "I really do love you."

 For a second, he thought that he saw a small smile tugging at Ronald's mouth but quickly pushed that idea from his mind. Impossible. Just wishful thinking.

\-----

***1.47pm***

 A few days later, Alan and Eric had decided to go out on a date to celebrate their engagement, as Eric's uni was closed due to a strike. They would be going to the cinema and then for a meal, as Alan was beginning to eat more again.

 As they came into the living room, they spotted Sascha. "Still in ya' pjs? That's lazy." Eric teased.

 "Yes it is but I have really bad backache. It is so annoying." Sascha replied.

 "Oh. Maybe ya' should tell tha' doctor 'bout it."

 "No, no. I will go for a bath later, the hot water will ease it. I am also quite excited, Rudgar is taking me for a date at eight tonight."

 "Ah, okay. If it's still bad tomorow though'-."

 "Yes ... do not worry, I will go and be checked if it is."

 "Alright. We'll be back just before then anyway. Seya later."

 "Bye, bye."

\----

 They got to the cinema just in time for the new James Bond film. Eric brought them a box of popcorn and Alan looked at the big packets of sweets on display. Starbursts and skittles ....

***Flashback***

 The couple had gone with Ronald to watch a James Bond film a while before his assault, as Claude didn't like those films. Half way through the film, Eric whispered to Ronald. "Stop talkin' so much. Ya' gunna' ge' us kicked out."

"Haha, sorry buddy. Ya' right, I should be keepin' an eye on where ya' hand is instead. Can ge' up ta' loads of kinky stuff in tha' dark."

 "Ronnie ... you're terrible." Alan giggled.

 "Yeah. Can I join in if ya' do?"

 A box of popcorn was thrown off of Ronald's head, a man a few rows behind shouting at him to shut up. The three had ended up being kicked out of the showing, after Ronald had punched said man.

***End flashback***

 Alan sighed. _That day was ... so much fun._ They soon took their seats and Eric said "Ya' 'ave a thing for Daniel Craig, right?"

 "I do." Alan smiled. "Blonde and hunky ... just my type."

 "Awesome." Eric leaned over to kiss Alan's neck, earning a small moan from him.

\-----

***7.57***

 The couple arrived home, having had a lovely day out. They were about to head up the stairs for a celebratory love making session, when Alan said "did you hear that? I think it ... was a scream."

 "Shit ... Sascha." Eric darted up the stairs, Alan following closely behind. Another scream was heard, coming from the German man's room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research used:  
> Care for a trach tube.  
> Videos of suctioning and changing a trach tube on ventilated patients.


	88. Dumme Mutter ficken bast**d!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn't graphic really. If I could write it when even hearing about pregnancy makes me dart out of the room, it should be an okay read.

 Eric tried the door but found it to be locked. "Sash ... open up!"

 "I ... can't ... get ... ahh ... up."

 A few kicks to the door and it opened, to show Sascha crumpled on the floor in his dressing gown. Alan rushed passed Eric, bending down at his side. "What's ... wrong?"

 "The ... baby. It ...," he paused for breath, "it's coming."

 Eric helped him to sit up against the wall and he bent his legs, letting them open. "We'll call an ambulance, don't worry. They should be able ta' stop tha' labour."

 "No ... no. It ... ahh ... my waters ... broke ages ago."

 "Shit. How long ago did tha' contractions start?"

 "When ... I came back ... Hn ... from my bath. I thought ... it was just cramps ... to begin with but no. ... when I tried to stand ... up to phone the ambulance ... they hit again. I ... fell."

 "Did ya' hurt ya'self?"

 "Don't ... think so. What ... time is it? Rudgar ... is coming later."

 "Don't worry 'bout tha' right now." Eric soothed, seeing that Sascha was distressed.

 Alan spoke then. "There was ... just a knock at the door. It's ... probably him. Let him in ... and phone the ambulance."

 "Okay." Eric rushed downstairs and Sascha screamed again, another contraction hitting him.

 "Hand ..." Another scream. "Hold ... my hand."

 "Okay." Alan sat against the wall at his side, holding it and Sascha squeezed his hard, beginning to cry from the pain.

\------

 Eric opened the door, pulling his phone out. "Is Sascha ready for our date?" Rudgar asked, smiling brightly, a box of chocolates in hand.

 "He's upstairs. He ... he's in labour."

 "What!? But ... he can't be! He's only 23 weeks! Call an ambulance!"

 "I am now." Rudgar dropped the chocolates to the floor and darted up the stairs.

\----

 Entering the room, he bent down in front of Sascha. "Rudgar ... ahh. I don't ... want you ... to see me like this."

 "It's fine. Don't worry ... about that right now.

 "Why is ... this so painful!? When the ... uh ... little one is so ... small."

 "It's just the contractions. Things will be okay-."

 "No! I ... can't ... do this."

 "You can. The ambulance will be here soon."

 Eric came back into the room. "I've called them."

 Sascha whimpered, hand moving to his clothed stomach. "I ... I need ... to push."

 Rudgar stared at him for a moment, before saying "let me have a look."

 "Ya' know wha' ya' doin'?" Eric asked.

 "There's a lady at the surgery who used to be a midwife. She talked me through it. You know ... I asked just in case."

 "I don't care ... about her!" Sascha glared at him. "Do you ... know ... what ... hn ... to do?"

 "I think so."

 "Think!? Dumme Mutter ficken bastard! Ahh ... don't bother ... looking ... down there. He's coming." He began to push, gripping Alan's hand with almost breaking force.

 He pressed his feet into the ground, a few pants coming from him, before he pushed again. Rudgar bent down further, parting the bottom of Sascha's robe to have a look. After a few more pushes, he said. "I can see his head, you're doing great Sascha."

 Sascha grunted a response and Rudgar moved his hands down. "Okay. Stop pushing for a moment and take a few deep breaths." He received another glare but Sascha stopped pushing, taking a few short puffs instead of the deep breaths.

 "And now a few big pushes."

 The baby came out easily, not being very big and Rudgar held him. "Is ... the baby ... okay?" Sascha asked. He didn't answer, instead eyeing the blood seeping out of Sascha. "I ... feel ... funny." His eyes began to slip shut. 

 Eric noticed the blood too and said "Sash, stay awake okay? You'll be at tha' hospital soon."

 "But ... I ..., Sascha went limp, his head falling onto Alan's shoulder.

 "Sascha!?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This would all be English apart from the German translation. 
> 
> And I just got my time of the month. Now that my friends is karma biting me in the ass!


	89. Baby names.

***Flashback, before Rudgar knew that the baby was going up for adoption***

 A knock was heard on Rudgar's doctor office door, before it was opened. Julie, a receptionist in her sixties walked in. "Hello Rudgar, how is everything?"

 Rudgar placed his coffee down on the desk, before replying. "It is good, thank you. Are you on lunch?"

 Julie smiled warmly. "I am indeed. Thought I'd pop in for a bit. How is Sascha?"

 "He's fine, a bit moody but fine."

 "Oh yes ... I bet his hormones are all over the place, poor love."

 Rudgar nodded, a small smile on his face. "Yes, they probably are. Still, I cannot wait for my boy to be born. Sascha will make a great parent. I am probably more excited than he is about the baby."

 "When I was a midwife, I saw that a lot. The partners sometimes looked forward to the birth more so than the pregnant woman."

 "I'm sure that he will be beautiful, just like my  Sascha."

 "You have never shown me a picture of him."  
Rudgar pulled his wallet from his pocket, opening it and pulling a photograph from inside of it. "This was when he was fifthteen, at a photo booth back in Germany." He showed the photograph and then grabbed his phone and showed a more recent picture.

 "Aww. He's so cute."

 "He is. Makes my heart melt everytime I see him."

 "That's sweet. Is he showing yet?"

 "No, though I cannot wait until he does. He will look so cute with a baby bump."

 "Any baby names?"

 "Not yet." He chuckled. "Though knowing Sascha, the baby will probably end up being called Pancakes."

 "I am so happy for you, just a few months back you were stuck in an unhappy marriage. You never stop smiling now."

 "Yes, I am happy too. I just hope that he doesn't get complications or anything. Can you ... talk me through the birthing process? You know ... just in case?"

 "Of course, dear."

***End flashback***

 Rudgar stared down at his jeans, knees caked in dried blood. After a long wait, the doctor came for him. Entering the hospital room, he quickly made his way over to the bed. Sascha looked up at him and smiled.

 "How are you feeling?"

 "I am exhausted. What happened? I remember feeling ill and then I woke up here. The doctor spoke to me but I was still away with the fairies."

 "You hemorrhaged. Thankfully, the doctors gave you some medicine to stop the bleeding." He brushed Sascha's hair out of his eyes. "I was so worried for you. I really thought that ... I was going to lose you."

 "Nope. I am still here. You are not getting rid of me that easily." He joked, before his face fell. "The little one, did ... he make it?"

 "He lived for just a few moments. I am sorry."

 "Oh. No ... it is okay."

 Rudgar smiled sadly. "He was so beautiful. I am glad to have held him for those moments. Still, how could he not have been with a father as stunning as you? I wish that he could have survived. Would have adored raising him as my own."

 "That wouldn't have happened, you know that."

 "I do ... I just hoped a tiny bit that you would change your mind when you saw him."

 "They wouldn't have let me see him. That is how adoption works. Can we change the subject?"

 "Sure ...."

\----

 Visiting hours were over a short time later and Rudgar made his way back to the hallway, where Alan and Eric were waiting for him. The couple had driven to the hospital, while he had gone in the ambulance.

 "How is he?" Eric asked.

 "He's okay."

 "Good. Wanna' stay at our place for tha' night? Save ya' drivin' back home?"

 "Yes ... I would like that."

 Once in Eric's car, the blonde turned to Rudgar. "So what does ficken mean?"

 "Hmm?"

 "Sascha called ya' a Dumme Mutter ficken bastard. I know wha' tha' other three words mean but not that. Did German in high school."

 "Oh ... yes. He called me a stupid mother fucking bastard."

 He laughed. "Bloody hell!"

 "Yes ... he can be quite fiesty when he is pissed off."

 "Best not ge' on his bad side then. He'd probs chop my bollocks off!" Eric joked.

 "Yeah .... He will be okay, won't he? I mean ... from losing the baby?"

 "He will be. Might take a bit of time but he'll be okay."

 "That's ... good. Thank you for those words."

\----

 On returning home, they found Claude waiting for them. "Where have you been!? I have been worried sick and - wait a moment, where is Sascha?"

 "He went inta' early labour. Lost tha' baby." Eric stated.

 "Oh ... I see."

 "He'll be alright. How's Ronnie?"

 "He's contracted a chest infection. The doctor came to see him around 9pm."

 "Shit."

 "He has been given antibiotics again. Hopefully, he will make a full recover."

\-----

 Everyone went to bed then, Alan not having spoken a word since Sascha had given birth. Once changed into their bed clothes, Eric snuggled up behind him under the sheets. "Ya' okay, beautiful?"

 "No ... I just want ... to go to sleep."

 "What's wrong? Still shaken up?"

 "Sleep."

 "Al-."

 "Just ... shut your fucking mouth!"  
Not wanting to get into an argument tonight, Eric kissed the back of Alan's head quickly, pulling him close. "Alright. Night, Al." Alan sighed angrily but didn't reply.

\----

 The next day, Eric was on a break between lectures. University was now back in session, the strike only having lasted a day. He turned his phone on and within moments, he saw a few missed calls. The phone rang again and he saw that it was a call from Alan. He answered it.

 "Hey."

 "Eric ... can you ... please come home."  
He could hear the panic in Alan's voice.

 "What's tha' matter?"

 "I ... can't do this. Just ... please get back here. Please ... I .... I'm begging you."

 "What's wrong?" 

 "Get here ... now." 

 "Alright. I'll be back ASAP." He heard a sob, before Alan cut the call. Wasting no time, he left the campus and got in his car. The next lecture didn't matter, not when Alan needed him so badly.


	90. But he will just not understand.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feels man.

 Eric was home within ten minutes and quickly looked in the living room. Alan wasn't there, so he raced up to their room. He threw the door open and found Alan rocking back and forth on the bed, fingers gripping his hair. The brunette looked in a state of absolute panic and Eric knew exactly what the matter was. The voices were tormenting him again.

 Moving over to the bed, he sat at Alan's side, speaking softly. "Al ... I'm here now, okay?"

 Alan shook his head, before tugging at his hair sharply. "For ... how much longer? Before ... you're gone too."

 "Wha' do ya' mean?"

 "I ... I - get out of of my head!" He bent forward, head now between his knees. "Shut ... up!"

 Eric scooted closer, rubbing his back softly. "Come on, talk ta' me."

 "I'm sick of ... my friends almost dying. Why do ... people have to die, Eric? My ... family. Why did they - why did dad have ... to watch his friends die in combat? If ... they hadn't of died, dad wouldn't have ... gone off of the deep end. I don't want anyone else to ... die. But Ronnie ... he's going to, isn't he? That's ... what the voices keep saying."

 "I don't know, Al. All I know is tha' he's tryin' his best ta' pull through."

 "I just ... want things to ... go back to the way they ... were before."

 "I know and so do I but we jus' gotta' make tha' best of tha' current situation."

 "Make the best of it?! No ... I can't. I can't ... deal with this ... situation anymore. Everyone ... is going to die soon. Ronnie ... Claude ... you."

 "No. Stop listenin' ta' tha' shit. They are wrong. I ain't goin' anywhere."

 "How would you know?! You'll be ... fine one minute and then ... dead the next. It's so sneaky ... it'll just creep up on you ... and I won't be able to ... stop it." A giggle was pulled from him. "It's like a fun ... fucking game of cat and mouse!" And then a sob. "I'm ... really losing ... it this time."

 "No, ya' not. Come and give us a hug, okay?" Alan looked up, before sitting up properly and nodding. Eric's strong arms wrapped around him. "Ya' not losin' it. Last night was jus' really stressful. It's jus' taken a bit of a toll on ya' is all."

 "You ... really think so? The ... voices - Jacob and dad - will leave me alone again ... soon?"

 "Yeah. Jus' give it a few days."

 "O ... okay. I wish ... they weren't so loud." He rummaged in his pocket, producing an xacto knife. "I found this ... in my art supplies. Can you ... hide it away for a few days?"

 "Urges real bad?"

 "Yes. The ... voices keep telling me to. I would have ... if you hadn't of come home."

 "Well ... I'm always jus' a phone call away, babe. Never be afraid ta' phone me."

 "Thank you. I ... I'm sorry for dragging you ... out of uni."

 "Ya' will always be more important ta' me than anythin'. Don't ever forget tha'. Do ya' wanna' go and visit Sash in a bit? Bet he's bored out of his mind."

 "Okay ... sure."

\-----

 Just over an hour later, Sascha had asked to speak to Alan alone. Once Eric had left the room, Alan sat down next to his bed. "Is everything ... okay?"

 "No, it is not."

 "I really am ... sorry for your loss."

 "It is ... okay. I just feel so guilty for not getting to the hospital on my own. The little one could have had a brilliant life but because of me being stupid, he died. I should ... have thought that it was contractions sooner, not just cramps."

 "No ... you couldn't have known ... for sure. Please don't ... blame yourself."

 "I never accepted him inside of me. Looks like my body felt the same. Poor child."

 "I'm ... sorry."

 "But that isn't ... all that is upsetting me really."

 "Then ... what is?"

 "I am a bad person. He died and all I feel is relief, that I don't have to be pregnant for another three months. I am selfish and heartless, you know?"

 "No, you're not. Don't ... say things like that. Sash ... bad things happened to you. No one can blame you ... for feeling like that."

 Sascha studied the window in the room. "There ... was just - what is the phrase - a disconnect I suppose. He never felt like ... my child. Just something that was shoved into me and made to grow. I felt like one of those female cows made to be pregnant. Why kind of parent ... thinks like that?!"

 "Everyone ... finds being pregnant a ... different experience. I mean ... you got assaulted and stuff. No one will judge you for ... thinking that." He shifted to sit on the edge of the bed. "Hug?"

 "Please." He snuggled up to Alan. "I think ... that Rudgar wouldn't understand. That ... he would hate me for thinking that. Sometimes ... I wonder if he gets me at all. Maybe we are not good together."

 "I ... don't know about that. Maybe ... try to tell him how ... you're feeling?"

 "He will be mad. He wanted to raise this child, of course he would not understand."

 "I used ... to think the same about Eric. That he'd hate me for ... what I thought and felt but ... I was wrong. At least ... I have been so far."

 "So you think that I should tell him?"

 "If you can ... yeah."

 "Okay. I guess I will not know if we will work out unless I tell him this one thing. Thank ... you, Al."

 "It's ... okay."

\------

 Claude came into Ronald's hospital room after he'd left work, to find Ronald sweating badly. He looked completely out of it and when Claude pressed his hand to Ronald's forehead, he felt that his fever had gotten worse. The antibiotics weren't working.


	91. Funerals.

 Claude's worry over the antibiotics soon faded, as by the night, Ronald's fever had broken and he looked a bit better. He spent most of the next few days fast asleep, his infection having drained the little energy he had had. It saddened Claude somewhat, not being able to see those bright blue eyes.

\----

 Sascha was now home, though the doctors had advised plenty of rest and nutritious food. That meant that whenever he came downstairs, Eric would guide him by the shoulders back to bed again.

 Rudgar came into the room, tray of soup in hand. "I hope that you didn't make that." Sascha joked. "It will taste of mouldy socks."

 "It's from a can, don't worry." Once he had eaten the soup, Rudgar spoke again. "We need to sort out the funeral. Do you want a burial or cremation?"

 Sascha slammed the tray down on the bedside table. "I do not care! Why are you always bringing it up!?"

 "You wanted to give him a proper funeral."

 "Because ... he deserves one. Now drop it!"

 "Sascha please, we need to sort out putting our child to res-."

 "Stop calling him that! He wasn't your child and ... I don't want to think about any of this anymore. Why won't you just let me leave it in the past?!"

 "You can stop thinking about it once we have sorted -."

 "You just don't understand!! You never will! I ... want you gone. From the house and from my life."

"Wha-?"

 "Get out, you arsehole."

 "No ... not until you tell me what I do not understand." The softness of his tone surprised Sascha, as did Rudgar sitting on the bed and pulling him close. "I cannot understand things which you have not explained to me."

 "But ... you will hate me if I tell you."

 "I could never hate you." Sascha took a deep breath and began to tell Rudgar the same as he had told Alan. Rudgar looked at him for a while, before sighing. "I had no idea that it was affecting you so badly to be pregnant. I mean, I knew that you weren't happy about it but I didn't realise that it was so troubling for you."

 "So ... you don't think that I am heartless?"

 "No. I told you that I never meant it. I was just upset about not being able to raise the child."

 "We ... shouldn't be together anymore."

 "What? Why not?"

 "Because you ... obvious long for a child and I will never want one."

 Another sigh. "It is you that does not understand this time. I have never really wanted children either but how could I not love him, when he had some of you in him?"

 "You are just saying that. I saw your expression when he kicked. You want children so very badly."

 "No. I wanted that child but it wasn't to be."

 "So ... you wouldn't want a family in the future?"

 "You are enough of a family for me. I would never pressure you into having another baby. I'm sorry if it came across that I cared more about having children than I do about you."

 "But ... will you be happy living life without one?"

 "How could I not be? You make me so happy, Sascha, I love you so much."

 A small smile appeared on Sascha's lips. "Thank you, Rudgar. I love you too. It is a relief, you know? I was so worried about how you would react."

 "Don't be afriad to tell me anything. Somethings I cannot understand first hand. I am not trans nor have I carried a child but I will always try to understand and I'll always be here if you need to talk."

 "Thank you."

 "Do ... you want me to take care of the funeral?"

 "Please. I'd ... like a burial but I'll leave it up to you."

 "Burial it is. Can I ask one more thing and then I'll shut up about the whole situation?"

 "Erm ... okay. Yes, that is fine."

 "What would you have called him? I don't want to keep calling him just baby at the funeral."

 "Isn't it obvious?"

 "Nope."

 "I would name him after you of course."

 Sascha thought he saw Rudgar blush sightly. "That ... is so lovely of you."

 "You are welcome. Would you ... be able to buy me a new binder? My old one is all stretched now."

 "Of course. Colour?"

 Sascha grinned. "Yay! Black please."

\----

 Eric returned home early again the following Monday. He'd missed a lot of lectures and had had to call in sick for work, as Alan was still suffering from really bad psychosis. He'd only just caught up with his work a week and a half ago and was now falling behind again.

 As he was about to enter the bedroom, he heard a crash and quickly the door was thrown open. Alan was standing in front of the broken mirror in their room, before he crumpled to his knees. "I ... don't want to ... see you. Go away. Jacob ... leave me alone." His fingers dug into the carpet.

 Eric was by his side in three quick strides, kneeling down next to him. Alan's knuckles on his one hand were bloodied and he looked at Eric in horror on realising that he was next to him. "No ... no. Leave me alone!"

 He didn't, instead pulling him into a hug. "It's alright, Al. Ya' safe."

 "No. No one ... is safe. Not when he's here."

 "He's not." Eric shifted to pick Alan up, taking him downstairs. "Let's ge' tha' hand looked at."

 "No! Put me down! He's ... going to come and hurt me!"

 "Nope. Jacob's locked up, remember?"

 "He ... is? But ... he was right there ... next to me in the mirror."

"It's jus' in ya' head. He won't ever be gettin' out."

 Eric sat Alan on the kitchen table, moving to grab some antiseptic wipes and bandages. "Ya' 'ave started seein' them again, haven't ya'? Not jus' hearin' them?"

 Alan nodded. "I'm ... so scared. Do you ... remember before ... when it happened?"

 "Back in Bradford? Yeah ... I remember."

 "I don't want to ... get bad like that again. Or the ... way I was before ... Ronnie was hurt. I still can't ... forgive myself for stabbing you."

 "Ya' won't ge' tha' bad again. Jus' keep fightin' them." He picked up Alan's hand and wiped the blood away, studying the wounds carefully. "I don't think there's any glass stuck in here. Can ya' move it properly?"

 Alan flexed the joint. "Yes. I can't feel ... any glass in it."

 "Good." He bandaged his hand up. "How can I help ta' take ya' mind off of tha' voices?"

 "I ... Umm." Alan got off of the table and walked into the living room, rummaging in the cupboard. He produced a playstation game. "Can ... we play this? It ... was Ronnie's."

 "Man tha' game's old now."

 "It is. Ronnie ... brought it before we moved in here. We played it a lot before he got ... hurt."

 "Let's play then. Ya' hand gunna' be alright though?"

 "I'll manage."

 "Did he get his PS fixed though? Didn't Claude step on it?"

 "Yeah ... Claude brought him a new one."

 "Ah." The playstation was found and set up, before the disk was placed in the slot. Once on, Eric was amazed by Alan's gaming skills. "Man, ya' good at this."

 "Ronnie ... taught me. Even ... with a bad hand ... I'm not terrible at it."

 "Surprised ya' haven't pissed ya' pants. These monsters are scary."

 "I'm used to it now. They ... are just CGI. Ronnie told me that too."

 "Still fuckin' nasty lookin' shit bags."

 "They don't scare me ... now. Humans are ... the real monsters, Eric.".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the UK, a baby of 24 weeks or more has to be buried by law. Under that and it's the parent's choice.


	92. We have lost our beautiful angel.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claude learns a Grim life lesson; someone who means the word to you can be taken away in a blink of an eye.

 "Ronald!" Claude shook his shoulder, seeing that his heart rate was decreasing rapidly. He'd just lost consciousness. This was no normal black out seizure. "Wake up! Please. Not again." The monitor showed a flat line again and the room filled with medical staff.

 Claude was told to leave the room, where he paced anxiously up and down the hallway, the minutes ticking by slowly. Agonisingly so. 

\------

 Eventually, the doctor came to speak to him. "How ... is he?"

 "I ... am sorry, Mr Faustus. We were unable to revive him."

 "Then keep trying!"

 "I'm afraid that we have done all we can for him."

 "No! He ... can't be gone. He ...." Claude collapsed to his knees, sobs ripping through him.

 He doctor knelt at his side. "I really am sorry for your loss. Would you like to see him before we take him out of the room?" Claude swallowed and nodded, the doctor helping him to his feet. Once the medical staff had left the room, he walked in and over to the bed.

 His heart pounded in his chest, sorrow consuming him. Ronald's ventilator had been taken away, his arms limp at his sides. Still, he looked at peace. Claude wiped the cold saliva from the corner of his mouth and then took Ronald's hand in his own. "But ... I wasn't ready to lose you. Not you." His knees buckled for a second time. "Please ... take me instead. Not him. He ... he's too precious. Ronald, please wake up! Please ... come back. I ... I cannot live without you."

\-----

 He gave Ronald one last gentle kiss and left the hospital, shaky hands taking out his phone. He dialed Eric's number. A deep, rough voice sounded on the end of the line. "Hey. So ... if ya' phonin' me, doesn't tha' mean Ronnie's comin' home early?" There was hope in his voice, though Claude could also hear the nerves laced into it.

 "He ... won't be."

 "Huh? Why? Don't tell ... me tha' his chest has got worse again."

 "He ... passed away ... a while ago."

 "What!? Na, stop pullin' my leg. That's not ... funny even for a grump like ya'."

 "Eric-."

 "Because that's a really stupid joke ta'-."

 "It is no joke!" A sob left him. "He ... has been lost to us." He heard Eric's phone hit the ground and steadied himself against the wall. "Our angel has ... been lost to us."

\-----Time skip.---

 He came home to find Alan crying, sitting at the kitchen table, head buried in his arms. Eric was sitting next to him, a blank expression on his face. _I just ... want him to hear ... me say ... that I love him. Just one more time._

\------7.56pm---

Claude jolted awake, panting heavily, body covered in sweat. He looked around him at the four walls of the hospital room and then down at the bed. "It ... was just a dream. An awful dream." Ronald was looking at him, his head still turned to face Claude as it was when Claude had fallen to sleep. He had heard Claude talking and crying in his sleep and could guess at what he was dreaming about.

 Claude was still crying, as he moved to kneel up at the side of the bed. "It ... all seemed so real. Too real." He lay his head on Ronald's stomach, hand placing over his heart and sobbed harshly.

_**I wish that I could hold y' right now. I would if I could.** _

 "You cannot die. I ... wouldn't know how to live without you. You cannot die any ... time soon, do you understand?!" He looked up at Ronald who blinked a yes at him.

  _ **I don't plan to. I am going to prove these stupid doctors wrong. I'm going to walk again and kick a football off of Eric's head. Y' just wait, babe. I'll be banging y' against the wall. Just gimme' time. With y' here to support me ... I'm never gunna' give up on that.**_

 "You are irreplaceable and ... so very precious."

\-----

 The next day, Eric returned home from university, having not received a phone call from Alan. He hoped that it was a good sign.

 Alan was in the living room, eyeing his finished painting for his next commission. He turned around when Eric came closer to him. "Ohh. Ya' put ya' lip bar back in. Or is tha' a new one?"

 "It's new. I went out today."

 "So ya' feelin' be-." He paused when he saw Alan's neck. "Al ... wha' tha' ...."

 Alan looked away. "I'm sorry. I -."

 "Why are ya' sayin' sorry?" His eyes traced over his inked name on the side of Alan's neck, along with Ronald's and Claude's, which trailed in a zig zag under each other. "That's ... so sweet."

 "I got ... the other side done too." He turned his head, showing off Luna and Sascha's names. Two slanted dates appeared under them on the same line. "Do you like them?"

 "I really do."

 "I just ... wanted something to remember them by ... incase something ever happens. It ... has made me feel a lot better."

 "I'm glad ya' feelin' better, Al. I really like how you've done this tat." He said, referring to the different fonts used. His name being bold and Ronald's having letters that pointed at the end, giving it a punk type look. "Ya' really got their personalities captured in tha' lettering."

 "Thank you ... Eric. I was worried that ... you'd freak out. Think ... I'd ruined my body further."

 "Ya' bodies not ruined, Al. Scars or no scars, ya' fuckin' beautiful." He said softly.

 Alan blushed. "Maybe ... one day ... you'll be able to see ... me without clothes again."

 "Yeah, I'd like tha' but not until ya' ready ta' show me." He pressed his fingers under Alan's chin, nudging it up slightly to kiss him. Alan slid his hands up Eric's chest and the blonde's free hand ran down to squeeze Alan's bum lightly.

 Pulling away, Alan smiled at him. "So ... umm. We never ... did have chance to ... celebrate our engagement properly."

 "True. We got cockblocked."

 "Do ... you want to?"

 "Ya' sure? I know ya' feelin' better but I don't wanna' do anythin' ta' make tha' voices worse."

 "I ... think I will ... be able to handle them."

 "Positive?"

 "Yep."

 Eric grabbed Alan's wrist, pulling him out of the room and making him giggle. "Bed. Now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahaha!!!!!!
> 
> Oh btw this is chap 180 of elan. Thank you everyone who has stuck with it so far!


	93. I'll treat you like the precious gem you are from now on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You daft sod" is the same as saying "You silly bugger". There isn't anything malicious about it.

 Eric grunted loudly, before breathing "Ah ... Al. Jus' like tha'." Alan had his back to Eric, lifting up slightly before slamming back down onto him, a loud moan being dragged from him, legs hidden under the bed covers.

 The blonde was lying on his back, thoroughly enjoying staring at Alan's bottom. Alan's head fell back, orgasm washing over him. He caught his breath, before moving up and down on Eric again.

 "Al .... hn ... more babe." A few more minutes and Eric was nearing his own climax when he heard Alan sob. "Al? What's wrong?"

 "I ... I'm getting ... really sore."

 "Let's call it a night then, we've been goin' at it for like an hour straight."

 "O ... okay." Alan got off of him, pulling his underwear and jeans back on.

 "Come and give us a cuddle." Alan complied and Eric said "why ... didn't ya' stop when it first started gettin' sore?"

 "Because ... you were enjoying it."

 "Don't mean ya' gotta' keep bouncin' away, ya' daft sod." Seeing that his humour didn't stop the tears from falling, his face fell. "I didn't mean ta' hurt ya'. I'm sorry."

 "I know. This ... is what ... I'm used to doing though."

 "Huh?"

 "Making people ... feel good even ... if it's really painful."

 Pained by Alan's words, Eric held him tightly. "No. Ya' don't do stuff like tha' wi' me. I'm not like tha'. If you ever want ta' stop, stop. If ya' doin' somethin' tha' ya' ain't enjoyin', stop doin' it. I'm not gunna' make ya' carry on."

 "O ... okay. I know ... that. It's just ...."

 "Tha' that's wha' ya' 'ave had ta' do for most of ya' life."

 "Yes. I ... I'm just a hole for people ... to shove ... their dicks into."

 "Stop it!" Alan flinched and Eric lowered his voice. "Ya' not jus' tha'. Not ta' me, and ya' never will be."

 "O ... okay."

 Eric decided that it was best to change the subject. "So I know tha' one of them dates on ya' neck is when we moved in here but what's tha' other one?"

 "When ... we first got together. You ... don't remember?"

 "Nope. I'm surprised ya' do. A lot of shit has happened since then."

 "I'll always remember ... when my life's silver lining came to save me."

 "That's sweet as hell, babe." He brushed Alan's hair out of his eyes. "Ya' need a hair cut again bad ways."

 "I know. I'll ... get it cut in a few ... days."

 "Gunna' ge' tha' pink put back in it?"

 "I'm ... thinking blue ... maybe."

 "Hmm. It'll look gorgeous on ya', babe. Want somethin' ta' eat?"

 "Do we have ... any twinkies left?"

 "We do and it's fuckin' disgustin' when ya' dunk them in ya' milkshake."

 "Nope, it's yummy."

 "Can think of somethin' else that's yummy." He smiled, before kissing Alan deeply.

\------

 The next day, Rudgar came to the house and Eric let him in. Walking to the bedroom, he found Sascha there. "Rudgar, can you please do me a favor?"

 "Of course."

 "I cannot get the top of my binder done up. Can you help me?"

 "Yeah."

 Sascha pulled his cardigan and t-shirt off, his back showing to Rudgar. "Sascha ... what are those?" He said, looking at the slightly raised scars on his back. Looking closer, he saw that they were long and thin, crossing over in all directions and covering the backs of his shoulders, all the way down to the tops of his jeans.

 "What are which?"

 "Those scars."

 "Oh ..." He turned to face Rudgar. "They are from a belt buckle. My so called dad used to whip me all of the time. He's no father to me though."

 "For being transgender?"

 "Yes. He used to say that I was disgusting. Yell at me to say that I was a girl. I never would. He could not break me down so easily. I know who I am, no matter how much others hurt me for it."

 "That's awful."

 "Yes ... well it is in the past. No looking back, you know?"

 "Yeah ... you're correct. Do you have them anywhere else?"

 "My backside and backs of my thighs."

 "Oh."

 "Didnt you see them when I was having little Rudgar?"

 Rudgar shook his head. "I'm was too busy looking at ... well, where he was coming from."

 "What about in the ambulance?"  
"They hadn't got you on all fours, Sascha." Rudgar joked.

 "Oh. You make it sound so kinky." He poked Rudgar in the ribs. "Now come and help me hook this contraption up please."

 Rudgar moved closer, pulling the top of the binder together and snapping the top two hooks into place. "It's a bit tight."

 "It is supposed to be. Flatten everything out, no?"

 "But how do you even breath in it?"

 Sascha grinned. "A hell lot of practice. Plus, it is no big deal, I take it off of a night. I don't mind if you see, as long as others don't."

 "Well you're a man to me, binder or no binder."

 His grin turned to a soft smile. "I know. Anyway, I thought that we were going to see a film. We should hurry or we'll be too late."

 "True. But first." He closed the gap between then. "I must do this." He kissed Sascha, pulling him close. Parting their kiss, he said "now we can go."

\----

 Claude watched as Ronald slept, his chest rising and falling with the aid of his ventilator. Claude bent forward, resting his hand lightly on Ronald's chest again and feeling his heartbeat; slow but steady. It comforted him greatly, just to know that Ronald was still alive. Maybe not for much longer but at least for a short time more and Claude wasn't going to waste even a minute of such precious time. That dream had taught him that valuable lesson.

_I'll treat you like the precious gem you are from now on. I'm sorry for losing my rag with you before. None of this is your fault. It never was ...._


	94. Blueprints.

***That evening***

 "I still feel ... sick." Alan stated, discomfort evident on his face.

 "It's 'cause ya' ate tha' whole box of twinkies last night."

 "But they were ... so nice."

 "Never really liked them. Taste too much like fake sugary shit."

 "Well I do." Alan poked his tongue out at him.

 "Careful. Might bite it off. Still got ring sting?"

 Alan went bright red, before stating "yes Eric, my arsehole ... still hurts. Wait ... didn't Ronnie used to say that?"

 "Ring sting? Yeah. Especially when I hid his lube."

 "When was that?"

 "The first Christmas time here. Think it was boxing day. He wouldn't shut up and kept us awake all night bangin' Claude. So I hid it tha' next day."

 "Oh. But ... they could have just ... you know, licked their ... fingers."

 "I think they were too high ta' figure tha' out. Poor bastard couldn't walk straight for days."

 "Oh ... I think I remember now. Did he bang a pan off the back ... of your head for it?"

 "Yup."

 "That ... was funny. Is it tomorow we have to ... go and find out ... how to look after Ronnie?"

 "Yeah. 5pm."

\-----

 Claude entered the room a short while later, having just gotten back from the hospital. "I have decided to convert the dining room into mine and Ronald's new bedroom. It is going to be too hard of a job to get him up the stairs with his ventilator box. Plus the bathroom down here is larger."

 "Ah. Fair enough." Eric said.

 "I will need to find a plumber to fit a sink in there for medical needs. I just hope that I haven't left it too late to find one."

 "I'll text around and see if anyone knows one."

 "And ... I'll sketch up the plan for the new room ... layout if ... you want me too." Alan added.

 "Thank you both."

 Claude left the room for a bath and Eric got his phone out, sending a message to all of his contacts. 'Does anyone know a plumber we could use? Need one in the next two weeks, thanks. Eric X'

 Five minutes or so later, he got a reply from Darren. 'Yeah mate. Whole family is part of that trade. Dad's a plumber, one brother a builder and one an electrician. I can probs get a discount for you, what do you need doing?'

 'Just a sink fitting in the dining room. We're converting the room so that Ronnie can sleep there when he comes home.'

 Eric moved upstairs and knocked on the bathroom door. "Claude!"

 "What?"

 "Do we need anymore electric plugs fitting in tha' room?"

 "Two."

 "Alright, thanks."

 "So did you find a plumber?"

 "Yeah. I'll sort it, don't worry."

 Darren had text back by then. 'How is the lad? Went to visit him a few days back and he looked in bad shape.'

 'He's getting there. We also need two plug sockets fitting. Are they free Sunday?'

 'Yeah. Should be. Ah good, it'll be nice to see him back home. I'll ask my family and let you know ASAP.'

 'Cheers'

\-----

 Alan and Eric had gone to see how Ronald's tracheostomy tube was taken care of, as well as how the ventilator worked. They would also get to try changing and suctioning the tube before Ronald was discharged.

\----

 The same day, a large delivery arrived while Alan was home. Seeing that it was addressed to a Mr Faustus, the couple left it alone until Claude came back. "So what's in tha' box? Eric asked the moment the elder came home.

 "It is a wheelchair designed for people who cannot move. I don't want him to be locked inside of this house for the rest of his life. At least this way, we can take him out locally."

 "Ah yeah ... good thinkin'."

\----

 It was now Saturday and Claude found Ronald turned on his side, facing away from him. Most of the time he was on his back, though he would sometimes be moved to avoid pressure sores.

 Claude moved over to the other side of the bed so that Ronald could see that he was present. The boy was awake now and his eyes shone with happiness at seeing Claude there. Claude kicked his shoes off, before going back around the bed and pulling the covers back. Sliding into bed, he pulled them back over the two of them and placed an arm gently over Ronald’s waist, kissing the back of his head.

\-----

 A few hours later, the blonde was on his back again, the bed having been raised slightly for suctioning. Claude frowned when he saw Ronald's heart rate go up significantly, which never normally happened during this routine. He then noticed the careless way in which the suction tube was pulled from Ronald's tracheostomy. Ripped from would be a more fitting description.

 The bed was lowered again and the nurse left the room. Claude looked down at Ronald, seeing tears trickling down his face. "Did she hurt you?" One blink - yes.

 Claude let out an angry sigh. "Bloody woman. I thought that the staff here were meant to know what they were doing." He took Ronald's hand in his own but within moments it tensed, his body going into convulsions.

 Claude quickly turned him on his side, opening his mouth and cursing the nurse for upsetting him so much that he was now suffering a seizure. After a few moments, vomit leaked from his mouth and onto the bed. Claude checked that their wasn't any lodged in his throat, before rushing to find a different nurse.

\-----

The night came and another nurse was suctioning Ronald. It would usually only be done once daily but Ronald still recovering from his chest infection meant extra mucus build up. As she pulled the catheter out, she noticed blood mixed in with the secretions. Claude's worry and anger only grew.


	95. Paint play.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit of elan crack.  
> Also Sascha feels.

***Sunday***

 Claude had been told that the blood was nothing to worry about, unless the volume increased. When the doctor was told about what had happened, he had stated that the catheter had probably been pushed in too deeply and irritated the inside of his trachea. No wonder the poor boy had been in pain and Claude had demanded that this nurse was not to touch his fiancé again.

 Claude was currently home, telling Ronald that he'd be gone for a few hours while the plumber and electrician came. They were there at 11am and gone for 1pm.

 Alan had also drawn up the plan for the room, with the bed close to one of the electrical sockets. A new wardrobe for Ronald's clothes and a cupboard for medical supplies would be brought shortly.

 As Claude was about to leave the house, Eric asked "so are we gunna' decorate this room? Don't think Ronnie will like boring brown walls."

 "You do make a good point."

 "Wha' colour do ya' think?"

 "I'll leave it up to you and Alan. Make it unique."

 Eric grinned. "I was hopin' ya' would say tha'."

\------

 Half an hour later, Eric was on his laptop. "Hey Al, wha' do ya' think of this?" He pointed to a picture of Ronald's football team's logo. "How 'bout blue and white stripes or somethin?"

 Alan looked at the picture. "That blue ... is a bit dark. What about ... we paint it all light blue and ... I'll paint the logo above the bed?"

 "But wha' about the other three walls?"

 "Well not much can ... go on the one with the window but ..." He moved to place his hand on the wall opposite the door. "I have a good idea for this one."

 "Ohh ... I like tha' sound of tha'. Let's go and ge' tha' paint before tha' shops shut."

 "O ... okay."

\-----

 Eric and Alan were now in the dining room again, having brought light blue and yellow paint, which Alan wanted to use for the ceiling though he wouldn't say why. They both had a brush in hand, covers lining the room and covering a small table that they had brought into the room.

 "Eric ... why are ... you only wearing boxers?" Alan asked, clad in an old pair of pjs.

 "'Cause I ain't got any old clothes. I gave them all ta' charity."

 "Oh." Alan smiled, before pulling the bristles of the paint brush back and then releasing it, spraying specks of paint all over Eric's chest.

 "Hey ... that's not nice, Al." Before he had a chance to reply, Eric had painted the end of his nose.

 "Eric!"

 He smiled. "Ya' started it." He went to paint Alan's cheek but the small man ran off, tripping over the floor covers and landing in a heap at the side of the table. Eric was over to him quickly, kneeling down, dropping his brush and flipping Alan onto his back. "I've got ya' now." His hands slid under Alan's top, tickling his sides.

 "Ah ... no ... not the tickles ... again." Alan gasped between giggles, free hand grabbing onto the table cover and pulling sharply. The paint tray ended up spattering paint all over Eric's back.

 "Thanks, Al. Made a right mess." He bent down to suck on Alan's neck.

 "Not ... yet ... no."

 He pulled back to look at Alan. "In here?"

 "It's not ... Ronnie's room yet."

 "But ... we can't even ... get lube until the paint on us has dried or we'll ruin the house."

 "Spit."

 Eric smirked. "Ya' so naughty, babe."

 "Just don't ... give me ring sting again."

\-----

 Half an hour later, the paint had been smeared all over Eric's back, the blonde now thrusting gently into Alan, cover over the both of them. The door opened, Claude eyeing the both of them. "That would hardly be considered painting." He grabbed his grinder from his pocket and left the room.

 Eric looked back down at Alan, who appeared more tomato now than human. "Well ... at least that's pay back for all tha' times we've walked in on them." Alan shot him a glare.

\-----

***Tuesday***

 Funeral over, Sascha knelt down and placed a teddy bear on the grave. He'd only wanted him and Rudgar there. Sitting back on his heels, he spoke softly. "I ... am sorry little one." His shoulders shook as he stood back up.

 "What are you saying sorry for?" Rudgar asked.

 "For ... not people able to love him. For ... not being able to ... give him life."

 "It was not your fault Sascha and you cannot help the way that you feel."

 "But ... I should have felt something for him. Instead ... I feel nothing. What is ... wrong with me?"

 "Nothing is -."

 "Yes there is! It's like ... I am cold hearted. There ... has to be something wrong with me. Why can't I just be normal!? Just ... love him. Why am I wired all the wrong way?!"

 Rudgar pulled him into a hug. "There is nothing wrong with you. This whole situation has left you shaken, it is normal to shut off somewhat. To feel numbness."

 "No ... I am just heartless." He began to sob.

 Rudgar rested his chin on Sascha head."I'm sorry. What I said to you is still upsetting you?"

 "It ... hurt me ... so much. It's still hurting ... too badly."

 "I ... never meant it. I'm so sorry."

 "It doesn't matter! Once you ... say something, you can't unsay it. The damage is still there even if you are sorry. Sometimes ... words hurt more than broken bones."

 "Then listen to my words now. If you were heartless, you wouldn't be crying your heart out, would you?"

 "I ... don't know."

 Rudgar looked up. "It's starting to rain. Let's get you back home."

 Sascha nodded and wiped his eyes. "It's always rains in this ... country."

 "I know. It's awful."

 Back in Sascha's room, Rudgar snuggled up to him, finger playing with lock of hair. "Are ... you feeling any better now?"

 "A bit, though I could do with a beer."

 Rudgar smiled. "You little boozer.".

\-----

 Later that day, Eric had just gotten home from university, when his phone rang. He frowned when he saw that the call was from Claude. He only phones when something bad has happened.


	96. Code blue.

 Eric took a shaky breaty and then answered the call. "What's happened?"

 "Nothing? Why would you assume such things?" Claude asked.

 "Because ya' never phone unless somethin' is wrong."

 "Well there is nothing wrong. Ronald is doing well today and seems in good spirits. I am just ringing with some news."

 "Oh?"

 "Ronald will be coming for a weekend stay this Saturday and Sunday. Though I am not happy that carers will be in my house for all of that duration, at least he will be home. "

 "That's awesome! Why are carers stayin' over though?"

 "To make sure that we are able to care for Ronald properly. They are trained in tracheostomy care."

 "Ah, okay."

 "This means that his room will have to be ready for Saturday afternoon."

 "Yeah, don't worry, we'll ge' it done."

 "Thank you. I am going over to Sebastian's house tonight so I'll be late home."

 "Ya' not jus' goin' ta' buy coke, are ya'?"

 "No, of course not. I haven't touched that stuff since me and Ronald became an item again though I thank you for your concern."

\-----

 Once the call was ended, Eric headed up to his room and found Alan crying, with his head stuck in the pillow. "Al, what's wrong?"

 Alan turned onto his side to look at Eric. "I think ... that I need to ... go back to the psych unit."

 "Wha'? Why?"

 "The ... voices are so loud today. They are too loud and I ... can barely even hear you talking."

 Eric got on the bed, scooping Alan into his arms. "Wha' are they sayin?"

 "Nothing. It's ... just a crazed laugh. Feels like ... the devil is inside my ... head. Can ... you drive me to the ... hospital?"

 "No."

 "Why ... not? I'm ... losing my fucking mind here."

 "'Cause I don't want ya' ta' go. It's selfish of me ... but I want ya' ta' stay right here next ta' me."

 "No ... I'm the selfish one."

 "Huh, how?"

 "For wanting to go ... when I know Ronnie ... will be home next week. I know this but ... I'm scared of it. That ... I'll do something wrong and kill him or something."

 "Don't think like tha'. I've seen ya' at tha' hospital and ya' know wha' ya' doin", jus' like when ya' had ta' put his nose tube back in. He's in good hands wi' ya', trust me."

 "O ... okay.'

 "If it makes ya' feel any better, Ronnie's coming home for tha' weekend and some carers are gunna' make sure tha' we know wha' we're doin'."

 "He ... is? That's ... so nice. Eric?"

 "Yeah?"  
"I want you to be selfish ... in that way. At least ... then I know that you ... still want me."

 "Always will. So we gotta' finish Ronnie's room for Saturday."

 "Oh ... yeah. I'll grab my ... paint brush. Might help ... distract me."

 "Yeah should do. Is anythin' else botherin' ya?"

 "Sunday ... when you tickled me, could you feel my scars?"

 "I was too busy concentratin' on tha' adorable giggle of yours. I won't do it again if ya' don't want me to."

 "No ... as long as you couldn't ... it's fine."

 "Alright."

\-----

 A few hours later, the black batman logo was painted numerous times on the ceiling in different directions and dotted around randomly. The football logo covered most of wall above where the bed would do. "So wha' we doin' wi' tha' main wall?" Eric asked.

 "I ... want to ... cover it in pictures of the family. I think ... it would make Ronnie happy."

 "But we don't even 'ave many pictures of him?"

 "No ... but I'm sure that ... Claude will have some on ... his digital camera. We will have to get them printed and stick ... them up."

 "Ah yeah, good thinkin' batman."

\----

 That night, Claude didn't come home until a little after eleven. "How's Sebastian?"

 Claude turned to face Eric. "Overwhelmed."

 "Oh. Is Adrian still as bad as when I saw them last week?"

 "He's incredibly sickly in appearance. Fell to sleep as soon as I got there. Apparently he'd only just gotten out of bed. I fear he hasn't long left."

 "Shit."

 "Yes, I fear for Sebastian's well being also."

 "He ... will be okay in time, they both will."

 "I hope strongly that you are correct."

 "Yeah .... Do ya' have tha' digital camera? We need it for tha' main wall in tha' room."

 "I will leave it out for you tomorow morning."

 "Alright, thanks. Will ya' be cuttin' back down ta' two work days when Ronnie's back?"

 "No."

 "Why not?"

 "Because I have to pay off a debt."

 "Eh?"

 "Sebastian loaned me some money and I wish to pay it back to him. If Adrian's condition worsens further I have no doubt that Sebastian will leave his work to be with him in his final days. I wish him not to be without funds."

 "Ah. Well then we'll 'ave ta' sort out a schedule for who looks after Ronnie and when."

 "Yes. Thank you for your ongoing support. I am going to bed. It has been quite a hectic day."

 -----

 The next day, Eric came home to find that Alan had had his hair done. "Umm ... Al? I thought ya' said streaks, not ya' whole head." He said, gesturing to the bright electric blue Alan's hair now was. It had also been cut a little shorter and the top was spiked slightly.

 "You ... don't like it?"

 "Hell yes I like it. It's givin' me a fuckin' boner. Ya' look hot as hell." He closed the gap between them and kissed Alan's jawline, speaking between pecks. "So hot. Hn ... gorgeous. Jus' need some thick ... eyeliner ta' go along ... with tha' hair. Fit ... as fuck."

 "Eric stop ... you're making me blush."

 "Nope. Sexy mother fucker." Once Alan's cheeks had flushed completely, he stated

 "Let's sort out tha' photos for Ronnie's room."

 "Okay."

 "I'll ask Grell too. She's a selfie freak; should 'ave some of Ronnie on her phone too."

 "That's a good idea.".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research:  
> Discharge with a tracheostomy tube.


	97. Glances back into happier times.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mainly just a filler chapter but a nice one.

 The next day, Eric returned home from university and found that Claude had left the digital camera out before he had gone to work. There was also a pile of envelops with a note placed on top. 'Ronald brought these home after his father's funeral. He used to look at them quite often. I think some of these being put up will comfort him greatly - Claude.'

 He went to get Alan from upstairs and then began to look through the digital camera.

 "That's ... a nice one." Alan stated, seeing a picture of them both at Edinburgh Castle.  
"Yeah. That's tha' day they got engaged I think. We'll defo use tha' one." They flicked through a few more on the camera to find a picture from the Halloween get together. Everyone was in that picture except for Claude. "I don't even remember him takin' this one."

 "No ... me neither but ... we'll use it."

 Other pictures they chose contained one that Claude had taken of Ronald sleeping, his hair sticking out at messy angles and one of them both cuddled up in bed. There was also one of Ronald holding a football and one with a bag of skittles in hand.

 Eric smiled at Alan. "Never thought Claude would be tha' type ta' take so many pictures."

 "Ronnie likes his picture being ... taken though."

 "Yeah ... unlike you." Eric teased. He flicked back to another album in the camera and said "is this one from after Ronnie was attacked?"

 "I think ... so. He doesn't have his ng tube in ... so it must have been after his stroke."

 "Yeah ... looks like jus' before he had ta' go back inta' hospital."

 Alan looked at the picture of Ronald sat on Claude's lap, a wide grin on his face. "I wonder ... who took this."

 "Probably Grell. Oh ... that reminds me, she sent me over a few pics this morning." Eric pulled out his phone, to show an old picture from college of him and Ronnie. "I don't even remember this one."

 The pictures they chose from Grell were of Ronald looking absolutely wrecked from alcohol, being carried by Claude, a few of him and Grell smiling widely and one of Grell, William, Claude and Ronald all naked on the floor. "I think Grell asked me ta' take this one. Must 'ave been jus' after Halloween." There was also one of Ronald blowing out his candles when he returned home from being assaulted.

 Eric put the camera down and picked an envelope up, pulling the photographs out.

 "Aww ... Ronnie ... as a baby. He's ... so cute." Alan stated, looking at a picture of a small baby in a pair of arms.

 "Yep. Tha' one is goin' up." Finding that the rest of that packet was just baby pictures, he picked the next one up and looked at a picture of two children and their parents. The whole family had blonde hair and blue eyes, the mother's hair being in tight curls. They were all smiling widely in the garden. "They look so happy. Must 'ave been jus' before Rachel got ill."

 "Yeah ... and his parents look so young. They must have had them ... in their early twenties."

 Finally, they had all the photographs they needed, including some of Rachel and Ronald, as well as some when Ronald was about to finish high school, not long after his first round of seizures had begun.

 Camera and phone in hand, the couple went to get the photographs printed. They decided to have the group photograph blown up and placed on the middle of the wall. The picture of Ronald in an ugly Christmas jumper and one of Alan and Ronald was also printed from Eric's phone.

 In an hour or so of returning, all of the pictures were stuck to the wall with double sided tape. "Looks brilliant." Eric stated.

 "It really does."

\-----

 The next day, Claude came straight home from work, having brought some flat pack furniture. Entering the room, he looked around. "Do ya' like it?" Eric asked.

 "This blue ... matches his eyes perfectly. It is ... marvelous. Thank you both."

 "Ya' welcome. Let's ge' this furniture put up then."

 Once the wardrobe and large cupboard was put up, Ronald's batman figurines were placed on top of it and his clothes moved to the wardrobe. A set of drawers was also erected and more clothes placed in there.

 They then went about dismantling the bed from upstairs and putting it back together in the room. Once checked that it was still working, the bed was made and a batman blanket placed on top.

***Friday***

 Sascha came home from the hospital, having learnt how to suction. "How ... did it go?" Alan asked and Sascha pulled a face.

 "I am not so good with snot or sick, I never have been."

 "Ronnie was sick?"

 "No, it was me. I threw up in the hallway afterwards. I do not have a strong stomach for things like this."

 "Then why did ya' want ta' go in tha' first place?" Eric asked.

 "Because I want to help."

 "Yeah ya' can but the three of us can handle tha'. He only needs it doin' once or twice a day."

 "Oh ... okay. That is really a relief."

\----

 That night, Rudgar and Sascha were in the living room having dinner. "Sascha ... I've been meaning to ask you, do you want to move in with me?"

 Sascha almost choked on a piece of pork. "No ... I don't."

 "Why not? Are you unhappy being with me?"

 "No, it is not that. I ... just like being here. I don't want to leave until I know that Alan is going to be okay and ... I want to help them ... to look after Ronnie."

 "Oh, okay."

 "Sorry."

 "No ... it is fine."

 "Move in here."

 Rudgar frowned. "What?"

 "Move in here with us. I'll ask Claude and I hope that he will agree to it."

 "Are ... you sure?"

 "Yep. Plus you haven't even met Ronnie yet. He is such a sweetheart. He was so nice to me when I first came here, welcomed me into the family straight away."

 "If that is what will make you happy, I'll do it."

 "Yay!"

\----

 Saturday came and Claude was back and fourth from the hospital, taking the medical supplies, a ventilator and suctioning machine back to the room and placing them near to the bed. The wardrobe, drawers and cupboard were on the side the door was at, the sink in the corner on the other side of the bed to the machines.

 The three went to the hospital and Ronald was lifted by the nurses using a lifting machine into the wheelchair, a portable ventilator strapped to the back of it. Ronald was coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May be a while before the new chapter is posted. I'll see how I feel after my friend's funeral.


	98. Carers and seizures.

 A short while later, Ronald was wheeled into the house. "When are tha' carers comin'?" Eric asked.

 "They should be here shortly." Claude replied.

 As Alan was about to shut the door, he saw a women get out of the car and walk up the garden path. "I think they're here."

 The lady in her early thirties smiled at them as Alan let her in. "Hello. My name is Karen and I'll be with you during the day for the weekend. I'll be here to answer any questions and to help you look after Mr Knox."

 "Cool." Eric stated. "But call him Ronnie. Mr Knox makes him sound old. Ain't tha' right, mate?"

 Ronald blinked a yes at him. _**Damn straight.**_

 "Come on, let's show ya' ya' room."

 "It is downstairs, isn't it?" Karen asked.

 "Yeah. We proper decked it out for him."

 Claude wheeled him down the hallway and Eric opened the door for them. The furniture of the room had been painted black a few hours after being put up, with a yellow batman logo on it. There was also Ronald's team's football anthem now painted around the logo on the wall.

 "So I'm guessing you're a batman fan, Ronnie?" Karen asked, smiling softly.

 "He is, yeah. A football lunatic too." Eric bent down in front of Ronald and saw that he'd started to cry. "I hope those are happy tears, mate." One blink. _**Y' did all this just for me ....**_  
Eric wiped his tears away."Good. We got somethin' else ta' show ya'."

 Claude moved the wheel chair close to the photo wall. Ronald's eyes scanned it, landing on a picture of him and Rachel. "This is my fave." Eric said, tapping on a picture of Ronald on the potty. _**Haha, y' bastard, putting that one up.**_

 Once Ronald was lifted into bed and his bedside ventilator attached, Karen asked to speak to Claude alone, to make sure that all the paperwork for her stay was in order.

 Lifting him had proved difficult, as Ronald couldn't support his own head. Therefore, Claude had had to put one arm under his legs and use the other to support behind his head.

 He and Karen walked into the kitchen. "Can I get you anything? A drink perhaps?"

 "Black coffee please."

 "Certainly. Please take a seat." Once boiled, the coffee was served and the paperwork completed.

 "So you are his partner?"

 "Yes."

 "And the other two gentlemen his friends?"

 "That is correct.

 "Well it seems that he is in very good hands. Do you have any questions to ask me?"

 "Just one. Will I be able to bathe him?"

 "Yes, that will be fine. You will just have to find a table or chair to place at the side of the bath for the ventilator and make sure to cover it with a towel so that it doesn't get wet. How about feeding? Do you understand how to do that?"

 Claude nodded. "We have been feeding him in that way for almost two years, ten months of that being through his peg. I think we all have a good grasp of his tracheostomy care too."

 "That is good. Is he due his next meal soon?"

 Claude glanced at his watch. "Now actually." He stood up and walked to Ronald's room, Karen following. Washing his hands in the sink and drying them, he moved over to the cupboard and pulled out the feeding tube and syringe. He then grabbed a pouch of liquid meal.

 "So he is fed every two hours according to my brief, does he have half of that? It is just so I know what to do incase you are away from the house. I am here to help you as much as possible during these two days."

 "Thank you but it will not be required. I and Ronald both prefer for just his family to look after him when away from the hospital. As for your question, it is a full pouch, though I will give him a ten minute break between each third."

 "Oh. He has those every two hours?"

 "No. These are two times a day and then a small bottle the other times. He usually has them around 9am and then every two hourly until 9pm, so that he has a few hours to digest them before bed time."

 "Oh."

 "It is a must. 4000-5000 calories a day or his weight will just continue to drop."

 Karen laughed softly. "I wish that I had as fast a metabolism as Ronnie."

 "Yes. Though hopefully he will be prescribed more once he is discharged. His weight fell too much a few months ago." Karen scribbled down some notes. "Are those to be presented to the hospital?"

 "Yes. They will want to know that you are ready to take care of him full time but it is nothing to worry about. I'm sure you know his needs better than the staff there."

 "I see." The bed was raised slightly to prevent Ronald from getting any reflux and Claude bent down to kiss the side of his mouth. Seeing the disappointment in his eyes, Claude said "my mistake." He bent down to kiss him on the lips, before attaching the tube to his port and flushing water through.

 Ronald was then fed the first third. Once fed, Claude cleaned and put away the equipment, before grabbing a chair for Karen.

 Getting in bed next to Ronald, he raised the bed further with the remote and helped Ronald to rest his head against his shoulder. "Is someone getting sleepy?" He asked, seeing Ronald's eyes slipping shut. He blinked a yes and Claude decided to lower the bed again, turning him on his side and snuggling up behind him.

 Half an hour later, Ronald woke up and within moments, began to seize. Claude sat up to rub his back, whispering encouragements softly to him. Getting out of bed, he waited for his seizure to end before checking his mouth and seeing that he hadn't been sick this time. "I assume you know that he has epilepsy?"

 "Yes ... it is on his medical chart. Doesn't say how often Ronnie has them though."

 "It depends on if he has a fever or is stressed. The past few days they have decreased back to about three a day."

\-----

 Meanwhile, Eric came into the kitchen to see three empty beer cans in front of Sascha. "Ya' tryin' ta' ge' pissed?"

 "No. It will take a lot more beer to get me drunk. I am just trying to get my nerves away."

 "Wha' ya' nervous 'bout?"

 "I want Rudgar to live here but I must ask Claude first."

 "Ah. He still scares ya'?"

 "No ... but I am nervous for his reaction. I'll be so sad if he is to say no."

 "Want me ta' ask him?"

 "You would do that for me?"

 "Of course. I'll go ask now." He headed to Ronald's room and Sascha took another swig of beer to aid the nervous churning in his stomach.


	99. My poor angel.

 Eric came back into the kitchen, Sascha having just opened his fifth beer can. "He said it's fine. Tha' he was glad tha' someone else can buy tha' food shoppin' now."

 Sascha smiled widely. "Really? Oh, I am so relieved! Don't you ... buy the food shopping also? You have a part time job, no?"

 "Yeah but it goes on lookin' after tha' car."

 "And buying lube."

 "Haha, true tha'. Now tha' Rudgar's livin' here, I don't wanna' walk in on ya' bangin' in tha' livin' room. Seen tha' enough ta' last me a life time."

 Sascha's face dropped. "We haven't ... done anything yet. Not even a hand job."

 "Oh ... shit, sorry."

 "No ... I want to. I just worry about falling pregnant. The pill didn't work for me last time. Maybe it was a missed dose, I am not so sure."

 "Jus' double up if ya' worried 'bout it."

 "Hmm ... yes. I am thinking of getting one of those copper coils to go along with the pill. I don't want to use condoms with him."

 "Yeah, fair enough."

 "But still ... I am nervous."

 "Don't be and if he loves ya', he'll wait."

 "Did ... you have to wait a long time with Al?"

 "Yeah. Three years but I'd be wi' him even if we never did do it."

 "Ah ... that is sweet of you. Do you think Rudgar will be any good in the bedroom?"

 Eric smirked. "I dunno, never done it wi' him. When ya' ge' it on, ya' can tell me."

 Sascha giggled. "Of course. I will write a report and all that."

 A chuckle left Eric, before he left the room, the door having just been knocked on.

\-----

 7pm came and Ronald's leg was lifted, the nozzle of a mini enema being emptied into him. Due to his paralysis, he was unable to go to the toilet on his own. This would have to be done every two days from now on. 

 Waiting a few minutes, he was lifted and placed in a commode chair, which had been delivered when the door was knocked earlier.  
Claude helped him to rest his head back against the back of the commode and wiped Ronald's tears away. "I know that it is not comfortable but it will be over soon."

  _ **Yeah, that's not what I want y' to shove up my ass.**_

 Once done, he was moved back over to the bed and his bottom wiped, before he was changed into his pjs.

\----

***9pm***

 Ronald jerked violently against the bed covers, his spams being intense again. Tears began to fall once more. "Are they causing you pain?" Claude asked. He was given one blink as a reply.

 He scooped him up in his arms, letting the side of Ronald's head rest against his shoulder. "I am sorry but you are not due anymore paracetamol for a few hours."

 Ronald's muscles tensed up, his head jerking back. His partner cupped a hand behind it, helping to steady it. _**Wish this would just stop. It's ... so fucking painful**_.

 "Have you asked the doctor for some medication for the spasms?" Karen asked.

 "He's been on every one possible. Some don't work and most of them make him sick. The same with all different kinds of painkillers."

 "Oh, that is an awful shame."

 Thinking that listening to a conversation may help to distract Ronald from the pain, he asked "have you been in care long?"

 "Yes. I have always wanted to go into it."

 "Oh? May I ask why?"

 "My brother fell out a tree when he was young and broke his neck. Was left paralysed from the neck down. He passed away when I was twelve from pneumonia."

 "I am sorry for your loss. The doctors have warned me that Ronald is at risk of such an ailment. What time does your shift finish?"

 "10pm. Me and the other carer are doing twelve hours each."

 "I see." At that moment, Ronald tensed again, sick running from his mouth and onto his shirt. "Oh, my poor angel." Claude whispered sadly, before kissing the top of Ronald's head. He lay Ronald down, standing up to grab some wet wipes and a clean shirt.

\-----

 The next morning, Eric was looking after Ronald while Claude popped over to Sebastian's. This carer, Pamela wasn't as nice as Karen, being quite miserable. Or as Ronald thought, one moody fucking bitch.

 "Where is Mr Faustus? I must speak with him." Pamela said.

 "He's at a friends and then is goin' food shoppin'." Eric replied.

 "Well don't you think that he should be here? I must take notes on all of you."

 "No. His friend's partner has stage four cancer. He needs support." Eric said bluntly.

 "Oh ... I see. Sorry."

 Ronald would be grinning if he could. No, he'd have thrown something at her by now if he was able. _**That told y', miserable sod. What's y' deal, not gettin' any back home? Wait, neither am I .... Fuck.**_

\----

 Claude had brought a change of clothes, so that this carer wouldn't smell the weed on him, as he puffed away in Sebastian's living room. He didn't want anything bad being written on her report.

 "Cookie?" Sebastian asked, offering the plate to Claude.

 "No thank you. You have been baking?"

 "Yes. I need to keep myself busy while Adrian sleeps or I shall lose my mind."

 "How is he?"

 "He has been quite unwell since the chemotherapy began again. The doctor had to prescribe him some anti - nausea tablets."

 "Have they helped?"

 "They have. How is Ronald?"

 Claude sighed. "He is doing so - so right now. It just pains me to see him suffering like this."

 "You ... are not thinking of trying to end it again, are you?"

 "The thought has crossed my mind; Ronald doesn't have much quality of life now. I have been tempted to disconnect his ventilator and let him pass but he seems determined to fight on. So fight I will let him."

 "Hopefully he will begin to improve soon."

 "The doctors have deemed that unlikely. They have told me that he isn't expected to live much passed thirty, though I will be amazed if he makes it even a year."

 "Yes, I know the feeling."

 "But Adrian's condition is not your fault."

 "You are still blaming yourself?"

 "I will never be able to forgive myself for all the pain that I have caused him."


	100. Discharges.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 100. Let us celebrate. Comments appreciated. 
> 
> Happish chapter. Plan to celebrate on chapter 102 with something, as it will be chapter 200 altogether.

 Sebastian had told Claude to take a shower, so that he didn't stink the house out on his return. He stepped out of the cubical, drying himself off and getting changed. As he passed the main bedroom, he heard Sebastian talking, voice filled with panic.

 "Adrian! Wake ... up. For the love of God, please just wake up!"

 He pushed the door open, to find Sebastian on the bed next to Adrian, shaking his shoulder. Looking up at Claude, he said "I tried to wake him to see if he wanted breakfast but I cannot rise him. Adrian! Come on!" He shook him harder and finally Adrian stirred.

 He grinned sleepily. "Hmm ... I'm awake, Bassy."

 "Thank goodness. I couldn't wake you up."

 "You know that I have always slept ... like the dead."

 Sebastian choked on a sob. "Oh Adrian, you must stop with such awful jokes. They really aren't ... funny at a time like this."

 "They aren't? I thought ... they were hilarious. Now stop crying and give me a big, fat hug."

\-----

 Claude returned home, after popping to the supermarket before closing. Eric was in the kitchen, Sascha and Alan keeping an eye on Ronald.

 "I brought this for Ronald, hopefully you can use it." He pulled out some chocolate mouses and chocolate milk, as well as a packet of oreos.

 "Yeah. If I crush them up enough they should go through the tube."

 "Good, because his next feed is due in twenty minutes."

 Four of the oreos were crushed into almost powder form with a rolling pin and blended with a few spoonfuls of mouse and copious amount of milk. "I'll go and show Sash how ta' feed him."

 "That is fine."

\----

 Eric moved up the stairs, Karen now being back on shift. He showed Sascha how to feed Ronald, having already given him half of the container. "Do ya' think ya' can do tha' rest?"

 "I will try."

 "Jus' remember ta' go slow."

 "Oh yes, I will."

\-----

 The rest of the day, the house had many visitors, including Luna and Alisha, Darren and company and Grell and William, all having been told that Ronald was back for the weekend. Karen had a good time chatting with everyone, not having had much else to do.

\---

 Ronald was discharged on the following Wednesday, sooner than expected, his family having received a good write up by both carers. He'd been weighed on a special sit down scale and his weight had actually increased to 102lb. Claude had been correct, Ronald's calories having been upped on his return home.

 They had set up a routine. Claude would wake Ronald up around 6am, give him a feed an hour later and spend some time with him before going to work. Alan would look after him until Claude returned home. Claude would then take care of him until 9pm, when they would go to bed, while Eric slept. Ronald's last feed had also been moved two hours forward to support this.

 Eric would then keep an eye on Ronald while he and Claude slept, from 9pm until 2am, where Sascha would take over until Claude woke up again. This was just incase he began to seize again; they didn't want to risk Ronald's condition deteriorating once more. Rudgar had agreed with his partner, Ronald was indeed a sweet young man.

\-----

 Alan was cuddled in Eric's arms, when he suddenly let out a scream, gripping his hair and tensing up. Eric had seen enough seizures during the past few years and began to worry if Alan was having one too. "Al? What's wrong?"

 "That ... laugh. Ah ... shit. No ... it's too loud."

 Eric's hand moved up to sooth the back of his hair. "It'll pass."

 "No ... it - for fuck sake, shut up!" He began to gasp for breath.

 "Al, calm down." He helped Alan to sit up straight. "Deep breaths, okay? That's it. Now out."

 As Alan began to calm down, he dropped his hands from his head. "I ... won't let them beat me. I said ... that I wouldn't slip up and I meant it. Hurting ... myself will solve nothing."  
"That's tha' spirit. You'll jus' make things worse in tha' long run, even if cuttin' makes ya' feel better for a lil' bit."

 "I know. But I won't. They ... won't win."

 "Yup. Tell them where ta' go."

\-----

 Rudgar moved his stuff in the following Sunday, though he had paid the rent for the rest of the month on his flat already. As Eric helped carry his things in from the lorry, he asked "I thought ya' had a car?"

 "Motorcycle."

 "Aww ... that's badass, man. Taken Sash for a spin on it yet?"

 "No, but I do plan to."

 "Sweet!"

\----

***A month later.***

 Eric had been there for Alan during his episodes and so far Alan had stuck to his guns, having refrained from purging or self harming.

 Claude came out of work, his phone ringing as he got into his car. "Hello?"

 "Claude."

 "Sebastian, what's wrong? Is Adrian okay?" He asked, hearing the other's voice tremble.

 "He ... he...."

 "Sebastian, spit it out. Please."

 "The chemotherapy has worked. I ... cannot believe it. He ... he's going to be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next installment of elan: Eric loses his rag and someone gets thrown onto a table.


	101. Wha' tha' f**k did ya' do tha' for?"

***Two days later***

 "Shut up! Leave me alone!" Alan shouted, sliding down the wall. "Just leave me alone!" He felt a pair of hands sliding up his leg and flinched. "No! Just ... fuck off!"

\-----

 Eric came back from university and entered Ronald's room, ipod docking station blasting music. Sascha looked up at him and smiled.

 "Where's Al?" Eric asked.

 "Oh ... he said he wasn't feeling well. I think he's in bed but he did the suction thing before he went."

 "Ah ... okay." _Not feeling well in what way though?_

 He quickly left the room, moving upstairs to his bedroom. Opening the door, his eyes went wide. The room was completely trashed from top to bottom, drawers ripped out, bedside table thrown over and lamp smashed against the opposite wall.

 Making his way further into the room, he saw Alan cowering in the corner. He heard a crunch and looked down, to see his football trophies from high school smashed on the floor. "Alan, wha' tha' fuck!? Why did ya' fuckin' smash my trophies!?"

 The brunette didn't answer and Eric made his way over to him. "Alan." He looked up and flinched, backing further against the wall. "Why did ya' smash my God damn trophies, eh? Wha' 'ave I ever done ta' ya'?!"

 "Please ... don't hurt me. I - please."

 With a sigh, Eric slid down the wall next to him. "No ... I'm not gunna'. Wha' happened?"

 "I keep ... seeing them. Feeling their hands all over me ... again. I just ... got so mad at them."

 "So ya' trashed tha' fuckin' room?"

 Another flinch, Alan eyeing Eric fearfully. "I ... didn't mean to. Your trophies - I ... I'm so sorry."

 A deeper sigh. "Did ya' hurt ya'self?"

 "No ... I wanted to."

 "But ya' took it out on tha' furniture instead?"

 "I'm ... so sorry."

 "As long as you're not hurt, I don't care 'bout tha' trophies, not really."

 "Really?"

 "Yeah. It's jus' a bit of glass. I still 'ave my memories from them. It's okay. Ya' mean more ta' me than they ever could."

 "Oh ... okay. I ... I'm still sorry."

 "Yeah. Next time, jus' phone me."

 "I didn't ... want you to fall behind again. You've only just caught up."

 "Tha' doesn't matter."

 "I wish ... they would just ... leave me be. I'd ... be fine ... if only they would."

 "Ya' probably always gunna' 'ave bad episodes like these throughout ya' life. Ya' jus' gotta' find ways ta' eal wi' them."

 "I don't ... know how."

 Eric smiled at him. "Well ya' can help me tidy up in here for a start. Will tha' help distract ya'?"

 "Yes ... it would."

 Eric got to his feet, extending a hand to Alan. "Up ya' ge' then."

 "Thank ... you, Eric."

\----

***A month later.***

 The second week of June came, with Alan feeling better again. The family had settled into their routine of looking after Ronald, though he still kept getting ill and everyone had noticed that he seemed more depressed than when he had first gotten out of the hospital. Through asking and blinking, they had found out that Ronald was fed up of being stuck in bed, unable to do anything. He also wasn't sleeping at all.

\-----

 The door opened, Rudgar stepping into the house, having gotten his own key cut. Sascha was in the living room with Eric, who was about to head off to bed.

 Rudgar came in, wrapped gift in hand. "Happy birthday, Sascha."

 "Oh ... Rudgar ... you remembered? After all this time?"

 "Of course I did." He bent down to peck him on the cheek. "I'd never forget something like that."

 "It's ya' birthday today?" Eric asked.

 "Yes. I turned twenty."

 "Why didn't ya' tell us? We ain't got ya' anythin', mate."

 "Oh ... it is fine. I didn't want to bother you. Not with Ronnie being poorly again. It is just another year, nothing important."

 "Tha' ain't true. We should be takin' Ronnie out for his birthday next week. Wanna' come wi' us?"

 "Oh. Is it?"

 "Yeah. 14th of June. I'm takin' tha' day off uni for it."

 "That is very sweet of you. Yes, I will come too."

 "Awesome. I'll pick ya' up tomorow after uni."

 "But you just said that we were all going out next week, no?"

 "Yeah but we gotta' ge' ya' a pressie."

 "Oh ... no, it is fine. There is no need."

 "Tough." He grinned. "Ya' part of tha' family now. Ge' used ta' it." Sascha smiled softly and nodded.

\----

***That night***

 "Ronald, please stop crying. I know that you are fed up but being upset will just make you sicker. You need to be well for your birthday." Claude said. 

_**I don't wanna' stop! I'm sick of this shit. Of being ill and having fuckin' fits. I thought being home would help me to get better but I still can't move. Not even having y' around is making me feel better. I just want to give up.** _

 Ronald continued to shed tears, leaking down onto his shirt, as Claude held him tightly.

 Eric entered the room at nine and Claude spoke. "I very much doubt he will sleep tonight either."

 "Ah. Oh well."

 Claude eased Ronald off of him and back into a lying position. "I'll be back in a few hours, Ronald." He left to go sleep on the coach.

 Eric slid in next to Ronald, wiping his eyes and then holding his hand. "Wanna try squeezing my hand again?"

_**Not like there's much point but fine, whatever. We've been trying this since I got home.** _

 He tried to focus on moving his fingers, more tears falling. _ **I ... I'm trying. I really am trying my best but my body just won't work. It's ... completely fucked. I just ... want to be able to smile or move an arm or something ... anything. That's all I want.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So turns out Eric will flip his lid next chapter instead. Whoops.


	102. Chapter 200!!! Whoop. (Celebrations?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first bit of this is just silliness. Not part of the actually story. Eric doesn't know everyone is keeping up with their lives. Just a 200 special edition thing.

***Read chap summary or this bit won't make sense***

_Speech! Speech!_

_Eric stood up, adjusting his suit tie and clearing his throat. "First off, I'd like ta' thank everyone who has been keepin' up with our lives for tha' past five years, almost six, and supportin' us all through tha' time. Mainly bad times ... though there's been some good times too."_

_"I know tha' I've acted like a right prick ta' Al a few times over them years and I don't know if tha' family is any better off than when we first started out. But we'll ge' there eventually. Hopefully ... somehow. So I thank ya' from tha' bottom of my heart again. Woah ... this will be tha' 200th installment. Anyway ... let's ge' back ta' life in tha' Faustus household, shall we?"_

_Clap! Clap!_

 ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

\----Chap 200--- 

***The next day***

 Eric had taken Sascha and Alan out shopping, so that the couple could buy him some more clothes. He didn't have many from Glasgow. It had taken some time to coax Sascha into letting them buy him anything but eventually he accepted.

 "Thank you so much for this. It is very sweet of you both. Spending your savings on me."

 "No worries. Didn't want ya' havin' ta' wear tha' cardigan anymore. It's goin' threadbare. Ain't ya' asked Rudgar ta' buy ya' any yet?" Eric asked.

 "No ... he has been really sweet to me since little Rudgar passed. I did not want to ask him for things like this."

 "I'm sure he'd love ta' treat ya'."

 "Maybe ... but still, I don't want to come off as a cheeky one."

\-----

***The weekend***

 "Eric told me that you don't have much to wear." Rudgar said.

 "Oh. I don't but it is really fine." Sascha looked away.

 "I just thought that you liked that cardigan, I never realised that you barely had any clothes. Let's go out and get you some more."

 "No. There is no need, I am sure."

 "Don't be silly. You know that I'd buy you anything you longed for."

 "Really?"

 "Yes. Can I ask you something?"

 "Anything."

 Rudgar held Sascha's hand. "Would ... me paying for gender reassignment surgery make you happy? Is that something you long for?" Sascha shook his head. "Why not?"

 "Because I was born in the wrong body. No amount of surgery or hormones will change that. Looking different on the outside won't change the sadness that I feel."

 "Are you sure? I mean if you haven't tried hormones -."

 "I know how I would feel, Rudgar! I will never be a born man and that kills me inside, okay!? I feel wrong. Even worse after being with a child. Nothing will be able to change that. I don't want to be cut up and messed with down there to end up just feeling as miserable."

 "I just thought-."

 "Just drop it, okay? This whole conversation is giving me a headache."

 "Okay. Sorry."

 "You see me a women, no?"

 "Of course not. No one here does."

 "K."

 He pulled Sascha into a sideways hug. "You are a man, Sascha. Surgery or not. You'll always be my cute little dumpling."

 "You haven't called me that in years." Sascha giggled. "And even so, you still remember my pet name."

 "I'd never forget it. I love you."

 "Yes, I love you too, even if you act like a prat at times."

 "Yep. I do know how to put my foot in it sometimes."

 "Do you remember what I used to call you?"

 "Yes, of course I do."

 "Romeo."

 "Though I suck at romance."

 Sascha giggled again. "You really do."

\----

***The following Monday***

 Ronald was lifted into his wheelchair, head placed against the specialised head rest, strap pulled across his middle and another two around his wrists. He still had a bit of a cold but everyone thought taking him out would help to cheer him up. Eric connected his portable ventilator up and then wiped his nose. "All ready ta' go out?" He asked.

 Ronald blinked a yes. _**Finally able to go out. Still feel like shit but it might help a bit.**_

\------

 Sascha, Eric and Alan had taken Ronald to the park for a bit and were now heading to a café. On finding one that Sascha liked the look of, they entered and took their seats. Eric pulled out the menu and scanned over it. "Ronnie, want a cake takin' back?" One blink. "Cheesecake is ya' fave, right?" Yes.

 "Oh ... they do oreo milk shakes here too." Alan stated. "Do you want one of those as well?" Another yes. "Okay. Eric what are you ... having?"

 "Cheese sandwich, ya'?"

 "Chocolate .... cake."

 "Should 'ave guessed. Sash?"

 "Fruit cake. It reminds me of stollen back home a little. Hmm ... stollen."

 Eric chuckled. "Don't start droolin' on us now."

 They ordered and half way through eating, two men in their later teens came into the shop, taking their seats at a table behind Ronald and Sascha. "Eh, Rich. Check out that retard."

 "I know. Tell me again why they let people like that out onto the streets."

 Eric knew who they were talking about and clenched his fist on top of the table.

 "Eric. Just ignore them. Don't ... make a scene." Alan whispered.

 The boys continued to mock and laugh at Ronald and Eric looked over the table to see Ronald beginning to cry. "Fuck this shit. I ain't lettin' them upset Ronnie like this." He stood up promptly.

 "Eric, no-."

 Moving to the table, he grabbed one of the men by the collar, lifting them up and aiming a punch at their face. "Fuckin' shut it, ya' cunt! Ya' 'ave no right ta' say things like tha'!" Another punch. "Ya' don't know wha' he's been through! Ya' could be in a wheelchair one day! 'Ave some fuckin' respect!" He slammed the man down onto the table.

 The other stood up. "Not our fault ye' bring freaks like that out into the open!" Eric didn't have chance to reply, as Sascha got out of his chair, punching him in the stomach and kneeing him in the balls. The man quickly fell to his knees.

 Eric turned to look at the man still on the table, bruises already appearing on his face. "Ge' out of here, before I bash ya' face in."

 "Eric. We should leave." Alan stated. "Ronnie's really upset."

 "K. Bring his stuff."

 Alan grabbed the doggie bag with Ronald's cake in and his milkshake and they all left, before the staff could kick them out anyway.

 On returning home, Eric said "Good punch, Sash."

 "Thank you. Rudgar always said that I was a fiesty one. Seems he is right when people upset my family."

 Eric bent down in front of Ronald's chair, taking his hands in his own. "Don't listen ta' them, mate. They don't know wha' happened ta' ya' and they don't know how brave ya' 'ave been for tha' past two years." He then wiped Ronald's eyes with his thumb. "Let's blend ya' tha' cake up." He stood up and left for the kitchen.

  _ **I don't want it . They ... are right. I'm just a stupid ... retard, who's no use to anyone anymore.**_

_**Ugh ... not again.** _

 Alan watched as he began to seize again. "It's ... okay, Ronnie. It'll be over ... soon."

\----

 Claude was angered when told of what had happened at the café and rightly so, as Ronald had suffered three seizures in the past four hours.

\----

 While they were in Ronald's room, Alan and Eric were in the kitchen, Alan sitting on the table. "I just ... feel so bad for Ronnie."

 "I know." Eric stated. "Bastards. Wish I'd of had chance ta' beat them both ta' a pulp."

 "It was ... sort of hot how you lifted that guy up. Getting your strength ... back."

 "Yeah. I've put on 'bout ten pound since ya' came home. Seventy ta' go. Need ta' start goin' back ta' tha' gym, so I don't ge' all flabby."

 Alan ran his hands up Eric's shirt and over his chest. "Yeah, your ... torso is still so ... nice though."

 "Hn ... ya' hands are cold."

 "Sorry."

 "Oh ... I forgot. I got something for ya'."

\----

 He came back into the room a while later, box in hand. "Took me forever ta' find one again."

 Alan opened the box and saw a new necklace, just like the old one he had. "Together ... forever."

 "Yep." He pulled the necklace from the box and put it on Alan. "I mean it this time."

 "Forever and ever and ... ever." The smaller man smiled.

 "Damn straight."

\----

***7pm***

 Claude scooped Ronald up carefully, the blonde's spasms having increased in the past hour. "Please do not let those moronic youths upset you. What they said is so far from the truth." He kissed Ronald's head. "You have been nothing but a courageous young man. I am so proud of you."

  _ **Doesn't matter what y' say, babe. The damage ... has already been done**_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost 2000 words. Longest chapter ever I think.


	103. Eric is capable of good advice? Woah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is confused as to what Claude is hinting at, it's from 'you are the only one for me' chapter 'teach'. I think I spoke of it briefly on elan but not with an age. 
> 
> Depakote - Valproic Acid.  
> Prozac - fluoxetine.

***Almost three weeks later. A Sunday***

 Sebastian could tell from Claude's appearance, as they took their seats in the living room, that Ronald's was not doing well. "Is he unwell again?"

 "Ronald? Yes but it is not that which is bothering me." Claude stated.

 "Then what is the matter?"

 "I think that he has suffered a mental breakdown."

 "How can you be sure?"

 "I am not. However, all he has done the past week is cry or stare off into space. I don't think he has listened to a word I have said to him. What those two said on his birthday has really affected him. He was already depressed to begin with."

 "Yes. It was unnecessarily cruel. Are ... you planning to end it for him again?'

 Claude lit up his spliff. "It is funny you would say that. I was but Eric seemed to know exactly what I was thinking and spoke to me regarding the issue Friday morning."

 "And what advice did he give?"

 "That Ronald has battled through so much already, it would be harsh to give up on him now."

 "He is absolutely right."

 Claude took another drag. "This world has just been so cruel to him. All that he has been through, I am surprised that it didn't break him years ago. Even before being beaten almost to death. With his sister dying and also ... well, you know what I am talking about. When he was thirteen."

"I do, he is indeed brave."

 "I know that. When he began to talk again, it was almost as if nothing at all had caused him pain."

 "You are correct about that. So do you have any plans on how to help him?"

 "His doctor is coming for a home visit. They wanted him to come to the surgery now that he has a wheelchair but I told them that he isn't well enough to go out."

 "With his cold?"

 "Yes and he has refused to go out anywhere since his birthday. He got upset when Eric put him in his chair in order take him out."

 "I see."

 "I hope that they will be able to help or I feel he will be lost to us for good."

\-----

 The next day, the doctor came and prescribed Ronald some Fluoxetine (Prozac) liquid to help with his low mood. 20mg (5ml) was to be taken in the morning with his first meal and then a check up would be needed after four weeks to see if the dose was to be changed. Alan asked Sascha to stay in Ronald's room, while he went to hand the prescription in.

\-----

 Claude came home from work, to find Eric in Ronald's room. "Where is Alan?"

 "He went out wi' Luna when I got home. He'll be back in a bit. Doctor gave Ronnie an antidepressant."

 "I see. How is he?"

 "He threw up a while back and I don't know if he puked some of his Depakote back up wi' it."

 "Did you give him any more?"

 "Na. Jus' incase he hasn't. Didn't wanna' give him too much. He hasn't had a seizure since then though."

 "I see."

 "His tremours have been real bad today though."

 "No different than the past few weeks then." He kicked his shoes off and got into bed, lifting Ronald up and cradling him in his arms, Ronald's head supported in the crease of his neck. "Hopefully you will begin to feel better in the next few weeks."

 He looked at Eric. "Is Alan taking over at nine then?"

 "Na. Still me."

 "Then you should get some sleep."

 "Yeah, I am in a bit. Jus' want some food first."

 Looking back down, he saw that Ronald had been sick again, all down his work suit, the blonde crying yet again. "My poor boy." He said sadly. "Whatever has this world done to you."

 ----

 Once Claude had changed himself and cleaned Ronald up, Eric walked into the kitchen, to find Sascha munching away. "Can ... I ask you about something? It is important."

 Eric smiled at him. "Sure."

 "Umm ... this is a tiny bit embarrassing but how do I ... tell Rudgar that I am ready to sleep with him?"

 "Ya' definitely ready?"

 "I think so. I mean ... I have the coil now and am also back on the pill. I won't know for sure, not until the time but I feel ready."

 "Ya' done anythin' sexual wi' him yet?"

 "No. I mean, he gets boners a lot but doesn't say anything."

 "So ya' jus' gunna' jump right inta' sex then?"

 "Yes. Maybe. We will see. I just need a way to tell him but I am so nervous."

 "Jus' ge' him alone and speak ta' him."

 "But this is the problem. What to say to him, I have no idea."

 Eric thought for a moment. "Then ... text him. I know it's not tha' best way but if ya' too nervous ta' say it, jus' write down how ya' feel."

 "Oh, no. I ... really like this idea. Thank you, Eric."

 As Eric left the room, Sascha typed out a quick message and sent it.

\-----

 Rudgar came home late, having had a meeting at the surgery. He plugged his phone in, as the battery had died at work and turned it on.

\----

 Meanwhile upstairs, Sascha was sitting on his bed. _Oh ... he is home. He never text me back. Oh no ... this will be so awkward. Why didn't he text me back? I didn't ... scare him off ... I hope._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was originally going to give Ronald citalopram but it interacts with depakote.


	104. Straight to the point.

 Rudgar entered the bedroom, having taken his shoes and tie off downstairs. Sascha eyed him nervously. "So I saw the text. 'Rudgar, can we have sex tonight?'"

 Sascha glanced down. "I knew that ... I shouldn't have just written that."

 "Nope, I like it. Straight to the point, huh?"

 "Yes. Why did you never text back?"

 "I'm sorry, dumpling. My phone died at work."

 "Oh. That is okay then. So can we?"

 "If you feel up to it, yes. Ah - no. I don't have any condoms."

 "I got the coil, or did you forget? I'm doubled up."

 "Maybe I thought you'd like to be tripled." He teased.

 Sascha giggled. "You cheeky arse! Just get on the bed already!"

 "How demanding." Rudgar complied, pulling a sitting Sascha close and nibbling on his earlobe.

 "Oooh ... that tickles." Sascha's hands swept up Rudgar's chest, nimble fingers quickly unbuttoning his shirt.

\----

 Once Rudgar was stripped down to his boxers and Sascha down to his underwear, Rudgar asked. "Can I take this off?" His hand rested on Sascha binder.

 "Yes ... that is fine."

 He kissed Sascha's neck, unhooking the binder and pulling it away gently. "Is it okay to touch there?"

 "Tis fine. Just don't call them boobs or anything."

 "How about nip nips?"

 "Ohh. I like that."

 "Hmm. It's cute, just like you." His lips slid down, before resting on his nipple, licking over the sensitivity skin, hands placing firmly against Sascha's back and pulling him closer.

\----

 Sascha was now lying back on the bed, Rudgar kissing over his stomach. Rudgar glanced up at him. "Umm ... where down there do I -."

 "I don't like it up the butt."

 "Ah."

 "Any cute names for down there?"

 "How about." He put on a booming voice. "He who must not be named."

 Sascha laughed lightly. "Oh Rudgar, you are such a nerd."

 "I know." He shifted up to suck on the join of Sascha's ear, hand rubbing over his boxers. After a few minutes, he slipped it inside and Sascha opened his legs. Feeling wetness against his fingers, he rubbed two of them up and down.

\-----

 Sascha's boxers off, Rudgar settled himself between his legs, finger circling Sascha's entrance. Sascha pulled the cover at his side to his mouth, biting down on it.

 His finger slid inside, moving in and out. Looking up, he asked. "I'm ... not hurting you, am I?"

 Sascha moved his head away. "No ... no. I just ... have such a girlish moan."

 "So? Doesn't make you any less of a man to me."

 "You ... want to hear?"

 "If you don't mind."

 "If ... it makes no difference to you ... then I don't mind." He pushed the cover away.

 Rudgar continued his motions. "Feel nice?"

 "It does. But ... umm, can you bend your fingers up a bit."

 He did. "Like this?"

 "Little bit deeper."

 As he pressed in deeper, Sascha moaned.

 "I'm guessing like this then."

 "Uh - huh." His other hand shifted to lick two fingers, before rubbing slow circles on his clit. "Bit ... harder there." Rudgar applied a little more pressure and felt Sascha get wetter. "Hmm ... just ... like this."

 -----

 Over half an hour later, Sascha's muscles clenched, a loud moan being pulled from him. Rudgar pulled his fingers out and licked them, before standing up from the bed. As his hand grabbed the hem of his boxers, Sascha spoke up. "Umm ... Rudgar?"

 "Yes?"

 "Can ... we not tonight? I thought I was ... ready but ... I'm still scared of ... 'that'."

 "Of course. It is no problem." He got back on the bed, pulling the covers over them and kissing Sascha's cheek. "I love you."

 "I love you too, Romeo."

\-----

 Back downstairs, Eric had just woken up for something to eat, before he would go change over with Claude.

 "Do ... you think that the ... meds will help Ronnie?" Alan asked.

 "I ... don't know."

 "I hope so. Because ... nothing like that has ever worked for me."

 "Everyone's different. Maybe it will perk him right up."

 "I really do ... hope so. I just ... want him happy."

 "Isn't that wha' everyone wants." Eric replied sadly. "We all ... jus' wanna' be happy."

\----

 The next morning, before Claude went to work, he measured out 5ml of Prozac and tipped it into the second 60ml of Ronald's first meal. He held Ronald's trembling hand with his free one, lifting it up his mouth and kissing it lovingly.

 Ronald just stared at the wall across from him. _**What good will drugging me up do?! I don't want stupid fucking meds! It'll never help. Nothing and nobody ... can help me now....**_


	105. First times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of rape mention in the second paragraph of the flashback but nothing to graphic.

***Two weeks later***

 Sascha’s leg wrapped around his waist, Rudgar pressing into him slowly. “Does it hurt?” He asked, seeing the tears welling up Sascha’s eyes.

 “Oh … no. Not at all. I just feel a little emotional, that is all.”

 Rudgar placed one gently kiss to Sascha’s cheek. “You and me both.”

\----

***Half an hour later. 7pm***

 Cuddled up in bed, Alan and Eric could both hear Sascha from the spare room. “I hope … he isn’t hurting Sash.” Alan said.

 “I very much doubt tha’.”

 “How do you … know?”

 Eric smirked. “Well, he’s screamin’ harder in German at tha’ top of his lungs.”

 “Oh.”

 “Who would ‘ave thought tha’ someone so small could be so fuckin’ loud. Then again, could say tha’ same ta’ ya’.”

 “I’m not … loud.”

 “Ya’ am in tha’ one certain position, Al.”

 “Which?”

 “Ya’ know which one I’m talkin’ ‘bout.”

 “Nope. You’ll … have to remind me.”

\----

***An hour later***

 “How … can you still pick … me up like that?” Alan breathed, as he snuggled up to Eric back in the bed.

 “Guess goin’ back ta’ tha’ gym has really helped my strength.”

 “You’ve only … been going for two days. That couldn’t have helped … much.”

 “Well … ya’ pretty light ta’ begin wi’.”

\----

***The following Sunday***

 In the afternoon, Eric was lying on the bed, cold beer can in hand. Alan came back into the room, having just taken a bath. Eric glanced up at him. “Fuckin’ hot.”

 Alan smiled softly. “Well you … did mention that you’d like me … to wear eyeliner. I kind of like it too.” He walked over to the bed and lay next to Eric. The blonde placed his beer can on the nightstand, turning over to stroke Alan’s cheek. His fingers slid down to trace the ink on Alan’s neck. He flinched, startling Eric in the process.

 “What’s tha’ matter?”

 “Flashback.” Alan replied, looking panicked.

 “Of wha’?”

 “Dad.” Before Eric could reply, Alan whimpered and began to sob, more memories flashing through his mind. Eric scooped him up into his arms, trying to comfort him with words as best he could.

\----

***Flashback***

 Alan’s bedroom door opened and the thirteen year old boy pressed his face into his pillow, trying to stop his tears from falling. The covers were pulled back and his pj bottoms pulled down. His dad lay on top of him, gun pressing to Alan’s neck. “Now don’t make a sound of I’ll shoot you. Wouldn’t want your mother getting hurt again, would you?”

 Alan remembered back to a few weeks ago, when his mother had found his dad abusing him in the kitchen and had tried to intervene. She’d received a black eye and broken wrist for her efforts. The teenager gritted his teeth, feeling his dad enter him. It hadn’t started this way. A few punches and kicks here and there but the abuse had escalated quickly and this was now a nightly occurrence.

\---

 Alan’s mother, Anne, came into the room a few hours later. She always did, once her husband had fallen asleep at her side. She flipped the covers back, pulling Alan into her arms as best she could with her broken wrist. The teenager was still shaking. “Mom … why does this have to … keep happening? I just … want it to stop.”

 “It will.”

 “What … do … you mean?”

 “In a few weeks, while your dad is out of the house, a long-time friend of mine is coming to pick us up. We’re getting out of here.”

 “Really?”

 “Yes, I promise. I am just waiting for him to be on annual leave; he lives up in Inverness. Just stay strong until then, my little darling.”

 Alan snuggled closer to her. _Finally … this will be all over._

_\----_

 “Get upstairs now!” Alan’s dad shouted. “I want to watch you and your sister fucking.”

 “What … no. Dad … that … that’s sick.”

 “Now!” He pointed his gun at Alan.

 “I won’t! I won’t ever … do that. You freak!” His mom raced into the living room, as Alan shouted again. “I hate you! I … wish you would just die! Just … fucking die!”

 “Alan … No.” His mother whispered.

 His father grinned widely. “Is that so?” The gun was turned and fired. A perfect aim right into the middle of his mother’s head.

 “M … mom!”

 “I’ll be dead … don’t you worry about that, Alan. Along with anyone else.”

 He left up the stairs and Alan quickly followed him, to find his sister Josie waiting in the main bedroom. She’d obviously been too scared to struggle against her father’s commands. “Dad … no. Please … don’t hurt her!”

 Josie quickly scrambled off of the bed, a bullet hitting the headboard where she was sitting just seconds before. His father aimed another shot, striking Josie through the chest and killing her almost instantly.

 Alan began to wail, rushing over to Josie. “Josie, no! No … no … no!”

 “This all your fault! Useless little brat! You get to be alone forever now!” A bullet through his own head sent his body crashing to the floor.

 Alan pulled Josie into his arms. “I … I’m so sorry. Please just wake up. We … we’ll be out of … here in three days’ time. Please … wake up. I’m sorry. I didn’t … mean to make dad … angry -.” The rest of his words were lost to body shaking sobs.

\----

***End flashback***

 Eric had heard everything that Alan had been shouting. His partner looked up at him shakily, his flashback having ended. “Ya’ alright, Al?”

 “I … will be.”

 “Wha’ … triggered tha’ off? Do ya’ know?”

 “Your hands … were cold. They’re … never cold. It … reminded me … of that … gun.”

 “I’m sorry, babe. I didn’t realise.”

 “It’s okay. I’m … okay.” _If only I’d have kept … my mouth shut … for three more day, my … family would still be alive._

 “Ya’ sure?”

 “Yes. I just … never wanted to see … that again.”

 “I know, Al, I know.”

 Alan wiped his eyes, eyeliner staining his cheeks. “But … I can’t keep living … in the past.”

 “Damn straight.”

 “I’ve been … doing so well. I … won’t let … this set me back.”

 “Ya’ ‘ave been doin’ amazingly. I’m so proud of ya’.”

 “I … am too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realised I'd never actually gone into what happened to Alan at home. 
> 
>  
> 
> Next chapter - Claude feels.


	106. Inappropriate questions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Claude feels coming in the next chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 80mg of Prozac can be prescribed in the USA but not normally here in the Uk.

 The next five months passed by quickly, Eric and Alan having both turned another year older. Sascha’s relationship with Rudgar was going well and Eric and Alans also going great. Alan hadn’t had even a tiny slip up in all of that time. The same could not be said for Claude and Ronald’s relationship.

 Claude came to visit Sebastian. A short while into the conversation, Sebastian said. “You look unwell, Claude.

 “I guess that is what stress does to a person.”

 “It would not be so absurd to assume that you are referring to Ronald?”

 “Yes. Yesterday was quite awful.”

 “Christmas day?”

 “Yes. Ronald wasn’t interested in the slightest. I failed to receive even one blink response from him.”

 “But hasn’t it been that way since his birthday?”

 “I was hoping that upping his dosage of Fluoxetine for a second time would have made at least a tiny difference.”

 “Oh? When was this?”

 “A few weeks ago. The doctor has prescribed him 60mg daily now.”

 “It may just not be a high enough dose.”

 “Eric has stated that it is the highest dosage a person can be put on, though I do remember him saying 80mg can be prescribed off licence. All it has done is made him drowsy. At least it has granted a small mercy of putting him to sleep for a few hours a night.”

 “Then why don’t you request a change of medication from his general practitioner?”

 “Many of the other common drugs would interact with his Depakote. Plus, it would take a few weeks to lower his dose and eventually wean him off of it. I already fear the old Ronald has been completely lost.”

 “Oh … I see.”

 “I have thought countless times of just ending his life but those damn words Eric spoke to me still haven’t left my head.”

 “To allow Ronald to keep fighting? To not give up on him?”

 “Those ones, yes. So here am I, hoping for a small miracle.”

 “We both know that miracles do not exist. There is no God to grant them.”

 “I know. Yet … something that could be seen as a miracle did transpire before.”

 “Ronald getting better previously was no miracle. He pushed and pushed until he regained his voice.”

 “Then how would you explain Vincent? He fought on for so long and yet died anyway.”

 “I do not see a blessing not granted in that instance. I see it as modern medicine having an effect on some but not others. Adrian simply responded better to the chemotherapy than Vin. He was simply the lucky one.”

 “And everyone deems me to be the cold one. So tell me this, if you had to pick between Adrian and Vincent to have survived, who would you have chosen?”

 “That is hardly a fair question.”

 “Then let me rephrase that. Who still has the biggest place in your heart, Adrian, ME or Vincent? Who do you love the most?”

 Sebastian eyed him carefully. “Why an earth would you ask such a question?”

 “Curiosity.”

 “Then I choose you.”

 Claude laughed. “Now that is funny.”

 “I suppose that it is.” Sebastian searched for a way to change the conversation. “Let me get you some coffee with a smidge of rum. That should bring some colour back to your cheeks.” He stood up promptly and headed to the door.

 “Sebastian.”

 “Yes?”

 “Skip the coffee and just bring the rum. The whole bottle.”

 “You shall be digging yourself an early grave with so much liquor.”

 “That is fine. At least that way, I will be at Ronald’s side faster once he passes.”

 “You get a glass. One glass.”

 “Fine, have it your way.”

\----

 Sebastian moved into the kitchen, grabbing the bottle from the cupboard. Standing back up, he wavered. A cupboard in the corner of the room was soon opened, one containing old trinkets and fine china. A small box was fetched from the back of it and the lid pulled up. Sebastian stared at the engagement ring meant to be placed on a finger years ago. One that even Adrian didn’t know was still hidden in the house. _No … it is not funny in the slightest._

_\----_

 Meanwhile, Alan and Eric were out doing some Boxing Day shopping. They would be meeting up with Adrian, Grell and Alisha shortly. The blonde caught Alan staring into space. “Al, ya’ alright?”

 Alan was stirred from his daze. “W … what?”

 “I said are ya’ feelin’ alright? Ya’ was proper in ya’ own little word then.”

 “Oh … I’m fine. Edinburgh sure is beautiful around … Christmas, isn’t it?” He eyed the fair across the road in the main park.

 Eric dropped his bag to the floor, not caring for the snow that was probably soaking into it and cupped Alan’s cheeks. “Eric?” The blonde smiled widely. “What … are you looking at? Do I have … something on my face?”

 “No, Al. God … you’re so beautiful. Even more beautiful … than this place. Than of any place or person in this world.”

 “Oh … well … then stare as much as … you want, I guess.”

 Eric kept his gaze on Alan, moving from the bright blue hair down to his tattoos and then across thin, pierced lips and pale, cute nose. Then up to his glasses and piercing hazel eyes, rimmed with black liner. “Absolutely stunnin’. I’m so lucky ta’ ‘ave ya’, Al.”

 “Will you … still think that when I’m all … old and wrinkly?”

 “Of course. Can … ya’ believe we’re both twenty two now? Where ‘ave those six years gone?”

 Alan smiled. “I really … have no idea.” Eric’s lips pressed softly to his. _I’m so … lucky to have you too, Eric._


	107. Destroying everything because I still want you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adrian went back to college September, at the start of the year he'd missed half of.

 Ronald could not and thought that he would never get used to one thing and that was his ventilator. The pressure of oxygen being forced into his lungs. It was involuntary and mechanical. A strange rhythm that reminded him continuously that he was unable to breath for himself. The whole process felt abnormal. Unnatural.

 Suctioning unnerved him also. It wasn't painful (bar one awful experience) but it was uncomfortable. A need to cough but being unable to. And then his ventilator would be reconnected between suctions and his lungs would be forced back into movement. Such an obscure feeling. An awfully odd pressure.

 It pained Claude to take part in this process too. The panicked look in Ronald's eyes, as the ventilator was disconnected and Ronald realised that he was unable to breath. Trach changes just prolonged this frightening experience.

 But that was before Ronald's depression set in and his eyes would instead now fill with hope. Oh how Claude wished to just end his suffering but no, he just couldn't let go quite yet. Not while the memory of Ronald's beautiful smile still lingered in his mind.

 He was lonely though. Oh so lonely, without even as much as one response from Ronald. He felt completely unloved. Unbearably alone.

\----

***Two weeks later***

 It was either a bed robe or nothing for Adrian in bed. Right now, it was the latter, as his bed robe was still to be dried. Sebastian placed tender kisses to the back of his shoulders, arms wrapped tightly around him. He was ecstatic to still be alive, to be able to see his fiancé's face for years to come, instead of a few short months.

\----

***Sebastian's Pov. 9pm***

 That night, there was a knock at the door. Sebastian opened it to find Claude standing there. "I am sorry to be bothering you."

 Sebastian smiled sweetly. "It is no bother in the slightest. I was actually quite bored. Adrian has gone to a late night showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show with his university friends. Why they are screening it, I have no idea. It isn't even Hallow - please do come in."

 Claude entered and as Sebastian turned around from locking the door, he was pushed back against the solid wood, Claude pressing his lips forcefully to his.

 The familiar taste of Weed and alcohol filled Sebastian's mouth, as his lips parted to allow access. _What ... am I doing? You ... still have such a strong effect on me. I ... still love you. Still want you. Why does all sanity fly out of the window when I am around you?_

 Claude pulled away, to lick the shell of Sebastian's ear. "You ... know what that does to me."

 "I am well aware, yes." Claude stated, before his tongue touched skin again.

 "You are about to ruin everything. What about Ronald?"

 "He ... doesn't want me in his life. Hasn't in months. "

 "But ... I ... do."

 "'What about Adrian'?"

 "I ... love you more. As much as it pains ... me to admit it, I don't want you to stop."

 "Then I suppose we will ruin everything together."

 "I suppose that we wi - how drunk are you?"

 "Not even tipsy."

\-----

 Back home, Eric was taking care of Ronald. He had a cold again, so Eric was about to suction his tube for a second time that day.

 Pulling the ventilator away, he realised that he'd forgotten to turn the suctioning machine on. He quickly switched it on and moved back over to Ronald. And then he noticed something startling. Ronald's chest was moving up and down of its own accord.

 "Ronnie ... ya' breathin'."

 Ronald eyed him with disinterest. _**I know. Not that Claude has fucking noticed though. Doesn't make me feel any better... I'll probably always be what those guys called me and if not, if I do get better, I'll still always be seen as a slut. I'll always be a fucking man whore**_.

\----

 "Ah ... now ... that is good." Sebastian breathed, his naked form pressed under Claude's. Claude didn't reply, instead grunting against his neck.

 His nails dug into Claude's back, as he was thrust into harshly. Soon he came, Claude quickly following. He rolled away from Sebastian and lay down on top of the covers.

 Sebastian heard Claude sniff and turned over to face him, as the other began to sob. "God ... what have we done....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to get so much hate for this chapter. I know that already.


	108. Some distant place where I do not belong.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comment sh*t storm on the last chapter. I feel loved! xD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of new Adrian back story.

***Ten minutes before***

 Adrian laughed loudly. "I can't believe we mixed the dates up."

 "We fucked that up." Canterbury stated.

 "Yup." Said Thompson.

 "Sure did." Timber agreed.

 "Tomorow night it is then." Canterbury said.

 Adrian giggled. "Sounds fab."

 "Come on mate, let's drive you back to base."  
\-----

 Sebastian pulled him closer, as Claude continued to sob. "We ... have made ... such an awful blunder."

 Sebastian gulped, realisation setting in. "We ... truly have. A hideous ... mistake."

 "What ... am I supposed to tell Ronald?! What ... are YOU ever going to say to Adrian? This ... is a mess. A complete and utter mess."

 "I don't ... know what I will say. I ... can't ... keep something like this from him."

 "Neither ... can I, I ... don't think. I ... just felt so lonely."

 "I know. I ... understand completely."

 "It ... is not easy to be ignored by the one that you ... love." He received a glare from Sebastian and added "I am ... so sorry that I ... took advantage, knowing that ... you still love me far too much."

 "I was the one who ... dragged you into bed! We are both ... at fault. Me more so. You are already ... on the verge of a melt down and ... I knew that! I have ... hurt you even more!

 "No! I alone ... have once again ... ruined everything." He stood up from the bed. "I am sorry. You will never have to ... see me again."

 He bent down to grab his underwear and the door opened. Adrian looked between the two naked man and suddenly Claude felt very exposed. They'd never even heard the front door open. 

 Adrian let out a manic laugh. Not his usual manic laugh but one Sebastian knew to be made up of blinding anger. He let put a shaky breath, as Adrian opened his mouth to speak. "Couldn't wait until I came home, Bassy? Or have you two been banging behind my back since I got sick?"

 "No ... Adrian, I -."

 "And as for you, get out! Before I put you in a coffin!"

 Claude grabbed his clothes. "Adrian, it was my fault ... no-."

 "Out!"

 He shot one last apologetic look at Sebastian, before leaving the room to get changed downstairs. The man got up from the bed. "Adrian ... I am so sorry. It ... was a mistake, I-."

 "A mistake?! Not with him it isn't! You knew that ... cheating is one of the few things that doesn't amuse me! After my parents split up because of that! You ... knew and ... you just." He shook his head. "Just bloody brilliant, isn't it?"

 "Adrian -."

 He let out another manic laugh, grabbing a luggage bag from out of the wardrobe and shoving a few changes of clothes inside.

 "Adrian-."

 "La La La. Sorry, can't hear you!"

 "Please ... don't leave -."

 "Miss Lucy had some leaches and the leaches..." He continued with the song as he stood up, storming out of the door and down the stairs.

 Sebastian caught up with him as he neared the front door. "Wait! Adr-," his hand grabbed hold of Adrian's long black coat but Adrian quickly pulled himself away.

 He spun around, wide grin of his face. "Touch me again and I'll leave you in a worse state than Ronnie dear." He laughed manically once more. "You'll be like a flattened pancake. Ohhh ... I do like the sound of that."

 Sebastian knew by the tone of his voice that he was deadly serious. With a slam of the door, Adrian left his life.

\----

 Back at home, Eric had just called Alan from downstairs. The blue haired male entered and gasped. "Eric ... why have you left his ventilator off!? Are ... you trying to kill him?!" He rushed over to Ronald and frowned. "He ...."

"Yep. Breathin' all on his own."

 "But we shouldn't leave the ventilator off ... for too long."

 "Al, he's doin' jus' fine wi'out it. He's breathin' through his trach. Don't worry though, I'll take him ta' tha' hospital ta' ge' checked in tha' mornin'." Eric sat on the bed and lifted Ronald up onto his lap. "I knew tha' ya' was a fighter, mate. Jus' think ... soon you'll be runnin' circles around me and you'll 'ave no reason ta' feel so fed up."

  _ **Y' just don't get it ....**_

\----

 At the same time, Sebastian tried the door. Adrian had locked it from the outside and a screeching of wheels was heard outside. "Oh ... Adrian, you know that ... you mustn't drive yet. Not ... for another five months." He turned his back to the door and slid down it, beginning to cry.

 "That ... didn't go so well." Claude stepped out of the kitchen and into the hallway.

 "What ... are you still doing ... here?"

 "I could hear shouting and ... doubted that ... things would ... turn out wonderfully. I ... didn't want to leave you on your own." He took his coat off and sat next to Sebastian. "Take this or you will ... catch your death. It is ... freezing in here."

 "Adrian ... never could stand ... the heating being on." He pulled the coat around him. "I ... have lost him for good." His head leant on Claude's shoulder.

 "It would ... appear so."

 "This ... is just ... such a mess."

 "I am ... so sorry, Sebastian. I have ... destroyed your life ... as well as my own." He pulled Sebastian into a hug, letting him sob loudly. "I am ... just so sorry."

\----

***2am***

 They had moved onto the sofa, where Sebastian had cried himself to sleep. Claude eased himself away from him and grabbed Sebastian's keys from the coffee table.

 Leaving the house and getting into his car, he sped to Hannah's, spending all of his notes on Cocaine and Heroin. His car was started again and he began on a journey, not knowing exactly where he was going but knowing that it would be to some distant place. _If ... I were to tell you, it would probably kill ... you right there on the spot._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brain tumour patients cannot drive for a year once they had finished treatment.


	109. Hello from the other side. I must've called a thousand times, to tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done but when I call you never pick up the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics Adele - Hello.  
> I did change a few words to make it fit better with the story. Seriously though, go listen to it. It's amazing. 
> 
> Yes, I know I used the R word again. No offence to any reader intended.

_Hello, it's me._

_I was wondering if after all these months, you'd like to meet,_

_To go over everything._

_They say that time's supposed to heal ya', but I ain't done much healing._

_Hello, can you hear me?_

_I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be,_

_When we were younger and free._

_I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet_

_There's such a difference between us,_

_And a million miles._

_Hello from the other side._

_I must've called a thousand times,_

_To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done,_

_But when I call you never pick up the phone._

_Hello from the outside._

_At least I can say that I've tried,_

_To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart,_

_But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart,_

_Anymore._

\-----

***6 months later***

 Sebastian had indeed called hundreds, maybe thousands of times in those months. Adrian never did pick up his phone. He had made it obvious by now that Sebastian was no longer welcome in his life. But still, Sebastian would continue to try, a new pet cat the only thing to ease his bitter loneliness.

 Ronald had improved psychically. His cough reflex had come back and though weak, his tracheotomy tube had been removed three weeks ago. It had first been changed for a thinner tube in the hospital and then the end of the tube was capped. After 24 hours of the nurse monitoring his breathing without the aid of his tube, they had taken it out and put gauze and a dressing over the wound. He’d then gone back home and the hole in his throat had closed up quite quickly.

 Some movement had been regained over that month, though not much. He could move his head slightly but still couldn’t support it and could move his arms, though most of that time it would be through spasms. It had started with his facial expressions coming back and a squeeze of Eric’s hand. Yes, he’d improved psychically but mentally, the damage was clear to see. The antidepressants had done little to help him and without a clear reason for Claude’s disappearance, he could only speculate. That news was what had dragged him from his unresponsive daze in the first place.

 Eric had phoned the police but after they had found a store camera recording of Claude filling up on petrol on his card by the border of Scotland, they had done nothing else about it. It was clear that Claude had left of his own accord. Eric was concerned about the mortgage for a while but soon realised that Claude must still have been paying it, as they had had no letters through the door demanding its upkeep.

 They had no idea why Claude had disappeared and even though they had found out a short time later that Sebastian and Adrian had split up, both sides of that previously relationship had stayed quiet about the reasons.

\----

 Eric came home from university to find Alan looking after Ronald in the downstairs bedroom, trying to comfort him. **_Why did he leave me?! After he promised that he wouldn’t after last time. I guess … he believed what those guys said. He doesn’t … want to look after someone like me for all of his life. I’m nothing but a retard and a slut. No wonder … he doesn’t love me. After all of these months, he hasn’t come back. I guess he never will._**

 Ronald pointed with effort over to the picture on the wall of him and Claude, making small whining noises. His arm jerked back and he whined louder. Eric walked over to the bed, lifting Ronald up and sitting behind him, letting Ronald rest his head against his shoulder. “I don’t know where he is, sorry buddy.” Ronald whimpered and Eric wrapped his arms tightly around him, rocking them both gently back and forth. “It’s all gunna’ be alright.”

\---

 Later that day, while Sascha was in Ronald’s room, Alan said “I wish you wouldn’t rock him … like that. He isn’t … a baby.”

 “Al, I know tha’. That’s tha’ only way I can calm him down though. Nothin’ else works.”

 “I guess … that you’re right.”

\---

 Adrian had been living with the triplets since leaving Sebastian’s, having had to have brought some more clothes with his student loan. Not that he’d told anyone about where he was, not even Eric, Alisha or Grell. He hadn’t wanted Sebastian to come and try to speak to him.

 “I’m sorry, mate.” Canterbury said.

 “Our sympathies.” Agreed Thompson.

 “Really sorry.” Timber stated.

\----

 That night, there was a knock at Sebastian’s door. He answered it and gasped. “Adrian … what are you … doing here?”

 “I came to talk, Bassy. What a silly question to ask.

 “Yes … of course, please do come in.”

 Sebastian eyed him, as they both took their seats across the kitchen table from one another. His silver hair was now shoulder length, his fringe back in place. Looking down, he saw that Adrian still had his engagement ring in place. “So, tell me what happened that night.” Sebastian took a deep breath and began to explain. Once done, Adrian spoke again. “So he was the one to start it.”

 “And I the one to continue it.”

 “You’re both as naughty as each other then.”

 “Yes. I am deeply sorry.”

 “I … think that I’m ready to … come home, to forgive you.”

 Sebastian was shocked for a moment. “But … why? After all of this time and after all the hurt that I caused you? You wouldn’t answer my calls and now-.”

 “I didn’t want to ... die without giving you one last chance.”

 “Die … you don’t mean -?”

 Adrian smiled sadly. “Yes. The cancer is back once again.”

\---

***A week later***

 Eric woke up around 3am and noticed that Alan wasn’t in bed next to him. Ronald was, sleeping somewhat peacefully at his other side. Now that his health had improved somewhat, they would all sleep through the night, instead of having one of them watching over him. He slid out of bed and made his way downstairs, finding Alan on the sofa. As he neared, he saw that Alan was staring at his hands.

 “Al?”

 “Blood. Eric … there’s so much blood.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Researched used. Removal of a trach tube and requirements for it. 
> 
> So at least you know why the triplets were saying sorry. 
> 
> Claude focused chapter next. Let's see how far downhill he's gone and where he's at.


	110. There will always be blood on my hands.

 Eric stared at him for a moment. “Blood? Wha’ blood? Ya’ hands haven’t got any blood on them.”

 Alan shook his head slowly. “But I can … see it. Josie’s blood … all over my hands. I can … feel it drying … on my clothes.”

 The seat next to Alan was taken. “When did all of this start? ‘Cause I’ve noticed tha’ ya’ ‘ave been starin’ off inta’ space a lot lately.”

 “Since … I had that flashback.”

 “But … Al, tha’ was months ago.”

 “I know.”

 “Why didn’t ya’-.”

 “Because I thought I could … just brush it off, but I can’t …. There’s blood on my hands. There … will always be blood … on my hands.”

 “No. I keep tellin’ ya’ this. Wha’ happened ta’ them was ya’ dad’s fault, not yours.”

 “That isn’t true … Eric.”

 “It is!”

 “No! You … just don’t understand! We … were so close to getting away and … I doomed them all. Just … three more days.” A few tears slipped down his eyes. “Just … a tiny 72 hours. I’d lasted … for five years. Why … couldn’t I have … just kept quiet … for just a little longer?”

 “Wha’ do ya’ mean three days?”

 “Mom’s friend was going … to pick us up and … let us live with them … in Scotland. I should … have just waited.”

 “There must ‘ave been somethin’ tha’ made ya’ flip tha’ night though.”

 “Yes.”

 “Well, wha’ was it?”

 “He wanted me to … rape Josie.”

 Eric made a disgusted sound. “That’s fuckin’ sick!”

 “I said the … same thing to him.”

 “See. It wasn’t ya’ fault at all. No wonder ya’ got pissed at him.”

 “But … still -.”

 “I really doubt tha’ it would ‘ave ended another way. There’s no way in hell tha’ ya’ would ‘ave ever gone through wi’ rapin’ someone.”

 “I know. Why didn’t … he just shoot me … though?”

 “Don’t say things like that! Ya’ can’t change tha’ past and I’m so … glad tha’ ya’ survived tha’ night.”

 “O … okay.”

 “Lookin’ back isn’t goin’ ta’ help ya’. What’s done is done. Ya’ jus’ draggin’ out ya’ own sufferin’ and ya’ don’t deserve tha’.”

 “But the guilt … will never go away.”

 “Ya’ ‘ave nothin’ ta’ feel guilty for. Ya’ didn’t pull tha’ trigger, did ya’? Ya’ said it ya’self, ya’ dad was drunk tha’ night. He probably would ‘ave flipped anyway.”

 “He … was close to shooting me … that night, before I said … what I said.”

 Eric pulled him closer. “And thank God tha’ he didn’t. Thank God tha’ ya’ still here. Life would be so empty … if I had never of met ya’.”

 “I don’t … think I’d still be here … today if … I’d have not … met you.”

 “I know. I think so too. Jus’ gotta’ focus on tha’ future, okay? We’re gunna’ ‘ave an amazin’ future.”

 Alan wiped his eyes and smiled softly. “We … will.”

\------

 Claude had gone back to Ronald’s home town, though he had no idea why he’d chose such a place. Maybe for the memories. A least one happy memory.

***Past***

 After Ronald’s dad’s funeral, Claude had requested a tour from him of his home town. Partly to take Ronald’s mind off of his sorrow and also so that he could see where his angel had grown up. Tour over, Ronald picked up his football and went back to the local park just down the road from his house. “Play footie wi’ me?” The teenager asked.

 “Yes, though I doubt I will be much good at it.” Claude hated football but agreed anyway, anything to just cheer Ronald up somewhat.

 The ball was kicked over to Claude and he attempted to kick it back to Ronald, the ball instead flying to the far left. “Ya’ call tha’ a kick?” Ronald grinned.

 “At least I don’t not have two left feet.” Claude replied, hinting at Ronald’s lack of ability to dance.

 “Arsehole.” The ball was retrieved and kicked, whizzing past Claude’s head.

 “Are you attempting to decapitate me?”

 “Haha, sorry babe, I nearly took y’ head off there.” Ronald ran up to him, tackling him to the ground and hugging him tightly.

 “Thank you for ruining my new coat with mud, Ronald.”

 “Y’ welcome.” He squeezed him tighter. “Thanks … for y’ know, bein’ here for me.”

 “I always will be.”

\----

***Present. 4am***

“Ah ….” Claude grunted, a man he didn’t even remember the name of riding on top of him, empty condom wrapper lying discarded on the floor. Back to how it had been before he'd met Sebastian, high, drunk and spending every night with a different man.

 He’d saved up quite a sum of money during the ten months that he’d been back at work in Edinburgh and had received a nice end of year bonus too. The debt to Sebastian had been previously paid and as much as it pained Claude to admit it, that saved money was intended to be used for Ronald’s funeral, once he had passed; giving him the send-off that he deserved.

 Instead that money was now being used to pay off his mortgage through direct debit and to rent a seedy one bedroom flat in the town. Of course, a lot of it had also gone on drugs and liquor. The money Ronald had inherited hadn’t been touched though and Claude would be damned it ever would be.

 The man got off of him and left quickly, once his clothes were back in place. Claude rolled over and picked up his phone, his number having been changed within a few days of leaving Edinburgh. He dialled a number that he knew off by heart and listened to the voice mail message, grateful for the fact that Ronald’s phone was still working. Not that that phone had been switched on in years. He would listen to it over and over again each night, just as had he had when Ronald had first gone into a coma. Just so that he could hear Ronald’s voice from before the young man’s world was smashed right out from under him.

_Hey, this is the Ronstar. I'm either eating nachos and can't talk right now or I'm banging y' partner. And yep, I'm a better fuck than y'. Peace out dudes and dudets._

 Claude let a few tears slip, for the first time since he’d abandoned his partner. _Such irony. If only you knew that it was me who had ‘banged’ someone else’s partner._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smashed - remember Ronald's knee caps? Now you do.


	111. Aye aye, captain.

 Adrian’s tumour was small and had been detected early on during a routine scan as part of his cancer aftercare check-up. It didn’t provide much comfort. The word cancer brought his word crashing down around him in a split second the first time. To him, that word had strong connotations with death; terminal illness. To hear that it had come back just solidified it in his mind. He was going to die. Even the doctors telling him that his prognosis was better than last time didn’t change his thoughts on this.

 He was still upset, hurt and angry at Sebastian. How could he not be after such a betrayal? Through it all though, his love for the man had never died. Time felt short and for that reason, though trust was still wavering, he wanted to spend what he believed to be his last months with the man he loved. As he stated, he didn’t want to die without giving Sebastian one last chance. Giving himself a fleeting chance of trying to be happy at his lover’s side.

 He was due gamma knife surgery, a type of radiosurgery, in a few days, which would aim the gamma beams at the tumour. This procedure would only last 20-40 minutes and would be accompanied with just one overnight stay at the hospital. Even with its high success rate, Adrian didn’t hold out much hope. What was to stop the cancer from once again returning and spreading like wild fire throughout the rest of his body? In his mind, nothing, nothing at all.

\---

 There was a knock at the door of the Faustus household and Eric answered it. “Oh, hey Sebastian.” Sebastian hadn’t visiting that house since sleeping with Claude, having instead only been on the phone to Eric a few times regarding Claude’s disappearance.

 “May I come in?”

 “Umm … yeah, sure. Heard ya’ was back wi’ Adrian.”

 “Yes, though I assume you haven’t heard the other news.”

 “Wha’?”

 “Adrian has cancer once more.”

 “Shit. How bad is it?”

 “He requires only minor surgery this time. I may be foolish for being so, but I am quite hopeful.”

 “Ah. He never even mentioned it.”

 “No, he doesn’t like to even think about it. How is Ronald?” The look on Eric’s face said it all. “Oh … his depression has worsened?”

 “In tha’ past few days, yeah. Ya’ sure tha’ ya’ don’t know where Claude went?”

 “I do not, I am afraid.”

 “I jus’ don’t ge’ it. I knew tha’ he was stressed but he knew tha’ he could talk ta’ me ‘bout it, instead of jus’ runnin’ off.”

 Sebastian shook his head. “No … I am certain that this time he was unable to speak to anyone about his troubles.”

 “Wha’ do ya’ mean?”

 A sigh was heard. “Oh … it doesn’t matter.”

 “No. Ya’ obviously know somethin’ tha’ we don’t. Spit it out already.”

 “No … it is not a nice revelation.”

 “So wha’?! Gimme’ somethin’ ta’ tell Ronnie. He needs ta’ know tha’ reason why Claude left him, instead of blamin’ himself. I’m pretty certain tha’ he thinks Claude jus' stopped lovin' him. So tell me already.”

 “Ronald will only become more depressed if he was to know the reason. I suspect that that is the very reason why Claude left. So that he didn’t have to break Ronald’s heart further.”

 Eric shook his head. “Jus’ tell me wha’ he’s done this time.”

 Sebastian wavered, before finally giving in. “The night that he left … we slept together.”

 “Wha!? Ah … tha’ cun-.”

 “It was entirely my fault. He was stressed and lonely and I hate to admit it but I took advantage.”

 “Because … ya’ still loved him, right?”

 “Yes.”

 “So that’s tha’ reason why ya’ broke up wi’ Adrian?”

 “That is correct.”

 “Wha’ a fuckin’ mess. I … can’t tell Ronnie tha’. Argh … wha’ tha’ fuck were ya’ two thinkin’!?”

 “We obviously weren’t thinking at all.”

 Eric said down on the sofa, head in his palms. “Fuck. Fuck! Ya’ complete morons!”

 “I am sure that Claude will return eventually.”

 “Pfft. Wha’ makes ya’ think tha’?”

 “Because even after what happened, he does still love Ronald immensely. He regretted it moments after the event.”

 “Yeah … he better, before Ronnie really does lose his mind.”

 “I should leave. Surely you wish to never see my face for as long as you live.”

 Eric looked up at him and shook his head. “Sit ya’ arse down. Wha’ good will holdin’ grudges do? We … all make mistakes, Claude jus’ has tha’ habit of makin’ them way too often.”

 Sebastian was taken aback. “You wish to still have a man like me in your life?”

 “Friends are for life, not jus’ for Christmas.”

 A chuckle left Sebastian’s mouth, as he took his seat next to Eric. “What a bizarre expression.”

\---

 Two days later, Alan was crying and whimpering in front of the wardrobe in the couples bedroom when Eric walked in. “Wha’ are ya’ starin’ at?” Eric asked, seeing Alan’s gaze fixed on the floor.

 Alan eventually looked up at him. “So … many bodies. I don’t … want to keep seeing this. My mom’s brains … spattered across the living room wall. I … can’t take this.”

 He was lifted up by Eric and carried over to the bed, where Eric began to rock him soothingly. “It’s not happenin’ again, Al, not right now. It’s not real.”

 “I know … I know. It just seems … too real. Why … are you rocking me … like that? I’m … not Ronnie.”

 “Well, is it helpin’ ta’ calm ya’ down?”

 Alan paused for a moment, before saying “it … really is.”

 “Well then.”

 “How … do you … always know what to do … at times like this?”

 “Practice? Trial and error? Step by step plan? A dummy’s guide for how ta’ help-.”

 “Stop taking … the piss.” Alan giggled softly.

 “Never.” Eric kissed the back of Alan’s head. “I love ya’.”

 “I … love you too.”

 “Feelin’ better yet?”

 “Shut up … and just … keep rocking me.”

 Eric smirked from behind him. “Aye aye, captain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a filler chapter sorry. Next will be better.


	112. Poorly again.

 Eric's phone sounded and he excused himself from his lecture. He rang Alan back.

 "Hello."

 "Hey, Al, ya' alright?"

 "I am ... but Ronnie's poorly again. His fever is really ... bad."

 "Has he had any seizures?"

 "No ... not since the ... one this morning."

 "Alright. Phone tha' doctors for him then."

 "That's the problem. They ... haven't got any doctors ... free for a home visit. I've booked him ... an appointment but I need you ... to come and pick us up."

 "When's his appointment?"

 "In twenty minutes ... it was the only one available."

 "Shit!"

\----

 The call was quickly ended and Eric raced out of the halls and onto the car park. He was soon back home and entered the room.

 Ronald was cuddled up against Alan's side. "His breathing is ... really shallow." Alan stated.

 "Damn. He'd only got a bit of a cough last night." Eric quickly walked to the bed and bent down to feel Ronald's forehead. "Shit, ya' right, he's really burnin' up." He lifted Ronald up, the ill man being sweaty and seemingly disorientated. He was soon placed carefully into Eric's car, his wheel chair also being taken.

\----

 He was later wheeled into the doctors surgery and then the room for his appointment. Eric helped to remove Ronald's t-shirt and the doctor pressed the stethoscope to his chest. He'd got another chest infection and the doctor prescribed antibiotics once again.

\----

 That night, Sascha came into Ronald's room. "How is he doing?"

 Alan looked up at him. "He's a bit better. A bad ... cough though."

\---

 Eric finished some coursework and entered Ronald's room, a smile forming on his face quickly. All three men were fast asleep, Ronald snuggled close to Alan and Sascha spread-eagled on the other half of the bed.

 "I didn't have the heart to wake him." Rudgar said from his position on the bedside chair.

 "Yeah, I can see why. Those three as so fuckin' adorable at times."

 "They really are."

\-----

 Another month passed and the gamma knife had proved successful. Adrian didn't even require a combination with added chemotherapy. Still, he felt on edge. Like the dark cloud of a third tumour was looming over him, about to rain sure death down onto him.

\----

 Claude left his flat and headed to the park. Knowledge from his tour years ago took him further over grassy banks and gravel paths, passed a large pond and the farm. He walked around another large pond, once used as a boating lake and took in the nature around him.

 Reeds and old oak trees, Swans and Couts, a Blue Heron and even the rare sight of a Cormorant. Soon pebbles turned to the tarmac of a car park and white lines of road markings. Finally, he had reached the nature reserve and plonked himself on the grass at the side of a canal.

 His back hit the wet strands of green and he sighed. He'd come here every afternoon, before he went out to get drunk and high. He had to get away, at least for an hour, from the smell of sweat, weed and sex that never seemed to leave his flat. It even seemed to cling to his skin.

 To his confusion, his phone rang. He retrieved it, eyeing the bruise around his wrist. How did he get that? Oh ... that was right, someone last night had been a bit rough with him and he'd been too drunk and high to even state that he wasn't one for being thrust into. What was it last night? Cocaine or Heroin? He couldn't remember for the life of him.

 The call was answered. "Hello?"

 "Claude, it really is you."

 "Sebastian?"

 "Yes."

 "How in heaven do you know my new number?"

 "Ah ... yes. Your longtime friend, Grey was it? He came over to your residence last week and found that you had disappeared. How he knew that we used to date or found my number or found your number, I have not a clue."

 Claude sighed. "He is a private investigator, I assume that he has his ways. Now if you don't mind, delete my number and leave me be."

 "No. For some strange reason, Mr Grey believed that I would be able to convince you to return home."

 "Well you can't, I-."

 "He also said something about Ronald giving him death glares when he entered the house."

 "He ... is still alive then."

 "Yes."

 "How is he?"

 "If you wish to know that, you will have to return to Edinburgh."

 "No way in h-."

 "Ronald needs you."

 "He will hate me once he finds out about my infidelity."

 "When has Ronald ever held a grudge against you, even after all of the times that you have left him alone?"

 Claude paused, before saying "never."

 "Then I doubt that he will be unable to forgive you."

 "I cannot forgive myself. He doesn't need a weak man like me in his life."

 "You are quite wrong about that."

 Claude didn't bother to respond, instead ending the call and promptly switching off his phone. _He doesn't need me._

\-----

 It took Claude another two months to finally crack. He had to know of Ronald's condition. Not just Ronald either. He needed to know how Alan was doing and if he had slipped again, how Sascha and Rudgar were fairing in their relationship and if Eric was still on top of his coursework.

 There was a need to be told that everyone was fine. That his family were as strong as ever. As much as he tried to mask himself as a cold man, he really wasn't. Closed off for his own protection and from his upbringing but never cold hearted. Never. Never. He cared. He would always care far much more than he would ever let be seen; cared so much.

\----

 "Al, come here for a minute." Eric said a few mornings later.

 Alan eased himself out from a still sleeping Ronald. "What ... is it?"

 Eric held up an envelope. "This is Claude's handwritin'."

 "Oh. Well ... open it." The two left the bedroom and headed downstairs.

 "Yeah, I planned to anyway before I showed it ta' Ronnie."

 "Incase it says ... something about what happened ... with Sebastian?" Alan asked.

 "Yeah." The envelope was opened and a letter pulled out.

  _I am sorry that I haven't kept in touch since I have been away. I hope that all of you are well? - Claude._

 Alan's brow furrowed. "Is ... that it?"

 "I ... guess so."

 "There's a return address ... look. He wants us to write ... back."

 "No."

 "What?"

 Eric stared at the return address. "He doesn't want us to reply. He wants us ta' go find him and bring him home."


	113. Driving through the night.

The letter was read out to Ronald and his face lit up briefly. _**He ... he's okay. He ... wants to know how we're doing - no, how everyone else is doing. Not me. Not ... someone like me.**_ A few tears slipped from his eyes and Eric lay next to him, pulling him close.

 "Don't worry, mate, we're goin' ta' ge' him back for ya'. Me and all are goin' right now." Ronald pointed to himself. "Ya' wanna' come too?"

 He nodded weakly. _ **I want to see him ... even if he doesn't want me. I just ... need to know why ... he left.**_

 "I don't know, Ronnie, are ya' feelin' well enough?" Another nod. "Well alright."

 "Wait ... Eric-." Alan started.

 "Wha'? He's not been ill in a week so if he's feelin' alright-."

 "Think about it! We ... won't be able ... to feed him properly. We need to wash the ... tube out in between feeds and let it dry. We can't do ... that in a car."

 "Then ... erm ... shit."

 "If ... we go of the night time ... then it will be fine. Can we ... go in the early morning?"

 "Umm ... yeah. Ronnie, tha' okay?"

 He nodded again.

\----

 "So ... if we go so far down tha' A1 and then tha' motorway, we should ge' there in 'bout six hours." Eric stated. "Well accordin' ta' this AA route planner."

 "Sounds good. But ... we need to stay at a service station ... for a bit to catheterize Ronnie."

 "Yeah. About three hours inta' out trip."

 "So ... if we go out about ... 1am ... we will get to Claude's place ... for around seven, half seven with ... the stop."

 "Yup."

 "We ... just need ... to make sure to take everything for ... Ronnie."

 "Hang on. Lemme' ge' somethin' ta' write it down on." Eric grabbed a note pad and pen from the kitchen counter top. "Alright."

 "So ... two or three days worth of catheters, his k-y jelly -."

 "Three days worth?"

 "Just ... in case we can't convince Claude to ... come home straight away."

 "Good point."

 "His urinal container ... thingy."

 "Good choice of words there, babe."

 "You know ... what I mean. Then ... his enemas. I know he doesn't need them all ... of the time now but ... just in case. Feeding tubes and syringes. A lot of pouches and bottles of food. Erm ... I think that's it."

 "Don't forget his medication, Al."

 "Sugar."

 "Anythin' else?"

 "Erm ... oh that pillow we use to support his head. Oh ... and a blanket. Some tissues. A bucket or something in case he's sick. And his wheelchair ... obviously."

 "Okay."

 "Oh and antiseptic wipes and his mouthwash. A few changes of clothes for him too."

 "Ah ... his ipod too, in case he can't sleep."

 "Yeah. Okay ... you go and get some sleep and I'll keep Ronnie ... company until tonight."

\----

 Eleven came around and Eric got out of bed, moving to Ronald's room. "Still awake, buddy?" He came a bit closer and noticed that Ronald was shaking all over. "Man, ya' spasms are really bad."

 A sleepy Alan looked up at him. "I think he's ... just nervous."

 "Yeah. Ya' gotta' calm down a bit or we won't be able ta' take ya'." That statement just made Ronald cry. "Hey ... come on, don't ge' upset." He soothed Ronald's hair. "We want ya' well enough for this trip is all."

\----

 The car was packed with all of the items stated on the pad, plus everyone's toothbrushes and a pack of paste, as well as a few changes of clothes for everyone.

 They'd also brought two extra pairs of pjs and blankets, in case Ronald got too cold or was sick.

 A dressing gown was wrapped over his pjs and he was carried into the car, the special pillow placed around his neck to support his head.

\----

 Ronald hadn't slept at all so far, keeping Alan awake also and it was now nearing 6am. He pointed to Alan's lap. "You can't ... lie down, Ronnie. If the police see you, we'll all be in trouble."

 Eric smirked at him through the side mirror. "Then I'll jus' make sure tha' we don't ge' caught."

 "I ... hope we ... don't." Alan undid his belt and took his pillow away, before pulling him down gently onto his lap. Ronald fell to sleep a short while later and Alan spoke again. "He's ... crying in his sleep."

 "He's probably jus' worried 'bout how Claude's goin' ta' act."

 "True. I hope ... that he won't be in a bad mood."

 "Pfft. Come on, Al. This is Claude were talkin' 'bout, he's always in a bad mood."

\----

 A little after seven, Eric pulled up outside of a block of flats. "Hallam street ... hmm. Al, we're here." Receiving no answer, he looked in the mirror and saw Alan also asleep. Not being able to help himself, he beeped his horn.

 Alan was startled from sleep. "Huh ... yeah ... awake. I'm awake."

 "We're here."

 Ronald was woken up and the wheelchair pulled from the boot of the car. _**This is my old street.**_

\-----

They looked at the block of flats, before opening the door and getting into the lift. Ronald's stomach churned nervously. _**What ... if he doesn't wanna' see me? What ... if he gets angry?"**_

 The doorbell was pressed and after hearing a bit of rustling from inside, the door opened. Claude's expression was unreadable. _**  
**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So cute how Alan and Eric sort out Ronnie's stuff in this chapter. 
> 
> If there's anything else that you think needs taking, let me know and I'll add it on.


	114. I suppose that i owe you an explanation.

 This dream was reoccurring, each time that Claude would sleep, ever since the first day that he had left home. Falling to sleep after listening to Ronald’s voicemail message, sometimes around 5am, normally not until 7, he would have these nightmares; agony in subconscious hours.

 Always the same thing. A knock on his flat door. An opening. Alan and Eric standing there to bring him the news that Ronald had passed away. A slam of the door and a dissolve into tears. Grief. Guilt. Madness. Claude would always wake up sweating and panting, in much the same way as when he had had a similar awful dream while Ronald was still in the hospital.

 He’d made a promise that day to himself that he would never leave Ronald’s side again. Now he was left feeling idiotic. How on earth didn’t he realise that he’d ruin everything once more? In his mind, that was all he seemed to ever do, all that he was good at.

 He had thought that this was just the same dream. That was until the fog of previous sleep lifted and he realised that Ronald was right in front of him. This was no dream. “Ronald … you are … okay.” He took in the circular scar at the bottom centre of his neck. “Your … ventilator-.”

 “Yeah, he had his trach removed months ago. He started breathin’ on his own tha’ night ya’ left actually.” Eric stated.

 “Oh.”

 “So … can we come in?” Alan asked.

 He received a glare from Claude, who was clad only in a pair of boxers. “What are you even doing here?”

 Eric smirked. “Now come on, ya’ didn’t seriously think tha’ we wouldn’t come find ya’ after ya’ gave us ya’ home address. When people run off, we try and ge’ them back.” He received an elbow to the ribs from Alan. “Wha’? It’s true.”

 “That may be the case but I didn’t ask you to come and you are not wel-.” His sentence was cut off by Ronald whining loudly and he looked at him again, seeing his eyes glazing over with tears, his body shaking tremendously. “What were you two thinking, bringing Ronald here when he is so ill?”

 “Well actually, he’s been doing a lot better tha’ past week or so. Not been ill.” Eric replied.

 “And Ronnie wanted to see … you.” Alan added.

 “I see.” Claude kneeled down in front of Ronald’s chair. “I have also missed you greatly.” **Then if y’ think that, why did y’ leave in the first place?!**

 The straps around his wrists and waist were removed and Ronald tried to reach out his arm, before it jerked back painfully. Claude gathered him up in his arms and carried him into the flat. Eric and Alan followed, the blonde pushing the wheelchair and Alan carrying a large bag containing Ronald’s supplies.

 The living room of the flat was a mess, showing off just how much Claude had been struggling to cope. He normally kept the house in pristine condition. Beer cans and empty bags of coke were strewn on the floor and knocked over on the table.

 “He still cannot keep his head upright?” Claude asked.

 “No … not yet.” Alan replied.

 “Bedroom it is then.” Ronald was taken into that room and lay down carefully on the bed. Claude glanced at his watch, before asking “Have you brought his food with you?”

 “In … this bag.” Claude took it from Alan and placed it on the foot of the bed. Walking off into the kitchen area, he washed his hands, grabbed a bottom of water and then came back, opening the bag and getting the contents needed for the feed out. Eric moved to help Ronald sit up, sitting behind him as Claude opened his robe and lifted his pj top up.

 “You look as if you have gained a little weight, Ronald.” He stated, as he connected the tube up.

 “Yeah. Up ta’ 110lbs when he was weighed at tha’ hospital last.” Eric answered. Once Ronald’s meal was complete, Eric spoke again. “Me and Al are gunna’ leave ya’ ta’ catch up. We both know why ya’ left tha’ city but it would be best if Ronnie heard it from ya’.”

 “I suppose that you are correct about that.” Claude said sadly. “Do you have his laminated cards?”

 “No, sorry. His spasms are too bad and he can’t lift his arms up for more than a few seconds at a time.” Eric replied.

 “Oh.”

 “Well … see ya’ later.”

 The couple left the room and Ronald was laid flat again, staring up at Claude with a confused expression on his face. **_They knew? Why didn’t they say something?!_**

 Claude sat next to him and turned his head slightly, so that Ronald could look at him properly. He lifted Ronald’s hand up to his mouth and gave it a tender kiss, before holding it lightly. “I … am sorry for leaving you. It … is not because … I do not love you anymore or because I do not want you, even … though I know that you may think such.” He let out a long exhale. “I guess that … I owe you an explanation at least. It is … just that I know … that it will pain you to hear it. You will probably not want me … around any longer. I couldn’t … tell you before because I knew that … the truth would hurt you greatly.”

**_I don’t care … what it is. I’ll always love y’. Just let me understand. If it’s not because y’ don’t want me … what is it?_ **

 Ronald nodded against the pillow weakly and Claude braced himself, knowing that he was almost certainly about to break Ronald’s heart. To break him completely. “The night … that I left. I … well … I. I’m so … sorry …. I ... slept with Sebastian.”

 The look of sheer horror on Ronald’s face broke his own heart in an instant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guesses for next chapter?


	115. A strange way to chat someone up.

***Six years previously***

 An empty glass of beer was placed onto a cardboard coaster. Ronald was drinking his sorrows away again, the death of his sister still weighing heavily on him even after two years.

 It didn't matter that his father told him not to drink, it was the easiest way he'd found to escape. Not that he understood why his father told him that. He didn't realise and couldn't remember the fact that alcohol could cause his seizures to worsen. Didn't even remember that he was epileptic.

 A small glass of whiskey was placed on the table across from him. "Someone appears lonely."

 Ronald looked up at a tall man with short, black hair. "So wha' if I am? What's it ta' y'?"

 "Maybe I am lonely also."

 "Hell if I care."

 Claude sat next to Ronald, pulling his glass towards him. "You are a moody little child, aren't you?"

 _ **Ah ... he's ... kinda' hot.**_ "No, I'm jus-."

 "It is not nice to talk to your elders in such a way."

 "Y' tryin' ta' pick me up, ain't ya'?"

 "Maybe I am. Are you interested?"

 Ronald raised an eyebrow, before grinning. "Maybe I am."

 A hand was placed on Ronald's thigh. "If you keep being so cheeky and rude, I shall have to punish you."

 "Now I like tha' sound of tha'." He opened his legs further.

 Claude's hand slid up again. "Do you now? How much?"

 "A hell of a lot."

 "I see." It slid up onto his crotch, rubbing his hard on through his jogging bottoms. "Though I would like to go somewhere more private. Your place or mine?"

\----

***Present***

 Alan and Eric were currently in a coffee shop, Alan picking at his slice of cake. "I hope ... that they are okay."

 Eric looked over at him. "Yeah, me too."

 "Should ... we have told Ronnie?"

 "About tha' cheatin'?"

 "Yes. He's ... going to be so upset now."

 "No, we shouldn't 'ave. He needs ta' hear it from Claude."

 "Still, we should go back soon. In case ... Ronnie doesn't ... want to be around him."

 "Give them an hour."

\----

  _ **No! Y' didn't! Y' wouldn't!**_  Ronald shook his head.

 "I am sorry, Ronald ... but it is ... the truth." Claude gave his hand a tiny squeeze, watching as Ronald continued to look at him.

  _ **Y' ... serious. Wasn't I good ... enough for y'?!**_  Ronald made no sound, his gaze only broken by the occasional blink. Once the first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unrelenting stream. Silent, pained and torn up inside.  _ **Tell ... me why! Why ain't I enough for y' anymore!? Because ... I'm disabled or because ... I'm a slut!?**_

 "Ronald, I never -." His words were cut off by a sob from Ronald, before the younger fell apart completely, his sides shaking and breath coming out in gasps from the force of his cries. Uncontrollably, defeaning cries.

 "Ronald please, I still -." He stopped mid sentence when he saw Ronald's eyes roll back, his body beginning to convulse. He screwed his own eyes shut, not being able to bear seeing what he had done to his love. It was just too horrible to witness. Gripping Ronald's hand tightly, he heard gurgling noises coming from him and willed the seizure to be over soon.

 After what seemed like an eternity, Claude felt Ronald's hand relax and heard a whimper. Opening his eyes, he saw tears still glistening down Ronald's cheeks, a line of saliva running from his mouth.

 Claude shifted from the bed, grabbing some tissue from the bathroom and coming back to wipe his mouth, sitting on the bed once more. "I never meant ... for any of this to happen, please believe me. I ... was just ... hurting." He paused to collect his thoughts, to find the words to explain this awful mess. Ronald deserved a reason at least. "Because ... you wouldn't acknowledge me. I felt ... like you didn't love me anymore ... but I was wrong, so wrong to have ... done what I did."

 More tears fell from Ronald's eyes. _**Because i'm depressed ... it wasn't because I didn't ... love y'. I ... never meant to hurt y'. I ... still need y' in my life.**_

 The blonde pointed to himself shakily. "What is it?" Ronald then reached an arm out to grab Claude's leg but it jerked back, just distressing him more. "You ... want me to hold you?"

 Ronald nodded weakly, more tears falling. _**And ... tell me tha' y' still love me.**_

 "You still want me in your life?"

 Another nod. _**I can ... learn to deal with ... what happened, I hope, but I can't ... live without y'.**_

 Claude quickly scooped him into his arms and placed him on his lap, letting Ronald cry into the crease of his neck. With great effort, Ronald lifted his hand to Claude's chest and the older man held it there. "Does that mean that you still love me?" Ronald nodded against his neck, another sob leaving him. "I love you too. So much. How you can still bear to look at me, I will never know."

  _ **Because i'll ... always love y', no ... matter what. Just please ... come back home now. I'm begging y'. I need y' so much.**_

\----

***20 minutes later ***

 Sebastian and Adrian had just gotten out of bed. They were currently in the kitchen, Adrian toasting a bagel and Sebastian drinking coffee at the table.

 His head shot up when he heard a plate clatter to the floor and saw Adrian brace himself against the counter. He was quickly at his side. "Adrian, what is the matter?"

 Adrian bent forward, gripping the counter harder. "My ... head ... ahh - hurts."

 "Oh."

 "Feel dizzy ... too. The ... cancers ... back, isn't it?"

 "We will not know if that is the case until I have gotten you to the hospital."

 "No ... it is! It ... won't stop ... until it ... kills me!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments appreciated.
> 
> You have no idea how long it took me to try to make the Ronald present chapter as painful a read as possible.


	116. Old git.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May need to read the Ronald / Claude spin off chapter "knee kissed and belly rubs," if you haven't already.

***Six years previously***

 Claude pulled out and moved to sit up in bed. "Get your clothes."

 Ronald yawned. "Na, too tired."

 "Well you are not staying here."

 "Why not?"

 "Because I thought that I made it clear that this was just a one off. Simply no strings sex."

 "Yeah y' did but I'm too tired ta' move. Wha' do ya' expect when we've been goin' at it for four hours straight?"

 "I suppose that you have a point."

 "Plus I like a cuddle after sex, come lie back down."

 "Cheeky child."

 "Yep."

\----

 The next morning, Claude woke up slowly, still groggy from sleep. He looked down to find Ronald's still asleep, cuddled into his side, arm slung over his chest. He shook him. "Ronald, wake up. I have to get ready for work."

 "Hn. No ... comfy."

 "Ronald, get off of me."

 "Ugh ... fine." Ronald sat up in bed. "Man, wha' a night."

 Claude paused for a moment. "Bugger, we didn't use protection. You do not have any sexual transmitted diseases, do you?"

 "As if y' jus' asked me tha'. Na, I'm all good."

 "Thank goodness for that." He stood up, moving to the bathroom for a shower. He came back to find Ronald fast asleep again, tangled up in the covers. He quickly pulled them away. "Ronald, get up and leave, now."

 The blonde rolled over. "Hn ... alright. Same time tonight?"

 "No."

 He rubbed his eyes. "Why not?"

 "I only spend one night with someone. Feelings have a habit of blossoming otherwise."

 "Na. Not interested in a relationship either."

 "I don't care."

 "Come on man, don't pretend tha' I wasn't one of tha' best you've had. Y' seemed ta' enjoy it."

 "Of course I did."

 "Then at least gimme' y' number so we can go at it again."

 "No."

 "Pleaseee." Ronald stuck his bottom lip out.

 Claude sighed in surrender. "Fine."

 "Y' a proper grumpy old git."

 "I am not that old!"

 "Thirties is old, man."

 "I am twenty three!"

 "Ohhh ... hit a nerve there." Ronald grinned.

 "I turn twenty four in November."

 "I'm seventeen."

 "What? But-."

 "Fake ID."

 "Oh. So you are in your second year of college?"

 "Na, first. Took a year off but can't really remember why. Must of jus' wanted a break from school."

 "I see." Claude glanced at his watch. "You need to leave. I am going to be late at this rate."

 "Number first."

 "As you command." Claude replied sarcastically.

 "Thanks, babe."

\-----

***Present day.***

 Alan looked back over at Eric. "We should really ... go back now."

 "Yeah. We'll be back in like ten minutes, it's not a long walk."

 "Do you ... think that they are okay?"

 "Should be. I mean, Ronnie's forgiven Claude for everythin' he's done so far. Dunno how but he has."

 "Because he loves ... Claude. Isn't that ... why you keep forgiving me after ... everything?"

 "Yeah, Al. Ya' 'ave a point there."

\----

 Claude had also told Ronald about sleeping with various men during his stay in Ronald's home town. The blonde hadn't cried over that, though Claude didn't know why. Maybe it was because he was expecting it or because he thought that their relationship had ended when Claude had left Edinburgh? Maybe he just had no more tears left to shed?

 Ronald was now lying on his side, cuddled up next to Claude. _I cannot understand why you would still want an awful man such as me. You ... really do have a heart of gold, Ronald._

 The elder shifted down the bed to kiss him, hand sliding up onto Ronald's side. Pulling away, Ronald smiled and Claude stated to get choked up again. Oh how he'd missed that beautiful smile.

 "You look tired, Ronald?" He nodded. "Did you not get much sleep on the way down here?" A shake of the head. "I see."

 Ronald was turned onto his back, his dressing gown pulled open. Claude's hand slid up his top to rub his belly. It always had soothed Ronald to sleep, though only Claude knew about this method. Another smile graced Ronald's lips, as his eyes slipped shut. Within a few minutes, he'd fallen to sleep.

 Another couple of minutes passed, before Alan and Eric knocked on the door. "It's open." Claude stated.

 Eric was the first to enter. "Did ya' tell him?"

 "Yes."

 "How did he take it?"

 "Not very well, understandably."

 "But he still wants ta' be wi' ya'?"

 "Yes."

 Alan smiled softly. "Good. So ... are you coming home?"

 Claude couldn't help but smile himself at that question. "I am indeed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter. Find out about Adrian and Sebastian finds out that Claude is back.


	117. I hope that he burns in hell.

***Six years previously***

 Claude's phone rang around 9pm the next night, while he was in a club in the city. "Hello?"

 "Hey babe, where are y'? I've been knockin' y' door for like half hour." Ronald replied. 

 "Out at - why are you outside of my flat?"

 "I'm horny."

 "And I am not interested."

 "Y' really grumpy, man. Come on, I'll let y' bend me over y' kitchen table."

 Claude paused for a moment. "You may have peaked my interest. Please do carry on."

\-----

***Present***

 Eric glanced at the time on his phone. "Ronnie needs feedin' again in a bit."

 Claude eyed Ronald, who was snoring softly. "It seems a shame to have to wake him."

 "Yeah." Eric chuckled. "He's proper out cold."

 "He is. I suppose that I will have to however, as we no doubt will be returning home soon."

 "Tonight ...." Alan stated.

 "Yeah. I'm too knackered right now ta' drive." Eric said. "Goin' ta' crash on tha' sofa for a bit."

\----

***1am***

 As they left the flat, Claude having cleared away the beer bottles and condom wrappers, Ronald pointed down the street. "Wha' is it, mate?" Eric asked.

 "The house that he grew up in is the brown bricked residence with the garage." Claude stated.

 "How do ya' know tha'? I thought tha' his family moved around a lot?"

 "They did, however when Rachel became ill they moved back. The house was back up for sale when they returned."

 "Ah, that's kinda' cool."

 "Yes, though it was put back up for sale shortly after Ronald's father passed. Someone else is probably living there now." Ronald whined softly. "I know Ronald, that house meant a lot to you."

 Ronald pulled on Claude's coat and pointed at his car for a moment, before his arm flopped back onto his lap. "No, you cannot come back in my car. There is no way that I can keep an eye on you while driving."

 "I'll ... come in your car then." Alan stated. "Eric ... do you mind?"

 "Na, jus' hope tha' I won't ge' lost on tha' way back."

 Alan smiled. "You didn't ... get lost on the journey here, you just went the ... wrong way out of the ... service station."

 "Yep, I'm a right dumbass at times."

\----

 They got back home for around half seven in the morning. As they entered the house, Sascha looked up at them from the living room, bowl of cereal in hand. Rudgar was upstairs showering. "Oh ... Claude, you are back home. Welcome back."

 "Good ta' 'ave ya' back." Eric stated.

 Claude nodded. "Yes, it is good to be back."

\----

 Two days later, Adrian and Sebastian had just returned home from the hospital. His scan had come back clear and the doctor stated that he thought Adrian had just suffered from a bad migraine.

 Adrian took a seat in the living room. "It was just a migraine. I got ... that pent up over a migraine. I don't even have the energy to laugh."

 "You have never had one before?" Sebastian asked.

 "No, though I think my mother's side of the family suffers from them."

 "Oh ... then you obviously have had that gene passed down to you."

 "And cancer from my father's side."

 "What?"

 "He died of cancer when I was twelve. Testicular cancer."

 "Oh, you never told me that."

 "Because I didn't mourn over him. I don't care for a man who tore my family apart because he couldn't keep it in his pants."

 "Then you will not care if I were to die?"

 "You made a mistake, as you put it. I can learn to forgive that. He, on the other hand, did it time and time again. He didn't care about my mother or me and my sister. I hope that he burns in hell."

 "That is harsh."

 "Is it? You know that my mother struggled to cope with raising us and you know what happened to her in the end. Tell me why I should have any thoughts of mercy for him?"

 "Yes, I know."

 "So a word of warning, don't screw me around again."

 Sebastian nodded sadly. "I never will."

 "Good, because when I do die, I don't want to go down being unable to trust you."

 "You will be just fine."

 "No. It is just a matter of time."

\-----

***A week later***

 Sebastian was just returning home from a meeting at the college where he worked. He looked in front of him and froze. Claude had just come down Hannah's garden path. "You ... have returned."

 Claude didn't answer, instead bending forward and pressing his lips to Sebastian's. Sebastian's wrist was grabbed and as the kiss parted, Claude dragged him towards his car.


	118. I was the one that he was supposed to hurt!

***Six years previously***

 A month after meeting Claude, Ronald was sitting with him in the kitchen. He'd previously been bent over the table for the fourth time in that month. "Ah ... tha' was good." He bent over to pick up a photo frame that had been knocked to the floor during their session. It was of Claude as a teenager and some other man. "Who's tha' blonde guy?"

 Claude sucked up a drag of Weed, before replying. "No one important. Just an ex."

 "Then why 'ave y' still got a picture of him?"

 "It serves as a reminder."

 "Of wha'?"

 "None of your damn business."

 "Why are y' such a fuckin' grump!?"

 "I don't know. Why are you so clingy, when we aren't even together?"

 Ronald looked away. "I ain't clingy, I jus' like hugs. My parents always use ta' give me hugs but tha' past few years it's like they don't even care 'bout me. Guess everyone is jus' in mourin' still."

 "Mourning?"

 "My sister died."

 "Oh."

 "Feels like no one gives a shit. Not even y'."

 "At least I don't pretend to care."

\-----

 Sebastian's back was pressed to the car door, lips colliding against Claude's. _I shouldn't, not again._ Claude's lips moved to the shell of his ear and Sebastian reached to his side, yanking the back door open.

 Claude pulled back and Sebastian took in his pale appearance, the dark circles rimming under his eyes. He moved to lie down on the back seat, dumping his packets of drugs onto the carpet and Sebastian lay on top of him, once the door had been closed quickly. He pulled Claude's shirt up, noting the concave stomach and bottom of a ribcage poking out from under sickly looking skin. _You have lost weight again. Just what have you been up to while you were away?_

 Lips trailed up Claude's chest and over a nipple piercing. _I should stop. I really ... can't stop. I ... just can't help myself._ Sebastian shifted down, tongue dipping below Claude's belly button. _I need to stop._

 Claude let out a groan of pleasure, before breathing out "fuck me."

 Sebastian's head shot up at that statement. "We are stopping this, now."

 "Yes ... of course." Claude would never make someone do something if he thought that they didn't want to. That situation had happened to him far too often in the past. They both moved to sit against the backseat.

 "You would never ask me to do that. You've never let me do that. Something is seriously wrong with your mindset at present."

 "I am fine, I can assure you."

 "We cannot do this regardless. I am with Adrian."

 "Oh. I didn't realise."

 "I am guessing that you are not back living with Ronald then?"

 "No ... we are back together."

 Sebastian rubbed the side of his head. "Then there is something desperately wrong with you. Why are you acting like this? Just what is going on in that head of yours?"

 "Nothing is wrong."

 "Are you not happy being with Ronald?"

 "It is ... not that."

 "Then why are you doing this?! Why are you trying to -."

 "Because the sooner he realises that I am no good for him, the better. The sooner that he cuts me from his life, the better off he will be. The better off everyone will be."

 "So you were planning to tell him?"

 "Yes."

 "So you were just using me? That is hardly fair."

 Claude rested his head back against the seat. "I am a bad person."

 "No ... you are not. An idiot of course, but not a bad person."

 "Yes I am! Everyone gets hurt because of me! I ... didn't even go to my mother's funeral."

 "She died?"

 "I think she must have by now. I received a phone call from my father saying that she was gravely ill. I told him never to contact me again, that I wanted nothing to do with them."

 "Who could blame you for that? They had done nothing to earn your forgiveness. Giving you a thrashing of your life just because you took a fancy to men."

 "Yes, father did, though his punches felt like ones from a five year old after I met Baldroy."

 "Indeed. You need to stop thinking of yourself of a bad person and get your life in order. You have said it yourself, Ronald may only live for another ten years. Make the most of that time."

 "No. He should be ... with someone better than me. He is left permanently disabled because of me. Everyone's pain is caused by me. I was foolish to think that I could ever have a relationship. Ever allow myself to love someone.

 Sebastian moved his hand out to squeeze Claude's. "Baldroy did that, not you. For once in your life, let yourself be happy."

 "I should have been alone! That way noone else would have been hurt! He was supposed to just hurt me! I do not des-."

 "Yes you do! Baldroy is locked away now! Push him to the back of your mind and work on your relationship with Ronald. You love him, he loves you. Stop trying to destroy yourself! Baldroy destroyed you enough for a lifetime."

 "How long before he is released and comes after us again? I do not care ... about my own life but ... if he were to kill Ronald...."

 "He is not getting out for a very long time. Maybe he will never be released." He pulled Claude into a sideways hug. "Try to be happy for once in your life."

 "I ... wish that I could."

 "Then you must try and try until you are. I will always be your friend. You know that you can talk to me about anything but we cannot allow ourselves to make the same mistake twice. The second one could hardly be classed as such."

 "I know that but I don't ... even know what I am doing anymore." Claude paused briefly. "You ... are sure that I can talk to you about anything?"

 "Yes, anything."

 A few tears left him. "The Cocaine is becoming a problem. I've been back a week and ... I've been trying to stop using it. I ... just cannot. I ... am unable to function without it."


	119. Speak to Eric.

 Claude leaned his head against Sebastian's shoulder, letting the tears drip down his face. "I ... really am a terrible person. I ... cannot even get a job in this ... condition. Even if I were to try ... to make things work with Ronald, I cannot support him. Soon ... I will be unable to keep a roof over ... his head."

 "Do not worry about that for the moment. You can find a job once you have gotten yourself well enough."

 "Then ... what do you suggest? Rehab?"

 "No. I think, as was the case with Alan, that being around your family will help you. You need to stop pushing them away. Plus, if you went into rehab, they would also ban you from smoking your Marijuana."

 "Maybe that would not be a bad thing."

 "You have been smoking that vile substance for over a decade. You know what happened when you tried to give it up last time. You turned into a paranoid wreck."

\-----

***Flashback***

 Sebastian came home, to find Claude curled up on the sofa in his flat. He walked over to him. "Claude, have you not been to work today?"

 "No."

 "Are you feeling unwell?"

 Claude curled into himself further. "Just ... leave me ... alone."

 "What is the matter?"

 He pressed his face into a pillow, words muffled and body beginning to shake. "Baldroy. He ... he's going to ... find us. He ... he's going to kill us both."

 "He hasn't so far and -."

 "But ... what if he has seen me? I ... can feel his eyes on me. He ... he is watching me right now, getting ... ready to assault me again. Waiting ... for the opportunity to attack."

 "You are just being paranoid." Sebastian plonked himself down on the floor at the foot of the sofa. "How long has it been since you last smoked?"

 "Five days."

***End flashback***

\----

 "You mean the ... day in which I wouldn't leave the house? Yes, I remember that."

 "Yes but more so the following day when I had to pick you up from work, as you had suffered a panic attack. As nice as it would be for you to be completely free of drugs, I do not think that you are ready for that."

 "You do ... make a good point."

 "The Cocaine however is obviously crippling you mentally. The sooner you are free of that, the better."

 "Yes. Yet, I feel depressed without it. I have snapped at Ronald a few times ... already since getting back."

 "That is just the effects of withdrawal. Once they have passed, you will feel a lot better for it."

 "I just do not ... know how to dig myself out of this hole."

 "Well firstly, I shall take the Cocaine you brought tonight and dispose of it. Secondly, you will go home and speak to Eric."

 "Eric? What an earth ... are you on about?"

 "He has given you some good advice in the past, has he not?"

 "Yes, but-."

 "And though he has a temper on him, he has been there for you, hasn't he?"

 "He ... has."

 "Then off you go."

 Claude paused for a moment, before speaking again. "Yes ... I suppose that I shouldn't leave Ronald's side for too long." He handed Sebastian over his packet of Cocaine. "And ... thank you ... for everything."

 "You need not mention it." Sebastian left the car, leaving Claude deep in thought for the next hour.

\----

 The door to his house was pushed open, Claude stepping into the hallway. Eric was waiting for him, back resting against the wall. "Where tha' hell 'ave ya' been?! Ronnie's cryin' his eyes out in his room. He probably thinks ya' 'ave left town again."

 "I was just at Hannah's." Claude stated.

 "For over an hour?!"

 "I ... bumped into Sebastian on the way."

 Eric let his head hang down, pushing himself from the wall. He then shook his head. "Fuckin' great!"

 "We did not sleep together if that is what you are hinting at."

 "So ya' wha'? Jus' talked?" He took in Claude's appearance. "Ya' been cryin'?" Claude looked away. "Jus' wha' is goin' on wi' ya'? Ya' been comin' home off ya' head since ya' got back."

 "It is none of your concern -."

 "It is. Ya' family and if a family member is strugglin', I'll do everythin' I can ta' help them." To Claude's surprise, Eric pulled him into a tight hug. "Jus' tell me what's goin' on."

 Claude let himself cry into Eric's shoulder. "I just ... do not know ... how to cope any longer."

\----

 It had taken some time to coax Claude into telling him what was wrong but finally he had. Once he had explained, Eric stated "ya' not a bad person for a start. A fuckin' moron but not a horrible person. And yeah, Sebastian's right. Don't try and come off of tha' Weed at tha' same time. Too big a step too soon and you'll jus' fall back inta' both drugs again."

 "Yes, that ... is true."

 "He's right 'bout stayin' at home for a bit until ya' feelin' better too. I know it ain't tha' same drug but Al went through his withdrawals here and he's doin' jus' fine now."

 "All ... alright."

 "Plus, at least he can understand what ya' goin' through. Now, go and ge' some rest. Ronnie needs ya' at his side."

 Claude nodded and walked to his bedroom, finding Ronald crying against Alan's chest.

 Alan looked over at him and stated "see Ronnie, Claude didn't leave." He shifted from the bed and left the room, feeling that the couple needed some time alone.

 Claude moved over to the bed, Ronald lying on his back. He kicked his shoes off and got under the covers next to the blonde. "You were scared that I had left Edinburgh again?"

 Ronald nodded and Claude pulled him close. "I was just in need of some time alone ... to think. There ... is something that I need to tell you."


	120. Vivids dreams from Cocaine withdrawal.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronald feels at the beginning! ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hinted on this in the Claude/ Ronald spin off but not on here. Basically Ronald's mom wouldn't leave the house on her own after Rachel's death.

***Ronald's past. A month after Rachel’s death***

 A fourteen year old Ronald stepped into the kitchen, football in hand. “Dad, come and play footie wi’ me.”

 “I don’t have the time.” His father answered.

 “But y’ promis-.”

 “Dammit, Ronald. I am too busy. You know that I need to try to get your mother out of the house for her psychologist appointment.”

 “Dad-.”

 “Go and play with your friends or something!”

 Ronald ran from the house, all the way to the local park. Finding a tree in the corner of the field, he slid down it, holding the football between his knees. “But … I don’t ‘ave any friends anymore.” Tears pricked at his eyes. "After wha’ happened wi’ tha’ teacher, no one wants ta’ be my friend. They all think tha’ I’m a slut. Tha’ whore who banged tha’ teacher. No one … cares 'bout me. No one loves me.”

\----

***Six years ago***

 It had been eight months since Ronald had met Claude. They were both lying in Ronald’s dorm room bed. “You seem in a mood today, Ronald.”

 Ronald huffed. “It’s my birthday and my parents didn’t even send me a card. It’s like they don’t give a shit anymore.” _Mom must have gone downhill again._ Claude pulled him close, hugging him tightly. “Wha’ are y’ doin’? I though tha’ y’ didn’t care ‘bout me?”

 “I don’t.” Claude lied. In fact, he was beginning to feel something for this boy. It would be another month or so before he would admit it to Eric though. “But doesn’t everyone need a comforting gesture at some point in their lives? A tiny bit of attention?”

 “Yeah … they do, thanks.” Ronald rested his head on Claude’s chest.

 “You are very welcome.”

 What Ronald failed to remember was that his father did care for him, as did his mother. The man would often comfort Ronald after his seizures but that bit of information had been lost to the teenager, part of his memory having been lost.

\----

***Present***

 It had now been two days since Claude had bumped into Sebastian and he had spent most of that time in bed. Partly because he was too exhausted without his Cocaine to move but mainly because he was too depressed. His muscle aches had also set in, as had body chills. The only time he would leave the bed was to wash, brush his teeth and to go into the kitchen to smoke Weed.

 He’d told Ronald about his addiction but the blonde hadn’t seemed that shocked. In fact, he had already guessed that fact to be true. Though Claude was in the same room as Ronald, Eric and Alan were the ones that were looking after him, giving Claude the rest he needed. Rudgar had taken it upon himself to give Claude the money he required for the mortgage, until he was ready to go back to work.

 There was a knock at the door of the room and Claude spoke. “Please do … come in.” Sebastian pushed it open and smiled warmly at him and Ronald. “Sebastian, what are … you doing here?”

 “I just came to bring some food over.”

 “Oh … thank you. Does Adrian know that you … are here?”

 “He does. He told me that he knows nothing will happen between us here, not with Ronald right next to you.”

 Claude nodded, before looking down at the blonde. “Ronald, do you wish for him … to leave?”

 Ronald shook his head. **_No …. Even after what happened, I wouldn’t stop y’ seeing y’ best mate. Y’ promised that y’ wouldn’t do it again, so I believe y’._**

 “Are you quite sure?” A nod. “Very well.”

 Sebastian spoke again. “So I am guessing by your dishevelled appearance that you are going through withdrawals?”

 “I am. They … are extremely unpleasant.”

\----

 Meanwhile, two men walked from the jail in Edinburgh. “So, is it good to be a free man?” Soma asked.

 “It … is.” Agni replied, though he didn’t really think that. He knew that he’d just end up doing people’s dirty work for money again. Finding that he’d not in fact harmed the victim, he’d been sentenced to five years. After an appeal and on the grounds of good behaviour, his sentence had been reduced.

 “Let us go home.”

 “What?”

 “You cannot go back to your life from before. You have said it yourself, you do not want to harm anyone else for as long as you live.”

 “I know ....”

 “Then come home with me.”

 “Are you sure?”

 Soma smiled. “I am very sure.”

 “Thank you … my friend.”

 “Don’t be silly, Agni. We both know that we are more to each other than just friends. Follow me.”

 “Yes … my love.”

\----

 In the evening, Claude was tossing and turning. “I … am sorry if I snap at you, Ronald, I do not mean to.”

 ** _I know that._** Claude turned on his back and Ronald shifted his hand down to squeeze Claude’s.

 Claude squeezed back. “Thank you, Ronald.” He then released Ronald’s hand, turning away from him. Ronald tugged on the back of his shirt, whining softly. “What?” He tugged again. “What do you want?!” The blonde let out a weak whimper. _He just wants some attention._ Claude turned back over, pulling Ronald close to him and kissing his forehead, making the younger smile. “Better?” Ronald nodded, his smile widening. Claude shifted down slightly to kiss his cheek. “I love you.” Ronald’s hand moved again, up to Claude’s chest.

\----

 It was now 9pm and Eric and Alan were upstairs in their room. Claude had fallen to sleep, as had Ronald. Alan rested his head on Eric’s shoulder. “I … I’m so tired.”

 “I ain’t surprised, ya’ ‘ave had a busy day.”

 “Hmm … do you think that Claude will be okay?”

 “Yeah, eventually.”

 “Good.” Alan yawned and Eric chuckled. “What’s … so funny?”

 “Nothin’. Ya’ jus’ so cute when ya’ all sleepy like tha’.”

 “Stop … laughing and read me … a bedtime story.”

 “L: Change Tha’ World or tha’ Vampire Knight Novel?”

 “You … pick.”

 Eric went to get the book, coming back to find Alan already asleep. Eric got back into bed next to him and quickly fell to sleep himself.

\----

 A few minutes later, Ronald was awoken by the sound of crying and shouting. “Baldroy … no. I … wasn’t flirting with … him. I … wasn’t! Please … no, don’t … not again!”

 Ronald pulled on his shirt in an attempt to wake him up. That failing to work, he nudged him in the stomach. Claude was startled awake, a hand flying out and punching Ronald sharply in the face. That would surely leave a black eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet everyone thought Baldroy and Joker were out, huh?  
> So I couldn't really find much about how long Agni would go to jail for. Five years for GBH and five - fifteen for second degree attempted murder. Though it wasn't second degree, it was planned. But he wasn't the one to plan it or to actually harm Ronald. He didn't hit him with the crowbar, he just held him still and carried him upstairs. So ... I went with five, with the option of appeal.   
> Other research needed: Effects of Cocaine withdrawal and timeline.


	121. Burke and Hare.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping one reader will see this title and be like "S**T."

***Claude’s past***

 “Ya’ little shit!” Baldroy shoved Claude off of the bed, the seventeen year old’s back hitting off of the floor sharply. The elder man then began to punch and kick him, before raping him. Not being satisfied that he’d terrified the teenager enough, he sat heavily on his chest. “Ya’ know wha’ Burke and Hare used ta’ do in this city?”

 “Please … get off of me. I … can’t breathe!” Claude screamed, struggling under the weight of his partner.

 “Exactly!” Baldroy smirked. “They used ta’ sit on someone like this.” He pressed his hand over Claude’s nose and mouth. “And then do this! Until tha’ little bastards couldn’t breathe anymore! I quite like tha’ idea. Wanna’ try it out for myself!” Claude tried to push him off, beginning to feel lightheaded. As he felt himself starting to slip into unconsciousness, Baldroy removed his hand and got off of him. “That’s wha’ ya’ ge’ for pissin’ me off!”

 Claude rolled onto his front, feeling panic overtake him. Feeling as if he still couldn’t breathe. Resting his forehead on the carpet, he began to hyperventilate, his first ever panic attack hitting him harshly.

 Baldroy would use this technique for years to come; terrifying the younger man even after the use of Weed had begun to prevent his panic attacks.

\-----

***Present***

 Turning the light off had been forgotten that night, making Ronald’s hurt expression clear for Claude to see. The younger man whimpered loudly and Claude quickly sat up in bed, gathering him into his arms. “Oh … I am so sorry. I didn’t mean – you just startled me … something terrible.”

 Ronald began to cry, lifting his arms for a moment in an attempt to push Claude away. “Ronald, please calm down! It was … an accident.” He shook his head against Claude’s shoulder, his body beginning to tremble violently. “I … thought that you were … Baldroy. I … never meant to hurt you.”

 Eventually Ronald calmed down and Claude placed him back in bed, spooning up behind him. “I have … never wanted any … harm to come to you.”

\----

 The next day, Alan raced upstairs and into his bedroom. Eric was sat at the desk in the room. “Eric, have you … seen Ronnie?! He’s … got a black eye.”

 “Yeah, I ‘ave. It was an accident. Claude was havin’ a nightmare and Ronnie tried to wake him and ended up gettin’ punched.”

 “But … what if Claude is abusing … him?”

 “He … isn’t. When Claude was explainin’, Ronnie nodded. Plus, did he seem scared of him?”

 “No ….”

 “Well then. Anyway, I got somethin’ ta’ show ya’.” He opened a large note pad and took out a sheet of A4 paper. “I tried ta’ draw ya’. Took me a few days but it’s finally done. Wha’ do ya’ think?”

 Alan walked closer, eyeing the drawing. “I really … did teach you … well.”

 “Thanks, babe.” Eric stood up, moving to the board on the far wall of the room. He pinned the drawing next to the one Alan had done of him a few years back. “Pride of place, huh?”

 “Yep. Maybe … one day, you’ll be able … to draw me naked.”

 “Still beautiful either way, wi’ or wi’out clothes.”

 “I hope that … one day, I’ll think that … too.”

\----

 Two days later, a Sunday, Eric was sitting in the kitchen when Claude came in. The kettle was switched on and after a while the blonde looked up to see Claude pacing up and down. “Claude, ya’ alright?”

 “No …,” he said breathlessly, “things are not … alright. Nothing … will … ever be okay … again. I … am … doomed.”

 Eric stood up promptly. “What’s tha’ matter?”

 “I ….” He stopped pacing, his back resting against the counter.

 Eric noticed his breathing growing heavier and louder, as well as the look of panic on Claude’s face. Having seen Alan like this years ago, he asked “are ya’ havin’ a panic attack?” Claude nodded, before beginning to hyperventilate.

 “Alright. Do ya’ need ta’ sit down?” Another nod and Eric helped him to sit down on a chair. The elder gripped the rim of the table, squeezing his eyes shut. Dragging his chair close to Claude’s, Eric spoke again. “Ya’ gunna’ be alright. Jus’ take deep breaths, okay?”

 “I … can’t … I … can’t breathe.”

 Eric tried to soften his voice as best he could in order to calm Claude down. “Yes ya’ can. It’s all gunna’ be fine. Jus’ look at me, okay? Claude, open ya’ eyes for me.” Claude did and Eric then said “now breathe in for two. One, two. Now out. One, two.” Claude tried his best to follow Eric instructions, until the counts had gone up to two lots of four and then six and eight.

 After a little over ten minutes of this, Claude’s panic attack had ended. “Ya’ feelin’ better?” Eric asked.

 “A … little. I hate … being unable to breathe.”

 “Have … ya’ ever had a panic attack before?”

 “I used … to have them twelve years ago.”

 “Oh.” Eric paused, before asking slowly “can … I ask why?”

 “I had been with … Baldroy for a little over a year.”

 “Used ta’ ge’ them often?”

 Claude snorted. “Would every few hours for two years classify … as often? How I got through ... my educational years, I shall never know.”

 “Shit. Ain’t ya’ ever been ta’ tha’ doctors? Ya’ probably ‘ave a panic disorder of somethin’.”

 “No. It wasn’t something I would … want to discuss with anyone because then … I would have to admit what I let Baldroy do to me. They would just see me … as weak then.” His breath started to turn shaky again and his hand moved up to grip his shirt. “Dammit … not again.”

\----

 It had taken even longer to help Claude through the second panic attack and a drawn out silence followed, before Eric spoke once more. “Any … idea what’s triggered these off again?”

 “I … ran out of Marijuana.”

 “Oh … but doesn’t Weed make anxiety worse?”

 “Not for me, no. It is the only thing … that prevents these dreaded attacks.”

 “Ah, okay. Well go ge’ some then. Thought ya’ weren’t tryin’ ta’ quit both drugs at tha’ same time?”

 “I … am not. I just … finished the amount I had a few days ago and … am not feeling well enough yet to drive. Plus … I do not want to risk buying … any Cocaine if I … go back to my dealer.”

 “Oh. If … ya’ need some though, I don’t mind drivin’ ya’. At least then … ya’ can’t buy any Coke wi’out me noticin’.”

 “Are … you sure?”

 “Yeah … ya’ been smokin’ tha’ stuff for years and it’s obviously done ya’ more good than harm.”

 “Ten years, yes. Thank you.”

 “Wanna’ go now or do ya’ need more time ta’ calm down?”

 “No … the quickly I obtain some, the better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, Google Burke and Hare Edinburgh murders. They stored the bodies in the Edinburgh vaults according to legend, you know the Vaults that Alan fainted in and I have almost passed out in also. 
> 
> After the trial, they made a wallet out of the skin of one of the murderers. Seriously ... Google.


	122. Blackened nails and fallen leaves, fallen leaves on the ground.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chap goes from extremely brutal and sad to sweet as pumpkin pie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find the Buffy/ Angel reference?

***Claude’s past***

 The seventeen year old was overcome by the feeling of doom and panic for the third time that day. Baldroy shifted from his chest but it made little difference, Claude still felt as if he couldn’t breathe. He could sense the heat rising on his face, his breathing turning to short pants. Still, he tried not to show how anxious he was becoming. Being seen as weak wasn’t an option and pleading with Baldroy never did do him any good.

 A sharp kick was aimed to the side of his bare stomach, the rest of his body already speckled with bruises. “Oi, on ya’ front.” Claude did as he was told, resting his one cheek on the carpet and trying to calm himself down. Trying was futile, as he soon felt Baldroy lying on top of him, hands pressed by either side of his head.

 His pulse quickened, skin tingling and sweaty. Terror consumed him. His head began to spin, unable to catch his breathe. Hyperventilating followed. He couldn’t hide his panic any longer, feeling Baldroy beginning to thrust deeply into him. “What’s tha’ matter, bitch? Can’t breathe?” The blonde shifted his weight, lying more heavily on him, hand moving up to grab a handful of dark locks. Claude’s head was pulled up and slammed back into the carpet. Once, twice, three times. His head was turned, face pressed into the floor. “Now ya’ can’t. Stupid tart.”

\----

***Six years previously***

 “Claude?”

 The elder turned to look at Ronald. “What is it?”

 “Why do y’ always wear black nail polish?”

 “It is just a habit that I have not been able to grow out of since I was a teenager. Do you have a problem with that?”

 Ronald grinned at him. “Na, babe. It’s bare sexy.”

\----

***Present***

 Eric’s car pulled up outside of Hannah’s house and the engine was switched off. He turned to face Claude, already beginning to hear Claude’s breath turning shaky again. “Ya’ alright?” The elder didn’t answer, his hand trailing to his upper arm, under the hem of his short sleeved shirt. He began to scratch away at his skin. “Claude?” Eric said a bit louder. He was startled, hand shifting back onto his lap. “Wha’ was all tha’ ‘bout?”

 “All of … what?”

 “Scratching away at ya’self?”

 “Oh … that. I didn’t even realise.” He paused for a moment. “Ronald once asked me … why I always paint my nails black.”

 “Okay? Wha’‘bout it?”

 Claude let out a shaky sigh. “When my panic attacks … were at their worst in … my teenage years, I always used to … scratch and pick at my skin. It was a stupid habit and … I am not proud of such a thing.”

 “Na, it’s not stupid. It’s jus’ a copin’ mechanism. Ya’ shouldn’t feel ashamed of tha’. So … why tha’ nail polish?”

 “Because sometimes I failed to even realise … that I was doing it. I could easily wash … the blood from finger tips but … I could never get the vile substance from under my fingernails. Not until I went … home for a proper shower anyway. It was quite unsightly … during lectures, so I began to paint them to mask what was underneath. It became … a routine that I never stopped. Every morning … paint them.”

 “Ah … and I jus’ thought ya’ had a thing for black. I mean, that’s all ya’ ever wear. Wha’ ‘bout Sebastian?”

 “What … about him?”

 “Well his are always black too, unless he jus’ likes ta’ be all tall, dark and brooding.”

 Another sigh. “I tried to … stop smoking while I was with him and suffered a panic attack then also. On that day, I also picked at myself and Sebastian found out the reason for my painted nails. He decided to begin painting his too.”

 “Why though?”

 “It was a way for him to … show his support. He told me that when Vincent was undergoing chemotherapy … he shaved his hair. Just a way for him to … show that he was there for us. I suppose … that Adrian’s illness shocked him too … greatly to shave it for a second time. Or maybe … it was all just too familiar, I do not know. He too never got out … of the habit of applying nail polish.”

 “Ah. That’s kinda’ sweet of him.”

 Claude laughed lightly. “Yes, he can be just … as sweet as Ronald at times.”

\----

 A while later, once Claude had calmed himself down fully, he went to buy enough Weed from Hannah to see him through the next two weeks. Once back in the car, Eric asked. “Ain’t ya’ gunna’ light up?”

 “Not yet. I can … feel another attack coming on shortly. If … I smoke right before an attack, it makes … for an unpleasant experience. I will … have to wait for it … to pass first.”

 “Ah … okay.”

 “Then … with luck … on my side … it will strive off the … next one.”

 “Alright. Jus’ try ta’ focus on ya’ breathin’.”

\----

 Over half an hour later, Claude pulled his grinder from his pocket and ground up some Weed, before rolling in into a spliff. He wound down the window and lit up. Once finished, the butt was chucked out of the window. A second then followed and that too thrown from the car. Claude shut his eyes, letting his head fall back against the seat.

 “Better?” Eric asked.

 A long exhale was heard, before Claude spoke. “Much.”

\---

 Getting home, Claude placed a blanket on the grass of the garden and then walked back into the house. He bent down to peck a kiss to Ronald’s forehead, before the bed was lifted by remote. Ronald’s ugly green Christmas jumper was pulled from the wardrobe and the blonde frowned at Claude.

 “Let us relax in the garden for a while. It is quite mild outside considering that it is the beginning of October.” The jumper was pulled over Ronald’s head and a pair of fluffy socks donned. Claude pulled out a coat and wrapped it tightly around himself, just in case his chills got the best of him and scooped Ronald up.

 Carrying him into the garden, he laid him down on the blanket and then lay next to him. “I know how much you love this time of year.” Ronald turned his head to look at the red leaves falling from the trees at the back of the garden, hand scooting over to hold Claude’s. “The trees and the smoky smell which lingers in the air. I can see why you adore October; it is quite a beautiful month for nature.”

 A small gust of wind carried a leaf across the garden, descending down slowly. Ronald’s head turned again to follow it, eyes almost crossing as it landed on his forehead. He let out a sound which everyone in the house knew was the closest to a laugh as he was able. The sight brought a smile to Claude lips and he turned over, pulling the flimsy item away from Ronald and bending over to kiss him deeply. Pulling away, a wide grin appeared on Ronald’s face. That smile which Claude lived for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes, they would probably get in trouble to begin with for wearing black polish to work but that never stopped them.


	123. Something tragic about you, oh so magic about you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watari family/ Watari orphanage or Wammy's house is usually related to fan art of L as an adult with Mellow and Near (and sometimes Matt) as children. 
> 
> Song used. Hozier - from eden.

A week had passed and Claude was over the worst of his withdrawals, instead just having to deal with cravings.

 He'd been out of the house a few times for walks and just to buy some groceries from the local Tesco superstore. That too was being payed for by Rudgar.

 The days inside the house were spent cuddling up with Ronald and giving him a lot of loving attention. He'd also started taking care of the blonde man, taking over feeds and bathing most of the time.

 Some time had also been spent writing poems, something that he hadn't done since meeting Baldroy. A few days previously, Sebastian had stated that writing them may help to take his mind off of the cravings. He'd said that the poems he'd found in a note book in Claude's flat while they were together were brilliant. Claude had then scorned him for snooping around his possessions while he had been at work. Sebastian had smiled sweetly, a simple 'I just couldn't help my curiosity' being said in reply. That was soon followed by 'well you have always wanted to be a poet, have you not?'

 Claude finished his current poem, placing his notepad down on the floor at the bedside. Turning over, he placed a tender kiss to Ronald's cheek. "You are ever so beautiful, Ronald."

 The younger man smiled, before pursing his lips. Claude also smiled, bending down to kiss Ronald deeply. He then sat up, pulling Ronald up into a sitting position between his legs and nuzzled his face into Ronald's neck, the blonde's head leaning against the top of his own. "I adore you."

 A calming song floated through the room.

_Babe, there's something tragic about you._   
_Something so magic about you._   
_Don't you agree?_   
_Babe, there's something lonesome about you._   
_Something so wholesome about you._   
_Get closer to me._

\----

 Meanwhile, Alan was in the living room, drawing up something that would later be painted over for his commission.

 Sascha came into the room. "I am so bored and Rudgar will not be home until late tonight. Dying from being so bored right now."

 "Oh ... that really sucks." Alan stated, before sighing.

 "Is something upsetting you? Why did you sigh just now?"

 "No ... I'm just getting frustrated."

 "Oh? Why is this?"

 "I can't get ... this section of my drawing right." He pointed to the bottom of the canvas.

 "Oh. What is it you are trying to draw?"

 Alan pulled a reference photo into his hand, which had been clipped to the top of his canvas board. "I can't get the shoes right."

 "Ah. Let me help you." Sascha plucked the pencil and rubber from Alan's other hand and stood close to the canvas, rubbing out a few lines.

 "Sash wait, do you ... know what you are doing?"

 He sketched out a few lines on one of the shoes. "What do you think? Look."

 Alan adjusted his glasses, observing the new lines. "That's ... just how I wanted it. Thanks, Sash."

 "You are very welcome, Al."

 "I didn't ... even know that you could draw."

 "Because you didn't ask. Yes, I am good at art. My family would never let me play sports with other boys in our village. Instead, I was made to play the piano, write - what is the word? Literature? Also to draw and paint."

 "Amazing. Do you ... want to work with me on my next commission? We can ... split the money down the middle."

 "I would like that but keep the money. I'll do it just to not be bored. I should have a job soon anyway, with all the online applications I have filled in. What will your next project be or do you not yet know?"

 Alan smiled, his eyes lighting up. "Well ... it's Halloween in a few weeks. Someone ... has asked me to do a vampire verson of Death Note. Like ... the characters as vampires."

 "What is this Death Note?"

 Alan dashed up the stairs, coming back with all six black editions in his arms. He plonked them down on the coffee table.

 "What are those?" Sascha asked.

 "Research material."

 "Huh?"

 "Well you said ... that you were bored." He giggled. "Better get ... reading."

 Sascha smiled widely, grabbing the first volume. "Okay!" He darted back up to his room, leaving Alan standing there smiling.

 "I ... may have created a new otaku."

\------

 A month passed and the pair's joint commission had been a huge success. The buyer had requested another simular piece, the Watari family at Christmas. "Alan!?" Sascha ran into the living room.

 "Yeah?"

 "What other erm ... manga should I read? Death Note was amazing but I have longed finished it. Now I am fed up."

 "Have a look at my collection in ... my room and pick one."

 Sascha huffed. "No! You choose me one."

 Alan smiled. "Attack On Titan." _You'll soon be part of the otaku nation._

 "Oh ... that one sounds very good. Oooh and ... what is this that Eric says you read? Fan ... fiction? What was the word ... umm ... yaoi and smut?"

 Alan cheeks flushed pure red. _How did Eric - that arse has been looking on ... my browsing history._

\----

 A few days later, Eric and Alan came home from Luna's to find Sascha and Rudgar eating dinner in the kitchen. "Good evening." Sascha smiled at them both.

 "Evenin'. So Alisha was sayin' tha' a vacancy has come up in tha' café where she works. Ya' interested in applyin', Sash?" Eric asked.

 "Oh ... that sounds great! Thank you, Eric.'

\----

 Adrian made his way over to Sebastian, prying the book from his hand and bending down to kiss him. The first kiss he'd given Sebastian since the elder had been unfaithful.

 Sebastian blinked up at him as the kiss parted. "What? Can't I give my man some loving?" Adrian grinned.

 "Of course, it is just that -."

 "Why do you think that I left the room when Mr Grumpy came over yesterday?"

 "Because you cannot stand the sight of him?"

 "No. He made as big a mistake as you did. It's because I trust you." He jumped onto Sebastian's lap, knees at either side of Sebastian's legs and kissed him again. Pulling away, his smile widened. "I trust you and I forgive you."

\----

 Eric turned to look at Alan in bed that night. "Al?"

 "Yeah?"

 "Is it jus' me or has Adrian really piled on tha' pounds recently? Like since he finished chemo?"

 "Yes ... but he lost too much during his ... treatment."

 "Still ... he's gone kinda' chubby."

 "So? Maybe he's just been eating more because ... he's happy?"

 "Al."

 "What?"

 "Adrian has always eaten a lot but ... he's never gained weight."

 "Okay?"

 "Don't ya' know wha' unexpected and large amounts of weight gain can point ta'?"

 It finally clicked. "Oh."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be sad.


	124. Stop touching me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst and feels. Too many.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prize prick = complete idiot. My dad uses this term a lot.

 A few days later, Claude knocked on Sebastian’s door. It was soon opened and Sebastian smiled at him. “Hello.”

 “Can I come in? I have something that I need to speak to you about.”

 “Yes, do come in.”

 They took their seats in the living room. “Where is Adrian?” Claude asked.

 “Oh, he has gone out with friends this evening.”

 “Then I should leave. If he finds out -.”

 “He trusts me. It will be fine. What did you wish to speak to me about?”

 “Adrian, actually. Eric has raised an issue with me but didn’t know how to speak to you regarding such matters.”

 A frown from Sebastian, followed by “what about him?”

 “Eric has alerted me to the fact that he has gained a lot of weight recently.”

 “I see.”

 “But he said that he didn’t want to sound like a ‘prize prick’, whatever that means. He also wished not to upset you or Adrian but is concerned that the cancer has returned and has spread to other parts of his body.”

 “It has not.”

 “How can you be so -.”

 “He was diagnosed with underactive thyroid a few weeks ago. We had both noticed his weight gain and he was also feeding fatigued for the majority of the day.”

 “Oh.”

 “Though Eric makes it sound as if Adrian has gained vast quantities of weight. He hasn’t, maybe a stone and half compared to his weight before his chemotherapy.”

 “Really? But he-.”

 “This condition had made his face quite puffy, that is all. Most of the gain has gone to his stomach to be fair, though with the help of his new medication he has already lost a few pounds.”

 “That is a relief. We were all worried for his health.”

 “As were we. The doctors seemed to think that his chemotherapy had some impact, though Adrian has alerted me to the fact that his uncles on his father’s side suffer from the same condition. Now that I have eased your concern, would you like some tea?”

 “I would, thank you.”

\----

 Claude came back home, to find that Ronald’s spasms had increased. He felt his forehead. A definite temperature. The blonde made a weak coughing sound, before being sick. Claude rolled him onto his side, rubbing his back softly.

 The doctor would be called out the next day, diagnosing him with the flu once again.

\-----

***The following day***

 A harsh wind whipped around, taking the final leaves away from baron trees and chilling the two German men to the bone. The cemetery was almost deserted. “I thought that you never wanted to come here again.” Rudgar stated. “You said that you wished to forget.”

 Sascha eyed the grave stone in front of him. “I have tried and tried but I just cannot forget. I never saw little Rudgar as my own but I feel that he would be sad if no one came to visit him.”

 “Maybe but I am sure that he is being cared for in heaven and is very happy.”

 “I do not believe in heaven, Rudgar.”

 “What? But your family were-.”

 “Christian, yes. Though for people so religious, they didn’t treat me with any kindness. Religion is meant to make people compassionate to others, no? Maybe it is not God I have lost faith in … but more so people. But then again, if a God did exist, I don’t think he would let bad things happen to good people. Like Al, he is such a sweetie but he has suffered so much.”

 “Isn’t that the problem most people have? Why let good things happen to those who do not deserve it? Not every Christian is as closed minded as your parents. My own are extremely religious and yet they accepted you. They saw you as a man and would never condemn you for who you are.”

 “I know that! But … I have only ever been around your parents twice. That cannot undo all the damage caused by my own parents. It will never take away the beatings and beltings. It will never change my opinions on religion but if you cannot accept me for being an atheist, you should leave.”

 “Why would I ever do that? Just because we are different in that way, it doesn’t change my love for you. It never will.”

 “Oh … okay then. We should stop talking about this. The little one, wherever he is, will not like to hear depressing topics like this.”

 “Very true.” Rudgar placed the flowers at the foot of the grave. “You will always be in our thoughts, Rudgar.”

\----

 A week passed and Ronald has recovered from his flu. The spasms, however, were just growing worse as the days progressed. “I just do not know what is causing them.” Claude stated.

 “Well tha’ doctor did tell us ‘bout tha’ causes when we first got him home.” Eric replied. “Like tight clothes and a full bladder and stuff like tha’ can make it worse.”

 “Believe me; I have tried everything possible to help relieve them. From stripping him naked to making sure that he isn’t too hot or cold. Nothing has helped in the slightest.”

 “Shit.”

 “Yes.” Claude turned from the doorway and walked into their room. Ronald was jerking on top of the bed in a loose pair of pjs, whimpering and crying. All of the muscles in his body ached beyond belief. The elder made his way over to the bed, wiping the saliva from the side of Ronald's mouth and then scooping him into his arms. He just jerked and cried more. **_Don’t … hold me! Put me down! It … hurts … I … I’m in so much pain. Please … just put me down …._**

 Claude didn’t realise, instead hugging him tighter. How could he understand, when all Ronald ever wanted was to be cuddled and held? “Things … will get better for you soon, my angel. They … have to.”

**_No … they won’t. Please … just let go of me! Don’t you understand that y’ hurting me?! Stop … touching me …._ **

\----

 That evening, Ronald had fallen to sleep, his body exhausted from the constant movement. Eric came into the room. “Rudgar wants ta’ order pizza, do ya’ want any?” He took in Claude’s expression. “What’s tha’ matter?”

 Claude rested his head back against the headboard. “I … thought that … when Ronald came off of supported breathing that he would … be a lot better. The realisation of the magnitude of his disabilities has just … hit me with the force of a train.”

 Eric eyed the ground. “I know. Jus’ ‘cause he’s not on death’s door anymore … doesn’t really mean much. He’s still really poorly.”

 “Yes, I am well aware of that. Tell me, will … it always be this way?”

 “I don’t know. Probably.”

 “I believe that it will be, at least until times run out for him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thyroid and chemotherapy. Someone I talk to at a health food store had this happen to her. Thyroid is f**ked.  
> Other research used: Signs of underactive thyroid.  
> Causes of spasticity (Ronald's spasms.)


	125. A den of pot heads.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apart from the first scene and last, the rest of this is crack. Too much crack but I needed crack after my previous 100% angst chapter.  
> Everyone gets high, yo. Apart from Ronald, obviously. And Claude. He never ... really gets that high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jean and Marco, characters from Attack on Titan. Yup, I ship them and so does Sascha apparently.

 It was now the last week of November and Ronald’s spasms had decreased again. Claude had decided to find work and was going back to the bank to clean his locker out. He had some important paperwork which he felt he would need when applying for a new job.

 As he walked into the bank, he heard someone call out his name. Turning around, he spotted Angela smiling at him. She’d been promoted to manager two and a half years ago. Walking towards him, she spoke again. “Claude, what are you doing back here? You just suddenly disappeared on us.”

 “I have just come to clear my belongings from my locker, if they haven’t already been thrown out. I will not burden this branch for long.”

 “Are you moving – you look thinner than before, have you not been well?”

 “I am fine.”

 “Come to my office.”

 “Whatever for?”

 “A word.”

\----

 Sitting down in her office, she said “I have been worried about you. However, now that you are back, how about you start working here again?”

 “No … I was never much use here.”

 “That is so far from the truth. You were good at your job. Very good and I know that you had a lot of time off to look after your partner but – he is still with us, I hope?”

 “He has made some improvements since I was last working here, yes.”

 “Oh, that is lovely to hear! So, will you join our team again?”

 “Hasn’t my position been filled?”

 “Yes it has but someone recently left and I have yet to find a person worthy of replacing them. It is only a twenty hour contract, four days a week but if you would like it, you can have it.”

 “I … I would like that.”

 “Then I will see you at 9am on Monday.”

 “I … appreciate that tremendously. You have my many thanks.”

\-----

 Saturday came and Sascha was reading a manga comic in the kitchen, beer in his other hand. That was until he put the can down and went to stand up, knocking the liquid all over Alan’s Attack On Titan comic.

 Walking quietly into the living room, he said “Al?”

 Alan looked up from his laptop. “Yeah?”

 “I … I amsosorryispiltbeeralloveryourcomicpleasedon’thateme!”

 “I … didn’t understand … a word of that.”

 “I …,” he lifted the comic up to show Alan, “Spilt beer on this comic … I am very sorry.”  

 “Oh. I’ll … just buy a replacement.”

 “You … are not mad?”

 “Nope. I accidently got chocolate … cake stains all over … one before.”

 “Oh … that is a relief. I was scared! So much fear!”

 “Let’s go buy another … before Waterstones shuts.”

 “Okay!”

\----

 Later that day, Alan found Sascha crying in the kitchen. “Sash? What’s … wrong?”

 “Oh … it is so very upsetting.”

 “What is? Did … Rudgar-?”

 “No. It is Marco! So many half jokes … on Tumblr, it is so very cruel! He and Jean could … have been so happy but no, he was killed!”

 “You have only just got to … that bit?”

 “Yes. I found Vampire Knight in your collection and have read some of that. Then I spotted Blue Exorcist … and Pandora hearts and Love Stage and have been reading all of them at once. Why do all the … lovely characters die in sad ways?”

 “You mean like L in Death Note?”

 “L! No … it … is wrong … so wrong! Why did … Rem have to … kill him? Stupid Light! Stupid Misa!” He began to wail.

 Eric came into the room then, spotting the comic and the distraught Sascha. “Manga death?

 Alan nodded. “Uh – huh.”

 Eric sighed. “So many otaku feels.”

\----

 The last day of November was now here and Claude was currently at work. Eric went into Ronald’s room to say goodbye to him before heading off to college. “Ronnie keeps pointing at the Calendar … but I don’t know why.” Alan said.

 Eric eyed the date. “It’s Claude’s birthday today. Guess I’m stayin’ home.”

 “Why?”

 “Gotta’ bake a cake. First though … I need ta’ buy green icing.”

 “Weed shaped cake?”

 “Yup … ya’ know wha’, tha’ gives me an idea.”

 Alan frowned. “Why … do I not like the sound of that?”

 “Wanna’ try Weed brownies?”

 “Umm … I guess I can try them? No … harm in trying everything once.”

 “Wicked.” He turned back to Ronald. “Where does Claude keep his spare Weed, buddy?” Ronald pointed to the drawer in the bedroom. “Cheers.”

\---

 Claude came home to find everyone waiting for him. “Happy 30th!” They all cheered, cake in Eric’s hands. “Ya’ a proper old fart now.”

 “I suppose that I am.” Claude smiled. As much as he hated to admit it, such a gesture had moved him greatly. “Why … does the whole house smell of Marijuana?”

 “Ah.” Eric smirked. “Blow out ya’ candles and I’ll tell.”

 “Thank you for this.”

\---

 Eric grabbed a brownie and so did Alan. “I hope that … they don’t taste awful.” The smaller man stated.

 “And here’s me jus’ hopin’ tha’ ya’ won’t ge’ super high.”

 “Have you … ever actually smoked that … stuff?”

 “Once.”

 “When?”

 Eric turned away from him. “That’s a story for another time. Let’s jus’ taste them.”

 “Alright.” Alan took a bite, chewed and swallowed. “Wow. Yummy!” He quickly scarfed one down and grabbed another two, rushing off into the living room.

 “Al, wait! Ya’ ain’t supposed ta’ eat them like normal brownies!”

 Sascha darted up in front of him. “I want a pot brownie!” He picked two up and turned to Rudgar. “Want one too?”

 “Well … why not, if everyone else in … this barmy house is getting high.”

 Eric chuckled. “Some doctor ya’ are.”

 “What can I say? Some drugs are meant to be tested.”

\---

 Claude was cuddled up next to Ronald, still feeling quite emotional. “This household is so good to me. No, my family is extremely kind.” Ronald smiled and nodded, before pointing to his crotch. “What?” With great concentration, the boy winked. “Birthday sex?” A nod. “Are you sure that you are feeling well enough for that?” A second nod. **_Hell yeah!_** “Very well then.”

\---

 Claude had been nothing but gentle with the younger man, who had been lying on his back, small gasps and whines of pleasure leaving him. He was now on his front, Claude kissing down his back and over his bum tenderly. Shifting back up, he kissed his shoulder, before turning Ronald onto his side and pulling the covers over him. He lay down facing him and slid his hand down to cup Ronald’s bottom. “As pert as always, Ronald. I really do love your posterior.”

 Ronald grinned at him. **_Birthday sex is the bomb and it ain’t even my fuckin’ birthday._**

**_\----_ **

 Eric came back into the living room, finding Alan on the sofa. “Ya’ alright, babe?” Alan nodded. “Wait … shit. Ya’ not havin’ hallucinations, are ya’? Forget ‘bout tha’ effect.”

 “No … I feel … good, man.” Alan said, having eaten four brownies in total over the last two hours.

 “Jus’ ‘cause ya’ high, don’t mean ya’ ‘ave ta’ talk like a hippy.” Eric teased.

 “Hmm … cool. I have been … thinking and I propose a question to you.”

 “What?”

 “Do you … that think Claude has a big … ding-dong? I mean … he’s almost as tall as … you and yours is like … mount Fiji … when … it’s sticking up.”

 “He does.”

 “And how do you know that?” Alan giggled. “Did … mountains collide?”

 Eric realised his slip up. “Umm … no, jus -.”

 “I wonder … if it talks.”

 “Oh … fuckin’ hell!” Eric laughed. “It’s time for bed.”

 “Time … for mountains and craters?”

 “Sleep. Man … ya’ are never eatin’ those brownies again.”

 “What … about Luna? Puddle … or Loch Ness?”

 “I don’t know!”

 “Eric?”

 “Yes?”

 “Do you … think that jizz … is flammable?” By the end of the night, Eric would definitely be rolling on the floor laughing.

\----

 Two days later, Claude was in the room with Ronald, when the blonde pointed to his head. “What is it?” Claude asked. To his amazement, Ronald lifted his head off of the pillow all on his own. “You … have regained the strength in your … neck. Oh Ronald, that is marvellous!” He pulled Ronald into a tight embrace. “Things … are finally improving. Words … cannot express how overjoyed I am.”


	126. The zoo.

***Alan’s past***

 Luna, Josie and Alan took a trip to the zoo with Alan’s parents. Everything was going well until the six year old boy tripped and grazed his knee on the pavement. He stood up shakily, before wailing. “Daddy!”

 Alan’s father knelt down in front of him. “Oh little Chipmunk, you are always so clumsy. I think you must need glasses.”

 “Up!”

 His father smiled. “Of course.” He picked Alan up, placing the small boy on his shoulders. “Better?”

 “Yep!” His tears stopped almost immediately.

 Alan’s mother chuckled. “Alan, you are such a daddy’s boy.”

 His dad smiled. “That he is.”

\----

 Two days later, Alan’s father bent down to kiss Alan and Josie on the head. “I am going away for a little while but when I come back, we can go back to the zoo.”

 Alan’s mother eyed her husband sadly. “Just come back in one piece. Please.”

 “I will, don’t you worry about me.”

 After telling his children that he loved them, he left the house. He would soon be on the battlefield and would never be the same again.

\----

***Three and a half years later. Anne’s (Alan’s mother.) past***

 Her and her husband had gone for an appointment with the mental health team. “Can't you see that he needs help!? Can’t you see how traumatised being at war has made him!? He keeps lashing out!”

 The doctor eyed them both. “I am sorry but we have no grounds to hold him as a patient in our ward. If you are concerned for the welfare of your children, I suggest that you contact social services.”

 “And have them taken away from us?! No way in hell!”

\---

 That night, Alan, now almost ten, found his mother crying in the kitchen. “Mom, what’s wrong?”

 “They … won’t help your father. They … seem to think that he isn’t ill enough.”

\---

***Present***

 The next morning, Alan and Eric had just woken up. “How ya’ feelin’?” Eric asked.

 “I feel fine. So … you slept with Claude? I know that you slept with Ronnie … but not him.”

 “How did ya’ know tha’?”

 “Because … the list is still up on the fridge … of all the sexual things Ronnie … wanted to do. It says have sex with Eric again.”

 “Oh.”

 “Was it at the start of college?”

 “Umm … no. When we broke up in the … second year of college.”

 “Oh … okay.”

 “Sorry.”

 “Don’t be. We … weren’t together so it’s fine. So … is Ronnie good … in bed?”

 “He … is.”

 “Better than me?”

 “Hell no!”

 Alan smiled. “Just checking.”

\-----

 A few days passed and it was now December 3rd. “So … when are we putting the Christmas tree up?” Sascha asked.

 “We don’t ‘ave one.” Eric replied.

 “Oh? But you … have lived here for a while now, no?”

 “We 'ave but things were a bit too crazy even before Ronnie was hurt. We jus’ never had chance.”

 “Oh. We need to get one.”

 “The real ones are lovely.” Rudgar stated.

 “Yeah but I don’t wanna’ risk Titan stepping … on any of the pines that fall off.” Eric said.

 “Then … plastic all the same.” Sascha smiled. “Can I pick which one we are having?”

 “Sure. Knock ya’self out.”

 Eric walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. “Al, ya’ ‘ave been really quiet tha’ past few days, is somethin’ up?”

 Alan pulled a photograph from his pocket and unfolded it. “Luna … brought me this over … a few days ago. Said that she found it in an old photo album.”

 Eric came closer and eyed the photograph. It was of three children and two adults. The man was tall and well built, easily bigger than Eric. “Is that ya’ family?”

 “Yes and Luna.”

 “Shit. I can see why ya’ upset, wi’ how mucy ya’ hate ya’ dad.”

 Alan shook his head. “I don’t hate him, Eric. Even after what I said … to him, I never hated him, not really. I just wanted the … abuse to stop. He was … a sick man.”

 “Yeah, I know he was after wha’ he told ya’ ta’-.”

 “No. I mean sick as in ill. Mom … even tried to get him put into … a mental health ward but … they didn’t want to help him. I think that was … the last straw, not being able to get help. The abuse … just got worse after that.”

 “Don’t matter how sick he was … he still abused ya’.”

 “But … I’ve hurt you too. Not sexually but … I have punched you and I even stabbed … you with a pair of scissors.”

 “Yeah but ya’ was really sick -.”

 “Exactly. Dad had lost the ... plot completely by then. It was like he wasn't even him anymore. The ... dad I knew when I was young would ... have never hurt me like that." He paused, before speaking again. "I have been thinking and … I think that I needed to see this photograph. I ... have finally realised that … blaming myself for … what happened is stupid. I think … that I have finally come to … terms with what happened and that … is such a relief.”

 “Does tha’ mean … tha’ ya’ won’t ever hate ya’self again?”

 “Not exactly but … I’m feeling a lot better. Better than I have since I was eight. It … might be too soon but … I feel like I can finally say … that I’ve recovered now.”

 Eric smiled, bending down to place a kiss on Alan’s head. “Tha’ … is tha’ best news I’ve ever had.”

\---

***The next day***

 Rudgar put his phone down and went off to find Sascha. He was helping Alan to do artwork in the living room. “Sascha, my parents have just phoned me.”

 “Okay?”

 “They want me to … come home for New Year but I don’t want to go … unless you come with me.”

 “Do they still live in Kleinkötz?”

 “Yeah.”

 “But … what if my parents see me?”

 “Well if they even do as much as give you a dirty look, I’ll punch them in the face for you.”

 Sascha giggled. “Thank you, Rudgar. Then yes, I will come.”

 “Great! Now we just have to hope that the passport will come in time.”


	127. Mr Jäeger.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Man ... this chap really passes the months by quickly. :) Only 10- 15 chapters left. I mean it this time.

 Sunday morning, Adrian came rushing into the bedroom, jumping on top of a still sleepy Sebastian. “Down another two pounds this week.” He grinned, before rolling off of Sebastian and getting under the covers next to him. The puffiness of his face was now gone.

 “Well done.” He rolled over, hand running over the slight podge of Adrian’s lower abdomen. “Though I don’t mind you with a bit of extra meat.”

 Adrian laughed. “You aren’t thinking of cooking and eating me, are you?”

 “Just because I have a thing for biting.” He turned over to nibble on Adrian’s shoulder.

 “Do I taste like chicken?”

 “You do.”

\----

 It was now the 3rd of January and Ronald’s spasms had almost ceased completely, his seizures also down to an average of two daily. Sascha had brought a white Christmas tree to match the cream, modern colour of the living room. Christmas had been a nice, fun had by all the family, as had Alan’s and Eric’s 23rd birthdays.

 The door to the house opened, Rudgar and Sascha returning from the airport. Sascha’s passport had been delivered to the home a few days before New Year. Eric looked over at them. “Hey, how was ya’ tr – holy shit! Wha’ happened ta’ ya’ face?!” He said, spotting the large bruise on Sascha’s cheek.

 “My dad saw me as we were about to leave for the airport and threw a rock at me. He has very good aim but it is okay, Rudgar punched him for it. The rest of the trip was lovely, thank you. Rudgar’s parents were so kind to me.”

 “Ah. Well he deserved that punch.”

 “And there is more!” Sascha grinned, lifting his one hand up. “We are now married!”

 “Ya’ wha’!?”

 “Rudgar proposed the day we got to his parents. Not many people in our village meant that we could hire the church out quickly. We got married yesterday! Oh … it was amazing!”

 “Tha’ … is fuckin’ awesome!”

 “Yes, though I wish you could have been there too. And I would like to be Mr Jäeger, not Mrs but whatever; there is nothing I can do about my title.”

 “Na, ya’ can ge’ ya’ title and name changed here easily.”

 “Really? I must look into that.”

 “And as for us not being there, when Claude comes back from Sebastian’s, we’ll ‘ave a party.”

 Rudgar smiled. “Thank you.”

 “Can we have pot brownies again?” Sascha asked.

 “Yeah, tha’ would be fuckin’ awesome.”

\----

 Another month passed and Sascha had begun working at the café’ with Alisha a few days after coming back from Germany. Claude snuggled up to Ronald, placing a kiss to his cheek. “I love you, Ronald.”

**_Love y’ too, babe._ **

 Claude shifted from the bed, bending down to peck Ronald’s forehead, before moving into the kitchen. Eric looked over at him. “Woah, someone is happy. Was tha’ an actual smile I saw jus’ now?”

 “I am indeed happy. Ronald seems in such good spirits these days.”

 “Probably ‘cause ya’ finally treating him better, like ya’ know, how he deserves ta’ be treated.”

 “Yes. When I came back here, I finally realised just how precious he is to me. He needs to be treated as such.”

\---

 The year seemed to be flying by, as it was now April, Easter holiday week to be exact. Sascha had changed the name on all of his documents to Mr Jäeger and Ronald had improved again, gaining some strength back in his arms. He could now push himself up into a sitting position and sit upright without any support behind him. Claude had brought a smaller, lighter wheelchair, which had no arm or waist straps attached and no headrest. He was determined to get Ronald out of the house today.

 Wheeling it into the room, he picked Ronald up and placed him into it. The blonde let out a whine, dressed in a Christmas jumper that he loved from the end of last year. Eric had specially ordered it, with Batman dressed in a Santa suit knitted into the clothing.

 “We are going out grocery shopping with Alan and Eric.” Claude stated. Ronald shook his head, eyes turning glassy with tears. Claude grabbed his shoes and socks, placing them on his feet. “You cannot let one bad experience scare you away from the outside world. Do you not realise the amount of appointments at the hospital you have missed due to your refusal to go out?” Ronald looked away. “We both know that you are not expected to live past thirty. You turn twenty four in a few short months. Four fifths of your life has already passed by, do not waste the rest being stuck indoors. While your health is stable for the moment, make the most of it. Plus, you can choose whatever food you wish for and I am sure that Eric will find a way to blend it up for you.”

 Ronald thought for a moment, before pointing to his crotch. “Sex?” He shook his head and then pointed to his mouth. “Oral?” A nod. “I have to promise you a blow job in order to get you out of the house. I like your style, Ronald.” He grabbed a coat and pulled it onto Ronald’s arms, before grabbing the handles of the wheelchair. “Let us go.”

\---

 The shopping cart was now full of chocolate cake for Alan, pasta sheets for Eric to make homemade Bolognese with and a few tubes of cinnamon for Sascha’s pancakes. Claude had also put a few bottles of whiskey in and the four men then headed for the milk section. Ronald made a noise and pointed to a skittles milkshake, his eyes lighting up.

 Claude picked it from the shelf, eyeing the nutritional information on the back. “Two hundred and sixty calories for a small bottle like this, not bad. Though you will have to have two of these at meal times, I wish for you not to lose weight again.” He cleared the shelf and placed the items in the trolley.

**_Fuck yeah!_ **

 Mars, Milkyway and Galaxy milkshakes followed, as well as cream cheese for Ronald, a large packet of Twinkies for Alan, Fruit Pastels for Sascha and some Mocha packets for Grell for when she came to visit. They then made their way to the checkout, a lady named Rachel serving them. Claude would always go to the checkout she was on, as she was quick and friendly.

 She smiled at them, as Ronald pointed to the whiskey Claude was about to put into his shopping bag. He bent down in front of him. “No Ronald, you cannot have any. You know as well as I do that it will just make you seizures increase again.”

 Ronald crossed his arms over his chest, huffing loudly. “Haha, I think someone is pissed at ya’.” Eric stated. Claude just smiled at him.

\---

 A while later, Ronald pushed Claude’s head down, releasing into his mouth. A small tug on Claude’s hair had been the only spasm he had had in the past two hours. They had both noticed during their sessions that Ronald was unable to achieve an erection as quickly as before, though they both realised it was probably caused by the brain injury sustained when he had stopped breathing.

 Claude moved away and Ronald gestured to Claude’s crotch. “Don’t be silly, Ronald. You cannot swallow, how would that work?” Ronald rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Oh … you meant sex. My mistake.”

**_Get y’ kit off already, man._ **

**_\----_ **

 The next day, Eric came home from visiting Adrian and couldn’t find Alan in the living room or kitchen. He made his way up to the bedroom and entered. His breath hitched at finding a letter on their bed. _Please … Al, don’t say that you’ve run off again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments appreciated.


	128. Dear Eric.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thought that this would be really hard to write but it was surprisingly easily.

 Dread consumed Eric, as he opened the envelope with shaking hands. A chill ran up his spine, the letter being pulled out. He opened it and began to read quickly.

_Dear Eric, there has been something I’ve been meaning to tell you; from not long following the discussion over the photograph Luna gave to me. Something that I need to say._

_I am sorry, I am so sorry. I know that I have said those two words to you countless times throughout our relationship but I mean them. There are things that I can’t be sorry for, things beyond my control. I am not sorry for my illness, or how traumatised past experiences have made me. I can’t be sorry for being unable to trust people, to trust myself around people but I am sorry for the months and years that I tried to hide things from you. First the self-harm and then the eating disorder, the depression and finally the schizophrenia. I never realised back then that you were just trying to help me, that you couldn’t understand why I was hurting myself so much. I am so sorry for the many times that I promised to try to get better, knowing full well that I wasn’t ready to recover. I dragged you along and got your hopes up, only for me to crush them again._

_I am also so sorry for all the times that I took my anger and frustration out on you. For the times where my temper was short. It wasn’t your fault; it was NEVER your fault. Snapping at you and hurting you for just trying to help me. For trying to coax me into eating when I didn’t want to, because I obviously NEEDED food. I would die without it but I wanted to die and I felt like you were just getting in my way. Now I realise that you were just trying to help me. Help me to live. Help me to be happy._

 Eric’s heart rate quickened. _Is he saying sorry because he’s … left for good this time?_ He continued to read.

_Words cannot express how sorry I am for scaring you. I know that I have struck you with the fear of God at times. You have seen me with cuts all over my body and have heard me talk about suicide being the only option. I am sorry for making you read my suicide note. For thinking you would be happy without me. I know better than that now. You have proved time and time again that you love me, as I love you. I am sorry for making you think that I was dead. Sorry that I would be dead if Ronnie had not come to my rescue._

_I am sorry for making you carry my burden. Sorry for placing responsibility onto your shoulders. So much responsibility, especially when I left for Glasgow and you and Claude had to look after Ronnie all of your own. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for you. I am sorry for being so mad at you when you rescued me from Jacob’s torture. I should have been grateful. I am now. So, so grateful._

_I never meant to put all of that on you. I just couldn’t stop the pain, couldn’t bear to think that this would be the rest of my life. Nothing but misery and depression. So yes, I am sorry for dragging you through six years of worry and confusion, not knowing if I would lose the fight at any moment._

_But … more important than sorry is thank you. I think that is what I really need to say to you. For everything that you have done for me. I know that sometimes you have lost your rag with me but I cannot blame you for that. Roles reversed, I would have given up on you long ago. Thank you for being there for me when my life fell apart at both of our feet. You didn’t need to pick up the pieces but you did, time and time again. Thank you for taking me to the doctors and for explaining to them what I needed when I could not find the words._

_You really are my rock, Eric, and without you I doubt that I would be here today. I know that things will not always be easy. Though I feel as if I have recovered, I know that I will fall down again. Maybe not in such an extreme manner but I will. Depression, eating disorders and schizophrenia can be lifelong battles and I think that that may be the case for me. I may not struggle again for months, years or decades but I know that I will have my bad days. But I also know that when I do, you will be there for me and that makes me confident for my future. Life really can be great._

_So thank you for your strength, your patience, your understanding and your kind words. But more than anything, thank you for your love. Thank you for loving me when I felt like I deserved love from no one. I’ll be waiting for you in the garden. I love you, Eric. So much. So very, very much._

_\- Alan._

 Eric smiled, realising that Alan was still present, safe and loved by his family unconditionally. He folded the letter up and put it in his top drawer, before rushing downstairs and into the garden. Finding Alan sitting on a chair at the garden table, he walked over to him. “Ya’ really scared me, ya’ know. I thought tha’ you’d done a runner again.”

 “Never. I was … just nervous about your reaction … if I’m honest.”

 “Why?”

 “I … have no idea.”

 "Don't be nervous. Tha' letter really touched me. Thank you, Al.”

 “What for?”

 He bent down to kiss Alan’s cheek. “For still being here.”


	129. Rachel.

 Three days later, Claude had had to go to a meeting at the bank, starting at 8pm. He probably wouldn't be home for two or three hours.

 Ronald was sulking in his room with Alan when Eric came in. Seeing his sad expression, he said "wanna' watch a movie, buddy?" Ronald sat up and nodded. "Awesome." He moved closer to the bed and picked Ronald up. "I 'ave jus' tha' film."

\-----

 A little before nine, everyone was gathered in the living room. Alan and Eric were on either side of Ronald, Sascha sitting on Rudgar's lap on a chair that had been pulled to the side of the sofa. "Which film is it we are watching?" Sascha asked.

 Eric smirked, pressing the play button on the remote control. "Tha' Human Centipede."

 Alan looked at him. "Oh ... Eric ... you didn't."

 "Hey, if this house can handle Saw, then this ain't much worse."

 Sascha's brow furrowed. "The ... Human Centipede? What is this about?"

 "Wait and see."

 Ronald snuggled into Alan's side, Alan's arm wrapped around his shoulder.

\-----

 Not long into the film, Sascha was engrossed. "Oh ... this film is great!"

 Alan was scarred for life. "This ... is disgusting."

 Rudgar and Eric weren't bothered by the film and though Ronald had cheered up some, he'd watched this film countless times with Adrian while at college and had already fallen asleep on Alan's shoulder.

\----

 Claude came home just before ten and walked into the living room. "Ya' back early." Eric said.

 "Yes, they rushed the meeting so that the staff could go out to a bar afterwards. I didn't much fancy the supervisor drunkenly hitting on me, as he does everytime. He is married with three children for goodness sake." Claude eyed Ronald. "Someone looks as if they need to go to bed." He lifted Ronald up carefully and carried him from the room.

\----

 The following Saturday, Claude took a trip to the supermarket. The trolley was already loaded with milkshakes and cakes. He entered the coffee and tea aisle. A cup of the most expensive coffee in the whole store and a spliff before a shower was, in his opinion, the best way to start a work day. He spotted Rachel stacking shelves in the aisle and walked up to her. "They have taken you off of the checkouts?" He asked.

 Rachel looked over at him. "Oh, hello Claude. Yes, until they can get enough staff for stock management."

 "I wondered the reason for not having seen you."

 "It really is a tedious job. So ... who was that cutie that I saw you with last time?"

 "Which one? There were two deemed as cute with me that day."

 "Oh ... yes the brunette was adorable but I meant the blonde boy. Is he a relative?"

 "No. He is my fiancé. "

 "Awwh, that's sweet. Where did you meet him?"

 "He was studying at college when I first met him." Seeing Rachel's confused expression, he added "he sustained a brain injury a few years back."

 "But ... he looks so young."

 "He turns twenty four soon."

 Rachel smiled. "Well ... he obviously makes you happy. You normally never smile."

 "He does indeed."

 Rachel glanced at her watch. "I finish my shift in five. How's about us grownups go for some coffee? I know this quaint little shop just down the road."

 "I would love to but I am afriad that I cannot. Ronald will begin to fret if I am away for too long."

 "Oh ... okay. Never mind then."

 "You can come for coffee at my house if you wish?" Claude added, seeing a sad look cross her face. "I don't mind really. We have been talking for the past three years."

 "We have but you reglected to mention Ronald. I always thought that you were a bachelor."

 Claude nodded, grabbing his coffee. "I'll wait for you outside."

\-----

 The door to the Faustus home opened and the two walked into the living room. Ronald was watching TV with Alan and looked over at them as they entered. "Ronald, I hope that you remember Rachel from our shopping trip." Claude said. 

 The blonde eyed her, before grinning and nodding his head. "Is it very nice to see you again." Rachel stated.

 Claude turned to her, two shopping bags in hand. "How do you take your coffee?"

 "Two sugars and rather milky, please."

 "Certainly." He left for the kitchen, just as Eric was coming out.

 He looked at Rachel. "Hey."

 "Hello."

 "Eric."

 "Rachel."

 "I'm Alan." Alan joined the conversation.

 Eric lifted up the tubing and pouch he had in his hands. "Do ya' mind us feedin' Ronnie in here? Ya' not squeamish, are ya'?"

 "No ... no, it's fine."

 Eric moved over to Ronald, lifting his top up and connecting the tubing to his port. He grabbed the cup of water from the coffee table that he'd placed there before Claude returned and flushed the tube through. As the feed was pushed in, Ronald's eyes began to slip shut. "Ya' not sleepy, are ya?" Eric asked. Ronald nodded. "How? It's only jus' gone eleven - were ya' and Claude up all night?" Ronald nodded again, a sleepy smile on his face. "Dirty bastard."  
\-----

 Ronald had woken up a bit by the time Rachel stood up to leave. "Would you like a lift back?" Claude asked.

 "No but thank you. I only live about five minutes walk from here. I don't like driving." Claude walked her to the door. "Ronald really is such a sweety. He seems so happy."

 "He is, I think. He really has been so brave these past few years."

 "So when's the wedding?" She winked at him.

 "I don't know if we will ever actually get married."

 "Oh?"

 "Ronald's health is stable for the moment but he could relapse at any time."

 "Oh ... I am sorry to hear that."

 Claude nodded, opening the door. "You are welcome back anytime."

 "Thank you."

\-----

 A few weeks passed and Ronald's spasms had increased again. On the plus side, he'd been to a dietician appointment and had gained up to 116lb. He was also due to start psychical therapy again the following week and his spasms weren't so bad as to not be able to use the laminated cards.

 Claude rolled over in bed, having just woken up. His hand trailed down Ronald's bare back and onto his bottom. The younger grunted, pulling his hand away and making Claude frown. "Is something the matter?"

 Ronald rolled onto his back and sat up shakily, pointing to his stomach. "You have stomach ache?" Ronald shook his head.

 "Hang on." Claude got up, grabbing the cards from the drawer. He laid them out on the bed and watched as Ronald pointed to each one in turn.

 I FEEL SICK. NOT IN THE MOOD FOR SEX RIGHT NOW.

 "I am sorry."

 CAN YOU JUST CUDDLE ME? I'M KNACKERED.

 "Yes, of course."

 LOVE YA.

 "Yes, I love you too." The cards were picked up and put back into the drawer, before Claude got back in bed. "You do look a bit pale actually." Ronald nodded, easing himself back into a lying position. Claude pulled him close. _You have no idea how much I fret when you so much as catch a cold._


	130. C*nt.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is too short Omg aha.

 A little over two hours later, Ronald woke back up. "Are you feeling any better?" Claude asked and Ronald nodded. "Good. Maybe it was all those milkshakes last night that made you feel ill." He retrieved the cards again as Ronald sat up.

 DUNNO. NOT GIVING THEM UP FOR ANYTHING. THEY ARE BRILLIANT.

 "How could you know? You can't even taste them."

 A hurt expression crossed Ronald's features. "I ... am sorry. That was uncalled for." Ronald pointed angrily to the cards again.

 CUNT. The blonde flopped back down in bed and turned over, facing away from Claude and causing the cards to slip off of the bed.

 "Ronald, I said that I was sorry. Please don't go in a mood with me." **_Fuck y'! It's not my fucking fault that I can't swallow!_**  Ronald grunted an angry reply.

 "I didn't -." He heard Ronald sniff. "I am sorry for upsetting you. That was indeed stupid of me." Ronald wiped a few stray tears away with a shaking hand and then turned over to face Claude. The elder lay down also, kissing Ronald's forehead. "My apologies." The blonde nodded, before shifting closer to him. "Are you okay?" Another nod.

  _ **I guess I have to be, don't I?**_  
\------

 The next month went well, Ronald having been to many appointments at the hospital. In the times when Ronald's spasms would die down, he was, after a few week's practice, able to hold a pen, though his writing was scarcely legible. Today was the 14th of June, Ronald's birthday. Eric wasn't able to skip university for the occasion as it was almost the end of his final year. He would begin his preregistration year in September.

 Alan had begun to leave little notes and letters around the house, either on the kitchen table or on the coffee table. They ranged from quick 'I love you' messages to 'get to bed. Now.'

\----

 When Sascha came home from the café around midday, he, Claude and Alan took Ronald out birthday shopping, Claude having booked the day off. They came back an hour and a half later and helped Ronald to unwrap the presents that everyone else had given him. Opening a small black box that Grell had brought him, he grinned and pulled an item out. "What ... is that?" Sascha asked.

 "Anal ... beads." Alan stated, heat rising on his face.

 "I will have to thank her." Claude said.

 The rest of the gifts were just some clothes, a gift card for the cinema and another batman figurine to add to his collection.

\-----

 That evening, Eric shouted up to Alan from the kitchen. "Al, want some pot brownies?" Grell and William, Adrian and Sebastian, as well as Alisha, Luna and Angelina were due to be arriving at the house in an hour. Darren and his friends hadn't long left.

 "Please!"

 "No more weird questions though!"

 "Okay. I ... promise!"

\-----

 Meanwhile, Ronald and Claude were in their bedroom, when Ronald pointed to the black box which was placed on the chair in the room. "You wish to try out those beads?" Ronald nodded. "Very well." He captured Ronald's lips and pushed him down on the bed. As he pulled away, he heard Ronald gulp. "Did you just ... swallow?"

 Ronald blinked up at him for a moment, before trying to swallow consciously. ** _I ... I did it!_ ** He smiled widely and nodded enthusiastically. "Oh ... that is wonderful." Claude crashed their lips together again. _**Yes! I might be able to eat skittles again soon!**_

\-----

 The next day, Eric came home from university and found a note on the kitchen table. It wasn't the usual note that he was expecting.

  _Eric, can we get married soon too? We've been engaged for ages. -Alan._


	131. Not yet.

 Walking upstairs, Eric entered his room. Alan turned to face him. "Did ... you see the note?"

 Eric's face fell. "Yeah ... I did."

 "So ... when can we?"

 He shoved his hands in his pockets. "Not ... yet."

 "What? Why? But ... you get paid for the preregistration year, right? We ... can afford it then."

 "Yeah, I do."

 Alan bit his lip, before asking "don't ... you want to marry me? Have ... I done something ... wrong?"

 "No ... it's not that."

 "Then ... what's the problem? Why did you propose if -."

 "I want Ronnie to ge' married first. They've been engaged for ages and well, after all tha' he has fought through, it jus' doesn't feel right ta' me ta' beat him ta' it."

 "But ... they might never get married."

 "They will. Ronnie's doin' really well again. Hopefully he'll be able ta' eat again soon and talk and stuff."

 "Then why did you propose? You ... just got my hopes up and -."

 "Because Ronnie was doin' great then. He could talk and everythin' when ya' got back. I never thought tha' he'd ge' really ill again."

 "But Rudgar and ... Sascha got married."

 Eric shook his head, moving to sit down next to Alan. "Yeah but they didn't see Ronnie when he first got engaged. Remember how happy he was? He didn't shut up talkin' 'bout tha' weddin' plans and stuff until he left our room tha' night."

 Alan couldn't help but smile at the memory. "Yeah ... he was so happy."

 "And high."

 A soft giggle came from Alan, before he replied. "So, so high. You're ... sure that it's just because of that? You ... do want to marry me eventually, right?"

 "Of course." He wrapped his arm around Alan's shoulder.

 "So ... when Ronnie ... is well enough, can we have ... a double wedding?"

 "That's a brill idea, Al."

 "Somewhere ... tropical."

 "Ya' think?"

 "I think that ... Ronnie would like ... to get married on a beach."

 "Well he did wanna' go ta' tha' Bahamas for his honeymoon."

 "I just hope ... that he stays well this time. I always worry about ... us losing him."

 "So do I. Are ya' okay? I ... haven't upset ya' too much, 'ave I?"

 "No ... it's fine. I mean, I'd have ... liked to get married soon but ... it's actually better if we wait. It's worth ... the wait and a double wedding ... would be so cool."

 "So ya' not pissed off?"

 "No. You ... have done so much to make me happy and if waiting until Ronnie is married makes you happy, then I'll gladly ... do it. It's ... time I returned the favour."

 "Thank ya', Al." He pecked Alan's check and then unwrapped his arm from him, lying back on the bed. "Though, can't wait ta' see ya' in a weddin' dress."

 Alan turned to look at him. "I'm ... not wearing a wedding ... dress."

 "Hey ... let a guy fantasise a bit."

 Alan crawled on top of Eric, sitting back on his hips. "Wasn't ... the french maid costume good enough?"

 Eric shuddered internally, hands shifting up to hold Alan's hips. "Ah ... tha' was so sexy ... don't remind me."

 "But you ... want me to dress up in a dress?"

 "I'd love tha'."

 Alan smiled. "I'll see what ... I can do."

\------

 Months passed and it was now the end of October, two days before Halloween. Ronald and Claude returned home from the hospital, the blonde smiling widely. "What did ... the speech and throat specialist ... say?" Alan asked.

 "That Ronald can begin to take some of his liquids orally. If all goes well, he can then move onto soft foods like yoghurt after his next appointment in two weeks time."

 "That's ... great, Ronnie." Ronald nodded enthusiastically.

\----

 Later that day, Claude filled a glass with Skittles milkshake and placed a straw in it so that Ronald wouldn't swallow too much at once. He passed it to Ronald, only to have his hand spasm and milkshake splash onto him.

 Ronald whined softly and Claude took it from him, sitting on the sofa next to him and raising the glass up. Ronald sucked some up the straw, before swallowing carefully. His eyes instantly lit up.

 "Is the taste to your liking?" Claude asked and Ronald nodded, tears welling up in his eyes. _**It's so ... nice.** **I've been ... waiting for ... this ... for four years**_. They began to trickle down his face and Claude placed the glass on the coffee table, thumb wiping his tears away. His hand then moved to rub Ronald's back. "You really are doing so well. Such a fighter." Ronald smiled through his tears, snuggling up to him.

\-----

 A while later, the glass was raised again and as he got near to the bottom, he began to cough. "Let's leave it for tonight. I'll give you the rest through your peg." Ronald shook his head, determined to finish the milkshake. "I wish you not to choke." Ronald pointed to the note pad and pen on the coffee table. It was passed to him.

 Ronald tried to write, only for his hand to spasm again, ink creating a messy, diagonal line. He grunted and tried to steady his hand, writing slowly. Claude squinted at the scruffy sentences once they were complete. NO. LET ME AT LEAST TRY TO FINISH THIS GLASS. PLEASE.

 "Okay ... as you wish." Slowly, the rest of the liquid was drained from the glass. He scrawled another sentence. THANK YOU.

 "There is no need to thank me. You have done all of this on your own." The glass was placed on the table, Claude pulling Ronald into a kiss. As it parted, he said "I am so very proud of you."


	132. How ... could you say ... something like that....

 That night, Alan rolled over in bed. "I think I'm going ... to dye my hair a different colour ... tomorow."

 "Hn ... ya' goin' ta' tha' hair dressers tomorow, right?" Eric asked sleepily.

 "Yep. I'm ... getting bored ... of bright blue."  
"I dunno' why ... ya' don't let me do ya' hair. Ya' know tha' my mom's a hairdresser. Or she way before she had us."

 "Because ... you'd probably shave it all off."

 Eric chuckled. "I'd do no such thing."

 "Ask ... Ronnie."

 "Ask him wha'?"

 "If he wants his hair ... doing. All the ... black has ... grown out again."

 "Good point. I'll ask him after Halloween. We ... gotta' ge' all tha' stuff for the party tomorrow after I finish work."

 "You sound so tired, Eric."

 "Yeah, I ... am."

 "Because you work ... seven days a week. You ... should give up your weekends at the bookstore."

 "Na. Jus' in case I don't ge' a job ... straight away in pharmacy. That's if I even qualify. There's not enough jobs ... for pharmacists at ... tha' minute." He yawned, his eyes slipping shut.

 "You will get a job. Didn't ... the manager there say ... that you were really good?"

 Receiving no reply, he turned back on his side and found that Eric had fallen to sleep. _I'm worried that you're ... going to burn yourself out at this rate._ Turning again, he snuggled back into Eric's chest and pulled his arm around his waist.

\-----

 The next day, Eric came home and found that Alan had, as well as having his hair trimmed, changed the colour. It had been bleached and dyed bubble gum pink. "Do ... you like it?" Alan asked, biting his lip at the end of his sentence.

 "Fuckin' adorable."

 Alan blushed. "Thank you. Oh I have .... some good news actually."

 "What's tha'?"

 "Ronnie has started to ... use those Hnn and Nnn sounds again."

 "Really?"

 "Yeah, not long after you ... left for work."

 "That's brill! Soon he'll be talkin' again!"

 "He will."

 "So ready ta' go shoppin' for tha' party?"

 "Yeah ... sure."

\------

 It was now Halloween night and the house was full of people. Fake cobwebs hung from the ceiling and a plastic skeleton lay on the stairs, scaring Alan whenever he popped up to the bedroom. Adrian had invited the triplets along, who were all already drunk on beer. Grell was leant on Claude's shoulder and William was chatting to Sebastian and Alan in the living room.

 Alisha, Sascha and Luna were dressed as werewolves and were chasing Betty around the house, Finny laughing everytime they ran past him. Darren and Snake were chilling in the kitchen and Ronald was sitting on a chair in the living room, eyes glassy with tears.

 Eric walked over to him, dressed as a vampire. "What's wrong, buddy?"

 The blonde scribbled on his note pad. NOONE WANTS TO TALK TO ME. IT'S LIKE I DON'T EXIST.

 "That's not true. Adrian was chatting ta' ya' earlier."

 YEAH BUT NOONE HAS SPOKEN TO ME IN THE PAST HOUR. THEY MUST THINK I'M BORING OR SOMETHING BECAUSE I CAN'T TALK BACK.

 "Of course they don't."

 "Hnn." Ronald replied sadly. CAN YOU JUST TAKE ME TO BED? I DON'T WANNA' BE AWAKE RIGHT NOW.

 "No. We're playin' spin tha' bottle in a bit. Tha' should cheer ya' up."

 "Nnn." NOONE WANTS ME TO SLOB ALL OVER THEM.

 "Yeah right. It'll be spit exchange central in a bit."

 "Nnn." JUST TAKE ME TO BED.

 "Nope. I got somethin' ya' might like actually. Be right back." Eric rushed off into the kitchen, coming back with a glass and straw. "Sour apple energy drink."

 Claude overheard Eric talking and walked up to them. "Don't be stupid. You are well aware that anything with large amounts of caffeine can trigger seizures."

 "But he's had chocolate cake before and been fine." Eric stated.

 "He has in small portions, yes. But he isn't allowed coffee or tea either. That chemical abomination is highly caffinated. Are you trying to kill him!?" Everyone in the living room turned their attention to the pair.

 Eric's face dropped. "Shit ... yeah. I didn't think."

 "How an earth are you going to become a pharmacist? You'll end up overdosing someone."

 Eric eyed the floor. "I said I was sorry. I'm ... exhausted, okay?"

 "That is no excuse. You are a complete -."

 "At least I don't run off when things ge' too hard!"

 "Excuse me? You wouldn't have a roof over -."

 Ronald tugged at Claude's trousers, tears streaming down his face. "N ... Nnn."

 "What is it?"

 Ronald grabbed his pen. I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS ARGUING.

 "I am sorry."

 IT'S NOT ME YOU NEED TO SAY SORRY TO.

 Claude sighed. "You are correct." He turned back to Eric. "I am sorry."

 "K. I'm goin' ta' bed."

 Adrian rushed up to Eric, grabbing his wrist. "I don't think so! It's game time."

 Alan came up to them both. "Eric ... can I have a word?"

 "Yeah ... sure."

 They walked out into the hallway. "What was ... all that about?" Alan asked.

 "Nothin'. Claude jus' bein' a cunt."

 "Because you tried to give Ronnie an energy ... drink, that's why. He just ... got worried."

 "I ... know. I wasn't even thinkin' of tha' caffiene. Jus' thought it'd be a nice change for him. I jus' wasn't thinkin'."

 "Yeah, because you're ... exhausted. You're going to ... run yourself into the ground at this rate."

 "I'm fine."

 "No, you're ... not. You work nine until six five days a week and then ... come home and look after Ronnie with us and then ... make everyone dinner. Then you ... work five hours Saturday and Sunday. You need rest. We ... never spend any time ... together anymore."

 "Stop whinin' at me! We can't spend every hour of every day together anymore! This ain't like college."

 "I'm ... not whining. I'm just saying that ... you should be careful. You don't want to stress yourself out ... like Claude did."

 "And start snortin' coke?! I ain't a fuckin' druggy like ya' and him."

 Alan's eyes glazed over with tears. "How ... could you say ... something like that ...."


	133. Spin the bottle (the second installment.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Longest ever chapter. Bit of smut between the spin the bottle and ***Two days later *** bit. Feel free to skip. 
> 
> Man, 2500 words. Took me seven hours. 
> 
> I needed a little crack and cuteness for this ... because ... well you will see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cuntish = like a cunt / cunt like (behaviour.)  
> Sascha's German = you mother fucking -.

 Eric didn't reply and Alan's lip quivered. "That ... was really mean, Eric."

 "I ... know."

 "You ... don't really think ... that, do you? That half of your ... family are ... nothing ... but drug addicts?"

 Eric gripped his trouser leg. "No ... I don't. Tha' ... was really cuntish of me. I ... I'm sorry."

 Alan's expression softened. "You ... really are exhausted. You ... wouldn't have said that ... if were feeling ... like yourself."

 "Maybe I am. I should ... probably go ta' bed."

 "Nope. We have ... to play spin the bottle."

 "True tha'. I should really take these fangs out."

 Alan smiled at him. "I love you, Eric."

 "I know, Al. I love ya' too." Alan moved closer to Eric, hands rubbing up his chest. "Oh, ya' got tha' glint in ya' eyes. Am I in trouble tonight?"

 "I do actually have a surprise for you ... if you still feel like being surprised."

 "Yeah." Eric's hands slid down to grab hold of Alan's bottom. "I really like tha' sound of tha'."

 "Then don't ... get too drunk tonight."

 "Alright."

\-----

 Everyone gathered on the floor in the living room, Ronald resting his back against the sofa, legs outstretched in front of him. Eric had taken his fangs out, the werewolves removing their masks. The bottle was spun for the first time and pointed to Eric and then Claude. Typical. "Well ... go on." Alan said. "Kiss and make up."

 Claude made his move first, moving over to Eric and kissing him lightly. Eric smirked into the kiss, before pushing Claude's back to the floor and straddling his legs. He bent down for a long snogging session. "Hehehehe, who would have guessed that those two were arguing just ten minutes ago." Adrian giggled.

 Eric eventually got off of a breathless Claude and the bottle was spun again, Sascha and Alan paired up. The German launched himself at Alan, kissing him deeply and making Alan's cheeks flush.

 Next up was Angelina and Adrian, the redhead eyeing him with disdain. "You have got to be kidding me."

 "I'm not that bad, am I?"

 Luna chuckled. "Well you are a bit freaky. Go and get him, honey."

 "Tsk." Angelina moved forward, grabbing Adrian by his costume collar and dragging him into a heated kiss.

 "Whoop." Luna cheered.

 The bottle picked out Sebastian and Claude next and they eyed each other nervously. Ronald tugged at his shirt, before winking at him. _**Gimme' a sexy eyeful.**_

 Adrian laughed again. "Bassy, do as the bottle commands." Sebastian nodded, moving towards Claude. "Don't forget the tongue action." Sebastian choked on a gasp, before Claude complied, kissing him and shoving his tongue into the other's mouth. "My, my. The old farts are pretty entertaining."

 Alan was then paired with Claude. "Umm...."  
Claude smirked at him. "Well, whatever are you dawdling for?"

 "Come on Al, give us a show." Eric took a swig of beer.

 "O ... okay." He moved onto Claude's lap, pecking his lips. Claude cupped the back of his head, pushing his tongue passed his lips and sliding it against Alan's. The smaller man moaned softly into his mouth, cheeks turning a darker pink.

 Claude pulled away. "Aww, someone does look disappointed." He crashed their lips together again.

 Pairs of Eric and William, Grell and Ronald, Ronald and Adrian, Timber and Claude, Sebastian and Luna, Alan and Grell, Alisha and Angelina, Finny and Thompson and Rudgar and Canterbury followed.

 There was then a knock at the door and everyone wondered just who was knocking at this time. Eric got up to answer, expecting a late trick or treater. Rachel smiled at him. "Sorry that I am late, I was put on the afternoon shift at work. The party hasn't ended, has it?"

 "Na. Jus' playin' spin tha' bottle."

 "Oh ... that sounds like fun."

 She and Eric took a seat on the floor. Next up was Ronald and Alan. Alan smiled, shifting over to kiss Ronald, letting Ronald's tongue slip into his mouth. He pulled away after a while. "You ... taste like milkshake, Ronnie."

 "Hnn."

 The bottle then paired up Sascha and Claude, the smaller man paling noticeably. Claude quirked an eyebrow. "I do not bite, I assure you."

 "That's a ... shame. He likes ... biting." A tipsy Rudgar stated.

 "Rudgar! Sie mutter ficken -!"

 Rudgar cut him off. "I love a man who's fiesty. So sexy."

 Sascha was about to snap at him again, when he realised that Claude was right in front of him. "Oh ... shit ...." Claude grabbed his shoulders, pulling Sascha on top of him and kissing him roughly. Sascha pulled away, grinning. "Oh ... Rudgar. He is a good kisser. You really must be paired with him."

 Getting a stroke of luck, once Ronald had been paired with Eric and Rachel with Alan, Claude's bottle stopped at Rudgar. A deep kiss was exchanged, before Rudgar span and the bottle landed pointing at Sebastian.

 Sascha grinned again. "So sexy."

 Sebastian's hair was tugged sharply, Rudgar kissing Sebastian with force.

\-----

 As most of the guests left, Grell swayed over to Ronald. "Ronnie dear, how's about we pair up again? I really have missed our foursomes."

 Ronald smiled widely and nodded. "Hnn!"

 "What do you say, darling?" Grell turned to Claude.

 "May I have a moment alone with Ronald?"

 "Sure thing." She moved into the kitchen with William.

 "Ronald, are you sure about this? After what happened with Sebastian, I do not want your feelings to be hurt."

 Ronald scribbled a note down. NO. I WANNA' HAVE SOME FUN. IT'S FINE AS LONG AS WE'RE NOT DOING IT BEHIND EACH OTHER'S BACKS, RIGHT?

 "That is correct. Are you sure that you are well enough for this though?"

 WELL IF I'M WELL ENOUGH TO BANG YOU, I'D SAY SO.

 "Very well."

\----

 Upstairs, Eric was waiting for his surprise outside of his bedroom door. "Okay ... I ... I'm ready!" Alan shouted. The door was opened and Eric stared in awe. Alan was dressed in a lacey long sleeved wedding dress, veil in place over his face. "Do ... you like it?" He asked nervously.

 "Damn ... Al." Eric rushed over to him, lifting his veil up and letting it drop to the back of Alan's head. He noticed that Alan had eyeliner and light brown lipstick applied. "Fuckin' beautiful."

 "It ... took me a while to save up for it. I mean ... it's not too expensive because it's going to ... get dirty anyway, right?"

 "Tha' it is." Alan was pulled into a deep kiss.

\----

 A while later, Ronald was sat on Williams lap on the sofa, the elder thrusting up into him sharply. Grell was knelt up in between Ronald's legs, mouth wrapped around him. Claude was watching the scene play out. "I told you not to be too rough with him."

 Grell lifted her head away from Ronald. "We aren't being too rough, are we darling?"

 Ronald shook his head. _**Na, I like it rough.**_

 "Are you sure?" Claude asked.

 "Hnn!" A gasp left him, as William thrust up again. _**I've fuckin' missed this.**_

\-----

 Alan was bent over the bed, skirt of the dress folded over his back. Eric grunted, pulling Alan's hips closer and rocking his hips through his climax. He pulled out and shifted to lie down on the bed.

 "That ... was quick." Alan stated.

 "Yeah ... we ain't ... done it in months. Guess ... I was 'bout ta' burst. Feel ... way better now though."

 "Umm ... Eric."

 "Yeah?"

 "I didn't ... you know ... finish...."

 "Shit. Sorry babe, I must ... really 'ave been needin' tha'." Alan giggled, only to be cut off by Eric's next sentence. "I am so sorry for wha' I said earlier. Tha' was out of order."

 "It's ... okay, Eric."

 "It's really not."

 "I've said things too when I've been in ... a bad mood. Things I didn't mean. Things that have hurt you. I understand, I really do. Lack of sleep ... can really mess with your head."

 "Thank ya'."

 "Umm ... so, can we ... carry on?"

 "Sure. I think tha' little guy is wakin' back up again. Hop on."

 "For one, it isn't little. Two ... you just want me on top ... so that I can ... do all of the work."

 Eric chuckled. "Ya' said it ya'self, I'm exhausted."

 "Then I'll just have ... to 'hop on'."

 "Yeah. Not like I will ge' much sleep tonight anyway. Not wi' all tha' noise."

 "You mean Grell?"

 "Sascha and Rudgar mainly. He's loud enough even when he isn't drunk."

 "But he never ... gets drunk."

 "He does when he's downed like fifteen shots."

 "Very true."

\------

 Grell moaned loudly, pressing herself down onto Ronald on the sofa. The blonde gasped, his stomach churning with nearing climax, nails digging into Grell's soft thighs. Claude and William were fucking like rabbits behind the furniture.

 They wouldn't be sleeping in their own beds tonight, the four of them instead passing out on the floor around 5am.

\----

***Two days later***

 Eric came home, bag of hair products in hand, containing q tips, dyes and an electric shaver. Ronald had already picked out what style he wanted.

 A towel was placed over Ronald's shoulders and Eric picked up the shaver. "Wha' side is tha' big ol' nasty scar?" Ronald pointed to his left side. "We don't want ya' lookin' like Adrian. 'Ave always wondered where he got all of them scars." Ronald shrugged his shoulders. "Guess we'll never know. How far up do ya' want it shavin'?" Ronald gestured to the curve of his skull. "Alright."

 The hair was quickly but evenly shaved on the right side and then Eric grabbed some gloves and mixed the three different dyes seperately. He then rubbed patrolum jelly onto Ronald's neck and ears, before grabbing a q tip and dipping it into the black dye. O and C shapes were smeared onto Ronald's short hair and then clean q tips picked up, the rings filled with brown and pink alternate colours. The dyes were washed off after thirty minutes.

 Eric grabbed the hair dryer and styled Ronald's hair, sweeping the long hair over to the left. He then retrieved a mirror. "So, do ya' like tha' leopard print?"

 "Hnn!" Ronald's eyes filled with happy tears.

 "I bet Claude will be ravagin' ya' between tha' sheets tonight."

 "Hnn!" _**Hell yeah! I got swag.**_

 Eric laughed. "At least ya' don't look fourteen now. Plain hair jus' doesn't suit ya'."

  ** _Y' right about that. Thank you, Eric._**

 "Claude!" Eric called him into the room.

 "Are you done?" Claude asked as he entered.

 "Yeah. Wha' do ya' think?"

 Claude smiled. "It suits you well, Ronald."

 Ronald grinned and then sneezed loudly. Eric chuckled. "I think tha' fumes 'ave got ta' ya'." He tapped Ronald on the shoulder and then left the room.

\-----

 "Everyone has their hair fun colours and mine is just so boring." Sascha complained. "I must dye it. What colour do you think?"

 "Green and silver." Rudgar replied.

 A tut was heard, before Sascha spoke. "I am not walking around as the Slytherin coat of arms, you giant stupid nerd."

 Rudgar smiled and shrugged. "It was worth a try."

 "Just because you fantasise over Professor Snape."

 Rudgar's jaw dropped. It took a while for him to compose himself. "I do not!"

 "Or Draco Malfoy. Like I know or care."

 "Cheeky."

 "Oh, I know. Very cheeky."

\-----

 A week and a half passed and to Ronald's glee, he was now being moved onto pureed food and yoghurt. Claude had popped into the pharmacy Eric was working at with a prescription and came back with some high calorie nutrition supplements; Nutillis stage three fruit pots. These were too thick to be taken from a cup and would have to be fed by spoon.

 Claude found Ronald sitting on the sofa, Alan painting in front of him. He carried Ronald to the bedroom and grabbed the pharmacy bag. "Which flavour would you prefer?" He pulled out two different packs. "Apple or strawberry?" Ronald pointed to the strawberry. "Damn, I forget the spoon."

 Claude left and came back quickly, pulling the lid from the pot and scooping up a small portion of meal. Ronald took it from the spoon and swallowed. "Did that go down okay?"

 "Hnn."

 "Glorious." The rest of the pot was eaten.

 "Was the taste to your liking?"

 "Hnn."

 "And you haven't got stomach ache?"

 "Nnn."

 "And you aren't feeling sick?"

 Ronald rolled his eyes and gestured to the note pad on the floor. Other pads were located in the living room and kitchen. It was passed to Ronald and he wrote slowly through his shakes. I'M FINE, STOP WORRYING SO MUCH.

 "I love you. That is why I become concerned."

 WELL I'M FINE RIGHT NOW.

 "But what if you become ill again?"

 DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT. I'M HERE NOW. THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA' THINK ABOUT.

 "Thank you."

 WHAT FOR?

 "Because though you have been hurt time and time again, you still look out for other's more so than yourself."

 ALWAYS WILL, BABE.

 "My sweet boy."

 MAN.

 "My mistake."

\------

 It was now the 30th of November, Claude's birthday. Unbeknownst to the household, Ronald had been trying his hardest to speak properly since Halloween. He had also gained to 120lb, only ten pound less than when he was first assaulted. He'd be seen again just before Christmas and would hopefully move onto solid food. Half of his meals were taken orally now, the large liquid pouches via his peg.

 Eric was back to 205lb and was hitting the gym in between work and coming home. Alan was still worried that he was going to burn himself out completely and Sascha could still not decide on which colour to dye his hair.

 That night, Claude and Ronald had just finished a session and were lying in bed together. "Ha ... ha."

 Claude's eyes went wide. "Did you just say something?"

 Ronald took a deep breath and concentrated harder. "Hap ..." He grunted. "Ha ... happy .... Claude. C ... cap - crap. Happy ... bir ... Claude." The blonde pouted and Claude's eyes began to fill with tears.

 "Thank you, Ronald."

 "Nnn!" **_Let me finish!_ ** "Happy ... bi ... birthday ... C ... Claude."

 "I have ... waited for so long to hear that beautiful voice of yours again." Ronald reached a shaky hand up to wipe Claude's tears.

 "Not ... gunna' ... go - give up ... until I ... can play fod - footie ... again."

 "I know. You really are oh so brave."


	134. Pneumonia.

 On the fifthteen of December, Claude came home from the doctors with Ronald. The younger man had been suffering from a bad cough and shortness of breath for the past two days. Rudgar had booked the week off and was home when he arrived. Claude looked slightly panicked.

 "What did the doctor ... say?" Alan asked.

 "That Ronald has contracted mild pneumonia." Claude replied.

 "Is he going to have ... to go to the hospital?"

 "Not unless his condition worsens."

 "Really?" Rudgar interrupted. "I thought that he would have to, due to being high risk. I mean, he has been on a ventilator before. Who was the doctor?"

 "I ... d ... don't wanna' ... go ... back ta' tha' ... hospital again." Ronald said before coughing.

 Claude placed his hand on Ronald's shoulder. "You won't have to, as long as you do not get any worse. Hopefully the antibiotics will serve their purpose." He looked back at Rudgar. "It was doctor Arun."

 "Oh ... okay. He has more experience than me so he is probably right."

 "He ... said ... tha' ...." Another cough. "I need ta' ... keep an eye ... in - on ... my temperature."

 "Let's get you to bed." Claude stated. He then wheeled Ronald to the bedroom and lifted him onto the bed. Antibiotic liquid was then given orally and Ronald lay down in bed.

\------

 That night, Ronald woke up from a nap. "How are you feeling?" Claude asked.

 "R ... rough. Still ... breathless ... too."

 "Let's check your temperature."

 "Jus' ... don't shove it up ... my ass."

 "Well I did buy one of those but if you keep still, I'll just use the ear thermometer."

 "Me? Keep ... still? Don't ... think so ... somehow."

 "You always have been a fidgeter."

 The thermometer was retrieved and Ronald's ear shell pulled on gently. The tip of the device was put into his ear canal and Claude pulled it away once it had beeped. "It's a little high but nothing of extreme concern."

 "C ... cool."

 "Would you like something to eat?"

 "N ... no."

 "I never thought I'd hear you say that."

 Ronald coughed, before saying "Yeah ... c ... 'cause I ... feel like ... shit. Jus' wanna' ... sleep."

 Claude got back into bed, pulling Ronald close. "Then sleep."

 "N ... no ... s ...shit, Sherlock."

\-----

 Claude was woken up around 2am by the sound of heaving and the feel of Ronald pulling on his nightshirt. He helped Ronald to sit up, the blonde shaking terribly. Claude rubbed his back as Ronald began to throw up bile. As his neusea settled, Ronald wiped his mouth. "I ... think ... I ... h ... had a seizure ... in ... my sleep. Feel ... really funny."

 "As in dazed?"

 "Yeah."

 "You haven't had a seizure in your sleep for over a year. Do you think that you need to go to the hospital?"

 "N ... no."

 "Are you sure?"

 "Yeah. I ... I'll probably ... feel ... better ... by tomorow."

 "But if you get any worse, I will have to take you."

 "A ... alright."

 "Let's get you cleaned up."

\------

 The morning came and Claude came back into the room, having just gotten ready for work. Ronald had still had a low appetite so Claude had just fed him half of a pouch through his peg. He bent down to peck Ronald on the forehead. "I will see you later."

 "Do ... y' ... 'ave ... ta' ... go?"

 "I will only be gone for five hours. Just try to rest and drink plenty of fluids."

 "O ... okay."

\-----

 Once Claude had left, Alan came into Ronald's room. He took in Ronald's appearance, dark circles under his eyes. "You ... look terrible."

 Ronald turned his head to look at him. "T ... Thanks."

 Alan moved to sit on the bed. "Has .... your breathing gotten worse?"

 "Yeah."

 "Why hasn't Claude ... taken you to the hospital?"

 "'Cause ... I told ... him tha' I ... felt better."

 "Ronnie!"

 "I ... don't ... want ... he - him ... ta' worry."

 "You ... need to tell him ... when he gets back."

 "I don't ... wanna' go ta'." He paused, trying to catch his breath. "Go ... ta' ... tha' ... hospital."

 "Why not?"

 "Don't ... like ... tha' ... place." He coughed weakly. "They ... will ... keep ... me in for ... ages. I like ... this room. It ... has tha' pictures ... of my family ... on tha' walls. Tha' ... makes ... me happy.

 "They ... won't keep you in for ... any longer than needed. Please ... just tell Claude ... when he gets back."

 "No."

 "Then I'm phoning an ... ambulance."

 "No. Please ... I ... I ... don't wanna' ... be stuck in ... tha' place again."

 "Well if you get any ... worse I'm going to have to."

 Ronald blinked at him. "O ... okay."

 "And you ... need to tell me if ... you are. Pneumonia is serious."

 "A ... alright."

 "Do you need anything? A drink ... or food?"

 Another sickly sounding cough. "Just ... tea or somethin'."

 "Okay."

 Alan came back into the room with some berry flavoured tea, as Ronald wasn't allowed any tea with caffeine. The blonde sat up and sipped at it before lying back down in bed. "I ... think ... I'm jus' ... gunna' try and sleep."

 "You need to ... drink. You're going ... to get dehydrated otherwise."

 "Yeah ... later. Can ... you ... lie down wi' ... me?"

 "Sure but ... finish your tea first."

 Ronald rolled his eyes. "Fine."

\-----

 Claude came home just after two and went straight to the bedroom, finding Alan and Ronald asleep. He shook Alan lightly. "Hmm ... yeah ... awake." Alan eased himself away from Ronald and sat up.

 "How has he been?"

 "He ... had a seizure not ... long before we both fell to ... sleep. Umm ... around half nine."

 "Why didn't you phone me!?"

 Alan frowned. "Because ... he normally has a few seizures a day. It ... wasn't unusal."

 "No. He had one in the night and one this morning."

 "Oh ... I didn't know."

 "Has he -." Claude paused. "His breathing has gotten really bad." He shook Ronald awake. "Ronald, I am going to have to take your temperature, though I already feel that we will need to to go the hospital."

 Ronald didn't answer, instead blinking up at him. Claude went to retrieve the thermometer and tried to press it into Ronald's ear. The blonde pulled away, whining at him. "Ronald, stop squirming or I am going to have to use the rectal thermometer." He tried again but Ronald wouldn't keep still. Claude sighed, moving to grab the rectal thermometer from the drawer. Pulling the covers back, he pulled Ronald's pj bottoms and underwear down and turned him on his side.

 "Can't you ... just take it orally? I mean ... that's a new thermometer, right?" Alan asked.

 "It is but Ronald is breathing through his mouth, not his nose. If I take his temperature like that, the reading will be inaccurate."

 "Oh ... okay."

 The end of the thermometer was rubbed with petroleum jelly and inserted by about an inch. Ronald whimpered, hand moving to pull it out. Claude grabbed his wrist, lifting his hand up to kiss it gently. "I know it is uncomfortable. I am sorry but the doctor told me to check your temperature at regular intervals, so that is what I am doing." Claude also didn't want Ronald to be kept locked up in the hospital and was hoping for a low reading. Hoping that the antibiotics were beginning to work and that Ronald's breathing would improve in the next few hours.

 "He ... seems really disorientated." Alan stated.

 "He ... does actually." Ronald was, not really being sure of his surroundings. The only thing he could concentrate on was the feeling that his body was being burned from the inside and the pain in his chest that seemed to be spreading. The hammering of his heart as his pulse began to increase. He definitely didn't want to be touched.

 When the thermometer was retrieved, Claude just stared at the reading. "What does it say?" Alan asked.

 "That ... cannot be right. How ... has his temperature gone up to 40°c since this morning?" Claude dropped the equipment into the sink next to the bed and eased Ronald's clothes back up. He placed Ronald's hand back on the bed and shook him lightly. "Ronald, can you hear me?" Ronald didn't respond, his eyes becoming unfocused. "Call an ambulance. Now!"

 Alan grabbed his phone and dialed 999, just as Ronald began to seize.

 "How is he deteriorating so ... quickly ... before our very eyes?" Claude whispered.

 "I ...don't - hello. I need an ... ambulance to Six Melville Drive. My ... friend has pneumonia but his temperature has ... shot up. He ... he's really sick." The women on the other end spoke. "He's ... still conscious but ... he's completely out of it. He ... he's having a seizure." Another question. "He is ... yes."

 Ronald began to choke as his seizure ended and Claude scooped the lodged vomit from the back of his mouth. Moments later, he started seizing again, his lips turning a tinge of blue.

\-----

 By the time he was in the ambulance, his blood pressure had plummeted to 70/50 and medication was administered to stop his seizure. A breathing mask was then placed over his noise and mouth. The bacterial infection had spread and he was going into septic shock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research used:  
> Different types of thermometers.  
> How pneumonia is treated at home.  
> When pneumonia needs hospital attention.  
> Pneumonia complications - sepsis  
> Septic shock and symptoms.


	135. Intubation.

***3.46pm***

 Claude looked up from the seating in the hallway near to the ICU "So you ... received my text then."

 "I did." Sebastian replied. "The students were quite pleased with class coming to an early end." Sebastian took a seat next to Claude. "So, what happened? Your text was awfully vague."

 "Do you recall last night when I ... phoned to tell you that Ronald had ... contracted pneumonia?"

 "I do. It has worsened?"

 Claude took a shaky breath. "The ... doctor hasn't long informed me that ... Ronald's infection has spread and ... caused widespread inflammation. His bloodstream ... has become flooded with ... bacteria and his body went into septic shock."

 "Oh ... may I ask ... what his condition is now?"

 "I have no idea. They were trying to stabilise him ... last time I heard from the doctors and bring ... his blood pressure back up."

 "Do you know of his prognosis?"

 "Not promising. They are worried that his ... organs may ... fail. His lungs were already ... struggling by the time the ambulance arrived."

 "They had to intubate him again?"

 Claude gulped and nodded, trying to find some way of explaining what he had seen. "They ... couldn't find a vein ... and even with the face mask, his ... oxygen levels were dropping."

 "They didn't have to ... open ... his tracheostomy ... site again, did they?"

 "No. They ... weren't able to sedate him, so they had to ... strap him down ... and then insert the tube via his mouth. He ... he was crying, shaking and ... gasping for breath and started gagging once ... the tube was inserted. The sounds that ... were coming from him ... it ... it just chilled me to the bone."

 "That is awful." Sebastian paused to ponder on a thought. "I am surprised that they let you witness such a thing."

 "I wasn't budging until I knew that ... he'd got at least an airway. He looked so frightened. I don't ... think that he realised what ... was going on or understood why these people ... were manhandling him. I never, for as long ... as I shall live, want to see anything ... as horrific as that again. "

 "They had to do what was necessary, as painful as it was for him."

 "I know that! It's - I just wanted to ... hold him and protect ... him from the people who were causing him distress, but I have never been able ... to protect him. I have always failed ... to keep him safe."

 "This is not your fault. You have always tried to keep him safe but you are no doctor. You cannot prevent serious illness."

 "No ... I should ... have stayed home! He asked me to and I ... just -."

 "You wouldn't have left him if you'd have thought he was going to get this sick."

 "It was ... awfully sudden. In five hours he'd gone from being able ... to talk to barely being able to breathe."

 "Then how could you have prepared for it? Stop blaming yourself." He reached out to give Claude's hand a comforting squeeze.

 "I cannot help it. When do I not ... blame myself? He didn't look very well of the morning but I was foolish ... enough to believe his words. Looking back, I think that he was lying to me because he didn't want to end up back here."

 "Then it isn't -."

 "I thought that Ronald was out of the woods! That he was getting better ... finally, after four long years. And now, he is ... on ... death's ... door again."

 "Maybe this will be the last hurdle he will have to face." He let go of Claude's hand, instead pulling him into a sideways hug. Claude let his tears fall then, loud sobs overtaking him.

 "It ... is ... going to be ... his last - I just need ... to see him. I ... need to ... say goodbye."


	136. Waiting game.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the super short chapters. Currently in London.

***4.02pm***

 Sascha and Rudgar came home, Sascha having finally dyed his hair. It was now auburn with black dip dyed ends. Walking down the hallway, he found Alan crying on the second step of the stairs. Sascha quickly moved over to sit by him. "What is wrong?"

 Alan looked him, his eyes puffy. "Ronnie's ... really sick again."

 "Oh ... no."

 "I've just ... had a text from Claude and ... Ronnie ... went into septic shock. He still hasn't ... been allowed to see him."

 "Septic shock? Rudgar, is that bad?"

 Rudgar eyed the ground. "Very. I think ... it is something ... like half the people with it ... die."

 Alan began to weep loudly and Sascha snapped at Rudgar. "Rudgar, why did you say that!?"

 "You ... asked?"

 Sascha grumbled under his breath, before turning back to Alan. "Does Eric know?"

 "No ... he doesn't. He's a work, so ... he ... won't see his phone."

 "Tell him then. He needs to know about these things."

 "I ... know but I don't know ... the number to the work."

 "Then just pop into the shop. Tell him that way."

 Alan took in a shaky breath. "Yeah ... I really should."

 "Would you like us to come with you?"

 "N ... no. I'll be ... okay."

\----

 Alan was at the pharmacy half an hour later. It was the one he'd been to years ago, not far from the college, when his stitches had become infected. It was also the pharmacy Claude would use for Ronald's prescriptions.

 He approached the desk and asked the health care assistant there if he could speak with Eric. She went to fetch him, coming back a few moments later with him.

 Eric took in his appearance. "Al? What's wrong?" He quickly gestured over to the consultation room door. "Follow me."Once inside, Alan took a seat. "Al, what's goin' on? Why are ya' here?"

 "It's ... Ronnie. He ... he's really poorly. Claude ... said he's ... got septic shock." Eric just stared at him. "Eric?" The blonde's legs gave out. "Eric!?" Alan was quickly knelt at his side. "We ... should go to ... the hospital. He ... he might not have long left."

 "I ... can't, Al. I - work - six ... o'clock."

 "Do you want me ... to ask the manager ... if you can finish early? She shouldn't ... mind."

 "Er - yeah ... okay." Eric stood up shakily, sitting down on the chair Alan was first occupying.

 Alan walked out of the room and asked the same lady if he could speak to the manager. She soon came out onto the shop floor. "Can I help you?"

 "Umm ... yeah. Eric's family ... member is really sick ... and ... umm ... they just got rushed into hospital ... but Eric's ... scared to ... ask you if ... he can go ... now ... instead of at six. I ... I'm his ... friend."

 The pharmacy manager frowned. "When were they rushed in? If it was earlier today, he should have just said. I don't bite."

 "No ... no, it was ... umm ... a few hours ago. I just ... found out ... myself."

 "Yes, tell him to go. That's no problem at all. Is he going to be alright?"

 "I think ... that he's just shaken up." _I hope_.

\----

 Meanwhile, Claude and Sebastian were still waiting in the hallway when the doctor finally came to speak to them. Claude stood up quickly. "How ... is he?"

 "I ... am afraid that we are still struggling to bring Ronald's blood pressure back up to a safe level. Even with the medication we have administered, his body doesn't seem to be responding to it as well as it should."

 "Then he ... isn't going to make it ...."

 "We do not know that yet. We have started him on intravenous antibiotics to treat his infection. Hopefully by tonight, his body will have begun to respond to that medication and his fever will have decreased slightly."

 "How ... much of a chance does he have, honestly?"

 "One in ten right now I would say."

 "Oh ...."

 "Would you like to see him? It may only be for a short while though, as we may need to change over his blood pressure medication."

 "I would."

 "His skin has also begun to present a rash. This is not too uncommon with sepsis. Try not to let it alarm you."

 "Okay. T ... thank you."

 They were taken into the ICU, where a nurse was keeping a close watch over Ronald. IV lines were attached to his hand, arm and ankle, a catheter and drainage bag in place to monitor for urine output. This was needed to assess if his kidneys were still producing urine as they should. The ventilation tube was in place, as were pads connected to Ronald's chest to monitor his heart rate. A clip was attached to the end of his finger to monitor his blood oxygen levels.

 Claude took a seat next to Ronald, taking in his appearance. Pale, almost grey skin and closed eyes framed by dark rings. Tiny red dots formed a rash from his neck, down to the section of chest that was exposed and across to his right arm.

 His hand was held softly, Claude feeling hot, clammy skin against his own. Sebastian placed a comforting hand on Claude's shoulder, as the other man began to cry again. "He ... already ... looks ... dead."

 "No Claude, he-."

 "Yes he does! He ... he's just so pale. It ... it's as if his soul has already ... left him.".


	137. Not long left.

 Eric and Alan left the pharmacy and got into Eric's car. The key was shoved roughly into the ignition. "Eric?" Alan received no reply. "You ... you're shaking."

 "I'm fine."

 "You ... aren't."

 "Yes I am!" The car pulled out of the car park.

 "You ... shouldn't be driving ... if you're shaking ... like that."

 "Al, stop buggin' me."

 "But -."

 "Shut up!"

 Alan flinched and didn't say another word for the rest of the journey.

\----------

 The couple found Claude and Sebastian waiting outside of the ICU. "How is he?" Eric asked.

 Sebastian was the one to answer, Claude just eyeing the floor. "Ronald is struggling at the moment."

 "Yeah, obviously. Wha' has tha' doctor said?"

 "His blood ... pressure plummeted again." Claude stated, looking up at Eric. "We were only able to see him for ... a few minutes before ... his vitals began to go haywire. They ... are currently trying to stabilise him again."

 "Shit."

 "Though they have so ... far failed to increase his ... blood pressure to a normal level."

 "He's still on antibiotics though, right?"

"He is, though they ... also haven't begun to work. His fever is still ... extremely high." Eric nodded solemnly and moved to take a seat. "I'd go home if I were you. I doubt that we will be able to see Ronald again ... any time soon."

 "I don't think so some -."

 "Eric." Alan interrupted. "Claude's right. We ... should go home and try ... to get some rest. He ... he'll phone us ... when we are ... allowed to see Ronnie."

 "No!"

 "Eric." Claude said. "Go home and get some ... sleep or something. You ... look almost as pale as he does. I will phone you ... should Ronald's condition ... change. "

 Eric grunted a response before storming away from them. Alan followed him. "Eric?"

 "Leave me alone."

 "Why?"

 "Because I told ya' to."

 "No." He picked his speed up, until he was walking at Eric's side. "Why are ... you in such a bad mood? This ... isn't like you." Eric didn't answer, the two leaving the hospital and heading in the direction of the car park. "Eric, talk to ... me!"

 "Fuck off."

 "Why have you ... been snappy with everyone since ... Halloween?"

 "Fuckin' shut up!"

 "No!"

\-----

 Their conversation had just become more heated by the time they walked through the front door. "Eric!?"

 "Wha'?!"

 "Just ... tell me what's wrong."

 "There's nothin' wrong. I keep tellin' ya' tha'." Eric dropped his keys on the hallway table and headed upstairs. Alan stayed close to him.  
"Yes there is! Why ... won't you just ... give up your ... weekend job!? You're exhausted and ... stressed and -!"

 "Alan. Fuckin' be quiet." Eric growled at him.

 "No!" Eric headed for their bedroom, Alan still just a few paces behind him. "Why can't you ... just see that I'm worried for your health?"

 "Well don't be worried for mine! Ronnie's tha' one on death's door!"

 "Well ... tough. You're shaking all over. Please ... just talk to me."

 The blonde kicked his shoes off and lay down on the bed. Alan quickly followed, moving to straddle Eric's waist. "Alan, wha' tha' hell are ya' doin'?" Alan bent down to kiss Eric's neck lightly, earning a throaty groan. His hips ground down and he was immediately thrown off onto the bed. "Wha' tha' hell? Is sex all ya' fuckin' care 'bout?"

 "What? No ... I - how could ... you think that?"

 "Ya' seem pretty hell bent on tryin' ta' stuff my dick in ya' mouth or somethin'."

 "We haven't ... had sex since Halloween, so how can ... you think that I'm obsessed with it?"

 "Ya' even remember tha' last time we did it. That's -."

 "I was ... just trying to help you relax! It ... used to ... work for Jacob."

 Alan was quickly shoved off of the bed. "Don't ya' dare compare me ta' him!"

 "I ... wasn't. I ... was just saying -."

 "Ya' should leave. Now."

 "No!" Alan quickly got back onto the bed, wrapping an arm around him. "Please just tell me ... what's wrong."

 "There's ... nothin' wrong." Eric's voice began to crack. "Jus' drop ... it, okay? Please."

 Alan could feel him beginning to shake again. "Yes there is. You ... wouldn't be getting ... so angry if nothing ... was wrong. I know ... it's not just Ronnie either. You've ... been ... being cranky for ... weeks now." Eric turned away from him and began to cry. "Eric ... please. I ... I'll be here for you, whatever it is."

 "N ... no."

 "Is ... someone upsetting you ... at work?"

 "No."

 "Something ... to do with ... your family back ... home?" Eric began to cry harder and Alan tried to dig a little deeper. "Are ... your ... family okay?"

 Eric finally cracked. "Dad's ... really sick."

 "Is ... he going to be ... okay?"

 "No."

 "What's ... wrong with him?"

 "I ... don't wanna' talk 'bout wha' he has but ... he ain't got long left."

 "Why not?"

 "Because it'll ... seem too real then and ... I'll ... fuckin' lose it."

 "It's ... okay to be upset." Eric didn't respond. "When ... did you find out?"

 "Not long ... after Ronnie got assaulted. That's when he first started ... havin' symptoms."

 "Wha .... what? That ... was almost ... five years ago. Why ... didn't you say anything?"

 "Because ... Ronnie was really sick ... and ya' were in tha' psych ward." Eric turned back to look at Alan.

 "But you can ... talk to me. I ... can try to support you."

 "When ... we first found out 'bout it, tha' doctors had given him ten years. But it's ... gettin' worse quickly."

 "So ... it's like a degenerative condition?"

 "Yeah.'

 "You ... should ... go visit him. I ... should come with you."

 "I ... know tha' I need ta'. That's ... why I've been workin' ... so hard. I know tha' I'll probably be off for ... a few week's when he - but I need ta' pass too. I don't want tha' manager ta' not sign me ... off jus' 'cause I've ... had ta' go back ta' Kent."

 "Well if you don't ... pass this year -."

 "It doesn't work like tha'! I might ... not ge' another chance. Now tha' ... Ronnie is sick, Claude's probably ... not gunna' be in work for long and ... I need ta' support my family. Can't ... let Rudgar pay for everythin'. Tha' ain't fair."

 "Are ... your real family ... able to support themselves?"

 "Dad's got mega ... savings, yeah."

 "N ... no wonder you've been stressed. I'm ... sorry for giving you ... such a hard time."

 "Sorry for ... shovin' ya' off tha' bed."

 "It's okay. We ... all lose our tempers at times."

 "Y ... yeah."

 Alan turned on his back. "Hug?"

 "Please." Eric lay his head lightly on Alan's chest, hands moving to fist Alan's jumper.

 He wrapped his arms around Eric as best he could. "I'm ... here to support you, Eric. I'll always ... be here for you."

 "Th ... thanks. Why ... is bein' grown up ... so hard?"

 "I ... don't think ... life has ever been easy." At that moment, Eric's phone rang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Eric and Alan haven't been to Kent for like 6? years.


	138. Roles reversed.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't update yesterday. First time in four months that I haven't posted.

 "Who ... was it?" Alan asked as Eric ended the call.

 "Claude."

 "What ... did he say?"

 "Tha' they 'ave got Ronnie stable."

 "Oh ... thank goodness."

 "Yeah. He ain't out of tha' woods until tha' antibiotics start doin' their job. All they've done at tha' hospital is brought his blood pressure back up and given him fluids."

 "I ... tried to make sure ... that he was drinking enough ... but he wanted to go to sleep. He only ... had one cup of tea."

 "Yeah. Well, it was better than nothin'."

 "I shouldn't ... have fallen ... to sleep."

 "Wha'?"

 "I fell to sleep with ... Ronnie earlier. If I hadn't ... then I would have noticed ... that something was wrong. He might ... have been okay."

 "Don't go blamin' ya'self. We didn't get any sleep last night thanks for tha' screamer in tha' next room. Sascha really needs gaggin'."

 "It ... was make up sex."

 "Eh?"

 "Rudgar and ... Sascha had an ... argument just before you came back yesterday."

 "Over wha'?"

 "I don't know. They ... were screaming ... at each other ... in German."

 "Ah, okay. It still wasn't ya' fault tha' ya' fell asleep. None of this is ya' fault."

 "But -."

 "Ya' probs would 'ave fallen ta' sleep even if ya' tried ta' keep ya' eyes open."

 "Yeah ... I guess."

 "Ya' looked knackered this mornin'."

 "I ... was."

 "Well then. I'm sure tha' Claude's blamin' himself too but tha' person I blame is tha' shitty doctor who didn't send Ronnie ta' tha' hospital in tha' first place. He should 'ave never stayed at home."

 "Rudgar ... thought the same. Can ... we go and see him then?"

 "Yeah ... we can."

\-----

 When the couple arrived at the hospital, they found Sebastian and Claude in the room, Claude fast asleep on a chair. Eric felt a shudder run down his spine at seeing Ronald looking so sickly. "No one ... told me tha' he was back on a ventilator."

 "He was having difficulties with his breathing." Sebastian replied.

 "Damn." He took a few steps closer to Ronald and bent down to peck him on the forehead. "Come on, mate. Ya' can beat this. Ya' ... survived a stroke for ... God's sake. This ... is nothin'." His voice cracked, knowing full well how serious Ronald's ailment was. "Ya' can ... ge' better in no time but ... jus' ... don't ... give up fightin'. Please ... don't leave us."

 Alan walked to Eric's side, holding his partner's hand. He gave it a gentle squeeze when the blonde began to cry. A silent 'I'm here for you'.

 "I'm going to take Claude home." Sebastian stated. "I doubt his back will fare well in that position."

 Eric sniffed. "Need ... help liftin' him?"

 Sebastian scooped Claude up bridal style. "No. He is a lot lighter than one would expect."

\-----

 That night, Eric and Alan came home around ten pm and found a note left for them by Sebastian, telling them that Claude was asleep upstairs and that he'd gone home for the night. The two made their way up to bed.

 Once changed, Alan walked over to the bed. Eric quickly followed and they both got under the covers, Eric turning away from him. "Eric?" Alan said after a while. 

 "Wha'?"

 "Can ... I have a cuddle?"

 "Umm ...."

 "Or ... can I hold you?"

 "P ... please." Eric turned over and Alan saw the tears dripping down his face. He moved closer to Alan and the brunette wrapped one of his arms around him. Eric rested his head on Alan's shoulder. "Not ... too heavy, am I?"

 "N ... no."

 "K."

 "I ... I'll always be here to support ... you, Eric."

 "Thanks."

 "No ... matter what."

 "Thank ... you. I really ... need support right now. I'm ... I'm starting ta' crack."


	139. Gagging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read end notes.

***Two days later***

 Alan quickly made his way up the stairs, having just heard the front door and then the bedroom door slam. He found Eric sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on his knees, face pressed against his palms. "Eric?"  
Receiving no reply, he was quickly at Eric's side, arm wrapping around his back. "What's wrong? Your ... dad, is he -?"

 "He ...." Eric raised his head to look at Alan. "He's ... no ... worse than a few ... days ago."

 "Then why ... are you crying?"

 "I'm ... fine."

 "No ... you're not. No ... secrets, remember?"

 "I ... I'm not used ... ta' lettin' people see how upset ... I am. I normally ... jus' keep it locked away."

 "I know ... but I'm here ... to listen. I ... told you that I'll always be here for you."

 "I ... know."

 "Did something ... happen at work?"

 "No. I'm ... jus' so ... sick of everythin' right now. I jus' want ... Ronnie ta' be ... okay. I jus' ... want my dad not ta' die. Why do ... bad things always happen ta' us?"

 "I ... don't know, Eric."

 Eric shook his head. "This ... world is too fuckin' cruel."

 "It is but ... we can get through this. We ... still have each other, right?"

 "Yeah, we do."

 "I mean... we've been ... through so much already, we can ... get through this. We just ... have to ... keep strong."

 Eric nodded weakly. "Can ... we snuggle?"

 "I'd like ... that."

\----

 The next morning, a Monday, Claude had just entered the hospital room. Ronald's condition had improved, the antibiotics having begun to work within the first 24 hours to bring his temperature down to 39°C.

 He found Sebastian already in the room. "What are you doing here? You are supposed to be at work."

 Sebastian smiled. "I called in sick."

 "For what purpose?"

 "To give you some support. I wish you not to go back to snorting that vile substance after you did so well to become clean."

 "I do not require a baby sitter."

 "Then tell me to leave."

 Claude started at him for a moment. "No ... stay. I could use the company." Hearing movement from his side, he turned to see Ronald's eyes flutter open. Within an instant, the blonde began to gag, eyes filling with panic. His hands moved up to pull the tubing out but Claude moved close to him swiftly, pinning his arms back at his sides. "Ronald, calm down. You cannot pull that tube out."

  _ **Why are y' - I ... can't breathe with ... this thing shoved down my throat! Let go of me!**_

 Ronald struggled against him, tears slipping from his eyes and heart beginning to beat rapidly. The heart rate monitor alarm went off in the room and a nurse raced in, more sedative being administered.

 After a few moments, Ronald's movements slowed and finally stilled. As his eyes began to slip shut, Claude released his grip and kissed him tenderly on the forehead. "It ... is alright, my angel. Things ... will be okay again soon."

 The nurse left the room a short while later and Claude collapsed onto the bedside chair. "He ... looked ... so frightened."

 "He did but he will be better in a couple of days and then that tube will be removed. The doctor has said so himself."

 "Yes and I am ... dreading it."

 "What? Why would you? It is a good sign."

 "Because he will no doubt be distressed when they bring him around ... from the sedatives. They don't remove the ... tube while he is under sedation because they ... have to first find that he can breathe on his own."

 "Oh ... I see."

 "He will no doubt already be traumatised from ... being intubated while conscious."

 "I do not think that he will remember it, being as ill and delirious as he was."

 "I hope to God that you are right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I did some research and found that doctors will usually not exubate a patient until they are conscious.


	140. Heaving.

 A few hours later, Sebastian returned to the room holding two cups of coffee. He saw Ronald shifting his head from side to side in his sleep, eyes screwing shut.

 "He looks so distressed." Claude stated.

 "He is just having a nightmare. The doctors have stated that it is a known effect of the sedatives, as are hallucinations."

 "I wonder what if he dreaming about. I hope to God that it isn't about Baldroy."

 "As do I. Has he ever had nightmares over him before?"

 "As far as I know, no."

 "That is reassuring."

 "I suppose that it is. I just wish I could do something to relieve his panic."

\----

 It was now the 22nd of December, a week since Ronald had been admitted to the hospital. He'd woken from the sedatives and become panicked twice more in the last two days. 

 It was now time to take him off of assisted breathing. The staff were now just waiting for Ronald to wake up, the sedatives having been withdrawn. "Sebastian, would you mind waiting outside?" Claude asked. "I just think that it would be best if he wasn't crowded. He will probably be anxious as it is."

 "Of course, I understand."

 "Thank you." Sebastian left the room.

 Another twenty or so minutes passed, before Ronald began to stir. He began to gag for a few moments and the tube was quickly removed, irritating his throat on the way out. He heaved a few times and then was sick. Before the hospital staff could react, Claude pulled him up into a sitting position and rubbed his back soothingly. "It is alright, Ronald. I am here."

 The blonde spat onto the bedsheets and then spoke hoarsely. "I ... wanna' ... go ... home."

 "I know that you do. Are you able to breathe properly?"

 "Y ... yeah. Jus' ... take me ... h ... home."

 The doctor spoke up then. "I am afriad that you will not be going home for a while yet. Not until you are fully better." He pulled his stethoscope out. "I need to listen to your chest."

 "N ... no. Leave ... me alone!" He coughed then, his throat feeling raw.

 The doctor moved closer. "I know that you are -."

 "Don't ... touch me!" Ronald moved sharply, pulling out an IV line by mistake. "I don't ... want y' pokin' and proddin' me ... anymore!"

 "Ronald, please just let him listen." Claude stated. "He isn't going to hurt you."

 "N ... no."

 "They just need to see if your lungs are beginning to clear of the infection."

 "And if all is well, we can move you onto a general ward." The doctor added.

 Ronald huffed. "Fine."

\-----

 Ronald was moved to a general ward a few hours later, his pneumonia having gotten somewhat better. "I ... still feel proper ... groggy."

 "Well they did have you sedated for a week. It will take some time for those drugs to wear off." Claude replied.

 "Hn. Hungry ... too."

 "You must be feeling better."

 "A ... bit, yeah."

 "I shall go and get you a milkshake." Claude stood up.

 "No!" Claude frowned at him. "Do ... don't go. I ... don't want ta' ... be left here on my own."

 "You will not be on your own." Sebastian stated.

 "I ... don't want him ta' ... leave."

 "Then I shall get you the milkshake instead."

 "Oh ... thanks."

\----

 Sebastian came back a while later, McDonald's milkshake in hand. "I am sorry. I forgot to ask you which one you wanted."

 "Na ... McDonald's is ... tha' bomb. Thanks."

 Claude took it from Sebastian and pushed the straw in, before holding it up for Ronald to drink from.

\----

 Later that day, Sebastian had left the hospital and a nurse came into the ward with a tray containing a feeding tube, syringe, container of water and bottle of feed. "Ge' tha' ... hell away from me!" Ronald shouted at her, his voice beginning to come back properly. The poor nurse flinched.

 "I am sorry." Claude apologised. "Ronald is just a bit shaken up at present. May I?"

 "You ... know how?"

 "Of course."

 "Then ... I suppose that it is okay. Just this once." She handed a box of gloves over to Claude, who slipped them on quickly. He then hooked Ronald up and began to feed him.

 "Man ... I'm knackered." Ronald said and then yawned. 

 "Well after this you can go to sleep."

 "Good."

\----

***The next day***

 A glass of water was grabbed from the bedside table and thrown across the room. "Why ... can't I!?" Claude had just informed Ronald that the doctors weren't going to release him before Christmas. The blonde was now fuming, Eric and Claude in the room with him.

 "Ronald, please calm down."

 "I've ... been here ... for eight days already! I jus' ... wanna' ge' out of ... here!"

 "I know but you are still not well enough. The doctors want the infection to clear completely before you are released."

 "But ... I jus' wanna' ... go home for Christmas."

 "Don't worry, mate." Eric said. "We ain't gunna' open our presents until ya' come home."

 "R ... really?" Ronald asked.

 "Yeah."

 "But ... wha' if Sash ... gets pissed 'bout it?"

 "He won't. He wants ya' home as much as everyone else."

 "Ah ... k. Why hasn't Kid ... come ta' visit me yet?"

 "Al did when you were ... out cold. He jus' really hates seein' ya' in tha' hospital."

 "Ah ... okay. He ... still cares though, right?"

 "Of course he does."

 "Got - good."

 "Want us ta' bring a pressie down on Xmas day for ya'?"

 "Yeah. Tha' would be rad."


	141. Can't go.

 It was now the 2nd of January, Ronald having been discharged on the 29th of December. Alan and Eric had taken him out for Hogmanay, the Scotish New Year, wrapping him up warm and just staying outside for a few hours.

 Everyone in the house had noticed how depressed Ronald seemed compared to when he had first gotten the infection. While at the hospital, they'd had to take him off of his antidepressants as they would have reacted with the sedatives. Ronald had then refused to go back onto them, telling Claude that they never helped in the first place.

 Still, Claude thought there was more to Ronald's low mood than just the lack of medication. It was time to coax Ronald into telling him. As the couple were sat in bed that night, Claude turned to him. "Ronald, you seem depressed as of late. What is the matter?"

 "It's nothin'."

 "So there is something wrong. Please do tell me."

 "It's ... stupid."

 "Of course it isn't. If something is troubling you, I need to know."

 "Why?"

 "Because I will do whatever it takes to help you."

 "Okay ... b ... but don't laugh ... at me."

 "Why would I laugh at you?"

 "Because ... it's ... fu ... fuzzin' dumb." _ **I meant fucking! Stupid ... brain.**_

 "It is not. Now tell me."

 "K .... It was ... tha' tube bein' shoved ... down my throat."

 "I ... see."

 "Tha' all y' ... can say? Don't y' ... realise ... how horrible it was!?"

 "Of course I do! I was there to witness it."

 "It's jus' too ... fuzzin' ... familiar."

 "What do you mean?"

 "Y' don't ... know wha' happened ... after Joker took ... me upstairs."

 "You have never told me and I have never dared ask."

 "They ... beat me ... with tha' ... crowbar and then ... Joker raped me ... again and then shoved his dick down my throat. I ... can't ... really ... remember it all tha' well, tha' stab wound was gettin' ... tha' best of me, but ... I think I threw up ... and then ... choked. Then when ... I woke back up again ... they'd untied me and Eric was there."

 "I ... do not know what to say."

 "I was ... so scared ... when I was in ... tha' hospital. Thought I couldn't breathe. I kept gaggin' and ... they tied me down ... and shoved a needle in me. I ... it fuzzed ... wi' my brain."

 "I understand completely."

 "How ... could y'?"

 "Because I know what it is like to feel as if you cannot breathe. Baldroy used to sit on my chest and cover my nose ... and mouth with his hand. It ... still haunts me to this day."

 "Bloody ... hell."

 "It ... is alright."

 "No-."

 "Have you ever had nightmares about that night?"

 "Not ... really. I've had ... flashbacks though. More since ... this hospital visit. They're ... always worse ... when you're not ... around though."

 "I ... am sorry."

 "Tha' last ... few days when you've ... been at work its been ... really bad. Like I'm ... there again."

 "You are not. I ... am here now."

 "Yeah. I think ... talkin' 'bout it jus' now has helped."

 "You should always come to me when you are feeling low. Nothing that you say is ever stupid or unimportant."

\-----

 A week later, Ronald had been to a rescheduled dietician appointment. They'd told him to stick to pureed food for the time being, in case he accidently inhaled any food particles. That would just increase his risk of pneumonia again.

 Eric came home and found Alan in the living room. "Al, I need ta' talk ta' ya'."

 "Okay?"

 "Upstairs please."

 "S ... sure." Once upstairs, Alan asked "what is ... it?"

 "I got some time off work. I'm leavin' tomorow to go home for a week. Need ta' see my dad."

 "O ... okay. I'm coming too."

 "No ya' not."

 "W ... why not? Don't you want me ... there?"

 "It ain't tha'. Ronnie still needs lookin' after."

 "But Sascha ... can do that."

 "No. He's at work in tha' café for a few hours a day and Claude probably can't ge' anymore time off of work."

 "But I should be there -."

 "Al, please. If I found out tha' anythin' had happened ta' Ronnie while we were away, I'd never forgive myself."

 "I - okay ... then. I just ... want to be there to support you."

 "Then I'll ... phone you."

 Alan nodded. "Okay ... then. Text me too. I'll ... reply as quickly as I can."

 "Thank ya', Al."

\----

 Eric left on the Wednesday and the next day Claude came home from getting some weed to speak to Ronald. "Ronald, I am afraid that I have been called for a meeting down in London. I will be away for a few days."

 Ronald's eyes immediately filled with tears. "N ... no. You ... can't go. I ... can't cope wi'out y'!"

 "Trust me when I say that I wished not to leave you but this meeting is compulsory. As I've been a member of the branch for ten years, I have to now go to meetings held every five years."

 "N ... no. Claude ... babe, please ... don't leave me!"

 "It is only for two days. I will drive back as quickly as possible."

 "It'll take y' ... like ten hours!"

 "I ... am aware of that."

 "Please ... don't do this."

 "It is not my choice!"

 Ronald began to sob. "But ... I can't ... deal wi' all these flashbacks and ... ship ... wi'out y'!"

 Claude moved onto the bed, cuddling Ronald close to him. "You can. You have Alan here to support you. I am sorry, Ronald but I have to go now or I'll never make it in time for tomorow's meeting."

 "N ... no. Not yet! Y' can't!"

 "There is nothing that I can do. I have just received the phone call alerting me of this gathering."

 Claude moved to sit up but Ronald grabbed his coat, body beginning to shake. "Y' can't!"

 "I am sorry, I truly am." He pryed Ronald's hands away and walked away. Ronald hands flopped back onto the bed covers, tears streaming down his face.

 "I ... can't do ... this."

\-----

 That night, Alan was in Ronald's bedroom. He stood up to go make himself a cup of hot chocolate. "No, Kid!"

 "What ... is it?"

 "Don't ... go."

 "I was just going to -."

 "No! No, no, no!"

 "Okay ... I won't. Just ... calm down." He got back onto the bed. "I won't leave, okay?"

 "Good, 'cause I really ... wanna' do somethin' stupid right ... now."

 "What ... do you mean?"

 "I ... wanna' die. I jus' wanna' kill myself."


	142. Do not resuscitate.

 Alan had finally gotten Ronald to explain why he was feeling so depressed. “I … understand. Flash backs … are really hard.”

 Ronald nodded, tears trailing down his face. “Y … yeah.”

 “Do you want me to get you anything? A drink or … yoghurt or?”

 “No … jus’ come lie down wi’ me.”

 “O … okay.” Alan got under the covers, lying down on his side. Ronald snuggled closer to him, nudging his head under Alan’s chin. Alan wrapped an arm around him. “It … it’ll get better. It takes time … but it will.”

 “Yeah … I hope so.”

\----

 Ronald had fallen to sleep a while later and Alan eased himself away from him, intent on getting himself his cup of hot chocolate. As he opened the door, he heard Ronald whining in his sleep. Turning back to face him, he saw that the blonde was beginning to thrash around.

 “Shut up ... Hn ... ah ... bastard!”

 Alan hurried back to the bed. His hot chocolate could wait. Ronald shouted again.

 "Claude ... will never go … back ta' scum like y'!"

 The brunette shook him and after a few moments, Ronald began to stir. “Huh? Wha’ … what’s goin’ on?”

 “You … were just having a nightmare.” Alan said softly.

 “G … great. Nightmares … now too.”

 “It’ll probably get … better when Claude comes back.”

 “Yeah … I really … hope so.” At that moment, Titan came into the room and jumped up onto the bed. He always did know which member of the family needed fluffy cuddles. “H … hey boy.” Ronald sat up in bed, shifting to stroke the pup. Titan then jumped up at him, licking his cheek. “Eh … gross.” Ronald pulled a face but laughed lightly. “Y’ … really need a fu … fuzzin’ bath.”

 “I know.” Alan stated. “Me and Eric will have to do it … when he comes home.”

 “Good. He … stinks.”

 “Well … that’s a shame because … it looks like he’s … sleeping in here … tonight.”

 “Great.”

\----

 The next morning, Alan awoke to find Ronald tangled up in the bedsheet, sobbing his heart out. “Ronnie?”

 “I … can’t deal … wi’ this … crap.”

  Alan helped to untangle him and straightened the sheets out, before moving closer to him and cuddling him tightly. “It … will be okay.”

 “No! It … won’t. It … really won’t.”

 “It will. Just … stay strong.”

 “I … don’t think I can anymore.”

\----

 Claude came home the following morning and found Alan in Ronald’s bedroom. The blonde was asleep. “How has he been?”

 “Not … good. He’s been really upset and his … seizures have … been more frequent again.”

 “I see. May I have some time alone with him?”

 “Yeah … sure.” Alan quickly left the room and Ronald was nudged awake.

 “I am so glad to be back.” Ronald huffed, rolling away from him. “Do not tell me that you are still in a mood with me?”

 “No … I ain’t. I … I’m jus’ done.” The blonde stated.

 “What do you mean done?”

 “Wi’ everythin’. Tha’ hospital has jus’ … messed wi’ my head.”

 “Ronald -.”

 “I wanna’ ge’ a DNR signed. If … I ge’ ill again, I don’t … want a tube … shoved in me again.”

 “But-.”

 “Don’t ya’ think I’ve … got enough fuzzin’ plastic … in me!?” He buried his face into the pillow, his following shouts being muffled somewhat. “First … tha’ stupid NG tube and tha’ Diazepam and … then tha’ Peg tube and … tha’ fuckin’ tracheostomy and enemas! I’m sick of havin’ this thing drilled … inta’ my gut and … tha’ fuckin’ catheters bein' used on me. I never wanted them … ta’ shove any of this in me in tha’ first place.”

 Claude shifted around to the side of the bed that Ronald was lying on and sat down. “I know but it was required to keep you alive. Hopefully the Peg tube will be taken out in a few months once you are back on solid food and you may soon be able to urinate on your own.”

 Ronald paid his words no attention. “Jus’ ge’ me tha’ pissin’ paperwork ta' sign.”

 “I will not!”

 “Why not!? It’s my … body and … my choice.” Ronald looked back up at him, tears leaking from his eyes. “I jus’ don’t want … tha’ … trach tube back … in. If I get sick again … I don’t want ta' be shoved on any sort of … ventilator.”

 “I know that you are traumatised but do not let one bad experience make you do something so stupid.”

 “So y’ want … me ta’ suffer … more, is tha’ it?!”

 “No but if you allow yourself to die, how will you ever play football again? That is what you were so determined to do, wasn’t it?”

 Ronald blinked up at him. “Y … you’re right.”

 “Well then. You will be running on that football field again. Sometime, somehow. I know that you can do this.”

 Ronald sniffed, before he began to sob. “But why … are things … so hard?”

 Claude got into bed, scooping Ronald up and plonking him on his lap. “Life is hard but you have come such a long way. Your spasms are not as common as they used to be and you only have two more hurdles left to face. Eating solid food and walking. I know that with time you will get there.”

 “Y’ … really think so?”

 “I know so. I believe so very much in you.”

 “Then … I believe in myself too. I … can … do this. Thanks … babe.”

 “You are welcome.”

\----

 The following evening, Alan and Sascha were in the living room when the front door was opened and then slammed shut. Alan looked over to see Eric pass the door and walk upstairs. He quickly followed him to the bedroom. “Eric? You’re back … early.”

 “I know.” Eric stated, keeping his back to Alan.

 “I was … worried about you. You … didn’t phone or text or answer my … calls.”

 “Sorry.”

 “How is … he?” Eric turned around then, a pained expression on his face. He legs gave out and he fell to his knees, Alan rushing to kneel down next to him. “Eric?”

 “He … didn’t even … recognize me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DNR = Do not resuscitate order.


	143. Passing.

 "What ... do you mean that he ... doesn't recognize you? What ... is wrong with ... him?" Alan asked.

 "I ... don't wanna' talk ... 'bout it." Eric replied, a few tears trickling from his eyes.

 "Eric, please. If ... I don't know ... what's wrong, I can't ... understand and if I can't ... understand, I ... can't support you ... properly."

 "Al-."

 "He ... doesn't recognize you. Does ... that mean that he ... has Dementia?" Eric let out a shaky sigh. "I know it's hard to ... talk about but ... we don't keep things from each other anymore. That's a promise ... we made to each other, right?"

 "It ... is. It's early ... onset Alzheimer’s."

 "Oh ... Eric, I'm so sorry."

 "It's fine. There's nothin' ... anyone can do ta' stop it. It's not like Ronnie, there's ... no hope for my dad."

 "How ... long does he have left?"

 "A few ... months."

 "Oh."

 "Can ... we jus' stop talkin' 'bout it now? I jus' wanna' 'ave a cuddle and go ta' sleep."

 "Of course but if you ... do need to talk about anything at anytime, you know ... that I'm here for you."

 "I know, Al. Thank you."

 "Need help ... getting up? "

 "I'd crush ya', babe."

 Alan giggled softly. "You probably would."

\-----

 The next day, Claude came back into the bedroom and lifted Ronald's shirt up. Ronald's Peg port was lifted and the skin under it cleaned carefully and checked for signs of irritation or infection. Finding that the stoma site looked healthy, Claude let the plastic drop back onto Ronald's skin and pulled his shirt back down.

 "B ... babe?" Ronald asked.

 "Yes?"

 "My ... Peg. It ... don't gross y' out, does it?"

 "No, why would it?"

 "Dunno'." Ronald looked away.

 "I am grateful for it, if anything. It has kept you alive ... for this long."

 "A ... alright. It ... doesn't make ... me ugly?"

 "Of course not. You are still as beautiful as you have anyways been."

 Ronald smiled. "Thanks."

 "Is it uncomfortable?"

 "Na', not really. It hurts like a bitch if ... I catch tha' plastic bit on anythin' but that's it."

 "You mean your port?"

 "Yeah, Yeah. I ... hate it though. I mean, it ... shouldn't be there. It's not ... a part of me. I don't ... want it. Ta' be fair, it really ... fuzzin' grosses me out."

 "Why?"

 "'Cause it's a tube ... that's been ... rammed through my skin ... and inta' my gut. Fuzzin' nasty ... ship, man."

 Claude reached out, hand slipping under Ronald's shirt. His thumb rubbed the skin a couple of inches under Ronald's Peg. "I see what you mean. This contraption will soon be removed though, do not worry about that."

 "And tha' ... catheters too."

 "They also disgust you?"

 "Yeah and ... ta' be honest, y' hurt ... me wi' them sometimes."

 "What? How? Why have you never told me this before?"

 "Y' ... didn't ask. I - and y' don't mean ta' ... be rough wi' me, right?"

 "N ... no. I never realised. I am so sorry."

 "Well at least y' ... know now."

\----

 A few hours later, Claude took more care in pushing the catheter in. "Does that hurt?" He asked.

 "N ... no." Ronald stated. "It's ... okay if y' do it slowly. Thanks."

 "No, thank you for telling me."

\-----

 Five and a half weeks passed and Eric had begun to cheer up some, as had Ronald. Alan had helped to support them both. During those weeks, Eric would spend some time each night on the phone to his mother. Today, the pharmacy manager approached him, seeing that he was upset. "Is everything okay?" Mrs Rooprai asked. "Your family member, is he sick again?"

 "Yeah ... he is."

 "The one who you said had pneumonia?"

 "Na ... he's doing really well now. It's ... my dad that's sick."

 "Oh ... I am sorry."

 "It's ... alright."

 "That friend of yours who comes in sometimes, the brunette? He looks so much better than he used to."

 "Wha' do ya' ... mean?"

 "I remember some years ago when you and him came into the pharmacy. He looked so ill. I thought that he was terminally ill to be fair."

 "Ya' ... ya' remember tha' far back?"

 "Of course I do. Some patients stick out in my mind. He looks healthy now. It is very good."

 "Yeah, he's doin' really well."

 "But he is not just a friend?"

 "No ... he's my fiancé."

 She smiled. "That is so very sweet."

 "Thanks."

\-----

 That night, the phone slipped from Eric's hand. "Eric? What's wrong?" Alan asked, looking over at him.

 "Dad ... he's gone inta' hospital. He ... he's dyin'."

\-----

 Eric had phoned up the manager that night and had gotten some time off of work. He didn't arrive back at his home town until 10am the following morning. Meeting his mother at the hospital, he was taken into a small hospital room and was greeted with a sight that he knew well, only this time it wasn't Ronald who was hooked up to a ventilator and various machines. "We ... are switching off ... the life support soon, honey. Say ... your goodbyes." His mother said, tears glinting in her eyes. "We haven't ... got a choice. He ... he's not getting well." Eric just nodded slowly.

\----

 Meanwhile, Alan was back in Edinburgh, looking after Ronald. He'd wanted to go with Eric but had been told to stay home for that very reason. Claude had swapped shifts at work for that day, having just taken Ronald to a appointment at the hospital.

 When he returned home, Alan noticed the happiness in Ronald's eyes. "They ... are going to let you eat again?"

 "Yeah, finally." Ronald replied.

 "That's ... amazing, Ronnie."

 "I must head off to work again now but I have left a bag of skittles in the kitchen. Ronald, be careful when eating those. I wish for you not to choke." Claude said. 

 "Yes sir!"

 Alan went to retrieve the bag, placing a small portion into a bowl for Ronald. He came back into the room and asked "do you ... think that ... you'll be able to ... pick them up on your own?"

 "Dunno'." Ronald tried to pick one up, only for it to drop to the floor. "Guess not ... yet."

 "It's okay." Alan picked one up for him and Ronald opened his mouth. It was popped in and he began to chew. Once swallowed, he grinned. "Man ... I can't believe this day ... has finally come." Happy tears welled up in his eyes.

\----

 Back at the hospital, tears of sorrow were dripping down Eric's face. He reached a hand out to squeeze his dad's softly. "Dad ... I ... I'm so sorry for ... not comin' ta' ... see ya' as ... much as I should 'ave. I ... never thought I'd lose ya'. Stupid, right? But ... kids don't realise ... tha' their parents won't be ... around forever. I ... never did." He broke down completely. "I'm ... so fuckin' ... sorry. I love ya' ... dad and thanks for helpin' Al years ago. I never ... got tha' chance ta' thank ya' ... for it. God ... I love ya' ... so much. Please ... don't go. I ... I still need ya'. I'm ... not grown up ... enough ta' live wi'out my old man. Please ... don't leave us." He bent forward, sobbing against his father's chest. "Don't ... leave me."

 His father was unable to hear his words.

\----

 The Slingby family were all together in the room, Eric's mom holding her daughters hand in one hand and her husbands in the other. Eric's sister was crying her eyes out. Crying for her daddy.

 Eric just sat in shock as the life support machine was switched off and the heart rate monitor slowed and flatlined. The man who'd always been the pillow of support in the family had been taken away far too soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't find out the reason for Alzheimer’s patients dying. Some sites said the brain can no longer make the body function. Others say that they usually die from pneumonia and the like.


	144. Jizzed.

 The following afternoon, Claude was sitting on the sofa in the living room with Ronald, pot of yoghurt in hand. He peeled the lid back and Ronald snatched it out of his hand, grabbing the spoon off of him also. "Ronald, give that back. You will probably get it everywhere."

 "Na. I'll be fine." Ronald stated, scooping a spoonful up. As Claude had predicted, his hand jerked and the spoon was flipped backwards, vanilla yoghurt splatting all over Claude's face.

 "See. I warned you."

 Ronald laughed loudly. "Y' look like someone jizzed ... on y' face!"

 Claude grabbed a tissue from the box on the kitchen table and wiped the liquid off. "Now that does give me an idea." The yoghurt and spoon was taken from Ronald and placed on the table, before Claude pushed him down on the sofa, crashing his lips against the blonde's. His hand slipped between them, rubbing Ronald's crotch through his jogging bottoms, mouth shifting to suck on Ronald's neck.

 The younger man let out a low groan. "Gunna' ... bang me ... on tha' sofa?"

 "Indeed." His hand slipped into Ronald's boxers, stroking him softly.

 "G ... good."

 It took a while for Ronald to become erect and Claude then sat up, pulling the blonde's bottoms and underwear away from him. He licked his fingers, lifting Ronald's leg up onto his shoulder and teasing his hole with a digit.

 "N ... not gettin' ... tha' lube?"

 Claude smirked at him. "No. I simply cannot wait."

 Ronald grinned. "I'm tha' sexy ... huh?"

 "Indeed you are." The finger was pushed in and curled, Ronald letting out a shaky breath.

\-----

 Soon Claude had both of Ronald's ankles on his shoulders, his own bottom clothes pulled down enough to release himself. He wasted no time in pounding into Ronald, the blonde grunting in pleasure.

 Alan walked into the room five minutes in and soon wished he hadn't, darting back out of there and up the stairs, feeling as if his eyes were bleeding. Not that the couple had even noticed him.

 Ronald began to pant and moan loudly, his spot being rammed against. "Hn ... babe ... ah!" His hand shifted from gripping the edge of the sofa up to his member, beginning to stroke it roughly.

 Claude grabbed his hips and pulled him closer, sinking in as deeply as he could. "F ... ah ... sh!" Ronald released into his hand, screaming through his orgasm. Claude thrust into him for a while longer, before pulling out and shifting off of the sofa, placing Ronald's legs back on the seat. He stood over him, pumping himself as his orgasm hit him, delighting in seeing his fluid shooting onto Ronald's chin and cheeks.

 "Was tha' ... pay back?" The blonde asked.

 "It was indeed."

 Ronald poked his tongue out to the side, licking the bit of cum off his cheek that he could reach. "So can I 'ave ... my bloody yoghurt now?"

 "Let me wash my hands first." Claude grabbed a tissue from the table and handed it to Ronald. He then zipped his trousers back up and headed to the kitchen.

\-----

 That night, Claude woke up to the sound of screaming. He quickly switched the lamp on and turned over. Ronald had his hand buried into the long hair at the side of his head, his eyes glassy with panic. Before Claude could react, Ronald's hand dropped back onto the bed and he began to seize. He was rolled onto his side, Claude rubbing his back softly as Ronald's body went into rythmic convulsions, gurgling noises coming from his mouth.

 As the seizure began to cease, Ronald threw up and whimpered. "Ronald, are you okay?"

 "I ... thought I was ... back at ... tha' hospital." Ronald replied after a long silence. "Thought ... they were trying ... ta' gag ... me wi' tha' tube again."

 "No. You are home and you are safe."

 Ronald wiped his mouth and turned over onto his back. "F ... fuzz."

 "What is it?"

 "I ... I think I ... pissed myself."

 "Well that seizure was quite severe. It does happen at times."

 "It's ... embarrassing."

 "You cannot help it. Let's just get you in the bath."

 "N ... no, y' don't ... understand."

 "Do not understand what?"

 "It ... doesn't ... matter."

 "Yes it does."

 "Na. It ... it's gross."

 "I do not care. You can confide in me regarding anything."

 "Okay." Ronald took a shaky breath. "I ... wet ... myself because ... I was so scared."

\-----

 Down in Kent, Eric's sister Melisa came downstairs. She now lived with her boyfriend but had decided to come home for a few days. She saw that the light in the kitchen was on and found Eric sitting at the table. "Can't sleep?" She asked.

 "Na."

 She plonked herself in his lap, arms wrapping around his neck. "I can't either. I ... miss him so much already."

 "Yeah." Eric stared blankly at the wall in front of him.

 "You should at least try to get some sleep."

 "No point."

 "Why?"

 "Because ... then ... I have ta' wake up and ... tomorow ain't ... gunna' be any better." 

 "It will -."

 "No it won't! If I go ... ta' bed, I won't wanna' ge' up ever again." Eric resting his chin on her shoulder. "Why ... did he ... have ta' go? Why ... did he 'ave ta' leave us?" He began to cry. "Why has everythin' ... gone ta' shit? I ... I can't take this crap ... anymore."


	145. The leaning tower of Pisa.

 Two days later, Claude came home to find packets of crisps and cookies strewn across the coffee table in the living room. Alan was sitting next to Ronald on the sofa. During those two days, Alan had only received one text from Eric, alerting him of his father's passing. "Ronald, did you eat all of that?" Claude asked.

 "Yep."

 "Alan."

 "Y ... yeah?"

 "Why did you bring him so much food?"

 "He ... was hungry. He ... asked me to."

 "So you let him eat that much in one sitting?! His body isn't used to such volume! He'll probably be sick now!"

 "I ... I'm sorry."

 "Babe." Ronald said. "Chill out. I ... I'm fine."

 "But you could have choked! I bet that you gobbled it all down at a lick."

 "Er ... yeah?"

 "Idiot." He turned back to Alan. "And you. What would you have done if he had started choking?"

 "I ... I'm sorry."

 Before Claude could carry on with his tirade, the front door was opened. Everyone turned around to see who it was, Sascha having already come home and Rudgar not being due back yet. Eric soon appeared in the doorway.

 "Y ... you're home ...." Alan stated.

 "Yeah ... wanted ta' come back. Should ... 'ave been back last night ... but stayed over in a hotel."

 Alan took in his appearance. The dark circles under his eyes, unusally pale skin and stubble covering his cheeks instead of the just the usual patch on his chin. _Oh ... Eric, you look terrible._ Racing over to him, he wrapped his arms around Eric and gave him a tight hug.

 "Al?"

 Alan pulled away to look at him and noticed that Eric was swaying slightly. "Are ... you okay?" Alan asked.

 "Y ... yeah. I ... I'm ... jus'," Claude noticed his movement also and moved closer to him, "jus' ... really ti-."He swayed further to the side and Claude caught him and steadied him back into a upright position. He was then helped over to the sofa and sat down next to Ronald.

 "Sorry ... for y' loss, mate." Ronald said.

 "T ... thanks."

\-----

 Eventually, Eric made his way up to the bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed. "I think ... you're coming down with ... something." Alan stated.

 "Na ... jus' tired. Didn't ge' ... any sleep. I'm -." He sneezed.

 "See. You're ... run down. It's ... probably from the stress."

 "I ... guess." Alan shifted over to the drawers and pulled out a large shirt and baggy jogging bottoms. "Wha' are ... ya' doin'?"

 "You need sleep, Eric, and I doubt ... that you'll be comfortable in ... tight jeans."

 "If ... I can sleep, yeah."

 "I'll just ... cuddle you until you do."

 "T ... thanks."

 Eric went to stand up but became wobbly on his feet and sat back down. Alan eyed him. "Have ... you been eating and ... drinking enough?"

 "Na. I ... ain't really done anythin' but ... stare into space."

 "O ... oh, okay." Alan dropped the clothes on the bed and helped Eric out of his clothes. Once his night clothes were on, Eric crawled into bed. "You ... really shouldn't have ... driven back in this state."

 "I ... had ta' keep stoppin' at service stations."

 Alan nodded sadly, before grabbing a dressing gown from the wardrobe. "Here, put this on."

 "Wha'? Why?"

 "Because you're poorly and ... need to wrap up warm."

 "Ah ... okay."

\-----

 Twenty minites later, Eric had fallen to sleep snuggled up with Alan, his presence helping to calm the larger man. Ronald was in his bedroom with Claude. "Ugh."

 "What is it?" Claude asked.

 Ronald didn't have a chance to reply, instead being sick all over the bed sheets. He began to choke on a chunk of undigested cookie and Claude bent him forward. That failing to help dislodge it, his had to resort to scooping it out manually.

 Once Ronald had stopped being sick, Claude sighed angrily. "I told you that you shouldn't have eaten all of that! You body can't yet cope with the volume, you -."

 "Shut up!" Ronald began to cry and cough.

 "What ... is the matter?"

 "I ... couldn't breathe. Jus' ... like in tha' hospital." What happened next surprised and shocked Claude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, Eric's really struggling.


	146. Arguments over ibuprofen (and Peg tubes.)

 Ronald looked at him, tears streaming down his face. "Kill me."

 It took a while for Ronald's words to sink in. "What?! Don't be stupid. I'd-."

 "Jus' do it! I ... I can't ... deal wi' this anymore!"

 "No. Just because you are frightened, do not let the fear cloud your judgement." Claude stated.

 "Why ain't ... y' ... listenin' ta' me!?"

 "Because you do not actually wish to die. I thought that you were still determined to walk again."

 "It ... it's never gunna' happen."

 "It will not if you keep thinking in such a negative manner. Pessimism with get you nowhere."

 "Yeah .... well I've ... made up my mind."

 "Then you're going to have to ask someone else because I'm not going to assist you in this."

 "Wha'?! Y' did last ... time!"

 Claude let out a sigh. "And you changed your mind at the last moment."

 "Well I ain't gunna' ... this time!" Ronald buried his face in his hands. "I don't ... wanna' be here anymore."

 "You do. You are just a little shaken up, that is all."

 "No I don't!"

 "Let us just get you in the bath. The bedsheets need changing also." Ronald grunted angrily, hand moving from his face to strike a punch at Claude. The elder caught his wrist. "There is no need to get violent with me."

 "Then ... fuzzin' listen ta' me then!"

 "I am listening to you. However, you are in no fit state of mind to be making those sorts of decisions."

 "Yes I am!"  
"You really aren't." He released Ronald's wrist. "Just look at yourself, you are shaking like a leaf." The blonde let out a harsh sob and was pulled into Claude's lap. He pressed his face into the elder's neck. "Look at how far you have come since you were first injured. You could barely move back then and you couldn't swallow or talk. You just need to take small steps now and you will get there."

 "Y ... yeah. I guess tha' ... y' right." He paused for a second. "I ... feel sick ... aga-." The rest of his sentence was cut off by more vomiting. Claude shuddered internally as it splashed against his neck. He never used to be able to handle even the thought of vomit.

 Ronald pulled away after finishing, his stomach still churning painfully. "S ... sorry."

 "Do not worry about it. It looks as if we both are in need of a bath now."

\----

 Later that day, Sascha had gone out to get some food shopping with Rudgar after he'd finished work and had brought something on the way back that Alan had requested through text.

 On hearing the door open downstairs, Alan eased himself away from Eric who was now awake. He'd only slept for a little over half an hour. He walked down to the living room and retrieved the item from Sascha, before walking back upstairs.

 "What's tha'?" Eric asked, seeing the small box Alan was holding.

 "Thermometer." He opened the box and pulled out its contents. He then moved to stand next to Eric's side of the bed. "Open ... your mouth."

 "Tha' ain't tha' one tha' was shoved up Ronnie's ass, is it?"

 "Nope. It's ... new." The plastic wrapping was removed. "Now ... open up."

 "I ain't even got a," he sneezed, "a temperature."

 "Well it's best to ... check."

 Eric sighed and opened his mouth, Alan placing it in the correct position. His mouth was then closed and they both waited for it to beep. Once it had, Alan retrieved the piece of equipment. "No ... it's okay actually."

 "Told ya'."

 "Well you might have ... one ... later."

\----

 The following morning, Claude came back into the bedroom with a tray containing two slices of cheese on toast and a glass of orange juice. "I don't ... want it." Ronald stated.

 "Why not? Are you still feeling unwell?"

 "No."

 "Are you not in the mood for toast?"

 "I ...," Ronald looked away, "don't ... wanna' choke."

 "You only choked yesterday because you were sick. That only occurred because you decided to gorge yourself like a pregnant gannet."

 "Eh?"

 "Eat like a fat pig."

 The blonde huffed. "Thanks ... a bunch."

 "All I'm saying is that you need to take it slowly. Eat a smaller volume at a time and you'll be fine."

 "Don't want it."

 "Then I shall just get you a milkshake instead."

 "No."

 "But-."  
Ronald gripped the covers. "Jus' ... feed me ... through my Peg."

 "What? But you hate that thing?"

 "It's better ... than chokin'. Y' still use ... tha' Peg sometimes anyway."

 "Ronald-."

 "Don't y' ge' how ... freaked out I am? I couldn't breathe!"

 Claude thought for a moment, before sighing in defeat. "Fine. But just for today."

\-----

 The toast was thrown in the bin, orange juice tipped down the sink. Claude slammed the the cupboard shut on retrieving a pouch of liquid meal. _How does he expect to make improvements when he isn't - no Claude, he's trumatised from the hospital. Just give him a bit of time. You know better than anyone how petrifying not being able to breathe is._

 A glass was filled with water and then Claude moved back into the bedroom. The water and pouch was placed on the bedside table and the tubing and syringe collected from the cupboard in the room.

 Ronald kept his eyes fixed on the bedsheets, as Claude connected him up and began feeding.

\----

 A while later, Eric woke up and began to cough, waking Alan up too. The brunette darted out of bed and grabbed the thermometer. Once his temperature was taken, Alan stated "it's high."

 "Good job ... tha' I'm off for another three days." Eric sighed.

 Alan went to retrieve some ibuprofen and moved back upstairs, glass of water in hand. Once back in the bedroom, he said "take these."

 "Can't." Eric said.

 "What? Why? They ... help with temperature ... though?"

 "Yeah but I ain't had anythin' ta' eat. They'll cause stomach ulcers if I take them like tha'."

 "Really? I ... always take them without ... food."

 "Wha'!? When!?"

 "When I get sick ... or something. I'm not a fan of ... paracetamol. Hate ... the taste."

 "Ya' fuckin' idiot!"

 Alan flinched, water sloshing onto his pj top. "W ... what?"

 "Ya' ain't supposed ta' take them in tha' first place if ya' asthmatic!"

 "I ... I'm sorry, I didn't know."

 "I've told ya' tha' before!"

 "I ... forgot."

 "Tryin' ta' set ya' asthma attacks off!? Fuckin' dick head."

 Alan felt tears pricking at his eyes. "Why ... why are you ... being so mean to me!?" He raced out of the room before Eric could see him cry.


	147. Sorry. (Damn Edam.)

 Alan came back upstairs over an hour later, paracetamol in hand this time, along with a fresh glass of water. "I ... brought you these instead."

 Eric looked up at him and noticed how puffy his eyes were. "Thanks." He took the tablets from Alan and knocked them back with some water. The covers next to him were then patted lightly. "Come and sit down." Alan eyed him. "I'm ... sorry 'bout earlier. I would 'ave come down ta' apologise but ... I don't think I can ... ge' outta' bed. Feel rotten."

 "It's because you've ... not eaten in days and have ... barely drank ... any water."

 The glass was placed on the bedside table and Eric held him arms out. "Hug?"

 "No."

 "Al, I'm sorry."

 "You ... were really mean to me. I ... didn't deserve to be ... swore at like that."

 "Babe, I know. I'm ... jus' real stressed right now."

 "You ... are."

 "Jus' come and ... sit down wi' me. Please. I'm so sorry."

 "O ... okay." _What good will being mad do? He's sick and sad and ... a mess. He ... doesn't mean any of what he says._ Alan got onto the bed and lunged at Eric, hugging him tightly. "I love you."

 "Yeah, I love ya' too."

 "Can I get ... you something to eat or drink?"

 "Na. Jus' stay here."

\----

 Later that day, there was a knock on the bedroom door. "Yeah ... come in." Eric said.

 The door was opened, Sascha holding a tray with a bowl of chicken soup placed on it. "I thought that soup would make you get well sooner."

 "Rudgar didn't make tha', did he?"

 "Oh no, if he had, it would have been awful. It is from a tin."

 "Cool. Thanks."

\----

 Over the next few days, Alan took care of Eric when he wasn't helping to look after Ronald, keeping a damp cloth pressed to his head and making sure to keep him topped up with painkillers. He'd also made sure that Eric was eating and drinking enough to build his strength back up. 

\----

 Claude grabbed a plate from the kitchen and then plonked a couple of oreos on it. It was taken into the bedroom. "Ronald, I want you to try to eat this."

 The blonde's head shot up to look at him. "N ... no. I can't! I ... won't do it!"

 "You are letting this fear control you! How do you ever expect to get better if you do not even try!? All this whining about hating your tube and you're doing nothing to move you in the direction of having it removed!"

 "Screw y'! Y' jus' don't ... understand!"

 "Yes I do but you are going backwards if anything and you cannot let that happen! You cannot give up yet!"

 "Well tough ship! I'm not eatin' ... it!"

 The plate was thrown across the room, Claude gritting his teeth. It shattered and he moved to grab Ronald by the shoulders, shaking him violently. "Do you want to have that plastic tube embedded in your stomach for the rest of your life!? I thought that you hated it!? Why are you giving up so easily, after all you have fought for!?"

 Ronald began to cry. "Jus' leave me tha' ... fuzz alone!"

\----

 A week later, Claude went to Sebastian's in the evening. "It has been a while." Sebastian stated, as he let Claude pass into the living room. They took their seats. "How have things been at home?"

 "Not good in the slightest." Claude admitted.

 "What has occurred?" Claude lit up a spliff and began to explain. Once he had, Sebastian said "you were right after all. The hospital experience has done him more harm than good."

 "Yes. I cannot get him to stop crying either. No matter what I say or do, he refuses to take anything orally."

 "That is a shame."

 "I am at my wits end."

 "You are not planning to leave him again, are you?"

 "No, though I have raised my voice to him on occasion."

 "That will not help his mental state and you know that."

 "I ... do but what am I supposed to do?"

 "I am afraid that I have no idea."

\----

 Claude returned home, heading to the bedroom. Alan quickly left the room and Claude lay down in bed, pulling Ronald close. _I really should try to coax him into eating something, though nothing I have done thus far has worked._

 "Babe." Ronald said.

 "Yes?"

 "Can ... y' ... grab me somethin' ta' eat?" Seeing the shocked expression Claude gave him, he continued. "Ya' ... right. I can't ... give up, no ... matter wha'."

 "You really are so brave."

 "I ain't. I'm crappin' my pants right now ... but I need ta' try and jus' hope for tha' best."

 "Okay. What would you like to eat?"

 "I dunno'."

 "Toast?"

 "Na. It ... might be a bit too ... heavy for me."

 "Then I have just the thing." Claude kissed the top of Ronald's forehead and then got out of bed.

 He went to the kitchen, pulling out a plate and a packet of crackers. Placing a few of the plate, he headed to the fridge and looked inside. _I shouldn't give him cheese too strong in case it upsets his stomach_. He eyed the mature Cheddar sascha enjoyed. _Definetly not._ Then the Stilton cheese Eric had left in the fridge for months. _Out of the question. That stuff looks lethal._ His eyes finally settled on an unopened pack of Edam. _Perfect_.

 The cheese was cut into paper thin slices and placed on the crackers. They were then taken back into the bedroom, along with a cup of chocolate milk. Ronald eyed the plate nervously. "I thought that these would be light enough on your stomach." Claude stated. 

 "Y ... yeah, thanks." Ronald took a sip of chocolate milk, before picking up a cracker. His heart began to beat quickly. "I ... don't think tha' ... I can do this."


	148. Biscuit. (Not a good role model.)

 The cracker was dropped back onto the plate, the milkshake placed on the nightstand. "I ... really can't." Ronald began to cry.

 Claude shifted onto the bed next to him, pulling him into a hug and soothing his hair. "You can."

 "N ... no."

 "Just a couple of bites and then we can leave it for today."

 Ronald stayed silent for a few seconds, before saying "All .... Alright." He shifted to sit back up and wiped his eyes, taking two deep breaths. Claude picked up the cracker, breaking a small corner off. Ronald eyed it fearfully, before opening his mouth. It was placed inside and he chewed carefully, before swallowing. The process was repeated, until half of the cracker and cheese was eaten. "N ... no more."

 "You don't think that you'll be able to handle the other half of this one?"

 "S ... sorry."

 "It is fine." The plate was moved onto the other nightstand. "Do you think that you will be able to finish your milkshake?"

 "Y ... yeah, probably."

\-----

 By the following evening, Ronald had eaten some yoghurt and a bit of cheese string. He'd also had three milkshakes. Sascha was in the living room with Ronald, while Claude smoked some weed in the kitchen. Eric came downstairs and sat across the table from him.

 Claude eyed him. "You look agitated, what is the matter?"

 "My mom jus' called. Dad's funeral is in two weeks." Eric replied sadly.

 Another spliff and the lighter was pushed across the table towards him. "This should help to calm you."

 "Ya' a terrible example, ya' know tha'?"

 "I do. I have never pretended to be a perfect role model. As old as I am, one would have thought that I'd know better by now."

 "Guess not." Eric picked up the items and lit up. "Thanks for tha'. I needed somethin' ta' be fair."

 Claude pondered on a thought. "Are you unable to get the time off of work?"

 "No, they'll let me have it off. It's jus' ... tha' I think I need Alan ta' come wi' me. I'm not goin' ta' ge' through it wi'out him."

 "Then take him with you. Isn't that the simple solution? Or does he wish not to go?"

 "He can't 'cause someone's gotta' be here wi' Ronnie. I'm gunna' ask Sash and Rudgar if they will be able ta' ge' any time off."

 Claude nodded, disposing of the tip of his spliff in the ashtray and standing up. He rummaged through a cupboard, pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two small glasses. They were both filled and placed on the table. Eric eyed it. "No thanks. I dunno' how ya' can drink and smoke wi'out bein' sick."

 "I have merely become used to such a blend. If you will not drink it, it simply means more for me." He knocked back the first glass.

 "Ya' drink too much, mate."

 "Maybe I do." The second glass was then drank quickly. "How many days do you require away?"

 "Four. Two for travellin', one for tha' funeral and I wanna' stay home for a day."

 "And what day is the funeral?"

 "Friday."

 "So you require Thursday until Sunday off?"

 "Yeah, why?"

 "Do not bother asking Rudgar or Sascha, I will stay home so that Alan can attend with you. It is only two day's absence."

 "But ya' been off way too much lately, wi' Ronnie bein' ill and tha'."

 "If I explain the circumstances to my manager, there will not be an issue."

 "Are ya' sure?"

 "I am and I am also sure that Ronald would be delighted."

 "Yeah, tha' he would."

 -----

 Two days later, Alan and Sascha were finishing off a commission when Eric shouted him from upstairs. He was quickly up to the room. "Is ... something wrong?" Alan asked.

 Eric nodded solemnly. "Jus' got another phone call. Biscuit's passed away too."

 "Oh ... Eric, I'm so ... sorry. H ... how?"

 "It ... was jus' old age. Who's ... gunna' ... go next?"

 "What?"

 Eric squeezed his eyes shut, begging the tears not to fall again. "Claude, Ronnie or ... you? Mom? Who am ... I gunna' lose next?"

 "No ... one, Eric. We aren't ... going anywhere."

 "But ... wha' if they ge' sick? What if ... ya' ge' sick? I ... couldn't lose ya'. N ... never."

 "I'm going to be ... okay too."

 "Ya' can't promise tha'! Ya' ... could ge' hit by a car or somethin'!"

 "Umm ... thanks."

 "Ya' know wha' I mean!"

 Alan nodded. "Yes I do. You ... can't let that worry ... take over though. It'll just ... take away from all the good things that ... will happen."

 "A ... are good things ... gunna' happen though?"

 "I ... really think that they will."

 Eric moved forward to pull Alan into a hug. "Thanks, I ... really dunno' wha' I'd do wi'out ya'."

 "I know. I feel ... exactly the same."

\-----

 It was now the day before Eric and Alan had to leave for Kent. Sharon had buried Biscuit in the garden.

 Claude had been given two days off of work, which Ronald was happy about. The more time spent with Claude, the better in his opinion. He'd been taking most of his food orally over the past three days, having worked back up from a few small bites and bottles of milkshake to packets of crisps and now small meals that Eric had made for him.

 Alan sat down next to Sascha in the living room that night. "Sash, while I'm away, would you be able to ... finish that commission off for me and ... get it sent?"

 "What? Oh no, what if it isn't any good though?" Sascha replied hurriedly.

 "It ... will be. You've always done a good job ... with them."

 "I am not so sure."

 "If ... you're really worried, just send me a ... picture when you're done."

 "Are you sure it is okay to touch the artwork when you are not around?"

 "Of course. It's not just ... my work anymore, remember?"

 Sascha grinned. "Yes I do! Thank you, Alan!"

 "No ... problem."

\----

 The funeral had been awful for Eric, his hand tightly gripping Alan's for support. On the nighttime, he'd spent hours in his room with Alan crying.

 The next day, Melisa was about to head back to her boyfriend's house when she entered the bedroom. Eric had been crying not so long before, his eyes still bloodshot. "Eric, I have something that I've been needing to tell you."

 Eric's head shot up. "Ya' not sick, are ya'?!"

 "N ...no. Me and Darryl are having a baby."

 "Wha'?! Really?"

 "Yep. I'm three months gone almost. I didn't want to tell you until after we'd put dad to rest."

 Eric couldn't help but smile. "I ... I'm gunna' be an uncle ...."


	149. Skittles and cookies and Agni.

 Two months passed and Ronald hadn't needed to use his Peg for a little over a month, instead being able to eat three large meals a day and some snacks. If all went well and he maintained his weight for the next month, the Peg would finally be removed. His speech had also improved and he was now able to move to and from his wheelchair unaided, having regained some strength in his upper body.

 Claude had popped over to Sebastian's, Sascha and Ronald in the living room. Eric grabbed some clean clothes and took them into Ronald's bedroom. Pulling the top drawer open to place Ronald's boxers in, he spotted a notepad. Curiosity got the best of him and he pulled the notepad out, opening it to the first page.

 He was still reading through the pages when Claude returned home and entered the room. "I wondered where you - what the heck do you think you are doing?"

 "Readin'?" Eric replied.

 "Those are private."

 "Well they shouldn't be."

 "Excuse me?"

 "These are really good."

 "Don't be obscene."

 "I ain't. I'm bein' serious. These poems, they're good enough ta' be published."

 "What do you wish to accomplish with flattery?"

 "Nothin'. Like I said, I'm bein' serious. Ge' them sent ta' a publisher. Wouldn't ya' like people ta' read them?"

 "I would." Claude eyed the floor. "I ... have also dreamt of being a poet."

 "Well then."

 "Sebastian has also tried to persuade me to seek publication. His father actually owns a publishing firm."

 "Then send them ta' him."

 "I do not -."

 "Do it or I will."

 Not knowing what to say, Claude turned to leave the room. The only words to be found; "thank you."

\-----

 The following day, a Saturday, Soma came into the kitchen where Agni was making breakfast. "Agni?"

 "Yes, my love?" Agni said.

 "You are as depressed as when you were in prison. After so long, why are you still very sad?"

 "It is nothing that should be of worry to you. I don't want to burden you any further."

 "You have never been a burden. Now tell me. I really hate when you don't tell me things."

 Agni put down the knife he was holding. "It ... is that boy."

 "Who?"

 "Ronald."

 "Oh. Well he is still alive, I am sure. If he had died, you'd be back in jail probably."

 "I know. It is just that ... my ill deeds still torment my soul."

 "It was almost five years ago and -."

 "I know!" He paused for a second. "I ... am very sorry. I should not have raised my voice to you. A lowly person like -."

"Stop saying those sorts of things! You are not beneath me, regardless of our different ranks back in our home country. Anyway, if it still upsets you so much, go apologise."

 "What?"

 Soma smiled. "You still remember where he lives?"

 "I do."

 "So hopefully he would have not moved house. We are going, now."

 "No ... I couldn't -."

 "It needs to be done. You must clear you conscience somehow."

 "But I haven't made your breakfast -."

 "Breakfast can wait. Come on!"

 "Yes ... my love."

\----

 Half an hour later, at the Faustus household, Claude and Ronald had just gotten out of bed. Alan was going to bake Ronald some cookies for breakfast, as he had been doing for the past month. Not the healthiest option but if it made Ronald happy, then it was well worth it. Plus, a plate of twenty cookies counted as a meal.

 Ronald wheeled himself into the living room once Claude had helped to get him changed. He then pushed himself up onto the sofa, grabbing a packet of skittles from the arm of it. Alan always left him them there each morning.

 His partner felt uneasiness wash over him but couldn't understand why. Not until the door was knocked.

 Clause walked into the hallway and opened the door, seeing two men standing there. He immediately recognised one of them and began to panic, having not yet had chance for a smoke. "W ... what are you doing here!? I ... I'm phoning the police!"

 The man dressed in a yellow suit spoke first. "Why? Agni just wants to apologise to Ronald."

 Claude felt his pulse begin to race and had to brace himself against the door frame. "Saying sorry isn't going to do anything! Just ... just go!" His legs gave out and he hit the ground.

 Ronald had heard the commotion and had gotten himself back into his wheel chair. He appeared in the hallway. "Claude, babe, what's goin' on?" He looked from Claude up to the doorway and rubbed his eyes. **_Am ... I losing my fucking mind?!_**

 Before anyone could utter a word, Agni had stepped forward and lifted Claude easily back onto his feet. Claude struggled to regain his breath, pushing Agni away. "Get away from me!" He steadied himself against the wall again, as Agni quickly moved away. "I am not fooling. Go now or I shall ... phone the police."

 "Let him first apologise to Ronald." Soma stated.

 "Wha'?" Ronald asked. Soma couldn't help but smile at him. Oh  _... Ronald, you are just as beautiful as when we first met._

 Agni spoke then. "I have come to say that I am extremely sorry for all the hurt I have caused you."

 "It don't make up for tha' brain damage! Sorry don't mean jack s ...ship.! Just because y' wanna' ge' rid of y' guilt."

 Agni shook his head. "I did not come to ask for your fogiveness. I just needed to apologise. I will never expect you to forgive me. What I did was too awful for that."

 "Yes, though I know that you are nice and won't hate him forever." Soma added.

 Ronald frowned at him. "Don't I know y'? Erm ... Soka? Na ... umm ... Soma?"

 Soma's eyes filled with tears. "Oh, you do remember me? Your memory wasn't lost forever?" He bent down, pulling Ronald into a big hug. "Oh ... that makes me so happy!"

 "Umm ... yeah, didn't we shag years ago?"

 "I made love to you long ago, yes. We were a couple."

 "Err ... tha' bit I don't remember so much." **_Okay ... I do but stop squeezing the life out of me already!_**

 When Soma released his grip and stood up, Agni pulled Ronald into a bone crunching hug instead, bawling his eyes out. "I am so sorry for everything! I really am, please believe me! You are in a wheelchair because of me! I ... I am just so sorry!"

 Claude pulled Agni away. "Get out of my house now!"

 Ronald huffed. "If y' so sorry, y' shouldn't have hurt me in tha' first place."

 "He didn't want to!" Soma exclaimed. "He did it to survive!"

 "Wha'?"

 "He was paid for it. He ... didn't want to hurt you but he had no choice. He isn't a bad man. Please believe me. He did people's dirty work so that he would have a roof over his head and food to eat."

 Ronald stared at both men. "Oh."

 "Yes. It doesn't make ... things right but ... I really didn't want to hurt you. I regret it every minute of every day." Agni said.

 Ronald nodded slowly. "O ... okay." There was a long silence, before Ronald spoke again. "I believe ... y'." He pulled a half empty, folded packet from his jogging bottom trousers. "Skittle?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone wondering why Ronald is being so nice? Well so is Claude. Explaination in next chap.


	150. Relaxed. (Tricking you for your own good.)

 Soma was currently in the kitchen, having almost frightened Alan to death with a back breaking hug. The brunette was now teaching him how to bake cookies.

 Agni was in the living room. Neither men had tasted skittles before and Soma had loved them, saying that he was definetly going to buy them from now on.

 Claude had just finished his third spliff as Ronald wheeled himself into the garden next to him. "Y' been out here for ages. Come back inside already."

 "No. How dare you allow that barbarian into my house." Claude replied angrily.

 "Babe, he's -."

 "How could you forgive him that easily? After all the pain that he has caused you?"

 "I haven't yet. He jus' doesn't seem like a bad guy deep down. I don't wanna' hold a grudge against him."

 "What? Why?"

 "'Cause he didn't do anythin', not really. All be did was keep me still."

 "Without him -."

 "I'd still be in a wheelchair or worse. Tha' crazy bitch would 'ave jus' slit my throat on tha' spot probably."

 "Yes but still -."

 "He didn't wanna' do it. Come on, did he look like he was enjoying it ta' y'?"

 "Do you really think that I was paying attention to his facial expressions?"

 "Guess not. Listen, there's somethin' tha' I forgot ta' tell y'."

 "And that would be?" Claude asked.

 "Upstairs tha' night, jus' as I was 'bout ta' pass out, he told tha' rest of them tha' they should leave. He'd spotted a ... picture of Eric in tha' room. Said tha' someone might be back soon. Tha' they'd probably call tha' police as soon as they noticed Baldroy downstairs. If he hadn't of said tha', they probably would 'ave finished tha' job completely. I wouldn't be here today. At least i think they left 'cause of tha', I passed out before they did. "

 "Oh."

 "Listen, we both know wha' he did was wrong but he didn't call me a slut or anythin'. He wasn't tha' one ta' rape me or beat me 'round tha' head."

 "I still worry that he will hurt you again."

 "Eh? Why would he? He was jus' doin' wha' he was paid for. I don't think tha' he'd do anythin' again. Plus, Soma wouldn't let him."

 "You do have a point. So he was your partner?" Claude asked.

 "Yeah, like ten years ago."

 "Did you love him?"

 "My memory's a bit ... patchy from then but yeah, I was in love wi' him."

 "Then you should be with him, not me."

 "Wha' are y' goin' on 'bout?"

 "I have never been any good for you. All I do is hurt your feelings and you always get injured because of me."

 Ronald reached out to grab Claude's hand, lifting it to kiss it tenderly. "Don't y' ge' it by now? Y' tha' only one for me."

 "But-."

 "Y' make me happy, babe, no matter wha' has happened in tha' past."

 "Are ... you being honest?"

 "Yep. Now come back inside, my cookies will be ready soon."

 "Very well then."

 ----

 A while later, the cookies were ready and Alan and Soma came into the living room. "I got cookie dough down my suit." Soma laughed.

 "Y' like it?" Ronald asked

 "It was very good, thank you." Soma sat on Agni's lap. "So what have you been doing the past few years?"

 Claude replied before Ronald had chance to. "He has been in and out of hospital, fighting for his life since the attack."

 He received an elbow in the ribs from Ronald. "I ain't been up ta' much really. Want a cookie?"

 He held the plate out for Soma, who took one. "Agni?"

 "No, thank you."

 Soma took a bite. "Hmm ... so good!"

\----

 A little over three hours later, Agni and Soma were up in their bedroom, sitting on golden coloured silk covers. "That went well, didn't it?" Soma said, smiling.

 "It did." Agni stated.

 "Then why haven't you smiled?"

 "Because even if he forgives me, I cannot forgive myself. I am a bad person."

 "You are not, enough of talking in such a way." Soma moved to sit on Agni's lap, hands sliding up his suit shirt. "I think that you have made a new friend. If you really were so bad, no one would want to be friends with you."

 "Ronald is my friend?"

 "It looks like he is."

 For the first time in a long while, Agni smiled.

\----

 The following Monday, Eric came home from work late. He'd cheered up quite a lot in the past few weeks, Alan and Ronald helping him through his grief. Alan was upstairs in their bedroom when he entered. "Is everything ... okay, Eric? You're ... late."

 "Yeah, we had a refit at tha' shop and I had ta' stay and help out."

 "Oh, okay."

 "Tha' was stressful." Eric joked.

 Alan smiled softly. "I ... know how to help you unwind."

 "How?"

 "Can ... you take your trousers off for me?"

 "Hmm ... we ain't done tha' for a while."

 "I ... don't mean sex."

 "Eh?"

 "Trousers ... off ... please."

 "Alright." Eric's belt was pulled from him and his trousers dropped to his ankles. He then kicked them off.

 "Boxers ... too."

 They too were dropped and removed. "I feel kinda' exposed, ya' know?" Eric said, before chuckling.

 Alan giggled. "Good. Can ... you lie down on the bed for me?"

 "Sure."

 "No!" Eric shot him a puzzled look. "You ... should ... be completely naked first."

 "Well, alright." Eric stripped off fully and lay down on the bed. Alan shifted to sit on his knees, bending down to kiss his chest. "This is so gunna' end in sex."

 "Maybe .... it will." Alan shifted lower, tongue gracing under Eric's belly button. The blonde's hips bucked up, the man beginning to become aroused.

\----

 Ten minutes later, Alan was bobbing his head up and down, Eric's climax nearing. "Ah ... Al." His hand shifted to place lightly on the back of Alan's head, fingers curling around pink locks. Alan's own hand moved to play with Eric's balls and Eric let out a loud grunt, coming quickly.

 To his surprise, Alan swallowed, before asking "more relaxed now?"

 "Totally." He looked at Alan's crotch. "Got a bit of a problem there ya'self."

 "I know. Can ... we make love now?"

 "Fuck yeah!"

\----

 Six weeks passed and the day had come for Ronald to have his Peg removed. His weight had maintained and he was now in the hospital, his surgery due shortly.

 During the consultation with the doctor, Claude and Ronald had wanted him to be sedated before going into the operating room. The procedure itself would only take a few minutes but Claude knew that Ronald would be terrified of it. The doctor had agreed.

 This procedure involved a small tube being passed down Ronald's throat and into his stomach. The Peg would be cut from the inside and pulled out through Ronald's mouth. The small hole left would then be dressed and would close up on its own in a few days.

 Ronald had an IV line in his arm, which had panicked him enough. He was shaking and crying. "I ... can't do this."

 "Yes you can. You will not even be aware of what is happening." Claude stated.

 "But they're ... gunna' shove a tube down my throat!"

 "You will be unable to feel it."

 "No! I ... don't wanna'!"

 "Ronald, you have already signed the consent forms and are in the hospital now. Just get it over with."

 The nurse came closer with an injection of sedative and Ronald sobbed, pulling his arm away from her. "Leave me alone! Piss off!"

 "Please, Mr Knox, you are in safe hands." The nurse said.

 "Ronald, look at me." The blonde did and Claude bent down to kiss him, gesturing with his hand for the nurse to act now. The sedative was injected quickly and when Ronald realised what had happened, he began to sob and scream.

 "No! I - don't make me ... do this!"

 "It will all be fine."

 The medication began to kick in and Ronald's movements slowed. "But ... wha' if ... they hurt -." His body relaxed completely and Claude felt tears prick at his eyes.

 "Everything ... will be alright. They will not hurt you." _It kills me to see you so frightened._


	151. So sad. (I've waited so long to just come hold you.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronald still has some hidden phobias and worries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Avenged sevenfold - gunslinger.

 Ronald was wheeled back into the hospital room a short while later, oxygen tube placed under his nose with two small segments giving ventilation via both of his nostrils. The procedure had gone smoothly.

 Within fifteen minutes, Ronald stirred from his sedation and the nurse checked him over. The ventilation was then removed. "How are you feeling?" Claude asked.

 "Prick."

 "What?"

 "Y' ... tricked me so tha' they could drug me up."

 "I did it for your own good. You were just getting more distressed as the seconds passed." Ronald huffed. "I assume that the procedure went well?"

 Ronald shrugged. "Dunno. Don't remember."

 "As I said you wouldn't."

 "Yeah."

 "Are you in any pain?"

 "Na. Jus' a bit sore."

 "That is good." He moved to hold Ronald's hand. "Am I forgiven?"

 "I guess. It's over now anyway. At least tha' fuzzin' tube is finally out."

 "Indeed is it."

 "Jus' wanna' ge' out of this place."

 "You will be in a few short hours."

\----

 A week passed, Ronald's stoma site having closed within the first 36 hours. The couple were now in their bedroom, Claude pile driving down into Ronald, the blonde moaning loudly. "Hn ... harder. Ah ... fuzz."

 "I ... cannot. I wish not to risk breaking your back."

 "So? My ... legs don't ... fuzzin' work anyway.."

 Claude quickly pulled out, lowering Ronald's legs back onto the bed. "Don't say such awful things."

 "Why not? It's true."

 "Because if I were to injure your spinal cord, you definetly would never walk again."

 "It's not gunna' happen anyway."

 "Ronald -."

 "Jus' fuzzin' forget it!" Ronald turned over. "Ruined tha' fuzzin' mood now."

\-----

 Two days later, Ronald rubbed his stomach. "My belly ... really hurts."

 "In what way?" Claude asked.

 "Bloated. I ... er ... think I'm constipated."

 "Such a problem is easily fixed."

 Ronald's eyes went wide. "N ... no, I ... don't want an ... enema. Babe, please ... don't make me ...." The rest of his words were lost, his body beginning to tremble.

 Claude lifted him onto his lap and cuddled him tightly. "I did not mean them. I will ask Eric which medication is suitable for you to take."

 "O ... oh okay, good."

 That issue was soon sorted when Eric checked in his pharmacy textbooks and came home with a bottle of Lactulose.

\---

 Over the next month, everyone in the house had noticed that Ronald's mood was slipping down again. They had figured out why. Ronald believed that he'd never be able to move his legs again and that thought depressed him greatly. In an attempt to cheer Ronald up, Claude took him to a fancy restaurant.

 Ronald ordered a steak and Claude some Salmon. As Claude grabbed his utensils, he looked back up to see Ronald pushing the chunks of steak around his plate. "Are you not enjoying that?"

 "It ... ain't tha'."

 "Then what is the matter?"

 "Last time I came out ta' eat, I got called a retard and stuff. I ... don't want ta' be here."

 "Don't let what those morons said to you ruin a perfectly good evening."

 "Feel like everyone is starin' at me."

 "No one is going to stare at you. I am sure that everyone here has seen someone in a wheelchair before."

 The fork was slammed onto the table. "Don't fuzzin' remind me tha' I'm stuck in this thing!" Ronald wheeled himself back and away from the table. "I'm goin' home."

 "Wait, Ronald-."

 "Now!"

 Claude sighed, standing up from his chair.

\-----

 Two days later, Alan had come up with a plan to cheer Ronald up. He grabbed the guitar from the room where Ronald and Claude used to sleep and made his way downstairs.

 Claude was currently away at the supermarket, Eric and Sascha in the living room with Ronald.

 Alan walked up to them. "Ronnie, can ... you play us a song?"

 Ronald frowned at him. "I dunno' if ... I'll still be able ta' even play tha' thing."

 "Can't hurt ta' try." Eric stated. "Come on, let's hear a song."

 "I'm sure that it is just like riding on a bike. Someone doesn't forget how to do this." Sascha said. "Playing guitar is so cool! Teach me?"

 "Umm ... yeah, sure."

 Alan handed him the guitar and he took it out of the casing. The brunette sat on Eric's lap, snuggling up to him. A few practice strums were heard, before Ronald settled on a song. His voice was rough in sound, though that is how his singing voice had always been. It made the song sound raw; full of blinding emotion.

_Yeah, you've been alone_  
_I've been gone for far too long_  
_But with all that we've been through_  
_After all this time I'm coming home to you_  
_Never let it show_  
_The pain I've grown to know_  
_'Cause with all these things we do_  
_It don't matter when I'm coming home to you_  
_I reach towards the sky I've said my goodbyes_  
_My heart's always with you now_  
_I won't question why so many have died_  
_My prayers have made it through yeah_  
_'Cause with all these things we do_  
_It don't matter when I'm coming home to you_  
_Letters keep me warm_  
_Helped me through the storm_  
_But with all that we've been through_  
_After all this time I'm coming home to you_  
_I reach towards the sky I've said my goodbyes_  
_My heart's always with you now_  
_I won't question why so many have died_  
_My prayers have made it through yeah_  
_'Cause with all these things we do_  
_It don't matter when I'm coming home to you_  
_I've always been true_  
_I've waited so long just to come hold you_  
_I'm making it through_  
_It's been far too long, we've proven our_  
_Love over time's so strong, in all that we do_  
_The stars in the night, they lend me their light_  
_To bring me closer to heaven with you_  
_(Bring me closer)_  
_But with all that we've been through_  
_After all this time I'm coming home to you_  
_I reach towards the sky I've said my goodbyes_  
_My heart's always with you now_  
_I won't question why so many have died_  
_My prayers have made it through yeah_  
_'Cause with all these things we do_  
_It don't matter when I'm coming home to you_  
_And with all that we've been through_  
_After all this time I'm coming home to you._

 There was a round of aplause as the song ended and Claude spoke up. He'd returned home half way through the song and those lyrics seemed fitting in many ways. "That was ... absolutely beautiful, Ronald."

 "Thanks, babe." _**No matter what, I'll always come back home to y'.**_

 "Teach me!" Sascha begged. "Please!"

 "Haha, sure."

 Eric grinned at him. "Tha' was bloody brilliant."

 "Thanks." Ronald replied.

 "What's it 'bout?"

 "War, I think."

 "It's so sad." Alan stated and Eric felt Alan's hand tighten on his shirt. "War ... is so sad."

\----

 The next morning, a letter was posted through the door. Claude opened it to find a wedding invitation from Sebastian and Adrian, stating the date for October 10th. _You could have just phoned._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Researched used : Peg removal recover and protocol. (Ventilation is used a lot)   
> Laxatives appropriate for depekote.


	152. Job. (Grave encounters.)

 Two weeks had passed since Ronald first picked up his guitar and his mood had improved. Even if he hadn't been able to move his legs yet, at least he could now sing and play guitar. Some small fragment of life from before the assault.

 In those few weeks, Grell had landed her first play in the West End and Melisa had finally revealed to Eric the gender of her unborn baby. She and Darryl were having a girl.

 On the Saturday, Eric had just started his shift in the stock room when he bumped into Doll.

 "Oh, hey." Eric smiled. "Didn't know ya' worked Saturdays?"

 "I've just come back from maternity leave. Decided to work weekends instead."She replied.

 "Woah, awesome! I didn't even know ya' was expecting."

 "Yeah. We had a little boy."

 "Aww. Ya' should pop down ta' tha' house when ya' ge' chance. We need ta' catch up."

 "I will. I still remember how to get there."

 "And bring tha' little one too."

 Doll smiled. "I will, don't you worry."

\-----

 Meanwhile, Soma and Agni were back at the Faustus household. A small box was handed over to Ronald and he opened it, finding different coloured cube shaped food inside. "What's this?"

 Soma smiled. "They are a dessert sweet in our native homeland; Barfi. Agni made them."

 "Awesome!" Ronald began to shove them into his mouth greedily.

 "Ronald, be careful. Those are sickly sweet." Agni stated.

 The blonde swallowed thickly. "Woah, this stuff's tha' bomb!"

\----

 A while later, Soma and Agni were in their living room. Soma ran his hand up Agni's thigh, making him stiffen. "What are ... you -."

 "When are we going to move on from just kissing?" Soma asked. "We have been together for a long time now."

 "Never."

 "Why not?"

 "Because ... I'm not worthy of even kissing you. I could ... never put my hands all over you."

 "But I want you to. Stop thinking that you are beneath me. That is not true. It never will be."

 "I -."

 "You are not a bad person. Ronald has forgiven you now, you need to stop looking behind you." He shifted to sit on Agni's lap, lips gracing over his neck. "I want us to become closer."

 "If ... that is what you want ... then okay."

 "You don't want me in that way though?"

 Agni shook his head. "I do and if you desire me in that way then it is fine. I ... do want to make you happy, it's just that ... I haven't done anything like that before."

 "You're a Virgin?" Soma asked, pulling back to look at him.

 "I just was too busy trying to keep a roof over my head to ever have time for that."

 "Then it is an honour to be your first, if you want it."

 "An honour?" Agni began to tear up. "T ... that is too kind."

\-----

 Over the next two hours, Agni had worked up the courage to run his hands up his partner's stomach, to trail kisses up a newly bare chest.

 They were both now in the bedroom, Soma pulling his fingers away from the other man. Massage oil was grabbed and coated Soma, before he spooned behind Agni and pressed inside of him. Agni let out a grunt.

 "Don't you like it?" Soma asked.

 "It feels very strange. Too ... strange."

 "Oh. Does it hurt?"

 "A lot." _I hope that ... Ronald wasn't in this much pain._

 "If you really don't like it, we can swap over. It is no problem."

 "You'd ... let me do that?"

 "Yes, of course." Soma pulled out slowly.

 "Thank ... you."

\----

 Agni had copied Soma's actions, stretching him slowly with his fingers. He then lay down behind him. "Like ... this?"

 "If you want to do it from that angle. It is up to you."

 "Oh. Can ... you lie on your back? I'd ... like to see you properly."

 "Yes, that would be very good."

 "Thank you, my love."

\-----

 The end of August came into view and Ronald was now not having to use a catheter. Eric came home and sat by Alan in the living room, wide grin on his face.

 Alan giggled at seeing his expression. "Good ... day?"

 "Very. Mrs Rooprai is retirin' next month and I'm takin' over."

 "Y ... you're going to be pharmacy ... manager?"

 "Yep."

 "Oh ... Eric! That's amazing!"

 "It really is. I got proper lucky."

 "N ... no, you earned it."

\---

 That weekend, Ronald and Claude took a trip down to the blonde's hometown. He wanted to visit his family.

 As they reached the cemetery, Ronald was wheeled down to his parent's graves. "How are y' guys doin'? I ... hope tha' y' alright." A few tears trickled from his eyes. "God, I ... miss y' so much."

\----

 Later, he stared down at his grandfather's grave, positioned next to the late man's wife's, who had died almost a decade ago. "I'm sorry, Gramps. I ... I'm sorry tha' I never got a chance ta' say goodbye. I'm ... so fuzzin' sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Six chapters until the end.


	153. Wedding. (Not until I can walk again.)

***A month later***

 Eric was passed as a pharmacist and began working a few days later. Once ready for his first day at work, he turned to Alan. "How do I look?"

 The brunette took in his appearance, black trousers and dark blue shirt. "That isn't how you ... wear a tie, Eric."

 "Well I don't want it chokin' me. Apart from tha'?"

 "As handsome as ... ever."

 "Thanks, Al." He moved forward to peck Alan quickly on the lips and then walked to the door.

 "Eric." Alan called after him.

 "Yeah?"

 "Good luck."

 "Thank you, Al."

\----

 Eric came home a little after 6pm and flopped down on the sofa next to Alan. "How did it go?" Alan asked.

 "Brilliant, yeah. I think it helps tha' I've worked there for a year anyway, 'cause I know all of my colleagues already.

 "That's ... awesome. Are all of the customers ... crushing after you already?"

 "Probably." He shifted to push Alan down on the sofa, lying on top of him gently. Bending down for a kiss, he said "but all I want is you."

\----

 It was now the middle of September and friday night came. Eric had stopped working at the book store of a weekend now, having handed his notice in a while ago. He received a phone call around 7pm, saying that his sister had just gone into hospital to deliver her baby. Moving into the kitchen, Alan and Sascha looked up at him. "Are you okay, Eric?" Sascha asked.

 "Yeah. My sis is in labour." He turned to Alan. "We're leavin'. Now."

 "But we won't get there until the morning and then you'll have to drive back the next day."

 "I know but I wanna' see tha' baby."

 "O ... okay."

\----

 The pair got to the hospital around 10am, having stopped for rest a few times at service stations along the way. Entering the hospital, they found Eric's mom, who led them into the room where Melisa was located. The birth had gone smoothly and she was expecting to be out of the hospital in a day or two.

 Walking into the room, Eric and Alan saw Melisa holding her baby girl. Darryl was still asleep on the chair next to the bed. The blonde walked up to her, kissing her atop of the head. "How ya' feelin', sis?"

 "Tired. That was hard work." She laughed lightly. "Would you like to hold her?"

 "Yeah! Umm ... what's her name?"

 "Crystal. Her eyes are so blue."

 "Yeah ... I can see tha'." He bent down to pick Crystal up carefully, supporting her in his arms. "Look Al, ain't she beautiful?"

 "She really is. I can't believe ... that you have a niece now. It's so ... lovely."

 "She's your niece too."

 "What?"

 Eric's smile widened. "We're gettin' married, so she's your niece as well. Ain't tha' right, Mel?"

 Melisa smiled. "Sure is."

 Alan was taken aback for a moment, his eyes soon filling with happy tears. "I ... I'm an uncle. That ... makes me so happy."

\------

 October 10th was now here and a wedding was being attended by all of Sebastian's and Adrian's friends. The couple had chosen not to get married in a church, as neither of them were religious.

 Vows and then rings where exchanged and Adrian giggled loudly. "Come on, Bassy, kiss the bride." Sebastian smiled, before bending forward and crashing their lips together.  
Ronald cheered and Alan whispered to Eric "That's ... so sweet."

 Photographs were soon taken outside of the building and Adrian threw a bouquet of flowers. It fell straight onto Ronald's lap. "Looks as if we will be wed soon." Claude stated.

 Ronald shook his head, his voice taking on a sad tone. "No ... not until I can walk again."

\----

 Three months passed and Ronald had been to many psychical therapy sessions during that time. Claude was in the kitchen pouring himself a glass of whiskey when he heard Ronald shout his name, tone thick with urgency.

 He raced back into the living room. "What is it? What is the matter?" Ronald began to cry. "Ronald?"

 "L ... look at this." He lifted his foot by a few inches. "I can't ... believe I - this ... is really happenin'."

 Claude was lost for words. For the first time in years, Ronald could move his legs. The moment they'd been waiting and hoping so long for had finally arrived.


	154. Police kink.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alan shows his kinky side -again. This chapter is just pure smut.

***Two days later.***

 "What ... happened to your wrists?" Alan asked, seeing the purple rings around both of Ronald's wrists.

 The expression on the blonde's face quelled any worry that Alan previously had. "Claude tied me up nice and good last night. Was fuzzin' awesome."

 "Oh ... that's ... umm cool." Alan paused for a moment. "Thanks."

 "Wha' for?"

 "Reminding me."

\----

 Eric came home and Alan was waiting for him in the hallway. The smaller man moved up to him, kissing him deeply. Large hands flew up to grab hold of Alan's bottom, giving it an affectionate squeeze.

 Eventually, the kiss parted and Alan's cheeks flushed as he spoke again. "Umm ... can we ... do kinky things tonight?"

 Eric smirked. "Hell yeah. Tonight sounds good but right now would be awesome."  
Words could not describe how quickly Alan was up the stairs, shouting "come up ... in ten" back down to Eric.

 "Alright!"

\-----

 The ten minutes passed and Eric headed up the stairs. Pushing the door open, he was instantly aroused. Alan had his usual black eyeliner on, only thicker, and he was dressed in a kinky police woman's outfit, tights and long sleeved shirt also in place to hide his scars. Eric's eyes trailed from Alan's police hat down to the handcuffs attached to the belt hooks of the outfit and across to a paddle that Alan was holding in one hand. "Fuckin' sexy."

 "Silence." Alan said, fully in character. "Filthy criminals ... like you do not ... get to talk to me in such a way. Now strip and get ... onto the bed."

\-----

 Eric now found himself naked and handcuffed to the headboard of the left side of the bed. "Ya' look so hot, babe."

 Alan brought the paddle down on his leg and Eric winched. Still, the whole situation was making his member throb in excitement. "That's officer Humphries .. to you." The paddle was slapped against Eric's leg three more times. Alan then pulled his tights down enough to release himself and moved over to the side of the bed, grabbed Eric by the hair and pulling his face closer to his crotch.

 "Expectin' me ta' do somethin'?" Eric teased. He received a blow to his stomach and grunted. "Ah ... fuck! Ya' turnin' me on so much!" Another slap. Finally, Eric opened his mouth for long enough to allow access and Alan slid his twitching cock inside.

 His calm, cold, stern demeaner soon slipped away, as much as he tried to stay in character, his cheeks flushing when Eric ran his tongue up the underside of him. Small moans slipped from him, Eric taking him deeper into his mouth.

 It wasn't long before he released into Eric's mouth, hips bucking forward. As he pulled away, Eric grinned at him. "Tha' didn't take much. Ya' must 'ave proper needed tha'."

 Alan's expression turned cold once more. "Be quiet." He grabbed the lube from the nightstand and moved between Eric's open legs. "Lift." Eric did as he was told, spreading his legs more and then lifting them, bending his knees slightly.

 Fingers were lubed and two pressed inside. "Ah ... shit."

 "Don't use such foul language." Alan began to scissor his fingers, Eric letting out little grunts. A few minutes later, three fingers were pulled out and Alan lubed himself up. He then pushed Eric's legs back, which took effort with how heavy said limbs were.

 Sliding in, he moved slowly to begin with, quickly picking up speed. "Hmm ...."

 "Feel good, officer?"

 "I told you to ... be quiet." He slammed into Eric hard, causing himself to moan loudly."Ah!"

 Eric groaned, his prostate being hit as Alan continued to move inside of him.

\------

 Alan's thrusts became sloppy as he neared climax. "I ...." his sentence ended there, orgasm overtaking him. His head fell forward, breath coming out in short pants. After a few moments to come back to reality, he pulled out.

 "Hey, I'm not done yet!"

 "You're ... such a demanding criminal."

\------

 Eric had somehow convinced Alan to untie him, the smaller man having writhed in pleasure against him as he'd given Alan's entrance some attention with his tongue.

 He was now thrusting gently into Alan under the sheets, the brunette's legs wrapped around him. Alan's tights had long been tossed across the room, his tough attitude now giving way to soft moans and sweet words.

 As Eric thrust into him deeply, Alan clenched around him, releasing between them. Eric crashed their lips together, being pushed over the edge also, moaning against Alan's mouth.

 Pulling away, he lay next to Alan and pulled him close. "My legs are proper sore. Ya' brought tha' paddle down wi' some force, Al."

 "Oh ... sorry."

 Eric pecked him on the head. "Na, I loved it."

 "O ... okay, good."

 "I love ya', Al."

 "I love you too. So much."

 "I don't ... think tha' I could live wi'out ya'."

 "Really?"

 "Yup."

 "T ... that's so sweet. I ... feel exactly the same. Thank you."

 "Thanks for wha'?"

 A few happy tears slipped from his eyes. "For making me ... feel wanted."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4 chapters left.


	155. Oh ... Ronald.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cripple is not intended to offend any readers. It's just the way Ronald is putting himself down.

***Six months later***

 Ronald had been to more psychical therapy sessions over those months, each one pushing him further and causing him more discomfort. He and Claude returned home from one such session, the blonde crying from the severe aches in his legs. Claude lifted him from the wheelchair and carried him into their bedroom, resting him on his lap.

 "Why ... do they keep ... fuzzin' hurtin' me like this?" Ronald sobbed, pressing his face into the side of Claude's neck.

 "They are not intent on causing you pain, they wish only to help you to walk again one day."

 "Well they are!"

 "I know. Let us take a bath, that will surely ease your discomfort."

 "Yeah ... okay."

\-----

 Two weeks later, Claude's book had finally been published, Sebastian's father being thrilled with his work. The front door slammed and Sascha came into the living room. "Is everything ... okay?" Alan asked.

 "No! I haven't got a job anymore!" Sascha shouted.

 "W ... what? Why?"

 "The business hasn't been doing well lately and I am the newest staff member. They decided to let me go."

 "Oh ... I'm so sorry."

 Sascha huffed. "So now I have no job."

 "At least we'll have more time to work on commissions together. You ... know that I'll split the money with you if you want."

 "No ... you keep it."

 "Okay ... well you'll find another ... job soon, don't worry."

 "I very much hope so."

\-----

 The following month, Eric found Sascha in the living room. "Hey, Sash."

 "Yes?"

 "A girl at our place is leavin' and I was wonderin' if you'd like ta' work there instead? It's only part time so it's not long days."

 "But is that allowed? We are family so-."

 "I'm tha' manager. Wha' I say goes. Plus, no one knows we live together anyway."

 "Oh ... okay but I am not qualified. I did not even finish high school."

 "Doesn't matter. I'll train ya' up."

 "Really? You would do that for me?"

 "Yup, of course I would."

 "Oh ... thank you. Thank you very much!"

 "Ya' welcome."

\----

 Two weeks later, Eric slid the loop of Sascha's tie up. He was going to work twenty five hours a week, some mornings and some afternoons.

 Sascha smiled. "Thank you, Eric. I didn't know how to tie a tie."

 "No probs. Lookin' forward to workin' wi' me?"

 "I am! It will be so much fun!"

 Eric chuckled. "Awesome."

\----

 That night, Eric and Alan were in bed. "So, how ... did Sascha do today?" Alan asked.

 "Good. He said tha' he enjoyed it. Everyone there thought tha' he was fuckin' adorable too."

 "They told you ... that?"

 "Yup."

 Alan smiled. "That's so sweet."

 "Yup. They didn't even think he looked old enough ta' be married."

 Alan giggled. "Aww."

\----

 Two months passed and Claude hadn't long come home from work. While Ronald was in the living room, he went to grab himself a cup of tea. That's when he heard a loud thump and cursing.

 Stepping back into the living room, he saw Ronald flat out on his stomach on the floor. "Ronald, what are you doing?"

 "I fell over."

 Claude rolled his eyes. "That is because you are not yet strong enough in your legs to stand up on your own. You know that you cannot walk without someone or something there to support you."

 "Fuzz y'!"

 "Excuse me? I am not the moron who tried to walk unaided."

 "Well don't y' think it's 'bout time I could fuzzin' walk!? Don't y' think tha' I've waited enough!?"

 Claude helped him back onto the sofa. "It will not be long now. Just stay positive."

 "And wha' if it never happens?!" Ronald shouted loudly. "Y' don't want ta' marry a fuzzin' cripple...."

 "Do not refer yourself with such offensive terms. I will just have to wheel you down the aisle, won't I?"

 A cup was thrown and hit Claude in the stomach, causing him to wince. "Tha' supposed ta' be fuzzin' funny?! Don't take tha' Piss outta' me!"

 "It was supposed to be a joke, yes. There was no need to become violent with me."

 Ronald looked away. "I ... know, sorry. I ... didn't mean ta', I jus' snapped."

 Claude nodded and sat at his side, reaching out a hand to hold Ronald's. "You will get through this. You have such a little way to go now."

 "But ... I don't think tha' I'll ever make it there." Ronald squeezed his eyes shut, begging the tears not to fall. "It's ... jus' never gunna' happen."

\----

 Two days later, Claude stripped off Ronald's jogging bottoms, about to take him for a bath. His eyes instantly fixed on the large bruises bright against the skin of Ronald's legs. "What ... happened?"

 "Nothin'."

 "No, what happened to you legs?" Ronald didn't reply. "Tell me, now."

 "Nothin!" Claude shot him a serious look. "I ... punched ... them."

 "Why an earth would you do that?"

 "Because ... they don't work!" Claude felt tears prick at his eyes. "I ... hate my body! It's fuzzin' shit!"

 The tears began to trickle. "Oh ... Ronald."


	156. What's next?

***Almost two years later. May 16th.***

 Eric returned home with Sascha from work. Ronald looked up at him from the sofa as he entered the living room. "How was y' last day of work?"

 Eric grunted. "Shit. Some guy punched Sash because his medication wasn't ready. I swear ta' god, tha' general public is a punch of maniacs."

 "Holy ship."

 "Yeah. I threw tha' guy out before Sash could knock him dead. Fuckin' glad tha' we're both off for three weeks." He checked his watch. "Ya" all packed? We gotta' travel ta' tha' airport in an hour."

 Ronald grinned, standing up and racing into his bedroom. He'd stayed in the downstairs room, his and Claude's old bedroom having been converted into an office so that Claude could work on his second publication when he came home from work.

 Ronald returned moments later, suitcase dragging behind him. "Yup, ready. I can't fuzzin' wait!"

\----

 After many years, tears and pain, Ronald had finally acomplished his goal. He'd now been walking for six months, running for a little over two. It didn't matter how many times Claude had told him to slow down, that his knees were still weak and held together with pins, that he must be careful as to not cause himself an injury, he'd still race about the house.

 Yes, the battle had been tough but oh so worth it. Being able to stand, to not have to rely on his wheelchair, to be able to reach the higher cupboards in the kitchen; such simple things meant the world to him.

 The only things left from his tramatic experience were the odd spasms and inability to swear properly, the latter being something that Eric would tease him for on a regular basis. Justice for being such a potty mouth years ago. He'd also been seizure free for fourteen months now. 

 Ronald's hair was still shaved on the one side but no longer in a leopard print style, the dots now bright pink and blue polkadots. Alan still had his signature eyeliner and bubble gum pink hair.  

\-----

 The following day, Ronald kicked a football along a beach in a quaint Greek fishing village. It whizzed past Eric's head. "Awful fuckin' aim." The larger man teased.

 "Screw y'!" Ronald laughed and was then lifted by the bear like man and carried over into the sea. "Bastard, put me down!"

 "Hell no. Ya' tried ta' take my head off." Ronald was dropped into the water and Eric dived on top of him. Alan, who had a long sleeved but lightweight t-shirt and long pair of shorts on, giggled at their antics.

 Claude was hiding in the shade with Sebastian. Even though it wasn't extremely hot in May, he still hated the sun. A vampire in a previous life, perhaps? Ronald certainly thought so.

 Grell and Alisha were sunning themselves, William also hiding under a sum umbrella. In fact, everyone who was close to Ronald, Claude, Eric or Alan had come on holiday with them, an event that had took much planning to synchronise. Even Darren and Betty had come away with them, as had Charles Grey, Ronald finally having made peace with him. Why was he there one might ask? Well, he wished to be there for Claude's send off. Yes, a double wedding would be held shortly.

 Eric's family would be travelling to Greece the following day, his sister and her partner and child having moved in with his mother a year ago. It had been far too lonely for Sharon in that big house without her husband.

 Titan was staying at Rachel's house until the Faustus family returned.

\-----

 That evening, everyone had gone out for dinner at a Greek restaurant, filling almost every table in the establishment. The table the two couples, Grey, Sebastian and Adrian were sitting at was soon filled with plates. A seperate, spare table had also been covered, most of said food for Ronald and Grey.

 Eric stared at the mountain of food that the pair had in front of them. "I think Grey has actually beaten ya' this time, mate."

 "Fuzz no!" Ronald grinned. "This is jus' tha' first course." He picked up a knife, only for his hand to spasm, causing the utensil to fly onto the floor. "Ship!"

 "Here, Ronnie." Alan passed him a spare knife. "The waiter brought a lot of them."

 "Yeah." Eric chimed in. "He had ta' with tha' amount of food tha' he's gunna' eat!"

 "Shut it." Ronald smirked, before gobbling up his lamb moussaka. "Fuzzin' delish'."

\-----

 A little before midnight, Alan was cuddled into Eric's side in the bed of their apartment room. "I love you ... so much, Eric. Thank you ... for all that you have done for me."

 Eric pecked him on the head. "No, thank ya' for always lovin' me. I can't wait for us ta' ge' married."

Alan smiled. "Me neither."

"Jus' two more days."


	157. Scars from the past.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last but one chapter.

***Two days later***

 It was on a small, deserted beach not far from the fishing village that the following words were heard. "Claude Faustus and Ronald Knox, You may seal your vows with a kiss."

 Ronald grinned widely, before pulling Claude forward into a sloppy, heated kiss. Adrian's wolf whistling blended in with the cheers of the couple's friends.

\-----

 A gentle breeze whipped around Alan, as Ronald hugged him and told him not to be scared. The poor brunette's legs were trembling, knees knocking together.

 He took his place opposite Eric on the beach, his partner smiling at him. "That suit really suits ya', Al. Ya' look beautiful."

 Alan blushed. "Thank ... you, Eric. You ... look great too."

\-----

 "I now have a question for each of you in turn. Eric Slingby, you have chosen Alan Humphries to be your life partner. Will you love and respect him? Will you be forever honest with him and will you stand by him through whatever may come?"

 Eric grinned. "I will."

 "Alan Humphries, you have chosen Eric Slingby to be your life partner. Will you love and respect him? Will you be forever honest with him and will you stand by him through whatever may come?"

 "I ... will."

\-----

 Rows and rings were now exchanged. "Eric Slingby and Alan Humphries, you may seal your vows with a kiss." Eric moved to hold Alan's hips, pulling him into a deep but tender kiss.

 "That ... is so sweet." Sascha stated. "We really must renew our vows."

 Rudgar smiled. "We will, don't you worry."

\-----

 Two bouquets were thrown, Betty catching the one and the other falling at Crystal's feet. The two year old picked them up. "Mommy, flowers!"

 Melisa lifted her daughter up and turned to Darryl. "Looks as if you've got to propose soon."

 Darryl nodded and grinned. "Totally."

\-----

 Three hours later, Claude and Ronald returned from the wedding after party. Claude had been given Lorazepam by his doctor for his panic attacks, as he couldn't smoke while abroad. Thankfully, he's only had to take one tablet since arriving in Greece. It had been quite a relaxing holiday.

 Ronald was pushed down onto the bed, his arms quickly tied with silky material. A blindfold soon covered his eyes and his trousers were pulled down. "Hey, don't ruin tha' suit!"

 Claude bent down to whisper in his ear. "You are not planning to remarry, are you?"

 "Umm ... no?"

 "Then it will not hurt to get the suit dirty."

 Ronald snickered at him. "As if you actually brought these wi' y'. Thought that tha' first bang after marriage was supposed ta' be gentle?"

 Claude's next words made Ronald instantly hard. "Gentle? Please, vanilla is just not my thing." Ronald boxers were also pulled away.

\-----

 Meanwhile, Eric was taking a bath in his apartment, Alan relaxing on the bed. They would be returning home in two days and would then be heading off for a two week honeymoon the following evening. To Alan's delight, they were heading off to Japan. He'd been learning the language for the past eighteen months.

 Ronald and Claude would be jetting to the Behamas for their honeymoon.

 The door to the bathroom was knocked. "Yeah, it's open." Eric stated.

 It was opened and Alan came into the room slowly, rubbing the top of his arm with his opposite hand. He eyed Eric nervously. "Umm ... can I come for a bath with you?"

 "W ... wha'?"

 "I think that's ... it's time I ... let you see all of me. I mean, we're ... married now. You don't mind, do ... you?"

 "I love tha' idea, Al, ge' in." Alan quickly stripped off and Eric eyed him, seeing that most of his scars were now just white lines.

 The brunette got into the water and snuggled back between Eric's open legs. Eric wrapped his arms around Alan's middle and kissed his shoulder tenderly. "Best weddin' pressie ever."

 "Really? I ... think that ... it doesn't matter if you or ... any of my family sees ... my scars now. It's just ... a part of me. Even if they never dissappear completely", he gestured to the large scar on the inside of one of his arms, "it doesn't make you ... love me any less, does it?"

 Eric released his hold. "Al, look at me." Alan did, apprehension clear on his face. "These scars are jus' tha' - scars. Ya' still gorgeous and so fuckin' beautiful ta' me. I will always love you."

 Alan began to cry. "Oh ... Eric, now that is the ... best gift in the world."


	158. Elan, chapter 256 - the finale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first part is just me messing about. Eric and Alan do not know they are part of my story. Just a bit of fun.

***Read chapter notes***

 Give us a fucking speech!

 Mr and Mr Slingby got onto the stage, Eric grabbing a microphone. "I would like ta' thank all tha' readers who 'ave read ta' tha' end of our story. It'll be nice ta' finally 'ave some peace but we're gunna' miss ya' guys. "

 "Umm ... Eric, it's ... not over yet." Alan stated.

 "Oh ... right." He flicked through his speech notes. "Damn. One more chapter. I don't like tha' sound of this."

 "Me ... neither. What if something ... bad happens?"

"I ... don't know. Xbertyx, ya' bastard! Don't fuck wi' us!"

 "Eric ... I'm scared."

 "Me ... me too." Eric gulped and took a shaky breath. "Let's cross our fingers and hope for tha' best. Oh and all tha' American readers, happy Thanksgivin'!" He pulled Alan close.

 "Well ... back ta' tha' story."

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡  
♡♡♡♡♡  
♡♡♡  
♡

\---------

****The following year***

 Eric, Alan and Ronald stood behind a crowd of hundreds of other marathon runners. They were about to start running the London marathon, Ronald raising money for a charity to help others with brain injuries. Eric was running for an alziemers charity and Alan one for mental health. They had been training for this for over 8 months now, with frequent gym visits and practice runs. It had taken Alan a while to master the art of long distance running, his stamina being at almost zero when they had started to practice.

 Ronald's hadn't been much better, his legs not as strong as they were before his assault.

 A loud sound alerted them that the event had begun and they took off at a steady pace, making sure to stick close together.

\----

 Almost an hour in, Eric heard a thud and turned around to see Ronald flat on the floor. "Ya' alright, mate?"

 Ronald got onto his knees, his chin having been scraped across the pavement. "Had a fuzzin' leg spasm. I'm alright though." Alan giggled. "It's not funny!"

 "It ... kind of is. Everyone said that I'd be the one to ... fall on my face." Another giggle.

 "Ya' sure tha' ya' alright?" Eric asked. "We ain't gotta' carry on if ya' not feelin' strong enough."

 "No! I ... wanna' do this." Ronald got back onto his feet.

 "Sure?"

 Ronald grinned. "Hell yeah!"

\----

 They crossed the finish line, not with the fastest time but they had done it. Alan was out of breath, as was Ronald. Eric, on the other hand, was feeling fantastic. He'd never gained back to 240lb but was now around 220lbs and was not as bulky, instead having a body which was sculpted by lean muscle tissue. He smiled at Ronald. "Well done, mate. I'm really proud of tha' both of ya'."

 Ronald nodded, not letting onto how much Eric's words meant to him. Three years ago, he'd have never believed that this would have even been a possibility. Words could not describe his happiness. "Thanks, bud."

 "How's about we go back ta' tha' hotel, ge' showered and grab a bite ta' eat?"

 A wide grin appeared on Ronald's face. "Sounds fuzzin' brilliant!"

\------

 That night, Eric lay in bed, Ronald and Alan both asleep and snuggled into each of his sides. They'd booked a family room with a large bed, as Ronald couldn't bear to sleep alone. He just wasn't used to it anymore. Eric couldn't help but smile sleepily. Everything in life was now heavenly. Better than he could ever have wished for.

\----

***A month later***

 Eric came home, finding Alan on the sofa. "Eric, Luna just ... text me." Alan stated.

 "Yeah?"

 "Her and Angelina just got ... engaged."

 "Woah, that's awesome."

 "Yep. If I know Luna, I'd say that she just ... threw the ring at Angelina and told her that she was now ... her fiancé."

 Eric chuckled. "Yep. That's obviously how it happened."

 Alan giggled and Eric grabbed his leg, pulling him into a lying position on the sofa. He then lay atop of him, kissing him deeply. Pulling away, he spoke in a husky tone. "I love-."

 Sascha came into the room at that moment. "Pile on!" He jumped onto Eric, winding the poor man beneath the blonde.

 "Fuck, Sash." Eric cursed. "Wha' ya' do tha' for? Tryin' ta' kill Al over here?"

 "Nope, sorry. I am just very excited."

 "Why?"

 "I have finally finished the final draft of my play." Sascha had been inspired by Claude releashing his second publication and had decided to write a play, hoping that one day it would been seen in theatres. He quickly retrieved it. "It was made because of ideas from an anime I have seen about grim reapers but also from the love that you two share."

 "Me ... and Eric?" Alan asked.

 "Yes, of course! You would do anything for each other, you love each other so much. I actually made the play into a musical."

 "Oh." Eric smiled. "Thanks, Sash. Really, I mean it. What's tha' musical called?"

 Sascha lifted the work up. "The Most Beautiful Death In The World."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't ... believe that it's finally over. I don't know whether to be sad or happy. Almost four months of work.
> 
> Still need to finish all of the spin off stories but ... just, Damn.


End file.
